Bella Poarch: My Secret Marriage & Divorce

0:00Daddy gang, I am so excited for today's guest. Bella Porch is here. You may know her from her hit songs like Build a bitch and dolls. You have 100 % seen her on TikTok because she has the most liked. video of all time in the history of TikTok with over 106 million followers across platforms. She may be one of the most viewed people ever, and she's literally only 26 years old. But of course, like we'd like to do here on Call Her Daddy, we're going to talk about there's so much more about this person that we don't actually know, that we haven't seen on social media and that she hasn't addressed until today.

0:45Bella is here to tell her exclusive story that she has never spoken about publicly before. Bella was married for four years and the world had no idea until her divorce was leaked to the media and since then she's been flooded with hate and criticism and rumors. Today, Bella is telling her full story for the first time. But before we get started, Daddy Gang, please be aware that this episode does have conversations around abuse, assault, and self-harm that may be difficult for some of you to listen to. So I love you and please take care of yourself first and foremost. I also ask you when people come on to this show and open up about their life experiences, traumatic or not, I ask that you guys just keep in mind that this is specifically today a very sensitive topic for someone to open up about and just online and in the comments just think before you write things because this is taking a lot for someone to come and sit down and talk about this and let's try to be positive and uplifting and supportive of this young woman um because her story is fucking incredible so without further ado let's get into it bella porch

2:32Baby, baby.

3:01Hi everyone. First song actually. Spicy video starring her and rapper Tyler. She has a husband. She had to disappear because people are ruthless.

3:13What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Bella, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thanks for having me. I want to talk to you about your life. because you have a very very interesting and inspiring story and so whether your fans are listening today maybe they don't know all these details if new people are watching you today they're going to learn a lot about you so you grew up in the philippines you were raised by your grandmother in i think you've said like the slums yes um and you were raised by her until you were about three and then you were adopted yeah who were your adoptive parents like where were they from?

3:57So my adoptive dad was from here, America. He was a retired army soldier and he went to the Philippines and got married there with his wife, who is my adoptive mom. Your parents eventually also adopted three other children. Can you kind of bring me to those first few years of getting adopted? Like what was it like in the house with this family? It was crazy because at first when we were first adopted and everything was it was everything was perfect like i was spoiled um i had a lot of toys um i was allowed to go to the playground with my brother and then up until i was age seven everything just like shifted um we we decided to move to a different part of the philippines and it was like in a very secluded area and it was like a farm And beginning of that, it was just it became very toxic and abusive.

4:59And I don't I don't know why, but it just happened. Can you kind of talk about like what life was like on this farm? Yeah. So we had a lot of animals, farm animals. I know we have 20 plus goats. We had cows, sheeps, chickens a lot. And so we'd have to take care of them. and every morning before I go to school at 3 a.m I would wake up with my brother and start sweeping goat shit, cow shit, all the shit literally like clean up and yeah I would always get bullied in school because I always smelled like shit because I wasn't allowed to shower before I go to school because I didn't have much time. So when you're doing these chores like what is your stepdad saying to you like is it very aggressive like you must do these things like were there repercussions if you didn't finish them or do a good job um I basically wouldn't be able to eat breakfast if I didn't do a good enough job yeah was the treatment similar for all of you and your siblings no it was I don't know why but it was always been me and my brother doing most of the work while my two older sisters were just doing like house like sweeping the floors washing the dishes interesting were they also from the philippines why do you think that was that they were treated differently i don't know um i have no idea maybe because they're older and me and my brother were the younger younger ones did your stepdad in moments like ever get physical with you yes all the time and for sometimes it would be no reason at all like it would be at midnight like he would come to my room and just pick me up throw me in the ground and like put me in the closet like it's so scary yeah when you say that to like out loud right now is it like it's it's yeah did your stepmom know about this abuse oh yeah she she didn't she didn't say anything like she she was she knew it was happening but she just let it happen she wouldn't like she wouldn't say anything about it um my other like i have cousins that knew too because they would come over and um they would sleep in my bedroom and i would sleep on the floor and um they would hear like the yelling and like me beating getting beat up and yeah everybody's just very silent i guess they were also afraid because you know it's this tall white man who they thought had a lot of money and you know I guess I don't know they thought he was powerful yeah anyway so they were all scared at that point in your life like what did you feel towards your stepdad oh a lot of a lot of hate um I was also very young so I didn't understand what was going on like why was I being treated that way and um there was so many times me and my brother was planning on like running away together but like we wouldn't have anywhere to go right yeah dude I'm so sorry even hearing you like it feels like you're just like trapped like you're like getting abused in a home that was supposed to be like why did you even adopt us if this is how you were going to treat a human being like let me go to another family that like wants to love and care for a child and then you're in this dynamic where these people are abusing you you have no way out did you confide in anyone that this was going on outside of your home no I was embarrassed I was embarrassed because um in the Philippines like if you have like a white dad you're considered like rich and um everybody just like bullied me so I went to a private school which is like a little bougie yeah yeah and people would always look at me weird because I always had like holes in my shoes like they're like oh why don't you just tell your dad to buy new buy you new ones like and I I would always be embarrassed to say like oh they they don't care about me when you think about your younger self like what kept you going like did you have something in mind that you're like I need to keep going because of this i honestly think because of what was happening to me when i was like a kid like i was going through all that like traumatizing shit that it made me want to like have a better life yeah so it kind of i i believed that i was gonna be in a better place in the future because me and my brother would always talk about it he's like oh we're gonna we're gonna move to the u.s we're gonna go to like a really nice school and yeah I don't know it's just like I guess dreaming and manifestation yeah even though I didn't know I was manifesting when I was a when I was a kid I actually was you were yeah you eventually moved to the United States with your family right were you still under the control of your step-parents or like did you have any more freedom when you got to America um what i noticed was when we moved here it was he was less kind of like abusive in terms of like like physical the first time um something happened like i i don't remember like i forgot to do something and he started yelling and the neighbors um came over and they were asking if like everything's okay and i guess when that happened he just like he was more careful interesting yeah and um but still he would like he was still very mentally abusive verbally yeah yeah that's so interesting like he had the ability obviously on the farm to like go lash out in whatever way he pleased obviously then when you move to america and you have like neighbors next door it was almost like thank god you kind of got into a different area because it allowed you not that it got better but at least the physical aspect maybe like died down more because it was like yeah someone's gonna be like what the fuck is that noise in that house like let's call the police yeah I'm curious like you said your father was in the army so you end up going to the navy yes you're in the navy for four years why did you want to go to the navy so I graduated when I was 16 like I graduated high school when I was 16 and um I wanted to get the fuck out of the house I was working in target I couldn't uh work over time because I was only 16 like I was underage so I was making like minimum and um I really wanted to move out of the house and the only way was to join the military I'm curious to know too because like your stepfather being so abusive and being like tied into like the military and the army like was there any like hesitation at all because it's like if this person was in that environment like is am I gonna experience that again or was that not even a thought you're just like let's just go and get out any way that I can um I guess the other reason too that I joined was my brother also joined yeah he went before me like a couple months before me he did it because yeah he also wanted to get out of the house um he wasn't making a lot of money so he decided oh maybe joining the military would be best for him because there's benefits and he can go to college for free and yeah so when he joined and I was like oh wait yeah maybe I can join too like because I I wanted to go to college and experience that but I also didn't have money and my parents were not gonna pay yeah no were your parents at all opposed to you going to the navy they were yeah talk to me about that um so i was 17 you have to have a waiver signed for you to join um so i had to basically force my mom to sign it why did they not want you to go i think they just wanted to keep me there just control yeah yeah wow that's so crazy having to deal with the feelings of like you clearly don't love and respect me by the way you treat me I'm trying to leave let me leave and they wouldn't let you leave so you get the waiver and you leave and you go and you enlist talk to me about your time in the navy yeah um also I actually want to talk about the time I shipped out for boot camp um so my usually your parents would like drop you off in the airport you know yeah but my parents didn't want to do that um so what happened so they asked the recruiter if he could my navy recruiter to drop me off instead because they didn't want to do that for me um it was at 7 a.m in the morning and um I didn't I kind of didn't want to say goodbye to them so I just like kind of left and I assumed that they were still asleep but as soon as I stepped out of the door my dad came to the in front of the door and he was like oh you're leaving i'm like yes i'm going and i said yeah bye that my that's my recruiter over there and he was like well if you fail boot camp this is not your return address like this is not your home you're not coming back here like if you fail you're gonna be homeless and don't i don't ever want to see your face again and i turned around actually and i was smiling really hard because that was the happiest like the best feeling ever because I knew I was gonna just start a new life and I'm like I'm done with them yeah I never have to deal with them again an amazing opportunity for you to finally start a new start but like also like were you scared honestly I wasn't scared I was really excited um when I found out that boot camp was like you go in in there and it's basically like a sleepover with strangers every night right yeah because I didn't know like we were all gonna share like one room like 30 girls in one room I was like so excited right my first night there a lot of the girls were crying because they miss they miss home and I was there like oh my gosh guys this is so exciting you're like I couldn't be happier yeah wow and like you had a bed and you also even talked about like you were saying like I wasn't allowed to have friends like Like this was that's so interesting.

15:34Like most people come in terrified. You were leaving a terrifying situation. This was like paradise to you, essentially. So talk to me about these years in the Navy. Like I think a lot of people listening and watching are probably like, I can't imagine like I've never experienced this. We hear about it. But like, what was your experience like? The training was not bad. Everybody thinks the boot camp is hard. I think it's pretty like not that bad. um I I got to do a lot of things like go to the mall for the first time in in the U.S. I was like whoa this is crazy um yeah I get to spend my money I actually got to like when I worked I actually got rewarded instead of and like on the weekends yeah like on the weekends I would have fun with friends yeah it was so crazy I was hanging out with friends and so you made like a good group of friends there how were you feeling like personally now at some point I'm saying like the first year being away from your family like did you feel like you were coming into a different version of yourself like how did you feel about yourself um it felt new to me because I was like wow I can socialize with people like it's so weird and um even my brother was like you're unrecognizable like when we first first hung out um we were both in the military it was so weird we were both in uniform and we saw each other and it was like wow you're like a completely different person like your face light up now like it's you seem happier and i'm like yeah right like i'm free um yeah and then i've never opened up about this but like something really fucked up happened to me in the military as well um sorry i'm getting emotional um so my first year in the military I got sexually assaulted it was um I was 18 and it was my first duty station um and I don't know I was very like I was very motivated like I was a motivated sailor like I wanted to do I wanted to pick up rank really fast so I was doing a lot of um like extra things um like studying really hard so I can get my um my wings it's like you study like aviation and um it's it's supposed to look good in uniform and like on paper but um I was studying really hard and I wanted to pick up rank so I can make more money and then yeah that happened and um at first I didn't want to speak up speak up about it but um the women that I was surrounded with they kind of like like they knew something was wrong yeah first of all I'm so sorry like there's no words to even like especially I feel like woman to it's like I'm so sorry was this a person in a position of power or was this someone that you were like interacting with every day that was also like kind of in a similar situation to you it was someone that i knew yes

18:57once this happened to you and these women came to you because they knew you so well did you tell them and like were you able to talk about it um well at first i showed up to work and they were like why do you have so many cuts on your face like why do you have bruises on your neck like what's going on and I was late for work that day too and um I just started crying I I didn't know if I wanted to say what really happened because I was I didn't want anything to change like I was working really hard and I I yeah I just didn't want anything to change and we all knew this person and um I I didn't want it to be like an awkward situation

19:49so not to get like too into detail but it's obviously alarming like that you had like physical cuts like this was like you were like fully fully of course attacked but to the point where you like were fighting for no I was um I was fighting really hard um yeah I mean I I was just like very grateful that I was surrounded with people that cared about me and um yeah they were like forcing me like actually forcing me to go get um the rape kit because like you know in a certain amount of time like you have to go get it done and um I was just like I I don't want to but they were like no you have to like you have to speak up because you know like this person can't keep doing that what if he does that to another girl you know and um yeah I I went to go get it and um it was a long process a lot of interrogation a lot of it was like I was it was like I was a suspect and they were interviewing me and they were like oh did this really happen when obviously they see like the physical right yeah like the physical wound on your body from being attacked by this man yeah and so like I you we went on court and um he got four years that's it

21:26first of all thank you for just like even talking about what you're comfortable with because I can't imagine like I'm sure I know every time you're probably talking about this it like brings back up the trauma it's really incredible also to hear you talk about Bella like how brave you were to and incredible that you had all those incredible women around you to be like Bella do this it's clearly so much harder said than done of like like you talked about I feel like so many women don't report it because it's like they're not going to believe me yeah and even if they do I have to first of all when people say like why didn't you just go get the rape kit you have to open your body back up to be re-violated by random humans to basically confirm that you yes was also violated by someone else like it's so backwards that people ask even why women don't come forward and the fact that you came forward I can imagine so many women are watching right now being like holy fuck like you're so fucking strong but you shouldn't have to be this strong what empowered you to come forward like I know you're saying these women were you know asking you but at the end of the day like this is you being that strong like how did you will yourself to get yourself to the hospital um honestly I just thought of what they said like what if this is not the first time he did it and it actually wasn't yeah it actually wasn't um he did it multiple times and I guess like when I came forward those other women came forward and he only got four fucking years yeah can I ask like how does it make that like you feel of like having someone in the world that like it's just four years is a short time like are you meant like how do you mentally even handle that I honestly live like with so much anxiety because i know he's out there yeah um yeah i've just i've just been scared um and i feel like it's so fucked up i i feel like there should be like um a system where when this happens that we know where this person is at like at all times because four years is like not a long time and I don't know I he could do anything literally and I've just been scared this past few years have you talked to anyone about this like have you gotten into therapy or do you do you discuss this at all like or are you like still kind of like physically and emotionally like holding on to this?

24:22Like, are you still not ready to fully talk about this in a way that you can begin healing? Um, it took me two years to seek help. Yeah. At first I was like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And, um, and then I, I guess I found out that I had PTSD. Um, I get, I would get triggered at work literally. And, um, my coworkers would be kind of like freaked out. Like, why, why are you shaking right now and it was scary it's scary sometimes you you forget where you are especially when you get like flashbacks and um whenever i see a person that looks like him i my body just shuts off um it actually happened multiple times and i feel like that's also why like i try to stay away from crowded places

25:19when you went back to the military like you're saying like having ptsd i wasn't even like thinking about that like you're you're all in uniform you're all looking at each other you're everyone's kind of looking the same like did you ever consider leaving um yes actually they gave me a choice it's either i get out of the military and um go back home or i can be transferred to a different duty station where I can just start fresh and the people in that duty station will not know about what happened to me um and I was like I don't have a home

26:02like I wanted I wanted to leave but also like I really don't have a home so where am I gonna go too right and at that time my brother was stationed in japan and i told them can i get orders to japan because my brother's there and he's literally the only person i have and they're like yeah we'll we'll send you to japan you can start fresh and that's how i was stationed in japan i got to see my brother all the time which is awesome well thank god i was gonna say like again whether it's blood or not like we need someone in life it could be literally one person like we need someone we all need at least one human being to be there for us and the fact that thank fucking god you were able to have your brother and I feel like also life is just so fucking weird where you're like thank god he was also adopted into the same family so that you had that person that's the one thing you can like hold on to and that person was he super supportive during that time I'm sure obviously you had to tell him like how hard was that telling your brother actually I didn't have to tell him myself um he got a phone call saying that I was in a hospital and um yeah yeah it was intense so I didn't have to tell him about that but he was very worried and um he was one of those people that pushed me to go see a therapist and I was like no I'm fine yeah clearly like the body's natural intuition is like survive and just get through this and then once you have survived that moment and gotten through some of it like your body doesn't forget the trauma that you went through and experiencing PTSD symptoms is so debilitating and severe to the point where like your work is being affected your life your mental health your physical how did you begin to heal like sitting here today obviously this is with you forever and like you are a survivor but like when do you actually think like did your ptsd symptoms get any better as you were in the military did it stop when you got out of the military um i mean i'm still struggling with it now but it's definitely a lot better now than it used to um i also met um a guy in the military and that that guy is my ex-husband um we were together for seven years um yeah when i met him we were both 19 and we were both very introverted and as soon as we saw each other we were like we kind of we kind of fell in love like it was like love at first sight it was funny and he didn't say a word I didn't say a word because I'm introverted and um it was just like yeah and then we started seeing each other at the gym and then that's when we started talking um yeah he definitely helped me through a lot of the dark times that's something that's so crazy is like piecing together like your public persona now on tiktok and we're gonna get into it because it's like all of your fans were in shock when they found out that you had been married and you were divorced and they were like bella we didn't know you were married we didn't know you were divorced no one knew about this marriage or divorce and it's inspiring to hear that like you met this person in one of the darkest times of your life he was there for you obviously you filed for divorce and we can get to the divorce at some point but like can you bring me back yet to that moment of meeting him like what do you remember about like your first date or like your first interaction of like actually after you got past the uncomfortable like oh my god we're both introverts like I'm I'm looking at you and I like you and you like me but like when did it kind of pick up and like what was the relationship like this is really funny okay because i've only had one ex-boyfriend before him okay and it was like not serious and i was his first girlfriend and i remember seeing him look up how to take a girl on a date no yeah no it's yeah it was yeah it was like a google search i I was like kind of like a crazy girlfriend too like I may have been looking for his phone shut I was looking at the history you're like that's not the point of conversation I was creeping whatever anyways yeah but it was just really cute and yeah it was very wholesome and cute yeah and we were both kind of like oh this is we did a lot of our first together yeah it's hard to regain any type of intimacy after something like that like how did you even begin to have a relationship with a man at what pace was he like respectful um he was definitely very respectful and the relationship it started very slow and I had to say hi first because he was really not gonna say hi um we would see each other all the time like um so we were on the same we were on the same squadron but like different um work different work like i worked in weapons while he dealt with like parachute okay parachute stuff stuff and so like we would always see each other every day at work but he never he never says hi so i had to say the first hi but you're like i'm over here just yeah i fucking each other let's go come on yeah and um yeah and then i found out Like he actually never talked to girls before.

31:58And I thought that was really cute that, you know, and he was really nice. Yeah. So we're sitting here, obviously, and we just you just casual like, oh, yeah, my ex-husband. I'm like, Bella, the Internet is like, give us the tea girl. When and how did he propose to you? Oh, my gosh. He actually proposed to me two years before we got married. wow okay so two years before you got married how long have you guys been dating he proposed to me months after we started dating he's like you're the only girl that i've ever talked to actually you're the only girl that i've ever even been able to say hi to we're doing this thing stop we were um so we would go on deployment like on the ocean for six months out of the year and so we would go to places like korea for like three days and then we we went to guam and that's when he proposed um it was beautiful um i know he looked it up though he he had to look up like tips on how to propose but yeah he proposed at the beach um yeah and at that time he didn't have enough money for a ring so he got me like this um necklace yeah what was the necklace it was it was it was like a simple diamond necklace yeah and he spent like fifteen hundred dollars on it and i was like how do you not have enough money for a ring like that's fifteen hundred like you could literally buy a lot like there's a lot of options he's like you're being free he's like i had to google it okay i'm just constantly stop wow okay two months in did you want to get engaged yeah you did yeah i actually like i thought we were actually gonna be together forever oh my god yeah he has like a tattoo like forever always together i know it's like but like you know like everything just happened so fast like i tiktok happened and like he didn't want to be in a spotlight and um like i respect that though like yeah you know it's it's hard when i want to pursue music like i want to be an artist i want to share music and i want to make content but when the person you love wants something different it's like it's hard but we're we're yeah we're divorced but we're in good terms um it was a mutual decision and i know like a lot of the people i don't know there was like a time where people thought i cheated on him and that's why we got a divorce but that's not actually the truth um nothing like that happened there's so many questions i have first of all did you guys ever have a real wedding like did you yes um we got eloped the main reason is because we didn't want to deal with um saying our vows in front of our families it's so full circle you're both like we are introverts we will not be speaking yes um stop yeah okay so you get married was it so it was just the two of you by yourself we got married in hawaii yeah you get married you get eloped you go get eloped you're like no one can hear our vows shut up we're gonna just yeah them in our mind together and i want to talk about how funny the the the wedding day was um we were both really broke and i spent everything on the wedding because well i spent because yeah that's me um i'm yeah i planned the wedding um i had a hundred dollars in my bank account and in the military like you kind of you always spend because you know you're gonna get a check every month so when we got eloped I had I had a hundred dollars in my bank account and um I remember that night that wedding the wedding night um I I had to deposit a hundred dollars on the on the hotel so we had zero dollars that night and we didn't get to eat dinner but we were married and we were so happy we were just so broke we were young dumb and broke literally happy but really happy so you get on tiktok and can you talk to me about that because i'm like it's like so crazy to hear your life and then be like when did tiktok come into your life and like what did you start posting because all of a sudden you are literally one of the most viewed people on tiktok like what happened tell me um beginning of 2020 i got out of the military and also the pandemic happened and um my friends always like was telling me oh check out this video on tiktok it's so cute like videos of animals and just like funny stuff and i was like oh maybe i should just download the app because whenever i click the link it would send me to safari and i'm like yeah i'll just download the app and see what the hype is and um yeah i got addicted as we all did yeah it was really fun i just like for hours scroll scroll scroll and um i was like wait this is kind of fun maybe i should start posting stuff but they're watching like funny stupid lip sync videos yeah yes and so i started doing that and then one video got a million views and then i was like okay i can get viral okay i'm gonna keep uploading videos and then i did m to the b and it has like a hundred and something million like views

38:02It's like such a simple video. And to get that many views, like, what do you think it was? I don't know. The comment sections were also very confused. They're like, why does this have a million likes? And then it got five million likes. And people are like, why the hell does this have five million likes? And it just kept like adding. And people in the comment sections were fighting and bullying me. they're like talentless people are getting famous from tiktok like what is going on like why do people like this video so much and so they they just kept bullying me and bullying me so i'm like okay fine i'll put out i'll upload a cover of um i think i did the first one i did was um friend by gracie abrams i love her um and then people are like oh wait no she could sing like right but you it's just fucked up that they had to bully me where were you mentally at when your whole life was changing i was excited um also like i was kind of in the lowest point in my life actually um when i got out of the military i was very down why i um i i tried taking my own life a few months before I got out of the military because like my PTSD was getting bad and um my ex-husband wasn't there he was stationed in Japan and I was stationed in Hawaii so we were he was far and the only thing he could do was call me so it was kind of hard you know not having your person like the person that you you trust and that helped you through that isn't there so it was hard um yeah did you tell anyone that this happened um this is the first time i'm actually speaking up about this um i just feel really comfortable with you i'm so sorry after that happened were you just like by yourself like did you go to anyone did you tell anyone um my friends actually found me um i overdosed um i don't know i just saw like a bottle of percocet on um i had a roommate she had like a bottle of percocet in her bathroom and i just took the whole thing it was probably like 40 pills um yeah and i was just really depressed i was talking to a therapist actually twice a week and um I was still struggling very hard I feel like it's like I appreciate you sharing that not because it's like another thing in your life that you're sharing it's more like the effects of abuse run so fucking deep and last so fucking long that hearing you talk about it it's unfortunate but it it does help bring on like more light to the fact that like I feel like I've sat with people that have been abused or gone through similar things and are like it's hard to not get over it like and people keep being like why aren't you better like you've gone through therapy like you should be fine you're talking to a therapist two times a week it's just like healing isn't linear like you can't wake up one day and feel better like you could be fine for a year and then one day you wake up and you see someone that reminds you and then it's all back um after that moment though did you have any like a clarity moment did you still feel super low um well something changed I was basically forced to go to the psych ward and I met a lot of people there that were struggling with the same thing and I guess I just needed people that understood me and I just needed to talk to people that went through the same thing and that made me feel a little like better and hopeful it's awful what you've been through like there's no like but like it's like I'm so fucking sorry like I feel like sometimes people are like but it's like no like that's so fucking rough what you've made of yourself now that we see on tiktok though i think it gives more perspective to like we really don't fucking know we have no fucking idea what people are going through and i am so happy for you with your success but success doesn't just rid all of the pain and the problems and everything you've been through like hearing you talk about your husband and now ex-husband like is the only reason you guys couldn't make it work because of your success and you wanting to move to LA and him kind of staying like was that it like you still loved each other but that was it yeah um he's a really private person um he had like Instagram but what he had like one picture and he has really bad social anxiety just like me and um one time i had 20 000 followers on instagram and i had about like a million on tiktok this was like 2020 um the beginning of yeah and i was getting hit on by so many like people yeah and so i was like wait let me let me upload pictures of me in my wedding dress and our when we got it eloped and just say like caption it like stop messaging me stop sliding into my dms i'm married right and i did i posted it yeah i got there was a lot of hateful comments it got a lot of hate it's mostly just men talking shit saying wow you married this dude like making fun of his appearance i don't yeah it's awful and he saw that at that moment i saw him i've just never seen him hurt before yeah um he he's the type of dude that doesn't cry like yeah yeah he doesn't show his emotions but at that moment he was he was yeah he was hurt yeah he was very hurt and um and it was like a decision that we should it's best to keep it private is to protect him and also to protect me but like i know how it feels when you know people bully you because i basically bullied my entire life yeah and still now on the internet but like you you get used to it yeah but for someone that never really been through it yeah he's like I don't want to have to handle this yeah which I it's so hard because it's like I I also get that side of it it's like it is a crazy world that we're in of like leaving the comment section on and letting people just like have at it and it's like I understand someone that's like I want my privacy and I don't want to have to be basically like a joke on the internet or making people making fun of me like I want to be happy in my life when you decided to get the divorce can you take me to that moment like what were the conversations like and how did you decide to officially end it um well he he first started talking to me about it um he kind of brought it up and um it was very it was hard to talk about it but also like i respect that he was able to like start the conversation of like yeah yeah he was just basically like i don't think i can do this um i don't think i can keep living like this like yeah but like we're in good terms right now like i'm crying because i'm like you know he's he's he always has like a special part in my heart like he's like he helped me through so much and um yeah we still keep in touch um he's doing his own thing and i'm doing my own thing um yeah it just sucks too because it's like i really respect both of you though because I feel like there is sometimes as I feel like this is like from a fucking movie and I don't know where I'm quoting this from but like sometimes like love literally isn't enough like you can love someone so much but circumstances where you're at in your life versus where someone else is like it doesn't mean you don't love someone but sometimes you actually just like have to let something go and sometimes letting something go is actually much stronger than trying to hold on to something that clearly isn't right for maybe both or even just one of you and like the fact that you were like it hurt like hell but like I know it was time do you think that you would ever like is there anything in your head that you're like one day we will make it back together or do you think that door is like closed I guess it depends um I think so but like I want to be an artist i want to sing um i want to be like i want to be in the spotlight like i want to perform and um i don't think he ever wants to be part of that like yeah no yeah so i mean he's we're still pretty close like he's still my best friend but sometimes it just it just sucks because you know like you want to do something for yourself and like a career but then you love someone and they they can't handle it so it's just like you kind of just have to pick right dude it's so hard I feel like that's like do you compromise going after the career that you want and maybe you're going to be lonely and maybe you're going to have to sacrifice and maybe you are going to have to give up someone that at the time was the love of your life but like you also have wants and dreams yeah and it's a really difficult balance of knowing when to like fight for something and when to know like it's time to move on i'm sure so many people listening are like they have that job they wanted to take but they stayed with the partner because they didn't want to move with them or they left it's just like it's life it's just fucking awful because it's like timing is such a motherfucker

48:52you're single i am how is your single life going bella it's so hard because i don't i don't understand i don't okay so i feel like i've never really talked about this but like why is talking to people so hard first of all i don't know when someone likes me they could literally be like bella i i like you and i'm like what does that mean like you want to date me or you just like talking to me like i don't understand how dating works and then i was yeah every time i talk to my friends about it i'm like how how does like dating life work and they're like oh there's like there's like different tiers or something like you're talking just hanging out and then there's dating i'm like what what are all those terms like i've i've only had two really like you know two exes in my entire life because i was i was never allowed to have a boyfriend when i was a kid and it's just hard i don't understand it's so fucking confusing the good thing i think that i have learned it's like I don't think anyone knows what they're doing I think so much of it is awkward and it's like until you find that one person that you're like oh like I kind of like you but now I get it in today's world it's like oh I like you but then like I have to act like I don't like you and then like I'm not allowed to text you double texting is like a taboo like I'm gonna look needy you're like it's a fucking headache so I empathize with you and I'm sorry that it's so confusing have you gone on any dates like what's the vibe yeah um okay i actually went on a date a few days ago how'd it go it was weird because i he likes me but we split the bill

50:43wait no i okay okay um it was like the first time i had to split a bill with someone but it wasn't like it was when the waiter came he you know he gave us the the thing and he was like do you want to split it it wasn't like oh do you want me to pay for it or do you want to split it he was like do you want to split it and i was like oh okay um yeah i'm not gonna say no like right did you text him after did he text you after yeah how'd it go uh yeah i mean it was it was cute he was just like oh i'm sorry i didn't bring flowers you're like you're sorry you mean you didn't pay yeah yeah i also didn't want to make a big deal out of that because i i don't know i've only been to a couple of dates and like yeah actually two okay dates yeah are you good at flirting like how are you feeling about like i i don't think i'm good at flirting at all but like people say i'm flirting with them but i'm so confused okay the last time a guy told me like he's like are you flirting with me I'm like I'm literally just looking at you I'm not I'm not even saying anything I I feel like I'm just very awkward and if I think like I only click with people that's also awkward yeah yeah you're like we can vibe in our awkwardness together yeah if not like get away um can you give me some tips though yeah yeah yeah no I think that what you have to do is like I don't think you should do anything but be yourself like I feel like the times that I fucked myself over especially when I was like in college was like trying to be someone I wasn't and then by the fifth date I was like I'm fucking exhausted like I've been faking this whole time like oh I'm this cool girl that's like down for this I'm like I just want to like you know get some sushi and go home like I'm not up for like the club like just making sure that like you just go based off of what you actually are I feel like sometimes we go on to dates and we're like we have to look a certain way or we have wear your fucking hoodie if you wear you want to wear your hoodie dress up if you want to dress up like and actually just don't listen to people with like the rules of dating like I kind of feel like it's chiller and cooler if you just actually confuse the fuck out of people because like you do double text if you want to double text like do whatever the fuck you want and I wish I had told myself this when I was younger because I would just sit up thinking about like literally planning I was like planning like how I'm gonna respond and waiting and like writing things down when I was I'm like what am I doing this is supposed to be fun and it should be effortless I would just say it's so corny but like show them who you are immediately so that you don't have to like backtrack and be like why did I say I liked that and now we're going to like a scary movie and I fucking hate scary movies but I was trying to be cool like don't try to be cool just be your fucking self and dating is exhausting yeah so I would also say like be picky like I'm very picky yeah like I think like you are busy and you got a lot of shit on your plate like don't fucking just like settle for like i don't know like i guess i'll go on a second date only go on a second date if you really fucking like him and if he pays you have the song build a bitch but i'm like bella if we are building a boyfriend tell me what you're looking for in a boyfriend okay um well i'm looking for someone who's funny i feel like that's important but also i i don't know i've always been attracted to guys that are like five nine and below okay is that weird no i love the the short kings are cheering at this episode right now i guess like my my cutoff would be 510 but like i don't know like i always find like shorter guys to be more attractive clip that put it on tiktok let it roll that's gonna go viral every short guy is gonna be like i have a chance with bella i love that no I think that's great because you're what yeah 4 11 I'm 4 11 I don't need someone who's like six foot five like that's crazy yeah I love that so short and is funny men out there yeah let's ramp it up wow okay so short funny what else um someone who has good hair I love grabbing hair so i love the specificity really good hair so i can latch on yeah okay have you ever dated someone with like long hair yeah oh my my ex had yeah long hair yeah would you put it in like a bony tail yeah yeah yeah would you like braid it yeah actually i'm like just coming up with random shit you're like yeah put it on pigtails yeah so you need like a good head of hair i love that but it doesn't have to be long i i just want to grab it you've got beautiful hair so you're like yeah you guys need to compete yeah love it i'm curious obviously like your first album really touches i feel like on like the darkest moments in your life and kind of what we've been talking about how is your new music reflective of where you're at in your life honestly like i'm the the music the music that i put out recently um crush and the album that i'm putting out reflects what's happening with me right now in my life i i'm definitely in a better headspace um when i was writing like build a bitch and the dolls ep i was in a much like darker place and um now i'm finally like getting better and yeah um i'm just very excited because like my my fans actually loved crush and i can't wait to put out the album because it's gonna be different do you have any advice for your fans maybe that are watching that are like currently in the fucking trenches and like in the darkest period of their life like do you have any advice from your experience of how to get through those moments um i think time is the the one thing that helped me the most because like you know I was I was seeing a therapist like twice a week sometimes three times when I really needed someone to talk to but I feel like if you just take the moment and give yourself some time to heal it you'll you'll definitely feel better and just like be hopeful and um just surround yourself with good people yeah what do you want for yourself in this next phase of life um I just want to have fun I don't know I feel like I've just been so I don't know I I want to have fun because even my friends lately they've been so surprised that I've been hanging out yeah I've always been like a homebody and now I'm just like oh let's go grab breakfast or um yeah like like do fun things outside and um yeah I guess I in my next phase I just want to have fun and learn new things because there's a lot of things that I still don't know totally yeah right you're just like putting yourself out there if someone is becoming a new fan of yours today what do you want them to take away from this and like know about you um i love that question also that's really hard um i just want to say that hi i'm bella um i love making music you should go check it out if you want but i'm not gonna force you um but um i don't know i think you've done a really good job of explaining your life story today and i feel like even just sitting here with you i can say that like you have a very incredible presence about you like just sitting in this room you're very calm and knowing everything you've been through now like you would like I said you wouldn't know that like you are humble and you seem very motivated and I think it's just like inspiring to see like where you came from and what you've made of yourself like shame on anyone that has ever done you wrong or abused their power over you and I think every woman listening can take something from this of like it's a motherfucker for us out here like it is and I'm speaking from a perspective of being absolutely understanding I'm so privileged and like knowing there it's just like it's very difficult we're still living in a society where women are not equal we are still fighting for our life at this point and I just thank you because every time someone speaks like you do it allows other women to be like I'm gonna speak up next time or even just know like I'm gonna be the friend that helps my friends speak up next time like it I know it sounds like oh we're all just talking about our own shit like it's not like we're all connected in some capacity and it's I just appreciate you coming on because it's not fucking easy and I know like even when I upload this shit I'm like people I think forget like you're a human it's a lot and it's hard when you press upload on something that's personal so I appreciate you sharing this with us because it's going to help a lot of women and I cannot wait to see what you do with your career because you're already so fucking successful and I I'm just so excited for you so thank you so much for coming on call for that well thank you so much for letting me speak um and letting there you you know you invited so many people here and I've I've watched almost all of them and um I'm just very thankful that there's someone like you who's able to like speak to people and share like different like, you know, perspectives.

1:00:35And I appreciate that. And you made me so comfortable that I was just giving you all the tea. You're so easy to talk to. And thank you for that. Thank you, Bella. Thank you.

1:00:55Thank you.