Bella Thorne: Disney, Dating, & Reclaiming Her Story

52:33And I think between everything with a lot of the work and growing up and the way that I did, I struggled very badly with suicidal thoughts and depression and I

52:51I thought at one point like if I had hurt myself that maybe she would see how much pain I was in and I knew when I was there at those thoughts that I had to like leave um yeah I was like I I don't want to keep thinking about that. So that was to answer your question, long-winded way of answering your question, I guess the crux of, yeah, leaving. You had to protect yourself. You were realizing like, if I keep going at this speed, I may not be here anymore. And that's not what anyone wants. So I have to leave as much as it's going to hurt her and it's going to hurt me. It's going to hurt less than staying.

53:36when you did leave though you left basically your siblings also like did you have any understanding of like how to access your bank account and like all that information like i can't even imagine no i didn't have any of that information and the person who i was dating at the time greg um sulkin who i love very dearly and we went through so much together and in this time and he showed me how to be an adult which is a lot to ask of you know your like relationship someone that you're dating but you're like oh my god this person is really like not an adult yet um and it's never he was always like that's weird you don't have access to this we're like you know you need to know these things like it took me to get my ID.

54:30It took me to. And why didn't you have an ID? I didn't drive. I don't drive. So I never got my driver's license. And so then I like had a state ID at some point. Yeah. But it was just like basic to some people, like more basic life skills that you were like. Didn't have. Yeah. And then once you finally pulled away from kind of being in that house with your mom you're like whoa although i felt like a kid for so long i am 18 like yeah maybe i should know what my bank information is and maybe i should know all these things and what's so hard is sometimes it does take that extreme of a break away from a parent when it is that codependent situation and then other people being like wait wait like greg Like being like, wait, babe, like.

55:23That's weird. No, no, that's weird. And someone who just is like loves you for you and is just like, I have no skin in the game to then help. I also think like there must have been such a turning point when you leave Shake It Up and you're kind of like basically done with your Disney era. We're dealing with obviously like you going through mentally this like rupture with your family essentially. but then also you're leaving an environment that had such expectations on you as a human being and I think a lot of people have talked about this like the Disney kid and what you were supposed to be and emulate and present to the world meanwhile it's kind of still a time that you're trying to be like figuring yourself out as an adult like how did you manage trying to soar in your own right and find your own image outside of that really like specific constraints that they put under and on you?

56:18Well, I think people can see how I've managed it publicly. They can see it. They've got photos of it. They got all the photos. Oh, wow. I don't know that I ever handled it or balanced it out correctly. I don't think that I ever had that mental clarity. I've worked a lot on the more recent side. I got to a point where I just needed to kind of change things in my life and get better. I was working so much and yet was leaving very little time for the things that I really, really cared about. And so I started to focus on that this year. and last year and then after I made this movie Color Your Heart I put put all the heart and soul and then didn't didn't have much left afterwards and had to you know really wanted to get into the mental health aspect and the brain aspect and just get better on on things and give myself some space to breathe and grace.

57:34So I don't think I ever did that when I was younger. But I do remember when I turned 18 and in that 18 to 19 year, I was like, I'm free. I'm literally free. I'm walking into this house and no one's asking me when I'm going to be there, when this time, or when I'm going to leave. It was such a weird... Yeah, and you don't know what's weird until someone else tells you it's right and then you're like oh my situation is not normal okay i still like my mom held my hand walking across the street and for good reason because streets are scary and sidewalks are scary inside situations i don't like them roads don't like them driving don't like it however don't like it true but right but yeah like i didn't walk across the street without holding her hand until i was like 16 17 for sure and i'm still i run across the street when i cross the street i run but i think that's what's so interesting bella because you're like i sprint i literally sprint if you see me out in public yes i'm still not walking no one's chasing me we're fine i think though that's kind of like the weird dichotomy we were talking about earlier of like you're a child around adults so you have to act like an adult and you're forgetting your line and all these adults are mad at you but then you're still being treated like a child by the adult in certain situations but really being adultified when you're on set but then money and all of this is being caged from you so you're and then you're just like am i am i or am i not and that's something that you really start to see a change in when you start to bud like budding is such a weird phrase like am i a flower like i have boobs now i'm budding but you're paying the bills like right it's weird but when you start to get more feminine and womanly that's another thing that starts that starts going into that that little equation that you've just said all of it and that starts getting weird too you don't physically look like a child anymore but you're still mentally operating like well what does my mom say what does my mom say and then eventually you're like should i keep asking what my mom says or should i move out then you move out and then i remember the press was so hard on you yeah i literally wrote down they would say things like child star gone wild lindsey lohan in training i know imagine telling the 12 year old you said what and it's like lindsey lohan right i loved those movies what do you mean what's wrong you go from working when most kids are just experimenting and doing things so then when you get away from that it's understandable that then you're going to go experiment this is not a new idea we've seen it just people were debating if i was wearing a training bra or a bra yeah like can we no can we think about it no no no and so these these yes they're like sexualizing you to a degree where you're like i i literally can't win this is really weird look at him not the puffy nipples no like you know when you get to that stage no puffy nipple comes first and that is the worst and everyone is talking about it how do you think all of this i know you were talking about that early relationship with greg but like all of the over sexualization and people talking about you like how do you think it impacted your early relationships and what you were looking for and dating not well not well we'll start there uh i think when something has been put on you so long my response was okay then i'll take it okay you want me to be that then i'll be it and i'll be it even more how about that you really want to fuck with me how about this and that is like this kind of yeah it's kind of how i grew up and then when people would point that out like oh like so you're really trying to be bad right because you're like you're a Disney girl like then that would really like send me like just soaring and in anger someone like seeing that seeing this seeing you for who you are in that moment and you're trying yet everything else to be something else in a way is a really weird it's not a phase mom right right you're trying to prove everyone wrong you're like no no no know i'm not affected by that right and then at some point i was just like oh you think i'm fucking like look at her wow she's hot oh you want to see sexy i'll show you sexy it's like you're like i'm gonna push back 10 times harder if you're gonna tell me i'm this then watch i'll do it watch me be a whore no bitch you want me in my whole face watch watch and learn but at some point i feel like that is actually what causes the rebellion is like how many times are you gonna say are you do it literally you like have to stop speaking because if you're gonna keep saying right you're you wanted it so bad and you're saying it when i'm not doing it so i might as well do it let me see what this is all about well pretty sure

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1:05:08I want to feel good. I want you can you literally can support a balanced gut microbiome with ritual symbiotic plus save 25 % on your first month at ritual.com slash call her daddy. That's ritual.com slash call her daddy for 25 % off your first month. Enjoy daddy gang. you have called yourself a relationship hopper before in the past it was like someone called the therapist call her in i mean i want to hear from you like what what was it like when you would have spurts even if they were small alone that you didn't like about that i was never alone i always have my vibrator you're like alex please do not assume because i was absolutely always the clickbaits of this video guys go watch the call your daddy interview this is literally that is like the title like you're never alone grab your vibrator dude i'm dying okay so you you preferred though to be in relationships because you really you did not want to actually physically be alone i'd never been alone since i was a child i'd always been i grew up in a family of four and my mom being best friends with her growing up and you know we'd have sleepovers you know travel somewhere sleep in the same bed like i grew up never alone and yeah and then all of a sudden oh broke up with this man because like yes queen get rid of him and then like oh god i'm alone i'm sitting in this chair what am i doing like and it was just the scariest feeling being alone was so frightening and i'm not totally sure for what reason other than you just didn't spend that much time doing that um now i'm like oh i get like two days alone i'm like let's go eight eight mass later watch me bitch and i'm gonna watch whatever that i want to watch okay i'm gonna watch it all night because i'm a binge watcher now you're more comfortable when you were avoiding being alone what kind of partners were you attracting like were there any patterns you look back and you're like oh my god i kept going for this type of guy the artsy people they need to stay away that that's too much that's too much don't go back to that time i'm surprised you didn't pull out like eight other arrows oh yeah when you started i was like yeah exactly i'm waiting for that like what is this pap shot on the curb oh my god no literally artsy and do you mean my house at one point was filled with just actual trash bags and literal just cardboard cardboard from why places on the street just like people left their cardboard out you know they were moving and they got rid of it and like cut up and then painted on like i dated a lot of artists oh you mean like not even literal because we know musicians you mean i mean literal artist artist paint paint brush and trash bags and cardboard and anything else you could paint and i went through that era of my life too i love painting so that was like a point i was like oh my god look at them they don't give a fuck like that's amazing like i love just being like i'm gonna paint on this thing i see a wall i'm gonna paint on it i see this thing i'm gonna paint on it like what a beautiful way to to live life that's how i was thinking and i still can agree yeah yeah a little balance i just painted my dresser okay okay what color you know um baby blue from dark brown baby blue and with um red flowers cute but maybe like not your whole house is what you're saying and maybe like not the cardboard yeah the the cardboard trash i mean actual trash people's other people's trash that is now in my home with you can only imagine what else is in other people's trash in my home and it's it's painted on now they they keep painting on it so they keep putting it there and i'm not going to throw someone else's artwork away how did you realize that these relationships maybe weren't the best for you oh seeing how people treated me during that time is what made me think i needed to get away it wasn't the cardboard yeah it wasn't the cardboard now i go girl you put up a lot of shit i am that person though in a relationship i'm like yeah like whatever fuck yeah you want to do some shit fuck yeah like let's do it um and then until you start doing some shit you're not supposed to do start treating me disrespectfully sorry sorry knickknacking poking like Like, you start that.

1:10:05Oh, we're going to see that cardboard in the trash. We're going to hear about that art now. And I don't know if it's the Libra in me. You do not want to come over here, man. This is a good segue. This is a good segue because I want to play a little dating game lore with you. I'm going to give you just like a quick, like a scenario or just like a situation, a topic. And any story that comes to mind, just quickly tell us, hit it with us, okay? have you ever walked out on a date yes walked out walked walked out of the car um i got he picked me up and he put his arm like that to open the car door which was offensive for obvious reasons and so then when i checked him on it he was like oh what you expect too much you expect too much and i was like you think that opening the door and getting out walking your merry little ass two feet on over to my side to open my door is expecting too much then we should stop right here because you will never you will we're actually bad for each other you have no idea what's coming your way and so i got out of the car he did it he did the he did the lean and a little push open you said sorry you're not getting any pussy you're not getting nothing no you're you literally are getting trashed and here's a fucking cardboard you piece of shit wait i got out in the middle like we were at as soon as we got to the stoplight and it turned red fucking got my ass out of there and he was like what are you doing what are you doing and it's like gonna turn yellow soon he's like captain he's like trying to like then get out of his side as i'm walking my happy little ass back home i was like no literally i you expectation oh i expect a lot i got ready for you now are we are you this is showing up on your date and you're not going like open the door open the door that is oh you have no idea what's coming later wow okay that's amazing okay what is the worst time someone has given you the ick oh my god i dated somebody that on a plane told me that they should have straight parades yep you heard me wait no i didn't hear you she said take it back rewind i dated somebody that said on a plane that they should have straight parades that that straight people are allowed to have straight parades I don't know why he had to say it pilot can we drop this bitch off he's in the exit

1:12:47no yes uh-huh and I don't know if he was just trying to get a reaction out of me he just wanted to see me in the bed and he wanted to see me get rolled up he wanted to get under my skin and it really worked yeah it worked I'm going this way when we get out I don't care where actually you're going I didn't see him that is then he said oh you're joking shut up shut up why would you even joke you think that's fucking funny because I don't think it's fucking funny it's not funny at all it's disgusting what is the most unexpected place that you've hooked up with someone my publicist back there is like now Bella she just starts saying prayers um i hooked up with someone um outside of my house in the front yard when i was throwing a party you just made that seem like it was like drink or tell the story and were other people around okay people were walking indoor to go to the party welcome and um yeah it's a good way to i was um i was getting freaky um on the other side of the car i love that for you yeah and then i realized that there was my camera but it's just and i looked up if you get what i mean i looked up i get my point and um and then i saw the camera and then i realized that in my kitchen i have all the all the screens oh so everyone in the party is like oh look at camera get it camera x girl girl is talented in many more ways than one she is flexible okay that's actually amazing what is the worst lie that you've caught someone in like in a relationship oh cheating on me how did you find out my friend was like he's there too long like with this girl and i was like not not so worried about it um i like girls and it was like you know if we're like gonna kiss her together like that's like okay like you know like it's fine and then i was like walk her like get her to her uber like don't be like you can't like kiss somebody and then like not be a gentleman you know i mean that's not cute so he goes to take her to uber but then he's taken like a while i guess and my friend eva's like she's like do you think he's fucking her and i'm like what and she's like yeah do you think he like went downstairs to like fuck her and i'm like he's just no he's he's walking her in an uber don't be ridiculous she's like i don't know i just think he is and then he comes upstairs and then she's like were you fucking that girl and so immediately i guess he couldn't tell me the truth and then when i like went to the hotel room i realized that like my clothing that i had given her because she wanted to go in the pool was on the floor and i was like so she so she so she came back to change and he was like well she didn't want to take your stuff and i was like i mean she could have had the bikini like it's okay and i was like i was like oh so you saw her naked and he was like no and then he like after me like a dog with a bone he's like oh she gave me a hand job i'm like right not right it was just a hand job also that's just like lame don't don't cheat on me and then be like she gave me a hand job you had all hooked up not fully no no no no i she was not my type okay okay if we were to kiss a girl together yeah then that was okay and we had done that in the past she he met her at my birthday we had my birthday party and then dm'd her to come meet up with us so she shows up i'm like who's this he's like oh this is a girl i thought was cute like i thought you would like her and i'm like baby she's not my type like she's not you know nothing happened between the three of and then he brings her down and he gets a supposed just hand job a hand job and then later on i'm like i don't believe it right like i don't believe it and then he's like finally like oh that he that she like gave him a blowjob and i'm like no i just stop it and then after we broke off because then we went to like through therapy to like really work through this i had to then go shoot a movie with this man right after i literally had to shoot a movie like three days later and you're like and just now before we start the movie just clarify you fucked her you're like it went from the hand job to the blow job you can now just tell me the truth i would literally just tell me you put it in like tell me that'd be a lot better you're looking a little pussy right now i'm actually the way you just got a hand job you couldn't give that to yourself yeah like yeah like you're not that you needed to cheat on me with a handjob jesus christ that men are so annoying when you're like you catch them and then they're like but it was just it was just and then slowly more and more and more and more and more comes out and you're like i actually would have respected you more if you just admitted it but now i'm on this long train of lies with you that you don't even remember you're like what what did it first start as he wouldn't even remember so then i i had to go do a movie and he's like oh like you need to trust me like give me i'm gonna give you your my instagram password and like i don't do that i don't do the checking the phones i don't do the instagram password stuff i just think it's like if you gotta go there it's also like not good plus you're always gonna find some shit that you don't want to find you find one friendly heart and you're like this motherfucker right you're like this wasn't meant like that at all like you know um and so i i don't i don't think that that's like a good breach of trust but he keeps he keeps saying it it's the way to prove to me right so then finally i'm like you know what all right and it's 5 a.m and i'm on my way to set i see these messages and they're all in a different language he thinks that i'm not gonna like translate it but my assistant yes and the time is like so did you know google translates can take photos now and i'm like no and like but then there's voice memos so i'm google translating with the photos and it's not looking good in here not looking good but then there's voice memos and they're speaking very fast in another language so i asked our server at the time i'm like can you translate this for me no oh bella he loves you oh he thinks you're so beautiful and he just keeps going on and on about how much this man loves me and thinks i'm amazing you're like so sexy and he wants to any and at some points he does these weird faces like i'm not going to translate this so i can only imagine what he's saying at the time that this server does not want to translate um my fiance cheating on me and uh and then i'm like i'm like and then i yeah i do the full translation i he thinks i'm an idiot i'm not gonna read the other language so then we go through a lot of therapy like a lot of therapy after that because i'm like you know i've committed to this person and you know obviously i've done something wrong here and which is just not true for anybody who's been cheated on it's not true you haven't done anything wrong and i'm sorry but ridiculous the concerted effort to be like i'm gonna get crafty i'm gonna cheat in a different language because maybe she'll just be so exhausted from this job she won't have she don't have time to actually translate all this and meanwhile you're like meanwhile me my assistant my hair and makeup artist the girls and the server right now are pointing out you're cheating ass bitch okay you think i wouldn't but i got the girl squad okay and this very nice gay italian man like and he will he want to tell you okay sir no when you're trying to tell the italian it gets worse no it does get worse no yeah so after the therapy it does get worse oh my god from the hand job to here keep going so after the therapy and i just like you know at one point in he said this thing about somebody else who was being treated on and i saw in his i was it just like it all clicked for me and i was like oh you actually don't feel like bad or there's no like you actually think that this is like okay and uh and my father cheated on my mom a lot growing up and so I had a lot of like past kind of cheater drama and then when I broke up with that it's like you know he's like well because you were so honest I wanted to write you this letter and in the letter he just tells me that he was always cheating on me throughout our four years and he but don't worry because he never slept with the same girl more than once don't worry he never not with the same girl not more than once babe don't he just slept with so many of them but not more than once he didn't have emotional connection the way this man is so in love he cares so much for you he's like baby i the way the respect i have i made sure never exactly double dip exactly and like i respect you so much that i need to tell you this and that's the respect i have for our relationship and then also i left my saint laurent leather jacket at your place so if you could please mail it to me no no no no bella the way that this man was like but but it was just like it was a one and done like they convinced themselves they're like it's not no it's not cheating because they have these stipulations in their head he convinced himself it wasn't cheating because we um because we like to get with girls like together that we were like you know like you know like i was like i wanted to be in the open relationship you motherfucker and i said that at the opening of us dating and i was like you live somewhere else i want to be in an open relationship because i need attention and i need someone there physically with me he was like no well that's just not gonna work like i'll give you girls i'll give you girls because girls they mean nothing right they mean nothing so you can get some attention from women but you can't have any attention from men and then meanwhile you are she's on a tear everyone you meet oh my god that is so controlling it's like he's getting to actually that's the definition of having his cake and eating it too and you're just sitting there like all right like so we don't want an open relationship even though we have this like mutual agreement that if we find someone that we're like down together great but if not we're not able to do it without each other he's like and you're literally like huh bro that whole time the whole the translating is so good the trick it's too much no that's like one of the all-time greats can we put it in a movie no no no that is like put that in a script immediately

1:24:18you're like i have lived this life alex no that's wild it was really hard on that movie i had to um there was a scene where we were making love and in in in the scene they put all these photographs of me up on the walls like a gallery and they were photographs that they had taken on me on that set during that time and so I'm on the floor and he's on top of me and I'm just like surrounded by all these versions of me just staring at myself and just like broke down and could not after also after like the eighth fake of doing this again and again this man is in my mouth. I hate him. I'm upset. My body like wants him and hates him at the same time.

1:25:07Like this is someone I love and yet someone I don't know at all. And I will never forget the feeling of like literally like eight Bellas just looking at me like you want to go back to him? Is this what you're worth? That's what you see for yourself? Like this is who you want to be? Like, you know, like, are you okay with the way this man treats you? And I'll never forget that feeling. like honestly felt like a horror movie i was like is this the barbarian like you're like what is this like oh no exactly yeah not now

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1:27:43We all wanna start that business. But the truth is a lot of us are like, but what would be our first step? I'm telling you, Shopify is your first step. Serious about starting your own thing? Start your free trial at shopify.com slash daddy. I feel like you have had some private, I'm sure like this obviously, but then there's like been a very big public experience that you went through where like you were essentially violated to some degree and you tried to take ownership and control of that situation back in 2019 you made the decision to leak your own nudes because a hacker was essentially threatening that they were going to do this and can you just like tell the story of what the hell happened because i unfortunately think revenge porn is such a common experience for a lot of women and i would just like love to hear what your personal experience was with it it started off with a text and like oh hi kitty something something and i was just like what is this to ignore it you know i'm like i'm trying to get my number like what's i don't and then again and again and then a photo of me that i had never posted and i was like my brain just like chills and then he was like you want more and so he sent more and then he like kept sending them until he got me in a conversation with him um and And yeah, he kept going with it.

1:29:27I was doing my book tour at the time for The Life of a Wannabe Mogul. And I'm like, I wrote this book because I felt like I was so misunderstood. And I was so, I didn't know how to express myself. Not only misunderstood, but I was not properly expressing myself. and I felt that kind of one of my last like things that I had to do before kind of just giving up on myself was write this book and then maybe people read it and they like they understand me a little bit more so I write this book and while I'm fucking doing this press tour talking about molestation and like dark shit this man is threatening me and won't stop threatening me and I had to keep doing these interviews and I'll never forget I'm with my manager Thor who I'm still with and he at that time I like looked at him I showed him the messages he read through all of them and I was just like I don't know what to do like it just feels like this is what's happening again like my power was taken from me then for so many years and now he has this he has this thing I mean, he's taking it again.

1:30:41It's like it felt like being like re-raped and also feeling this, like everything will end if he does this. Everything will end for you. Everything, all the shit that you've been through, everything you've done to get to this point is all going to be blown up and just it's gone if he does this. And having someone else have that power and that agency over your own body. and I love I love my manager and at that time and I think he he saw me as a person and not as a client because I don't think anyone any agent or manager would have been like yeah all right you want to do that because you think it'll make you feel better sure release your own nudes and he was like honestly bella yeah like what he's writing you is like fucked up and like with what you've been through this is my like door accent this is like this is your only way like i don't i don't have another way for you like i don't have another like option and i put him out and that was horrible how did you come up with that idea to release him yourself he's literally saying he's gonna do this and i don't keep sending him photos and i'm like now he wants me to start like sending stuff and like and then now it wasn't even about money he's like wanted more photos also about money and photos and like i'm gonna keep sending you these videos and then he starts sending me other people that i'm friends with their nudes yeah and he's like you see how powerful i am how many times I can do this to you over and over.

1:32:25And I was like, well, if like, at the end of the day, if I'm going to lose my whole career and everything I've worked for being like 20 at that time and working since I was eight, I'm going to just like just say, fuck it all. And I'm never going to work again. And my life's over because this man's going to do this. So I'll just do it again. It's kind of I guess if you think about it, it's kind of the way i approach life you want to say she's so sexual sexual okay so then i'll be sexual like you want to do this to me you want to take this from me so i'm going to take it and still like instead you know it was your way though of actually reclaiming control yeah like you're talking about having horrific things happen to you when you were younger you're like i refuse to not be in control of my body again.

1:33:13So let's do it. Yeah. So you release them online. And how did you preface it? I just did an honest Twitter post. Yeah, I just kind of set it out as it is. And you're not going to keep taking this from me. So here it is. And, you know, I think the worst part of that was people saying, you did this. You are faking it. You just want to show us your tits. You want us so badly to see your private parts that that's why you're doing it. You want it. and that to me like really broke me then that like really really broke me and there's definitely like a video of me where i'm like doing an instagram story and i'm like completely like broken and so upset um understandably just mad and then i get like a call one day and it's the FBI.

1:34:20And they're like, hey, you know, we've seen this thing. We think it's our guy. And like, can we come over? Can we get all the data? Can we see what this is? And they came over to my house. So now I have like a house full of FBI, which is like the craziest thing. I keep looking around like there's weed in this house. There's weed in the FBI in here. And I keep reminding myself it's California. It's legal. Do they know I have a weed brand? Do they know I own one but it's still scary you're like yeah guys here oh god there's a marriage i wanna um it is legal but still i'm nervous no literally and yeah i gave them everything did work together for quite quite a bit and uh i think it took a year and a half a little over that and uh and they got him and they knew it was him from the writing so if i had not posted those screenshots they wouldn't have caught him or maybe they would have caught him later, but they wouldn't have had that direct source.

1:35:20And that's how they knew is because of the screenshots, because it's his exact writing. They're like, this is his MO. It's the same guy it has to be. And then he kept taking this thing because I love cats and I'm a big cat person. So he kept calling me Kitty and like taking this thing from me that I love so much. And I've got these cat tattoos. And he would like keep poking the Kitty thing and Kitty and come here, Miss Kitty Kitty and do this for me, Miss Kitty Kitty. And that was another one of my like breaking like you're not going to fucking take something that I love and I rescued cats and you know I'm going to like fuck you.

1:35:52I'm just going to put this out. I'm going to put it out because I have no other choice. That's what I feel like right now. I'm not letting anybody do this to me again. That is so crazy that then the Internet turned it into you are getting blackmailed and this hacker is coming for you and somehow you are getting slapped. What do we tell women all the time in life? you were raped that night were you wearing a short skirt so you wanted it you had a drink that night okay so you wanted it it's always you want it that is that is like the inherent thing that we grow up with it is it's everywhere it's in every book it's in fucking at this point the only thing that doesn't have it is fucking mother nature literally the only thing that doesn't have it is the trees and the grass and shit okay it's it's everywhere it's embedded in every culture everywhere you look it's it's fucking and i'm sure it's embedded in these chairs i'm sure when they made these chairs they were like well we need to make something feminine but not too feminine okay and it needs to be soft enough but it still needs to give a little bit like of a man vibe because like she can't be too feminine if she's gonna have work right because she can't be both like literally in everything it's it is horrific to know that somehow you were blamed for it and yet you're right it's so expected of course of course what did that experience though kind of teach you about the process of reporting crimes and like working to that capacity i

1:37:20the grace and the bravery that it takes someone is is is so incredible i anyone who's ever had to write like a witness like um like victim quote unquote statement is, I mean, I give it up to everyone who has come forward and everyone who hasn't, you know, both are incredibly brave in their own right. And that is the truth. Yeah, it's not easy at all. Either one, you're right. Because it's like half the time you're not believed. And then when they're trying to believe you, there's so many questions that you're like is this even worth it I don't want to relive this for sure putting it into your like own words having to speak it out loud in a room full of when I was writing this this statement and they were explaining to me why it was important because of the sentencing and for the judge to really hear what this person has taken from you in your life and you spend so much of your life trying to like concentrate on the things that didn't take from you and now you have to sit here and like publicly like speak it out speak out those words what someone has has done what they have taken who you no longer are because of this person and their actions and yeah it's just man there are so many like incredibly brave and courageous people it's so inspiring to hear you from literally the young girl that i showed in that picture to then, you know, your working experience and essentially surviving that extremely difficult environment to then getting out into the world after Disney, trying to find your identity, but also wanting to rebel a little bit and be like, I literally didn't have really a childhood.

1:39:16So like, I'm going to lean in. I'm going to have fun. I didn't even know about my bank account or I didn't have an ID. Like I deserve to have a little bit of me time, essentially going through all the relationships that you went through, all the cheaters, all the people, all the artists, all the cardboard, to then finding your now fiance, going through the online trauma of this experience. It feels like now you're in this place where you've grown so much as an individual. It seems like you're in this great relationship now. What do you think now sitting here are some of the biggest changes that you've noticed in yourself as a whole, like in reflecting back on even everything that we've talked about i'm not as reactive definitely not as reactive

1:40:10i have boundaries yeah i created some of those it's crazy you can create them they're there they may look invisible but they're not um i think that's probably one of my biggest one yeah is is the boundaries not having them before and having them now and creating them for your own is such a can be such a beautiful and joyous experience it can also be like really sad and sometimes it's good to like hold space for the versions of yourself that didn't have that you know that's such a good point it's like you can be proud of yourself now but you can also have empathy for why it was so hard back then it's like having almost like doing it for your younger self now like having those boundaries you can now be so proud of yourself like oh my god everything i went through and how horrific things i had to experience that i shouldn't have had to experience probably also shouldn't have even had to have boundaries at that age or in that moment right but now you can be proud of yourself for surviving all that yeah and having grown to be so strong for what you went through and what you now demand for yourself yeah and i think we put so much like women again you just can't do it right um and like your body and all these other things is jesus and like everyone wants to take it from you all the time and then you're ostracized for having boundaries or you're a bitch for speaking up for yourself you're you're blaming yourself which is what i've done for so much of that part of my life and being in situations that I didn't know how to get out of or I literally didn't know how to leave other than running out the door physically.

1:42:27And I think over the years, I've really blamed that version. And at this time, when you kind of grow up and you're like, that wasn't right though. Like, yeah, holding that space for, it's okay that you didn't know then. it's okay that you know now and i think like when you're that young of a young girl going through like everyone always says it like the body keeps score right like yeah you can do so much mental work to just try to keep your head above water and to keep working like you're having to keep working through this trauma right you're having to keep working through people taking advantage of you and your body and all these moments and you shouldn't have had to do that but you were in survival mode and so i think it takes it can take your whole life to just like slowly reclaim parts of your body even like doing therapy for a decade you can unlock parts and feel like you reclaimed parts but like it's a never-ending process because that something that should always be yours something that should never be taken advantage of or taken from you and as an actor you're taught the opposite as an actor like your body like you you learn how to disassociate from your own body because you're putting and disassociate from your brain to like almost create two parts of the brain one part of the brain is experiencing this incredibly traumatic thing that i'm trying to act out as well as experience in real time and then the other part is this protective part and you can like it's kind of like watching yourself from the outside in a way like think about the scenes where actors have to do and you're like you're being you're being raped on camera you're doing these like really physical detrimental scenes to your like to your psyche as well as your body and so you have to disassociate and then you're no longer acting but for some reason you keep having to disassociate from your body you know throughout life and so to reclaim it as you said like piece by piece back is like a really like i used to love to show like my skin and I still love to show skin but I used to be like fucking like you know nipples or whatever like yes and then I realized that I never went through the time to be precious about them to be precious about you know yourself your own body and I never went through that period and I feel like I've just recently been getting to be precious and to um yeah to have that i'm so it's really like cathartic to hear you say this because i think a lot of women are gonna be sitting at home and crying with you because i think the amount of women who have unfortunately and should never have had to nor should you have ever had to been taken advantage of it's like you're you're reliving it also in moments in microcosms in your life as much as you're healing work we're hearing about obviously when this person is going to leak your nudes or someone makes a comment or someone's saying these every little thing in life can bring you back to that moment and so it's this ongoing battle within yourself as a woman that you have to try to be so fucking strong and keep going it's ridiculous it's ridiculous stop making us be so strong literally let's be weak no literally no i know i want to be a weak woman you know what how about that can i be a weak woman today friday would be good sunday is a good day to be weak i'd love to be a weak woman on a sunday that's why this is ridiculous no i know that's why i feel for you right now i like want to reach out and hug you because i'm like it's so people are who especially men and who are just so naive to it it's like they think there can be an isolated incident it's like this carries through to so much of you it doesn't define you but like you are just having to work 10 times harder in moments to just survive and so i just give you so much grace of just like oh my god everything you've been through and then sitting here and even you being like i have boundaries and i'm more patient now like that is what just happens with time and it's horrific that you had to go through any of the things that we're talking about, but you're such a survivor in your own right.

1:46:48And it's really inspiring as a woman to like connect with you and talk with you about these themes that are unfortunately so universal, but you are also a testament to someone who has been able to be basically dragged through the mud, gone through these horrific things. And you're so intelligent and you're funny and you're wise and you're all these things and you deserve to have happiness. And so it's amazing to see that you're reclaiming that in a way that it's going to take a lot of time and it's still going to be a lot of work and a lot of therapy, a lot. We're putting budget, but you're here.

1:47:23And the young girl who said I was maybe not going to be here if I didn't get out of that house at one point, you're still standing and that's all on you no one else is to thank or to give props to or it's you you did that you did that yourself thank you alex of course very sweet i need to brag more about you some of your accolades um you're a director um you did the incredible by you know you're still obviously an actress but you have transitioned into a director which is such a feat in itself to be taken seriously, to be talked about, right, in a way that people are going to show up for you and look at you, especially even just as a woman.

1:48:07And so congratulations. Obviously, you've been referencing your first project. I know you have something big coming. You are directing and starring in Spring Breakers 2. and writing and I wrote it okay how did this opportunity come to be the producers watched Color Your Hurt which is the movie that I just wrapped in early cut of it and they asked me to write something to see if they would like it and they loved it and now I'm writing and directing Spring Breakers 2 no no no that is forever bitch let's go that is like first of all you being in it i'm already like yes you directing it yes you writing yes like that is incredible thank you that's so incredible also because the first spring breakers was directed by a man uh-huh how do you think the sequel will be different with you know some female energy uh-huh some female energy oh the female energy is there girl for sure um 2012 was such which is like when the movie came out was such an exploitative time and everyone was going through it at that time like me and Miley and Zendaya and Selena and everybody being comparative who was going to be that next bad girl and everything happening it felt like that was the time too and in this time things are different they are crazy there's a lot of craziness there's a lot of litness there's so much litness in this movie i just like bell a little laugh no no no the like maniacal laugh i'm like spring breakers 2 and Bella Thorne, I'm like, oh my god.

1:50:10Is there anything you can tease or anything you want to just set the groundwork so people have a little something to chew on? We're working with the original team. It's back, so we're really excited about that. I don't want to get in trouble. I know. I don't want to get in trouble. But what I can say is it is so Liddy, Liddy McDitties. I mean, from start to finish, it's lit as fuck. We are having fun. If you wanted to go to the theater and have fun, you gonna have fun with this movie. That's for sure. Yeah, it's balls to the wall. That's like the most, that's what everyone says when they read the script.

1:50:53Balls to the wall. Can you say if there's, is there anyone from the original in it or no?

1:51:03Okay, we're not going to say anything. we will be sat we will be ready we are we are so fucking ready bella before you go because i know also also i went what when spring breakers came out i begged my manager to let me go to the premiere because he'd worked on the first one so when spring breakers came out i was at that premiere oh that's really so you can do the age math as well i was there and i begged i begged that's why i love my manager that's wild and now you're here you went to the premiere as a fan and now the after party and now i wanted to see the girls writing directing and starring that's kind of just like that that feels right that feels right for the girls right yep you can do anything oh my god that was such like a cultural like moment in time and just like crazy everyone just like yeah becoming a woman and like questioning being a woman and like what that's gonna look like for the rest of your life and you know then you have these girls doing these things in this movie and it was just like on the big screen it was big screen that movie that was a big screen movie it was yeah and this will be too yeah and you're in front and behind it yes yes power to you that's actually fucking incredible seriously congrats thank you um okay bella of everything you've accomplished what are you hoping for this new era for yourself like what can we expect i know obviously we've got the projects but like what else what can we expect a happier bella hopefully i feel i feel happier so far getting to do something that i love like directing and getting to concentrate on production and getting further into all sides of the art in that way instead of just I love acting and I love I love finding projects that I want to act in like that's really important and yeah I hope I get to really like enjoy continuing on this journey um yeah yeah deserve it thank you i could talk to you forever um that was such an incredible conversation i feel like we went in so many different directions and thank you so much for going there with me i love talking to smart interesting women and i knew we would have such a connection and a great conversation but i couldn't have imagined the amount of themes I feel like so many women are going to be like, oh, my God, thank you.

1:53:47Thank you. Thank you. And that's all to you today. So thank you for opening up because we wouldn't have had this conversation. And the depth that you brought was really inspiring. So thank you for coming on Color Daddy Queen. Thank you for having me. To all the people and the women and everybody that hears themselves and sees themselves in this episode. I love you and you're beautiful.

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