Can You Be Friends With an EX?

0:00Sunday morning, fath this calling. do do do do do do do do every sunday's far this day that was pretty good right hello everyone welcome back to another episode of call her daddy it's alex and something is in the air everything is funny to me right now and it's not funny like even if something really fucked up happened i would be laughing i can't figure out if it's because I'm like sleep deprived. Last night, Matt and I laid in bed until I would say 2.33 AM and we could not stop talking. And this is like a big deal for Matt and I, because Matt, like the traitor he is, is constantly, the minute his head hits the pillow, snores out, he's gone like a light.

0:48And I am, I actually need to know this. Is this a man versus woman thing where it's like the minute my head hits the pillow, mental warfare, all of the things begin. I'm like, oh my God, what is my five-year plan? And like, oh my God, like what will my third baby's name be? Oh my God, I haven't texted that girl from college that I wanted to reconnect with. And oh my God, like I really should order this thing off of Amazon because I know that that nail is going to chip and I need to use the cuticle oil, but I don't own cuticle oil. So I need to own the cuticle oil. So I need to go on Amazon. Oh my God, then I'm on Amazon at 3am.

1:23And I'm like, oh my God, I need a white bikini. Oh my God, this pattern one is so cute. Oh my God, I needed sandals. Wait, the drawer that I needed to put in my bathroom to organize my perfumes, boom, purchase, like no matter how tired I am. Most nights I lay my head to rest and instead of resting, it's just the beginning of my mind circulating with every possible angle that I can go in my life. And Matt, the actual frustration when I look at that motherfucker and he rests his head down, I'm like, okay, so Matt, are you, Matt, you're already asleep. And I'll whack him with the pillow. And he's like, Alex, just cause I can fall asleep and you can't, doesn't mean you have to destroy my sleep.

2:07And I'm like, I'm sorry, we're about to get married in no shape or form. If I'm struggling, you're coming down with me, baby. We're going down the drain together. If I fucking sink, you sink. However, if I fall asleep first, fuck right off. Suffer in silence, you little piece of shit. Okay. And so the point is, is Matt is always falling asleep so easily. And so last night, I don't know what got into him, but we're laying in bed together. And I will admit, sometimes I try to like sneakily rile him up. Like if we're talking for a little longer than normal, and I would usually be like, oh, he's going to fall asleep soon.

2:42And he hasn't, instead of acknowledging it, I'm like so excited, but I don't, it's like, I'm trying to think of a good analogy. Someone's doing something that they never do for you. You're not going to be like, wow, look at you doing it. You're going to let them finish the task. And then you're going to be like, I'm so shocked you did that because you want them to finish the task. That's me with Matt. When he is not falling asleep, there's something in me that just like was rejoicing. And so I kept talking and I kept talking and he kept responding and he wasn't snoring. And I'm like, this is the best time of my life.

3:32But something that Matt brought up that I was thinking about and it made me really, I really wanted to bring this up because the other day Matt went to this get together with a bunch of his guy friends and some of the guy friends he didn't really know but it was like a friend of a friend and everyone was coming together and Matt came home and he was like this is such a weird strange thing but I want to bring this up because I never want to get to this point in our relationship and our marriage and I was like what and he said when I was with all these guys a lot of the men were like oh my fucking god like I need to get away from my wife and my kids like I just need to get away from my wife like I need some oh like I need to get away like I'm so stressed and like I need some guy time and like and Matt was like it made me really sad that I totally understand everyone needs time with their friends Matt was like I get it like of course I want guy time I want to go golf I want to whatever but he was like but there's no need to put down your wife and your kids or your family or your partner in the same sentence like of course every it's really healthy to have a relationship outside of your partner but he was like I was just overwhelmed by how all of these guys were just like fuck like I need time away from the wife like why do you need to put it that way why can't you be like oh I'm so excited I've been so stressed with work so much going on I can't wait to hang out with the guys like it's and I feel like I've seen it everywhere like when I look back at some of even like the men growing up like around me like some of the dads growing up around me like I feel so happy and fortunate like I never saw my father talk that way about my mother of like I gotta get away from her and it makes me obviously happy that like I chose a partner that's like I never want to like I would never say that but it just made me think daddy gang like I want to be really clear this is not saying that your partner should not want to spend time with their friends and to like have some independence and alone time away from their partner that's not what I'm saying it's the fact that people feel the need to put down their partner and put down their life at home and use that as the excuse as to why they're so excited for their friend time.

5:58Like it's so sad. And then I sit here and I'm like, I feel like I've heard so many people say this before. And I agree with Matt. I never want to get to that point in my relationship. And I can imagine people be like, girl, wait till you're 40 years into a marriage. You're going to be like, I need to get the fuck away from my husband. I don't know. Like, again, I know I've talked about it before. I feel really fortunate that I watched my parents growing up have a really healthy relationship. But like I have never seen my mom or my dad be like, get me away from him. Like, of course, my mom's like, oh, he's being so annoying.

6:35But it's never like, oh, like I need time away from that person. Like, I just feel like if you feel that way, there's such a larger issue. And when I look back at my previous relationships, oh, my God, I would like text Lauren. And I would text Chris and I would text Jackie being like, I need a girl's weekend. I need to get away from him because it was toxic. And it was, I wasn't feeling good about myself or I wasn't fully being myself in that relationship. And so I think these men, it's like, they're playing these roles with like their wife and they're looking at their wife and they're just like, oh, like no fun, not like, don't want to be around.

7:11And like, that to me is terrifying. I would be so depressed if I found out that my husband was walking into rooms being like, Jesus fucking Christ like I can't take the wife this week I need to get the fuck away from my kids like what I mean write into me daddy gang if you've heard this or experienced this too but when Matt said it to me it just kind of like a light bulb went off of like it's really toxic I think I think it's really unhealthy okay so we're gonna do a little thing that I like to call go to France and have a little question.

7:48We haven't gone to France in quite a while. I guess we should go to France in order to get a little something I like to call. Oh, we're going to fucking France. Let's do questions. Here we fucking go. You guys have written in a lot of good questions recently. I feel like you guys have been really on your grind and I've kind of just been giving deadbeat dad. So let me really turn this motherfucker around and let me answer some of your questions. Okay. Your problems are my problems. Oh my God. I have been feeling really insecure about trying new things in the bedroom with my boyfriend because I don't bleach my asshole and I don't want him to be grossed out.

8:22Do guys expect that from you? Babe, I don't bleach my asshole. Should Matt be grossed out? Like where, okay. My only issue with this question is like, it makes me feel like he's said something to you in the past that would make you feel like your asshole is gross. I have never had a man complain about my asshole. Um, if anything, I've like swatted them away and be like, please, for the love of God, like let's stick to the vagina tonight. But I, I don't, I think if maybe this is coming from a place where your boyfriend maybe has made a comment about your asshole not being bleached. Um, I bet he doesn't bleach his asshole.

9:05So I always think this way. If they're not doing it, why should we have to do it? You know, um, babe, I think you got to get out of your head. And if your boyfriend is ever making you feel insecure about the natural color of something on your body, it's time to break up with him. My boyfriend's success rate in the bedroom has taken a hit. He only gets me off like 40 % of the time. Now it's gotten so bad. I've started watching porn when he's gone just to get off. I think it's so hot when guys are assertive and a little dominant and take the lead. But lately he's been so passive. I've tried to hint at trying new things or introducing toys, but he isn't taking the bait.

9:44I've also been pretty clear that I'm not really coming every time. And while he feels bad, he still isn't doing anything about it. How do I get him to step it up? Okay. So I feel like here's the thing not to ever ever ever support a man blindly but it is really the blind leading the blind when it comes to the penises and them downstairs in our region you know and I feel like even you saying like you know I I've tried to like kind of hint no there's no hinting there is no hinting when it comes to men men need an instruction manual women are able to read the cues to read the room to you know read through the lines men need a fucking start to finish step one through step fucking 10 and I know it must be annoying but I do think it's like if you are watching porn while he's gone and you have told him you're not coming I think the next time that you have sex be like babe I've missed you so much I'm so excited I love you let's have sex and then be like I I've wanted to like start watching porn like this has been getting me off while you're gone like I want to incorporate it into the bedroom it feels as though he's probably like it looks it's like a dad it's like a dog with this tail between his legs right now he's feeling insecure.

11:10He's feeling inferior and he knows he's not doing the job. So you know what? What have we been taught ladies? When a man can't do something, you can do it probably already fucking better and just do it yourself. Okay. I think it's like, you got to just get your momentum back in the bedroom. Even if it's you taking charge, pull up the fucking porn live streaming on fucking TV, watch it on the TV with him, get your vibrator out, start doing your dance, start doing your song and dance on your clit, whatever it takes. I think sometimes we're too generous with men in terms of how kind we are when it comes to the bedroom.

11:47From my experience, like men are not that kind when it comes to like saying if they're not pleased or not, right? Like they'll make either like an inappropriate comment to you at dinner, like, well, yeah, you're not even fucking me or yeah, blah, blah, blah. Like they have no shame to speak up when they're not getting their nut. And the most time it is annoying, but we know most time men just get their nut and they black out and they don't even pay attention to you. If they're just having a hard time getting off, they can just black out and get it done. So you, we kind of got to take a page from a man's book, like blackout and get it done yourself.

12:18And even if he's in feeling inferior, then you can say, babe, I love you so much. I've kind of shared with you. I'm having a hard time getting off. I just want you to work with me. And there's some things that work for me when I'm masturbating alone that I think we just need to incorporate into the bedroom. whenever you are not satisfied a lot of times I'm not saying that you shouldn't rely on your partner but sometimes you actually have to take things into your own hands and I think when it comes to your own orgasm of course it's important that your partner can get you off but I've done things in moments where like Matt knows there are certain times of the month where like I really like certain different positions like if I'm on my period I like it this way if I'm not on my period I like it this way if I'm being if I'm PMSing I like it this way but it's because I've taught the man.

12:59I've literally been like, he'll be like, let's do this. And I will say to Matt in the middle of switching positions, I'll be like, no, do this. And he's immediately like fall in line and just does it. So I think you need to get a little bit more specific and take charge and kind of stop like hinting and hoping just fucking do it.

13:42I was with my ex-boyfriend for eight months and honestly everything was great. We barely fought and seemed to be on the same page about everything until the topic of children came up. He told me he didn't know if he could ever be a dad, which freaked me out because I know I want to be a mom one day We ultimately broke up because we realized we weren't as aligned as we thought we were on some of the bigger issues Now i'm totally questioning my approach to dating I know you shouldn't have huge conversations about the future early on into a relationship But when is the right time to talk about stuff like marriage or kids?

14:17I don't want to come off like a freak, but I also really don't want to waste my time anymore. Please help help? Such a good question. Listen, there's in my brain always two ways to do something. It's either so immediate or read the room in timing once you have gauged a relationship with someone. So what I mean by that is a lot of times back in the day when I would go on first dates, I would joke about things in a way that I'm trying to get an answer for, but obviously I'm doing it in a funny way that like is gonna get me my answer but it's not coming across like I'm being clingy psycho bitch like I just met you Jeremy and I want to have your fucking babies what I will say to that though and like I'm trying to think of like a good example of how I would do that I would say something along the lines if he's like we're drinking and we're hanging out and I would say something like oh my god like how many siblings do you have and he would say like oh I'm an only child.

15:16And then I could say something like, Oh my God, would you ever want to have just one kid if you were having kids? Cause I feel like, I feel like sometimes only child children can be freaks. I don't know. You're giving me like kind of serial killer vibes right now, John. And he'd be like, no, no, no. I know I want like more than two kids because I fucking hated being an only child. Boom. You just got a little fucking context. I know I want more than two kids. Again, I think Like I sometimes in my flirting will like lightly shit talk and then go back to flirting. If that's not your style and you don't feel like you could like make a chill enough joke and land the plane in that way, I totally get it.

15:55That may not be your style. So then don't do that and be self-aware enough to know because God forbid you're like, oh, you're a freak. You're an only fucking child. Do you want more than one kid? And then he's like, okay, you're an asshole. Like just read the room. If you can be like a little punny and funny. Yes. Take that approach. If you are like, that is so not my style, Alex. I'm like not making jokes like that on a date. Totally great. Fine. So then what I would say is you can say something along the lines of like, if you're doing it on the first date, again, to be chill. You could say something like, how many siblings do you have?

16:29And be like, and if he again says like, oh, I have five. I'm like, oh, that's so interesting. Like, do you want a big family one day? Or did you, was that like such chaos, like growing up in that house? Like, do you see how I'm like, you're making it chill. You're relating it to something that they've went through. of like, oh, cool. Like you have five. Oh my God. You have five siblings. Like, would you, would you even want that many kids? That's so that's like cheaper by the dozen. Like that's, I feel like that's so many. Cause I only have, I have two siblings and it's already so much like, and you know what I mean?

16:54Like being chill again, someone could say you could be super direct and I don't hate that approach. I just think, um, here is my opinion. I personally would never ask someone how many, if they want kids on the first date, because I don't even know if I like you on the first date is my personal opinion. Like I would never ask a guy that just cause I'm like, I need to even see if I want to fucking watch you down another stake in 48 hours. Cause I may get home and be like, I fucking hate that guy. That was an ick. Ew. And I don't really care if he wants kids or not. So I would say if you wait a little bit, I don't think you're wasting your time if you go on four dates.

17:33Okay. And by the fourth date, then you could maybe say like, Oh, like tell me about your family like when naturally I would say when their family comes up is a way for you to not awkwardly be like do you want kids do you want fucking kids and again I know some people would disagree with me and be like oh I would just say like hey listen I'm dating and I know I'm like getting more to that point in my life where I'm thinking about having a family and like I don't when I say that not to be a dick but like I'm not looking at you being like like have my babies with me I'm more so just trying to gauge like is that something you're even interested in because like I don't really want to waste each other's time you can totally totally do that I think if you're doing that like 10 dates in that's totally appropriate but I think just on the first date be self-aware enough to know like you can't even know if you like him so why the fuck do you care if he wants kids first figure out if you even like the man you know what I mean um but yeah and then I think if you want to be really direct there's a non-creepy crazy way to do it like I just said like hey I this is such this is my always my go-to when something is awkward call it out this is my least favorite topic but I do just need to say it so that like I can go I can leave this date and like no I asked you because I don't want to be a freak but like I am looking at some point not tomorrow but like of course like I want to have a family one day and I feel like I've dated guys in the past that are not interested in having kids and I totally respect that but I just wanted to gauge from you like with me or another woman one day are you thinking like that's something you're looking for just so I can kind of gauge

19:29Okay, next.

19:59and someone is going to get their feelings hurt. Do you think this can work? Can I make a mistake? This is a great, great question. And I actually think there is something really healthy about what you're doing right now. Number one, I wanna commend you because the amount of people that write in freaking out, saying like, I have only been with my boyfriend. I do love him so much, but I also like, I wanna live a little, and I do wanna have a single phase, and I do wanna just see what else is out there. not that I don't love my boyfriend, but because it's like, I haven't lived. Like, again, I, it's just, it's so hard to, it's so hard to be a human being and to find something incredible.

20:39And I empathize with everyone going through this. Like, I can't imagine finding essentially what you can deem the love of your life at an early age, but naturally as a human being, we crave experience and new beginnings and we crave feelings with other people and we crave connection and we crave the feelings of the unknown and and you just like want to experience life and it's like the same thing when you're like with your parents but like you have to move on from your parents at some point when you're like going to college or you're going away or you're moving to a new city like at some point if you've been with someone for so long from such a young age developmentally when you're growing like you're gonna naturally be like oh like what else is out there and that's normal so the fact that you were able to end something with your ex and be like I kind of want to go explore.

21:28I commend you because I know a lot of people that like don't do that and then they get married and then they're like fuck my life. Like I never had a ho phase. I never got to go out. I never got to be single. I never got and I now all I can think about when I'm fucking masturbating is that or now I can think about when I'm fucking sitting alone is that and it doesn't mean you don't love your partner but it is normal. Okay so what I will say is this. I really do believe in breaking up with someone and you could find your way back to someone one day. Do I think it's likely? No, because I feel like if that really was potentially the love of your life, like, I don't know.

22:07I guess that's contradicting. Like, I know you want to have experiences, but at the same time, I think this is what you have to do. You have to focus on what your body and your mind are telling you in this moment. You want to experience life outside of this one partner that you've had. You want to meet people. You want to date. You want to have sex with other people. You want to be intimate with other people. You want to flirt with other people. You want to make out with people. Like that's normal. And of course, feelings can get hurt. My advice to you would be, I think there is a healthy balance of not sharing so much.

22:44If your ex is asking you things like you guys could maybe have a rule, like when you're together, if you ever hanging out like we don't really need to talk about what we're doing outside of our own chill like friends with benefit relationship because what I think what ends up happening and this is where you're going to have to prepare yourself is he's being chill and then maybe one night you say like sorry I can't hang out and he's like why and it's like uh and you're going to probably say because I'm going on a date and I think that's healthy to be honest like he needs to know the reality is yes of course you are dating and you're allowed to go date other people but I think getting into too many details too often could really create this like animosity and divide um so I think like sparing details where you can but I also will say this you're kind of in the position of power right now and I need you to prepare yourself because I've had this happen to me before right now he's kind of following your lead and you guys are still hooking up how are you going to feel when you ask him to hang out one night and he says sorry no I'm going on a date with someone.

23:47So I personally think in order for you to actually get your full experience and lean into being single, I never think it's smart to have an ex around. I get it that you didn't end on bad terms. It's really hard to not just like have your person in your corner and be able to go to that safety net and go to that comfort. And after going on five bad dates, you get to run back to him and like have a little date night and have that familiarity. I so get it. But I think if you're really going to actually enjoy the uncomfortability and the perks and the lows and the highs of being single and dating, you're not going to get that full experience if your ex is around.

24:30And maybe you should just say like, hey, I love you so much. And I'm no, don't say I love you so much. Oh my God. What? Just say, I appreciate that we have been able to find such an amicable balance of breaking up and not yelling and screaming and fighting. And I know there's such love there for each other. But I do think maybe it's healthier if we're not as active in the way that we talk. It doesn't mean we can't ever talk. If you want to text me and something's going on, of course text me. But like, I think you need to trim down the regularity of having this person in your life, because there's no fucking way then that if you're going to put yourself in these positions that you're like full 100 % single because you have your safety net right behind you.

25:17And I know it's really hard, but like I have found and I remember this one guy that I was talking to that was like always that guy that I would go back to when I actually cut things off with him and I stopped using him as in the back of my head like, oh, whatever, like I can just go back to him. it then kind of raised the stakes for me and it made me more present on dates and it made me more picky and it made me feel more empowered of like shit like no I actually don't want to go on a date a second date with that guy not because I'm going to go run back to my ex but because I sat by myself for the rest of the weekend and I thought a lot about how he made me feel and what that conversation made me feel as opposed to I'm sure there's some fucking nights where you finish a date and you're like running back to your ex and being like oh do you want to like cuddle and watch a movie tonight it's not healthy it's not making you feel the highs and lows of actually being single and I know it's it doesn't feel that way in the moment to all the single daddy gang out there but I'm telling you like some of the best parts of being single are the really really low moments when you are crying when you're finally realizing like fuck I'm gonna start writing in a journal because I have so many emotions pouring out of me and I like cannot handle the weight of this emotional roller coaster and I'm so exhausted and I'm so sick of meeting these people that don't fulfill me and I'm so anxious of watching around me my friends find their person and I haven't found my person like those are the moments I really felt like I found strength within myself and I found that I was able to rely on myself more.

26:53And like, there's no doubt, like it's life. Going through hardships makes you see things in a better perspective. Like you're just, not that I want you guys to fucking suffer, daddy gang, but you know what I mean? Like if you just go along and you don't have any awkward dates or you don't have any, because you get to just what, run back to homeboy, it's not gonna be as impactful for you as an individual. Jewel, you need to go on this journey alone. And if you end up back with him, if after a year of doing this, you miss him and you want to go back, then go back. But let yourself be free and let yourself actually throw yourself into the deep end of being single.

27:32And don't rely on anyone to catch you because you need to, even if you fail, you want to catch yourself. You want to cry by yourself after these dates. Because like I'm telling you, I can so see it. Sometimes when I I would go on really awful dates in New York and I would call the guy that is like my would be my safety net. I would instead of crying, I would get home. I would quickly make like a late night snack after drinks and I would go into my bedroom and I would FaceTime him. And instead of crying and sitting with my feelings, I would go to my safety net and then he would make me smile and we would talk and I would forget about the date that I had.

28:06And it's like, no, sometimes you need to feel that pit in your stomach. Sometimes you need to feel so low when you're single. that is when you gain the best fucking relationship with yourself um and I also think that it gives you a false sense of your relationship with your ex all of a sudden he is becoming the savior love you but like there's a reason you ended it with him there are clearly things missing in that relationship that you're craving and you're looking for through other people so you also need to give yourself and your ex a chance to know like is that the love of your life and are you going to go back to him?

28:43The only way you're going to find that out is if you in a moment go cold turkey and experience other people and then you can recognize, you know, he is my person, but he's going to start to look like fucking Prince Charming every time you go on a date with a dick and Brian's like, oh wow, your tits look amazing. Or like, oh yeah, are you going to split the split the bill with me even though I asked you on the fucking date? Or oh yeah, you can get a fucking Uber home and he like drives himself home. Like, you know what I mean? It's like little things like that. Then your safety net is going to make you feel less upset about it.

29:10Um, so yeah, I get it. It's hard, but I think some of the hardest moments are when you end amicably with an ex. There's nothing more confusing and conflicting than ending with something with someone that you love. But sometimes it's better when you get hurt and fucked over because you're like, it's a clean break. I would give yourself the clean break so that you can move on and that you can actually give yourself a chance. because what I feel like most of the time happens, and I know people hate to hear this, when you actually end something fully with that ex and you give yourself a chance to go out and date, sad reality is you're probably not gonna go back to that person.

29:49And I know people watching, you may be like, no, we ended up getting back together in my high school. I feel like that's pretty rare and I feel like it's so cute and it's such a good story, but I think when you meet people at a young age, you're such a different person. So give yourself that chance. You're clearly someone that's not wanting to stay with that high school sweetheart or college sweetheart. You are yearning for something different. Lean into it. Don't ever fucking do something half ass. Like nothing ever good comes out of doing something half in. Either you're all in or you're all out.

30:19And so I hope that gives you a little bit of motivation to get out there and explore and have fun and don't be too hard on yourself. So I love you, daddy gang. I hope this was helpful. And, you know, you don't need to bleach your asshole to be beautiful. So I hope this was helpful, Daddy Gang. I love you so much. This was so fun. Honestly, Sunday sessions, they just hit right, you know. I'm also building a new Sunday sessions studio. I'm currently in like one of the rooms in my house, but I'm really, really excited. I hope in a couple weeks it will be done so I can show it to you guys. I just love, I just love things looking gorgeous, gorgeous for the girls.