Cara Delevingne: Sobriety, Sexuality & Self-Love

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56:24I think that, you know, you're talking about having like externally all these crazy levels of success, right? And you have said before, and I think this quote is really profound, you said, if you have problems going into this industry, they will only get magnified and exacerbated. How did your career heighten all of these wounds from childhood for you? Access to excess, so money, you know, and my dad was pretty smart with me when I left school, because he was like, I'm not going to give you money. You know, you can't, I'm not going to fund whatever they thought or maybe didn't think. I remember when I had a mental breakdown, I told them I'd been smoking weed.

57:08Like they didn't know I was doing drugs, but either way, they didn't cut me off. I still lived at home, but they weren't like, you know, they were smart about that. But then I had my own fucking money. I could do whatever I wanted. And I knew where to get all the drugs and all the things. And I also was in a friendship group but they none of my friends have money so I was just like let's go let's fucking go like this is gonna be so fun and at that point you know we're like it's gonna be entourage we're all gonna lift you know love that I also can't help but think like you're in the middle of trying to figure yourself out because we talked about like high school you're repressing you're kind of using so you can just be like I can't handle this I don't know what's going on you get thrown into fame and like you've talked about and I've talked about with a lot of people like there is no way to describe it but it's hard to not just black out and you can look back on it but when you're in it you just have to survive and go go go and so you're trying to figure yourself out you have all this attention on you how is this impacting your dating life and like you said that victoria secret moment you hadn't come out yet you hadn't you know explored your sexuality fully yeah tell me about that well also back to what you just said before as well i it's also an identity thing and I think when you come from being like what feels like a kind of traumatized child not to be dramatic about it to then a suicidal druggy teenager to then being a model that you're not but you're pretending to be so many things for people you actually I'm like who the hell I haven't process any of this yet.

58:48This is all a mess. And I'm, none of these things or all of them, I really felt like such a shell at that point. And a real like, I remember writing a lot about how I just was a mirror of everyone I'd ever met and there was nothing underneath it. I was just an empty vessel, not to be depressing about it, but especially with dating. Oh my God. I,

59:15I oh yeah it's rough because again I didn't want to be gay I really wanted to fit in with people in like I didn't know many gay I didn't know any gay people I definitely wasn't straight but I really like and especially in something you've been so incredible and talking about like I never knew how to ask for what I wanted and it was very much a performative thing that I would be like whatever this guy and to the point where it's like you know whether it's sexual assault or it's like to the point where you're just like oh I'm just abusing myself to to to basically make someone happy if you want to have sex with me I should feel lucky for that.

1:00:02Like that kind of thing. Horrible. But then, you know, I discovered more about my sexuality through sleeping with my friends because there was a safety in that. That also didn't mean we were gay. You know, we all had boyfriends, but whatever, you know, whatever happens when the lights go off, that doesn't really mean anything. But then I started to look back on when I was a kid and I was like, I always had this thing where with like friends of mine, I just think I cared about them more than they cared about me. But then I also realized that any man I'd ever been with, I feel very bad for these men because they'd always, I think I'd play such a role of this cool girl who loved to play video games and would let them flirt with people, but was just like so cool and chill that they would fall in love with me.

1:00:56But I was so pretending to be something I wasn't. And I just felt, I felt, I feel any man that I hurt, I feel really bad because I did take these actually very nice guys for a ride because I didn't know. And I also, I was quite hurt by one guy specifically who took my virginity. And I was like after this i'm going to hurt all of you it's so rude and mean but i do think it's like you yes you can be like okay i'm sorry boys but i also think in the grand scheme of what you were trying they didn't also want me even when i tried to speak about maybe my sexuality being exactly different they were like no no it's not i'll show you that kind of stuff it was very much like but that was so back in the day that was also so men where you're like no you can't show me shit you don't have a vagina okay so fuck off and they're like oh i'll show you and my clit is here i'm not here oh wow cara okay that makes i think the um so many women regardless of you know what they're dealing with i do think that's a really relatable thing of just going through that period as a young woman of being like is this validation should i just feel good in this and should i not ask for more and if he's treating me like this like I can look past it because at least someone wants me and someone is you know giving me attention and so then you when you said something about validation and it helping me in my head it really did because it helped my ego it helped my ego in the sense I was like maybe I am pretty but it didn't come from inside I think something that I really had to learn is that I really believe that we all have everything we need inside of us and I was so externally reaching for anything that like I just was empty and so you really have to like grow that garden in yourself I guess you do and from you know like then experimenting with your friends like do you remember when you finally realized like okay I think it's women for me immediately deep down immediately but I couldn't my brain was not computing that it was not happening like absolutely not but my body was like oh this is where I feel safe oh and then my heart I couldn't control like I always felt like I was in control with men like I could kind of run around with women I was and it was a nightmare but also I think I hadn't there was still a lot of trauma with the thing of trying to fix people in the abandonment which I think I put into a lot of my relationships for a long time when do you think your mind and your body connected and you were like i have to accept this and um

1:03:44I think when I was in my first real relationship with a woman, and I think I'd never been with someone who was gay either. And, you know, she was 10 years older than me. And I really admired her. But, yeah, I'd never been with someone who was actually gay and not, we're kind of in secrecy and stuff like that. and I was like oh this is this is everything how did you feel with regard to your upbringing and I know you had said like I didn't really have anyone around me who was gay and and I didn't know with my parents or people around me like how how did everyone handle it when you did come out and just say like this is who I am oh uh I didn't come out because that's again a conversation that I didn't know how to have and I I didn't feel like I owed that to anyone either and I think it would be unfortunately different and I think I would have found it a lot harder if I hadn't have been famous or successful because I think you can't really have an opinion too much when that person doesn't need you or is not vying for your I mean of course I always want to make my parents proud but I wasn't like they couldn't stop me and I felt like they would have been able to they would have been able to have an opinion more if I don't know I think that was also just part of the drive of wanting to look after myself and survive on my own and be like I can do and be with whoever I want and I think that's very relatable I think when you are financially or emotionally dependent on people and I think that's why a lot of young kids are so scared to come out because they're like, I still live under their roof.

1:05:37I know what their reaction is probably going to be. And so it's so fear-based because it's not just, you know, coming out and being open about your sexuality, which should be such a beautiful and celebrated thing. There's so many repercussions that can come that actually safety-wise for a lot of people. It's just, it is a privilege, unfortunately, which is so crazy to even have to say to this day. So I see what you're saying where you're like, I had kind of cut those ties in that way of, I made my own money I was this public person so if you don't like me you can go fuck yourself kind of yeah and what a freeing feeling that must have been yeah but also in that point the industry didn't want me to be gay either you know there was why but like that point that point and when I just started acting where like Harvey Weinstein called me it was like you can't be gay it's just stuff like that where I again there were also no real gay models but it's weird because now you're now as I've grown up, there are so many people I went to school with or people I was close with who now are all gay, but we didn't know it at the time, but we were all friends.

1:06:43And you're like, that's just interesting. We all had this thing that we knew. And now everyone, you know, they have wives or girls. And you're like, that's just, it's just crazy at that time. When you were trying to search for relationships, what do you think in those like mid-20s was holding you back the most from happiness? Because I couldn't love, I couldn't receive love and I don't think, I didn't love myself enough to have healthy sexual experimentation in the sense that. I think I had my healthy fair share of sexual experimentation but it was usually fueled by drugs, danger-seeking behavior, situations where I thought oh that's a fantasy I have but I didn't really actually want that you know and I think that came into that thing of just wanting to feel something even if it's bad and even if it's empty and And yeah, and I also think it took, it took until all the Harvey stuff too to really realize that I had been sexually abused and I hate to use the word rape.

1:08:05It just always makes me so sad. But that kind of thing, and I'd put myself in those positions, but never admitted it or wanted to deal with it or made excuses for it, felt bad. But that made so much sense with how I would just let people use me a lot whether that be sexually or in any other way because I felt like that's all I was good for sometimes so can I ask so he called you and and told you you cannot be gay and is this before or after this experience with this man so there was wait it was before it was still when everyone was doing these movies bopping around And, you know, he had his wife who was, you know, in that industry.

1:08:52You know, I've been to dinner with both of them with a bunch of people. You know, he had a wife and kids. He seemed safe, right? And he got my number. I was doing a movie called Face of an Angel in Italy. And he called me up and said, there are images of you. And he named some famous women I'd been seen with. And he was like, I don't need to know. He said, are you sleeping with him or whatever? I was like, I don't really know if that's any of your business. And he was like, well, you can't. You can't be with women. You'll never be an actress. You'll never be hired. People don't want, you know, we'll have to find you a boyfriend.

1:09:33At least if you're going to do that, just do it behind closed doors. And I was like, what the fuck is this? I was, and also at that point, that wasn't my reaction. I was like, oh, fuck. I've always wanted to act like this is such a big deal for me I can't you're terrified this is yeah like he's a big deal in this shit and how did you respond in that moment I don't know I just said I'm not gay I promise you I'm not I I just I'm not seeing a boy right now I really love my female friends and of course I didn't I think even the people he brought up I I don't know I can't remember but yeah I was I was pretty terrified of course because it's a person in a position of power who's literally talking about how you won't work in this industry if you essentially are authentic and true to who you are and so you are just getting re-confirmation of like hide keep suppressing but also at that point like you know and still I I regret not it's not a regret I don't have regrets but every role I played at that point was straight i was the lead and i had a boyfriend and you know i was playing that woman so i mean was he right at that time no but at that point what was i gonna do right and again i think for you cara it was like there's so much pressure of like the victoria's secret moment and this you're like i know what i want but it's like how do i get there like how do i roll this out for myself in a way that won't make other people upset and won't have people trying to hurt me because of me just trying to be honest to myself and that is so complicated and then like you said like you then are in these situations where you're you know you're using and you're trying to suppress and then you're also repressed and it's like whoa I need all this to kind of stop so I can try to get my head on straight I know you have like lightly spoken about your sobriety not a lot yeah yeah a lot and you talked about this earlier too where you've said you tried to match the emotional pain inside with physical pain on the outside since a very young age can you talk more about what that just like looked like for you as you kind of started to get to peak where you were like maybe this is getting a little out of control yeah yeah I think

1:11:56you know as I said when I first started doing drugs it was that seeking for seeking connection and I felt like I found myself you know I was fun and I loved music and I loved dancing and I was like oh this is someone I really like this is really cool it was at a pretty young age I started because I didn't have money at that point I started buying drugs to sell them and to do them. And I remember ketamine was really the first thing that I think, which is a really crazy thing for me now, because I remember when I got sober from that, and that was in my early 20s, that it blew up in America. And it was like this thing to treat depression everywhere.

1:12:44Instagram adverts, billboards, people talking about it. I was like, what? I mean, I knew it numbed me out like a hundred percent, but like a lot of things, people don't realize the danger behind that because how badly are the things you're running away from and how badly when you numb them, they all come flooding back. They don't go away. They don't. So that's when I think when I bought the drugs to sell, I just did them all by myself. Not all of them. I sold half of them, did the rest. So I basically did the drugs for free. Wasn't a great drug dealer. But I definitely, I knew it was bad when I started doing them alone and how much I liked that and how much I knew that people weren't judging me and I didn't judge myself for it.

1:13:36And I could disappear. And that, I knew it was a problem. And that was young. but with work it's not a problem because I'm working I'm making money you know it's you know I would be in a state or I'd definitely be more fucked up than people but I am going to work when you're 20s you can kind of do that a little more but then my body just couldn't take it you know I think I also again I think the kind of suicidal ideation came back around when I was at my height of fame when I should have been the most happy and I felt the most guilty and I felt the most like I didn't deserve any of it and I was so close to ending my life not I mean yeah I was music at that moment really saved me um because a song came on on shuffle when I was alone in this hotel room and it was a song that played at a friend's funeral who died of an overdose and it was a really it was like that's the thing when you're in that position where you can choose to try and end your life or not that it is such a quick flip and in that one moment I was like what am I doing why am I doing this I I can't believe that I am in this place and I threw all the drugs down the toilet and I um so yeah it it had been a problem but when you're successful and when you seem you're doing great you have your hair and makeup done it's kind of fine people make excuses people are making money you're paying for people's lives and jobs and kids you know you don't you don't want to stop you don't want to say no um did you have friends close to you that ever were like Cara yes but also I was good if I say I was good at hiding it people be like no you weren't but if people thought it was bad what they saw they didn't see half of it the damage was really being done alone because that's where no one could stop me.

1:15:53And also I was so good at flitting around different countries and different groups of friends. If I haven't slept for three days, but then I see these group of friends and I'm still, whatever, no one knows how long I haven't slept. No one knows that I've been partying for this long. It's, you can kind of. Yeah, you can get away with it in a way that, but unfortunately for you, it's like, then you also have, you're like, oh, I'm lying. and I'm avoiding. The lying is the worst. It's horrible. It's a secret. It's like, and that just wears away at you so much. And that was also, I didn't realize how many friends I lost, not even lost, but had pushed away because there was nothing no one could do.

1:16:40And I didn't want help. I didn't want people close to me. I didn't want people, you know, I could talk about it when I was high. I'd be like, I know I have a problem. Like, I know it's really bad. but also there's a power in having that because then you seem really self-aware right you're like I'm owning it I know it's bad like I know how bad it is and I had all the answers I'd also been to therapy since I was a kid from stuff that had gone on with my mom so I knew all the chat and like uh-huh you knew how to get around it so people were like oh well if she's this open about it then but really it had also come it seems like you earlier had said like it It was so, I connected with people and it's like, it went from connecting to then isolating and hiding.

1:17:21And that is when, yeah, then no one's really seeing at its worst. I know there were paparazzi photos of you. There were many, by the way, throughout my tenure. I don't know why I just said tenure, but no, obviously the worst ones. The Burning Man. You can say that. Yes, the Burning Man photos. Ultimately, I know they kind of became a wake-up call. Can you talk to me about like just where you were at mentally leading up to that moment? Yeah, I had sworn myself off love. I had been in too many relationships.

1:18:05I don't want to say that I think, you know, when you abuse yourself, you allow abuse to happen, right? That's probably as far as I'll go with that. But I think, yeah, I was done with love and I was in a pretty hardcore time. Again, I'd stopped doing ketamine, but I was, it's really interesting, the drugs that people choose to do and what that means that they're covering up. Alcohol was never really my thing. I would drink, but it wasn't, I didn't like it. I liked like disassociate, knock yourself out things. So I was doing a lot of like GBL, GBH, which is like a date rape drug. which is you're just effectively knocking yourself out and then taking like cocaine or whatever to keep me awake.

1:18:53So it was that kind of like mixture. But I'd met my girlfriend, my current girlfriend, my life partner, who we went to school together. And from the moment that we'd re-met after school, I was like, fuck, you make me feel safe. And that is something I haven't felt. And I am way more terrified of that than I've ever been of love. Because in that even immediate moment, I was like, oh no, I'm starting to realize how bad this is. You don't know how bad it is when you're alone and single, I guess. And I was honest with her from the first get-go. I was like, I have a problem. I take G every day. I'm going to get better.

1:19:39I'm gonna my 30th birthday was that year I was like I've fucking gained it for however long and had a great time and it's just not great anymore but I'm gonna have a blowout 30th birthday and then I'm gonna get sober and it tied up in a neat little bow that I just thought was gonna be really easy um I didn't know how addictive that stuff was I just thought I took it every day I didn't know you really had to like medically detox from it and I started having seizures and that's literally those photos were taken right after I'd had a seizure at Burning Man and I was meant to go to work I mean it was just an absolute storm and also it was just it was so rough and it was right after my birthday so I'd had the 30th which was just me in it was so stupid but I'd rented this amazing house and I'd had all my friends there but they were kind of all there to watch me hurt myself I was so skinny and covered in bruises and I just locked myself in this little tower and would barely come out and that is like but that was what I just I don't know there's something quite traditional in the sense that when I'm like when I make this decision it's going to happen I also just couldn't give up that easily um because then obviously I went straight to Burning man then that happened and I was like I can get sober I'd been to rehab before but I'd focus more on trauma and then I'd kind of dip back into things I was like if I don't you know the one thing I always told myself was because my mom did very heavy drugs I was like if I don't do meth or crack or opiates I'll be fine if you do enough of anything it's just as bad um which is really interesting which is why also I found it I found it important not to talk about what drugs I did but then it's interesting the comments that people make when they're like you know go back and do meth and die and stuff like that when I'm like maybe I should have spoken about it why am I hiding because also I want people I think especially getting sober I didn't see anyone else who did the same drugs I did and I was always like, oh, baby, they do Adderall and alcohol and opiates and I don't, when you find someone who has a similar thing to you, it's like finding like a long lost sibling in a way because you're like, you're running from a similar thing.

1:22:09There's a similar torsion there. There's a similar, the battle of it feels the same. So I felt it was necessary to talk about it today, I think. Yeah. Which I'd never done before. Well, I really respect that too, Cara. But the fact that I was, people always thought, I was on such crazy drugs. I was like, a lot of those times though, I was so manic. And also I'm a super hyperactive person. I don't drink coffee and I am just, it's a lot. How does it feel to say it out loud? Nice. Nice. And I'm sweating though, for sure. But it's nice. I don't. Is it like a relief? My whole thing is, again, with this stuff, people are going to take clips of what they want and that's always going to be what it is but I don't I've made peace with it and if I can help people anyone can say whatever they want I know what I've done I'm happy with who I am I don't have any regrets I love myself I've stopped hurting myself I do sometimes still in ways that I like again like dangerous you can behave or push myself too hard to work out it comes out in other ways but also to me sobriety is not so linear like 12 step really helped me but that's not what's been my saving grace and I think

1:23:35yeah I think the whole thing of sobriety and the shame and the guilt surrounding it I found really difficult I can imagine that I want to because I want to ask you about that but also validating you in like so much of what you were going through for so long you were saying you were hiding and there was a secrecy element and there was this rationalizing you're talking about in your head of like well i'm not doing what my mom was doing so i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine right and then it's almost like naming it allows you to own it in a sense and be like there that is that is what it was and i'm not hiding from it at all i'm not hiding anymore and i'm not going to hide from it because there is also no shame and like you're sitting here today and you're right it really could help someone who's sitting there being like oh my god i never thought that that could be addictive and i've been doing it too and maybe i need to look at myself whatever it is or it's just for yourself that you're able to fucking say it and move forward with your life in a way that's not shame and holding it back um i think that's really beautiful yeah but getting sober um also the element of being so public like I can't help but think these videos and these photos come out in one of your worst I always laugh and I don't know why I do that and I apologize it's because it's so outrageous I was wearing a Britney Spears t-shirt not that that means anything but like it's it's so but also like I'd seen that person I know that girl so well I had to look at her every day in the mirror so when everyone asked her I was like oh oh that's scary to people oh shit I see so you it wasn't even you're like oh those are pictures of me and then did I mean I realized it was bad but oh it was horrible the shame oh the shame was really bad again that was that part of myself that I hated and I was hiding from everyone so for everyone to see it it was like fuck the jig's up that still that person is still a part of me though once you get sober that that girl isn't gone she's here she's pretty mean to me sometimes but I made friends with her and she makes me want to be better and god she's a stubborn bitch sometimes but my god yeah I mean you have to make friends with that part of yourself so much of your the songs and the album is like is talking about this part of your life yes and never ending inspiration can you talk though because you just said like you know it wasn't this 12-step program for you like what was that process for you like of getting sober and what really helped you there's a narrative right about addiction addiction that is uh you know abstinence is the most important thing and it's very rigid I don't do well with that but they also will tell you you know addicts always think they're different.

1:26:46You're always going to think you are the one that's going to cheat the system and da-da-da-da. For sure, I feel that way. I know it's not healthy. I know I have to combat that sometimes. But I also know that that system for me hadn't worked in the past. It didn't, there's a part of it where like, you know, whether it's, oh, I've decided to, I'm going to try and microdose a mushroom, right? In previous iterations of sobriety, that would take me down. That, my count has gone back to zero again. I'm not sober. I can't call myself a sober person. Then that cycle of guilt and shame, oh, I'm done now.

1:27:29I'm not sober. So now I'm fucked up and now I'm going to do drugs was so strong and such a pull that I also like in my head when I'm told I can't do something, when I have the option to go, I could go have a beer, but I choose not to, the power I have in that is something I would never realize I could get. And like, I love people doing drugs. Not, that sounds like a crazy thing, but I love the culture. I love music. I love festivals. I loved that part of going into a bathroom with loads of people and talking. So I still love doing that. I just don't do the drugs because they don't work for me.

1:28:10But I, the whole thing of like, you cannot do anything because this will happen in this. It was too, I would prefer to, I don't feel like they're mistakes, but I would prefer to toe a line of, I'm not trying to walk an edge. I'm never trying to go back to what I was doing. my priority is clarity sobriety to the utmost and loving myself and so I never want to go back to that place but I also think just pretending it doesn't exist and never seeing it never doing it isn't how I get there giving yourself some grace yeah Yeah.

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1:31:17And I say it every day. I'm like, I've got to stop. I forget a lot apparently. Well, it's good because you named your song that. Yeah, it's ideal. And now you'll never forget. Never. Never, never. You describe how jarring it can be to experience daily life while now sober. what were some of the first things you noticed and had to kind of confront as you really started to wean off what you had been using oh I was just so fragile I was so fragile and I you know another another point was that I I first started talking about me getting sober for American Vogue when I was in rehab and having that conversation and being like I'm gonna be sober now this is what I'm doing and I'm gonna do a folk cover and now I'm gonna talk about it I was still what I felt like was that I was a baby I you I feel like a newborn child but who can technically talk and walk and feed themselves I guess and hopefully change your underwear but you don't you are not fully formed your brain is like oh yeah a lot again I don't when I was I wrote a lot of that stuff and poetry a lot more of it was so intense when I was using so it wasn't as extreme but you're just a raw nerve and that's what that song is about I don't feel that way anymore thank god but I still relate to it and I love that song because for me it's that thing of like that softness of a phrase and then the whiplash of absolute distortion like being slapped around the face with a sonic boom and that's what it felt like being in my head and in my body and when you talked about like your head and your body syncing up again it's like my my body and my head started to talk again but that's what the different sounds were happening it was just like that's what you said in that vogue piece you said i hadn't uncovered the fucking hole inside the real whirlpool within now as you are that because that was in 2023 and you're like i was basically a baby deer walking around being like guys i know i'm saying i'm sober but like this is bambi all night with the feet and fucking spread over we're trying here um now it's like what have you found inside of you that had been repressed and waiting to be uncovered of all of these wounds of childhood and repression and then you just get famous so you don't have time to think about it like has anything come up recently that you're like i've now been able to kind of tackle this that is the first question i'm like i it's a really interesting question in the sense that you mean like tackling things uh that happened or that happen now or that things i've learned about myself anything anything that you're like oh my god i realized from childhood because i was never able to feel the way that i da da da da or when i was using i felt this anger straight back to anger and where does the anger come from I have a pit of anger in me because I never expressed it and I think yeah when you grow up loving someone who is sick and you can't help them and you would die to save them and there's no reason for it you have no one to blame you can't really blame them you try doesn't work you just hate yourself because they're sick there is this fucking anger that you have that you're just angry against the world and but then also angry at yourself for feeling angry because you're like there are so many people with so much worse shit in this world how do i feel that it's just it's that that cyclical thing but anger is a secondary emotion but i also well so what's underneath the anger cara oh i don't know i I really love anger and my relationship with it now.

1:35:29It is a secondary emotion, but I also think for me, it's like a fire. I need it to come out. It doesn't have to be anyone, but it has to come out in a healthy way. Otherwise I hurt myself. That's it. So there isn't, and look, I cry. I would feel as much as I can, but there is something, I can't describe it. And it feels like whatever stuff I had to deal with after I was coming off of drugs, I would black out with like a physical trauma thing. And it came from this, I can't describe it. You just see red or black and slide and I would wake up on another side of a room. And it just comes from this like, this repressed thing.

1:36:20And I think that's what the anger is. it's just the repression of so long of it's just that but with that comes so much creativity and fire and for this album too like I feel like I can be angry and funny and sexy in a way that I like not in like a way for anyone else and every emotion that I was scared of I now see as like an amazing gift and I never had that I was so scared of feeling well I think that's well yeah and it's like you're making space for all these different emotions that like you also weren't able to feel while you were using and I I wrote that down the other single obviously out of my head which is great I love it it talks about these intrusive thoughts and dissociation.

1:37:21And now having, you know, been living in your sobriety, how are you managing these emotions on a daily basis? Like, what have you been able to process after coming out of that kind of dissociating? That song's really interesting because it was based on the idea of being at dinner with a family. Not mine specifically, but maybe. But But being at a dinner with people and everyone's talking, but no one's saying the truth of what's really going on underneath. And originally the song was called Talking Heads because everyone's just chatting and no one's really fucking saying it. And that song, for me, it was funny because changing it to Out of My Head is something I constantly am trying to do is get out of my head and into my body.

1:38:11But people can take it as I want to get fucked, which I just like the dichotomy of that. because I also don't want this album to be like this is a sober album and people have to listen to I really have to understand like I really it's really interesting when I played it to people because people think it's about something completely different which I love that part about music how do I deal with it every day it's really hard sometimes this period of time the last couple of weeks have been a lot harder than I've realized uh like I guess with rehearsals starting but then going to the Met and Cannes and everything else and feeling like this music coming out and this live shows is the most important thing that's ever happened in my life and I am someone and I used to be someone that used to go well this thing is my next goal but then that needs to happen and then there's never enough I I don't I don't want to say I could die happy but it is everything has led me to this point and when I've done other things like movies or cabaret on the west end or something there's other pressure on other people to make it good so there's less pressure on you because you're like everyone needs a show to be good so it's going to be good it felt like it was way more on me or I was putting it on me because no one else is gonna be like it needs I mean they are but in the sense that I'm like no it's you it's you I'm doing this and I'm choosing to do this to myself and I'm driving myself crazy because the pressure I can put on myself is sometimes unmanageable so yeah I mean it takes a strain on on my relationship on like you know my incredible girlfriend has been so supportive through this I wouldn't have been able to do this without her this whole process she's a musician I was so scared about what her reaction was going to be what was it she was so incredible about it I cried it was so soon after I got out of rehab and I remember every day I prayed I prayed to create something with this pain and to have the clarity and the confidence and the awareness and all of it to be able to make something from it and I didn't want to name what it was but I was like what else would it be like what else would it be I write all this stuff I've done music my whole life this is not new for me this is always something I believed I was going to do when I was older I just knew I couldn't do it until I had gotten to this place of belief and self-love um but I remember crying to her in the shower and being like I don't I don't know what to do but I have to do music and I don't know what you're gonna say and I think in previous relationships I'd had a thing of whether it be competitiveness or you know some people may not take that well if that's their job or whatever and especially because in in so much of the sense like and I'm sure many people will say this I've had a leg up this is I'm not starting from scratch in terms of music people are going to listen to this they might listen to it because they want to hate it fair enough but people are going to have eyes on it more that may be a gift but it also might be a curse but in that sense I'm starting with a head start and I never wanted to do this unless I thought it was incredible and I hate saying that because I'm really not someone that believes in like or feels proud of myself but I really needed it to so that if anyone brought this out it didn't matter that it would still be good and people would love it well that's what it was so interesting I was reading all these different quotes you had once said this is your biggest fear and your greatest love you also said you were scared to explore music for a long time because you cared too much what other people would think yeah and now obviously we're hearing that progression of you now have gotten to a place where like well it is fucking perfect and I'm happy with it so you better it's not perfect but it's no way oh trust me there are notes I still there's so many things I would change but how long did you work on this directly as soon as I got sober I said to my team at the time I have to get in the studio and they were like sure but like how so many people are like you really have to want to do this and I'm like I get it I really need to I don't know what it's going to be yet you know I've had many iterations of doing music and being in the studio but again I would mold myself into whoever the producer wanted me to be and I was like oh my god I can do that or this and it just never felt right so I just started from the get-go and in that first week of sessions every single one of those songs is on this album that first week was so like the first song is the mask which will come out and then I don't know it every day was one of these songs and they were really heavy those first group of songs were really heavy and over that period of time I was like I was finding the joy in it I was finding my voice in it I was trusting my creative instinct more I don't know it's definitely not perfect but it I couldn't I don't know I didn't I won't want to change it now I know how my head is and I could have worked on it forever of course but yeah it's been basically since then and I think doing cabaret really helped you know I never I performed live before but really singing no help with a mic every night moving around and really like there's no hiding in that play there's no soft like pop star like like timbre to your voice you are fucking belting and screaming and crying and hitting yourself and I was like oh I can I can I can be that nuts but I can do this for myself like that's rad I also am thinking about you sharing this first yes with your girlfriend and then did you do like a listening party for friends and no no no no Cara so like has Margot Robbie heard it yet no yes what no Margot's had some people have heard listen I'm not uh until things are done as well okay I also like my girlfriend's incredible because she's fucking honest with me and so I'd come back and be like look how good this is and she was like so I was scared I was scared but I needed that from her because also when she would say something I would go no no actually I like how it goes into like a weird time signature and bends and sounds like you're being slapped slapped around the head with a distortion but yeah it helped in that sense I've played songs to people.

1:44:55I've sent people a video. Oh my God. But everyone says something so similar, which is it's just so you, but I didn't expect what that would be. That's exactly what I said to you. I know, I remember what you said, but also that is literally what everyone says. And it's really, that is as an artist, as I still find it hard to say sometimes, as a musician, it is one of the nicest things you can hear. Because I don't, I said that to you. I was like, I don't know, like, what should Cara Delevingne sound like? Because we know your personality. Yeah. But I had no concept of how that would translate into music.

1:45:32And I remember pressing play and being like, huh, this is incredible. And you like take us on a ride that it was so unpredictable and yet so now in hindsight predictable to who you are that it all makes sense. But it was so unexpected in the best way. because again we had nothing to pull from we had no no no okay so we have two singles i forgot and out of my head they'll be coming out then i heard that maybe you're down to give us a little sneak peek yeah of another song yeah just play us a little something yeah Can you give us any context? Yeah, context.

1:46:18Yeah, it's about my girlfriend. She is one of the most, she hates grand gestures. I'm definitely one of those people like, write a song about me. Oh my God, I would love, like we're very different in that sense. So I wanted to piss her off in a cute way by writing her love song. and but it's also like sorry but this is a love song you know it's like apologizing for the fact that like i can't help it i love you so much when did you first show it to her what was her reaction oh my god that's such a good point i don't remember because it was so the original iteration was not good enough yet and i knew if i had to play that to her like that would be the first thing especially if that song wasn't good enough that she'd be like you can't i'm so sorry you can't put that out so i really it took me a while babe this is like a disgrace to our relationship Like, don't do it.

1:47:08Like, please. I'm like, God damn it. And especially because she, the worst part is she's like an incredible guitarist. Like, I could listen to her play guitar and sing forever. But in this, I've played guitar forever. I'm not, I'm fine. I'm fine at best. Listen, I'm still getting better. But like, I've decided in the show that I'm going to like shred a guitar solo, which again, the pressure, when we went to school together, she's like just the pressure of playing her any of this music or playing in front of her oh my god when she is like a phenom of a guitarist makes me want to die a little bit cry cry but she supports this song she really does she loves it and that's all that matters okay play us a snippet come on no but also i can't help it i love her and she's gonna have to deal with it no it's all been so sweet yeah i know we're not asking about techniques today you know why not i thought that's what i it was it for sex education girls let's go

1:48:21i love you saying i'm sorry this is a love song you're like hi babe sorry i'm sorry cara it's definitely the more poppy one but that's the thing about that is like all the other songs are quite heavy and about abusive relationships or whatever and that song i was like oh let's just go have fun yeah joy rad love love it's so fun and i love that you did that for her where you're like you have no choice i'm sorry i'm i'm writing you a love song take it or leave it but it's gonna be in the album yeah it's so incredible and i'm so excited for you i can feel your like genuine passion and i feel like you're right like we've seen you do so many different things obviously throughout your career but this to see how you talked about obviously modeling and you're so grateful for everything it gave you but the amount that you are passionate about music I think hearing your whole life story it's like you've been kind of waiting to find you and your thing and it feels like that is this which is really beautiful it's like a perfect little crossroads because also the music industry is not easy.

1:49:30You have to really want to do it. And I really, I, again, kind of like writing that song. I didn't have, I don't have a choice. Like it is where my heart is. It is where my head is. I can't, there is nothing else I can do right now. I don't know how to describe that. And you're about to go on stage tonight. Yeah. Are you? No, don't. No. I have to transition into like, it's freaking me out. But yeah, no, it's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. You're going to be completely fine. It's funny because the show is called Getting My Shit Together. And so. You're just getting your shit together.

1:50:01But also I was like, I'm not going to invite anyone I know. And I've invited people. Everyone that you know. And now I'm like, what am I doing? Because it's harder to do things in front of people you know. Yeah. Like if you were playing that song in front of like a bunch of, I'm a random, right? I'm already nervous. I'm playing that song just now. No. And I'm not even singing. I'm saying it. No, but because now we know each other more. But like if you're playing it for random, you're like, take it or leave it. Yeah. The people you're friends with, you're like, don't look at me in the eyes. No, don't.

1:50:24I played it to two of my friends, two of my like oldest friends. Well, my oldest friend and her girlfriend. Her fiance, I should say. But it was just two of them in the studio and the lights are pitch black and all like, I couldn't even look at them. I couldn't open my eyes. And I look over and my friend's just sobbing and my friend doesn't cry. And I was like, oh my God, that makes it even worse. What am I meant to do? Cara. Oh God. It's, you're going to be amazing. You're going to be so amazing. This album is going to be amazing. I can't wait for you. I'm so excited for you. I think so much of what you've gone through in your life, it's really inspiring to see how you are sitting here today and what you have done with every aspect of your life and your career and how you've kind of like molded all together to make it be your purpose.

1:51:08Essentially, it's really, really inspiring. And I think so many people are going to love your story. They're going to love music and they're going to love the music video. We got budget, baby. girl we got budget girl we got budget persuasion i had to do on that one um no seriously thank you so much and i also just wanted to say thank you i really love what you do and what you stand for i think it's incredible so to be on here and talking about this was a very big deal i was honestly more nervous about this than i was about doing the show tonight but i also love the fact that finally coming and talking to you now feels like the right time and also for anyone who feels stuck in their life like I'm not saying sobriety is for everyone but what it did for me obviously I had definitely had more of a problem than most people do but what it can do just because the society we live in we are so filled with so much information and pain and so aware of what's going on in the world that escaping and numbing is so easy and so whether people have a problem or not escaping is always a problem so to be able to get sober with your friends even if it is for a period of time or whatever is never a bad thing but it also doesn't have to be perfect and also any sort of creative endeavor or any endeavor that makes you uncomfortable will always allow you to grow and if you are ever stagnant just keep moving in that sense so oh girl wide mouth done done um thank you so much for thank you daddy

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