Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments

31:54Yeah. And then you're just like, maybe it's easier just to fuck it. Because it can be quick. The fucking? Yeah. Well, hopefully in that case. But no, if I'm grossed out, I will. You're out. I'm bouncing. What is the best one night stand you've ever had? So many. I mean, I had so many fun one night stands in my 20s and 30s. Oh. That's the best one? That's really hard. It's okay. I once had sex with this guy. What was his name? I like to be able to call people out with their first and last names, which is going to be hard for this because I don't even remember his first name. But I once had sex.

32:32I don't know if this was the best. Yeah. But it was sexy. Ooh. And it wasn't a one night stand. It went on for like a week, but it was like a one night thing. I was at the London Olympics in 2012, I believe. And I was staying with my, a couple of gay friends of mine had a house. And I was walking home late one night or I was being driven home and I was walking down the street to their house. and this really sexy British guy, we just locked eyes. And it was like sex, you know what I mean? And I was like, it's something you would see in a movie. And I was like, I'm in London. This was an impromptu trip.

33:10I'm like, what if I just had an affair with this guy? And I walked past him and I stopped and I turned around and he had stopped. And it was late at night, like this was dangerous, you know, it could have been. And it was late at night. and he said, would you like to come back to my place? And that was the first thing he said. The eye look that we had was so intense that I was like, yes. And we went back to his house. I mean, we barely spoke. I went over there every night after the Olympics for a week, had a full-on affair with this guy. I don't even know if I know his last name. Or his first, clearly.

33:48Or his first. And we had this incredible, It was just like, like just chemistry, but not a lot of like getting to know each other. It was just purely sexual. And then I'd be like, okay, I'm going to the Olympics tomorrow. Like, and he's like, are you going to come back tomorrow night? I'm like, yes, definitely. And then I'd get home at like 10. I'd be like, I'm coming over. And he'd be like, great. And we have a couple of drinks and then we'd have crazy sex. And then I'd go back to the friends and the friends whose house I was staying at, I never even told them what was going on. And I don't know why, because I don't, I was just felt so steamy and like sexy.

34:22And I wanted to keep it to myself. You know what I mean? I think that's how people feel with an actual affair, sadly. But you weren't cheating on your husband. You were just having a fling. No, but I would cheat on my husband. You know what I mean? Like I definitely would. That's why I'm not married. Can I ask, you've talked about how sex has gotten better as you've gotten older. What has gotten better? Sex, I mean, this isn't kind of a boring thing to say, but you're just more into your body and being pleased and asking for what you want. Yeah. And you don't care about your cellulite. You don't care about the way that you look or if they see you in overhead lighting.

34:57I don't care what I look like on top of you or underneath you. I'm hot. I know it. So like, you're lucky to be fucking me. And that's what makes it sexy. Every woman needs to clip that from themselves when they're about to go out on a date night. We'll make that a TikTok because it is very inspiring when you just said that. Like it seems simple, but then I get it. When I think back to when I was having sex in college, I was like thinking of everything but actually enjoying myself. Absolutely, and I hate that. I hate that women feel that way. And we talk about it all the time. I know you talk about it on this all the time.

35:31Women don't ask for what they want. They don't even orgasm. You don't even orgasm half the time because you're just worried about pleasing men or you're not being confident about asking for what you want. So I mean, that's totally true. as you get older, you're just like, this is what I want. Can you provide it? You know, these are the rules and this is what's going to happen. Let's talk about your love life. Okay. Are you seeing anybody right now?

35:59Tell me everything. Spill the tea. I've been down that road before with having a public relationship. My last relationship. No, it's not that. It's more out of respect for their privacy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want him to have to be exposed to my world. No, we don't need to know anything about him. But tell me about you. Like, when did you meet him? Like, how are you feeling? I met him a long time ago, but we didn't really become like lovers until like about six or seven months ago. How does that happen? Because I feel like so many people know people that they would like to have sex with.

36:34But then if you didn't do it immediately, it's like, how did you bridge the gap? Did you initiate? Did he initiate? I invited him to Mallorca on a trip with a group of friends. Everyone's getting invited but me. Yeah, I know. Almost. Now that we're talking about it, it's almost like everyone has been except for you. I invited him on. I've known him for years. I've always been attracted to him, but he was not available. And I always have wanted someone like him in my life. Okay. He's hot. He's awesome. He's sweet and so caring and completely sees me and understands that I am not available a lot.

37:09Yep. You know what I mean? My life is pretty crazy and he appreciates that. And he's around when I want him to be. And he's great. I mean, listen, I go through periods where I have multiple lovers and that's kind of like what I wanted to do when I was a little girl. I wanted to grow up and be a woman that did have multiple lovers. I've never been interested in marriage. I'm not interested in long-term commitments to work, to people, to anything. I am a free spirit and I want to remain and soar like an eagle. The mic didn't just hit. She's like, I'm in the sky. I want to soar like an eagle with my heart and legs wide open.

37:57um no I've I've had I I love men listen I love men you know what I mean and I want to have adventures with lots of them and and I try to make sure everybody knows that's where I'm coming from when I'm in a relationship or any sort of you know what I mean I'm very upfront I'm not a liar you're direct I'm just like listen this is the deal do you want in okay let's pretend you're not dating someone okay and I'm going to describe a man for you and you're going to let me know if you would date him. Okay. Yeah, take a little sip. Okay. Mix the alcohol with the Vicodin. Let's see if it gets weirder. Okay, no.

38:32I hope my doctors are listening to this. Is it going to be a problem that you're getting surgery tomorrow and you're drinking? No, they told me not to eat today, that I have to be on a liquid diet. But do you think they meant liquid by like alcohol? No, I don't think they meant that. But they know what, listen, my doctors understand who they're dealing with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the time I'm correcting them. Okay. he's rich and successful but only flies economy to save money and not like first class like back of the plane okay am i interested in him yeah i mean i'm not interested in flying with him but i'm interested in him yes i like that i do too but i'm not flying economy with him totally love that he's built like jason momoa but he's scared of your dogs not not no no i don't like men that are scared of dogs.

39:18I agree. It's one of the bigger red flags. Why? What happened to you? Were you attacked by a wolf? Like if you are scared of dogs, something is wrong with you. And I don't appreciate that at all. And your dogs are adorable. Unless you were attacked by a dog. Yes. And you're a woman. Period. He's been healed through therapy, but he refuses to go down on you. No. No. I love when guys go down on me. Is it like a hard thing for you if they're horrible? Do you teach or you just get rid of them? Going down on you? Yeah, just like, ah. Oh. I mean, that going down on you could work because that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point.

40:02But you can pretty much, I mean, in a position where a man is going down on you, You have most likely your hands on their head, directing them exactly where to go. But if someone kisses me in a sloppy, gross way, that is unrecoverable. I agree. A bad kiss makeout is... It's kind of unforgivable. Yeah. You can't kind of come back from that. I agree. Okay, he makes you laugh harder than anyone, but he hates that you're funnier than him. I don't mind that. You don't? No. A little competition. I don't care if somebody hates that I'm... That's not my problem. That's their problem. Okay, he's your best friend.

40:39Again, great line of questioning, Alex. Thank you. These are great questions. Thank you. It's really sparking a debate. He's your best friend, but his best friend is his mom. He's my best friend? I don't want him to be my best friend, first of all. So that's already a cancel. I don't need a guy, my lover, to be my best friend. That's stupid. I love how that wasn't like the problem. No, that wasn't even the question, but I'll just cut you off. Okay, have you ever fucked a mama's boy? No, that's not my thing. Really? No. I mean, you have to respect your mother, but not a mama's boy. I find that to be, yeah, like the same way like a daddy's girl.

41:17Like, come on, we're all adults here. Grow up. You've never been a daddy's girl? I mean, maybe I was a dad. No, not really. My dad wasn't that impressed with me, and I wasn't that impressed with him, quite frankly. I thought you were just going to say my dad wasn't that impressive. I was going to say my dad wasn't that attractive. I never wanted to fuck my dad. I wasn't that attractive to my father.

41:44We're not interested in fucking our dads over here. That's a fabulous answer. Thank you. Okay, he's tall, dark, and handsome, but his whole Instagram is selfies. No, no, no. Oh. I mean, I've definitely met guys on Raya where that is the case, and then I've definitely had sex with guys like that. I don't know about dating guys like that. I mean, selfies, not really. Yeah, like imagine you walk into your bathroom and he's like shirtless taking a picture. No, no, no, no, no, you're right. Selfies, no, actually, when I think about it. You being on Raya at a point in your life, have you ever fucked a DJ?

42:21DJ Diplo, is that who you're talking about? Not specifically Diplo, but if you fucked Diplo. No, because I didn't fuck him, no. Oh, okay, good. I wanted to, I wanted to. I did a segment with him once on my Netflix show and I was like, he's hot. and then you know he's not that hot to me anymore but um a dj no i've never fucked a dj not that i'm aware of that is very good to clarify i feel like i could see you fuck a dj me too i could yeah yeah like you're on lsd you're bumping yeah but i don't yeah i'm not really good at dancing either so dancing and singing are the two things that's what i really appreciate about wicked is that they could dance and sing.

42:59I'm always amazed by people who can do that. Like Zoe Zaldana and Amelia Perez. I didn't know she could dance and sing. I was having this debate with someone the other day though. Would you rather be really good at singing or be funny? I would rather be funny. Yeah. Not that that's, you know, they're not great. I'm just saying like, I'm basically trying to hype you up in the process. It's okay that you're basically so fucking awful at these things. You're funny. So take it or leave it. Yeah. You can't have it all. And this one lasts kind of forever. Anyways, now that we're comparing. Okay, you've been on your healthy therapy journey, I feel like.

43:32But before that, what was your most toxic trait in a relationship? Like, give me tangible. I know you're a fucking eagle with your leg spread, but what were you really toxic with? I think certain people bring out toxicity. You know what I mean? Like, certain dynamics are toxic. So, like, you don't belong with certain people because they bring out the worst in you, you bring out the worst in them. Give me an example. I had an ex-boyfriend. We dated for a couple of years and we had a very toxic, very like, like I would look through his phone. He cheated on me. He would be out all hours. I'd be paranoid about it.

44:06I, it was, it was the worst version of me that I've ever experienced. I remember I was, I was filming, I was shooting Chelsea lately at the time I was working on that show and I, I would be so consumed about when he was going to call and, and how late he was out at night. Cause he lived in New York and I lived in LA and, and we had this great chemistry. So we had so much fun together and it was, and then, but it was toxic and there was gamesmanship and he didn't want to be controlled. And I was trying to control him. And you know, none of that works ever. You can't ever try to control anyone. And if anyone's going to cheat, they're, they're going to, they're not going to not because you're calling them.

44:44Are you talking about 50 cent? No, no, no. He was beautiful. He was a sweetheart. He was so sweet. Yeah. I bring it up every time I talk to you. A lot of people bring that up. People seem to really like that story. I wonder why. Why do you think that is? I just think you're both such huge personalities and picturing you together. I'm trying to picture a conversation between you two. And I don't. Like I read his Instagram captions, for example. well yeah i hear what you're saying he was a sweetheart like my all my friends when i dated him just fucking loved it because he'd come over to our house every night and he had he'd have like a lamborghini one day and then like a yellow ferrari the next day meanwhile i realized he was borrowing all these cars from different dealerships i was like you can do that you know i'm like oh and then i got a bentley i got a chocolate bentley because he kept coming over every night and he have a different car.

45:43So as a joke, I went and bought a chocolate Bentley. I didn't know you could borrow cars and as a celebrity. So I went and bought a chocolate Bentley and then we broke up. So there I am stuck with this chocolate Bentley, like a fucking white dumb bitch asshole driving around like I'm some rapper. And I had that Bentley, which was a really nice car, by the way. I had that Bentley for like two years. Okay. What's the most unhinged thing you've ever done during a breakup? I bought an ex-boyfriend, the toxic one, actually. He has a house in upstate New York and like an estate. And I knew I had to break up with him at some point, but I wanted him to really feel it, you know?

46:21And I bought, he had this huge drive that led that led up to his estate and it is an estate. I use that word because that's what it is. It's a huge farm. It's gorgeous. It's on the Hudson river. And I bought him 35 linden trees that I'm pretty sure I imported from Germany at the time. Very extravagant. How expensive is that? Who knows? And I had like 17 put lined on either side of the driveway so that they would grow and form a canopy so that when you drove in, you drive into his house under this alley of trees. And I knew that every winter, I mean that every spring and every fall, the leaves would change and bloom and and it would be beautiful and that everyone who saw them would be like where where did you get these trees and every winter i mean sorry every fall and every spring i get a text from him shut the fuck up going i can't believe i lost you look at your trees do you want to come see them and i'm always like not interested that was just a message to you You're good.

47:33That was a good breakup present. The fact that that's a break. And how did you tell him you were giving this to him? Well, I gave it to him as like a birthday present, but I knew I was leaving. And then you said goodbye. Yeah. And then the trees got planted after I was gone, you know. And so that was like, that felt great. I mean, the fact that that will stick with him forever and you have nothing to remind you of him, that's beautiful. Yeah. That was like your last big toxic hit and then you're out. Yeah. And then I haven't had a toxic relationship since then. Proud of you. I was kind of like I went out with a bang and nature.

48:08So gorgeous. You know what would be good for you to have your dogs during your interviews? So I've thought about that, but I couldn't tell like. Because I think it helps people. I think anyone who's coming on this show understands that they're going to dish, right? They know what's up. Yeah, you're going to tell me the big thing soon, right? You're getting up to the big. Yes, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. And I've already gotten an abortion during this interview all within this time. But they know they're coming here. So I don't know that you need the dogs, but I like it. I like the idea of people softening and because dogs make people feel happy.

48:41Let's talk about our dogs. What is the most elaborate thing you've ever done for your dogs? Well, I once flew one of my dogs privately alone. What? To meet me in Whistler, Canada, because I thought there was a quarantine when I first started going there and I didn't know I could bring my dog. So I flew myself there first. And then when I found out you don't have to quarantine your dogs, I sent for Chunk. And he got on a plane with two pilots and a manifest that said Chunk Handler. So that was one extravagant thing. That is fucking, imagine being those pilots. That's exactly right. The other thing I've done is I'm in Maine.

49:21It's COVID. And I'm trying to fuck Andrew Cuomo at the time because I had a hot, hot thing for Andrew Cuomo. He was hot at the time. He was hot. And anyway, I rented this house in Maine and it was in and I and then Andrew Cuomo blew me off. This is in the book, by the way. And this is the book and my stand up special, which is coming out after the book. But he he once he I realized it wasn't happening with Andrew Cuomo. We had a long flirtation or a short one, but I was led to believe I'd be penetrated by him at some point. And when that didn't happen, I was with my brothers and sisters and a bunch of friends at this house that I'd rented in Maine.

50:01And I was like, God, I didn't bring Burt and Bernice. I've just been rejected by a man. It's COVID. I'm single. A lot of people during COVID who were single feared that maybe they would never get penetrated again. Maybe that was it. What if I never am allowed to have sex again? So it was a rejection, a dejection. It was deep. sleep. And I, I was like, I came downstairs and I said to my sister, Simone, like, I need Bert and Bernice here. I'm pissed that they're not here. I don't know what I was thinking. We're here for a month. Like I need some comfort and I'm not flying my dogs privately. That's ridiculous.

50:35Like I did that once and I was shamed for it and I don't want to be that egregious. So she said, let me figure it out. And she came downstairs and said she had found a service. There was a couple that could drive my dogs from California to Maine and then it could be there in 48 hours. It was a Monday at 7 p.m. and I was like 48 hours. I was like is that is that even possible? But you know when things go my way I don't ask a lot of questions. I'm like great. So Wednesday at like 7 30 this couple pulls up in this like trailer hitch situation like a van attached to something else. I don't know the vernacular for those types of things because you know um and my dogs kind of scuttled out and my dogs aren't very affectionate they were both they're both dead now but they were they're just both aloof they were brother and sister combo platter and they were chow chows and they're just kind of like slow sluggish and just seemingly off and I I said to the couple that pulled out I was so grateful you know to see my dogs I was so anyone who has an animal understands and I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail I went inside to my, to the kitchen, my brother Roy was cooking, he's the chef in our family.

51:47And he was cooking. And he was like, I, I said, he grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses, and he goes, What are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Bert and Bernice a thank you cocktail. And he said, Don't make them more than one round, Chelsea, like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, Excuse me? I go, What's your problem? He goes, Look at me. and he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.

52:29Dude, did you go back out there and like take a harder glance? No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long. We have to be in Florida by midnight. That's also not a five hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, And my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes.

53:06And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy. And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them? Chelsea, you just sent your dogs on a high speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic what the fuck he's like they're detoxing they're coming down yeah they're coming down off the drugs yeah they were coming down so that was and then the next day like the bushes were there the bushes were in kenny bunkport the next day barbara bush george w bush is you know one of the twins barbara and jenna she's like she texted me she's like sissy we call each other sissy she's like sissy i hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying.

53:59And I was like, yeah, she's like, we're coming by. She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the first lady with her. There's like three secret service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush, loved my dog Bert. She loved him. She understood his body type the way I did. Like, just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like why is Burt acting I'm like he's sick he's sick because I know you know like I'm not gonna bring a crystal meth to the fucking first lady and my brother Roy's out there and I knew he was about to fucking say something I'm like you shut up do not you know how Republican first ladies act about drugs you know there's a war on them and I don't want them to think me and my loose lifestyle that I'm drugging my dogs so um it was pretty ridiculous they recovered I think you think wait into now do you have new dogs I have a new dog Doug Doug yeah he's black and beautiful he's a full chow oh yeah and a rescue a full chow rescue what yeah yeah are you lying no no no no i think our dogs need to meet i would never lie about anything oh i mean why would i i don't know i have nothing to hide you don't lie ever you think i've after everything that i've divulged today i'm gonna lie about my dog being a rescue i mean honestly alex cooper Just God forbid you want to like get more street cred.

55:22No, no, no. You don't give a shit. I bought a dog once. I returned him though. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's worse to admit. He was a loser. He was a loser, that dog. Why? Because he's such a fucking lunatic. I don't like, I like lazy dogs. Yeah. But this dog I have now, Doug, he's black. I wanted a dog of color. Yeah. And he is so beautiful and friendly and a real dog. Like I have had such zombies for dogs for so long because I don't really want to exercise with them and do that stuff. Yeah. That I appreciate dogs that are a little bit on the lazy side. Yeah. I've never had a dog like Doug, and he just brings so much joy to everyone he meets.

55:57He looks like a bear.

56:07Do you ever bring your dogs to dog parks? I don't. I try not to go to dog parks. I've had some of the worst interactions with human beings at dog parks. What happened? I was looking for Doug. Actually, they were bringing Doug to showcase me this chow rescue that I got my last dogs from. They knew I was down one dog and looking for a refill. So they brought these two dogs to a dog park in Brentwood. I went to the wrong dog park and I opened, you know how they have those metal gates and I walk in and I'm like looking around to see if the people with the dogs are anywhere and and some guy screams at me going shut the door now or shut the gate shut the gate and you know it's like they have two gates to get into the dog park one and then and i and i looked at him like i'm five feet away from the gate there's there are no dogs anywhere except for him and his two dogs which he has on leashes and he's like 50 yards away screaming and i'm like are you talking i'm like sir shut the fuck can you please relax?

57:14And he's charging towards me. And I'm like, sir, calm, calm down. He goes, it just takes two seconds for one of these dogs to get out of the street and get hit on Barrington. And then what? And I'm like, sir, something happened to you today and it has nothing to do with me. So please stop talking to me. And I go, and stop looking at me, actually. You're freaking me out. And I'm looking at my phone trying to figure out if I'm at the wrong dog park, because there's two kind of catty corner. Yeah, yeah. Don't say catty corner. And so I'm looking down and then he goes, all of you celebrities think you can just get away with murder.

57:48And then I looked up on behalf of celebrities everywhere. I was offended. Do you know what I mean? And I looked up, I go, I'm sorry, sir. That's really uncalled for. I said, there are no dogs here except for yours that are on leashes. I'm close to the gate. No dog could run past me. And he goes, you're a whore, Chelsea Handler. what the fuck you're a whore and i obviously started laughing because i was like what the fuck do you even say to that like we're literally talking about our dogs and you're just like taking it that aggressive it was and then i realized he was gay on top of it which was a double whoopsie doodle because i'm like first of all i think i've proven my allyship right fucking since i was before i was born and obviously no straight man is screaming like that at a at a dog park you know what I mean?

58:35No straight man is like, get out of here. That is, that's a pretty wild moment though, to have someone screaming your face like that. But I feel like you handled that well. Well, there was another guy that was walking up luckily. Cause then he heard him. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, do you need any backup here? And I'm like, no, no, I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with right now. And, and then the guy, the gay guy got in his minivan and started taking pictures of me and I started smiling and waving. I was like, hi. And then I was like, should we get one together you know like he was gonna report me or something the dog parks are not for the week like I went once and my dogs got some type of rash oh oh so I don't know I don't yeah I'm not into dog parks listen I don't really I don't even walk my dog okay like I let's be honest Chelsea I don't you cuddle with them yeah okay what do you think of dogs with food names when people name their dogs like macaroni noodles chickpea that's annoying i like my dog's name is doug my dog's name is henry and bruce exactly exactly like treat them as such yes when you're like oh when they call them a different animal like oh skunk and you're like why why are you calling you know what i mean do you know what i'm saying yeah i guess i mean i find dog talking like I find dog jargon very irritating people who are obsessed with their animals like I and listen I'm obsessed with my animal yeah I am showing pictures of him I'm totally guilty of it as well yeah so it's very hypocritical but I still don't like it and I don't like like the like I have a dog person in Whistler that takes my dog on like three hour hikes every day yeah and the way she talks about dogs I just have to tune out you know what I mean like the first time I met a dog trainer and whistler this isn't who I have now who I have now Abby who's very cool but I had a woman who came and she said okay what are you looking today the first session will be a discovery session and I'm like okay we're let me cancel this meeting like I'm not dealing with you and then she sent me links to YouTube videos to watch recall videos about how I was gonna I'm like listen bitch I'm not training him you are so you watch the video and then let me know what to do because we're not doing it together.

1:00:48It is crazy. Some people that are, I've had a person come to my house and say like, we're going to discover their personality. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Take the 200 bucks and like teach him to do paw. She said, I, by the way, I don't even want that. Why do you want a paw? What for? Why was, is that cute? I don't think that's cute. No, it's good for training. Sit, paw, treat. Sit is fine. I just want them to not attack anyone. That's all I want is for my dogs to behave and be friendly to little children when they come and pet them. True. And not attack anyone. And I don't need them to run and do tricks and lie down and spin.

1:01:24It's all so dumb. It's a little circusy. Yeah. Are you having sex in the room with your dogs? Oh, that's a great question. My dog comes on the bed and he's so agile. He's big and furry and he looks like he weighs like, I mean, he does weigh like 65 pounds. But when he jumps up on the bed, you can never hear him. so I so all of a sudden we'll be having sex and we'll look up and Doug is just like this and I'm like oh my god Doug I can't have him see his mother like giving a blow job do you know what I mean I don't want him to like I've had that where you're like look you're giving a little blowy and you see from the side eye you're like and like Bruce but the look on their face is like they're like what is happening here they're like inquisitive they're like yeah yeah like am I a part of this or am I not a part?

1:02:09It's like, you're definitely not a part of this. And I need you to actually get the fuck off the bed because this is weird. I've had that also where I'm like getting eaten out and I like look over and he's just staring like liking it a little too much. And I really, or the worst is like I push them off the bed immediately. I'm not going to kick them out of the room. I think people that are like, they can't even be in the room. I'm like, my dogs are, one dog is running to the corner. The other one is like getting a little rambunctious and wanting to hump and it's freaking me out we cut his balls but the problem is he likes the smell of sex so of your pikachu he likes the smell of that he's in i think how do you know that because after he's like smelling the sheets insane oh we got a freak on our hands oh wow yeah so that's what i'm dealing with i well maybe you should go to the doctor no it's good do you know that it's a good smell that he's smelling maybe something maybe you have an infection i know that my vagina smells fucking perfect shut the fuck up worry about yourself and your fucking giant arm my bitch come for my vagina and i will cut you because that's what's gonna trend my crooked arm my crooked arm that's that's what people will say i have a smelly vagina no no no no but i don't want to get too defensive so people are like oh god i think you already did um oh your press oh my god my okay your book comes out on your 50th birthday yeah i'm gonna be 50 how are you approaching your new decade i'm just fucking psyched yeah psyched you're ready i'm happy i'm just happy my life is so fun i'm happy that i get to do what i love to do that i that i like my family for the most part there are a couple you know but i that i that i have this life that i've created what happened with jane fonda uh jane fonda the book in there's a story in the book where jane fonda calls me over to her house summons me quite frankly this is like i don't know how i have no sense of time so maybe 15 years ago summoned me to her house and no it was 10 years ago it was 10 years ago because i was 40 and i'm about to turn 50 so she summoned me to her house she sent me an email and said i uh chelsea i'd like to talk to you about something and it was a stern tone in the email and i was like she's like are you free for dinner and i'm like sure absolutely it's jane fonda i'm always free for you what when and she's like tonight actually it's 7 30 i'll see you at my house and i'm like uh-oh like what oh fuck i was like what is this about and i met my best friend at the time i was like what do you think she's like i don't know that's so weird i'm like okay can you come with me and she's like i'm not invited I'm like, I know.

1:04:51So I got to her house and I had been to her party. I think it was her birthday party. She had a party of some sort. And I had been to her party like months and months earlier. And she goes, you were terrible at that party. She goes, I don't know what drugs you were on. You insulted multiple people. You were a dark cloud hanging over the party. The whole conversation is in the book. So I'm probably paraphrasing. paraphrasing yeah but and I was mortified obviously and I she wasn't wrong I don't even you know I barely remember that party I was on drugs I'm sure who knows which ones and I had and I had just started therapy I had just began therapy thank God because you know one of the first things you learn in therapy is like, if you are defensive about anything, then you're wrong or lying.

1:05:49You know what I mean? Like if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself. Yeah. Like my vagina. Yeah. Like your vagina. Like you just did that with your vagina. And, um, and I was sitting there across from her and I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm mortified. This is so humiliating. And I was like, and I, I just said, I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what was wrong with me. And you're right. I was terrible that night, I'm sure because I don't really remember much of it. It's kind of hazy. I mean, I remembered the party, but I didn't remember specifics. And in the midst of that humiliation and mortification, the more overarching sentiment was, wow, that's a sister.

1:06:38Yeah. Like that's sisterhood. She's, I mean, I met her once and I interviewed her and I was like happy I got my words out. Her like aura is so incredible and inspiring. And as women, I feel like I'm like, wow, I'm happy that I've gotten to like meet someone like that. And now I'm happy that obviously we're friends and I've gotten to meet you. Love it. Do you have anything left to say? give me the book throw me the fucking book don't you have it in your lap throw it i can't my shoulder

1:07:07i want to say happy birthday to you chelsea's book is coming out on her 50th birthday date february 25th i knew that february 25th same as every year the book is coming out daddy gang if you want to laugh if you want to cry and if you want to fall more in love with why is there nothing in because it's a fake book you idiot i mean that's actually what if that was the book what if you would held it up and be like i loved this part and then you opened it up specifically this chapter where it said what the fuck no daddy gang go read the book chelsea i love you love you too

1:07:55Thank you.