Chelsea Handler: Getting High as Fuck (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy daddy daddy daddy I haven't smoked in so long. I always just take edibles. Oh, my God. You better not, then. No, I'm going to. You better keep your shit together. I'm not going to be able to ask you a question. I don't have time to fucking carry this interview for you. I'm going to be fine. Okay, but we only have one later, so don't hog it. I guess we can just, we'll just start. Fuck it. My name is Chelsea Handler, Joy, Chelsea Joy Handler, and I'm at Alexandra Joy Cooper's house, and we're recording her Who's Your Daddy?

0:39Fuck you. Call her daddy. Call her daddy's podcast. And we're smoking because the last time I saw you, you were bitching at me about hating you the first time I met you. That is not true. Yeah, you were. This is what happened. No, no, no, no. Let's tell the story. Why don't I tell my version and then you can tell your version. Yeah, you go first.

1:15so I came over to your ridiculous house that had no parking and that was so and again today no parking so I went over to this house that you said don't worry this isn't my house like I care and then I you told me to lie down on a couch like I was about to get examined by a gynecologist and so I had to put my feet up like a little girl in nursery school and sit there and be interviewed and I was like who is this person because my PR team was like you have to go do Alexandra Cooper's podcast she's the it thing she got some ridiculous deal and you have to go do an interview with her I go sure no problem and then the whole time you're like do you hate me oh okay first which is so annoying when people say that like do you hate oh that's all people say to me is do you hate me just to be fair I'm a big fan I was so nervous I was shitting my pants well now I'm a big fan of yours.

2:07Oh thanks. Now the rolls have switched. Okay question. Where did you park today? Well funny you say that because I was driving myself today because it's raining and I don't trust anyone to drive in the rain even my driver. I'm like listen buddy I actually think it's fun to drive in the rain in LA because everybody's such an idiot. Pussies. And I like I like the rain. So I tried to park on the street and then there were about 40 ,000 signs that were deterring me from doing that and then I saw Alec my publicist and I said can she please open the fucking gate to her garage or driveway so I can park in the driveway and then he's like oh it's not open and I go no it's not so did you park in the fucking driveway yeah so you have a fucking parking spot yeah well that's typical for a guest when you invite them over you want to know it's to provide parking asshole I'm gonna tell you the truth of what happened I was like going like this I've already stowed yeah bring your i'm not gonna like i sit like a hobbit sitting like this the whole time we're like hey okay listen to this last time we recorded which is almost a year and a half excuse me it's okay hawk you're long you did that to me on your podcast you were just coughing my face and then i got covid after it oh i just got covid too you gave it to me no i got it on christmas oh i had the flu i was getting over the monkey pox and i had monkey pox and well yeah a couple of other things okay listen to my side of the story I'm sitting waiting for you shitting my pants I hate this I hate that you would feel that way I was just nervous I know Chelsea fucking handler so it's like one of my first big interviews and so I'm sitting there and all of a sudden my assistant at the time is like Chelsea handler's there and I'm waiting for you to pull into the fucking driveway because I had a driveway and I moved my fucking car for you by the way don't add like I out of a driveway like I have a driveway that's so cool I'm so privileged I have a driveway okay fuck you so then i walk out and at the time none of my team could be there so it was all virtual i walk out and i'm looking for chelsea and chelsea's nowhere to be fucking found and i'm like can you call chelsea like have her team call her like she's not in front of my house your high ass was three houses down parked in front of another fucking house i walk up to chelsea's car also everyone oh yeah i remember that that's funny i was high that day fuck you everyone picture this you're about to meet chelsea handler for the first time and have her on your show like i'm all of you watching shitting my pants and i find this woman in a car and i'm like is that her car i go to the window and i knock on a subaru outback and you open the door and i just get hit with a bunch of just like absolute paraphernalia and i'm like and you're like hey where am i i'm like um hi i'm alex so nice to meet you i think you thought i was the assistant you're like I'm going to a show my show bitch and then we went in and then I wanted to make you cozy but you were a fucking dress and you were a slut you were like sitting like this and I was like yeah we need to so it all went well and you it went well yeah but I did ask you if you knew who I was I didn't even know where you were I didn't know where I was you think I knew who you were but I know who you are now and it's very makes me very uncomfortable when you talk about me in that way in that regard because I'm just I it just makes I don't know I become shy but I'm glad that we're friends now and I respect you I want you to know that and I'm really like impressed with everything that you've done so now that you have my attention we can have a more prosperous interview total wrong use of prosperous like what am I like I work in it like we've had a like we've yielded prosperous um grains this harvesting that's what I almost sounded like I really appreciate your attempt to integrate the word um prosperous yeah yeah I know that was you sound smarter than me so well what what does that mean though you know you're like watch yourself okay we did your podcast the other week that was oh yeah that was fun that was really fun and now we're here congrats on your new Netflix doc not doc special it's a stand-up special I know it's a special I said doc sorry now I'm already hi I'm a doctor first of all and you should know that and all your viewers and listeners should also know that I am a doctor.

6:21I'm a farm to table gynecologist and I perform all sorts of, I can do so many things medically. I prescribe medication, drugs. I've injected about four or five of my friends with Ozempic because I realized I didn't want to use it because it's silly. Like I, it's, you know, for heavy people. I had people coming over to my house and I was like, okay, I can see you at one. I can see you at two. Can you believe the amount of people in LA that are using that shit? I have someone that's gonna backfire something bad is gonna happen it's a miracle it's too good to be true you can just make people who've struggled with their weight their entire lives thin it's a miracle you know what's fucked up though is I have someone in my life that needs it medically and it's completely sold out tell her to come over to my house I'll inject her tomorrow what time does she free I can I'll open up I will inject you have it at your house I have a semaglutide well so my doctor my anti-aging doctor just hands it out to anybody right oh and obviously now I can't say her name but she I I didn't even know I was on it I went to dinner or I went she said oh if you ever want to drop because I said she goes if you ever want to drop five pounds this is good and I came back from a vacation and I injected myself with it and I went to lunch with like a girlfriend a few days later and she's like I'm not really eating anything I'm so nauseous I'm on a Zempick and I was like I'm kind of nauseous too but I had come back from Spain I thought I was jet lagged.

7:44I had been gone for like a month and white privilege. And I was, and I was like, oh, I, I'm nauseous too. And then I'm like, but I'm not on Ozempic. And she's like, are you sure? And I'm like, well, what is it? I go, I'm on semaglutide. And she goes, that's so, so Ozempic. You look fucking great. No, I'm not on it anymore. I stopped taking, that's too irresponsible. I'm an irresponsible drug user, but I'm not going to take a diabetic drug for like, I tried it. Yeah. And I'm not going to do that. You're not going to do it anymore. No, I don't. That's not for me. That's not right. This is just, we're starting essentially the episode with just like disclaimers.

8:18I'm on it right now. You're not a fucking doctor. No, I'm not a doctor. But go to Chelsea's house if you want to get on a Zendik. Yeah, make an appointment with, well, with Alexandra. Okay, so your Netflix special. Revolution. Revolution. What is the joke that people are loving the most? I think my brother, my brother telling me that he had to have children. I said to my brother, why are you even a father? You're not very good at it. And my brother's turned into quite an asshole as he's gotten older. And he was like, Chelsea, I had to think about my legacy. It's like, who is behind you? Abraham Lincoln?

8:56What are you talking about? Your legacy? You think people are thinking about what's going on with you after you're dead? I'm like, no fucking way, buddy. No one's thinking about what you're going to leave behind except for you. you know I'm like your legacy is that you're my fucking brother when I saw that clip let me be so clear I clipped it and sent it to my fucking brother I'm like don't you fucking forget it I sent it to my whole family yeah like it's it's a good one the whole thing is amazing well thank you so much it was a really fun special to shoot like I love it it's very hard for me to watch myself in anything and when I saw it I was like oh this is great like I was like yeah it worked out you know um even when you're confident you're insecure you know it's all you know it's all one big hot mess all the time.

9:39I got it. Look, I was confident yesterday. What happened? But yeah, it was fun to do that because my brother had seen my set. I was running it for like 100 shows. And so my family had seen me at various times. And my brother's like, oh, you sure do a lot of material about Simone with the sun and the moon. And I looked at him and I go, would you like me to do some material about you? No problem. So then I incorporated that joke. That must be so terrifying to be related to someone that does stand-up comedy because it's like you're you're at the crossfire and you're just like just wait for your turn like I I would be terrified I'm sure my siblings are terrified that I talk about them on the show but I don't really yeah but like if you want me to I will and then I can't promise obviously what's gonna happen I've made a lot of mistakes doing that like talking about people without their permission yeah and I think that would be a good piece of advice actually for you to rethink about that because uh I definitely like Like, you know, if I didn't think it was a big deal for somebody, I just assumed it wasn't a big deal.

10:38And like some people are really sensitive. Can you give us an example? Oh, God, there are so many. I mean, where I've just kind of told someone the truth that couldn't handle the truth. And not in a mean-spirited way. Like, I want to be honest with you because you're a woman. And I want to be honest and loyal to women. And I'll always tell you the truth. I'm never going to lie to you. And people don't like that. It's abrasive. And I know. I own it. It is abrasive. It's like not welcoming, you know? So you have to watch yourself a little bit more. Yeah, I mean, just be a little bit more mindful, just in a nice way, like not to be a cunt, you know what I mean?

11:13Like I'm a cunt and I have to sometimes, I remember that other people are not like me. They are very sensitive to criticism or even like, you know, and it's an invasion of their privacy. My family has no choice. I mean, they just don't have a choice. Like they understand I'm not gonna abuse you, but I'm gonna call you out. I'm never gonna lie. I mean, they say I lie about everything, but they're wrong. But I've crossed that line before. Of course. With my family members, and I don't cross that line where it's mean-spirited. I get that. Okay, fair. Your ex directed the special, and he did it while you guys were dating.

11:48Then you guys broke up, and the special came out. How has the breakup affected the way that you feel about your special? Oh, like sweet. You know, it's sweet. It's like one of my favorite moments of my career, and I got to share it with somebody that I was like, you know, madly in love with. It's super sweet. It's probably the sweetest thing that I've ever done. Like in turn, I'm not a very sweet, like, you know, romantic person. I mean, I'm, you know, sweet, but. Why did you guys break up? Well, I just don't want to really comment on it any further because it turns into a headline. And I'm not promoting a breakup from six months ago.

12:27Like, you know what I mean? I'm here to talk about all the other things I'm doing. and I understand people are interested but it's just like it's run it's it's run out of gas I get it I respect that answer

12:53so you're single now I am how is it going that's funny Why? I have a listen. I have I have like a really enjoyable relationship with myself for the last few years when I've realized like the importance of actually spending time alone without tons of people around. I've actually meaningfully spent time by myself to see what was up with myself. Right. and I've really genuinely enjoyed getting to know me and I have a lot of respect for that time where you are out of a relationship or right before you're going into a relationship to really be mindful of that time and the space that you have so that you can show up in like a really good way for any relationship you're in and to know when to take a time out a lot of people don't seem to know that it's time to take a break isn't that so that I feel like that period everyone has that moment of like oh my god I hung out with myself for so long and I actually for the first time fucking enjoyed it and I got to know myself and I was like oh this isn't this isn't bad like maybe I don't need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled I feel like everyone goes through a period of their time where they're like I'm so comfortable with myself I don't even want anyone unless they're like great to add on to my life yeah well I think you have to always set your standards where you want people to meet them like if you don't have any self-respect which so many people seem to suffer from like you know what do you think you're attracting other people who are going to disrespect you like when you think highly of yourself you attract a higher vibe that's just the way it is and like it's better to have a high vibe like I've been low vibe I know what that's like and it's infective or like infectious no it's infected one of them we're infected we have STs We're at the doctor's.

14:43Oh my God, but my vocabulary is everything and it's just, boop, boop, boop. It's okay. It's invective is what I meant to say. And yeah, so it's like, it's good to just like get to know yourself. Like I went to, I remember going to Whistler. I bought this ski chalet on FaceTime because I was so scared Donald Trump was gonna get reelected. And I went to Whistler. I got into Canada. They were so strict with the quarantine because they wanted, they think Americans are disgusting and they don't want us there. So I got a work visa. I got everything so that I could go to Canada and ski. Like all I cared about, I flew my dogs and I there.

15:17We get there. We get down. We land in Canada and we land. I had chartered a private plane. I can't tell this story actually. Because it's illegal. This is, oh. It's illegal. You can air all of this, but I'm not going to continue the story. What happened was illegal, okay? And it wasn't because of me. This is the best. Fuck. This is so classic. Oh, this is so classic. You have no idea. You know what happened? So I get to the airport and this guy is like, oh, they're turning planes around in Canada. I mean, in Vancouver, you know, we could get turned around. I go, well, who are you? And he was like, I thought he was a customs agent.

15:56And he had me on the phone with customs. I was talking to them about my work permit. I'm like, I did everything by the book. I hired like an immigration person. Like, this is going to get me in. What's your problem? And the guy was like, I don't think we're going to get in. I don't think we're going to get in. and and then finally I realized he was the pilot so I had been listening to this fucking pilot telling me that I had to call this person and this person and show my paperwork and I go wait what are you you're the pilot why do you have you have no jurisdiction over what's about to happen right now just like you're flying the plane let's go and he was like I can't we can't go up there and I go look at me I need to get to Vancouver you're gonna fly this plane to Vancouver and if we get turned around at the border then that's on me and then unfortunately I have to fly all the way back with you so I promise you I am gonna get into fucking Vancouver and then we got there and the customs guys came on the plane and they were like welcome Chelsea we missed you yeah and you got in easy oh my god yeah because Canada's awesome and they know that I'm yeah I support them they're they just want to get along with everyone so you left out the illegal part yeah okay good you know what's really interesting is when you said I can't but I really want to tell the story I want to hear it so it's very I'm having a difficult moment right now because it's such a good story but I can't we want we want this is what I mean about getting people in trouble you know what I mean I can't do it we're not gonna do it when I when you're about to say but like if you want to do it no we don't want to do it you can tell me after um I need something to is this my drink yeah yeah pour your water you know what's interesting pour your water pour your water in your glass I should have done that I was in nursery school for a second pour your water it's interesting when you just said that about like oh I can't tell this story you were saying like I chartered a private jet and you said oh I can't tell this story I thought because you're like a successful woman and I guess we just always get shit on you were gonna say I can't tell it because it's coming off as too like privileged rich dick well I'm not gonna lie I did I mean yeah I do charter private planes not all the time but yeah I'd love to fly privately all the time no I like the honesty I mean I um now we're a little are you high yes very high I'm very stoned I'm trying to focus and especially with you it's very dangerous territory because you're like I think you could you think you could get in there like I can see what you're doing and I'm like no bitch I saw your face when I asked you about the relationship and immediately your demeanor went from like i'm just out alex's house too well then you were like fuck i don't want to talk about this i had to ask i wouldn't be doing my but we're having such a good time why bring something like that up you know what i mean it's like wait what the people want to know i know i have to be half friends half okay well obviously i'm gonna have to fuck somebody else publicly pretty quickly to get everybody to move on to the next conversation you do do you have a pattern with a specific field that they're usually in oh everything i mean i've dated every I have dated the most random people There is no type I've dated Look at the people that I've dated There's None of them have anything in common And I look at them all And I'm just like You know What's the connection?

19:12And you haven't found it No I haven't I don't know What do you think it is? I feel like you're very like At the moment You'll Maybe you're looking for something And you need it And you go into it with that person And then you leave And you're like I didn't fucking need that and then you meet someone very different you're like maybe this is what i need but you're all you need sweetie yeah thank you okay can you write that down in my notes section do you have my notes section what was that you're all you need and then put it in quotes and then write call her daddy i think that's the worst advice i ever gave yeah that was that was fucking stupid yeah okay let's talk about settling okay because you're single we all have a friend who is either settled and we're like oh well fuck them that sucks or they're on the path to settling because they'd rather be in a shitty relationship than no relationship what advice do you give to women who feel like being in a bad relationship is better than being alone oh i don't know that's really hard for me to even understand i think that's how could you be doing that that's like you don't have any self-respect and you could be so much happier like that's so desperate yeah it's like they need to they need to get on the path to being comfortable being alone because then you'll see like well just don't settle for anything like why you don't have to settle for anything you have to raise your game and then everything meets you where you are you i mean people think about things ending or um like i don't know like breakups and stuff like it's always a good opportunity everything is a good opportunity, the good experiences and the painful ones.

20:52And if you didn't have painful experiences, you'd be really fucking boring. The only reason difference is now everyone shares every experience, you know? So that used to be different. Like most people wouldn't be like talking like I talk and be open, but I've always been open because I'm not trying to hide anything. You know, if I'm doing, like I talk about whatever I'm, what's going on with me. If I'm into therapy, I talk about that. If I'm into drugs, I talk about that. If I've been to rappers, I talk about that, you know, like I'm not there's no mystique like I'm not trying to like keep anything away you should go back to some rappers I know I should I'm in the mood for a good rapper that would be fun who though oh let's line it up you are due for a good rapper I mean 50 was like iconic so I feel like the only person I could top him is like Lil Wayne you see that happening me and Lil Wayne that's funny or what about like i don't know yeah what am i in the i think i need to go somewhere i haven't been before where haven't you been like an adventure you know have you ever dated a doctor uh no but i would love that yeah i would love that for you thank you what about the pilot was he single you you think i was interested in him after the way he behaved at the airport but you know when sometimes you fight and then you like realize it no I'm not like that I'm not trying to fight you weren't the girl picking on the kids in like class the cute guy I want to know about your relationship with your boyfriend no yeah I do who's interviewing you I'm interviewing you what's the dynamic there because I have to tell you something when I saw you at the Amphar event yeah I was surprised to see that you had a long-term boyfriend like I kind of judged you in a way not not in a bad way I just judged you as the type of person that wouldn't be in a long-term relationship why I don't know I'm just now asking myself that very question because I was I was like oh yeah I mean what does he do he produces movies okay and he knew your friend uh who gave us the mushrooms we were at a really nice gala and Chelsea and her friend were indulging and offered my boyfriend and I some chocolate mushrooms which I highly recommend for any gala I I really love that for you because I was like oh like I've never done mushrooms I've never done mushrooms oh really I was like I don't feel like at Amphar it's the first place and Chelsea's like oh I'm gonna and I didn't even know you were fucking hosting she was going up and like she was like giving a full speech two seconds later after I see she's on fucking mushrooms Chelsea's on stage at Amphar being like hello everyone I'm like what the fuck I would be in a fucking hole cradling myself well I gotta try mushroom yeah I know well you're pretty amped up to begin with so I don't know maybe I should chill it down yeah maybe because you would be like you wouldn't be able to shut the fuck up on mushrooms yeah I would hate myself well also I'm having to interview you when I'm high I'm usually silent but I'm having to like really I'm forcing myself to speak don't you think it's more fun to be high and social I mean I love to be high alone too but I like being high and social I don't know I think I'm really more of a high alone oh I'm more what do you do like do you play games or something or like are you playing fortnight i'm playing my xbox and jerking my boyfriend off no are you on a tour on atari or do you play atari what the fuck is that no i'm by myself watching like a movie like a normal yeah yeah that's i mean that's me every night maybe if i ever do mushrooms i'd do it with you no then you'd probably never be my friend oh no no let's not do that okay okay moving on why do you think you're so normal?

24:27Because I like normal. It's more interesting. I think normal is very interesting because nobody's really normal. I mean, nobody's really boring. Everybody has something going on, you know? I mean, some people are really annoying. And so it's hard to figure out what that something is. Or, you know, you don't have the patience to even deal with finding out. But everybody has something to say. And like people's past and their childhoods, like I find everybody to be pretty interesting. I agree. Like I could talk to anyone and just interview them all day long. I just saying I do like that about you that I feel like you're like somehow living a seemingly normal life.

25:02I'm like, you're pretty fucking famous. Well, I mean, I'm flying privately with my dogs to Canada to a house I bought on FaceTime. So like, obviously, it's not that normal. I like to have things outside of just my professional career. It's taken over a lot of my life for a lot of many years and I really needed a time out also to be like by myself and now I'm ready to rumble again like and when I'm in the mood to work then everything works it's easy you know so I had to really arrive at a moment where I got it back and I'm hungry and I have ambition because for a couple years I really did not give a shit I was like I'm just gonna go to Spain and hang out at my you know other house fuck you that we have to edit out that we have got to edit out fuck no do you know how that goes back to when i was saying like oh the private plane do you know how few people are have self like you're self-made you've come up you've made it on your own self-made my father was a used car dealer what are you talking about no like you you're goddamn so do You know what I mean?

26:11Like, I think you have the right to, I'm kind of sick of people being pissed when people. I don't, just don't lie or pretend you're not, whatever. I'm not like, I mean, I'm not gonna even say anybody's name that I could think of some wealthy millionaire. No, I just have a really nice life. Yeah. I'm not like a, you know. And you're not gonna hide it. No, and I'm in love with Elon Musk. Okay, let's talk about that. That's the next. That's the most fun thing that's happened. That's your next man. I can't stand Elon Musk. That's your next guy. Would you ever go on a date with that man? No. When does this come out?

26:44February 1st. Okay, so I'm about to host The Daily Show. I'll be about to host The Daily Show. I specifically asked the EP of The Daily Show if we could roast Elon Musk physically. I'm like, he is such an asshole that we were allowed to actually go after looks. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Because he's so repugnant of a person. You know what I mean? Yeah. And would they say no? No, they were like, let's go for it. Oh, that's nice. Okay, this will be fun for you while we're high. I think I just asked on that chair. It's fine. Oh, no, I didn't. We're moving offices. Alec, would you mind grabbing me some lip balm?

27:23I feel like I'm about to swallow my tongue. That's why I was so... I think I've now been just talking to you like this. I like the way that you twitch around while you're talking. You're like... I can't... You're like, start talking. I don't know if you're mimicking what I'm saying. Are you saying this? Yeah, you have a tick. Do I? I'm trying to get cozy. These chairs when I'm wearing real pants. By the way, this is a great... You haven't moved at all. This is a great episode. This is great. We're flowing. It's awesome. We're vibing. Yeah, we're going to have to do this once a year. Once a year.

27:59So listen to this. On your show, we did like, let's answer some questions. I figured I could give you some topics and I want to hear your take on them. Okay. That's fun, right? Yeah. I mean, we'll see. okay what is your take on posting your significant other on social media

28:19no I like doing that I've never done that before so that was fun for me it was funny like I knew how annoying it was but like I I liked it it was dead because I've never been public like that and I felt that way and it you know yeah so why not it was kind of cute it was like very um unexpected well and it's also sincere because I'm not you know full of shit I mean if I'm doing that I mean it what do you think about when people get nervous that their partner won't post them on social media like that's annoying anything that you're arguing about with social media is annoying end statement yeah absolutely I also yeah put that in my notes right Chelsea Handler exactly and then what was the other quote we came up with earlier you could you only know what you can do no it was like you only know what you can do i said you only know no i said you only

29:16you're all you need you're all you need that's the title of this episode you're all you need sweetie i didn't say sweetie do you get nervous when people come over to your house and you have to interview him for aside aside from me like are you um no I don't know why I don't know what's wrong with me but nothing in me gets like nervous I get the only nerve I get is to make sure that I like do a good job and I give my audience like an entertaining episode obviously if I'm having to talk about some like serious shit I actually like get off on that I'm like let's go like my breakup yeah so why the fuck did you you're like please stop uh yeah I was excited but then I'm swerving right I'm being respectful yeah yeah right yeah yeah but like if you want to give undertones what the fuck is going on over there yeah my god I'm like are you what's happening oh yeah that looks nice that's a nice color what is that I don't know sounds like you just ate it I did I swallowed it okay your tape that's how you put lipstick on you didn't know that that you just put in your mouth and swallowed it

30:39okay what are your thoughts on reigniting friendships with people you've had a fallout with oh that's a good one for me because i have a lot of friendship endings and like yeah i always go from people like I go from group to group to group and I do that a lot um reigniting yeah with the right people for sure yeah because you know you do grow up and like whatever you thought about or disagreed about you know you mostly forget about and then you're just like hanging on to the energy so I definitely believe in reignition why are you ignition do you see I mean I keep looking at the camera every time I say I I every time I say miss if I stop it every time I miss say a word I look into the camera it's been like multiple times I know and it's so not me because I'm so like vocabulary like I read everything and I care about fucking words yeah try to convince us now but it's not I'm really smart you guys yeah we can tell um why do you think you're bopping from friend group to friend group what does that mean oh I mean I've done that my whole life but multiple friends groups not friend group to friend group just having relationships end got it you know and not being I don't think that's a bad that's such a bad thing either you know like people move on people grow apart some people grow back together but I don't think French like I think it's an evolution everyone has their own evolution and if you're not on the right kind of frequency you're not I don't know I just think people have like fantasies and like they're romantic you know what I mean when your ex people want to see something play out yeah I think and people are really you know one of the cutest things was like people would come up to me like screaming or us on the street like oh my god you've renewed our like my faith in my love and I believe I'll be in love now and I believe that everyone has their person I was like I believe it too yeah I mean if I fell in love like that like I'm I mean then anybody can do you think you can fall in love like that again yeah now that I'm open I'm like I'm in bloom I'm just like with Elon Musk with Yeah, I'm having Elon Musk's baby.

32:42I'm actually having triplets. What is your take on when people post crying videos on the internet? Well, I mean, I think when it first started happening, it was interesting. But now it's like too much. Right. I don't like the internet. I'm scared of the internet. I just don't. I just, it feels like it's a black mirror. Yeah. You know, I just feel like we're living through black mirror. And at any moment, the world is going to implode because people are just fucking crazy. Everyone's crazy. Everyone's hooked up to a device. People aren't normal after the pandemic. It's just the world's on fire.

33:18I mean, I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but we are about to blow up. It's not looking good. It's not great. Better to be in a good mood about it, I guess. Right, like go down smiling. Yeah, I don't want to be like living in fear. Write down, don't live in fear. And write down, go down smiling. Yeah. write below don't live in fear okay we should come out with our own dictionary of phrases the quotes that we're spewing this episode are gonna be really hard for me to come back from football oh I know I'm not into it I'm not into football I wrote these being like we're gonna be this is like the upper section no I was saying I was writing the take on like it was gonna be upper section we're like we're in black mirror we're literally gonna die everything is falling apart well that's a real fun topic by the way so thanks for bringing that up i know i need to i'm trying to talk about next um dry january yeah seriously you want to talk about harvey weinstein next i mean why not just fucking oh dude are you doing dry january dry january no i'm not drinking because i'm hosting the critics choice awards but this will air after that wait what uh why aren't you drinking before that just so i look great yeah it's more for the looks yeah not for the feel no yeah i tried it i lasted four days then my boyfriend and i the other night i was like have a fucking drink it's so fun to drink don't overdo it so you don't ever have to give it away you know just don't ever overdo it so you don't have to stop doing it one of my boyfriends once said that to me that's a great bit of advice yeah i'll keep that one what is your opinion on adults who go to Disney World with their partner and like they don't have kids oh definitely against it that's so stupid I don't understand when I was insulted as a child going to Disney World I was like six years old and I was like oh really I'm supposed to believe that there's a bunch of grown mice running around trying to take photos with us that are also in a good mood fuck you I'm like I thought Disneyland was a sham when I was six years old I went off on my father I was like I don't want to come back to this place I'm like it's a joke I'm like this is like valentine's day i mean i couldn't believe and they don't have alcohol there even at six i was looking for a cocktail i was like i can't survive this place without a drink i love this answer also my next question was gonna be your take on valentine's day i think we covered that one oh my god you can't ask that be asking that question to people why what do you think about valentine's day do you know how many people love it you can't be asking that question what if i was sitting here how about this what if I was like oh wow Chelsea like I really like Disney World and I also really like Valentine's Day I wouldn't give a shit you would just be like yeah it fucking sucks yeah stop talking about it please I don't it's like people talk about Burning Man I don't like to hear about that either oh my god do you ever go to Coachella um I went once but I wasn't there I just was with the A's off so I was like backstage I didn't go another relatable moment yeah I feel like that just is awful burning have you ever been to burning man no no I'm not down with that I don't want sand blowing in my face while I'm tripping on whatever drug I'm on I want a sand you have to wear like a gas mask and it's so ridiculous I mean people show me pictures and I just it's it just seems like someplace you go to have an affair right and then like have communal living or something that's what my takeaway is um okay when I was brilliant have you ever been a burning man absolutely not things like that concerts like that or whatever that is that's not a concert i'm terrified of concerts i can't i just don't want to do it yeah i feel i mean i'm not terrified but i prefer not to i guess if i was a little aggressive i just would prefer not i wanted to sign seat what would you what would you feel if you saw someone get proposed to in the middle of Disney World.

37:21I love that after I tell you that I will never go to Disney World you ask me the next question is when I'm there what I'll do if someone is proposed to. I like proposals. I think that's sweet. Really? Yeah I do. I think that's sweet. Like I mean in Disneyland obviously that's ridiculous but whatever. I don't care enough about any of it. Would you be upset if someone proposed you at Disney World? Well, nobody would do that. Right. Because you wouldn't even go. I wouldn't go. They're trying to propose. They're trying to propose to me, but I refuse to go to Disneyland, so they can't propose. Oh my god.

37:59So you're okay with public proposals? Well, not for me. I mean, I don't want that. They can have it. But yeah, if you want, a lot of people like that stuff. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. The same girls that want to talk about Valentine's Day. want to get publicly proposed to well not everyone wants publicly but everyone like i mean not everyone but most women want to be proposed to oh yeah yeah yeah i just mean like in public yeah right no that's like at a sporting event i would say no no even if they were the love of my life no no definitely not yeah absolutely not how do you feel about shower sex oh no i'm not into it Me either.

38:40Last time I did, I got a yeast infection. Oh, yeast infections are the worst. The worst. Okay, what do you think about nepotism babies? I couldn't give a shit about that. Everyone is so bored. Like, obviously, if your parents are both actors, you're probably going to be an actor. It's so stupid. It pisses me off so much. I'm like, why do you care? And it's in every industry that, like, anyone would... Yeah. Sorry, I interrupted you. No, no, I interrupted you. I wanted you to keep going. you're being funny or I don't have much oh I mean it's just ridiculous like obviously you know if your parents are both fucking rappers you're probably gonna be a rapper I mean it's just unbelievable that people are so bored and that this is a topic of conversation it's so lame I agree like when you and Elon have children it's not Elton our first baby's gonna be called Elton okay elon and chelsea with little elton obviously elton's gonna be swinging the big black platinum card yeah well by then we won't even use credit cards elon will figure it out of all it's gonna be a late it's gonna be a middle to middle life to elderly pregnancy because i'm 47 so the baby might take a little bit longer to cook so let's give it like a three-year window i'm not really good at cooking anyway so i'm sure mine will be a little bit off i think scientifically that just actually made actually quite a lot of sense what my question is is this i don't believe anything we're saying makes i don't think any i don't know even what i'm saying i think nepotism babies you're so right what do we want them to do i've been seeing a lot right pay a fine right literally what are your thoughts on kids sitting in first class if they're not annoying that's fine yeah but parents paying for their kids to fly first yeah i mean i would put my kids in coach me too middle seat motherfucker i think i'd say that now but maybe i wouldn't they're gonna be flying on the pj yeah yeah how are they're just not coming they're not coming on we'll send them to disneyland yeah they go to disneyland every every other weekend how do you what kind of traveler are you like are you an anxious traveler like when you're at the airport like what's happening i'm trying to picture no i'm not i'm not anxious you're not not at all traveling is of relaxant actually I love it oh really like being on planes I mean you know I don't like being going to the airport but I like being on planes and I like reading I read lots of books when I'm on planes I never can get on the wi-fi so I don't have to worry about being involved in any of that so I'm like away for four hours and I like either watch something or I read it like the other day I was flying somewhere in Philadelphia to Vancouver and I read an entire book this book called The Great Alone by Kristen Hanna and it's like 600 pages and I read it in one flight and I was like fuck yeah and then I read another book the next day because I was like oh yeah I want to read another book because you forget how great reading is so good like it's just so good to be lost in a book that has nothing to do with anything you'll ever experience in your entire life and you get smart every time you read a book you get smarter like you understand another world or you have a glimmer into that back to airport sorry I'm swerving back what is the biggest sin someone can commit on an airplane I have a barefoot on there a bare feet it's disgusting and it should be illegal and i want to make a video for all airlines because it's like it's not fair people my dms are filled with bare feet on planes people send them to me like 30 people a day send me a bare foot on a plane or in an airport or on a train or on a bus one flight attendant dm'd me and told me that a guy brought muscles onto a plane and he had the shells and he put them in a plastic bag he was eating mussels on a plane next to a person like there are rules that need to be set out loud and I found out Catherine you met her she's my co-host on my podcast here Chelsea Catherine who I loved until she revealed that she travels to the airport with a dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Ziploc bag.

42:43I almost stabbed myself in the vagina. I could not believe her. And I looked at her and then I looked at her husband and said, what do you have to say for yourself? She's with you. And you didn't say anything about this. He's like, she loves eggs. And I was like, hey guys, you can't do that ever again. You can't bring 10, 12 eggs. You can't have any hard-boiled eggs when you get on the plane eat them if you like them so much you can't bring those on a plane and she was someone who would also have seen someone with a bare foot and been like gross so does she still work with you yeah she still works with me but it's caused a chasm and it hasn't been the same sentence well i just have to keep an eye on her now because i don't know what other shenanigans she's up to that she thinks is cool i think that's a cardinal sin it's pretty yeah try to say the word go ahead i can't i can't say it i can't we're gonna say volatile nope it was a v no and it wasn't vagina no no not yeah well there are other words besides volatile and vagina that start with a v virginia okay listen i need to recalibrate my brain um how about this ready for this one yeah i'm ready you're known for being very honest what's the hardest thing you've had to tell someone oh god all the time but like a hard one where you actually struggled a little bit and like clenched and then released before just releasing?

44:30I mean, nothing that made me like clench. It's never that hard. I mean, there have been harder ones, but nothing where I, things I've put off that I was like, I'd rather hope that this disappears so I don't have to address this. Like, and does it usually include you or are you just like a bystander witnessing for like a friend or a family member? Both, both. yeah if it's about someone else I have tend to be a little bit more hot really about the defense of that person yeah as opposed to it being about you yeah like I'll put up with a little bit more than I'll let my friends put up with I think oh maybe we'll be friends one day I need someone to stop threatening our friendship you know what you've been like this ever since I want I'm saying I want you to be my we are friends we are well yeah we're friends now I just wanted you to say it but stop fucking threatening it it's so annoying i want you to defend just now we're in a friendship i can flow yeah i get all nervous it's exciting okay listen to this one i'm just saying that to buy myself time because i can't read okay i was with jennifer hudson at the talk show and she was like they were had the blue cards right behind my shoulder and it was so funny because i remember it reminded me of doing a talk show like i did jay leno the first time and he was like talking to me like i was that lamp behind you and he'd be like yeah so what'd you do for this summer break and you're like hello at least i'm making eye contact right yeah no well people are much better interviewers but yeah but back in the day i'd be like hi chelsea how are you doing you're like i'm over here what personality type compliments yours the best strong and confident good answer what's an insecurity you've dealt with someone checking my phone can i tell you a fucking story yeah okay when we were doing your podcast I we remember we got asked a question and there was a girl being like I went through his phone he's got prostitutes and you're it was a big story but your answer immediately I like noted it that you were like very adamant which of course it's like not good to look at someone's phone but you were like I could tell there was something personal about how you were like don't fucking check his phone I also wanted to be like chelsea's up on her a little bit you're like you don't ever check

46:58is this something personal going on and I could tell someone had checked your fucking phone because the way that you answered I could tell it was coming from personal experience that it's a huge violation of privacy and you were frustrated about it and I've also checked someone's phone I've been that person when I was younger and I've done that and that is no way to behave. It is not dignified and you're going to find whatever it is you're looking for. Yeah. Did you find out the person checked your phone or did they tell you? It was revealed to me. Because they had something to confront you about?

47:35Yes. Isn't that interesting though because that dynamic, I've done it also, So I've checked someone something. But it's so interesting because who's in the right, though? Because it's like, no, no, it's almost like Nolan Boyd, whatever you're bringing up. Because you checked my fucking phone. Right, right, right, right, right. So anything you're saying, I could have fucked Elon yesterday. It doesn't matter. No, but also if you're looking, you're going to misinterpret almost everything and think. I mean, I know I did that. I had a boyfriend where I was so, but he was cheating on me, by the way.

48:04And I found plenty of text messages to confirm it. Like, that's my own problem. You know what I mean? I should never be in a situation where I have to look at someone's phone. My friend was joking yesterday and she said, she was looked through her daughter's phone and she goes, I have to read her phone every night after she goes to bed. And I go, oh my God, but as a mother, I totally get it. But as like a lover, it's really pathetic. Well, yeah, because do you think you were giving vibes? No, no, I was up to nothing ever, never. I don't have the personality to be a liar or a cheater. I don't have the, I barely have the energy to be in one relationship.

48:38I am very into being alone as we've discussed so it's very hard for me to even give that out you know what I mean but I tried and that was a good example I'll do it again you know but um I don't remember what I was even talking about doesn't matter you're just you're doing great yeah yeah write that down you're doing great you're doing great sweetie I think that's a Kris Jenner line so don't quote me on that um okay by the way those Kris Jenner did Kris Jenner send you that pajamas, her pajama set? I'm not on the list. Well, you need to get yourself on that list. Is it good? Yeah, she sent me this silk pillow.

49:14It's like the softest thing I've ever slept on. Put in a good word for me now that, you know, we're close. Okay. Give her a little, like, she's a nice girl. Okay, well, I just forwarded her a video of somebody doing an impersonation of her on Instagram. So she's good. It was. This girl, Anna Roisman, she's really funny. Oh my God, by the way, the color daddy girl is nice. All right. Yeah, I'll definitely mention that the next time I bump into Kris Jenner. What is an irrational fear you have? That everyone hates me. Really? Yeah, I can get like that, where I think the whole, like, like, oh, everyone thinks I'm bad or not, or too difficult or whatever.