Chris Olsen: My Revenge Porn Experience

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy. Chris Olson, welcome to Call Our Daddy. Thank you. I am so happy to have you here right now. I'm like, we have so much to go over before we really, really get into it. First of all, for anyone of the Daddy gang that's like about to be a new fan today, I'm going to give you the floor. Introduce yourself, where you're from, where you live, what you do for a living, anything fun about yourself. Give us a fun fact. Just give it to us. God. No pressure. Well, the definition has changed over the past three weeks, but we're trying to make it better.

0:40My name is Chris Olson. Should I direct it to camera? I'm like, hello, my name is Chris Olson. I am originally from Chevy Chase, Maryland, the DC area. We call it the DMV. And I moved to LA. Oh, I went to, I was like always a theater kid growing up. I'm a theater kid. Growing up, I went to boarding school for high school for theater, like an art sporting school. Oh, so you did it. And then I got my BFA in musical theater in college from Berkeley College of Music. Like theater kid, hardcore. It's insanity. But junior year of my college was when COVID hit. So downloaded TikTok, was in a relationship, started making some videos.

1:22Two months in, went from like a few followers to 2.2 million in like two weeks. I was like, okay, this is a fun thing that's happening. But I wasn't like, career is new now. um so and I still had a year left of school but I finished senior year of musical theater school online on zoom we moved to LA and then have been doing social media ever since went through a little public breakup um went through a little public breakdown have been doing all of all things public recently your videos are amazing thank you I think my favorite ones are obviously when you're like where should I go and you just casually get on a plane and you take us through your entire life and day I can't imagine what goes into those videos you make them look so effortless and chill meanwhile as a creator myself I'm like god bless you we bow down you're doing the lord's work over there thank you good work we have to talk about the apartment drama so for context everyone I have been a fan of yours and I remember uh I think it was like a year and it was about a year ago a year ago I start getting so many tags on tiktok and everyone is like oh my god Chris Olson is living in your old apartment he's definitely living there he's and i'm like what is happening so i go and i shut the fuck up who is this babe who i see it and i'm like oh my god i don't know if it's the exact unit it isn't it isn't i know it's not i did lie to the internet i've done it once or twice but i knew it was the same building you lived across the hall i know the unit because Because it was like on.

2:57Two. Two and three. I had two and three. Yeah. Yeah. You were. Right. Two G. You can say it. I don't live there anymore. Oh Jesus. I'm like. Someone's going to show up and look for clues for you. I think I was. I lived across from a psychopath. Because those windows are like kind of unmistakable. The windows. And the location of it too. I think people just knew. Are the doormen still there that like. I don't know if you have. Do you love your doormen? Yes. They're the sweetest men ever. And most of them have been there for like 20 years. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when I was moving out and I like almost had a cry session with one of them.

3:29And I was like, this is when, you know, you loved your building so much because I was like, I have to go. I got to go my own way. What about us? What about everything we've been through? What about you? Okay. Yeah, this is good. This is good. Okay. We're here today. Look at me just like shifting the tone. I'm like. And so now trauma. No. And now let's talk about trauma. Yeah. um when i reached out to you obviously i had been i was actually in paris at the olympics and i was sitting in my green room waiting to go onto my show and i came across one of the videos you had made basically begging people to stop and i was with my friend and i was like tearing up crying basically being like oh my fucking god i could tell how much pain you were in and i think the reason i really want to have you on today is because unfortunately a lot of the things that you have gone through in your life a lot of the people listening and watching this episode will potentially have gone through also yeah so let's just get into it yeah private photos and videos of you were leaked online non-consensual and the internet was essentially harassing you about these videos and these photos so first before we get into like how this happened and everything like how are you doing without this

5:02private photos and videos of you were leaked online non-consensual and the internet was essentially harassing you about these videos and these photos so first before we get into like how this happened and everything like how are you doing without this now better because i've removed myself off of the most of the internet for now okay um and like trying to focus on what real life is it's so easy to make that so real life and make that everything i remember there's like there's a viral like tyler the creator tweet that was like how is cyber bullying real just turn off your phone and I remember being like Tyler I can't I don't know how and Tyler this is my job but I think I'm actually implementing that in a little bit of a way this past like month ish I also have never cried more in my life I cry like a day every day but I don't even really say that in like a bad way like sometimes I'm crying because I'm like so grateful and sometimes I'm crying because like I'm just want to hug my childhood self and sometimes I'm crying because I don't know why I'm crying sometimes I'm just fucking crying and like and and that's okay and that's okay and like I I think people will probably be like bitch we see you cry all the time on the internet what are you talking about but like a lot of the time when I'm crying on the internet it's like I've been listening to Taylor Swift music it's like there's like a sad moment going on i'm not one of those people who like if i'm going through trauma i'm gonna be like oh my god but i just did that like last month but but to be fair yeah you were going on essentially asking people to stop and to give you grace and to understand like you are a human being and this isn't a game this isn't like oh my god all these things are getting leaked of me in like a very traumatic past event that happened that's bringing up a lot for me and like now you guys are like using it as like clickbait and like to get views like please fucking stop because this is actually how people hurt themselves like let's keep it real and I had kind of entered like a clapback era for a month before then I was trying to like be all like bitchy and like I'm the one in this position and you're not that's like also not me like I I would love for that to be me and occasionally I can like play that character but the real me feels like the loser in middle school that everyone is now pointing and laughing at.

7:28And now it's like maybe I just lost my virginity and everyone is hearing about it or there was a photo of it and everyone's now using that against me. And all I feel like is my 13-year-old self again who just wants to hide and be hugged and be with my family. and like my family from my family has changed so much from when I was 13 to like when I was 13 we I had a perfect family unit now like my mom's been to rehab several times I've been to rehab several times they're divorced like so much of the past that is being brought up no longer exists to me either so that brings up a lot of internal pain too I'm like I was gonna say we're gonna go through that because I think again like so much of what has happened to like why we're like about to talk about something that's like immediate actually has so many layers that has happened in your life that got you to this point let's go back kind of to like your childhood because you referenced which i think a lot of people can relate to like the life you once knew completely shifted and now as an adult you look back on that so talk to me about your childhood in maryland from like beginning to like 10 years old like that like adolescent like young kid what was going on at that point i had like I had a wonderful childhood like I it was my mom and my dad together I have an older sister she's two years older I was always the performer of the family like I my sister would never want to be in front of a camera and she was so happy when I was born because I was like I'm ready put me where's where are the lights baby like give me something but you were like a very like outgoing happy like performative kid yes yes yes I was such a happy kid I was I was generally happy for like up until 10 like shit was good I like life was good my mom like ran our worlds like like she if you asked anyone in my neighborhood or even like the surrounding neighborhoods they knew who my mom was she was like on the board of everything we were signed up for all all of these things we went to church every Sunday as a family and then would walk to dinner as a family right after like it was such a classic like really lovely privileged upbringing like I I am so grateful for that upbringing um and up until 10 like yeah I was gonna say what was school like during that time school was good I started off at um like a co-ed religious school nearby okay Which like, yeah, we religious and we went to church.

10:09But my parents now recount that as like, we just wanted to see if you liked it. Like they're not like my mom was telling me from like two years old. She was like, if you're gay, it's OK. Because she was like, I know this bitch wants to wear heels for his third. Like, come on. And so my mom knew like they knew maybe the church wasn't going to be like our calling. But I think they just wanted us to have structure. So I went to a co-ed religious school until fourth grade. And then I moved to an all boys school, Episcopalian school for fifth grade where you wore coat and tie every day. How rough. Rough.

10:44I mean, fifth to sixth grade was like fine because it's like I were going through puberty. I realized I was gay in sixth grade, but like I like fifth grade was just like I was a I was an athletic kid. Like I was I think like the second fastest in the grade. So in like fifth grade at an all boys school, that's like status clout, bitch. Like you are. I was like, yeah, I'm the second fastest. You guys, you can't say shit. Like, what do you want? That's literally clout. No, it was like I was on top. I was on top. And but not anymore. But I like fifth, fifth and sixth grade were both good. It was like it.

11:25Everything changed. Home and school around the time that I came out in seven at the end of seventh grade. is when I came out. I remember I tried to come out in sixth grade. I mumbled to a friend that I was gay. And they were like, what? And I was like, nothing. Never mind. I was just like, I don't know how to put it. I don't, yeah. Never mind. I can't. No. I don't even know what I just said. What? What? Lunchtime? Okay, let's go. Let's go run. Yeah. And then when you came out in seventh grade. And was that like a positive? At the end of seventh grade. Was it a positive experience? Initially, yeah.

11:59I came out at theater camp. because in addition to boarding school and college, I went to theater camp every summer. Love, love. Jesus Christ. Thank you to my parents, by the way, like for allowing me to do all this shit. They're like, our little faggot. You can believe that one. I'm so sorry. But they're literally like, they really, to their credit, they said, follow your dreams. They were both lawyers. And they said to both me and my sister, like you guys can do what you want. We want to work hard so you can do what you want. And I really, I will always appreciate that. Um, but I came out at theater camp to one of my friends who's actually also on TikTok now.

12:38He goes by Julian Cookies. Um, and we, he was like the gayest at camp. And so I was like, I need to tell someone that one, like that one in the short shorts and the tank top who speaks in the high voice. That's going to be the one. So I like went up to, I, I like asked him to talk one day and like told him I was, I think I might like like guys I'm bi and then he was like that's great he had such like a casual reaction about it and I was like oh right yeah casual reaction yeah okay it's cool and so then when I went home just and we're starting to go back to school I knew because I know how I know how the girlies work I was at the all-boys school and the girls school was right across the street so I told three girls knowing that that shit was gonna spread I said I said I'm gonna actually let you do your do my work for me like spread it like wildfire babes I'm gonna say please don't tell anyone and here we go by lunchtime I knew what was gonna happen so I told a few girls um and it started getting around but then I didn't tell my parents because I was like waiting to have a moment with them but I didn't know when but this was also around the time that my mom was starting to go into a depression and she would drive me to school every morning and like one of the mornings around this exact same time started sobbing and was like I'm an alcoholic and this is me like seventh grade or eighth grade now being driven to school it's like 7 30 a.m but I'm like I don't know what to do with myself at that point I didn't know how to have any conversations I wasn't in therapy yet and and you're in seventh grade eighth grade at this point I think because I had just come out yeah it was it was it was a lot like eighth grade period you could have the best life at home and eighth grade is going to be tough but that started happening and then one of the girls told their mom that I had come out and then their mom told my mom so then she confronted me another one of those car rides that had already become really like scary for us at that point and so I never got to come out to my parents.

14:50So there's actually, it's been a little bit of a theme, I feel like, that throughout my life with these big moments, people have shared things for me. And maybe that's why I've become such an oversharer, because I think if I beat everyone to the punch, maybe I won't feel violated. But oversharing has made me come off as annoying. So it's like, you can't win. It's either I close it off and then I continue to feel violated because people share things about me that I didn't want out or I overshare. And he talks too much. He loves the sound of his own voice. All he does is fucking yap on the Internet.

15:24And I'm like, I know there's no way to win. And I'm not saying I'm fighting a war that's harder than anyone else, what anyone else is going through. But it is really, it's like a mental game of tennis. We're consistently playing with ourselves, trying to find like, how much am I supposed to share today and should I be mysterious? or am I the person that's relatable and loves to share things or do I just be myself but who am I anymore because I've tried to just uh edit who I am over and over again to appease what you like but it turns out no matter what like there's not going to be people who like you and that's like fucking yeah basic internet 101 but no but it's but it's it is interesting to connect it to the real world of you being like it had there is a theme in your life of like you're not getting the opportunity to have autonomy over your decisions or your life or your voice and it keeps getting taken away from you so the only rational thinking is get ahead of everything but then you're not able to actually live your life and like be feel safe you're constantly on your toes being like oh my god if this is going to come out then i should do and it's like holy fucking shit that's not normal no validate you like that is not normal and i'm sorry that happened to you in school because we all know how fucking miserable middle school is in general yeah and And going through, like having to come out in general, it's like, why the, you shouldn't even have to do that nowadays.

16:44I know, right. Like, let's. Well, and that's like to my dad's credit, because I never ended up coming out to him either. But he always says whenever people ask him, like, when did Christopher come out to you? And my parents and anyone who knew me before age, like, 10, I demanded everyone called me Christopher. I was not Chris. so my dad can't he like physically can't call me Chris so everyone calls me Christopher and it's a cute little like anecdote if you're if you know me from the past which is funny because sometimes the internet does that now too and I'm like it feels like we know each other should I call you Christopher hit it like go for it we're close now love we're close it's happening we're childhood at this point we are we are um but my dad has always said to people when they say so when did he come out to you he's like he didn't and neither did his sister and neither did either of them have to why did they why did I need to have a conversation with them about who they want to love that's their business and I'm excited if for whoever he wants to love maybe if it were if it were a girl great if it's a guy great um and he and this is like a this is like a just like a white straight guy from South Carolina this is my like he is a lawyer like like is not someone who you would immediately look at and be like progressive man I feel safe to fly my flag around you not that he seems unsafe but like I wouldn't like there maybe that's why people ask him because there's like the maybe a little bit of a prejudgment of like you you're kind of like this classic American man what's it like having this son and he's like what do you mean you know he's like what is this question even asking your dad sounds like a fucking angel and obviously like there are so many people that will watch this that are like oh my fucking god I wish that like my dad I did that but I think we all have learned like it's okay if it's not your dad there's someone at theater camp that can be like oh cool get in our posse bitch like yeah there is someone out there for everyone to like confide in and have that like beautiful acceptance and not have to be like we I'm not different I'm me and we're all different in like dude your dad sounds he's the best and that's why I like I kind of gaslit myself during that whole coming out scenario because my mom in that car ride said like okay I I know that this is something you're doing but like maybe just don't tell anyone because you might like people might be mean to you and I know she had good intentions in that but I felt really invalidated in that moment and thought and I was in eighth grade I was in this time when you're like I don't even want to talk to my parents period and so I'm sure she said that and I was like okay and then we just didn't speak for the rest of the car ride and I know that's like there's so many worse ways that coming out can go and so I kept thinking like you can't be upset about this like you came out and they didn't kick you out um you're still going home everything is still fine so like get your shit together and don't be upset but i do think chris it's christopher period she's christopher um i do think it's interesting i think i had this conversation with rupaul at one point of like it's so convoluted of like our parents most of the time most of the time are trying their best and so are we and there's this like gap that we can't bridge so like your mother looking at you as like her little baby being like of course don't come out it it from what i understand from your parents being progressive it was like actually her trying to protect you but what she wasn't understanding is this little boy that was like i have been waiting i whispered it to a friend they didn't hear me so i took it back like you were needing someone to be like whenever you're fucking ready yeah we're gonna stand right next to you but it's like you and how does she and she was also going through so much and like she had a both of my parents had insanely tough childhoods and so a lot of the things that I go through with them now I have to find a lot of forgiveness because of how they were raised and how great they're doing all considering but like both of them were abused mentally and physically by their family members so then your mom starts drinking she had been drinking I think like you know she maintains that she was an alcoholic for most of her life but like we grew up when I grew up she was like the wine mom yeah like she wasn't she was never really like there was never a point in time in which I was like my mom is wasted and in fact like

21:22it's like I don't know exactly how to say this because there were times we had good moments with her when she was drinking she was almost she was self-medicating with alcohol and I think that was what was really confusing to us because at some of her rehabs

21:46it's just really tricky because I don't want to exactly say like she was great when drunk and then she hears this and is like so I'm gonna start drinking again you know what I mean like no I get what you're saying so let me i'll just go back a second no yeah take your time like can i just say i have people in my life that are alcoholics and i've seen that you will when someone is an alcoholic for the most part like understandingly we're about to get to your life story also but from watching your mother there is this like a lot of their personality yeah for a majority of their life if it started young is like pretty intertwined with drinking and if they are a functioning alcoholic they're able to show up and you're like they're the fucking funnest person ever and you're not seeing when the minute the bedroom door is closed how much darker it can get or wherever it gets dark but if you're only seeing the like fun wine mom like i can understand why you're like it wasn't that bad right it also wasn't even like wine mom that was like i'm drinking the whole bottle like or maybe I didn't see that too but like when you're a kid growing up if your mom is one kind of way you just accept her as she is that's your mom you know and it's been there's just been like such I really I do I really do feel for her in that moment of the coming out story because she had just started going to AA I don't think she had gone to rehab yet she had she knew that there was something wrong with her.

23:20And wrong with her is also like maybe the wrong word to say. It's like there was something going on mentally that like she knew she needed to address. And there was also so much going on mentally with me. And I didn't know, none of us knew how to communicate or go about any of this. And I really, I really do feel for her. And our relationship is consistently in, in flux, because when you get sober at 50, there's a lot of things you've, you have then learned how to do that not drinking anymore is not going to undo is not just going to immediately rewrite and we we still have a really tough relationship today but I really do like love her and feel for her and I hope we can get back to a place that things are better you know like I like I know she's going to be listening to like she is she's the most supportive mom ever everything she does operates out of love I feel like I'm kind of going off track now I want to validate you also because and I can imagine how many fucking people are listening to this right now being like preach Christopher preach of first of all even if you have what looks like the most perfect family life child family parent dynamics are so fucking confusing and they're so deep and especially if you are an only child versus if you have siblings and if you're the middle or you're the youngest or your oldest and then what are the parents working with and what is their trauma what is their baggage it's like nothing is ever going to be perfect when you have your relationship with your parents that's a fucking fact but it's i actually really respect you for being real of like if someone came on here was like we have the perfect relationship well no you don't no one has a fucking perfect relationship with anyone your significant other your friends your parents so to acknowledge that you and your mom had essentially at one point in your lives it was like the beginning of a lot of things you had to work through individually and together that's really really fucking relatable and everyone's story is different but like you sitting here getting nervous about your mom watching this I want to like tell you you're doing an incredible job speaking about it because it's no one is confused that you love this woman so much but I appreciate you clarifying like but we got shit to work on that's gonna be the day like till the day we all fucking die I have shit with my mom I have shit with my dad and to my friends my life may look more perfect than theirs whatever fuck no we've got our shit I just want to say that because I know it's weird our lives like being in front of a microphone and cameras and then like our parents and our family has to deal with it well yeah like I know they're gonna watch this and I know like and we actually haven't spoken since um like that much since Christmas because there was a big like we just had a moment at Christmas and like like I posted on her birthday um when was her birthday and like I text I also texted her it was um july 31st she's also leo and like that's like i am like i'm a i grew up um like she was my everything she was my everything she was my best friend she was my biggest cheerleader um and she still is and that's what i think makes all of it so much harder because like i look at her and I want a relationship with her too oh god this is just like the and these are all things that like I also want to talk about I may need to talk about with her at some point but families are really tough like I don't blame her for what was happening in that moment yeah to go back to the main point and I think to close out that also is like everyone wants like when you there's a moment everyone can like close their eyes and think about when like their life seemingly felt like stable right like oh I have this one picture in my head maybe for some people it was childhood maybe for some people it was like their teenage years or whatever it was yeah you can like pinpoint that summer or that Christmas that you're like it really felt good but it's hard because at the end of the day like you're talking about literally the woman that birthed you and you have such a connection to this human being yeah but it's complicated and we can leave it at that because I get it like there's wounds there and you're still dealing with things and aren't we all and like I validate you I also wanted to go back quickly to like while your mom is like saying this to you in the car like I'm an alcoholic you I'm assuming like we're dealing with things at school once you came out like being an all-boy school talk to me were you bullied yes but not to the again not to a level of like i was like people were really yeah like i wasn't like physically assaulted during these things but it was an all-boys school like i i um it was the era of ask fm ask fm for the people who don't know is like it wasn't form spring also yeah like i think ask fm was second wave form spring so like Like someone and this is actually topical to what happens today.

28:21Like someone hacked my Facebook and saw me talking about liking a guy in my messages and screenshotted it and spammed my ask FM with it and was like, I'm going to send this to people. I'm going to send this to people. I'm going to send this to everyone. I'm going to send this to him, like the person I was talking about. And I fucking tried to like hack into the mainframe that shit. Like I like tried to find the IP address. I don't know. I was me and my friend were trying to find ways to do this, but I was like it. I hadn't I never found out who it was. There's no way to ever find out. But again, your life, someone trying to expose you for what?

29:02Liking a guy. Yeah. Like I have there have been just so many moments. I guess I'm like literally now realizing that like I just have not had choice to share myself the way I have wanted to. and like the way I had planned to and was hoping to and it's like you it's this continuous violation that I've tried to like maintain being on top of but it's like it's impossible to do that but can I ask you like in moments like that right where I think I read an article and you were like oh my god like I remember I like wore Doc Martens to school one day and everyone was saying I wore heels like what the fuck when people are like targeting you or name calling or coming for you back in the day at that point like how did it affect the way that you felt about yourself and your sexuality I think I masked a lot with anger at those days and like I don't remember like I don't think I cried a lot in that era at all even when my mom was going to rehab I think well it actually became like a a tactic that I learned at one of her family programs because she was sitting across from me, it was only me and my dad and her.

30:10And I was like 14 at this point. And we were at one of her family programs in the middle of nowhere in Tennessee. And we were doing family group, which is all of the rehab members and their families sit in a circle. And then two people pull their chair into the middle. I was the youngest one there at that time. So it's me 15 and my mom in the middle with a therapist right next to us. And my mom, I remember I was so, I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. Again, I wasn't like a crier at that point and I did not like crying. And she started crying. I think it was also an all boys school thing where you get conditioned that crying, it was like toxic masculinity was seeping in and it was like crying was weak and crying was bad.

30:53So I had been socialized to that at that point. My mom is sitting across and eventually start sobbing to me that like I've been a bad mom and I don't like I feel like I've missed out on your whole childhood and the therapist turns to me at 15 and is like so now what your job is now is to comfort her and make her feel better and like tell her that that's not true like Christopher like because I think to this therapist credit not that she should get that much credit because that wasn't the way to go about it was she had only dealt with adults whom but even then I don't think that's the way to go about this scenario and I was sitting in that chair and I remember starting to almost cry and I tried this thing for the first time where I was like if I repeat don't feel in my head I won't and I was like just I just sat there like like put my arms by my side and like took deep breaths and was like don't feel don't feel don't feel anything and like kept trying to like well the tears down.

31:53And now I think about that like 15 year old and I'm like, feel everything. Like I just, I wish I could hug that kid and be like, and also tell that therapist like, no, it is not this kid's job to make his mom feel, this kid is the lost one. This kid is, you have a kid across from you who's trying not to cry because he doesn't feel like there's any space for him to and all I wish I could do is like I don't know just take myself to the side and be like we don't have to go through this right now this is not this is not your job to hold the emotional labor of both of these things and again to my mom's like my mom was going through it she did feel like she was a bad mom and I did want to tell her in that moment that she wasn't but I didn't I froze I didn't know how to speak And like, I remember I like the next day they were like, okay, that seemed like a lot for you.

32:49And they like, let me like play with the horses. And I was just, and like my mom, like there was a time when I was, it was me and my dad and my mom sitting doing a workshop. And my mom like told my dad something really traumatic from her childhood. And he stood up and stormed out and she ran out to follow him. And then I was just sat there in the room with all the rest of the people like coloring in this workbook. and I didn't cry about these things because I think all of that had become normal was like the more chaos that's happening the more normal and so when I was like playing with the horses the next day I was like I think I was like this is nice but I turned off my feelings right and at like 15 I wish I hadn't done that because it took me such a long time to get to a place where I felt like I could be emotional again and could reconnect and hold that space like and this kid he didn't yeah he just uh like no one was no one was telling him what was okay to feel yeah it I I have spoken to people before and I've had people in my life that have talked to me about how like I think a lot of kids that experience any type of like addiction in their household or abuse you are adultified very quickly because you either need to assume the role of the adult because you need to take care of the addict or if you're getting abused you need to be self-sufficient and you need to find a source of how to continue to live and it feels like what you're saying is like your family got so good at just like we don't really talk about things things just happen and we move and we and you sitting there hearing what your mom said that was so traumatic and then you're like keep coloring in the line keep yeah just keep going it was like a literal worksheet and was like just keep going I guess and then go back to school and make sure your grades are up yeah because then I would go back to school and like uh that my parents would tell the teachers what had happened but the teachers would be like you know it's really not great that you missed like the past few days and I would just be like yeah like I don't really know what else to do I'm just like my mom's in rehab I'm coming out no one seems to like me at school like I'm the gay kid and um I think I just became okay with like nothing was okay and I started failing my classes and I was like yeah I guess I'm just not meant to like be happy like I think like my life is maybe just like it's just not going to be like some of the other ones and that's and like maybe that's okay and maybe um like I don't know there were so many times that I was kind of ready to go because I didn't see an end and I remember I was like driving home with my dad once once my mom had gone to rehab I remember like turning to him in the car and because everything happened so fast but also there was no preparation for when things were going to end I remember turning to him and being like mom seems kind of different like everything's different isn't it he was like yeah it is and then we just kind of like continue driving in silence and it was just a silent acceptance of like that childhood that I was talking about where like we were on top of everything my mom was on the board of everything we went to all these amazing um things and everyone knew my mom it was gone like immediately and I never really got to say goodbye and I was telling a friend um the other day about like these car rides where in the morning it was there was It was filled with vitriol and I was really scared and my mom would either be crying or get mad at me because I wasn't sharing enough, which we now know has been like is borderline personality disorder slash bipolar.

36:25But then on the rides home, we would have a good time together. And it was like she was and she said one time in rehab, she was like in her rehab, she was like, do you remember how I was always a little happier on the rides home? and I realized it was because she was drinking, but I was like, I didn't realize that like, I should have held on to those like seemingly,

36:50seemingly like mild moments with her. Whether they were like, yeah, we can stop by CVS and get, or stop by 7-Eleven and like get you a Slurpee. I would be like, okay. And this is also the age that I wasn't, I was annoyed by my parents, period, regardless of what was happening. So I didn't appreciate it. But if I could go back and, like, just be in that car with her one more time and, like, just, like, go to 7-Eleven together and, like, it seems so, like, it seems so low-key, like, go to 7-Eleven, but, like, just get a... she would let me like pick out a treat and I didn't know that those were some of the like last good moments we were gonna have together and I just wish I did because I probably didn't appreciate them being like a eighth grader who was like like thanks uh yeah I'll grab something like I probably we probably didn't even like talk about it and that's what's so hard because right now I'm doing so many things that when I was a kid we talked about together like I would always joke to her that like I'll bring you to oh my god sorry I'll bring you to like I was a mama's boy you saw the photos I was like I'll bring you to I loved her so much and I still do and I would like hold her face and be like I'm gonna take you to every red carpet with me I'm gonna get you a house near me in LA and now I'm like doing these things and she's asked before to like come along and it's just so complicated now because I know my I've been through a lot of therapy and I know boundaries are important but I wish we could like Like, and I, like, I know she's going to hear this too.

39:03And I do, I do wish we could do those things together. And I do think that we will, but we have a lot of work to do, of course.

39:17But I know it's not all bad and that, like, you know, nothing's, like, fully lost. And I really do trust that we're going to have a relationship again. But if I had known that everything was going to change in eighth grade, I would have held on to it. And I would have like maybe like like none of us just none of us talked as a family. Like I mentioned my sister, like we were going through this together and we did not talk about the fact that we were going through it together until my second rehab. um i what i cry a lot about these days is like missing what i didn't realize was leaving in the past but i was gonna say like i feel like when you're talking about that like slurpee moment which is like every kid has that if you like again think of that moment with one of your parents that was so euphoric and perfect what you're really talking about is the feeling you got from that moment it's not the fucking slurpee it's not the seventh it's that feeling with your mother and that like perfect feeling you had and like the closeness you felt with this woman unfortunately when we're kids we have no fucking comprehension of this woman is 50 something years old right so we're not even there yet chris you know what i mean like we're we're we're young right now so the amount of life that woman had lived and the amount that woman sitting in that car to you that memory was so happy but clearly she was fucking struggling right right that's what's so confusing about it too because she retells those times as like that was when i was going through the hard time and like i'm sitting there being like whoa oh like that was like a good memory we had together and i'm never on the camp of like and so drunk her was better her no not at all but like i'm like that was so that was just the mom I had gotten used to as a kid growing up yes and like I think that is maybe why it's so I miss those times too because that was maybe before I started feeling these violations of people sharing things against my will it all started around that time so I felt like I was maybe like still allowed to be a kid and allowed to be like a my loud and angry self and like I got into this this is a bit of a deviation we'll come back but like I got into this field and like felt like this career and felt like I was honoring that kid by like being this loud and like crazy guy and so that is what makes the hatred against specifically that hurt so much harder because it's like if it is me receiving it but it's also like the um the like like kid in eighth grade who was coping by like being loud and like being a theater kid and like, okay, like every summer, maybe like every time, like maybe like being home sucks, but at least I have theater camp every summer.

42:19And like, that's what one of my friends said in my intervention. She was like, cause I never got drunk at theater camp and there were people who would, but even in the middle of my addiction, there were, there was a three week theater camp one summer and I didn't drink the whole time. And she was like, do you remember that? And like, I didn't feel like I needed to because like theater camp I was so like I did I never needed to get drunk the other times but like the moments of me being so expressive and loud are when I'm honoring myself the most or when I'm being my most self so the more I quiet myself is the more I want to be destructive yeah like that this itch turns on in the back of my head and And like if I'm fully honest, like it definitely turned on over the past month.

43:04Like and a lot of people were being like, I'm worried about his sobriety and I'm not I'm not like throwing. I'm not about to go like go fucking get drunk. But like it makes me feel like. I want to be quiet. And that all that does is build up this energy. That's like the devil on my shoulder that just wants to like destroy himself. Yeah. But like you just talked about, and this is why I really appreciate you like going through all this with me because there's so many things that are connected of like you wanting to speak up about first we're talking about your sexuality and then you're like, wait, I don't think I can do that.

43:41and then you go inside and then you get you feel like you can't be yourself and it's the same thing with like going through this at rehab with your mom and you want to speak up and you actually are like no wait I don't want to talk about you being a good mom right now but they're like no no talk about this you go inside and every time you go inward you feel like you're just like abandoning your actual emotions and you're just like what the fuck am I doing and every time you're loud what people call is loud every time you're expressing yourself it is that theater kid being like I'm fucking happy I'm myself I'm free I'm enjoying myself but I do before we go into now your journey I do just want to also point out the thing that you were talking about of like being in the car ride with your father and like realizing everything is different now I feel like this is just like something it's not even like a question it's just a statement for people listening it's like this whole story so far something that's very important to take away is like we are all fucking lonely when we are isolated and we are not meant to be alone and so that young fucking kid looking up at his dad while he's driving you home what you're really asking your dad is like i'm terrified everything is changing my whole world is falling apart help me but you don't have the tools to do that and that is on the adults but again now we've talked about it but the adults are fucked up from the abuse they've endured from previous generations so it's Like this is all passed down trauma of like generations.

45:04But to talk about it on a podcast like this is helpful because if you end up deciding one day you would want to have a family and have children, you will be at least a little bit more cognizant than maybe the previous. And that's all we can fucking do is talk. Yeah. And I give so much credit to my dad, even though maybe he didn't know what to say in that moment. Like I'm so I feel I'm not like it was every space for me at that point had become unsafe. I think home wasn't safe. School wasn't safe. Like I learned just to like the most safe was like alone. And I think I slide into that a lot like.

45:47And I know that's a relatable thing. I'm not saying like, oh, I'm like the only lonely person out here. But I learned like no one's on my side. And that's unfair to the people who I know really wanted to be. But that's what I felt in the moment. That's all that I felt. I just felt no one's on my side. And my dad didn't know how to talk to his son who had just came out and who was obviously very depressed but didn't know it. And my dad was also like his life was falling apart too. Like, I love my dad so much. And that's another thing we missed out on in those eras was we weren't close. But his marriage of 22 years was falling apart.

46:36His, like, wife was in rehab. And his kids wouldn't talk to him. he really tried his best as much as i pushed against him he really tried his best he actually is the reason i'm a swifty my dad is the biggest swifty in the world maybe not the world but like my dad is a fearless era swifty when you belong with me was happening like he was the one who got me on to her i and i'm not lying about that this is a very secure a straight man what is your dad's name chris he's also chris i'm a junior christopher the original you're a legend he is he is and like he and that's a way we didn't even know but we would like maybe we would be in silence but like you were bonding he tried he really tried and as like a guy who grew up in the south and like doesn't maybe didn't have like a gay guy friend growing up like I was a new thing to him and like I'm not here thinking like and it should be perfect immediately but he tried really hard and and it's so seen and like I love him so much for it it's like you're talking about sadly like the most related there are tissues over there if you want them if you also feel like I'm all over the place no you're doing great bouncing I'm gonna be really honest with you this is like one of the most incredible interviews I've ever had thank you Because you're talking about the most fucking real shit right now.

48:10You are talking about like the dynamics in a fucking family. Haven't we all been through that? Haven't we all sat in our fucking room and been so fucking upset and there's different levels to it, but it's like the interpersonal dynamics of like mom, dad, sister, brother, whoever the fuck, um, dealing with your sexuality, dealing with coming out to all of this. Yeah. Everyone I'm telling you right now, every single person at home is like, 100%. Thank you. And you're articulating it so beautifully of like, this is so fucking real. It's so fucking real. And I appreciate you can see you like you're defending your parents, but you're also addressing the pain that has happened in your fucking life.

48:50Two things can fucking exist. But I do want to go back to you said something that was very relatable. And I know this led you to something that really affected you and still affects you to this day. But it was like you talking about being alone and you were like i felt my safest when i was alone but then when i'm alone i go internal and it all starts to spiral yes you struggled with alcohol and drugs yes when was the first time you like got drunk

49:35you struggled with alcohol and drugs yes when was the first time you like got drunk 14 i was 14 i was with my best friend okay and we her parents were like at an event that night we were at her house and we stole some of their alcohol and like got pretty wasted parents came home and we were fucking messes and they were like what is wrong with you we both got grounded and had to clean out they had moved into that house like a few months or maybe like a year before that but there was one room that was all of the storage shit just piled up and it was their perfect opportunity to be like you know what you're doing tomorrow all day you're cleaning out that room and this was like there was it was about the size of this room shit to the ceiling i was like okay so like and listen i had a fun time when i got drunk when i was 14 but i wasn't like boom it's on like now it's happening like i didn't start i i got drunk a few more but it's also it wasn't like that accessible to me yeah my by the time my mom was an alcoholic my dad didn't keep alcohol in the house um i i didn't have like a fake until like later in high school allegedly never had a fake yeah I don't know like but like I I it was not accessible to me a lot until junior year of high school when I became really close friends with one of my classmates who lived nearby and we would go to her house on the weekends because in boarding school you still have to like sign out and sign it like you're minors so they have a lot of liability over you yes so we would sign out every weekend to go to her house yep and her mom would get us alcohol and we would get drunk every weekend and so once it became really accessible then it just became like yeah of course i'm doing this every weekend of course like why would i why would i everything feels so much so much better what i didn't realize was like everything just hurt less like i i think i thought i was like oh i'm just a partier and i like have fun and like I probably thought I was like all I'm doing is like living it up with the girls and doing that when really I'm like passed out in the bathroom like covered in my own vomit like that and that happened one one time I was home home at my dad's house and I like stole some alcohol from a friend's house it was gin and tequila I didn't know anything about alcohol I poured them together into a water bottle, filled it up and just drank it.

52:20Like this is a 15 year old doing that. Insane. I didn't know what, I had no idea. I was, I was alive for the first like 30 minutes and then I remember nothing. I remember being on the phone with someone and then I remember waking up like face down on the kitchen floor with vomit all the way down my side and my dad being like, are you okay? And me being like, yeah, sorry. and running upstairs and getting in bed. And then telling my dad the next day, like, I think I must have had a stomach bug. And him being like, okay, no. What happened? And I lied to him about where I got it. I tried to find every way to make myself not get in trouble.

53:06And he would ground me. But this was when my mom was gone, my sister was gone, and he had to work all day. So he would ground me at home. and find my iPhone and Life 360 wasn't a thing at that point. So he would ground me and then go to work and I would leave the house. Like, what are you talking about? Grounded. I'm 15 and like I had a bike and would bike everywhere. So it was around then like I started, I also started stealing a lot when I was 15, but then I got caught like a year after stealing and really was scared out of never doing it again. but I just started doing everything that was basically like bad behavior yeah and like the first time I ever went to the psych ward was around 15 and this is now my mama has gotten sober at this point she's back but my parents are divorced but she has moved away and we see her every once in a while but not that often okay I like broke into my neighbor's house because we had a key for their house for emergencies yep broke into their name my neighbor's house like stole a laptop that I saw on the table and then like tried to like wipe it and make it my own or something like that it was right after I watched the movie spring breakers shut the fuck I thought I'm gonna be a bad bitch and steal a fucking laptop like I don't know what was wrong with me a lot a lot obviously like we're going through what was wrong with me I did that then that That same night, my neighbors call my dad and are like, hey, we think someone stole something from our house.

54:43We know your son is having a lot of issues right now. And there's no break. Like, no one broke in. A key was used. And you guys are the only ones that don't have a key. And I remember I, like, lied to my dad initially and was like, I don't have a key. And then he sat down next to me on the bed and was like, if we don't find it, they're going to call the police and search the house. and then I silently like went to my closet grabbed it and handed it over to him and then I think I like walked calmly into their bathroom and closed the door and like looked at the medication cabinet and was like what should I take because I was like I can't I don't know what I'm supposed to go how I'm supposed to continue on like I just stole from a my neighbors who a house that they've trusted me we were friends with their kids growing up I got caught stealing earlier I've I'm already grounded how do I sleep forever and like my dad ended up like like banging on the door a bunch and to the point of me let like me opening it and it was the first time I ever had a panic attack and was like sobbing crying he was like we have to go and he took me to the hospital and they put me in the psych ward for the first time because I said I was like but they I was at risk to myself then like I was honest about that because it was like I I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now um because again not a communicative family I think it was in therapy at that point but it wasn't like I was really in it so I was 15 before I really got to regular drinking at 17 once that started happening can I say when you get out pause of the psych ward yes are you coming out and are you at all having a conversation with your father or is it kind of just like back to like the regular scheduled programming i think my parents came to the psych ward um at the end of it for like discharge and they were like um i mean the psych ward's conclusion was that i have problems with adjustment in life because the therapist which this therapist like don't know how you got your license i'm a 15 year old and he's asking me he is just going through a list of questions and is like do you get anxious about things and i'm like yeah i do do you have racing thoughts i mean i have a lot of thoughts but i'm not really sure if then you don't and like would he like he never looked up at me was just like checking off and i was like okay and then his conclusion was no diagnose like he didn't diagnose me with anything he was just like it sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on he said this to my parents like sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on in with you two and he's just having trouble with the adjustment to that fuck off and so it was like they also didn't get much uh closure or clarity from that so it's just like this is it um bye now and then i think i go back to boarding school the next and then i went back Yeah, I went back for my sophomore year and was like, okay.