Colton Underwood: A CHD Exclusive (FBF)

0:00Hi guys, before we get into the episode, I just wanted to give you guys a trigger warning that this episode does contain references to suicidal ideation and attempt. Take care of yourselves, daddies. I love you. Enjoy.

0:17What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper. We call her daddy. Daddy gang, there is a lot of controversy surrounding this week's guest. I was debating, should I even have this person on the show? And my initial reaction was, I am going to put this person in the hot seat because he made a lot of borderline unacceptable mistakes. Our guest this week is Colton Underwood. All you may know about him at this point is he was The Bachelor dating 20 plus women at one time trying to find his future wife on reality television. And that whole time he was hiding a secret so big that he planned to die protecting it.

1:15Colton left The Bachelor with a serious girlfriend who he intended to marry. But his story took a twisted turn when they broke up. and he broke down. She filed a restraining order against him. Someone tried to blackmail him and threatened to reveal his secret, and Colton hit rock bottom and tried to take his own life. When Colton woke up from that failed suicide attempt, he knew it was time to face his true identity. Colton Underwood is gay. And this is the very complicated and controversial story of his coming out. Daddy gang, I urge you to listen to this episode with an open mind. Maybe you'll hate this dude and you have no interest in why he made the decisions he made.

2:17or after hearing more of the story than just the headlines and articles that you've read, you may be able to relate to him on some level. That is for you to decide. Colton Underwood. Yes. Welcome to Call Her Daddy. I'm excited to be here. Before watching your show, I'm going to be honest, I had my preconceived notions. I read shit in the media. I watch you on The Bachelor, but watching your documentary, docu-series, are you calling it? Docu-series? It's just a series. Series. Okay, it's a series. To anyone that hasn't watched it yet, can you give a little bit of like the premise and like why you decided to do this?

2:58Well, I mean, I went back and forth whether I was going to do it this way or not, mainly because I obviously had a lot of anxiety coming off of the shows that I did. But when I really sat and thought about, you know, my life and what really got me hating myself, hating my actions, hating like just really the situation that I was in. It was because of all of these things that happened in my past and I never had somebody to look at to be like, oh wait, this is what I'm going through. So I think eventually that's sort of why I documented basically my coming out, walking through, you know, my upbringing in the church and then playing football, all of these really masculine, toxic masculine situations that pretty much just shoved me in the closet for a long time.

3:51And I brought a lot of that on myself in no way, shape or form was this process to shift blame or focus. I take ownership where I feel like it's important, but I also asking and calling on two communities that really have a lot of growing to do and are sort of the last in our society to really have acceptance. And that's the church and sports. In the beginning, you start, you're coming out and you're coming out to your family and your friends. And during that process, I noticed that a lot of times, one of the first questions someone would ask you once you came out to them was, when did you know?

4:24And your response was always like about six years old, six years old I started to know what happened when you were six that made you start to like realize like I'm more interested in men I think so at six I knew I was different if I wasn't like the other kids or I wasn't like the other boys in my class and I couldn't really fully process it until high school to really understand that like hey I'm attracted to men and to to other you know guys um so I don't think there was like one specific thing when I was six it's so hard but yet so simple to explain because like, just like, you know, you're straight.

5:02I sort of just knew something was different, but I couldn't really be that. Cause like you said, growing, I went to Catholic grade school too. Boys were supposed to be into girls and girls are supposed to be into boys. And that's God's word supposedly. And there was all these signals from such a young age that honestly, and I wasn't like this last year when I was first coming out, but I've had now a year under my belt to really sit and figure out why. But I feel like I was almost reprogrammed in those circumstances that I grew up in to really sort of try to rewire me and it just didn't work well that's what I remember watching the doc when you were like my brother didn't have to come out you don't have to come out so why should someone else have to come out and that's something I think hopefully like a series like yours is going to start to try to normalize like it shouldn't be this or there it's should be everyone or no one what when you're talking about when you're younger Like, was there something that prevented you from openly talking about this?

5:57Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, the Catholic Church, you know, you go to confession. I went to confession once a week. And you're taught from such a young age that homosexuality is a sin and, you know, masturbation is a sin. All of these things that, you know, you're awkward anyway when you're that age and trying to figure out, like, you know, the first time you get a boner or, like, you're turned on or you're like, what is going on here with my body? but you don't really have the space to explore it. It sounds silly, but like, I just remember like being turned on by boys and by other guys. So I didn't know how to process it that young.

6:33That's why I said it didn't really fully hit me until high school, but I just knew that there was something different with me at that age. And so you made a decision openly, you were open saying like, I'm a, I'm a virgin. And do you think that that was half and half of like, because you were raised Catholic and also because you were drawn towards men or like, was it just fully one or the other? I think I was just scared to go to that next step with, you know, a woman or, you know, at the time a man, because I was like, wait, you know, I, I don't want to get myself into this if I'm gay, but also I don't want to act on being gay because I'm scared of the repercussions in my work life.

7:15I mean, you know, at the time there was no other, other gay football players. And And in college, I had a very good career and I didn't want to be a distraction to the team and coaches and other players in the locker room weren't very friendly. I say I say I think in the show, too, I was like the locker room is extremely homophobic, but it's also very homoerotic where it's like slapping the ass, you know, commenting on each other's dicks. And then all of a sudden being called a fag and queer and all these derogatories that you're like, wait, hold on. And especially for someone in the closet, you're like, this is really messed up.

7:55Can you explain to me, like, what was like young Colton's experience in that locker room and like navigating it? Hiding. I mean, I would wouldn't shower after practice because I was afraid of getting turned on in the locker room or in the shower. And I mean, I never really was attracted to anybody who I played with or coaches. So I like it's sort of silly to even say that, but I wanted to avoid any chance of being outed. So I would not shower with the rest of the team. I would leave. I would change in a corner or change in a stall. There was just a lot of things that I sort of did differently than other players because I felt like I had to because I just I didn't want questions to start being asked.

8:34You know, I ate, drank and slept and played football like that was pretty much it. And I would not party. I would slept through my own house parties in college and it's because I was afraid that if I got drunk, I would be gay. Like it was literally that simple, but I didn't tell people that I was, you know, I'm more focused on my career right now. That's sort of how I leaned into it. I could never explain to the bachelor fans, like why I was a virgin. I never can give a good enough reason because I wasn't, I am a man of faith, but I'm not a man of faith to that level where it's like, Hey, I'm, you know, and I think people could read through that a little bit, but I never wanted to give them an excuse to call me gay then, because that's the next thing when you hear someone's a virgin, it's, Oh, because they're gay or maybe they're questioning things.

9:18And it's like, I can't be the bachelor and sit in front of America and say, I'm struggling with my sexuality like that. There's not that type of space for that audience and for that position. And I knew that that's why I signed up for it. Well, that was what I like, we're going to get into that whole concept of being on reality TV, making a decision to go in front of everyone, but let's go back to what was your first like sexual experience in high school? Um, well I had a girlfriend and it was a stereotypical captain, the football team, captain, the cheerleading squad. And she put her hands down my pants.

9:55I had a boner and like, I was excited about it, but also I just remember when it happened, it felt so wrong. And it wasn't wrong in the fact of like, you're sinning or you're doing something. And it's like, this is not what you're into. Like, why, like, what is happening? Why are you doing this? Almost all that. And like the next day, then I sort of went and broke up with her and then rumors run around the high school that I was gay because someone, you know, touched my dick. And then it was, it was that moment though, that I was like, okay, I either have to stop dating women and putting myself in this position or I have to come out and figure this out.

10:32So I just avoided it from there. Pretty much there on out. What did you do? Like, did you say anything to people that were like, Oh, like you're gay? Like, why did you break up with her? Like, did you combat it at all? I really couldn't. Cause they were like, I was like, it just wasn't right. And I'm just, I wasn't feeling it. Like that was sort of my go-to. When you came out, like, did anyone have one of those moments that they were like, you know what? Like we did kind I don't know. Like, was there any family members or friends? Or was it like such a secret that you, no one had any inclination?

11:02Only two people. And one happened on camera with Cassidy. And then the other one was my Nana. Oh my God. And she's like, the moment I heard that you were coming home with cameras again, I knew what it was about. And I was like, oh my gosh. You're like, fuck, I should have had you on the show. Did you consider? She was. We filmed with her. There was some stuff with my Illinois family that honestly, I'm glad that I left them out to protect. You know, they didn't sign up for a whole lot. A lot of people didn't. And that's to credit everyone who participated in this show. To give them an opportunity to sit with that type of thing, I tipped my hat.

11:42That was one of the big things for me is like I'm really about to put a lot of people in my life in an uncomfortable position. The big moment was like we were all waiting to see like what was your dad's reaction going to be. and I'm sure so many kids like would wish that their parent would act exactly how your father did like it was like his support for you and him going to New York with you and being there for you and oh my god I remember the moment where he was like I will tell people if you're getting sick of telling people like I will be the one like how did that feel that like when he said that I got goosebumps because I played that conversation out in my mind millions of times throughout my life.

12:22And, you know, there was a version of like, I love you. I'm always going to love you. I'm going to support you. I thought that was the best. If you would have asked me going into the question, what is the greatest reaction? But then he took it to the next level, which I never would have expected in a million years, a father who is a proud conservative Republican, like he has no problem with me saying that. That was the moment where I was like, holy crap, like this is, this is amazing. You know, my message to people now that I've actually had a year of sitting with it is like, you have to give people a chance.

12:53You have to give people an opportunity. And you know, he said that too. He's like, I just wish you would have trusted me with this earlier. And you have regrets, but then also you, you, it's like a, yeah, I don't want to contradict myself because I was like, I want to live my life and will I mess up? Yes. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Do I have regrets? Of course I can do a million things better. And that's one of them that, you know, looking back, it would have been nice to maybe give him a chance earlier in my life to be there and support me and love me. But I think he stepped up majorly when it counted.

13:21Back to the locker room, you discuss how the locker room can be one of the most homoerotic and homophobic settings. Can you explain that concept and those terms? yes so I guess like the best example for me to use and this is like a legit real example you know I'd be sitting in my locker and a guy would walk by getting ready to go to the shower and comment on another guy's penis size right you know and or just be like dang that's big or you know stuff like that or say like oh you like comment on a nice ass and that's where I'm saying it's a little homoerotic or they talk about, you know, the, their sex lives very proudly or, you know, publicly and in your sort of in your face.

14:05And then within seconds, if you stare at the dick too long, it's, what are you doing fag? Like all of a sudden the flip switches where there's like an appropriate time that you can look, but if you take it one second too, too long, you all of a sudden are gay. And it was super confusing because I'm sitting here like, wait, maybe other men, especially in this locker room are questioning or struggling with their sexuality too and then as soon as like that flicker of hope for me right it flipped to slurs and homophobia and I'm like okay never mind it's just me did you make those comments as well no I stayed completely away from that I kept my eyes locked on eyes at all times and I played it very I played it very safe because I just didn't want to give anybody a reason to come at me it's really was a mind fuck and you Never talked to anyone about it.

14:55No, I could. I honestly, I, I probably had people in my life that I could have trusted, but I didn't trust anybody or lean on anybody.

15:13Was there ever a moment in high school that you considered opening up to anyone? High school? No. College? Not really even college either. My thought process was always the next stage of my life. So it's like in high school, I didn't want to lose my scholarship. And then in college, I didn't want to lose a shot at being able to go pro. I didn't want to be a distraction. And then once pro, I didn't want to lose my job. And then after that, I had a lot going on and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. And then I signed up for the bachelor. And then after that, I didn't want to lose trust.

15:46I didn't want to lose. So it was just always my thought process was always going on to how is this going to affect me in my future? How do you define internalized homophobia? For me, it was not giving myself any space to explore my feminine side. It was not me giving myself any space to really experiment or emotionally connect with men. I say that because, you know, while I was closeted, I did experiment physically. But it was and still is even to this day. Like, I still talk to my therapist about this. you know, I did it just for pleasure. You know, I did it to get off and then back to my straight life.

16:28That was sort of how I did things. So there was a lot of internalized homophobia and shame after I did hook up with men and sit with it. And I was like, okay, that's wrong. Literally prayed and said, okay, I'm not going to do that again. And then, you know, I'd get horny two weeks later and it was a cycle. But that's like the type of homophobia that I was sort of, I sort of grew up in and around and that's all that I really knew so that's like when Gus Gus called me out in one of the first he's like that's just internalized homophobia and I was like oh wait you're right I am internally homophobic against myself and it I'm still I will say this I'm still shaking and catching myself at times I still have some homophobia internalized homophobia in me little hitches here and there where I'm like wait and how can you not Colton like you literally lived trying to suppress a natural feeling that you were having and like hating I'm assuming about yourself being like you said in your um series you're like I was literally praying the gay away like there were moments where I'm like please like let this be the moment that I can turn straight when you talk about hooking up with guys when was the first time that you had like a experience with a guy sexually when I was 21 and literally on my 21st birthday um but I will say this like I I only hooked up with guys when I was single.

17:52Like there was never times when I was in a committed relationship, you know, and I was not very educated either on risks sexually, like with HIV and anything gay I didn't look at. So I never even educated myself, which I know now to do better. And I've learned since coming out about all of that. But I want to make that clear, too. It's like there, you know, I didn't when I was growing up and when I was going through all of that I was making sure that I at least was trying to be as respectful not only to myself but whoever I was involved with at the time were you nervous that like picking people specifically so that like what if they told someone you know what I mean like was it people in college like how did you navigate that like were you terrified no well yes I was terrified being the bachelor because I was like oh my gosh now my face is plastered everywhere how old were you when you became the bachelor?

18:4526. I was, you were like, are these guys going to come forward? Totally. There was a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. And you know, I don't, I either got lucky or I was very careful. And to be honest with you, I don't, I don't care. I'll just tell you, but to be honest with you, a lot of the men that I hook up with were, I think straight in their real life too. They were all pretty closeted themselves. So I don't think there was any man that was going to be coming out to get me because they would be outing themselves as well and it wasn't like a ton of men yeah it was like a few that you know and they never had my real name they never it's how like how sort of scared and secretive it all was I remember your season I remember I watched it bachelor nation and I remember people tweeting being like I don't know if he's a virgin like fuck that like everyone go find like a chick that he's fucked and so it is fucking terrifying sometimes when you know like people will go to the end of the earth to find your shit and I can only imagine like did the bachelor people be like is there anything we need to know before you come on and did you have to look at them and be like no I've I'm a virgin like totally I was very very concerned and very worried I did hear a rumor though that one of the producers ended up finding out that I did hook up with a man, but kept it secret or took care of it.

20:11I don't know. I can't verify that. I mean, obviously that was terrifying too. And it's also, it was also for me hard because I felt like obviously a lot of shame, but then I also felt shame and lying and deceiving. Yeah. But then I couldn't really be honest to work through it with people. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do think if I would have been upfront and honest from the very beginning, people would have supported and been okay with it. I think some people would have had a lot to say too. and the other way around but it's like when you say like be honest it's like that's why i want people to watch your show because it's like this is something you've been carrying and people can call it a lie but like you've been carrying this part of yourself that you haven't been able to one explore or accept so how the fuck are people going to be judgmental of anyone's process of coming out like you literally were like you just said internalizing how much you hated a part of yourself that is like everyone sexually that's like our biggest coming of age moment when we're like in our teen years it's like how are we going to explore and the fact that you couldn't actually genuinely explore like yeah that's fucking hard in your new show coming out colton yes you go and you visit your coach yep tell me about your coach's response to you going and coming out to your high school coach well first like the reason i had the conversation with him is because i have so much love and respect for him.

21:37And I said it in there, like, he's like a second dad to me. Why did you love him? He was always in my corner and always there for me in the most obvious ways as me as a player, me as a, you know, the growth of me as a human being, could he have done better at certain, of course he could have. And that was sort of what I had to get off my chest to him of saying, like, it's frustrating because I love you and care for you so much and have so much to thank you for. Like you helped pay for my college education by allowing me to be such a good football player and having my back and talking to coaches for me.

22:10But there's also this big part of me that you didn't know that some things that you did and said and allowed your coaching staff and some of the players to say stuck with me. And I mean, as much as you want to sit there and be like, I'm frustrated for you for him. Yeah. It's much bigger than one singular person. He is a good man with a good heart. And I will always say that about about him but this is small town America through and through and this is locker rooms through and through there was an opportunity that I would have loved for him on camera to say hey I'm a coach I affect players and students on daily basis how can I help shift this narrative and he didn't do that but he did pick up the phone and call me later that night we spent two hours on the phone later that night which is unfortunate no but that is literally like helps clarify and I think that some listen someone that you look looked up to on camera his reaction was like pretty dull and like a little distant yeah and there was a part of me that also was like looking behind your head in the camera and seeing 60 plus kids on a field and half of them could be gay or struggling with their sexuality and it's like yeah that was such a missed opportunity and I know that's not either of your duty to like you go and talk to these kids but a part of me wanted him to be like let's reintroduce the real cult and like talk to these kids like that could really help one of them like what would you say if you had the chance to like stand in a locker room right now with those kids and be like let me change this culture for you well it's not going to be one person that changes it totally it's no matter what I said in that locker room I can't change it as one man you know it's a collective effort and it's conversations like this to help explain to people like what I went through like that program and that school hung its hat on me and my name for a while while I was playing there and while I was playing in college and even you know professionally they would you know this is where Colton played like that was said but would they still say that if they knew I was gay that was always my fear and my question I'll share this with you too because it's just happened yesterday.

24:22My small town is not very happy that I did this. They didn't know what it was about and they feel like it's not a great representation and they claim it's gotten better. I posted on my Instagram yesterday. I had people from Kenya, India, China, Japan, international people thanking me and saying the sports culture and the religion culture, those episodes really stuck with me. And then I'm scrolling through my messages and I see faggot with three clown emojis and I go to visit the kid's profile. It's a student from my town that goes to my high school and plays on our football team. I think I'm sharing that because it's, it's important because people in my town and people in small towns, like it's gotten better and we're inclusive.

25:04No, I'm in a position where I'm, I'm surrounded by love and I'm surrounded by a support system that that does not get to me, but I had to put trigger warning before I posted it. And then Instagram took it down, but I was like, how can he message me that? And you don't allow me to post this but anyway that affects people words hurt like words keep people in the closet and that's one student that maybe he said that to two or three kids maybe you know to your point out of those 60 kids maybe one or two of them are you know either bisexual trans or gay and maybe if the coaching staff and the captains of the I'm not going to put it all on the coaching staff I agree but the other teachers then i heard it from teachers i heard it from you know big father like figures in in our society and in our town but if they sort of put their foot down and said hey let's not do that it could help it could help because like you're a hot dude and you are white and you are privileged and so it's like the fact that you're using your platform not everyone gets a netflix series no you using your platform and showing people like this is my journey but you're not act you're not saying like mine is so so much harder than everyone's it's just shedding light on like yo this is what's happening and like let's start the conversation and keep it going and i'll say this off that because i see the criticism i know that people are upset that i'm i have white privilege and i got a series after coming out i couldn't imagine what it's like to be someone from an underprivileged area to have to come out and not only risk losing their football, but risk losing a house and food and money.

26:45Those are the real things. Are we to a point in society where we can pick and choose and compare traumas? I don't think we are yet. And that, that was never my goal too. And I never wanted to compare my trauma to anybody else. I just wanted to get my side out there and my story out there to say, Hey, this is what I've been through. and if people especially from Bachelor Nation will tune in and listen to me then I feel like I've done my part in starting the conversation and there's so much more I can do. So, okay, we're done with the locker room. Let's go on to The Bachelor. Yes.

27:30We're done with the locker room. Let's go on to The Bachelor. Yes. How did you end up on The Bachelorette? Well, after football, I was in a pretty public relationship. I got out of that, and I was going through a lawsuit with one of my former teams about my shoulder, and I just made the decision with my doctor that I couldn't play again. So I'm like, okay, well, I've been playing this for 17 years. Literally how I paid my bills, and now what? And I asked my dad, I said, hey, I just want a year off. like I I feel like I'm in a position I feel like I earned this like let me just take a year off don't judge me don't I just want to figure this out I asked for permission if I could take a year off and you know a lot of I'm so glad you said that though because a lot of my friends called me out for that because I always have to ask for approval I was like you have to realize I had a coach and multiple coaches that I had to get permission from for the my structure of my day my entire life all the way down to my classes so I always ask for permission yeah and my dad and I as you know from the series like we always more had a coaching relationship than we did father son so yes I asked my dad for permission at age 24 25 at the to take some time off and ended up doing some casting things before you knew it though like they had me in front of a camera out in LA testing me for all these things.

28:51So I was like, okay. And then at the same time though, I was like, thank God, this is my chance. I'm going to hide in plain sight, but also this is another way for me to convert myself to be straight. And that's truly, truly what I felt was like, this is great. I'm going to end up with a woman from the show. Now that you've also given us that background of like knowing I was gay, but having like sports to be like but I gotta go to the next thing I gotta go and so it kept prolonging you from maybe like fully leaning and be like how do I get in tune with self-acceptance the fact that then football ends was there any bit of panic or like that's immediately why you ran to be like all right what's the next thing because then totally like football ended and I have a college degree but I've never worked a day in my life like an actual job so I was like okay great I'm gonna go do this TV show.

29:42It's fun. Maybe, you know, something comes from this. And I have no problem saying this. I loved television. It was fun to share. It was fun to record. Sometimes I go back and forth with everybody who's like, cause the bachelor's famous thing is right reasons. Is he here for the right reasons? Nobody on this, everybody's here because they want to have a good time. And if finding love comes from it, then great. I think we can all hopefully stop with the smoke and mirrors from that now totally and just realize like hey we're here to have fun but why does it have to be one or the other as it has progressed like everyone's going on there to get instagram famous let's be call it what it is like it used to be that like let's go have fun like i don't know what i'm doing i'm in my 20s well for me i got to travel that i'll say this like i did i know it was going to give me instagram followers yes did i do it for that no i didn't it wasn't even that it wasn't yeah now i'm saying now it's really instagram heavy back i feel like for you guys it was fun and like use it to experience life I played football year-round so that was my first time on my bachelor season to go to Asia to travel like I did and to have the experience and to be honest with you it was really nice because that was the one thing I missed from football was the melting pot of cultures for me to be on a cast with men from different parts of the country gave me that familiarity that I had from football of being like okay we have this bond but you are so different than me you were born and raised completely different but like that's what I loved and missed from football was the dynamic at all though like a locker room like was there any homophobia no honestly no because well one Jason shared early on for my season his brothers were both gay or no his I'm sorry his brother was gay brother okay just one but is married so i like i think people and people knew that in the house too so i don't think there was even a chance for any you know yep homophobic things to go around but also i feel like in the entertainment industry more than the sports it's so common a lot of the producers that work on bachelor are gay there was never any moments in the house but i will say i was a little nervous and scared at times that somebody's gaydar would be really good around me And maybe it was and they didn't feel comfortable saying or asking anything.

31:55Was there ever on your end a feeling of like, fuck, like, I wish I was here to be dating these dudes and not like, and then you have this one woman that you're going to date. Like, how did you navigate being literally saturated by men again who are way more accepting than your former teammates? Totally. I mean did I find some of the the men not on my season attractive but maybe because I'm I was really really good at compartmentalizing like I was so good at telling myself you have a job to do this is what you're here for this is what's happening like just stay focused did I find some of the like producers attractive yes did I find you know obviously I can find people attractive never acted on any of that never did or made advances or moves or anything like that I was so good at compartmentalizing my life and i just knew that obviously i'm here on a show that right is looking for my wife yeah so this is what i have to do i cringe now even looking back at some of like how good i was at manipulating situations and compartmentalizing but i've been doing it since i was six yeah like and i don't think you should cringe though colton because it's how you survived yeah like until i almost didn't i mean that's truly it sounds terrible but like that was my survival mechanism all the way to the point of self-harm and as i think you know now like how many people in the community are like same so it's like it's something that needs to change socially and culturally rather than you shouldn't feel shame that's literally how so many people have lived so so you're on bachelorette and i need to understand your mentality of like so you genuinely were like if i am the last one like i'm gonna marry this person and like, yeah, uh, yes and no.

33:44Okay. I'll, I'll never discount my relationships with women because it's true. I had feelings and I was attracted to females too. I know that's sometimes hard for people to understand or get, I think there was always a hesitation for me and I liked the safe play. I mean, obviously you saw that conversation with Onyeka too of like, I just, oh totally don't get me wrong i would have known in a second eaten i love the idea of a super strong woman who's there to call me on my bullshit but at the same time being a closeted man having to navigate that that also scared the shit out yeah that didn't work at the time no now you can surround yourself with them but at the time you're like who's gonna just like hang and chill and not be like why are you being weird that's why professionally now my team is literally a bunch of strong badass ass women and also like they're loving and nurturing and weirdly not catty or competitive or egotistical it's just yeah I'm finding out like the balance of masculine and feminine there's pros and cons to both but at the end of the day y 'all y 'all got the upper hand I'll just say that I love it thank you so you get eliminated and have you talked to Becca since um not since coming out to be honest with you I distanced myself from the franchise pretty heavily just because around this I just went through a lot mentally like my struggles and asked for help from them didn't get it and just there was a lot of bad blood on my end and their end it just it was not a healthy relationship so I really distanced myself from that franchise completely you get eliminated yeah did you even know immediately you were going to potentially be the bachelor I think I had an idea after like paradise just because like there was those conversations of you know the typical entertainment industry of like we need to continue your story like you can't go from getting broken up with you need to go and talk to tia now right and then from there your story art can go here like i know there's like this bubble that america wants to think the bachelor operates in but like let's be real too there's very real moments of course but the entire like you don't walk into like this magical fairy like i obviously hope people understand that but then also like there has to be drama there has to be give and take there and like I think honestly that's sort of why I got the gig is because I was very transparent my meetings of being like look let's make a good show but at the end of the day like this is what I need and I'm asking from you guys and like that's business that's life too right everyone can relate to at least this like when you all of a sudden tell a lie and then all of a sudden it's spiraling and you're like wait it wasn't meant to get this big because all of it was like the virgin bachelor it was a spider web of lies and yeah every time did you read that art like headline of yourself were you sick yeah at first I had no choice but to lean into it yeah because that's sort of what the network literally was marketing me as and then I started getting sick of it and fighting it because no matter what my explanation was like there was there was like after I came out I just wish I would have been like, I'm questioning my sexuality.

36:54Does that, does that satisfy your answer of why I'm a virgin? Like I didn't want to go there with women because I didn't know if this was in my cards. I had prayed and hoped and wished that it would be, but I didn't know. And there just was not that room. And I don't think it would have been well received if I did. Yeah. I remember watching it and people would always be like, so why are you a virgin? And you're like, I'm Christian. And, um, you know, just my, I didn't have time because I was an athlete that was literally one of my answers and I was like oh my gosh people are actually buying like buying the athlete thing totally okay so you become the bachelor yeah bring me in your head in that moment I honestly I was thanking God it's a sound so crazy but I remember like when I got the call I remember I was playing a pickup game of basketball and they called me like hey you are gonna be on a plane to New York this afternoon and we're gonna announce you tomorrow as a bachelor and on the way home, driving home to pack my suitcase, I was literally praying and saying, thank you Lord for making me straight.