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Call Her Daddy Podcast Episode Notes: Doom Scrolling is Ruining Your Life
Episode Overview In this episode of *Call Her Daddy*, Alex Cooper dives into the concept of doom scrolling and its impact on mental health, especially anxiety and restlessness. She provides insights from her therapist, shares personal experiences, and discusses various relationship issues, including setting boundaries with in-laws and rebuilding trust after infidelity.
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Key Themes
Doom Scrolling and Its Effects
- Definition: Doom scrolling refers to the act of consuming a large quantity of negative news or social media content, leading to feelings of anxiety and overstimulation.
- Mental Exhaustion: Alex expresses the struggle of falling asleep due to an overactive mind filled with worries and stressors that surface at night.
- Therapist's Insights:
- Constant stimulation (like social media) is a stress response and a way to avoid confronting personal thoughts.
- This behavior leads to a freeze state, where short-term relief is experienced, but long-term anxiety increases.
The Culture of Overstimulation
- Rot Culture: The phenomenon where people believe they are resting while engaging in multiple screens or activities, ultimately leading to more anxiety.
- Sundays as a Reset: The notion of using Sundays to actually reset and recharge instead of overloading with stimulation.
Therapy Strategies for Resetting
- Challenge: Alex shares a challenge her therapist posed: complete one task in silence to allow thoughts to surface and process stress.
- Personal Experience: After practicing silence during mundane tasks, she noticed improvements in her mental clarity and anxiety levels.
- Tangible Tips:
- Allocate time for quiet reflection during daily activities.
- Reduce background noise when completing tasks.
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Relationship Dynamics
Navigating In-Law Boundaries
- Challenge: A listener's in-laws attempted to merge their family vacation with the couple's honeymoon.
- Advice: Set clear boundaries as a united couple, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing the honeymoon without compromise.
Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity
- Listener's Situation: A woman grapples with her husband's emotional infidelity, feeling insecure about their sex life and anxious about future trust.
- Recommendations:
- Couples therapy is essential to address deep-seated issues.
- Focus on rebuilding trust before intimacy, emphasizing that infidelity is never justified.
Male-Female Friendships
- Advice to a Caller: A listener feels uncomfortable with her boyfriend's friendship with a girl who disrespects her.
- Key Points:
- Partners should prioritize their significant others and set boundaries against disrespectful friendships.
- Communication is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
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Final Thoughts
- Reflection on Technology and Social Media: Alex encourages listeners to be mindful of their media consumption, recognizing that it often leads to anxiety rather than relaxation.
- Call to Action: Listeners are encouraged to embrace moments of silence and practice mindfulness in their daily lives to foster better mental health.
Closing Remarks Alex concludes by inviting listeners to submit questions for future episodes and expresses her excitement for upcoming guests and discussions.
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Key Takeaways
- Limit Overstimulation: Combat doom scrolling by allowing moments of silence in your day.
- Set Boundaries in Relationships: Prioritize your mental health and your partner’s needs in friendships and family dynamics.
- Engage in Therapy: Professional guidance can help navigate complex emotional landscapes, especially after betrayal.
Stay connected with Call Her Daddy for more insightful discussions and personal growth strategies!
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Okay, Daddy Gang, welcome back to another cozy Sunday session. It is officially fall. I am so, so happy that we have finally made it here. This is my favorite time of year. I have pulled out all of my favorite sweaters. I'm basically only wearing the fuzzy Henry Crocs collab. If you guys haven't shopped them, they're actually the coziest slippers that you'll ever own. I am drinking tea. I'm rewatching Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy. Life is good. Kind of. Kind of. I was thinking about it. I don't know about you guys, but as fun as this time of year is. I feel like once you really hit stride at this time of year, we kind of all go into this full on sprint to the holidays and work just gets crazy.
0:51Everyone's trying to get as much as possible done before the new year. And we kind of start mentally preparing for all of the family time coming up, which, you know, we love, but it's also a lot. And I've definitely been feeling it also on top of all of the craziness of life lately, I wanted to talk about something that I have been struggling with, which I usually don't struggle with, which is I have been having the hardest time falling asleep. There is no one that loves sleep more than me. And once I'm in the REM, your girl is gone. But from the moment I lay down, I feel like I have just been tossing and turning for hours, I also try everything, okay?
1:35I'm flipping my pillow, I'm adjusting the temperature, turning on a sound machine, I'm doing breathing exercises, I've downloaded like the calm apps that make you breathe in for five seconds, breathe out for five seconds, like nothing is helping. And it just feels like as soon as I'm trying to lay down and sleep, my brain suddenly goes into overdrive and it feels like my mind is almost like saving every single worry for that exact moment. My to-do list, my work stress, the text that I never responded to last week, like even random things in that moment hit me. I'm like, am I being a good friend lately?
2:15Like, when is the last time that I called my sister? Like all of these thoughts are just racing through my head. And then if that wasn't bad enough, then the double anxiety kind of kicks in because now I'm just stressed that I'm not sleeping. And I'm like, I've got to be up early. I have work in the morning. Like I need energy tomorrow. If I don't sleep now, I'm completely fucked. And then I just start spiraling and stressing myself out more. And it is so infuriating because all while this is happening, all while I'm just at peak stress in my life, I turn my head over and my husband, the minute his head hits the pillow, this man is asleep.
2:52Matt and I have had multiple nights where I'm stressed and we're having conversations and I'm like, no, babe. And like, I just feel blah, blah, blah. And he's like, totally, totally. And I'm like, and you know what? Another thing. And all of a sudden I hear and I'm like, how is he snoring? We were just mid conversation. He's gone. Matt's gone. He has the easiest time going to bed. I'm like, aren't you stressed? And he's like, yeah, but we'll just like deal with it tomorrow. Deal with it tomorrow. We've got to solve every single problem right now. Or at least that's what my body is telling me. And this has just been going on for a while.
3:24I guess it's always happened in my life, but it's really, I feel like been exacerbated recently. And so naturally, whenever I'm having a problem in my life, in my life that I can't solve, I usually go to my therapist, right? Because she's smarter than me, wiser than me, and she has all the answers. And so what she said really hit me. And so I feel like I need to share with all of you because I imagine a lot of you are watching and listening to this and saying, oh, baby girl, baby girl, I'm dealing with the same thing, Alex. Like we are one in the same, sweetheart. What's the solve, bitch? So my therapist asked me, when during your day do you let your mind cycle through all of these thoughts?
4:09And, you know, it dawned on me and I was like, um, yeah, no, I don't. I don't. During my day, I fill every single second with noise. The first moment of silence I feel like I get in my days are when my head hits the pillow at night. During the workday, I'm slammed going from meeting to meeting. And then the second I have downtime, I find myself scrolling on social media or throwing on music or a podcast. My therapist said, yeah, Alex, this is extremely common, which is why I want to talk about it today because I figured I am not the only one that is dealing with this. So basically what she said is that needing constant stimulation is actually a stress response.
4:52It is your body going into avoidance mode. And the way she explained it to me is that in moments where you're feeling anxious or you're feeling overwhelmed, it's easier to just overstimulate your nervous system so that you can avoid those feelings, which is such a, I guess, an obvious concept, but also sounds so backwards. Like, wait, I'm stressed, so I'm just gonna add a bunch of shit onto my plate. And it's like, no, it's that all the external noise allows you to put off actually engaging with your own thoughts. Like, let me know if this sounds like you. You have a podcast on when you get ready in the morning, music for your walks, TV running constantly in the background, even during mundane tasks like you doing the dishes, you have to have some type of background noise on, or maybe you put off doing the dishes entirely because you lost track of time because you were scrolling.
5:44and my therapist explained to me that this is a freeze state. Being in a freeze state usually feels great in the short term because you're just avoiding everything that's stressing you out but in the long run, it just makes that stress so much worse. I feel like Sundays for me are a perfect example of this issue. Like all week you tell yourself, okay, I'm gonna have the perfect Sunday reset day to just get everything done. I'm going to clean out my closet. I'm going to call my mom back. I'm going to finally get my car washed. And then Sunday rolls around and you're exhausted from the week. So instead of doing all this, you just rot.
6:26And you guys, I think rock culture may be ruining our lives. We spend countless hours on a Sunday on the couch and we'll have three screens going at once. Instagram on your phone, a show on the TV and online shopping on your laptop. We convince ourselves that this is resting. I'm relaxed. I'm in heaven right now. But what my therapist has now pointed out is that we are actually just over stimulating our nervous system and making ourselves more anxious. Again, in the short term, it doesn't feel like we're anxious, but later down at night or whenever it hits you, because it always hits you, you're like, why am I so anxious?
7:03And it's like, babe, because you're fucking overstimulating yourself, honey. And then when Sunday night hits, yeah, the Sunday scaries are going to really sink in because you've wasted your whole fucking day. And then Monday comes around and instead of feeling refreshed, you feel so much worse, if anything. So we're all like, OK, this is not helping me, Alex. I'm getting anxiety right now. listen, I asked my therapist for tangible help to break this cycle. And she gave me a challenge, which I love a challenge. She basically said, put one task on my to-do list and complete it in silence. And so I would say now for the past two months on my Sundays, I have been cleaning out my closet in complete silence.
7:55And I'll be honest, normally on those Sunday activities, I will, first of all, I usually end up just skipping it and rotting, or I'm doing it with extreme external stimulation so that I can kind of zone out, right? I will literally be on TikTok scrolling, fixing my closet, and then walking back, and then scrolling again because the TikTok I've listened to five times because I was in the middle of fucking folding something, and I'm like, oh my God, I need to go to the next thing. And it's like, why don't you just turn off your fucking phone and keep it fucking moving and just clean your closet, Alex.
8:27And I'm not going to lie. At first it was really tough. My brain was craving noise and I definitely had the urge to just like put on a TV show and listen to music and be scrolling on TikTok. And then once I pushed through that, something, yeah, it did shift. And I realized I was actually present with what I was doing. What a fucking concept. My mind actually started to cycle through all the thoughts that usually hit me when I lay down in bed at night, but I actually began to process the stress that I had been unconsciously avoiding. And then I was cleaning my closet and I was like, oh my gosh, I have to respond to this person.
9:12I'm going to do that after this. And then I started actually making a to-do list while I was doing that. I'm like, oh my God, I'm being so productive. Like when you stop pumping your brain with constant simulation, you give your nervous system a chance to rest. And at first it's uncomfortable. Boredom creeps in. All of us that are growing up on the internet are just like, when's my next hit? How many people have literally opened Instagram or opened TikTok and then you close it and then you open it five seconds later and you're like, wait, wasn't I just on this app? It's like all of these apps are obviously making us feel like we need to constantly get that dopamine hit.
9:43And it just keeps your anxiety looping and it just kicks on and your mind starts to wander and to race and be like, oh my God, I need that constant hit, hit, hit. But if you stay with it and you realize slowly that when you let yourself get off of that train, your brain is starting to slowly catch up. And at first you're like tweaking out because you're like, oh my God, I need my hit. But then it's like, no, no, no. Keep sitting in silence. Keep cleaning in silence. Keep relaxing, whatever it be. And then all of a sudden you're giving your mind a chance to actually clear itself out. and so after I now clean my closet weirdly I feel calm and then I I remember one of the first times that I did this where I cleaned my entire closet with no other stimulation just my thoughts and then I ended up avoiding social media altogether for the rest of the day because I wanted to continue to feel that good and that lack of anxiety and I knew the minute I opened social media, it would all just start again.
10:48And when I laid down in bed that night, it felt so much easier to fall asleep. And I have now been doing this for a little bit and I will literally tell you guys my life has changed. And so if this is something that you've been struggling with, you don't need to do a total life overhaul, daddy gang. You have to just start with like recognizing. The next time you're doom scrolling, say to yourself, I'm not actually relaxing right now. And just accept that. Nothing about social media is relaxing. Maybe, maybe if you're watching the ASMR videos where it's like AI and they're like cutting like random stuff.
11:24But other than that, it's so overstimulating. You're not actually relaxing. And so my therapist also suggested finding little moments of quiet throughout the day where you allow your thoughts to surface. so for example maybe you're going to do your makeup without music next time maybe you can eat a meal without turning on netflix or having your face in your phone while you're eating the entire time and you're scrolling or what a crazy concept because i know i am the first offender of this maybe you can brush your teeth without scrolling on tiktok no you guys every time i'm brushing my teeth in the past.
12:04I'm like, and it's like, stop, just stop it. Life without oversimulation starts to feel so much better. I'm telling you, it feels horrible at first. And you're like, and then all of a sudden, like mundane tasks, stop being things to zone out and to get through. And they actually become moments that you're able to be actually present with yourself and your thoughts. I've been doing this for a while now. And I'll be honest, I have never felt more clarity. I feel smarter. I feel happier. I literally picked up a book the other night and I only touched my phone to set my alarm. Like I wasn't, I didn't even check my social media.
12:42I think this was the, actually that was the week that I uploaded the Kim Kardashian episode. And I was like, I'm not even going to look at my phone. Like it'll be there in the morning. It will be there during work hours. If I have to check of what everyone's saying, like I'm going to read this book. And when you give your nervous system a chance to actually function the way it's supposed to, you end up feeling calmer, you sleep better, and you have more energy. It's really not that complicated, but it has become because our society and our culture is just so obsessed with overstimulating and social media and all the things.
13:16So if you're not sure where to start, do not worry. I also ask my therapist to put together like, what is a simple Sunday reset that we can all do together. And so here's what she shared. First, she said to start your Sunday doing something that you actually enjoy. And try to, honestly, it shouldn't just be Sundays. Like if you can, try to do this every fucking day. And obviously you could start with Sundays and then ease in, but now I'm not a morning person and I usually have to get up for work around 7 a.m. And recently I have been getting up at 6 a.m., which is actually the most insane thing.
13:50Like you couldn't pay me, pay me. to get up if I didn't have it. Like I'm usually getting up, put my makeup on, go to the office. And now I give myself about an hour to just do something that I like, whether it's having my coffee, go on a walk with my dogs, do my 10 step skincare routine, like whatever it is, start your morning with something that you actually like to do. Anything that gets you excited to get out of bed and leaves you feeling pretty refreshed without just staring at your phone in bed. Right. That's I think most of us wake up in the morning and we're like, let's check our phones and it's like what if we just don't because guess what most work hours you don't have to be checking your phone at 6am right like I don't have to check my phone at 6am but I just do it so then I start my stress earlier no no this is an hour of peace and fucking quiet for me okay and then once you do that and you start your morning with something like that then and this may sound a little I don't know not corny but like it just may sound like Alex I don't need to do that.
14:49Trust me, do this because I've done it. You're going to start by writing out a to-do list and you're going to rank what you need to get done in order of most to least important and begin with the first one, even if it is the hardest. That way, even if you don't finish everything on the list, you made progress on the most important item. Obviously bonus points if you do it without even background noise and you just do it in your own thoughts. And then the second you start to feel burnt out on the to-do list, totally stop for the day. I'm not saying you're going to put yourself to work, honey. Now that we're going to stop being overstimulated, I'm going to make you bitches work.
15:25No, no, no. But we want to be productive in a way that is also somehow relaxing. And so the minute you feel like, okay, this is too much. I'm stressed. The rest of the afternoon doesn't need to be productive. Just do something that feels relaxing to you. Maybe it's reading a book outside. Take a freaking bath, okay? And then Sunday night, do not late night scroll, put your phone down an hour before bed. And if you find yourself lying awake in an anxiety spiral, this is the best advice I can give you. Do not stay in bed and suffer. Keep the lights dim. But obviously, I think this is actually, no, it's not an obvious.
16:02Get out of bed, make tea, grab a book or a journal, and then move to the couch. And then just wait for your body to relax before trying to go back to sleep again. There is nothing worse than when you are laying in bed being like, oh my God, oh my God, it's now 1 a.m., it's 2 a.m., oh my God, it's 2.30, I still am not asleep. It's like, no, no, no, no. If you're relaxed, that's half the battle. So don't lay there and just stress the fuck out the whole night. So now when I am tossing and turning at night, I will get out of bed. And the problem with me, which I wish Matt had the same problem so we could be up at night together, but I feel my most creative at nighttime.
16:39I've always been a night owl and I will come up with podcast ideas or episode ideas or questions for my next interview or whatever it be. And I'm like, babe, it's 3am. Like we don't need to be thinking about the episode, but I am. And so what I've found is if I'm feeling creative, I write everything down that's bouncing around in my head on a piece of paper. So as soon as I have that down, I know I'm not going to stress about forgetting it in the morning, but I also am not looking at my phone because the light is going to fuck with you and it's going to keep you up. And then once I get my creative out, I let my mind just rest knowing that I'm going to deal with these things in time, but now just like chill.
17:18A lot of times I've been picking up a book at night and reading, obviously not something that's like a fricking page turner. Like I'm not trying to read twilight at night. You know what I mean? Cause like who could put that down? Um, you're looking for just a chill book that is relaxing and kind of makes you fall asleep, something that you're not too invested in. So I don't know. I think the major takeaway from today is that it is time to stop trying to rot all of our problems away. Avoiding and overstimulating isn't helping. It's just making the anxiety worse. And if you can actually sit with what is making us anxious or stressed, then we will feel so much better in the long run.
17:57So the next time that you go to play music or the second you start getting ready and you wanna start scrolling on social media when you're already watching a movie at the same time, I just challenge you to catch yourself and check in on what you might actually be avoiding. So please write in and let me know if this was helpful at all. And maybe if you've seen this show up in your life, I know it's definitely something that I'm gonna continue to work on. It's easy to fall back into just grabbing your phone. Guys, I don't know the last time I've watched a movie and not looked at my phone. and so Matt and I now if we're having movie nights we literally leave our phone in the other room because I'm like I don't want to live this way we're like I'm not even present to watch a movie anymore like what be intentional about when you're picking that fucking device up okay um so yeah that's just my little rant and I hope that was helpful and I hope I didn't stress any of you out but just know like you're not alone.
18:53And I think, I don't know, I think we're really fortunate that a lot of us millennials are in a position where we did experience life before being addicted to our phones. I think I got a phone in like sixth grade, which was early for my siblings had to wait till eighth. But of course, being the baby, I was like, I need one. And social media and MySpace and Facebook and all the things like I loved that time in my life and I also love this time in my life but I do think a lot of it is about accountability where like I see so many people you know post online being like I just wish so bad that we didn't have social media and I forget I think my mom said this to me the other day she was like you realize that you're just making an active choice if you're getting stressed out by looking at social media you can stop it's like a newsletter?
19:46If you don't subscribe, it's not there. What if you just like delete the app from your phone? You literally won't know. You won't even know what's happening. You won't be comparing yourself. You won't be looking at these things. You won't be feeling behind. Just turn it off and live in your actual life. Because the biggest fear I think these generations are going to start to have is like, oh my God, I lived my whole life staring at this thing. And then I have nothing to show for it. You have nothing to show for any of this time. How many times have you, I've done it where I've saved so many recipes that I'm like, oh my God, that looks so gorgeous.
20:21I've made, I think one fucking recipe in my whole life from TikTok. Like unless you're going to actively implement all of these things into your real life, then you are just like, it's like this voyeuristic passive consumerism that like, I genuinely think is so, so, so toxic daddy gang and go outside, talk to your friends like I had this thing the other month where I was feeling so much anxiety and Matt doesn't have social media so he was like babe let's go on a walk with our dogs and let's live in our actual this is our real life this is our family like this is real life and anything that you've been watching online that's stressing you out if you literally don't look at it it literally doesn't exist like none of this can affect you and I was like oh you're so fucking right.
21:07So perspective is obviously super important and, um, yeah, just be easy on yourselves. And I think slow and steady of just weaning off of this shit. Cause it truly is. I mean, I can't even imagine gen alpha, like it's going to become a full addiction. So let's try to not be addicted because at some point it's like, it is on you. We can't, we can't, what was the fucking school of rock thing? Like stick it to the man. Okay. Well, we, we can't, it's happening. So what are we going to do about it? We're going to have some self-fucking-control, daddy gang. Okay. Enough about the world and how depressing it is.
21:45And I figured that we should go to Paris because I feel like going to Paris this time of year is probably the most magical. I don't think I've ever been to Paris during the fall, but I've been to London. And darling, there's nothing nothing more cozy than going to London during the holidays. So let's go to London. Let's go to France. Let's go to Paris. And let's answer some questions of the motherfucking week. Here we go.
22:34Okay, question number one. Hi, Alex. My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for two years, and lately his group of friends has become a problem. He hangs out with two guys and one girl. This girl has always been rude to me, but she hangs out with these boys all the time, even late night drinking beers. She's just a weird vibe, and it surprises me he is friends with her. She's not a girl's girl and always likes attention from guys. She makes comments about how she misses my boyfriend when he visits me. I have a gut feeling about her, But when I communicated this to my boyfriend, he told me that I needed to stop talking shit about her because she is his friend and that's never going to change.
23:08And then I need to calm down. What do I do? Break up with your boyfriend. Excuse me. Here's the thing. Male-female friendships. Yeah, it's going to be a no when it's handled like this for me. I'm not someone that's immature being like, you can't have girlfriends if you're a guy, or you can't have boys as friends if you're a girl and you're in a relationship. That's not what I'm saying. But the minute your partner is at all putting the other person above you and your needs and making you feel comfortable, then no, you can't have the opposite sex friends, okay? Because you clearly aren't mature enough to handle how things need to go.
23:53The fact that your boyfriend is watching another woman treat you like shit and it's his friend and he's not putting a stop to it. If anything, he's making you feel insecure and he's being like, you need to just get used to it. You need to get used to being fucking single if that's how you're going to fucking act. Do you care more about her? Do you love her more than me? I just think anyone in a relationship, if your partner is making you feel like, you know, this person's so important to me and you need to get it together. And even though they're being mean to you, like suck it up. No, literally, no, I don't want to do that.
24:28I don't want to be treated like a piece of shit. And if I am being treated like a piece of shit, guess what is all I expect? I don't expect the world to be nice to me. I don't expect anyone to be nice to me, but I at least damn well expect my fucking partner to champion for me and show up for me and defend me. And meanwhile, you're her number one fan. You're my haters. Number one fan. Make it make sense. so my advice to you is oh this is fucking tough um I think you need to have a conversation with him I think that you need to be honest and say like I am extremely extremely hurt because I constantly feel like in moments where I'm being objectively treated poorly by this girl you have her back and I don't know where I fit into this equation and maybe I don't fit into the equation anymore maybe this is kind of the end of the road for us because I need someone to be in a relationship with me that actually fucking respects me.
25:18And if he can't handle the conversation, then he is prioritizing this female friendship over you. And that's not okay, but that's also girl. That's again, where we have autonomy over our own lives. That's the beauty of being like, then you can make the decision to not be in a relationship with someone that treats you as less than than another woman in his life. Period. Done. End of statement. Also, I remember. So when I moved to Los Angeles, this, Matt is from LA and I didn't really know anyone here. And he had a lot of friends because everyone he went to high school with was, is here. All of his childhood friends are here.
25:53And he has a couple childhood female friends. And the way that Matt went about introducing me, giving me context of their relationship, making me feel included when we've gone to dinners or lunches with them. I now am so close to those women because of the way that Matt has treated me around them and has treated them around me. But also we have had a couple where women are rude to me or whatever. And Matt has distanced himself because he's just like, no, this is my wife and I have no interest. And it wasn't just when I became his wife. He has done that even when we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
26:31And I think that is obviously, I hate to even say that's attractive because that should just be a fucking prerequisite in a relationship. You stick up for your fucking partner and if someone's being rude to your partner, then you are like, no. That's like, that's the people I can't be friends with and they're like, oh, well, they didn't do it to me. Oh, really, Katie? Really, Katie? She didn't do it to you too? Okay, well, she did it to me. So maybe have a little bit of a fucking backbone. You're my friend, stick up for me. And it's like, but they didn't do it to me. So I don't know. That's not someone I wanna be friends with And that's definitely not someone I want to be in a relationship and sleeping with.
27:09Daddy gang. I mean, I could do a whole fucking episode and let me know because I feel like this is like a common problem. But let me know if you guys want to ever want me to ever do an episode on male female friendships when you're in a relationship and how to navigate those dynamics, because why do I feel like these men are fucking acting out? They always are. OK, next question. my in-laws are trying to merge their week-long family vacation with what the fuck with our long-awaited honeymoon in Italy yeah girl you got some fucking horrible boundary issues with your in-laws you're so fucked so she goes we booked everything a year ago and already shared the dates but they've gone ahead and made plans to join us without even asking I'm sorry this isn't funny but it's like funny um how do I set boundaries with them without causing family drama fresh in my marriage.
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27:59Okay. To validate you, this is beyond messed up. Do they also want to fucking do a conjoint room at your wedding? Do they want to do like an in suite situation where your rooms connect? Like, are you, hello? Hello? Um, this is messed up and you need to use this opportunity to set boundaries as a united emphasis on united, a united marriage front against his family. You cannot be the one that's leading this. If anything, he should be the one that is speaking the most up about this because I agree. Listen, with in-laws, it is so fucking difficult. I have so many friends that have dealt with a lot of, a lot of dynamics.
28:41I've, of course, dealt with dynamics too. And it's like, you need to be a united front. And if your partner isn't seeing how fucking weird this is, that's a first issue you need to discuss with your partner. but then you need to go as a united front. If anything, he should be like three steps forward because it's his fucking family and need to be sharing with his family. Hey, mom and dad, we love you so much, but this is our honeymoon and we aren't going to be spending time with you guys on that because we've booked this and this has been a plan, but we would love to do a family vacation another time.
29:12My biggest point of advice though, when this conversation is happening is there is no negotiation, okay? You are telling them that this honeymoon has been planned and you will not be seeing them at any point during this trip. Because if you give a fucking inch and say, okay, maybe we'll grab dinner one night, then the boundaries are gone. And so I know that that may be difficult at first because you're like, but is it insane for us to not see them? No, babe, it's not. It's your honeymoon. A honeymoon is a time for you and your partner to celebrate your relationship and to enjoy what you just fucking consecrated.
29:55Is that the word? Consecrated the marriage? Yeah. So go consecrate it on the fucking table, in the bed, on the shower, in the bathroom. And when your fucking in-laws are sharing a conjoined room with you, it ain't so sexy. Okay. You tell Jared, if you want me to put on that fucking lingerie, I have multiple colors. I have the fucking underwear that has the slit where my labia is open so you can stick your fucking dick up there. But I won't be putting that on, Jared. If you can't get your fucking mother-in-law, Hagrid, no, Helga, if Helga can't get it together and fucking Bruno, Helga and Bruno are your in-laws, just so you know.
30:32Jared is your partner and you are Victoria, okay? You're sexy. You're ready for the fucking lips out. You're ready to go. But if Jared can't tell Helga and fucking Bernard that you're done, we're not seeing you. We'll see you back in the States, buddy. Oh, he's going to be fucking giving himself a ribbon tug and you're going to go on a fucking honeymoon that you paid for and bring your girlfriend and tell him to go on the fucking family vacation with his fucking family. You can do none of that, by the way. So none of that's going to happen. but that you know it's kind of like the scene in movies where like they like envision what what it would be like if they were able to do that yeah that's the vision but no yeah you're not doing any of that you're having an honest conversation with your in-laws with your partner leading the charge now daddy gang if you want me to do a more in-depth in uh episode and you guys write in all questions about how to handle in-law dynamics you know write in and i'll try my best because you can see.
31:33There's just something that I don't have a tolerance for, which is when people can't respect boundaries. Boundaries are not something that you are asking people to like, I'm asking you to do all these. No, no, no. I'm asking you to understand that I am doing something and I want you to respect that I am setting this boundary. All you're asking really when you set a boundary is for someone to respect you and that. And when they can't give you that, when they can't give you that you want to just go on your honeymoon alone together. Yeah. Something weird's going on there. Honestly, it's giving, it's giving a lot of things that I don't need to get into, but yeah, you've got your work cut out for you on that one, but good luck.
32:27And I'm here if you want to follow up. Um, okay. Next, next question. Hi, Alex. I'm in my senior year of college and can finally go to bars with my roommates now that we're 21. Love that for you so much, sweetie. Also love how you didn't cut corners and you didn't get a fake ID like me freshman year. Maybe it's so fun to like wait to the end. You know, I love that for you. Also your liver is probably thriving or maybe you were just drinking but not going to bars. Anyways, okay. So one of my roommates has a really bad habit of ditching us as soon as she runs into other people that she knows. She will even completely rearrange plans to wait for other people or tell us that if we want to leave, we can, but she's staying with her other friends.
33:11I can't help but feel a little hurt when she continuously ditches us to spend time with friends. She seems to think are cooler. How do I tell her that it really sucks when she leaves our group behind, especially because she's the one who plans most of our outings to begin with. Okay, I mean, I could see how this would be annoying, but the fact that she is the one who makes the plans for your outings in the first place kind of just makes me think that she's that kind of girl that's like, we all have that connector friend. You know what I mean? Like we all have that friend who is bopping around and knows everyone and doing all the things.
33:47And I think you kind of maybe need to reestablish your expectations when you're going out with her, because on one hand, I think that's probably why you love her. Right. Like, it sounds like she's giving you all these incredible plans. And I get that it's annoying that she's going and veering off, but she's starting the nights with you guys. and so I think maybe that's probably why she's able to bring you guys to all these places I don't know she could be also a bitch I don't fucking know but my gut says as frustrating as it may be to occasionally feel like second place in her lineup I think that you kind of have to just own that this is what you're going to get when you go with her plans and so two options number one start making your own plans and invite her and then that way it's like your plans this is your turf.
34:35And if she ends up leaving you guys, you don't care because you made the plans, but it seems like you actually really like going the places that she's bringing you. I think the other thing that I'm taking from this is thank God you're not, it sounds like you're not the only friend, right? I would have a complete different scenario and reaction if you were telling me that she was bringing you out and she was begging you to come out with her and it was just the two of you. And then she's fucking gone. You know, that's just not the vibe. Like you're like, hey, Eliana, like I literally came out with you and I'm by myself in the corner and all these fucking freaks are just now like trying to flirt with me and talk to me and I have no fucking friend next to me to make sure that I'm not getting fucking roofied and getting carried away tonight.
35:12Like, hello, come back to me. That would be like you got to sit this motherfucker down and tell her like this is girl code, bitch. You can't just fucking desert me. But it seems like you have a group with you. So it kind of feels like I think you need to decide what socially you want. Are you loving her plans, but you just don't like that she doesn't give you all the attention. I think maybe, I think maybe you just have to recalibrate the dynamic overall, because this is obviously a very, like a more niche question, but to broaden it out to anyone that is listening who has struggled with, you know, maybe the friend who is a little too friendly.
35:50Like it's, it's a more like surface level situation where you're like, you come out with us, but then you ditch us. I think, I think we have to stop looking too much into that kind of stuff. Clearly this person, whether they're going through something or they really like this and who knows, maybe she'll be a fucking like publicist one day. Like this is just her personality. And instead of fixating in letting it fuck up all your nights when a friend is like that. You need to stop putting so much weight on friends when you're going out. If they consistently are letting you down, then it's on you at some point to recognize if you are let down this Saturday night because she does it again, then shame on you.
36:36You know what I mean? Like you can't continue to be like, it just sucks that she keeps doing this. Well, she's telling you who she is. so put on your fucking glasses honey and look at the situation um but yeah no I could see how that sucks but I think it's just you gotta just you gotta own it that like this is who she is okay next
37:17hi Alex so your recent episode sex after the honeymoon stage couldn't have come at a better time a few weeks ago I found out that my husband was sexting one of his co-workers I'm so sorry Like I, I actually can't imagine. I was absolutely devastated. We have a three-year-old and an 18-month-old. Jesus Christ. Okay. Which makes it even more complicated. After months of trying to figure out what he did, he basically said that he felt like I didn't want him because I never wanted to have sex. We obviously have been so busy with having two kids in two years that our relationship definitely was put on the back burner.
37:51We're working through it because I'm choosing to believe there was no physical cheating happened, which he swears it didn't. But now I live in fear that if there is another sex rut, he might cheat. What can I do about this? Okay, before I go into all of the things that are coming to my mind to give you advice on, you need to go into couples therapy. This is too big of a trauma wound that you will not be able to genuinely recover from this on your own because the two people that are going to be working to help recover this are the person that hurt and the person that's hurt. And you guys are not, he's, if he genuinely is honest and earnest about trying to make this work again, he is going to be coming from a slightly defensive place where he's like, I need you to trust me again.
38:40You're coming from a not trusting place because you're like, how can I trust you? You need a third party who is clinically trained to handle this. Once you get into couples therapy, my first bit of advice is you need to rebuild trust before you rebuild your sex life with this person. You cannot feel comfortable having sex when you feel so betrayed. And I think that's, from what I understand, a very, very common occurrence when someone gets cheated on and the partner uses, well, you don't have sex with me anymore. It almost feels like you then have to have sex with them so they don't cheat on you.
39:21And it's like, wait, you don't even want to be intimate. You're doing it as a bandaid. Absolutely do not use sex as a bandaid. This is a wound and you should never fucking open your legs for this man until you're fucking ready. Because let me be so clear to you, anyone who is cheated on and their partner tells them I cheated because we are not as intimate as I want or we are not, we don't have sex as much as I want anymore. Full stop. That is not an appropriate reason to ever cheat on someone. There is no reason to ever cheat on someone. Okay. Leave the relationship. Or how about this? Before you do that, tell the person.
40:01So I know sometimes people can share, I'm not happy in our sex life. Okay, great. If you're still not happy, leave. You coward, leave. Oh wait, but you want to have your cake and eat it too. No, no, no. Because guess what you're doing in that? You then are basically acknowledging you want to still stay in this cozy thing over here and you may be happy, but the only thing you're not happy with is your sex life. So I'm going to go get it elsewhere and you're going to feel like shit when you find out I cheated, but I'm too much of a coward and a pig and a selfish fuck to give you the benefit of the doubt to leave so that you don't have trust issues for the rest of your fucking life.
40:43Okay. Anyone that cheats, get out of my face. And so number one, it sounds to me like your partner never told you. He never told you that he was unhappy in your sex life. And guess what? You just had two kids in two years. I don't know if I would be interested in a sex life either. And so guess what? Imagine if this man had come to you and said, babe, your body has been through so much in the past two years. I love you. And I love our intimate connection. and I wanna make sure you feel good and I feel good. And so how do we get back to our ways of feeling intimate? Is it we make sure we have date nights and we are flirting and we have one of our parents come watch the kids for us as we go out, whatever it be.
41:29He made no concerted effort to even try to get the sex life back. He took the easy fucking route where he was feeling, how about this? Internally, he was feeling clearly his ego was so down because you were not able at the time to fully fulfill his sexual needs or whatever. And so instead of being a man and coming to you and expressing this to you, he just thought it would be easier to go sexed or boink fucking Franny at the fucking office. And now it's like, you've ruined everything. You selfish piece of shit, you ruined everything. And all it took was a conversation. How much of a loser are you that you couldn't just have a conversation with your wife?
42:11Really? So you need to, instead of walking on eggshells, wondering if he's going to cheat, you need to make this man prove that he deserves to be with you, that he deserves to be with the mother of his children, the wife that he married. He needs to prove to you. So there is no sex until you can trust this man again, okay? And if he says that he can't do that, then get the fuck out of my life. Because any woman listening, if you have any gut feeling or that weight on your chest of like, I don't trust him, but I want him to stay. so I am going to compromise myself and what I genuinely want to do versus what I think I need to do in order to have him stay and maintain this relationship.
43:13There is not, I know 1 % of you as a woman that wants to fuck your husband who is just cheating on you. The only reason, think about this, that you're gonna open your legs for him is for him, is so that he gets what he needs. What do you need? What do you need? And that your answer is probably going to be, I need, I need him to prove himself. I need, I need, I need to know that in moments, if I'm breastfeeding or we have another kid or I'm tired or I'm whatever, that if I don't fuck you for a week or two weeks, you're not going to just go fucking cheat on me. And if you're feeling like you need something come to me communicate what is the relationship based off of anymore lies so you're starting from ground zero babe and I listen life is going to continue to be busy and hard and difficult with kids as they continue to take up your time and I'm not trying to make you feel like shit I'm just talking realistically I remember I put a poll on my Instagram story um a few weeks ago.
44:25And I basically was like, anyone that stayed in a cheating relationship, can you let me know, did it work out long term or did it end? And 95 % of people say that after they tried to make it work, it ended up eventually ending. And it was like 5 % of people that got cheated on made it work. And listen, I don't have kids yet. So I can't sit here and say what I would do if that happened to me. But what I do know is the feeling of getting cheated on. And I do know that it makes you compromise on everything you thought about yourself. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you feel ashamed. It makes you feel weak.
45:09It makes you feel lonely. It makes you feel alienated. It makes you feel like you're not good enough. It makes you feel like you don't even know if the most intimate person in your life is cheating on you and you can't trust them, then who can you trust and can you even trust yourself and how did you not see this? Like it fucks your world up. And to be with someone and to stay with someone that is capable of doing that to you. Listen, I know half the time these fucking pieces of shit are cheating. They don't take any of that into account. But think about being with a partner that doesn't take any of that into account or even to start with just your feelings.
45:50That's a pretty hard person to be in a relationship with. I want someone who respects me and loves me and thinks about me and puts me first a lot of the time, especially that you're the mother of his children. It's the least he could fucking do. So couples therapy, and I think you need to really start to evaluate for yourself, is this something that you're going to be able to get over? And more so, it kind of has less to do with you. It's now about to be, is he going to be willing to put in the exorbitant amount of work that is going to take to regain your trust? Because it seems like in a moment that things get tough, he crumbled.
46:30So how many more times is he going to crumble? You deserve better. I'm so sorry. Sorry. I just went on like a really long rant about cheating, but I think it's just so hard as women. And I know obviously it's like, I don't want to make it gendered, but it's like, obviously it's more common that we hear stories of the man cheats on the woman and they go and they fuck a woman and whatever. And it's like, I just, I just have such a hard time believing that we should stay with those people, especially when you're in a long-term relationship. It's one thing if someone cheats on you in the first like three months or six months, still I wouldn't personally be okay with that.
47:17But when there's such history and when there's children, it's like there were so many steps that you should have taken before you fucking went outside of this marriage and you didn't take any of them. You didn't even talk to me. And that's I think almost worse than the actual act of cheating or texting another person emotionally. It's like, what is our relationship? What is the foundation? Do we have anything? Like, is this a full fucking lie? Because I've been operating that you're the most trusted person in my life. Oh my God. Okay. I'm so sorry. And I hope that you can figure that out, especially for your family's sake.
47:59Okay. Next question is a little different. Okay. So I know this is toxic but I'm wondering if it's too toxic I hooked up with a guy at the end of August not only did he stick it in without even offering a condom but then he but then the dude proceeded to finish inside me what the fuck and then he fully ghosted me I'm dying to send him a picture of a positive pregnancy test just to fuck with him I am on birth control and he doesn't know that there was no offer to get me plan b nothing I feel like this man needs to learn his lesson also the sex was so self-serving he couldn't have cared less if I finished I'm just annoyed with the whole thing.
48:31I want to give him a mini heart attack and I want to give him a mini heart attack thoughts. Um, okay.
48:42First, just like fun old caller daddy, like, ah, uh, yeah, I think you could totally send him a fucking pregnancy test. It just depends. Like, are you in a similar social circle? Because if you are, then you could like unknowingly start a rumor about yourself that you're pregnant. I don't know if that's what you want. Um, if it's your rando, absolutely send that fucking test and be like, um, who, like what email can I coordinate with to start setting up childcare? He's going to be like, what? Um, and you're like, and oh, by the way, I'm broke and I'm in debt. Like just make a horrible fucking story for him.
49:14So he starts to freak the fuck out and you're like, and without a doubt, I'm keeping the baby. Um, my other problem though, with this aside from jokes aside is like, how many times as women are we going to go through this? like, he proceeds without a condom and you're like, wait, oh my God. And then he's inside of you before you're even, and you're kind of like, oh, and then it's so fucked up to say, but we as women, it's like, and then you kind of just placate. Cause you're like, I, okay, whatever, go with it. I don't want to seem like a fucking prude or I don't want to seem this. And again, there are women, obviously that maybe this isn't relatable to you, but this has happened to me before where you're just kind of like, oh my God, it's all happening so fast and I don't really know how to say no or pause or slow down.
50:02And then the fact that this man came inside of you,
50:12like, that should be like illegal. Like, it's like, what? Meanwhile, it's like women are being forced to have children and it's like okay excuse me like all of this happened and I'm like I didn't know he was gonna press go and fucking ejaculate in me and what if you were pregnant it's just like it's so scary it's so fucking scary being a woman and I just feel for you because I get what you're saying right now like you want him to feel a little bit of threat and pain and whatever because I think underneath what this is is like this is like a really violating experience that you just experienced and this is horrible.
50:50And as funny as it is to send him a pregnancy test, I think this is, you want to get as far away from this man as possible. And I hope that this never happens to you again. And I don't know, it may, because it happened to me before, you know what I mean? Where you're just kind of like, how did that happen? And I don't know if I have advice. Like, I think I can think about it. I just in the moment, I'm just like, this is a really common thing that I think a lot of women experience that we don't really talk about. And I'm not saying it's not consensual. It's just like it verges on that. Like, I don't think that was at all respectful.
51:33Like nothing about that was respectful. Nothing about that felt like I was seen. Nothing about that felt like I was being taken care of or I was safe. Like I just kind of had to go with it once it started. And then you're kind of like, whoa. And so sorry that this is like a little dark, but it's, I think a lot of women experience this reality. And I don't think that enough of us talk about it because again, it's very black and white. Did they take advantage of you or did they not? And it's like, it's really fucking hard being a woman. I'll just say that. Okay. Here we go. Next question. I have been dating a guy for eight months and in the beginning it was amazing.
52:23He was romantic, always wanted to see me and we were really close. But around the seven month mark, he stopped being intimate. His communication dropped and he barely makes plans with me anymore. When I asked what changed, I was crying, but he just said, I don't know what you want me to say. Do I need to keep reading this? I feel like this is obvious. Now it's been a week since we've seen each other. Even though he's off work, he just hasn't made any effort. He claims he hates texting. Babe, but I see him active on Instagram. I don't know what to do or how to address this. You do know what to do.
53:00You do know what to do. This man doesn't like you. This man's out. He's out. he's out and you're in. And he's too much of a pussy to end the relationship. So he's just kind of like weaning you off. And he's like, I don't know how many more times I can try to give her the hint that I'm off of her, but I'm too scared of confrontation. And she's clearly so emotional. She's crying to me. And I'm literally like, I don't know what to say. And you keep coming back and wondering, he doesn't like you. This man hates you. He doesn't hate you, but he doesn't like you. I think that what needs to happen is you need to you need to move on and you need to read the signs of.
53:42He doesn't like you and he's actually kind of really, really clearly showing you that it's definitely in a cowardly way. It's definitely like in a ghosty way, but he's ghosting you and he's moving away from you and he's trying to like he's trying to be the meme of fucking Howard Simpson, whatever the fuck his name is. And he's going out into the bushes like goodbye. And you're like, wait, Nicholas, what's going on? He's like, his foot is out the door. And he's like, I don't know. I got to go. And you're like, but we were something. And he's like, yeah, I don't know what you want me to say. Like you're making up a scenario in your head that doesn't exist anymore, but you're not living in reality.
54:24You're still eight months ago when you were like falling for this guy and he's like I literally have a new girlfriend he's literally like I gotta I'm gonna be late for dinner and if you asked who he was going to dinner with he would be like Francesca my new girlfriend and you would be like what like this man's been so out of the game with you and he's just such a pussy and he's already living his double life and you are like fully thinking that he's still yours he's gone you need to just move on it's so sad though when we do like create that false sense of like reality with a dynamic with a situationship or someone where you're like we create this idea in our head and we live in this fantasy and we're like oh my god and I think this about this person and it's like trust me like oh my god when I was younger and I would be watching Grey's Anatomy and I would be watching Meredith Grey and Derek Shepard and that like push and pull thing I would be talking to these men and I would be like oh my God, I'm so like dark and like mysterious.
55:29And he's just like playing hard to get because like we're blah, blah. None of this is real. Literally none of this is real. I thought it was just like, Ooh, it's just, it's just the, it's just the way things that's just the way it is. It's really not. It's without a doubt, almost every single time it's exactly pen to paper, what it looks like. if he's not calling, he doesn't like you. A man could have his entire family die and he could be at the hospital and he's mourning the death. If he likes you, he's still going to call you. He's still going to, he's still going to say, if anything, he's definitely going to call you because he's going to want you there to comfort him.
56:09Or if he's just like, I need a minute, he's going to tell you, I need a minute. But if he's not reaching out ever, unless he's actually been kidnapped or he's, um, no, nothing. If a man doesn't reach out, he doesn't like you. And so when this man is literally being like, I don't know what you want me to say. He's basically saying, can you just take the fucking hint? Can you just take the hint? I literally don't like you. I don't know how many more times I have to give you these like horribly, horribly obvious signs that definitely you are really trying to make fucking lemonade out of these lemons.
56:53I am giving you breadcrumbs and you're somehow making a whole fucking diagram of our life together. And I'm barely saying hello in the morning. And you're like, he was typing, we're getting married. Like you got to knock it off. You got to get in the game. You got to recognize that he hates you and you are literally pretending like he's your McDreamy. He's not. Stop reading fucking smut. Stop watching these shows or keep watching them. But remember that reality is nothing like this fantasy shit. Okay, honey? He is bottom of the barrel. He is the fucking little frat wiener head that is just fucking a bunch of you.
57:34He doesn't even know what he wants. His mom still does his laundry he doesn't even pay his own phone bill and you think he's gonna give you the world no he's gonna ruin your life because you're gonna think he can give you the world and then he literally is like oh the condom broke but yeah we can live at my parents house and you're like I thought I thought you thought wrong I wish I could clip this for my younger self and be like lock in. Okay, next. Okay, weirdly, I think I've been going for like maybe longer than we needed. So maybe I'm going to save some of these questions. But let me think if I have any housekeeping things.
58:16Oh, we have a very exciting episode that is coming out on Wednesday for Call Her Daddy. I filmed it in New York City the same week that I recorded Victoria Beckham for Call her daddy. So that's why you will see the set looks different because, um, I had to make a little pop-up set for call her daddy in New York with serious sex. Um, helped me out. And this week's guest is, let me give you a little hint here because Sunday session crew deserves it. Um, it's a, he, and he lives in New York. I feel like that's, you know, it was a great time. and um so yeah so daddy gang I cannot wait to see you guys on Wednesday and for you to find out who the guest is and please keep writing in questions I have it on the call her daddy website you can go you can submit your questions just type into google call her daddy questions and write in whatever you want me to talk about and if there was anything that I talked about today that you would want me to expand on and really get into detail about I can absolutely do that for you so So love you guys so much and happy Sunday from one father to my daddies.
59:28Love you. Bye.
From the publisher
This week, Alex explores why so many of us feel anxious, overstimulated, and restless, especially at night. From doom-scrolling to “rot culture,” she breaks down how the constant noise keeps our nervous systems stuck in overdrive, and shares her therapist’s tips for actually resetting. She also gets into how to set boundaries with in-laws, what it looks like to rebuild trust after cheating, and how to know if you’re becoming delusional. Finally, Alex shares advice on navigating male/female friendships, and what to do when you want revenge on a douchebag. Enjoy!
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