Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

27:44And also, the stakes only get higher in life. Don't get me wrong, like dealing with the sandbox drama is so stressful. But if my kid doesn't know how to play well with others when they're in a job or when they're 45, I think the stakes are higher. And so I think we generally have kind of two options in all of these different hard moments with our kid. I mean, they're intervening for comfort and happiness today. But in doing that, I'm probably not helping my kid develop the skills they will need long term. Or to be honest, because it's not all fun and games, I am enduring some amount of short term inconvenience and pain today because I know this ladders up to something important.

28:29So here's a great example. We're kind of getting close to back to school. My kid or I get the school list and I find out, oh my goodness, my daughter isn't with her four best friends in class and school hasn't started yet. And I'm thinking, do I call the school? And my kids get so anxious and she's going to be so upset. If I'm short-term focused, meaning I'm trying to optimize for my kids' short-term comfort and happiness, I'm going to call the school. Long-term, what gets wired in their body, right? Because a kid's early years with us forms their default settings for what to expect later on is, I don't know, I'm sure there's going to be a day in college where she sees her friends have a dorm room without her.

29:10And I don't know, do I want my kid to call me and be like, will you call the dorm? Or do I want my kid to know by that point, this sucks, but I already have had life experience to see I can survive it and cope with it. And so when I think about long-term greediness, I think about, and by the way, we don't do this 100 % of the time. There's some percentage me too. I'm like, here's the lollipop. We have to. We're human. But if I have a general long-term greedy perspective, I understand how my interactions with my kid today are going to have a pretty big impact on their coping, their sense of capability, and their resilience versus fragility later on.

29:49I mean, that is so fascinating. And I also think it takes such perspective. And I can imagine it is like you said very difficult sometimes for a parent to have the wherewithal to be like I'm literally sitting in a second grade class right now and we're dealing with this and so if you can have that foresight to be like this is temporarily uncomfortable for them and they will be so much better off for it and the temper tantrum or when they tell me they hate me today they're actually gonna be like thank god my parents made me walk in and have that conversation alone with my teacher instead of doing it for me.

30:25Because now when I'm going into this job interview, I'm like, mom, if you're watching this, my mom did that to me all the time. It was always like, no, you have to go speak to the coach. You have to go. And I was like, why can't you do it like every other parent does it? That's right. Where they all go talk to them for them. And she's like, one day you'll thank me, Alex. And I was like, I'm never gonna thank you. I'm never gonna talk to you after I turn 18. Meanwhile, I was like, thanks, mom. Because, and I think an answer to that, if I'm thinking about your mom is, because I'm so invested in you discovering your own capability.

30:52And I will not steal that from you just so you smile and are happy with me right now. Can we talk about confidence? Yes. Can you explain just from everything you've seen, how can parents instill confidence in their kids? And also that sounds so simple, but like what is the actual importance of that? So I'm curious if you're willing, like what, just to get into it, does a situation come to mind that you're like, that was a confidence building experience for me? I don't know if this is weird, but like oddly enough, I think most of it was the resilience my parents forced me to learn in moments like kind of similar to what I'm saying, what I was just saying about having to do things on my own.

31:38I think my parents were very focused on making sure that I had a sense of self and a sense of independence. And even though things were scary, uncomfortable, I never actually felt scared. Like my parents were always there, but they were never doing things for me. And I think the more and more I learned like, oh, my God, I would run back to them after I had the really uncomfortable conversation with the soccer coach when I was 12. And I'm like, oh, my God, no other kid my age was having to do it. And my mom made me have my one on one. And I was like so nervous. But when I every time I came out of those moments and I got in the car with her, I would gush to her about like and then I said this and I remembered how you told me to say this.

32:19the confidence that was built was like I trusted myself and the trust that I built within myself started to then like I felt like I had the answer sometimes before I had to go to my mom or my dad and that built and built and built and I think that just made me feel so supported yes but also I was my own person I mean you're saying so many words that are you stole my words before so I think First of all, there's the difference, we'll get to this, between support and solutions. Those are very different things, right? You knew you could always go back to your parents, but they didn't solve the situation for you.

32:59So I think we've been fed this idea that confidence means feeling good about yourself, but I believe confidence is self-trust, which is a very different game. Because if you're optimizing for feeling good about yourself, or I'm optimizing for my kid feeling good, optimizing toward comfort. Fine, I'll do that thing for you. Or even when my kid says, let's take, you know, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books, mom. If I think building confidence is about feeling good, I'll say, but you're the only one in your class who can play chess. Think about that. Because I'm trying to help my kid feel good.

33:40if confidence is self-trust and my kid says I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books yet. First, I'm not going to say you're right. You're a horrible reader. No. But first of all, probably just say something simple. First of all, I'm so glad you're telling me that. I believe you. What happened when they handed out the books today? Because my kid is bringing to me this experience. I'm upset in this way. And if I over and over say to my kid, essentially, that's not true. Then my kid learns, and this has such long implications, I think about college girls, like other people have a better sense of my internal reality than I do.

34:20And I shouldn't be shocked. I mean this, that when that, let's say, young woman is at a bar and someone's like, hey, come home with me. She's like, I don't know. It's a little early. Oh, don't make such a big deal out of it. You're making, and then if her internal circuit is, I do have a habit of overreacting to things. Other people outside my body have a better sense of how I'm feeling than I do. It becomes sad, but explainable because she's learned to distrust herself. That is so, whoa. Because even when you're saying that too, I also think what comes to mind is it's again it's easy quick gratification for the child to feel I'm immediately going to make you feel safe but I could also maybe see then the child then starts to be like I'm not going to probably bring this up because I think every time I bring up something to my parents about how like I was not doing I was falling behind in class I feel insecure maybe there's more secrecy and you're hiding things because you are kind of embarrassed we're like every time I try to tell them, they kind of either downplay it or they tell me it's not real.

35:31And so like, why would I share with them instead of holding the space for them, not solving it, but holding the space for them, like, oh my gosh, tell me about how that made you feel in that moment. Exactly. I mean, I have this concept of the feelings bench. I love anything with the visual. So if you think about a kid of any age or an adult going to their partner, and they're kind of wandering around this garden that has a lot of benches, Okay? And maybe your kid is on the bench of, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books. But really, they're on the bench of, I feel less than other people.

36:03Right? Or I'm looking around and people have things I don't have. They're going to be on that bench for the rest of their lives. Okay? And you're right. We often have two instincts as parents. I either try to convince them to go to a sunnier bench. Like, wait, that's good. Or some ways I say your bench isn't your bench. Like, that's not true. And if I think about the parent who it's so hard and simple, just kind of sits on the bench. They're like, oh, tell me more about that. That happened. I'm building my kids confidence because what I'm saying is even the version of you, I'm going to cry, who is the slowest reader.

36:39I like that. I like that girl. I'm willing to sit with her. I'm not going to run away from her. I don't need her to just be the star chess player. And you're right. When kids are young, they're kind of learning, what's the range of experiences I can bring to my parent? Who can I be? What's attachable? And yeah, confidence actually comes from not feeling like the best at everything. It's feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something. And you have a safe home where that yucky feeling that you felt at school of being embarrassed, you can then go home and you can share it with your parents and they're going to hold it with you and be like gosh I can imagine how that made you feel and like let's talk about it I also can imagine similar to what you just referenced with that bar example this is very probably important if you are raising young girls in today's day and age or literally whenever you've been raising young girls because so many of us are kind of socialized to doubt ourselves and to be like you're being overdramatic and oh you're just being sensitive and you're being this and that But if your daughter came to you about a situation that made her feel uncomfortable, how would you respond?

37:55And what is your advice to mothers and parents and everyone that's doing this? So number one, we want to believe our kids' internal experiences. I think the reason that gets tricky is that isn't a perfect one-to-one with exactly what I will or will not encourage her to do after. So for example, let's just say it's a little bit more of a vanilla situation. Mom, you know, I want to go back to soccer. I'm not starting anymore. It's so embarrassing when I'm at practice and then they say starters on the field and like I'm not doing it. First of all, I want to believe her. And again, the first line, it is such a helpful line whether you have kids or not.

38:33When someone tells you they're upset just to make the first thing you say back, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. And stop talking. So glad you're talking to me about this. Tell me what happened at practice. Well, they said the starters. And I started to move on to the field. I'm like, oh, no, not me anymore. And I felt like everyone was looking at me and can't believe I lost my starting spot. I don't know. What am I going to say? That sucks. It sounds like that sucks. And then I think what matters, at least I'm going to say in my house, what I encourage parents is, so I'm not going to practice tomorrow.

39:05I feel like we've started to focus a little too much on the I believe you part and not enough, which is also a part of confidence on the I believe in you part. And this is what it sounds like really happened in your family, which is so beautiful, which is the both. I believe you that soccer practice kind of sucks compared to what it used to be. I also want to let you know that you are a kid who can go even when you're not a starter and you're going to get through a practice that feels awful. And I'm going to be there in the car waiting to give you a big hug. Or if you don't want a hug and you just want to yell at me the whole way home, I'll take that too.

39:39Either way. But it's going to happen. But it's going to happen. You're still going to go. Because if I think about the long-term greed focus, I want my kid to be able to regulate when they're older. And you can't manage a feeling you believe you're not supposed to have. You can't. You have to try to get it out of your body, and it comes out of your body as bad behavior. So I want my kid to be able to say when they get, you know when they don't get the promotion this sucks I thought I was gonna get a promotion this cycle I believe myself this stinks and I'm going to work tomorrow I am I'm still gonna go I'm gonna talk to my boss what did I miss let's go over my review I want both for my kids I am like ingraining that in my head of I'm so glad you're talking to me about this because I'm like mom why did I always feel so confident to come to you and dad about things that I'm like some of my friends are like I would have never told my parents that.

40:29And that is like because I felt such an open space. And I know I was really, really fortunate to have that. But that line right there, I'm tucking that right here, Dr. Becky, and I'm going to keep that for when my child is in these situations.

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42:46Rakuten partners with all your favorite brands too, like Ulta, Instacart, Fenty Beauty, Ugg, and Ticketmaster. Daddy Gang, when it's time to redeem your cashback, you can do it by check, PayPal, built points, or even in the form of a gift card from one of your favorite stores. Plus, eligible American Express card members can choose to earn membership reward points instead of cashback. Terms and conditions apply. Using Rakuten is free and all you need is an email to sign up. So join for free at Rakuten.com. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N.com or download the Rakuten app to start saving money today. For maybe some of our newer moms, for me, for, you know, the daddy gang that's just like getting started, I want to now like dive a little bit more into boundaries.

43:37Good. Because obviously you bringing up that one of the biggest parts of parenting is boundaries. I love how you said earlier, like, I also don't know if a lot of people even know what boundaries are because that word is thrown around so much and on social media, especially. So can you define boundaries? Yes. What are we talking about? Boundaries are something you tell your kid you will do and they require your kid to do nothing. And I love that definition because every time I say something when I think I'm setting a boundary, I can just assess, like, do I have two check marks? Did I tell my kid something I will do?

44:17And does this thing require my kid to do zero? Which is why, like, if my kid's jumping, actually a better example, because my third kid has 0 % people pleasing in him. Zero. Love that for him. I love that. Yes. Okay. And so my first kid, I live in New York City, right? We're in an elevator building. So if I said, hey, when we get into the elevator, sweetie, don't press all the buttons. My first kid would say, you're right. That would be disrespectful. Like he was just a different kid. If I said that to my third kid like that, he'd say, OK. And by the way, it would now be so much more fun to press every single one.

44:54The scene in Elf. Right. Exactly. He does it all. He does it all. All of them. So bright. And so this is a situation where I think parents would say, you have a kid who doesn't respect your boundaries. And then we get into really common patterns. I start, if you do it, no dessert tonight, right? And then I give him sorbet for dessert because fruit isn't dessert. And I undermine my authority like these awful things. I end up yelling. Okay, if I say to him, don't press the elevator buttons, am I telling him what I'm going to do? No. Does the success require him to do nothing? No, it actually requires him to have a lot of self-control.

45:28That is not a boundary. That's a request. all the time as parents, we think we're setting boundaries when we're actually making requests. And requests are more frequent. And often we start with a request. But if our kid is showing us they can't follow it, or if just it's more of a safety issue or my kid is out of control, I have to set a boundary. So with my kid, I could set this boundary in two ways. Sweetie, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And even if you lunge toward the buttons, I will block you. That's what I would say to him. And then my third kid has ninja moves.

46:04And Alex, I'm ready. If you think I'm getting in the elevator holding two bags, no, no, no, no, no. I am going to put my bag down and I am ready. And then I'm just going to go like this. Or I could set a boundary because sometimes those words will escalate a non-people pleaser. They're like, oh, game on, game on. And I might just step up in between him and the buttons, saying nothing, get ready for the lunge and say, my kid's jumping on the couch. And let's say they're jumping, I don't know, right near a glass table. Like I wouldn't even care if my kid jumped on the couch, but I don't want my kid to get hurt.

46:39It is not a boundary to say, get off the couch. That's a request. I'm not telling my kid what I will do. And it requires my kid to do something. And then again, it's like, well, if you don't get, if you don't stop, I'm going to count to five. A boundary is saying, look, sweetie. And you can say this kindly. It's kind and firm at the same time. It looks like it's hard for you to stop jumping on the couch. I'm going to walk over there. And if by the time I get there, you're not off the couch, I will pick you up and I will put you on the floor. And this matters. It's my number one job to keep you safe.

47:09That goes back to the job of boundaries. It's such a powerful thing as a parent to hear yourself say that and for your kid over and over because it reminds you, it's like, it's not to keep you happy. My number one job is to keep you safe. So I'm going to put you on the ground and you can jump on the floor. And then if that's my house. My kid won't look at me when I say that and just say, okay. No, depending on who my kid is and their temperament, they might keep jumping. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say, I'm picking you up now. No, hey, let's count to five. No, I'm picking you up now.

47:38And my kid will melt down when they're young because that's what kids do. None of us like to want to do something and have someone stop us. It's just not a fun experience. But this is where the jobs make so much sense if I'm like an a plus student I can do both jobs at once I set the boundary my kid gets upset and I'm just gonna say something simple it's more fun to jump on the couch but that doesn't mean I'm letting my kid back on the couch okay the request yes I get it now because you're like the request is like you're just asking them to not do something or to do something or whatever the boundary is if this happens yes I'm doing this yes it's a boundary is an assertion, Alex, of your power.

48:22This is why it's especially important for women. This matters just as much in the workplace. We give our power away all the time by making certain things dependent on other people behaving in a certain way versus defining what we need to do to feel good enough. Boundaries are very hard to set, I think, for us as even individuals, I think especially as women, again, overdramatic, people pushing your boundaries, you being in work settings and learning, I had a boundary and then this person crossed it and I still have to endure this. This is uncomfortable. It's a lot easier said than done. Yeah. And I'm curious if you ever obviously you're a person who's good at setting boundaries now, but were you ever prone to people pleasing in your life?

49:12And how did you find this beautiful balance that you're now in? Well, first of all, the beautiful balance I talk about is not the beautiful balance I live in my house. Like Dr. Becky and Becky are, you know, I always say it's true. My kids don't have Dr. Becky as a mom, and I wouldn't wish that on them. They have Becky. Like sometimes my husband actually says, you know, I was about to tag your personal account in your latest reel because I feel like you could benefit from such advice. You know, like the shade. There is like, whoa, but it's true, you know. And so there's no perfect balance. Right.

49:45But I love this question because I was very much a good girl. And I think that that is one of the things that has shaped so much of how I think about especially women in parenting. And, you know, just, oh, she's such a good girl. She's so easy. I never have to think about that one. I never have to worry about that one. And I think all that means, good girl, is this is someone who has learned to gaze out and notice everyone's needs and take care of them at the exclusion of gazing in and wondering what their own needs are. And then it gets even more extreme because then your own needs become a threat to this job you've perfected, which is taking care of everyone else's wants and needs.

50:33Your own needs are very inconvenient if you're trying to just placate everyone around you. And one of the reasons I think we have trouble setting boundaries is logically we say, I know my kid doesn't have to be happy with me. But logic doesn't dictate our kind of relationship decisions. Our old circuits do. And if when you try to set a boundary around dessert, your kid's having a tantrum, which is kind of their way of saying, I'm upset with you, your body essentially activates, what do I know about someone I love being upset with me? What is my job in that situation? What have I gotten really good at doing?

51:07What is my role? And if you were really good as a kid at keeping the peace, first of all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's probably something very crafty you figured out how to do. You're going to have a hard time holding that boundary because your body knows how to just make the other person happy to the kind of detriment of what you might need. And I think it's so applicable for women like you're talking about. Like we have been conditioned this way that it's awkward and it can be uncomfortable to set a boundary. So then you just kind of appease the people around you and you just forego what you genuinely want in the dynamic and you don't use your voice.

51:47And so I can imagine then getting into parenting. It may be hard for women to actually use their own voice. It's almost like for the first time in their life to have authority in some capacity because we've never almost had it. Yes. And I, you know, I listened to your episode the other day about kind of effortlessness, you know, and why is it so cool to like pretend like we don't care and it just happens. That's right. And, you know, I have to try very hard to do all the things I talk about, set boundaries, to stay connected to my kid without them overpowering me, because my initial wiring definitely was being a good girl.

52:28I think one of my first times where that came into major conflict was probably my anorexia before I went to college. I mean, I think anorexia at the end of the day is a struggle with desire. What am I allowed to want and want and desire if they feel so scary? Well, anorexia is a way of saying like, I want nothing, not even my basic needs. I want for nothing. I can become very, very tiny, right? And that was a ton of therapy, all the things around that. But I think through that process, I started what I would call kind of like gazing in. Like, can I develop a relationship with my own wants and needs?

53:12Can I be a little bit more? Like, I think about this idea of going from a good girl to an inconvenient woman. And it's not like I try to inconvenience people. But if you know what you want, and at least some of the time you make decisions around that, people are going to be inconvenienced. Not everyone's – I think we have this fantasy, like, I'm going to tell my husband I want to sleep in because I usually wake up. And my husband's going to say, Becky, I'm so happy you asked me. Nothing would make me happier than waking up at 545 with our two toddlers because you do it most of the time. And no, most husbands, nice husbands, their initial reactions like, oh, and if I can't tolerate that sigh and know, you know what, me getting what I want does inconvenience my husband.

53:59OK, like that's just part of being in a relationship with each other. And I think my own journey has been, yeah, like those little experiments, bracing myself, the panic around it, the calling my friends, the getting support. And it's still a journey. It is and thank you for sharing that because I also think so many women I've talked to that have experienced anything when it comes to you know struggling with eating and body and then when we transition to motherhood it's like you're we have so little control over our lives and what's happening and we have people pleasing and then there's no boundaries and then they keep getting pushed and so we're constantly just a victim of our circumstances then then we find one thing that we can internally control with our body.

54:43but really we are hurting ourselves and so to then get to that point in your life where you were like I started to look inward of like how am I going to basically adjust the way that my relationship is to myself yeah it's really powerful to get to that point because then you are giving yourself more autonomy it's not easy yeah but I think that kind of also leads me to think about the perfect parent I feel like this is something a lot of women I'm sure struggle with of and I I feel like it's such a huge pressure now. And I don't know if that you feel like there's an uptick, but I feel like everyone's always talking about like the perfect parent, to be the perfect parent.

55:21Like, why do you think there's such an all-time high right now around that conversation? Well, if I, I mean, I think, I guess there's two perfect parents. There's what happens in your home and then how it looks to everyone else. I don't know if there's an uptick in how it's perceived by everyone else. There's just an uptick in this world of showing our lives to others and other people deciding whether we're good enough, you know? So that's probably been this externally oriented world we're kind of a part of, right? I guess, you know, I tell parents all the time, first of all, there's no perfect parent, but it wouldn't even be good for your kid anyway.

56:00That's the irony. The model of a relationship you form with your kid is the foundation they take into adulthood. like I happen to think attraction is just an activation of your earliest attachment system it's what feels like home and so do I want to set my kids up to only feel naturally attracted to people who always get it right are perfectly attuned to their feelings say the right thing are never distracted that's not that's not real it isn't real and I also love how you say like it's not realistic but i do think it kind of can bring us into the attachment style conversation and so obviously um attachment theory which is based on the assumption of that our experiences as children inform who we are as adults yes and the type of partners we attract the type of relationships that we seek um our behaviors but then all of a sudden we all become adults right So we're like, okay, I'm anxious attached or I'm avoidant attached.

57:03I'm fearful attached. I'm secure attached. Great. Then you become a parent. And I think that for everyone listening today, I'm wondering how does your attachment style as an adult, how can that impact your child? Because now we're just, we're keeping that generational cycle going. And can you talk a little bit more about that? Yeah. I mean, your attachment style, right, is how you've learned to define closeness, what you expect from other people, what parts of you are allowed in relationships, what parts of you you've learned to kind of keep out of it. And usually without various intervention, that transfers generation to generation, not because that's anyone's fault.

57:49It's just what feels natural. And our body is generally drawn to what feels familiar versus what's good for us. So if someone's sitting here like, Dr. Becky, I am a full anxious attached person and I am about to welcome a child into this world. How is that going to impact that person's parenting style? So first of all, I'd say amazing that you're thinking about this. You're ahead of the game. I don't think insight alone brings change, but we certainly can't change what we don't understand. So you've done a huge step one. Amazing. And then I dig in. I'm not one for labels. If we stop there, I feel like, what would you mean?

58:30Okay, so you're anxiously attached. Does that mean it's hard for you to have a little separation from your partner? When there's distance, Do you tend to interpret that as rejection? You know, are you a little bit oriented toward seeing someone's separation as abandonment instead of just separation? And okay, same talk. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so here's what I probably know about that person. Oh, I wonder what's going to happen, you know, when your kids even start walking. It seems like such a great developmental milestone, and it is, but it's really a sign that your kid is already ready to kind of separate from you, you know?

59:06what's it going to be like for you, you know, when your kid's really upset with you? Does upset feel like abandonment and threat? So let's get ready for some of those situations. They're throwing the toys on the floor, begging for the thing at the, you know, at the store with you. And then we can talk about, okay, well, how do you want to respond? It's so, that old stuff is still going to feel natural. I think that's what really matters. And I think that's what really resonated about that podcast you did about the cool girl, where the only thing that comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented.

59:41And so if you want to do things differently, yeah, you need a system. You need people to help you. You're going to have a lot of uncomfortable moments. And yeah. I know. I love that because I think a lot of people, understandably, we are so, we recognize we all have baggage. We all have things from our past that we are innately going to just potentially give our kids, project onto our kids, be super hyper vigilant to not do it to our kids. And so everyone is coming from their own perspective of, oh my God, I either want to replicate my childhood for my child, or I want to make sure I change all these things and be having those feelings.

1:00:20It's a lot. And it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself when you have this past that you're recognizing can impact your child's future. And I think it's hard to sometimes overcome that pressure we put on ourselves, I guess. Yeah, and look, like you said, we all have our past and so we're all gonna have trigger moments. Our kids trigger us. I think we all think they're gonna heal us. They trigger us. They bring up all the stuff that wasn't really healed from our past. And if you know that going in, you can look at these moments like, wow, I had a pretty intense reaction to that. I don't even remember saying this to my kid.

1:00:57that it just kind of flew out of my mouth. I think those are the situations often we want to put away. Like, I don't want to look at that. But if you're willing to look at that, those become amazing teachers to you. It's so true because I feel like an example is someone I know their kid didn't make the varsity team. And mom was really upset. Mom was really upset because this was bringing up something for her. She didn't make the varsity team and she was hoping her daughter could make the varsity team. And so she's triggered about not feeling good enough. Meanwhile, I don't even know if the kid cared that much.

1:01:32Like, oh, all my friends are actually on the other team, which is what it's perfect. I didn't even want to make varsity. But the mom was so upset. But how can we essentially avoid projecting our own emotions and our own triggers onto our kids? So I think there's two parts to that question. Can we do anything to get ahead of it? And then when it inevitably happens, what do we do next? Because again, we're not going to be perfect at it, right? So there is no superpower that is as important in parenting as knowing yourself, right? I know I had socially hard moments in middle school and high school.

1:02:07as my kids have gotten older into middle school and high school, oh my goodness, have those come alive. I'm like, do I really want to talk to my kid about the situation? I know from the other moms, my kid wasn't invited. Just to be able to ask yourself, is this a me feeling or is this a my kid feeling? And to try to pause. Maybe I don't need to go and say, oh, you weren't invited to that party. How do you feel? That might be a me thing. That might be a me thing. It probably is a me thing, right? And so that's one question. What is coming up for me is a superpower question as a parent. What is coming up for me about this?

1:02:44And then the second part is there's nothing that matters as much as repair with your kid. And repairing is taking accountability for something, saying you want to try something again, right? And so to be able to say, hey, I had a big reaction when you told me this thing. To be honest, a lot of that had to do with me. I'm sorry. what I wanted to say was this. That's so powerful because you're going to make mistakes. That allows you to repair. And it models for your kid how to take accountability in their other relationships. That's also, I remember in doing all the research for attachment theories, so much of it is anyone who has secure attachment, really it was mostly built in the repair phase, which you're discussing, which is like knowing that it's symbolizing you are in a safe, secure environment because your parent, although they may have lashed out and they may have raised their voice or they may have messed up, coming back around and recognizing it with the child and taking ownership and accountability and sharing with them like, hey, I'm really sorry that I did that.

1:03:47It shows them like, oh, the world is not scary and I'm not in an unstable situation and my parents even can mess up, but this is how they operate and this is how they handle it when they do make mistakes. Wow, that's a really good leader. Yeah. And I think, you know, I was lucky enough to be asked by Ted to give a talk. And they're like, I know you talk about all these things. What do you want to talk about? And repair was the topic. Because I think the other thing to understand about it, especially with kids, and I hope anyone listening who doesn't even have kids, it gives us a lot of insight into our self-talk, is what happens for a kid when they're screamed at by their parent and they don't have a repair?

1:04:27And again, that happens everywhere. I scream at my kids too. So I scream at my kid, oh, you're so ungrateful. You're so spoiled. Whatever. We're now probably separate. Maybe my son is in his room. And if I don't repair, a kid is in their room feeling very confused because the person they need for safety is now the person who felt scary. And that's just a disorganized thing. Disorganized attachment is actually those two things being kind of fused together, that the person who scares me is the person I go to for comfort. That's a lot. And so what does my kid need to do to get back to baseline if I don't repair?

1:05:04They generally do two things. They self-blame. This is all my fault. I'm a bad kid. Because there's this quote I always love from grad school, which is Fairburn who said, I don't know if you've heard it for your attachment stuff, which is, for a kid, it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil, which means taking the badness in is safer than believing the world is bad. Oh, especially when it comes to your parents. That is your world. So if it's my parents are bad or I'm bad, you better bet. And that actually gives them a sense of control. And if I think about all the women, especially, who no matter what happens in their life when it's bad, you know what they still do?

1:05:48It's so old. It's actually a lot of unrepaired moments. Or we do the other thing, which is self-doubt. A kid in their room has to say, you know what? Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe that didn't actually happen. Maybe, you know, and I think about how many women in my practice would be in these dating situations and something not going well. I'm going to call five friends and see if they thought it was a big deal. Do they think it's a big deal? It's kind of saying, I don't trust my own assessment. And that starts so early. So yes, you don't have to be perfect. Don't be perfect. But repair whenever you can.

1:06:22Such good advice. I also was thinking back to the perfect parent and all these things that we're talking about, recognizing that there are so many women who may be on the journey that they're really fighting to become a parent. And they are really like, oh my God, Dr. Becky, I have been on the hardest emotional journey to just simply even get to where you guys are talking about, and I pray to God that I one day can have a baby. Through your practice, do you mind just sharing a little bit about what you have learned about women's struggles with fertility in general? Yes. And I mean, I did IVF for all my children too.

1:06:58So first of all, I'd say from life experience, like, yeah, I've been there and it stinks. It's so hard. I think it's one of the first times we feel like a failure as a mom before we're a mom. And I can't even do this thing that my body is supposed to be able to do. Like I'm already failing. And I think, you know, one of the things I thought a lot about, maybe you and I could talk offline, is so many of the things that are our superpower coming into motherhood become our Achilles heel. So if I go to fertility for me, I have been someone who makes things happen. Like I know effort doesn't always lead to outcome.

1:07:38But I feel like I have found a way for effort to lead to outcome because I just more, more, more. And I like to move and I like to make decisions and I like my studying to lead to good grades. And then I try to get pregnant. And I think for me, I would have benefited from someone saying, Becky, you know how you've been pretty successful at like effort, effort, effort, and then having pretty good outcomes, yeah, that's going to end up making motherhood really hard for you. And I'd be like, what? They're like, that's going to really work against you. Because from getting pregnant, to maintaining the pregnancy, to whether or not your kid is an early walker or a late walker, effort doesn't lead to output.

1:08:25And that might be harder for you than some of your friends who would say like, you know, yeah, I've kind of been like a B student. Like, it's fine. I'm not like they are better prepared to handle those things well. And so, again, I think it's where knowing yourself really helps you digest your own fertility journey or early parts or any part of parenting. I mean, I can imagine the every woman, I think, no matter which way you go about it in trying to get pregnant. And I talked about this a little on the episode where I announced my pregnancy, like, yes, it brought up so much of like the failure and the competitor in me from being an athlete.

1:09:05And you're like, why is we why didn't it work? Why isn't it working? And you're and you only have yourself to blame. Yeah. Which you should not be blaming yourself. But of course, we're going to blame ourselves because who else can we blame? And again, with women, like you just said, we it's too scary of a world where we're so conditioned, like just blame yourself because it's the easiest and it's the most ingrained in us. Yeah. Can I say something on that? You know, my I had this situation with my oldest. He was a lot younger and it's become just such a helpful framework for me. So we're backing out a car from a garage and my husband was driving and my son had the door, the passenger door like open in the backseat.

1:09:46But my husband didn't know it was open when he was backing out the car. And so he backs out. Obviously, the door hits the side. It's, you know, yeah, the whole thing. And he said, why didn't you close the door? And my son said, he was probably six at the time, I didn't know you were about to back out. It's not my fault. And my husband goes, so it's my fault? And my son says, you know, Dad, sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault. At my heart, racist as I say this, we're obsessed with fault. like when you're not getting pregnant it's probably nobody's fault I mean by the way look into it like is it what's going on but you know when your kid you know isn't talking yet like it's probably not your fault did I not say enough words and it's probably not your kid's fault it's probably just hard you know life it's circumstances that yes like sometimes things are hard and fault just isn't a helpful framework um that's really helpful because I think it then can help release the shame and the guilt that I feel like so many women probably feel who are listening right now being like, I get it's not my fault.

1:10:54But like, do you have any advice for any woman who's sitting here being like, but Becky, I am so exhausted. Like, I've been doing IVF, things aren't working. Like, is there any advice you have that kept you going or that you can share to just help women just feel, keep going in your resilience? Look, I think what's so hard is if becoming a mother is like such an important focus for you, right? I think advice of, oh, just put that to the side and work out more or have lunch with your girlfriends. Like I hear friends of mine saying, oh my girlfriends are getting pregnant. I freaking hate them. I don't wanna be around them.

1:11:28I'm not even happy for them, right? And so when any one thing in your life becomes so important, it's really hard when that thing isn't happening anywhere near the timeline. So number one, I would just give yourself massive permission. Like, this is really hard. It makes sense. It feels that way. It feels that way. This stinks. And then, yeah, at some point, we want to find an and. Like, are there other things that give me joy? Not 10 out of 10 joy the way they used to, but 2 out of 10, right? And just fighting for those things, I think, really, really matters. I know plenty of people on a fertility journey who said, what would it be like to give myself a couple-month break, you know?

1:12:10And, you know, I don't want to say it's magic. I want to be able to say, and then they randomly got pregnant naturally because they weren't stressed. Like, okay, there's some stories. But, and I think also, I know you've talked about this, noticing when a timeline drives us more crazy and is helpful. Again, I don't think there's any simple answers, but just, okay, like this timeline, maybe it was never true. Maybe I am going to be pregnant after my friends or maybe my journey. Maybe there's, I don't know, other options for having children. but widening the aperture a little. It's great advice because I agree there's so much comparison that understandably we can't help but do.

1:12:52And especially when you want something in life and you are someone who's a go-getter, you're like, why is everyone else getting it and not me? And I totally understand that. But I agree with you. You have to just keep finding the good in life and things will work out. Things will work out as they're supposed to. you will find whether it's a different path or the path works like it's going to work out you have to believe that for yourself I also think something I talked about recently was then to the new moms who are like oh my gosh it worked I got pregnant I'm having this baby um um am I allowed to complain for a second and I think there's a lot of shame around not feeling like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

1:13:39And I am a new woman and I love this and this life is great. And it's like, and the changing thing looks perfect and everything's organized. And like, whenever you see these videos, there's not a thing on the ground. There's not a toy at a place. And so you start to be like, oh my God, is it me? Is there something wrong with me? And so I want to kind of go through some thoughts maybe that women have. And if you could just give any advice to that person that's having that thought. One woman may be thinking, why am I so bored. I thought this was supposed to be the most magical time of my life. Because having a baby is full of the same thing over and over, and it is monotonous, and it is pretty boring.

1:14:15So you probably feel bored because it's boring. And going back to knowing yourself, I was just talking to a good friend about this. If you're someone before having a baby who's loved spontaneity and novelty, you're the friend who brings good vibes to the party. You're the friend who says, let's do this for the weekend, you're going to find it especially boring. And so I think there's a two things are true here. I'm allowed to find this boring. And this season is not a barometer for the whole relationship I'm going to have with my kid. Love it. And also, again, everyone online, calm down. There's nuance.

1:14:48You're so grateful and happy and you love this child. But you can have these feelings. Yes. Okay. Someone thinks I thought I was supposed to have a maternal instinct, but I have no idea what I'm doing. Instinct is what you've learned up to that point. Full stop. That's what instinct is. So the idea that what we've learned until that point is going to help us in the hardest, most complicated job in the world, especially in 2026, when all the things that help our kids are being slow, quiet, available. All the thing in 2026 is fast, more, stimulation, distraction. And so the idea that that's going to come naturally, you know, probably I think what's instinctual for a lot of people is I love my kid, but knowing how to handle them freaking out during tummy time or their first meltdown or the hitting at the sandbox, that's not most people say, yeah, if I did what's instinctual, I just scream at my child.

1:15:51Right. Oh, that's helpful to hear because I have said that to some friends. I'm like, I didn't learn this. And again, I like to be an overachiever. I'm like, I'm going to try to read. I'm going to try to do the research. But like no one taught us. It's honestly similar to taxes in college. I'm like, why did I pay all this? And then I got out and I was like, dad, how do I do my freaking taxes? I got all this education for what? The things that I actually need to know. I have no idea what I'm doing. It's the same thing with motherhood where I'm like, I get everyone's talking about this maternal instinct.

1:16:22I'm going to lean in. But like, I don't know when people are like, oh, you need the changing table. and then you also need, they need enough tummy time. And I'm like, wait, why do they need tummy time? They're like, oh, because the head and the thing. And you're like, where did you learn this? Seriously, I think you're right. That especially, you know, we've put in a lot more time and energy and probably money, all of it, to learning things that are far less important than in our life, than our day-to-day interactions with our kids. So just to be able to say, some of this will come naturally and some won't, like anything else in life, that's it.

1:16:53And if it doesn't, you can learn and get support. I appreciate you normalizing not having to know everything because that to every expecting mother or current mother or future mother is like thank you Dr. Becky because I've been even having that I'm like when people are referencing certain things breastfeeding in this I'm literally sorry holding slow down what what do I have to do and I'm like I know I will learn as I go just like I've done everything in life no one handed me a manual but it does with motherhood feel a little bit like when you're looking online You're like, wait a second, how does everyone know this?

1:17:27And then you just figure it out. Yeah. Okay, next one. Someone's thinking this baby stole my body. I think this is so complicated. You've been in your own body on your own for however many decades, right? And then you're growing a human for nine months. And then I think all the movies, they don't show that after you birth this human, like your body is different for a while. And I think, and this is so helpful for you now, most moms, first 24 hours, 48 hours, first seven days, the majority of their thoughts after having a baby are about themselves. Because if you ever had major surgery, forget having a baby, any major surgery, which essentially is the same as having a baby.

1:18:17cesarean vaginal whatever think about what someone would ask you okay well what have you set up for yourself who's taking care of you what supplies do you have for your body do you know what your body is gonna kind of feel and what it's gonna look like this is what anyone would do except when you have a baby nobody does it and then you think you're selfish and it makes perfect sense so true it's like no no most people are like rest take care of yourself don't get up we'll get that for you. Then you have a baby and everyone's like, hold on a second. Like be the great mom. What are you doing? My goodness.

1:18:50Like your vagina is ripped in half. Like, I'm sorry, your vagina is ripped in half. Right. Or your abdomen is cut in half. Seven layers deep. And then you're like, why don't I have this rush of bonding? Because you're in survival mode. Right. Of course not. That's going to come after. That's so important, I think, to just acknowledge. And I think there's a lot of women who don't say it because it feels insane that even to just hear that right after you're going to be thinking about yourself because that is survival mode of I'm trying to keep myself alive. Yes. So I can also be alive for this baby, but I've got to take care of me.

1:19:25It's we're back to the plane, Dr. Becky. We are. When they say put the oxygen on first before you take care of the child. You have to be whole and good. Yes. And let's stay with that, that the pilot, because there's a million pilot metaphors. That makes sense. pilots board the plane before passengers do. They have a little time for themselves. And think about a pilot. If you're on a plane and you hear a pilot say, I love my passengers so much, I've been flying for three weeks straight with no rest. Three weeks straight with no rest because I love you so much and I don't even want... Get me off that plane.

1:20:00No, I'd be like, you need to go for a nap immediately. Now. And actually, there's law that pilots, after a certain number of hours, have to go off the plane and take care of themselves because we know their job of taking care of others depends on that. So as a new parent, as a parent of older kids, whatever it is, we've created this false binary that I'm taking care of my kids or taking care of myself. You would never want to be on a plane with a pilot who wasn't taking care of themselves. Oh, we're loving this. Oh, the ladies needed to hear this one today. Okay. I don't trust myself. I feel anxious every time I'm alone with my baby.

1:20:40You know what I'd start with? It sounds like if I go back to confidence is self-trust. Well, it sounds like you actually do trust something. You're noticing you're very anxious when you're alone with your baby. We're just gonna start there. You do trust that experience. Tell me more about it. Tell me, what is that like? Oh, well, I'm always worried I'm gonna drop my baby. And honestly, kind of obsessive compulsive thoughts after you have a baby are one of the most common forms of anxiety. And it sounds really scary. It's like, I don't want to, what if I drop my baby when I go down the stairs? Who thinks that?

1:21:13Oh my goodness, who thinks that? And then what you do is you get in an avoidance cycle. You ask your mom who's in, can you take the baby down the stairs? Right? And then you tell yourself, I don't trust myself because in some ways it's been hard to separate. That's a thought. In fact, the thought gives me pain because I don't want to do it. Right? And so, look, this is such a good reason to make sure someone said what I do for all my friends when they're pregnant is I give them a name of a good postpartum therapist. Need it or not. And if they have a partner, I give it to the partner. But also just knowing these thoughts are normal.

1:21:48You're adjusting to something totally new. I'm taking care of another human who's, you know, just completely dependent on me. And I also love how you're saying, like, again, thoughts are not facts. Saying things out loud though Is so helpful Because then Like you just said Oh I'm so Oh it seems like you're anxious Why? Like a lot of times The fear I'm sure It can be unlocked by Talk to me about what's going on That's right Whether it's your partner To your mom To someone who's helping you Anyone who's around They're gonna By you just expressing What this fear is That's being This intrusive thought Yep All of a sudden There's probably going to be A helpful solution Around the corner But we need to be able to feel comfortable enough to actually vocalize what we're feeling instead of feeling shame to be like, I don't want to say this out loud because it sounds actually crazy.

1:22:38Yeah. And I think you're right. You're taking it from something so global and you're just trying to find the specific nuggets. Again, so glad you told me that. Well, when do you feel like that? Tell me more. And then we can get into something more specific to intervene. It's a great point. Okay. Someone says, I was happier at work and I'm secretly really excited to go back. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad mom? So you are not a bad mom. Many moms feel like this. And I think this is also probably, Alex, helpful for you to reflect on. If you think about, let's say, zero to 10, with 10 being the highest, how stimulating your life is before you have a baby.

1:23:13Everyone should know their number before they go in. And everyone has a number that they kind of like. Some people like a 10 out of 10 stimulating. They like the work, and they love the conversations, and they love hard projects and they kind of like to travel. They like complex things. They like moving a lot. Being with a baby is very low stim. Very low stim. The best your day gets is your apartment looks kind of as good as it did in the start. You're probably not leaving your house. It's really hard to leave your house. You're like, all I did was what? I guess I fed. I washed some things. How is at 6 p.m.

1:23:48And so your body is really adjusting. And if especially your work is a pretty stimulating environment, there's an understandable crash your body has totally separate from how much you love your baby. Totally separate things.

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1:26:51Like how can the partner who is getting to go out into the world and still interact and be an adult human being interacting with the other adults and coming back and getting kind of the good parts of both? How can that partner be supportive of the person at home? Great. Such a good question. I mean, to me, if that dynamic gets enacted a lot, and I think what it says in terms of, let's say it's that mom's more core internal need is, what's the wish? I think that's like a helpful framework always. What's the wish? Well, I wish even as I'm home, I had moments of my week where fill in the blank, I was out talking to other adults.

1:27:28I was talking about something with someone that wasn't how many ounces the baby ate, right? Okay. And if it becomes less about you have this and I don't, and more, okay, well, underneath that comparison, is there something I wish for, then I'd like my partner's help figuring out how I can carve out time for me to meet those needs. So on Saturday, can you do this? And I'm going to go get those needs met. It's a great point. Again, I think like we talked about boundaries. Now it's actually like a lot of this comes down to vocalizing what you need because a lot of it is probably you're internally going through a lot.

1:28:05And you just went from essentially knowing one version of yourself. And then now you're meeting an entirely new version of yourself. And I even will admit sitting here, I'm like, I am so excited for this time off. Like I've never really taken time off. I can't wait. But there is a little part of my brain that's like, you think you're going to be able to go almost three months with like no work and just this baby. And that sounds to me amazing. But I'm like, oh, I know myself. I'm going to get the itch and I'm going to have these feelings. and to not make myself feel guilty for not being so satisfied with just sitting in a home with this child, but finding other things for myself to do to feel like I'm stimulated.

1:28:51That doesn't make me a bad mother. No. I mean, if I think about my first couple days after having my first, I mean, I had an emergency C-section for my first and I had to be under anesthesia. Like it was a, you know, my son came out, you know, totally healthy. But I come home and I am, I've always really liked action. And I was baking biscotti. And this is like a totally psychotic thing to do, you know, and I was like cooking for people coming over. And I said to my husband one day, I think it was like day six, I go, this is crazy. I only need four hours of sleep. No. Obviously, he was like, oh, my goodness, we've gone to the dark.

1:29:31we've gone like you're losing it i'm losing it and then i crashed wait did you say this on day so it's probably day six after having a baby yeah no no and you had a c-section and a c-section no no no no no i was not paying attention to anything going on i think um my brain was like running and in some ways i think trying to repeat the life i had had yeah eight days prior like just let's get back to it back and i completely crashed i mean i had to go back to the hospital they it was like so bad. And I think you're right, though, to go in knowing I wish someone had said, Becky, your brain is going to want to keep doing all the things.

1:30:10And that's probably where deep down you've gotten value. You get endorphins. You feel like yourself. You are about to meet a totally different part of yourself, not just Becky as mom, but Becky as someone who stays in bed. My husband made me nap after that every day. I'd say, this is insane. I'm not even tired. every day I would nap every day but I didn't know it I didn't I didn't you fall asleep in two seconds I'm not even tired it's like good but you're like okay literally best nap of your life every literally every day oh wow yeah we have no we have to listen to our bodies and we have to not try to just pretend like something didn't massively change yeah um okay you give the best advice We're going to do some rapid fire to get your take on some hot parenting topics.

1:30:57Are you ready? Ready. Okay. Your kid says, I hate you. What do you do? I would say nothing in that moment. Probably say it again. I'd say, I love you. Let's talk when, you know, things are a little cooler. Okay. Screen time. Do you have any best practices? This one's so hard because people, everyone has different lives. We need different things. I really respect that. And screen time tends to be the solution to the problem today and the cause of the problem tomorrow. Oh, that one hurt. That was a good, that's a good line. Oh, that's a good one. Let's quote that. Okay. Is bribing your kid ever okay?

1:31:39Yes. Certain situations require M &Ms to get out the door. It's fine. Okay. I love that. How do you provide for your child without making them spoiled? This is a more nuanced question than it appears on the surface, because I think we're talking about spoiled and entitlement. Entitled kids are kids who've never learned how to tolerate frustration. And worse, they're kids whose frustration was met with an exit ramp. And so they believe the world should continue to offer that. I am not someone who should feel frustrated, which you can't blame a kid for when they're 18 if that was kind of what was taught to them.

1:32:15So the best way for kids not to become entitled and spoiled is to make sure tolerating frustration, not avoiding it or exiting from it is just part of the everyday life of a kid. That's great advice. How do you handle the in-law who undermines all of your parenting? Oh, my God. I feel like we could do a whole episode on this. Yeah. I mean, I think this comes down to your marriage and how open you can be together about kind of those dynamics. And then, you know, I do think there's a kill them with kindness approach and say it's to my mother-in-law, where you can, you know, say some version of like, hey, our relationship is important to me.

1:32:55Let me start with that. And it's probably only going to become more important now that I have a kid. And I know you really care about that kid as well. I'd love to talk to you about something that has been kind of hard in the house that I'd love to be able to shift because I know we both want the best for this kid. Right. And so being on the same team against a problem, the problem is the different messages. The problem is the passive aggressive comment. If we can see a situation that way versus the problem is my mother-in-law, we can usually align with someone instead of against them. You're good at this.

1:33:28Whoa. Easier said than done in the real life. Whoa. Okay. If a child goes through a phase where they are strongly preferring one parent, What do you do? Totally normal. Again, kids are just playing around with their relationships. They're trying to figure it out. What do you do? It's usually harder for the non-preferred parent, right? You can't give me a bath. Only mommy can give me a bath, right? Number one, try humor. Just actually, in general, lean into a resistance instead of fighting it. It's so true. I don't even know where a bath is. And I pick up my kid, is this the bath? And I kind of hold my kid over the toilet.

1:34:04it. My kid's going to say, that's not the bath. All of a sudden, we're connected. And usually, I can roll with it. Or just the other version is just allow it and just kind of move on. You wish mom was giving you a bath tonight. That's it. And then keep going. I like the humor advice. That's good. If you see another kid being mean to your own kid, when do you step in? um i mean i think there's probably degrees and then there's repetition right so something seems really out of control really bullying i might step in state you know right away and just say whoa that is not okay in this house i'm not gonna let that happen i have two good kids you can't talk to my kid like that there's no more of that or maybe it's lower key and i'm more think Like, why does my kid let these little things keep happening?

1:34:55And then I'd probably intervene with my kid, again, in a quiet moment. Hey, I'm noticing whenever Kieran comes around, he takes all your trucks and says, you can't play with any of your own trucks. What's going on there? Do you like that? Do you want to figure out what you could say? Let's think about that together because I know those situations are hard in the moment. But I feel like if we kind of come up with a little game plan, we can figure it out together. And at what point do you go to the other kid's parent? I don't know if there's an exact science to this. You know, again, it's probably something to do with how extreme and the repetition.

1:35:30And again, I think these can actually be productive conversations. If again, we assume this kid is probably also a good kid, having a hard time, not having enough boundaries, whatever it is, I can say, look, I want to share something with you. Let me just say off the bat, I don't think there's any bad kid here. But this is something I know I would want to know. and I want to share it in a way that you might find useful in your home, here's what I notice. Great. Okay, what is your take on allowing your children to see you cry or really break down? I mean, I don't know if the word allow is how I think about it.

1:36:01Sometimes that happens. Again, our kids are kind of assessing our sturdiness. So if I can help it, I probably don't want to be breaking down all the time. But seeing us cry doesn't kind of disorient a kid as much as seeing us cry and then not talking about it or making up a random story that doesn't make sense, right? So hard things in a kid's environment, that's not what's hard for a kid. What's hard for a kid is when they notice things in their environment and no adults talk to them about it because then they have to make up their own story, Right? And the stories a kid makes up tend not to be accurate or useful.

1:36:42Right? And so if you cry, just talk about it with your kid. Hey, you saw me crying over there. You know? And then whatever version feels developmentally appropriate. I was talking to a friend who got some sad news about someone she loves. And sometimes when our friends are sad, we're sad. You know? And then I think a line that's helpful is, you know, I can be sad and take care of you at the same time. Because that's probably what a kid is really wondering. That's so helpful. Just everything I think also that you've shared today about like so much of it is kids really, how did you say it earlier?

1:37:13You're like, they're just wanting to understand like who they are in the world and is this real and what's happening. And so as a parent, just like giving them guidelines and guidance in those moments where they're kind of floundering and looking around, not giving them the answer, but just giving them those safety guardrails in moments that feel scary is really helpful to take away from today for me. And kids notice everything. They notice more than we do because, right, their survival is dependent on their attachment with us because they can't take care of themselves for an insane amount of time.

1:37:47And so they have to perceive everything in the environment. Is that safe? Is that safe? Is that a threat? Is that a threat? So they notice everything. And so I think sometimes we think we're protecting them by not talking about something. They've already seen it. So either they've seen it and they have a story from you to understand or they've seen it and then they have to make up their own story or they start to go back to conference, Alex. They start to doubt their perceptions. Well, mommy's belly does keep getting bigger or I do keep hearing my uncle's name and cancer all the time. But maybe I'm wrong.

1:38:24Maybe I don't really notice that because no one's talking to me about it. You have done so much work. I'm wondering, like, what are you most focused on and interested in now? You know, it's such good timing for this conversation because I think my parenting work, so much of it started with pregnant women and new parents in my practice, right? And when I started Good Inside, I had toddlers and then my kids have grown up into teens. And so that's kind of naturally where so many things went. But now at Good Inside, we're so excited to be focused on the pregnancy and baby stage because in some ways, I think it's how we really start to lose ourselves, especially as moms.

1:39:07We're obsessed with the fruit size of our baby, which, by the way, I totally was, too, and it's very fun. And we track everything, which, again, I think we can do. But we kind of lose track of ourselves by only kind of focusing on everyone else. And so to be able to help new parents and show up and just say, yeah, let's help you with the feeding. Let's help you with the sleep. But also let's help you with you. Let's help you learn to set boundaries. Let's help you in your partnership before things explode. And that's what's really exciting me right now. You also are writing children's books. Yes.

1:39:41What is different about your book? You know, I love children's books. I'm obsessed with children's books. I also think they've always helped me be a good parent when I'm too exhausted to be a good parent. Like I'd come home and I'm like, I can't. I'm like, all right, I can read. So let me just pick out a book that feels like it has some good themes and I can ask like one question at the end. I'm like, perfect. Have myself in the back. So I wanted to give parents, I think, their tools when they're the right books. And I always love Robert Munch books. I just, they show kids doing not nice things, saying not nice things.

1:40:19My kids always loved them. And I've never been too afraid that seeing those things are going to make my kids act that way. And my kids are exposed to all types of things in the real world. But a book with some hard stuff allows me to say, oh, I wonder what you would do if you were Charlie. Oh, have you ever felt like Pia? Do you know, I don't know if you knew this, but when I was six, I hit people sometimes. If you want to have your kids mouth drop and have successful interventions with them, you tell them that's right. they're like, what? My amazing mom used to hit. And you're like, oh, yeah.

1:40:53Oh, yeah. Let me tell you about that. And now all of a sudden you reduce shame because you can say you're not the only one. But if they hear a story of when you struggled with something they're going through, they have proof that they're not the only one. And nothing changes behavior as much as adding that component. So I was thinking, let me show real situations. Every parent has them anyway. And also show parents through a picture book how maybe they can intervene a little differently. And then to be able to read a book like that and then say, yeah, I had that. Or what do you think? Again, you're going to have an eight-second conversation, okay?

1:41:31But that's all sometimes that you need to unstick things. Absolutely. Okay, last question. as someone who's about to enter the mom club and to anyone that's watching that's also about to become a new mother, what is your last piece of advice? Anything that comes to mind, it doesn't need to be the best advice, but just anything that you want to leave and impart your wisdom on me and us with today. I mean, I think the best framework, you know, I think about as someone's becoming a mom is just knowing yourself and making sure you're in the equation is a foundation to taking care of a child. And so if you know the things that make you feel like you, right, and you kind of, when I get concrete, you write them down.

1:42:21Hopefully some of them are small. Like I love dancing to some song from high school. It makes me remember I loved that or I really like to work out a couple days a week for 20 minutes, but that makes me feel strong in my own body. You'll probably have a hard time doing them for the first number of months. But just knowing that part of your job as a mom is keeping those things alive for your benefit and for your kids' benefit. That's what I wanna make sure people know. It's such good advice. I am definitely going to do that because I could see myself being like, oh my God, I'm losing my way and what do I wanna do?

1:42:58And it's like, well, what made you happy before? And what makes you feel like yourself? And I agree, so you can show up to be the best version of yourself. And it seems simple, but just from what everything I've heard from friends who have gone through this, like you're in this little vortex and it can be a lot and overstimulating and confusing and all of that is okay. And you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself in order to feel your best because, yes, this child is amazing, but you deserve to live also a happy life. And being a mom is not your entire identity. You were someone, like you said, for decades before this.

1:43:38So you're not just going to like drop her off on the side of the road and just like come up with a whole new persona and identity. You still have to nourish that side of yourself while also embracing the new aspects of yourself. I think that's exactly it. And all the hard parts that can I stay with my kid when they're having a tantrum instead of just, you know, making it go away right away. if I've had a couple moments of my week where I feel like me, my ability to do that is so much higher than if it's just one kind of thing after the next of only taking care of someone else. So I think it all comes together.

1:44:12Dr. Becky, I can't thank you enough for coming on Call Her Daddy. I feel enlightened. I feel inspired. I feel more prepared. And I also feel like there's so much in here that tangibly I appreciate you giving so many concrete examples because I really feel like there's so many things that people probably quite literally were writing down today I know I'm like going to go back and write all this down you are such an inspiration you have such a clear vision and it's really really nice to have a woman who can speak so eloquently about something that is very complicated and it is very intimidating and so thank you for giving us your time and I know we went a while, but I needed to squeeze everything out of you.

1:44:59So thank you so much for coming. Thank you. You asked such an amazing range of really thoughtful questions. I really enjoyed this. So thank you.

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