Emma Chamberlain - Part 2 (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy.

0:13is there anything that made you almost quit I will say there has been a lot of times where I've almost quit and how do you not like what are the what brings you back to not quitting well I'm in an interesting spot now where you know I'm 20 and I am in a spot where I'm ready to evolve things and I don't really know what that means for myself right now but I need to like find what mediums and what things make me excited because I was in this hamster wheel of, you know, creating content every single week for four years. And the thing that kept me coming back was the fact that that's the, it's like literally like a disease.

1:16Like when you start doing YouTube or you start a podcast or whatever you do, which I, you know, I've been doing both now for like two years or so like you're like if I miss a week I'm done people are gonna fucking forget people won't care and you you like guilt trip yourself into pushing through even the roughest moments because I burped um because there's this stigma that like the second you take a break you're out but I'm done with that I've taken a break for the past few months I'm like sorry I'm done or two month or so not that long but I was like I'm burnt out so I'm gonna take a fucking break

2:09I'm burnt out so I'm gonna take a fucking break when we talk about going through this hamster wheel process it's so hard to explain like a tangible feeling that it is and like I talk about it in therapy all the time like I started this podcast kind of like when you started YouTube and you didn't have anything in mind of like a start or end date it was like I'm just gonna start this and then all of a sudden you wake up and you're like I've been doing this for years yeah And like, who am I without my podcast? Who are you without YouTube? Who is Emma Chamberlain? And it's like, there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

2:50It's also not like the type of thing that you can ever stop thinking about. I've been thinking about YouTube for four years straight. There's not been a day or an hour that has gone by where something about it has not come into my head. And whether it's like, how do I want to evolve my videos? You know, what am I going to film next? Like, what are people going to think of that video? Was that video shit? like same thing with my podcast was this episode did I rant too much did this episode like was this episode fucking annoying like was I repeating myself too much you know it's like there's no end date there's no room for a real break there is but you don't want to let yourself believe that right and there's no room for mistakes there's no room for mistakes there's no room it just feels like you know your boss is humanity in a way like your boss is literally just like public opinion it feels like and that's fucking weird and it's so out of your control because the court of public opinion evolves it ebbs it flows it's not like you're reporting to one person and like being like here's my work for the week you just have to be constantly trying to guess what the people want and when you're living by that it's like what formula are you to follow there's no formula to follow it's like uncharted territory and sometimes the people don't even know what they want so if they give you an idea that might not actually work sometimes you have to predict what people want and it's just this whole mind fuck and listen I'm not complaining about it because in every job in every you know profession in life like there are elements of it that are just a nightmare and I think just with this it's like everything could just go away so quickly and I think the way that I've found peace in it is I'm like okay if it does then it does and I'll just get pregnant and have a baby this is Emma's pregnancy announcement right guys I'm pregnant like no it's like goodbye no publicist said no I have never heard someone explain it like that where your boss is the public.

5:05Every single creator does exactly what you just said. You quickly say like, and I'm not ungrateful and I'm not saying I'm not like so happy with what I have. That's not it. But in everyone's life, you have your struggles and you have your adversity that comes. And when you have millions of people every single day having not only an opinion on you, but sort of a holdover whether you have a career or not right it is a lot to fucking handle as a young adult well the thing is too about it is that as humans you know we're not supposed to I mean this is just an issue with social media in general but you're just not supposed to be exposed to that many opinions that many people's successes that many people's vacations that many people's uh hot takes you know and like when they're you know you're just like not supposed to experience that many people's lives right you're you know we're programmed biologically to only have to compare ourselves and and listen to like a handful of people right i've watched a video about this like i'm not a fucking scientist but like i did watch a video about this yeah yeah um i'm citing my sources long story short like you're just not supposed to hear from that many people it's not like something that we're evolved to be able to comprehend so it makes sense that you know for us for example like reading comments all the time from hundreds of different people sometimes thousands sometimes millions that's just not a normal experience and so when our brains react in weird ways it's like what else did we expect this is a weird situation and is not natural yeah and I hate when people say like then just don't do it yeah I I understand what you're saying but I I do love it I'm totally it's my passion so then you have to basically I think what we're both saying is like it is there is no book yeah that gives you here's a guideline right this is there is no one that can tell you like this is exactly how you act the minute you get this many followers then this is going to happen and then you talk to this therapist because they'll know how to like it there's just no formula yeah and so it's weird you eventually moved to la yes how did the change of scenery affect your videos and your life should i go pee before i do this yeah okay let me pee there go in the um sorry sorry daddy gang i'm pissing now no i'm kidding you don't want us to listen to you pee um go down the all the way down the hall okay anyways emma's back how was your pee break hello hello check check um pee break was popping it was popping i hope there was toilet paper in there i don't like we could literally talk for six hours oh wait is this just like the podcast house this is the dad pad no way yeah it's kind of nice to like not be in your own house it I used to do it from my bed all the time because where do you podcast from my bed yeah and like there's pros to that but I started to feel like I could never turn it off so I just yes I've been having that struggle recently because if that microphone is sitting on your bed or near it you just keep being like should I start should I start should I start podcast I'm like I could record right now and it will be like almost midnight and I'm like oh I have a thought and I'm like no I need to like set boundaries thank you absolutely okay okay so I asked you how did the change of scenery to LA affect your video in your life well I think a lot of people who were following me at the time when they found out I was moving to LA were like there she goes you know what I mean like there goes the girl that we fell in love with she's about to die you know what I mean like she's not gonna be here anymore and I think to a certain extent that was a valid concern and I think well okay here's the thing it it was such a huge life shift in my foundation in my reality changed so much that my sense of identity kind of went out the window and I was having to like rebuild my new I mean and this happens regardless of if you're moving to LA and doing YouTube or if you're just literally a teenager you know like there was a lot of shifting that was going on it was like I was making new friends I was starting to try to date guys like I was like living on my own and uh like trying to figure out what that entailed and like there was so many life changes all at once that like a whole new group of people a whole new scenery it was just like whatever my sense of identity was fucked and so when it came to like making videos the shift from moving from home to moving to LA took such a psychological toll on me that I don't think I was willing to admit to myself at the time but it was so exhausting to you know find your footing in a new place especially LA that like I was very drained just from life itself and so when it came time to like make YouTube videos I I was like, I am so fucking tired just from like existing here right now that I think my content at certain times throughout the first year and a half, two years of being in LA, like my content had moments of suffering because there were just moments when I was, my life itself was a mess and not even a mess in a bad way just simply a mess where I didn't feel like I had a foundation can you explain in your opinion like the good and the bad evil parts of LA when you're talking about your experience I think the good is that there are so many people here that are in a similar industry to me and to you it's so being here is nice because there's a lot of people around that can relate because it's a very unique situation and it's comfortable to be around people that are in the same industry as you

11:30but but well also another good thing about LA is that you know there's a lot more opportunities here and it's a lot easier like if you have to do a shoot for something or if you have to do an interview for something you know everybody's in the same area so it's just a lot more convenient to get a lot more done because everything's here it's either here in New York and usually it's here actually a lot of people from New York fly here to do stuff and so living here is very easy uh to get the most done and I can't take that away from LA also LA you know it's like the weather's nice and like you know you're close to the beach like there's great things about LA but I will say that there is a lot of toxic stuff about it number one being that you can't walk anywhere that makes me really upset number two that's like the stupidest thing to complain about but it sucks um number two being around people that are in the same industry as you is also not always the best thing because there's a lot of competitiveness there's a lot of trying to you know use you to get farther and that's something I didn't anticipate you know it's great when you can find someone here who is in the same space as you um that like just wants companionship but that's actually more rare than you think yeah so there's a lot of room to get fucked over when you're being friends with people in your industry and that's something that I really struggled with and experienced when you say that can you elaborate a little bit on like when was a and you know obviously you're not naming names but when was a moment that you realized like I think I'm getting used right now oh my god it's like been so many times I mean like I and sometimes using is not always a bad thing like sometimes you can even find yourself being like well yeah they're maybe using me but I guess I'm kind of using them too you know like in certain types of collaborations things like that but I think that's kind of different because usually when it comes to like a collaboration of some sort it's a mutual benefit sometimes it's not though and in those moments you're like okay I'm not benefiting from this at all this person's like profiting off of me in some way and I don't feel number one like it's having a positive impact on me and number two like I don't think that they actually care about me and so that's when it gets a little messy is when it's not a mutual thing and you can tell that they actually don't even care about you at all and you know it's a part of it again like it's a part of it and so I in retrospect now that I'm far away from all people or all things that could ever put me in a spot where I would be used or would feel taken advantage of in some way like now that I'm far away from those things and I can look back at that those moments when I did feel that way and I was wrapped up in those things I forgive because I understand that you know it's like we're all just trying to prove that we deserve to have dropped out of college or to have dropped out of high school or to have moved to LA like we're all just trying to make it happen right and so if somebody thought that they could benefit from me in some way yeah that's not nice of them but also I understand where their head was at and I'm able to forgive now when you say you're able to forgive so you've been burned by people

15:21and like again so not saying so surface but not going to into actual detail like when you say burns like can you give an example like was it someone asked you to be in a video was it someone asking to come in your videos was it someone a brand deal like what are you referring to there was like a few instances where you know people would want me to appear in their videos for example and you know I would be like I can't today because like I need to be working and I need to like I have to be doing they'd be like and you know maybe because they were more successful than me in some ways or whatever when they would be like you have to I would be like okay you know and so I was young and very yes man when I first moved to LA so if somebody in these like youtubers who are maybe more established they I think that they knew that they could kind of push me around a little bit, not only on camera, but off as well, just by, you know, like they just knew that I was really also still kind of a fan of everyone.

16:29I think they could sense that as well. So a lot of people, I think knew that they could take advantage of me and that it would be fine. And listen, again, it's fine. Like I get it, but I'm also like, but it still sucked. And it, it made me a lot less productive and it made me depressed because I felt like just an object in some ways which again I don't think that was their intent but I felt like I was just like a fucking drone a corporate drone you know what I mean like a YouTube corporate drone right um and I honestly would say that the ways that I was burned the most though were like more personal ways like the ways that just like people who were like kind of bullies to me like behind the scenes like you would never like not necessarily a on camera but like most of the shit that was like bad was like behind the scenes where it's just like shitty friends yeah point blank you know what i mean and and i feel like when you're also saying that would it also but it would always somehow tie back to content well i mean i think that our friendship was based in content you know a lot of the times it was like what was our friendship without content yeah um like if we weren't friends like if we weren't making content together would we be friends it's hard to say yeah that's what I think a lot of people um aren't able to obviously aren't privy to that information on the internet you see these people they're hanging out my god they're new friends most of the relationships that I have seen in LA are transactional a thousand percent I don't know a lot of people that like genuinely when we're all home like for like holidays like those people are not conversing yeah being like hey girl like how are you doing like it's not like that it's all based on we're back in LA you want to shoot a TikTok yes and it and and you're promoting I remember doing it in the beginning of my show when I co-host it was like we were promoting being like best friends we had met like three months before of course and it was like but you sell this like fun lifestyle and it doesn't look great I guess people think that if you're standing with someone that doesn't have followers that's actually your friend from your hometown right no one's interested in that but if you're standing next to if I'm standing next to Tana Mojo that is logistically going to get more downloads and views than if my friend Jackie from home is going to be next to me like who's that bitch yeah so there is like an incentive to create these dynamics but it's really dark well it's interesting because actually some of the friendships were like quite close friendships where we were talking a lot some of them not but like some of them genuinely were close like that but the question still remains would we be friends if we weren't making content together when we were together right and it's like that's kind of where it gets foggy right because it's like we were really close but if we weren't making content together like would we be hanging out would we even care to check in on one another you know what I mean where was the intent when did those type of dynamics when did you wake up and they stop it happened like one by one I would say like I would have kind of realization about just and it wasn't like anything some of them there was like moments where it was like a blow up where I was just like fuck you you know like this is just like not like you are using me I can tell fuck you but then other moments it was like it was more just like a drift away where I was like you know what how is our friendship off camera and if the friendship was like not good then I was like you know what I'm just gonna back away and I've always been somebody where I'm like I don't feel much sadness if a friendship's not like positive I'm I will be the first one to fucking cut it off and just because what's the point you know even if we're profiting off of our friendship even if we're not even if it's a private friendship both I will like walk away with no remorse if I feel like it's right and so that I kept that principle for all friendships you know throughout my teen years have you ever stayed in of friendship longer for fear of the public perception and the fallout yes like I've definitely like I've definitely struggled to cut off public friendships a lot more public friendships have always been harder to kind of back away from even if it was like what needed to happen for all parties you know like it's definitely harder because you're like god like you know even if this ended civilly or even if it fucking didn't yeah we you know i don't want someone else the other party to get in trouble by the court of public opinion for our friendship ending because even let's say they did the worst shit let's say they were such an asshole to me they're gonna pay enough with their own conscience yeah you know i don't think it's necessary to have the world knowing about that too what do you get anxiety about in general like what are the main things that give you anxiety I would say the main thing that gives me anxiety is the pub is something happening where my character is portrayed incorrectly and it being believed right and me not feeling like I'm able to say this is not me because I know like I don't care what anybody says I'm not a fucking bad person so and I know that and I know that because I have too much of a conscience like I I the guilt I feel about everything I I can't do bad shit like I because I just my guilt and conscience is so strong that like I almost wish I had less of that because I actually feel guilty about things I don't need to feel guilty about and it sucks you know like but I know that I'm not a bad person but I do sometimes fear that something will get in the somebody will even spread a rumor about me that's not real and that will become known as fact and I know how things work on the internet where it's like people aren't digging into every single story that they see so if like a bad story that comes out about me comes out people see it they're just going to take it as fact and let's say a week later it's proven oh that's not true like Emma Emma didn't hit an old person in the street um like people are still going to remember the article that they saw where they said where they said that I did and that's what freaks me out is that you know I don't always feel like I'm able to defend myself and I also don't always want to yeah and I also can't go in and uh diffuse every rumor about myself I would be fucking that's all I would ever do yeah you know what I mean if I went and addressed every fucking rumor or every fake blah blah blah blah about me you know I wouldn't that would be actually my full-time job so like I can't do it and so it's just like this process of trying to figure out like you know

24:03like I just feel so out of control of the public perception of me because somebody could go and lie about me tomorrow and you know what the other thing is I don't like let's say I did do something fucked up let's say I did push an old lady in the street let's say I was having a really bad day who knows there's not a lot of room for having a bad day there's not a lot of room for making a one-off mistake and even if that's not something that reflects my character how am I I can apologize and say this is not me all I want but everybody does that in how do people even know that I'm being honest you know so it's like it kind of feels like a witch hunt in a way and I think that in some areas like yeah criticism is necessary absolutely but I think that sometimes like people love it and so they want to feed the drama and I don't want to be the butt of that and listen it's happened you survive but it just fucking sucks and it sucks even more when it's not true or it's not a representation of you as a person and people make blanket statements like oh we we heard Emma did this one time Emma is now evil all around you know there was like a rumor that I was a bully in high school and I remember I was like okay and I saw like a girl from my high school made a TikTok that was fully not true it was fully not true about like me saying some mean shit during class like made of this whole like fake story I'm like girl I we went to all girls school we were like nerdy like nobody was bullying each other in high school is there a chance that I excluded somebody in high school is there a chance that I maybe made a snarky remark to someone in high school fuck yes there is there's a great chance that I probably did that sometimes I woke up too early I was in a bad fucking mood sure but I never did anything evil I know that for a fact and you know what if I did I'm sorry I I don't know I don't remember do you fucking remember what you did in high school no nobody fucking remembers and we're also kids it's like kids playing in a fucking knife drawer we're all learning how to be good people and you're gonna fuck up in that process but it's the fact that you know my identity is in the hands of like everyone who's ever met me and everybody who's ever seen me do anything and I don't have control over that and the psychological damage is quite it is crazy but also i signed up for so yeah here we are you know what i mean most people listening to this podcast right now are the ones that you're referring to as your boss my boss yeah they're listening to this and they're going to make a decision yeah do we like emma chamberlain right does the daddy gang like emma chamberlain and and i'm sure if you guys don't know and i'm sure vice versa there's going to be people that are be like why there's people that don't like me and they'll be like why did Emma go on Alex's show and it's like people are unforgiving and ruthless on the internet and not only that they are excited when there's drama like there are there have been episodes where people are like I'm gonna cancel you for having that person on your show yeah but does it say more about me for having them on why are those episodes the most downloaded though of course so that's actually you guys are listening you are the ones ingesting it you're clicking on it I don't know I it's a it's a scary industry a little bit to be in right now I agree and I think the other thing is is that there's a difference between you know somebody doing something genuinely bad right and something genuinely bad and having an intent that's like I actually like want to hurt people you know because that that happens yeah on the internet you know you see people fuck up and do things that genuinely directly harm people and they actually had the intent of harming people right I never on my whole time on the internet have ever posted something with the with a negative intent right now listen if I do something that is perceived in a way where it's like Emma that's not right and here's why that's fine I'm willing to like learn I'm always open-minded you know and I think constructive criticism there's nothing wrong with it yeah this could have been perceived in a way that was offensive and hurtful.

28:24I totally get that. Then it's like, okay, we'll go from there and thank you for letting me know. Let's move on. Like I didn't have that intent, but I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm so glad that, you know, you let me know. Yeah. I'm so happy to do better next time and to be more aware of how this could be perceived wrong. But it's when people are like, oh no. You're done. You're done. Because even though you had no idea what you were doing and even though it was a complete complete 200 accident you're still done because you made a mistake that is such fucking uncharted territory how are you supposed to predict it's like i could fucking like put on deodorant in a video and i feel like at this point somebody's gonna be like you're offending people that don't want to wear deodorant like no literally you know what i mean it's like i understand that like you have to if somebody does something wrong holding them accountable is fair and in some actually places very good I've learned so much from being on the internet and from people being like hey when you talk about this like this that's not cool and I've been like damn I would have never known that otherwise thank you like truly like I'm grateful for that but it's when it's like people twisting shit just for funsies and not giving me room to be like it just discourages me and it just makes me yeah it makes me want to disappear yeah you know how has your brand evolved when I first started uh on the internet in general I was just kind of copying what all the girlies were doing you know I was like okay I'll talk about makeup and clothes and things like that and then that wasn't really lighting my soul on fire so then I was like I'm gonna start vlogging and I just started vlogging and then I vlogged for years I I mean, I was like, you know, just like filming random shit, like whatever I thought was like funny or interesting or random at the time.

30:18I was just filming it. And so in some like more concept based videos to like stuff where I was like going to children's place and trying to pick out a cute outfit, you know, like shit like that. Yeah. And just like having fun with whatever. I kind of had no I was like my baseline theme on my channel is me. so like whatever happens I'm just like the main theme of it which I mean what kind of like self-centered idiot 16 year old do you have to be to think that that's gonna I know right I'm like damn it's about me I'm like it's about me okay that's it my what's your channel about babe it's about me tune in I promise you'll love it no but really that was it and then I think within the past like year or so I've been trying to kind of make my content a little bit more mature because Because I'm more mature, you know, so like on my podcast, I've been talking about more serious topics.

31:12And on my YouTube, you know, the last few videos I made were very like more just like chill and toned down and just relaxed and like not super based on like a gimmicky kind of concept. Like just kind of just me existing and doing whatever and like editing the videos myself in a way that I felt was like calming and more mature to watch, I would say. Because I just don't think that like I want to be making, you know, I have to evolve the things that I'm putting out or also seeming genuine. They have to evolve with me or else it's like not going to work.

32:01You mentioned kind of having an identity crisis. You have an entire life to live. How do you see this public persona that you created basically as a child? Yeah. Evolving into adulthood. this is something I've been thinking about a lot because I think that the last four years or whatever of me being on the internet you know I when it came to my career I was just in autopilot I was just like pumping shit out and it was coming from my heart still but it was like I was just kind of like on go go go go go mode so I wasn't thinking about anything too deeply and I also wasn't thinking about I definitely wasn't thinking about my own personal identity when no one's around and I'm by myself and I look in the mirror who is that I was so focused on working 24 7 for the past four years that I was teetering between having no thoughts and being burnt out and just feeling like I was like dying because I just could not look at a final cut pro one more fucking time right um but then also moments of just like absolutely just busting shit out and like it was just like back and forth teetering that left no time for me to ever have a free moment to be like okay wait who am I outside of all this so for the past for the past four years you know I've just been on the in this hamster wheel of working and working and working and working and working and you know kind of exploiting myself at times to just do as much as I possibly could especially because I started to get so many opportunities that I was excited about I was like well I don't want to say no you know what I mean like I like I want to do everything but you can't do that but I didn't know that at the time so I was spreading myself so thin and giving myself no time to sit back and be like okay wait who the fuck are you who the fuck are you and within the past I would say honestly especially two or three months I've been having a lot of like psychological struggles because I'm like, I'm now having to figure out, like, refine my identity after, like, shoving it away for the past four years, ignoring it and just putting that on the back burner.

34:31It's like, now I'm left being like, I don't even know what fulfills me, what excites me, what, you know, makes me feel like I have purpose outside of my work. I don't know what it is because I've not let myself go there. I didn't have the time to go there. And so that's kind of what I'm figuring out now and you know I've gotten to a place where it got so dark for me you know even recently that I was like well I don't fucking care if everything goes away I'm like I don't care because I'm so I'm so disconnected from myself that like I need to refine that and if when I'm ready to come back to the internet fully and if when I'm ready to like you know get back into the swing of things like i if if people don't want to watch anymore people don't care anymore i need to do what i gotta do yeah it's impossible to develop your identity and be online at the same time because developing your identity means silence you need silence you need alone time you need to be intimate with people you know you need all these types of things that do not align with being a fucking youtuber or even being a podcaster at times you know i think podcast is like when it comes to personal identity it's easier especially too because like they can't always see you there's something nice about i don't know but with youtube specifically it's like trying to develop your personality and simultaneously continue to be consistent on the internet it's like you cannot do both because you have to have a fully formed something to show did you ever watch harry potter you know i did okay did you watch the reunion no emma you need to watch it i don't know if anyone listening is a harry potter fan but some people may consider me like slytherin i'm more of like a gryffindor hufflepuff you're giving me gryffindor through and through and i like and i don't say that about many people like slytherin bitch i'm like no i'm Hufflepuff like no I'm not you're not Huffle you're Gryffindor anyways it is fascinating because Emma Watson Daniel Radcliffe and I think it was Ron who was like I love how I'm calling the see I'm even calling them by those names of course of course they literally said they were like when we stopped the movies I genuinely felt uncomfortable when people called me my real name I didn't feel like I could even identify with that name totally child stars or child performers or now internet kids that come up on the internet they are losing some of their identity in the characters that they're portraying how did the growth of Emma Chamberlain stop when Emma Chamberlain the internet character was born you know I I wouldn't say that like my growth completely stopped because I you know it's like I was still growing I for the last four years made my entire purpose in life to like at a certain point I was like my entire purpose is to now succeed at this and take it as far as I can and enjoy it while I'm doing it, right?

37:48And so I put away and threw away all other purposes that I had even brewing in me. I was like, I don't give a fuck about anything else. I'm throwing all of my eggs in this basket. You know what I mean? I want to make, this is my only purpose. And then now I'm at a place where I've arrived at what I wanted to happen. And now I'm left with this feeling where I'm like, this is fucking amazing. And I'm so happy that I'm here, but I don't have any more goals in this area. Right. I don't have any more thing. I don't want to get more followers. I don't want to get more views. I don't care about that shit anymore.

38:32You know, like at a certain point, I was like, I would love to grow this as big as I can. Like whatever. Now I'm like, I don't really think it needs to go any bigger. Like I'm good. You know what I mean? I'm fine with it, how it is now um so I'm having to like figure out now what things will give me purpose outside of this and it's a fucking hard pill to swallow I didn't I you know I'm like I'm 20 and I'm like where I have to now I have to find a whole new purpose but also everybody is looking at me and is like look at like you know but you but you have this to look at and I'm like I need something bigger and deeper for myself that might not have anything to do with the internet you know what I mean I just don't know what that is yet and so that's been something that I've been struggling with is like you know I haven't had time to like you know do hobbies or whatever but the other thing is is that I'm now in a routine where like I don't really have a lot of inspiration to do things that don't involve my work which is a weird thing that like because my work in my hobbies became one right right so like I don't have like the desire to do other little hobbies that like my brain convinces me are pointless to do you know what I'm saying well and also your job yeah has flowed in not only to like your purpose and your hobby but it's also flowed into like your actual lifestyle and living every part of my life you can't go you're not even 21 but if once you're 21 you can't go to a bar yeah and not get recognized and what you do in that bar is a direct reflection on your job which is your purpose and so every single aspect of your life is wrapped up basically in your job yeah which for some people is very normal and for some people it's like oh I work and when fucking Friday hits I am a different beast on the weekend you don't have a weekend yeah it's it's honestly like everything in my life is melded into one where it's like my job my social life or lack thereof most of the time because I'm too anxious but like you know every element of my life is all connected you know I don't have a separation of things and because of that it all feels like everything could fall apart if I just pushed the wrong domino and it could just all fucking fall down like you know it's it's everything feels very fragile which is why I'm now like okay I can't have all my eggs in this basket I want to continue doing this this is you know my passion and something that I I enjoy doing this stuff right but I have to find a life outside of it and solidify that life and like make that life something where I'm not so worried about what people think of me on the internet I'm not so worried about you know if this all went away tomorrow because I do have this life outside of it that's so rich that it doesn't matter walk me through social anxiety now with this platform it is I mean of course like I do love meeting people I mean I really do and I'm I am generally a social person I would say like I'm I don't really get social anxiety about talking to people like if somebody comes up I mean there's been moments when it's been like kind of overwhelming or something just because it was like you know I was late to something or blah blah blah I always you know the actual interaction itself is always pleasant you know the only thing that I'm paranoid about is people who don't maybe like me and see me in public and they are like want to film me or are like watching me and like making fun of me behind my back like it's the fact that I could be anywhere and somebody might recognize me and I might not actually know that they know me if somebody comes up to me and like says oh my god like what's up you know like that's sweet I I don't actually mind that.

42:34It's the fact that I don't know when I'm just another human being drifting through the street or when somebody is watching me because they've seen me before. That is what makes me anxious. And that's what makes it hard, you know, because I'm constantly feeling like I'm being surveillanced, whether I know it or not. What are you doing, though, like tangibles, in order to try to find and redefine that identity that you're looking for? um I think a big step in it was deciding like that I'm gonna probably step back from YouTube okay you know just because I will say that and I mean I don't know I'm not making anything definite right I'm just like this is just where I'm at now I take it day by day that's what I have to do or else I lose my mind but um I I do like for me doing a weekly podcast is something that I can do because I mean it's very much me sitting in bed and like just talking um but I also think that by stepping back from YouTube I have a lot more free time so that I can figure out okay maybe I want to like you know who knows what I want to do but like I might want to do something else that's creative that I can create for you know the world to hopefully enjoy if they decide to enjoy it like it gives me room to explore number one like what I could do next in my career but also it gives me more time to like develop friendships properly because I also you know don't like to have people in my videos or in my on my podcast or anything because I just gives me too much anxiety and I like it just to be me and so you know it caused me to push a lot lot of people away because I couldn't combine work and play you know I had to keep those very separate and so because of that it was like I didn't hang out with people very often so I'm taking this time to just like have as much free time as possible and just let myself get really bored and like see what I do to entertain myself I also hear when you're saying you're going to give yourself that freedom to find things you like but then don't grab the camera and film it for content like no it's yours let it be yours yeah let a hobby be yours and don't be like oh this would make a good vlog yes like you there's got to be a line for yourself like no because then you're working like do it for yourself I can already feel like the tension you're like fuck I know and I know I've done it too where I'm like oh that was such a fun moment and then I have to exploit it on my podcast and I'm like it's hard I and I think I have to be strict with myself and be like emma like you know you can do your podcast yeah but you can't be posting videos and be trying to figure out who you are and what you enjoy to do when the camera's off if the camera's still fucking on every week you just can't figure it out so you know i don't know like what's like yeah i'm constantly like changing my like i'm like oh now i'm doing this oh wait now i'm doing this like i'm all over the place right dude you're 20 as you should be Right.

45:48So it's like I but I just don't think I also don't know if I feel like there might be something else out there that might excite me career wise. It might light me like my soul on fire, you know, like there's something out there that I might be missing. Yeah. And so I want to have a little bit of time to explore that and see like what I want to do next. That's going to be exciting to me. I think that's amazing. so yeah in terms of growing up basically on the internet you have presented a very like pc brand and no sex no like we don't even know like has emma chamberlain ever had sex has she ever kissed a boy has she ever get like we don't know right how has people's fascination with your sexuality affected your sexuality yeah it's really interesting because I always I I struggled with my sexual identity growing up as well because as I mentioned earlier like I was just a late bloomer and I just also wasn't like an ultra feminine girl and I've never been like a super stereotypically feminine woman but yet like I I am a straight woman like that's what I am but like no one ever like I've always gotten like shit for that you know and people have growing up too you know like people being like that's not true and I'm like you guys like why and and I mean listen like I don't ever want to complain like sexuality is such a tough and like intimate and emotion filled subject that like I don't want to complain about people like you know questioning my sexuality because I know it can be so much worse and so much more complex um so I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but at the time I was like you know people like I remember my ex-boyfriend uh was like we were dating and like one of his friends like was like dude like she doesn't actually like you like she I don't think she actually likes you like she's I think she likes girls like I don't think she likes you and then he came to me and told me that and I was like why the fuck would you say that like just why the fuck would you say that like why are you assuming that like because that's not true and if it was true so fucking be it but like why is this like why are people speculating like I'm like I'm dating it like why do you think he thought that so he actually told my ex-boyfriend why he thought this and it was because I didn't wear makeup and I and I wore sweatpants a lot so all of a sudden now I'm like not allowed to like boys I was like shut like right holy fuck I mean seriously like just stupid and I mean I've always thought like I mean I get it we're humans like we're curious about other humans and so I don't think it's like I don't think there's anything wrong with within the privacy of your own mind to look at somebody else and be like hmm I wonder this this or that about their sexuality if you do that within the safety of your own mind totally fine sure but don't go to my boyfriend and be like dude like I think you're barking up the wrong tree here like that's so fucking rude did that affect your relationship then with your boyfriend in terms of psychologically for you was it always I was like well all of a sudden now I feel like I need to start being like not myself like this is me right you know what I mean this is just who I am like trying to prove now you're straight like no I do like guys I do like you yeah and I'm like why the fuck should I have to prove that anyway nobody should ever have to prove shit about never it's like it's so incredibly nobody's business which is I think why like I've always kind of been afraid of getting into it is just because I'm like sexuality is also something that has ebbs and flows too like some moments you're like oh my god I'm on like a roll I'm just like hooking up with everybody and like I just whatever and sometimes you're like I literally can't remember the last time I felt like any kind of excitement about anything sexually yeah like there's so many moments things are constantly evolving there but um I also think that I'm just not somebody where actually let me rephrase because I was a very late developer as a young person and because I didn't get any attention from guys really for my appearance um I definitely like became used to getting attention from what I was talking about and like what I was and how I was behaving and like that was what I started to lean into more because I was like well people don't I don't have boobies so like nobody's looking at me for my boobies so you know I have to figure out some other way to get attention and so that kind of became muscle memory where I was like well now I just feel like nobody's ever looking at me and is like looking at me in a sexual way so in order to like get attention I just have to like utilize my personality and then hope that like through that somebody will be able to be attracted to me in a more sexual way like if they maybe like like me personality wise so that's kind of what I became used to but it always made me feel shitty because I was like I just don't think guys are looking at me and are like looking at me in a sexual way ever and that fucked with me because I was like but but why like you know what I mean I was like this sucks and even now that I'm older and like I like my boob has grown like maybe like this much like like a tiny little little tiny bit but now that I'm older you know it's like even though like that's not really as much of an issue anymore it's still there's a little trauma there you know where in the back of my head I'm like number one I remember people always not believing that I was like that I was somebody who prefer dating men uh which like fucked with me but then also like I uh like have memories of like just guys not being attracted to me physically and then on top of that

52:31like I'm also just not a super outwardly sexual person like I never present myself in a very outwardly sexual way I'm just not comfortable doing that and I don't have there's nothing wrong with doing that I just it's never felt right to me um and I've always felt like well because I'm not an outwardly sexual person um like does that make me less attractive too in some ways you know what I mean so but like that's just it's so interesting though because the perception of me is is so interesting for me to like watch like people are like I've seen comments that are just like there's just no way like Emma's ever had sex and I get it but I get it but then that fucks with me because I'm like I get why they think that so it like creeps me you know what I mean I will admit I'm a tomboy and I have been my whole life and so my brand is weird because I was so over sexualizing myself totally that I felt imposter syndrome sometimes where I'm like that's not actually the full truth like I don't I'm not incredible in bed every night that's the truth some days I'm really tired and like and so for me it was like weird to acknowledge that but for you do you ever find yourself like pushing yourself to try to be more feminine so that you feel something like does that make sense a thousand percent I I mean my like experiences in throughout my life actually i haven't had like a lot of one-off experiences like i've mainly just been in relationships which i think was good and bad you know what i mean well i think okay i would say when it came to like any experience i've ever had in my life where it's been like a sort of one time thing which hasn't actually happened a lot but every time that it has I feel like I've been able to kind of play a game where maybe I'm being a little bit more feminine because it's like it's just fun like it's just fun it's like I can just like be whatever the fuck I want right now and it's like a fake confidence you give yourself by acting it out you're like I can be this way I am you can't do that in a relationship no because the fucking the colors come out far too quick so like I've never really been able to like play that game in a relationship I definitely have done that in the few times that I've like again like so it's happened but never in relationships but I found that in past relationships I didn't feel as respected by guys that have dated in the past just because I feel like they kind of well especially like one relationship in particular but it was just like I just felt like you know he was very critical of the fact that I like maybe wasn't a super feminine girl and like sometimes he was like oh it's actually super cool and chill and then sometimes he was like he was like like if i had like put on jeans and come over he would be like oh my god like you finally like put effort in like that's crazy like it was like and you're like and i'm like dude shut the fuck off like i'm like or you know if i would be wearing makeup or whatever it would be like a big deal and like it would be like oh my god you're wearing makeup like whoa you know what I mean or like or like you should wear heels tonight and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about like I'm like no like I felt like I wasn't enough yeah and in like the areas that I was feminine weren't enough so I felt like you know there was an effort to like make me more feminine to fit what they wanted which is like again it's like we were fucking kids we were all my relationships happen you know at such young ages that it's like of course there's gonna be shit like that yeah um but I would say I'm fully comfortable now in like what areas I'm more feminine and what areas I'm more masculine because I simply just getting into a relationship where my masculine and feminine traits are appreciated but also like you know dating somebody who like just doesn't care about that shit and is just like enjoys people for like being a person like that it's like in less about like and also it's like kind of similar to me in the sense where like maybe not the super traditional super masculine super feminine like that's not playing any roles in our relationship yeah you know so and that's what it is is like anyone listening like sometimes it just takes finding the right partner that you don't need to change yourself no you just need to find someone that like aligns with making you feel like you can be 100 authentically yourself around them and when you do that it's a it's a beautiful place to be in it really is so this is call her daddy yes i have had sex alex can you tell me would can you tell me when you lost your virginity or no yeah okay i was i've never talked about this on the internet this is so fun this is color daddy and i'll get roasted well i also like in my personal life i talk about sex all the time yeah that's why it's so fucking weird for me that i never talk about it like i'm not like i talk about it all the time so it's like not and you're not saying in your show you just mean in real life yeah like in real life I'm I am like I talk about it all the time so it's weird that time you were talking about it with me I'm not saying like even just sex she's not like Emma's not like an info like I have so much sex you guys right but like it I was surprised I remember on that zoom how naturally you discussed just like oh yeah like I loved that like I've listened to your show and I like and I was like oh shit I had no fucking idea your brand is very specific and it's not that you're avoiding it it's just it's not talked about well that's the thing it's like if something's not talked about then how are you supposed to like know how someone where someone stands on a topic and it's interesting because yeah I just like it's so bizarre to like talk about it but it's also kind of fun okay because I feel like I'm old enough now like I'm finally old enough where I get to talk about it I like the Disney Channel effect it was like when Miley Cyrus was like I have to go to the such extreme and go like dance on a pole because like everyone sees me as a baby and I need them to not see me as that.

59:06Meanwhile, she was like probably like fucking smoking weed on set. Yes. At Hannah Montana. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. There's so many things that like. The perceptions can pigeonhole you and then it does affect your identity and so I can feel you being like, hey guys, like I'm 20. Yeah. I can say I've had sex before. Yeah. That's okay. Even though your publicist may be like, don't say that. I don't think, but also like I, yeah. Okay, so. oh yeah oh i was 17 great age it was actually a really not bad experience like it was with a guy that i was like seeing at the time that i was pretty comfortable with and i mean he was definitely like you know he had had sex lots of times and i obviously hadn't but he was like great he like really like i don't know it was just like it was one of the most jarring experiences for me though in my entire life because it was one of those things where it was something I just like never believed was possible for myself because I you know growing up I had these experiences of people like you know doubting my sexuality you know I even had moments where like I was kind of like I don't even know if I like anyone like I went through phases where I was like I feel nothing towards anyone and like I don't even know if like I'm ever gonna like somebody enough to you know let them in like that and and I also was like I don't feel like anybody wants to do this with me you know like I've never been nobody's ever looked at me in a sexual way before at least to my face so like I don't think that this is possible yeah um and so when it was happening I was like oh it was so it was I was like this is just like feels like everything's like shifting in my life you know because I was like damn this is like a new chapter and I felt I had weirdly like imposter syndrome with it right because I was like I don't feel like I'm like are you sure that you want to do this I'm like nobody's ever wanted to do this so I don't know why you want to do this and also I had a huge crush on this guy at the time so like you know it was even more crazy for me um and in retrospect I can look back and be like no like I I like I was being hard on myself and I didn't need to be like that but um it I mean it hurt really bad that's all dude I don't no one should ever be like my first time was incredible like no it was so awful we didn't even have sex right you're it's like it's like a movement and then you're like all right we did it because it's like one you no one has it you're not gonna have an orgasm yeah it's not gonna fit you're you're not experienced you don't know what you're supposed to be doing you don't know what you're supposed to be feeling it's almost like let me just get through this not in like a creepy way it's more just like no one's going to be relaxed and chill it doesn't get fun until you're like older older yes and even like then like there's always more to learn always and really i think the weird thing is is like the as i've learned through my show is like it's really start with yourself and a lot of people don't feel comfortable starting sexually with themselves until you get a little bit older right because there's like a lot of weird shame and especially if you haven't felt this like feminine sexual energy you're so in your head that to even like be by yourself and masturbating you're already thinking outside of your body yes about how you're totally I'm not sexual this is weird what am I and you get in your head well you also are like it's so true I mean I've had moments like on a personal level but also like with other people like when I'm you know like where I've just been I've gotten into my head and been like almost embarrassed where I'm like bitch you are not stop like stop being like stop faking it like you're on top and you're like I'm this isn't this doesn't feel genuine I'm like I literally I'm like this is not it feels like out of character yes and it doesn't feel like it aligns with me and like and you want to do I hate going on top because I I'm like I don't want to have to fucking think about me no but I think I think it's okay to say in terms of like sexually it's hard especially growing up where they're I mean I will admit like my show as much as it probably gave women confidence it also probably drew a big hole in people's sex lives being like we I don't do that and like I've never and then it's in you get insecure totally and again porn and everything makes you feel like you've got to be this like sexual deviant yeah and so when you're like again like a position like on top eyes are on you and you're like okay so I know I'm supposed to start like moaning and then like I should like throw my head back and like but naturally right now like I feel a little out of body imposter syndrome of like yeah I don't feel that yet and it's so it's weird but also like if you're like for me personally I'm not like I don't fucking like want it it doesn't excite me to like do crazy shit necessarily I just don't but it's like people are very judgmental about if you're like I'm not I don't like I listen it's not like I'm not a sexual person there's definitely that side of me but I also am like not a super sexual person and like there are times when I'm like I don't it doesn't need to be this like whole crazy thing Like it's just It just is what it is And like I don't feel like I don't want to fucking perform I don't want to It just And I think that the expectation to perform Might actually end up being detrimental too at times Because you're like It's all about like figuring out What the vibe is And like if you're just like Well the vibe doesn't feel like Making really loud sounds right now But I'm just gonna do it anyway Because I saw it in porn yesterday And then you get into that pattern And then it's like But then it's like kind of like but then it takes away from the intimacy of it yeah you should just disappear and like not think yes and like let it happen yeah and that's it you just have to get out of your own way i will also say to like i think when what you're saying is the majority and the norm and and but people publicly don't admit that i know and so it's like let's just say it i will admit that i like will enjoy like okay i know you're gonna hate what i'm gonna say wait but should i say it anyways what and then i'll cut it out on call her daddy i will admit that i enjoy vanilla sex i think that's okay like you're not trying to like like boring sex like you're not trying to like swing from the i think that's totally fine what's wrong with like fucking like like a good missionary and then like one other positionary go to bed what is wrong with nothing i don't need to fucking like literally do a helicopter background fucking right fuck flip all over i don't want to do that i also like feel like like i mean listen okay yeah there's moments when you can be crazy there's moments when you can be fun i get it that's like once in a blue moon in reality it doesn't need to be like that and i think it's also like i'm thinking about like the sex i was having at 20 like i'm excited for you because it's like in at 20 I was faking things and I was performing and I knew like I it was it was all a game to me because I was like if I do this and he'll be obsessed with me and then blah blah and it was all right it kind of all corresponded to like a bigger goal of mine not just like the immediate bedroom but I do think as you get older and again as you get to know yourself sexually you begin to like actually find things that you know you like and then it's not even about vanilla sex it's like what works for you you can start to implement in the bedroom and it's not like you're faking it but you have to actually find those things by yourself okay let's move on um kate's like i'm gonna what gives you the ick like i'm gonna do some rapid fire and then we're done i know this is going so long we need to go i know really go for six okay no no i know and i like that i agree dude i think that also like is is really yeah it's like real and it's not like jarring i thought you were gonna say something crazier then i was like oh that's a good answer emma loves anal i'm kidding promo of it okay i'm gonna go rapid fire and then we're done i'm ready what gives you the ick

1:07:36with guys or in general oh both okay uh with guys i get the ick when just like any kind of like cockiness and bragging and like trying to like signal that they're like successful to me this is not rapid fire with me nothing will ever be rapid fire with me i'm so sorry um being cocky and honestly when people like just have bad taste in like clothing and fashion i feel um not that i know what i'm doing emma right now stop with my outfit i'm like i'm not saying like if there's like a certain like but they're like braggy about it so like got it being cocky about like having bad taste that's really icky to me it makes me have the ick every time is that you that's not you you you're always hot you always look like you don't you're not allowed so anyone wondering who we're talking to it's our mutual publicist on the right side who's been crying this entire and who's also so gorgeous so gorgeous and dresses like the hottest she's a full sweat But I'll put on with heels.

1:08:39Like nobody's cooler than her. Yeah, they're like flared sweatpants. No, she genuinely is slang and nobody can tell me different. Anyways, okay. Have you ever been cheated on? You know. Emma, you're like, it can never be short. It can never be short. Not technically, but like I've been in situations where it was maybe not right for people to be going out and they did. Fair. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. What is the longest relationship you've ever been in? a year and like 10 months is that the one you're in right now I will not say um okay fine better question after that do you own a vibrator yes I have one downstairs it's in a box I got one when I was like 17 that's amazing who got who told you to get it you just got it yourself it was somebody I was talking to at the time okay um what is the most hurtful thing someone has done to you in a relationship?

1:09:38Oh, I would say like, just like not be supportive of like things that I was doing, like simple things, like work stuff, what I decided to order on a menu, like just like being in a relationship where somebody was constantly disapproving of every little thing I was doing and like being genuinely mean about it. Good answer. How is the relationship you're in now different from previous experiences with partners it's I mean so many everything about it I mean obviously being like best friends with your significant other is the best fucking thing ever and I don't think that that's ever been true prior also like just the most like not like incredible I can't even it's just like it's almost like when you're in a good relationship it's like you found somebody that's like a missing piece yeah and like they just have all the things that you wish you had and you learn from them and they learn from you and they treat you with respect and there's a mutual respect and it's like all these things and it's like also your best friend and then it all comes together and you're like I don't have any complaints and I I don't know how that's possible.

1:10:54You know? Could you share what do you argue about in this relationship? Not a lot. We don't argue. Can I ask you how you guys met? Through the internet. Why do you think fans have become so invested with gaining access and insight into your dating life? I think that, like, even for me, like, as a consumer of the internet, like, things are interesting when there's... mystery around them and because I don't ever confirm or deny anything that's why I think it's so interesting it's almost like if I were to share it it would become possibly less interesting but the problem is that I want to protect the people that I'm dating or the people that I'm like even just lightly talking to or the people that I'm hooking up with like whoever it is at whatever given moment like even at whatever stage it's at I want to give them complete privacy and I don't want my life to like affect them.

1:11:58Are you frustrated when you do see like if like, God forbid, like a paparazzi thing comes out of you? Like how does that make you feel? I mean, for me personally, I'm like, I don't care. Like, I mean, I, it's more like I'm concerned about how it affects them and I don't ever want to like lose an opportunity to like have a good connection with somebody because my life style creates them stress right um and that's something I've like worried about in like relationships that I've been in that have been positive I'm like I just like I'm scared that this is going to get out because I don't want them to feel violated and like they didn't sign up for this like I you know what I mean and so that's why I keep it private but also if things come out or things are speculated about most of the time people that I've been with or people that I haven't been with where it's been speculation and they're like this is silly right but I just decided to talk about none of it because I'm like if it's true or it's not it doesn't fucking matter because if I chime in about stuff when it's not true then that means everything I don't chime in about smart I just leave it all to the imagination and honestly it's kind of fun to see it's kind of fun to see like what people assume so yeah okay wrapping up in 30 40 years what do you hope people say about Emma Chamberlain I would hope that people would say that in one way or another like something that I said something that I shared made them feel inspired or made them feel comforted in some way like that's my main goal is I want people to feel comfortable and heard by listening to me but also kind of like safe in a way too emma chamberlain thank you for coming on call her daddy we did it we did it dude it's been a long time coming i'm sweating dude i am dehydrated my legs are cramping we're a mess you look great i'm literally well i mean that was this has just opened up a whole new chapter for me hours and 42 minutes this is gonna be another two-part series i can't wait we needed this though i could have kept going i do feel yeah it was like therapeutic yeah we need great work Thank you Alex Thank you for having me