Friendship Boundaries 101

0:00Sunday morning, Father's calling. do do do do do do do do every sunday's father's day that was pretty good right hello everyone welcome back to another episode of call her daddy my name is alex cooper if you are new here and this is going to be a sunday session and this year sunday sessions are mainly just going to be me and you chatting about my life or for something that I have been thinking a lot about. And as you guys know, if you follow me on social media, and if you've been following this podcast is I have been planning a wedding. And I know that topic is something that I definitely owe you guys a lot of updates on, but that is not for today's episode.

0:49Today, I want to talk to you about something else that I have been thinking a lot about recently. And I think it's been on my mind because I have been so deep in wedding planning and putting really deliberate thought into my guest list and deciding which people I want there to celebrate this big moment with me and Matt has been truly pretty eye-opening and I think it's really been causing me to think a lot about my friendships. I realized I truly feel like I've reached a point in my life where My friendships are pretty easy and stress-free. Do not get me wrong. It has not always been this way.

1:36I was definitely involved in my fair share of friendship drama. But now I feel like my friendships are really just a source of joy and support for me and my life. And I feel like my friends feel that's also reciprocated in the way that they view our friendship. so I was trying to think back like when did this happen and when was this shift and when did this really change like why do my adult friendships feel so much better than the friendships I had 10 or so years ago even I would say like seven years ago five years ago when you get older and grow and mature, you kind of reach this point where you are no longer overly invested in your friends and their lives in terms of like their decision making.

2:31And it changes the entire dynamic of your friendship for the better.

2:55I want to give college as an example because it's so extremely different to really set the scene of what I'm talking about here. It's like that was a time, truly, if I honestly am self reflecting here, that there's no time that we, I personally, and I would think when I talked to my friends, we, we were more up in our friends business than college, maybe high school, but I think college is exacerbated because we feel like we're adults and we feel like we really know who we are and what our friends should be doing. And it's like, that's just not the case. But I think back to my college friend group.

3:30And I would ask you, Daddy Gang, to think back to yours. Like, it really doesn't matter how big or how small. I feel like there was always at least one person who was dating or seeing someone that everyone else in the friend group had a problem with. I could name the girls I just know. I know from the top of my head still the girls that I was friends with and we were like, I fucking hate your boyfriend, bitch. And when I say you had a problem with this boyfriend or whoever, a girlfriend or whatever, I don't mean abuse or addiction or any of that where it was a serious, serious problem that you actually, of course, had a problem with.

4:10I mean more like you didn't like their boyfriend's personality or like how he looks or your relationship dynamic. Like I remember how often girlfriends of mine would be like, why are you dating him? Like he's busted or something like, why do you care? Like, like more hot guys for you, bitch. Like literally, why did we care if our friend was dating an ugly dude, according to our standards you know what I mean but like we made everything our business in college and at least that was my friend group and our dynamic but like so many times I feel like I look back and there would be arguments with that friend because you know they didn't take your advice and didn't do exactly what you would have done in their situation like I look back and when friends used to come to me in college, I was always, I felt like the friend that like you would come to for dating advice.

5:05And I would get so invested in my friends' lives. And I think I would say about like junior year, I kind of gave up and was like, oh, she never takes my advice and it's a shit show and I don't really give a fuck. But like for my freshman and sophomore year, like we were all dating that guy. Like, sorry, it's not you just dating Robbie. Like we are all dating Robbie. OK, and so it's like this over identifying with every single one of your friends problems and you are just like making it your problem as well, which like, again, I do think it comes from a well, I can't say it's from for everyone, but I know it came from a good place for me of like genuinely caring so fucking much about my friends.

5:45but I would get way too fucking entangled in all their bullshit. Thinking back to those scenarios, I remember being in both situations. I remember saying things to my friends like, I'm not going to talk to you about this if you're not going to take my advice because like we've talked about this enough and like, you know where I stand on it. And like, I want to be there for you, but like, you know how I feel. And personally, like feeling almost like attacked and hurt when my friend was making decisions that I didn't necessarily agree with or that I wouldn't make in my own personal life. And my friends did the same fucking thing back to me.

6:23Like there was this one guy who I had, I had to change his fucking name in my contacts, daddy gang. Okay. Not because he was being shady and I was trying to hide him from other guys that I was talking to. no because I was literally hiding him from my friends because I knew if I was fucking sitting in the dining hall that day and we were all eating our cheeseburgers and my fucking phone lit up and it had that guy's name on it all of my friends were gonna have something to say about it stop you're still fucking talking to him Cooper fucking drop it why are you still even giving him the time of day like what the fuck Cooper what the fuck Cooper what the fuck Cooper and And all my teammates called me Cooper or Coop.

7:05And I would be like, and I'd have to defend myself to my fucking friends. And it's like, truly, they had basically decided like he wasn't good for me. And they were over him. And they were pissed off anytime they saw us talking. And I just didn't want to deal with it after a while. Like I look back and I really kind of obviously do understand why this happens in college. because in college your lives with your friends are so much more intertwined like especially when you factor in living together and the roommate dynamic like when your friend has a shitty boyfriend he can essentially also become the shitty extra roommate like we can all fucking envision it he staves over for fucking 48 hours at a time he starts to eat your food that you can barely afford like he never cleans up after himself like maybe he even starts to fucking argue with another roommate or what I also will say is like there's also like the social aspect of like the advantages of like I knew my girlfriends at one point realized like oh we're fucking done with that guy Cooper go talk to the other guy because like that will mean there's more social advantages for all of us like my friends wanted me to go date other guys so we could get into different parties and fucking vice versa one of my other friends I was like don't fucking date him he brings us nothing like it's this like group think mentality that we had when we were younger I've grown and matured in the past I don't know like few years and definitely since getting out of college I've just come to realize that like as I've gotten happier and in a more secure place in my own life your friends can make their own decisions and it ultimately does not have to impact you 1 % like at all truly at all and once I realized this it truly saved me so much time and energy there's obviously the like exception if my friend is in danger in a relationship and it's like so fucking toxic obviously I'm gonna say something and I'm gonna try to help this person but for the most part, like I no longer get hung up on the decisions my friends are making.

9:14And if I agree with them or disagree with them on it, maybe I'll lightly voice an opinion of like, have you thought about maybe like trying to do X, Y, Z, but like being so loving about it, like, Hey, have you thought about this? Giving them the benefit of the doubt of like, if you have, then great. And you still made the decision. Great. It's not my fucking life. Love ya. You know, it's like, of course, don't just give up. There's a difference between giving up on your friends and giving no support or insight versus judging and like genuinely getting angry and upset with your fucking friends over shit that really should not affect you.

9:46Like now I feel like when a friend comes to me to vent or has like a boy problem and I think a lot of my friends are in serious relationships and I do have a couple single friends and on both sides all I do is just like simply listen and I offer support and support doesn't mean inserting my own opinions or telling my friend exactly how they should be handling the situation I think some people like I was having this conversation with two of my friends actually recently and they both weren't in the same conversation and we were both talking about friendships and I think this is why I'm having this conversation for women because I do think I do think that women have such different relationships than men and I don't make to mean to like divide the sexes but I do think it's fucking true like as women we require so much more out of friendships and I'm not trying to discredit men but like I watch people around me that are men and their friendships and it is just not as strong as female friendships it's just not I'm like women require so much more out of their friendships however that is a blessing and a curse because the amount that we can fucking judge and suffocate each other and get way too entangled in their lives like female friendships are so beautiful and at the same time are can are so fucking complex men just don't hold themselves to a certain standard of communication with their friends they let things go they don't want drama and I do feel fortunate as a woman to like I love having deep conversations with my friends I love that my friends know so much about me that like maybe men and their dynamics with friendships like they've never shared like their biggest insecurities and like issues with family like it's just a different bond but with that type of intense bond it can almost verge more on a sister relationship which can be toxic and tough and tough love rather than having boundaries that I almost wish we could like cherry pick a little bit from the male dynamic in their friendships because there are some enviable qualities that men bring to their friendships I wouldn't want it I would always take women over male dynamics with their friends but I'm just saying we're too fucking judgmental ladies sometimes and I'm saying this literally coming from someone who was too entangled in her friends lives at points and did infuse too much of my opinion or judgment and and want so badly for my friend to end the relationship and I'm here for you and like let's do this and then they feel awkward to come to me because it's like fuck she like basically helped me put together a whole fucking campaign of why this guy sucks but I woke up today and I like him again and it's like oh my god I do think some people really need to hear this and I could have used this advice many years ago and it probably would have saved me a lot of like friendship issues and fights.

12:52Ladies, and I'm going to say this to ladies specifically when it comes to friendships, men take this actually for life in general, but women specifically for friendships, your opinion is not always wanted, nor is it needed.

13:30When a friend comes to you with a problem, ask them, do you want me to just listen while you vent your fucking ass off? Or do you want my actual advice? because I'm telling you they probably even if they say they want your advice something I've learned is with a grain of salt like do not go so fucking hard they're looking for you to be a sounding board when they ask for advice but even when someone is ready to relieve a relationship it is them that has to make the decision it is them that has the baggage it's them that has lived it you're only getting fractional pieces of information from your friend so also give them the credit of like bitch you don't fucking know everything maybe they only come to you when they're fighting you've never seen the good like there's just we have to just be more aware that like we're getting such piecemealed things a lot of times from our friend and so when they ask when they say yes I want your advice give them advice but give it softly like don't be fucking aggressive of course you can leave later and call your mom and be like oh my god fucking Becky is back with John again I am fucking livid it's so pathetic she won't stop going back to him he cheats every week it's so fucking annoying great but you don't need to say that to her she's on her own fucking journey and what is how does it benefit you from coming off like you're just like judging her she doesn't need that right now she's clearly going through fucking shit that's what I always think too is like so much of the judgment within friendships it's just if we were so much like nicer to each other we probably would get a lot farther because I bet there's a lot of times where you don't want to tell your friend because you're scared of what they're going to think of you and how they're going to judge you and how they're going to look at you moving forward like your friend probably doesn't want to hear oh you're too good for him once a cheater always a cheater babe like you shouldn't trust him like you knew this last time you cheated like are you really sure that you two are ready to move in together like I'm not gonna lie like it feels kind of quick Like, why are you moving in so quick?

15:31And so maybe you're listening to this and you feel like I am speaking directly to you and you're like, OK, Alex, this is my exact dynamic with my best friend. I feel like the way that she talks to me about my guy issues and the decisions I make in my dating life like I feel like she is almost a parent scolding me for something that I'm in trouble for and I am so fucking tired of it because I love her to death and we have such amazing history but I'm so sick of her almost like looking down on me and acting like she's better than me when really when I'm coming to her like I just want to have girl talk like I just want to like connect over something that I would naturally want to be.

16:10want to go to my friend too but she's like terrifying to go to you're probably at the point where like you've kind of stopped telling her things because because of that and essentially you're hiding things from her how do you politely tell your friend to back the fuck up and chill on judging you and your life and giving such aggressive feedback like that's not actually what a friendship is and that's actually not what you want okay Bruce is licking his penis I'm so sorry if you were watching that oh my god okay Bruce this is not only fans let's relax okay okay so we're gonna role play because I feel like I do this with my therapist in the past and it's helpful and let me know if you guys enjoy it I'm gonna imagine I need to tell one of my friends to chill the fuck out and leave her opinions about my life to herself.

17:06So I think I would first simply say how I'm feeling. Like recently we've discussed my dating life and whenever we're talking about it I want to be honest with you that I have felt and then insert like judged or criticized or reprimanded whatever it is that you're personally feeling and then I would give my friend the benefit of the doubt. Let's always give them the benefit of the doubt, even if you don't want to. I think it helps make people not feel so guarded and attacked. And I would say something like, I know truly this is all coming from a place of love and protection and you just want the best for me.

17:46Like I so fucking know that and I love you so much. And then I would just straight up ask them like but when you talk to me about these things it comes across like you're angry at me is that how you feel because what I can almost guarantee is like ideally they are not gonna say that they're mad at you because unless it's actually impacting them they don't have the right to be angry with you and to be mad at you what they're probably gonna say if they push back is being like well I'm just annoyed because like you're always saying he treats you like shit and he does this and then you come to me asking for advice and like obviously my fucking advice is to break up with him okay so she's annoyed that you keep bringing these things like that's a complete different thing than like but you're coming off like angry okay and if they're pushing back I would say this is ultimately a boundary that you need to set with your friend regardless of their answer is you can say something like I want you to just be my friend and I want you to always feel like you can bring up stuff to me.

18:51I also want to feel like it's from a place of love, not judgment. And you need to know, I won't always agree with you, but that's okay. I'm an adult. This is my life. I'm very capable of taking care of myself. And that doesn't mean I won't ever get hurt or get my heart broken, but I can handle that. Sometimes I just want a friend to listen and be supportive and I'm telling you this because I that's really what I want out of this friendship I don't need your permission and I don't need your approval you can have your own opinions I so get that but this is my life when I'm asking you for advice I guess like I'm more just asking you to like talk through things with me rather than just like give me these like very straightforward definitive judgmental answers where it just feels like I'm getting attacked rather than I'm sitting with a friend even if I fucking said he cheated on me like I want you to be like okay how are you feeling what do you want to do do you love him still obviously he disrespected you and as your friend I want to kill him but talk to me like what are you thinking your options are like that in my head is how these conversations go like if someone doesn't respect this or pushes back I wouldn't really want that friend to be my friend anymore there's just such a difference of a way to handle a conversation with a friend and when you're able to remove yourself from your friend's lives like it's not that deep so it's almost like you have to reprogram your friendships to be like I kind of want to just talk this out with you can you just like kind of support me and like seeing my options that's kind of more what the conversations I facilitate now in my more adult relationships of like I've had friends that have gotten cheated on I've had friends that have a weird ones in their relationships and I just constantly say how do you feel okay and like what are you thinking right now and I never really am inserting my opinion and to say what do you think and I'll say well I don't know because I'm not a hundred percent there so I don't know your complete dynamic but what I will say is yes I don't think I would put up with this but again you have to know at the end of the night when you're putting your head on your pillow will you be okay if you walk away from this and I can't answer that from you and I'm never going to judge you if you stay like I think it's almost more like when you're giving your friends advice daddy gang like we have to almost more be like just advocates for our friends and and supporting them that we trust their decision making even if you blindly and like even if you kind of in your head no like you don't like the only way your friend is actually gonna learn and I think I've learned this through myself too is Like if they fucking go through it themselves, I've gotten cheated on before.

21:37It is one of the worst betrayal pains you can experience when you were in love with someone. And then you eventually get over it. And when you have a friend that goes through it, there's a difference. Here's a perfect example. There's a difference between saying, okay, Michaela, I promise you, I literally just went through this. Like you're going to be fine. Like you need to get over it because like you're not even going to care about this in six months. Like it literally doesn't fucking matter. okay you're you're invalidating her feelings in the moment because guess what bitch you got to fucking grieve you got to feel like shit and I know the sentiment is there that's right of like you're gonna get through this but the conversation just needs to be more thoughtful and loving of like Michaela right now I'm gonna hold your hand and you can fucking cry as much as you want and I want you to know when I look you in the eyes and I say I get it it's because I fucking get it And I am here if you need any fucking advice of how I got through this.

22:36But everyone's fucking journey of getting through this kind of shit is fucking different. But just know I'm fucking here and I so fucking get it. And it fucking hurts. But we've got this. Like you're just like giving your friend a supportive hand rather than be like get the fuck over it. Trust me. You'll be over it in four weeks. Like no maybe she won't and maybe she will. But that's on her. That's not on you to decide. I think, like I said at the beginning of this episode, there is nothing more beautiful than women and dynamics and friendships, truly. Like, I have such incredible friendships that I, it literally makes me cry when I think about it.

23:18Like I know my core group of people, we have worked so fucking hard at adjusting where we're at in our lives to meet each other when we're dealing with each other's issues because we are all at such fucking different points in our lives. If I lined up my group of about like five to six girls, it's like we are all so, one, we're so fucking different. Two, we're in such different fucking places in life. And yet it's been like a, it's been a fucking grind, I would say, for the past three years to like reestablish and reorganize and recalibrate. And now it feels like we did the work and now I know each of my friendships.

24:00relationships I know where we stand and I know it's an actual enjoyable reciprocal relationship and it's not that I'm going to them with a pit in my stomach and it's not that I'm ever hiding anything from them I can fucking call Lauren tomorrow and say I had the biggest fight with Matt and I know I could put her on speaker I could put I could do it right now and I know what she would say talk to me what happened and I could make up a fucking story right now and she would say back to me okay so how are you feeling like it's just you have to work on yourself and you have to be aware daddy gang are you being a judgmental friend are you the person in the room that's like coming at your fucking friends and they're backing away from you it's probably because something in you is getting number one I would say is you're probably getting triggered and using an outlet of getting to like pour onto someone else right now because there's something going on in your life and you're like fuck yeah maybe you're maybe you're okay this is sick but I'm sorry this happens and this is fucking human nature maybe you're fucking happy your friend is struggling because you are too and you don't want to talk about your shit but you're like fuck yeah someone's having relationship problems because meanwhile your fucking shit at home is wrecked you're fucking all upset and you don't want to talk about it but it's you're almost like make you know what I mean it's like we can just everything is projection with friendships and so just check yourself if you are so if you are struggling to maintain friendships and people are running out of your life it's probably because it's fucking hard to be around you right now and there's nothing better than when you can find this like amazing release in friendships of just like it's okay if you do not agree with everything your friends do it is okay if there's things that you're like oh that's a little frustrating like I wouldn't have done it that way I totally get it good thing it's not your life you know so I can talk more about friendships and everything but like I just listen I've had my fair share of like ups and downs I've lost friendships I've worked on friendships I've had stable friendships I've had new friendships like it's a constant work in progress and I think as you get older it narrows down to a select few that you're willing to really like champion for and push for and work through things for because you know you're getting out of that relationship what it should be as a friendship and you feel loved and you feel supported and of course there's always going to be some weird ones but at the end of the day you know that person genuinely loves you and when you are sitting across from a friend and they're judging you because you're like I said moving in too fast you're doing this too fast it's like there's a way to be loving about it so moral of the story is don't be a fucking cunt to your friends and um don't take shit from your friends because maybe it's time to get new fucking friends Daddy gang.

26:48So I love you. And I don't know, I just wanted to kind of do a little rant on friendship and just let's look inward as to how we're treating our friends. And oh my fucking God, you guys, I've been sitting cross-legged. Oh my God, my legs are fully asleep and in so much pain. Okay. Anyways, I have a little special episode this upcoming Wednesday for you. Obviously, I'm very aware that it is Valentine's Day. And I'm also very aware that although I'm in a relationship. Yeah, bitch has been single many, many, many years on Valentine's Day. I've had many disastrous Valentine's Days. You don't need a fucking man to enjoy a random fucking Wednesday that happens to be February 14th, bitch.

27:30Okay, so I am going to spend Valentine's Day with you and you are going to have the best fucking time. So for my single bitches, have no fear. And for my gals and relationships, have fun and I love you guys. And I hope you enjoyed this episode. And on this upcoming Wednesday. Goodbye. Farewell.