Getting Over a Cheater

0:02What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Hi, Daddy Gang. It is Alex. It's me. Hi. Welcome back to another mini episode of Call Her Daddy. I'm going to tell you guys where I am right now and what's going on just so that you guys understand my headspace before I record this episode. I am currently sitting in my office at home and I'm sitting in the pitch black. It's like eight o 'clock at night. I'm staring out the window. Can't really see much because it's pretty dark. And I figured I'm going to take an edible. My boyfriend has about 15 of his guy friends at our house right now.

0:53They're having a poker night. All of them were like, Alex, come on, stay down here with us. Like play poker. I'm like, you know what, I'm good. I'm going to go take an edible. I'm going to watch a shit ton of TV. I'm going to lay with my dogs. And I'm just going to be high as fuck and relax while you guys get drunk and play poker. I don't even know how to play poker. I don't really have an interest in playing poker. But you know, to each their own. And as I was laying there, I'm waiting for the show that I'm watching to come on TV. And I have like, you know, 40 minutes and I figured I want to talk to the daddy gang.

1:30I'm going to go use my time at eight o 'clock at night and I'm just going to start talking into this microphone. Why are the lights not on? You know, sometimes it's better when the lights are off. Metaphorically speaking, even, you know what I mean? It's like I envision life is better sometimes when you're just tuned out, when you're not really there. And that's what's going to slowly progress. I'm assuming I'm going to get kind of progressively more high throughout this recording. So, you know, this is a judgment-free zone. I am unwell. You are unwell. We are all unwell today.

2:20so I'm going to do a little questions of the week and as I have been getting a little bit more high the thought of doing questions like doing my intro that I usually do for questions of the week it's giving me like a little like you know when you get high and you see everything outside of your body like I'm looking at myself and I'm like oh girl just don't do it because I feel like I'm gonna do it really bad right now because like I'm pretty chill and I don't know

2:50you know what I mean yeah anyways let's answer some questions because I miss you guys and I feel like we haven't just like hung out for a second and talked to the talk. So, oh my God, we're getting right into it. Someone wrote, how do I cope with being cheated on? I mean, I could do a whole fucking episode on this. That's like, you know, I think back to when I got cheated on, I remember feeling so embarrassed and it's interesting because like I almost would put embarrassed over hurt and I think that's probably different like I feel like the emotion that everyone feels when they get cheated on it's probably different I think I was embarrassed because the relationship I was like posting on social media about it so that immediately is embarrassing.

3:52I mean, like it was embarrassing because I really believed that he wouldn't cheat on me. And so like publicly, that was embarrassing. I think I was also embarrassed because I was with someone that you would expect to cheat. And I really tried to just convince myself he wouldn't. So I think in the bottom of my heart now, really, okay, let's just have a therapy session. I think I kind of knew he was always the type of person that would cheat, but I thought that I could handle the optics of it like no one was gonna know I'm the only person that told anyone that he cheated like he didn't want to tell anyone but like I was just so embarrassed that I believed that we could have made it and that like it actually was a thing and then when he cheated it was so clear to me like bitch what like you have never been actually comfortable with this man you've never actually pictured a life other than forcing it and like having to make concessions for him and having to change yourself like I think a lot of times there's relationships in your life sorry I'm going to be swerving all over this fucking episode I barely remember the question no I do how do I cope with being chained on but if you're in a relationship that you don't feel 100 % like you can be yourself and that that person makes you feel not only comfortable but safe and loved and makes you feel like you should be so in love with yourself because they make you feel so confident in who you are independent of them like you should be whole within yourself but then to find someone that just loves you so much and is like there for you and the good and the bad is like you just feel fucking so much better when you're in this like type of healthy relationship.

5:36And I now look back at my past relationships and I can recognize it's so wild to think about how insecure I felt in that relationship. And it's almost like in the moment, you don't even notice that you're insecure. Like you'll have these little moments, but you have to push it down because you have to survive. If you want to keep the relationship going, you can't think about that every day. So you almost become used to it. You almost become used to making little adjustments or maybe not saying certain things you would want to say because they're going to like shit talk you or speak down to you or make fun of you or they're going to make you feel stupid or they're going to make you feel, you know, not enough.

6:17And so there's like the all these things that like in the moment you don't realize is happening. And so what I would say is how do you cope with being cheated on is to first acknowledge what the relationship was. What was the relationship that you were in? You know what I mean? And it's like a lot of times we focus on getting cheated on is such like an ego hit and it's so hurtful and it's such a violation of your trust and your time. And like, this is corny to say, but like the love that you were giving to that person, like you were so in it and you were committed and you were trying. And then I'm always like, I get the actual act feels so disgusting and hurtful, but pause for two seconds.

6:57What kind of relationship were you in? because in a way now that I've like looked back on those situations in my life I'm like I was like I was cheating on myself and no shit he was cheating on me I wasn't I wasn't being honest with myself that I was not being myself in that relationship I was fully doing things to make it work rather than like it should be fucking easy I'm not saying every aspect of a relationship should be easy but like when you find the right person and it actually should be the person you're with or it is a healthy relationship even if you're not going to be together forever you can feel it and if you have any weird pit in your stomach during your relationship that's the first fucking sign you shouldn't be in that relationship I don't care how many times you can fight with someone like there's a difference where it's like we've got to work through shit as as a couple versus like no I like feel this is not something is wrong if you have that weird gut feeling if there was a fight if there was a conversation and you're walking upstairs and you're like oh my god like I feel like ill you are not in a good relationship and I it's so hard to like even you can come up with like scenarios and I can sit here and be like this means this but like Literally, if your gut is fucking eating away at you during moments of your relationship, I look back and I'm like, the amount of times I felt like ill when he was out with his friend or like sick to my stomach when he was like, there's just certain things that you can be like, yeah, that's not normal.

8:34Everyone listening, if you're sitting at home and you have that gut feeling more than once every two months, I urge you guys to look inward because you deserve so much fucking better. And so I think whenever I think about how to cope with being cheated on, it's really the first step is making yourself feel better of like, look at the relationship. Maybe it's like so fucking amazing that he cheated on you. maybe you should be flying through the rooftop flying soaring through sky what going through the rooftops we're crashing through the ceiling you should be so fucking happy in a way because that person didn't respect you if someone cheated on you they do not respect you I don't give a fuck what anyone says well they were drunk nope then if they can't control themselves when they're drunk they don't respect you because if they know they can they're capable of doing something like that and they loved you so much then they wouldn't get put themselves in that situation and it's like well they were having a bad day bitch have a bad fucking day somewhere else in some other fucking relationship because I deserve more so you have to go through like sometimes being cheated on is the best fucking thing that could have ever happened to you because that gut feeling I was talking about it's like you almost get so warped in your head of trying to appease yourself of like okay it's gonna be fine like you calm yourself down and you try to find ways to move forward rather than actually acknowledging wait why do I have that sick feeling and so we almost like completely flush down the bad feelings of like why do I feel this way and you just try to survive if you're in this type of relationship.

10:21And then all of a sudden, if they cheat, it's literally them taking the scissors and cutting the fucking string and setting you free. It's finally being like, I know you can't see it because you're so deep in this and you're trying to make it work and you're trying to do this, this, this, and this. Let me show you how much I don't fucking respect you and care about you. I'm gonna go fuck someone else. And as much as that hurts, don't get me wrong, even when I said, I was like, oh God, Like I feel hurt from that. Like I don't give a fuck about you. I'm going to put my dick in this girl's put. What the point is, is it's like daddy gang who gives a fuck, who gives a fuck.

10:59You are going to find someone that respects you. And so coping with getting cheated on is really finding within yourself to be like, what was I doing? And thank God I woke up from this. Thank God. It was like a moment that gives you clarity to be like, I don't want to be with this person. we are like I hate when I say this because it's the most corny thing and it's like the most oversaid thing but it really is is like we are alive once why the fuck are we wasting our time with little bitch boys that are gonna go cheat on us when you know your fucking worth you know you're if you're listening to this podcast and if you don't you better fucking figure it out because you deserve so much better and we have to sometimes go through these experiences like I'm actually so fucking happy I got cheated on it is a celebration tonight daddy gang I'm so happy that I got cheated on truly because had I not I may still have been in that relationship for more than a year and I probably wouldn't have found what I wanted as soon as I did and I wouldn't have found the self-worth and I wouldn't have started to advocate for myself and be like I'm not gonna take that shit anymore I refuse to feel that feeling anymore like all of it at first I was a disaster when I got cheated on Let me be so clear.

12:15I don't think I've ever been lower. And I lightly told the story of like, it was heartbreaking because of how hard I worked to keep it alive even before the cheating. And I think a lot of people will probably relate to that. And that's where I said I was cheating on myself. Like, why was I working so fucking hard for a relationship? I was going to continue the statement actually period why was I working so hard for a relationship period you know what I mean it's like this isn't like you're you're working for your boss and you're killing yourself so that you can get to the next like this is supposed to be an equal partnership where this person makes you feel so good about yourself where this person has you smiling every day where this person is an added benefit to your life this person brings nothing but happiness of course I get it.

13:05There's going to be the hard times. But it is like, whoa, if you really think about it, when you get cheated on. And I'm not saying I mean, I could do the whole depressing version of this episode where it's like, it is so fucking awful. you feel so out of control of your life and the situation that you've been trying to keep together for so long and even when people say they're blindsided then you gotta look inward truly I believe like there had to have been signs again maybe not every single one but I think most of them even I remember I had a friend that got cheated on and she said she was so blindsided and I had to look at her when she was ready obviously not like the night she came over crying that she got cheated on but once she was ready I said can I be honest with you you keep saying you were so surprised the minute you told me I wasn't surprised and she was like what and obviously this is like over a glass of wine like almost a month later and I was like I was not surprised at all and so I think for you I want you as your friend to actually sit here with me and let's get fucking deep and we can cry or whatever.

14:18You're telling me you had no fucking idea. And she said to me, she was just like,

14:28no, you're right. The minute that I found out, my stomach dropped because like I was so hurt, but I, like I, I knew, I knew that I knew I was going to feel that hurt because that statement it was like fuck like everything in my gut that was kind of whispering at me like I guess I did kind of know like I don't know if that makes any fucking sense but she's basically saying like I didn't know until it happened and then I looked back and if I really fucking opened my eyes like I knew I knew I didn't trust him because then you go through it why when they were out let's say why when he was out did you kind of like not be able to fully like pay attention to your TV show.

15:15You weren't really able to like have a good girls dinner while he was out with the guys. You weren't really able to feel fully comfortable when you were alone together, when you were trying to have like intimate conversations. You weren't able to fully be yourself when you were with him. You would still run and try to put makeup on and do your hair like he didn't really know the real you, the person that can just be fully yourself, like get that fucking makeup off come out of the shower looking busted as hell beautiful as hell and just be like I don't give a fuck that's my partner love me take me for as I am or get the fuck out of here you can't usually say all those things if you had a partner that cheated because they're not just physically cheating on you there is something in them that's not able to fully give whether it was emotional whether it was physical whatever the fuck it was like you have to just dig deep.

16:07So I think you cope with being cheated on by thinking about how the fuck you're going to level up next time, how the fuck you're going to find someone that actually deserves you and you deserve them. And you're going to find yourself through the process of getting over that breakup, getting over that heartbreak of feeling so violated and so betrayed. It literally can bring you to your fucking knees when the person that you were intimate with, that you shared everything with, that you told everything to, that you let them be fucking inside of you all the time, even if you didn't fucking want them in there.

16:49Like you're, you shared shit with this person that you may never have had with anyone else. And that is fucking heartbreaking. heartbreaking because all of a sudden one day you wake up and they're fucking gone and you're supposed to just forget all the good shit of course there's good shit I don't care if you're in the worst relationship there's always going to be a little good thing and so it's really fucking hard to basically act like okay that person died now I have to just move on and when you get cheated on it's like resentment of like fuck you fuck you that you you had to end it that way like I already poured so much of my fucking dignity into this relationship and you're the one that's gonna cheat on me like what the fuck like I should have cheated on you because you were so fucking not there or you were disrespectful or you were abusive or it was toxic or whatever the fuck it was it's like there's this anger that comes and then again that embarrassment of like they're not even embarrassed most of the time when someone cheats like they're not embarrassed they're sorry they got caught or they just like regret it because like whatever it is but there's no like embarrassment for them they can say they're embarrassed they're fucking not compared to what you feel it's like you were off having a great fuck while I was probably like showering and waiting for you to come home like what the fuck it's so embarrassing because you were lied to and you were made to be like the next day potentially unless they came home immediately and told you where they were like you were probably going to dinners the next week and you were you know what I mean it's like fuck that it's so deceitful it's so fucking hurtful but again back to what I said daddy gang it's like I don't give a fuck if you get cheated on this is actually here we go when you get cheated on you thank that motherfucker I'm dead fucking serious I just was looking out the window and that is the first thing that came to my head and we're going to go with it actually think about it when you get fucking cheated on you thank that mother fucker thank you so much I cannot wait to get out of this relationship and be in one that is respectful thank you so much goodbye and you're out you don't need closure for someone that cheated on you They were inside of someone.

19:18They don't respect you. They don't care about you. And people can combat me and be like, that's not true. Maybe what? I literally said it earlier. I'm like, maybe they drank too much. I don't care how fucked up I am. Even if a guy looks hot at a bar, I'm in a committed relationship right now. And with my partner right now, I would never fucking cheat on him because I love him and I respect him. In previous relationships, I can't say the same. It's not that I was cheating. But I was absolutely more tempted and probably didn't have as much of a guilt feeling of the thoughts because it's like I didn't actually respect them and I didn't actually see it long term.

19:59So then listen to my words. I didn't actually respect them because I didn't see it long term. So I wouldn't have felt as bad if I cheated. That's what's happening to you if you get cheated on. That's that person's mentality. I don't actually care. Or maybe they're like, I really do care. They don't actually care because they don't respect you. If you don't respect someone, you don't actually care about the relationship that you have with them and if it falls apart.

20:37So, daddy gang. How to cope with being cheated on. is moving the fuck on and getting over the fact of whatever the good was in that relationship that you thought you thought wrong and that's okay and that's that person's fucking loss because people that cheat truly are fucking disgusting like honestly I that was why when I was in college I was dating this guy and I kept just being like but I'm not your girlfriend like I'm not your girlfriend and he would always be like why and I just never could give him an answer and the truth behind it always was I always avoided labeling something with a guy because I didn't trust myself but I'm also not gonna while I'm being an asshole not making him my boyfriend in a way I envisioned it as I was being respectful because I'm like I'm not gonna break this person's heart If I go hook up with another person, I'm not going to feel guilty.

21:37And yet in a version that was like kind of unhealthy because like the guys were it was bad. But I can say to this day, I have never cheated on one of my partners. And I don't know if I like made up stories back in the early color daddy days. But like, I think there's something sometimes incredible about realizing that getting hurt by people is sometimes the best thing for you. sometimes you really needed that fucking wake up call sometimes you needed that person to fuck you over that bad because sometimes you weren't going to be able to get out of it any other way because that's how fucking deep in it you were and I don't think it's pathetic when people are like how did she not see it fuck that shit it's like you can get so wrapped up in a relationship you can start making fucking green shit look pink like in your head what the fuck does that mean here we go we're getting high you can just start to make shit look different in your head especially when there's patterns, like especially when there's certain things going on, you can make that shit.

22:38You can turn. You can tell yourself a grand old story about no, no, no. I believe in though because of this. And the first day I realized the first day that you make that decision to make an excuse for your partner or the first day that you decided like, no, no, no, I, I, I'm not seeing it right. Maybe it's this. Whenever you think that that's the first fucking day that you start to lose yourself because I don't even care if you're being a crazy bitch what I've learned in relationships now is now I would go up to my partner and be like I know this may sound a little intense but I need to be honest I was really fucking jealous when you were talking to that person and I just need to let you know how I feel instead of harnessing that weird energy of like is he being shady is he not being shady like the minute that I started dating my boyfriend that was just how I started to approach things only because drum roll only because of me having a really unhealthy relationship prior I worked on myself and I took the time and it was so fucking awful in moments I was like I'm really bad at this I hate this about myself I don't like this about the relationship but the minute that I actually started to reflect on like what was my part in allowing it to get to the point of him cheating.

23:52It was that I stayed. It was that I stayed through all the other bullshit of him. It wasn't just the cheating. There was so much more. There was so much more. And I'm like, how did it get to this point? Baby girl, it's like you got him in an unhealthy way. Like it started unhealthy. Like what the fuck did you expect? You should be pissed at yourself. You waited around that long. You should have been out. So I just encourage everyone to know like coping is starting to look inward on yourself we can blame those motherfuckers all day they're trash they're fucking losers we don't need them the only thing you have control over is how the fuck are you about to move going forward how are you going to be in that next relationship because we don't have time to keep making the same fucking mistakes like let's be smart daddy gang how could you have seen better that you weren't being treated right and I really do believe it goes back to that gut feeling of like you fucking know you fucking know I just want everyone listening to realize that you shouldn't be embarrassed that you got cheated on and it took me a really long time to realize that and I'm not saying when you're in your room you're not going to feel embarrassed and initially but I'm saying that like you need to give yourself the grace and the time to get to the conclusion that you should not be fucking embarrassed and you should not feel ashamed that you got cheated on because it has nothing to do with you if you continue to stay in something and the person keeps showing you who they are after like a blatant sign like that of cheating then that is on you to decide your worth and what you want and what you want out of the relationship but until that happens I would say like learn from it learn the signs that you missed learn what you didn't fucking see that kind of was pretty clear to all your friends look around did your friends know did your friends be like wait what are you talking about I literally knew this was going to happen since day one like listen to people around you because we cannot fucking see that shit when we're in it daddy gang we can't I look back at my relationships and when my friends were like, bitch, what the fuck are you doing?

26:05I was like, I'm getting us fucking tickets to the game. They're like, oh yeah, go ahead. No, fuck you. But when I was with my friends, every time after I gave myself a couple months to go through it, then finally you're at fucking cocktails and your girlfriends are like, bitch, can we be real with you? Like he was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's then also on you for the next relationship. Listen to your fucking friends. There's going to, if you're in like college and high school, there's going to be some motherfuckers that have like weird agendas. So just know your close friends that keep it real with you and have no fucking agenda other than they love you.

26:38And they can fucking be there for you no matter what. They don't give a fuck. All they want you to do is be happy. Listen to those friends because they're seeing it clearly. We don't see it when we're changing, when all of a sudden we get in a relationship and it's healthy and fun and it's in the honeymoon stage and then all of a sudden you're getting that gut feeling he said some rude shit to you when you were drunk you got in a screaming fight he like now this is the third time you've slept on his couch and I'm saying this spaced out over months that like oh it was just one weekend this month that we got drunk and fought a lot and then like you have to just start to look at the things that are happening are slow and gradual and sometimes when we're so in it we don't fucking see that but to an outsider your friend is literally like I've been watching this for it feels like 10 years because they're watching the everyday of you just slowly changing but you're like intoxicated and you're in love and you're in the honeymoon stage and so it feels like 24 hours to us almost and then all of a sudden our friends are like yeah bitch if you had listened to us when we told you you know you wouldn't have been in that situation so coping is a motherfucker.

27:51It's not fun. I'm not saying you shouldn't ball your eyes out, listen to Taylor Swift, eat a lot of fucking food and do it for a couple weeks in a row if you want. But at some point you have to stop crying and feeling bad about it and bad for yourself and bad about the situation. And you need to be like, am I going to waste more time on this piece of fucking trash harsh ass shit or, or am I going to get the fuck up, not waste another minute of my precious fucking life? And am I going to get back out there? And am I going to start to work on my fucking self? So I make goddamn sure I never meet another motherfucker like him and get into a relationship with him because I'm going to be so good on my own shit that I would not even be attracted to that fucking energy.

28:47Good night. Goodbye, motherfucker. Daddy gang, that is it for this week's mini episode. My show is about to be on in one fucking minute and I cannot miss it. I love you all. I will just say, let me know if you liked, uh, if you want multiple questions in a questions of the week, or if you would just prefer the like kind of one question and a conversation about it. I'm open to the fucking, you know, I'm open to the truth and I'm open to some suggestions, baby. So daddy gang, I'm embarrassed to tell you what show I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch The Bachelor. I know, I know it fucking sucks.

29:24But I will say, you know, I like it a little bit. It's also like that brain dead show where you can like kind of pay attention. I think it's about to be hometowns this week. So I'm a little excited to see what's about to happen. I love you guys so much. I've been going through a lot lately of change and a lot of just stuff I want to eventually talk about on the podcast. But I feel like I haven't really been able to connect with you guys. I haven't been doing as many solo episodes. I haven't been doing as many mini solo episodes. And that is my bread and butter. And I do miss this a lot there's just been shit that has been kind of preventing me from doing that and just being in a space to like in my head podcast and talk so trust me though motherfuckers I'm back and we're gonna get fucking into it so um I love you make sure I don't oh my god I felt like I was like back in the OG day of color daddy I was like make sure you subscribe and rate me five stars is it four stars five stars I don't even I think five stars ten stars um rate leave a nice comment you know throw in a little gluck gluck 9 ,000 with a wink and I'll be looking for you I love you all I will see you fuckers next Wednesday goodbye

31:00Thank you.