He Cheated, Do I Leave?

0:02What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy. I have missed you guys. I have been very busy. Aren't we all just fucking busy, right? But I have been very, very on the go, as some people would say. And I hate being on the go. I like to be in my routine. I'm a very routine type of person. Just in terms of my work. It's so much easier for me to podcast when I'm home. This studio that I'm sitting in is in my house. we've got the lights we've got the cameras we've got all of it set up here so I am back it is so nice to see you I have been watching television lately and I don't know about you guys but I am such a television girl like since my childhood my parents are big movie people television people it was a thing growing up that we would all sit down and we would watch some type of television show like I said to my mom the other day I'm like I remember when Scandal came out and with Kerry Washington and I remember I went downstairs to my mom and we were like popping popcorn and she was like what are we gonna watch tonight I'm like mom like I saw this one thing online and I think this new show is gonna be amazing it's called Scandal and we had no idea what we were getting into and then my mom and I just kind of like went along on this journey with Olivia Pope and President Fitz for a very long time and it was the thing that bonded us you know even though I was being a menace to society maybe in my social life scandal brought us back together same thing with Grey's Anatomy like my mom my sister and I really bonded over that and then with sports my dad I would sit with him and watch sports so I guess football season is back we're all happy that sports are back

2:03I was cooking dinner the other night and it was the Kansas City Chiefs playing some other fucking team. I don't know what team. And is that literally every girl right now in the world? Like, oh, Taylor Swift was playing. I mean, sorry, Travis Kelsey was playing. And then it's like, I don't know who they were fucking playing. Regardless, the Chiefs were playing and I was cooking dinner. You guys, it is like, who is she? I know it's rare that I ever cook. But recently, I've been doing a really, really good recipe. I've been making Matt and I these tacos with this turkey meat and it's pretty phenomenal.

2:38So I'm cooking Matt dinner like the trad wife I am, a sexy little trad wife cooking up her taco meat. And then Matt is watching the game in the kitchen. And I tell Matt every single time that Taylor Swift comes on the TV, you have to tell me so I can turn around from the stove and I can see her and it's just so incredible honestly like I like football I grew up watching football I was a big Eagles fan growing up then I went to college in Boston and I became a big Patriots fan yeah I have no fucking loyalty I know that was like a big point of contention of like whenever I wear like a sports shirt on this show and people are like is that a Pittsburgh shirt I remember I wore one for it was like when I interviewed the chain smokers and everyone was like livid they were like Pittsburgh Alex like you're from fucking Philly and I was like first of all this is a vintage random hoodie that I sourced and found and it's cute and it's comfortable I don't give a fuck what it says and second of all I don't have loyalty to these sports teams because I don't really care like I don't know if that's gonna really upset at some people, but like I go with what is entertaining me, right?

3:54So in college, I was very entertained for multiple reasons by the New England Patriots. Okay. We had Tom Brady. We had, you know, other athletes that I was having entanglements with and it was fun and they were the best and we just kept winning and it was fun. So I switched. I was a fucking homie hopper. I switched from the Eagles. I went to the fucking Patriots and now I watch the Chiefs. It's the only fucking team I really watch. Sometimes I pop in though when the Eagles are doing well, when the Eagles are sucking, ah, I'm a fair weathered fan. Like I don't really care when it comes to, you know, I just want to follow who's doing well or who's interesting.

4:30Right? Like I remember when Carrie Underwood was dating Tony Romo on the Cowboys. I was a fan of the Cowboys. Oh, loved it. Couldn't get enough. Was a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader that year for fucking Halloween. Like I don't care. I don't care. I just want to be entertained. A little bit of pop culture with with sports, I'm happy. But yeah, overall, everything else is going well. I'm going on tour. Oh, yes, I'm going on tour. So I went on my first live tour last fall. And it was one of truly the most incredible experiences of my life. Like, it is an odd thing with podcasting where like, I sit here in my house, and I'm gonna press upload to this episode.

5:11And then I go, you know, have a bagel and I sit down and it's like nothing ever happened but live and tour was one of the most incredible experiences because I got to interact with all of you in a way that I've never done before and that's why I am enjoying these live events with Unwell it's been so incredible to get to like hang out with you guys and meet you guys and so now I'm going back on tour on the west coast we did the east coast last year now we're doing west coast tour so we're going Denver, Austin, Dallas, Phoenix, San Diego, Oakland, Los Angeles. I hope I didn't forget a city. I think that's it.

5:50And I'm just so excited because I love creating these fun live experiences for you guys. And I definitely am doing different things in the live show that it's, it's like making me like work on different parts of my career I don't know if that makes any more sense but like being live is intimidating and I get so nervous before I go out on stage and then I lightly black out and then the minute you guys are all screaming and hyping me up I'm like okay I'm safe I'm with daddy gang everything is going to be okay but truly being in person with you guys has just made me even more grateful for this job that you guys have all granted me the opportunity to have and it's not lost on me that like I literally would have none of this if it wasn't for you guys so getting to do these moments with you just feels really really fulfilling and if you haven't I think there are tickets left so go get your fucking tickets it's going to be a time okay so today I have been wanting to for a very long time go through your questions because I have a document pulled up on my computer of just so many questions that you guys have had for me that I wanted to properly sit down and talk through because a lot is going on in your lives right so let me go grab my computer and then let us begin questions of the motherfucking week bitch one second sometimes when I wear sunglasses in these episodes it really just I feel like I'm activating my freak and I'm going to be able to just give you guys maybe some better insight if I'm really feeling like I don't know weirder Matt's golfing right now and it's 110 degrees outside like please tell me the dedication that men have to golf I don't want to say anything too crazy but like I have been kind of thinking about getting into golf and when I say getting into golf I more just mean like I don't know in the future like when I'm like 50 yeah when I'm 50 I feel like I want to get into golf.

7:58So we've got some, we've got like a couple of decades to go, obviously, but it's just something that's been in the back of my mind because I feel like as I get older, there's only so much that Matt and I are going to be able to do. You know, the kids are out of the house. I haven't even had a fucking kid yet, but you know, I'm thinking about the long-term effect. Like kids are out of the house. You know, I don't want to just become an alcoholic and just every day be like pacing around waiting for five o 'clock. And so, you know, I'm just thinking to myself, like, what is something that Matt and I can do that we obviously will continue to watch television shows together, but that only goes so far.

8:33And when you get old, like you want to be active, baby. I want to keep those knees from creaking. I want to keep those hips from having to get a hip replacement. And I want to make sure I'm out there looking cute in my outfits. So yeah, I don't know. I've thought about starting golf in a couple of decades, but if you guys want to join me, I'll let you guys know when I do decide, um, to start that journey. But again, we have time. So don't go like getting your golf clubs without me. Just know it's coming. Okay, let's start doing questions of the fucking week because bitch, we got a lot going on right now.

9:02You know, life is fucking tough and life is a roller coaster. And some of you are at the top of the fucking roller coaster and some of you are stuck upside down on the roller coaster. It's always nice to be on the top, but most of the time we're all upside down. So let's get you guys to the top. What the fuck am I saying? I told you the glasses, they ignite something. Okay, here we go first question from the daddy gang I can't fucking see what these things are what am I even fucking doing let's try this again okay I want to break up with my boyfriend but I don't know how to like I really enjoy time with him and everything but I just feel it in my gut it's not the right person I want him to find his person and me to be single for a while but I have never really been single I jumped from relationship to relationship and only felt able to end one when I already had someone else to focus on I now really want to break this pattern and finally be there for myself.

9:50I just need that last kick in the ass and a little help in how to break up with someone and going through the whole breakup. Oh my God. I mean, I could do a whole episode on how to break up with someone, but I think my first bit of advice would be there's no reason to ever stay in something longer than you have to, not just for you selfishly, but also for the other person. Like imagine if your boyfriend was aware that you were just like so not into it anymore. I feel like you are on the right track. Like, yes, you do need to end this. I do think when it comes to breaking up with someone, we overthink it because like you're a good person.

10:31You don't want to hurt this person's feelings. And I think a lot of times when you're breaking up with someone like you can sometimes feel so awful because a lot of the times like you do love the person. this doesn't mean that you're not like you don't love your boyfriend but you're not currently in love with this person and so you have a lot of love for this person so it makes it so hard to like what you think is going to happen is break their heart and that may be the case but what's more heartbreaking if is if you stay in something and fake it for what not for him and not for you no one would be happy if you knew you were faking it right so I think the best case is this that I always tell my friends when almost like how you used to have like the next thing lined up of who you were going to go to in a relationship I think you have to have that in some capacity but not with another man but with your situation so before you completely break up with your boyfriend I don't know your circumstances maybe you live together maybe you I don't know have a bunch of his shit at your house whatever it is I think you always have to plan how the minute you end something be able to cut the cord because there is nothing worse than when you try to end something with someone and it lingers because of logistics or because you weren't firm enough or because you're like oh we live together so I'm breaking up but now I have to like go on Zillow and now find a new apartment like you have to get all your ducks in a row before you make that decision with this person because it's going to make it so much easier on both of you to have a clean cut so let's say you are living together I would say talk to one of your trusted friends or your family and obviously unless you can get an apartment right away but if you like are on the same lease with this person there's so much drama that goes into that but like know where you're going to go know where you're going to live before you make this decision so that when you are like doing this and you're breaking this person's heart and they're like well like can we have another conversation like obviously we live together you'd be like so I am moving out and I have a place lined up right now to like go stay with bethany or whoever the fuck you're gonna go stay with like line up your logistics so that the only thing you're focusing on is the conversation of the relationship ending and nothing else has to fucking linger because what i do find with my friends and with myself in the past is like there are times where it's so it's so fucking hard to break up with someone and the worst is when you almost get to the point where they're like letting it go but then it's like oh but now I we need to deal with all of this other shit so then you keep talking and then it makes it either harder or they try to get back with you and then you kind of feel so bad that you ended up like not keeping your backbone and you just fold and you stay with the person longer like I've seen it so many fucking times so how now do you have the conversation so once I think you've lined up all of these dynamics of like where you're gonna live what you're gonna do getting all the things prepared I would say you one day sit this person down whether it's on a Sunday or a Saturday I would recommend maybe doing it on a weekend where maybe you had planned to like have dinner in together or something just because again the level of breakup is always going to be different depending on the person but like I just know if you are the one getting broken up with It would be nice to have like a reset day before you have to go into work on a Monday.

13:51So let's say it's a Saturday night and you had asked your boyfriend like, okay, like let's do a night in. I'm going to order us some takeout. I think you sit them down and you say, hey, there has been something that has been weighing on me and I have been thinking a lot about it. and this isn't just a rash decision this has been kind of this building feeling that for a while I couldn't really pinpoint and explain it so this is kind of why I didn't bring it up but I feel so awful saying this and it truly breaks my heart because I love you and there is nothing like like blatantly going wrong in this relationship but I don't feel completely fulfilled and happy and I feel like we have gotten to the point in our relationship where we have done everything we could to make each other happy like you've been so incredible to me I am happy when I'm with you I know our connection has been amazing but I do feel like I'm getting to that point where I am starting to think about my future and I am starting to think about long term and I don't feel that we are compatibility wise the fit for me long term and it makes me want to cry and throw up at the same time and saying that to you because I know this would be easier if I was saying like this is the thing that you did wrong you did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong we literally have given this our all but I just don't know if you're my person and that is really painful to admit but it's the truth and so I have lined up I'm gonna go stay with my friends and I'll make sure I get all the stuff out of the apartment again I'm literally talking about like logistics but I'm going to go stay with Casey and I'm really really sorry and I I of course want to hear your thoughts but like this is a decision that I have been suppressing but I have made up my mind and I feel so awful but like I also don't want to waste any more of your time like I love you and I want you to find your person and I want you to be happy and I know this is probably coming as a shock um but I love you and I'm really sorry and I'll always care for you but this is not right for me and I can't stay in something that I don't feel completely happy in I think the word compatibility is always the way to go when you're breaking up with someone that didn't cheat that hasn't been you know malicious towards you or like obviously when you're sitting someone down to break up with someone and there is a literal problem in your relationship that you can be like I have been trying to get through it I know I said I would get over you cheating but I have now like spent enough time where I literally can't get past it like it just isn't gonna happen headphone is literally ripping out my hair um so yes I think the answer is it's always easier not emotionally but it's easier logistically when someone does something to be so hurtful to you, it's of course easier to end that relationship because you have this concrete example of why XYZ needs to happen, right?

17:34And that's the thing that's weird about friendships versus romantic relationships or even jobs, right? It's like when you're in a friendship, if everyone is acting loving and amazing and you're happy and you love the person, there's never a reason to end the relationship. You know what I mean? Like, why are you ending a friendship where you are happy and you love them and of course every friend has their wrongdoings but it's like you're never ending a relationship because you're like you're not the right one like I don't think like you've done nothing wrong but like you're just not the right one like that never happens so specifically for romantic relationships that is what's so weird about those dynamics is like this person can be doing every fucking thing right they can be so incredible and you can literally love the person but they may not be your person because in romantic relationships we need certain things filled up in our cup that like sometimes you can't even explain it sometimes it's a feeling sometimes and they're not doing anything wrong and that's so different than relationships with friends you're like why would I ever end a friendship with someone that's literally like the best and makes me happy and I love them well that happens in romantic relationships and sometimes there's literally no reasoning but when you tell someone that compatibility wise it just doesn't feel like it's a fit what the fuck is someone gonna say to that if you are telling someone I don't feel like we are compatible they're gonna be like no we are and then you're like in your eyes but in my eyes we're not and again you can use the compatibility thing if you think that the person is literally going to like make it impossible for you to move on like I've had friends that are like literally like what the fuck am I supposed to do and I think the compatibility is a good thing or I just think the you're not my person like I don't think this is this is it I know this isn't it for me don't say I don't think sorry rewind you are not my person it doesn't mean I don't love you it doesn't mean that our relationship has meant nothing to me but you are not my person if someone tells you that you are not their person and they still want to be with you that's the person holding on because they have something going on that they're like they're basically not they're not listening to you if someone said to me you're not my person I don't think there's a bigger insult not in the way that I can be mad at them it's literally just like not an insult it's more just like there's literally nowhere to go don't open your mouth and try to fight for the relationship don't try to fucking say they're literally telling you you are not the love of your their life they are telling you that they do not see you as long term and they are telling like there's no it's one thing if they're like i'm it's really frustrating to me because even if it was like something about like your job or your your humor that you're imposing on them at times that's annoying them like what no this is literally just like you're literally not my person.

20:28And as hard as that is to hear, if you're the person on the receiving end, that is a very definitive done answer. There's no coming back from that. So every single dynamic and breakup is different. And I wish I could like sit with you on this couch and ask you more questions because obviously like the way that I would break up and help you break up with this person is going to be indicative of a lot of different factors in your relationship. Like, have you guys been dating since you were 16 years old? Did you meet in college? Like, have you only been dating for a year like the point is is have your logistics set up have your go-to whether it's the compatibility or you're not my person or whatever feels right for you that is basically like they can't argue it and you have to be super strong and my other point of advice is when you're doing this you need to have someone in your life that is downstairs when you do it that is my personal opinion when you do this have someone in the car whether it's your friend your mom your dad your sister your brother your whoever the fuck your support system and have them waiting downstairs because when you do it what I've learned from myself and my friends is like breakups can go on for so fucking long to the point that you're literally like we are going in circles and understandably that person is blindsided probably so they're like trying to get this like closure in the moment from you and you've been thinking about this for so fucking long so you have to give them some grace of a conversation but what you could also do which I actually think is is totally fair is tell them like I'm gonna go I know that this is a lot and I just put this on you and you didn't know this was happening and so I want to give you time to process it and I I love you and I want you to know like I'm here if you want to have one more follow-up conversation of any questions you have because I acknowledge like I had this information I'm giving it to you you haven't had a chance to really like digest it and to sit with it and so if you want like I will I'm down to have it like more of like a closure conversation for you that's if like it's you don't get all of that in the first conversation of the breakup and sometimes people if this was like a six-year relationship like you're probably gonna need to have another conversation what I would tell you to avoid though is the two hour long breakup you're gonna go in circles you're gonna literally just be like spinning out and and continue to talk about the same thing over and over and that's why I think it's the best decision to have a friend downstairs waiting for you so you can say like I um like my mom is downstairs she she's gonna like bring me home and and I know like you probably are going to have more questions but I do think like I need to I need to go because I don't want us to also just keep like spinning in circles and I also want to give you some alone time and me some alone time because I know this is like a very emotional situation so overall I'm really sorry though because breakups are so fucking horrible and awful and there's no right way to do them I just think the there's a sweet spot of the shortness period and how long and short it goes and then also there's those things that you can say that kind of leaves them there's nothing really to say back but I'm really sorry and I hope you're okay and that's the that's the other thing that I will just say to you guys is like if you think that you are not with the right person you need to end the relationship we're all too fucking young to be in a situation where we have doubts and we're all too young to be like but maybe it will get better it's not going to get better it's not going to get better it only gets worse as time goes on any problem that you're having like it only gets worse and so I think when you have that doubt in your brain where you're like is this my person the answer is no the answer is no like if you're of course there's like moments where it's come big like oh my god are we gonna get married and oh my gosh like am I sure this is my person like of course there's like natural pauses that you have to like assess your fucking life I'm not saying that if you have had this like little lingering voice in the back of your head or that gut feeling of like I love them so much but the butt is bigger than you love them so much it always is because the butt is you we can love so many people in our fucking lifetime I truly believe that I have believed I have loved many people before Matt but I feel like there's the immediate pain of ending a relationship and the fear of being single for like one year two year five years even those small years of being single and fearing like will I ever find someone you will you will find someone again and I would rather restart and get single and have to go through those single periods of like a couple years figuring out what who's you know what you want and who is the next person than spending 70 plus years with someone and being fucking miserable it's it's again I know it's very scary for women because it's like we have our clocks and everyone's telling us we have to find our person and oh my god hurry up but it's also like pause for a fucking second there is there is no need to stay with someone just because you're afraid of starting over if that is the only reason you're staying with someone then you need to end the relationship immediately because I'm telling you like I've seen my friends do it I've had it happen where it's like oh my god you think you're never gonna find someone and then most of the time when that happens you literally find the person like in a couple months and you're like oh fuck so we're so clouded by like the fear of moving on that we stay if you have any fucking doubts in your gut and in your head that keep creeping up they're not the right person because I'm telling you you will know when you found the right person there will always be problems in every relationship you will always have these little things that you're like oh like that is upsetting me or so but the core of like I don't know if this is my like person that I want to be with long term then you have your answer that is not your person so any girl listening right now or any woman listening right now whoever is listening just please trust your gut if you have any fucking doubts you have your answer um oh this is kind of like a vibe shift does anyone actually eat ass I'm talking about getting all up in someone's butthole.

27:11We had a poll between all of our friends and 60 % of them said they have either eaten ass or received it. I don't believe them. Believe them. Yeah, it's a thing, sweetie. We're eating ass good these days. No. Yes, there is a lot of I remember the first time I got my ass eaten and I was like what the fuck is happening I don't personally love it but I have had guys that like loved it I remember like the first guy that asked me to do that I was also obsessed with him so I would have literally like eaten his shit that's fucking disgusting and I actually wouldn't have done that but like the concept of like giving a blowjob and then going a little downtown and giving them a little whoop-de-doop yeah that's not that's not foreign that's a that's happening that's in real time I'm someone as I'm saying this and I'm making this podcast.

28:02Someone right now is eating ass in the world. They may not be loving it, but they're doing it. It's happening, sister. Either get on board or you don't need to get on board. But if you want to get on board, get on board, get on board. Some people fucking love it. And then some people are like, literally get away from my asshole. Oh my God. Speaking of assholes, what is going on with the daddy gang this week? Okay, ready? Here's a story time. So I work in real estate. One morning I was early for a showing to make sure all looked good. I just had some coffee so I went to use the bathroom to go number two.

28:34I tried to flush and realized the toilet was broken and the water wasn't on. I was like fuck some people are coming in a minute and I hope it doesn't smell like shit. So I closed the toilet and hoped for the best. The property sat vacant for a month until that person moved in. My boss and I got a text in our group chat, a picture of a hardened shit and said, this needs to be fixed immediately from the new homeowner. This was on Christmas Eve and the repair cost to get a handyman over was double the normal. The owner of that unit, our client, was demanding to know what happened and who used the bathroom.

29:16Do I fess up? Bitch, absolutely fucking not. not no no no you don't have to be like hey just coming in to take a little accountability here you never what are they gonna do fucking fecal test that shit and test whose it was no no you don't need to fess up on who's shit in the toilet you gotta play it cool you gotta play it safe you gotta play it just you gotta play it mortified my god I can't imagine maybe it was someone that was like we were showing the house to laid it down, laid the pipes down, let it all loose and free. My God, thank God it's hardened. That one's going to be easier to pick up.

30:01We're on it. We gotcha. We're going to get it out. It's a classic white lie. You know, I don't believe in like lying in a way that's really going to fuck some shit up. Have I done it in the past? Yeah, I guess when I was like younger, but lying is fucking stupid. What's not stupid is a white little fucking lie that's gonna, you know, uphold your dignity. That's going to allow you to have some fucking source of respect at your real estate job. You don't need to fucking put yourself under the bus here, sweetie. You just keep driving the bus and let everyone wonder who shit their brains out that day.

30:39You know, it was you, but they don't need to. Okay. Keep that shit to yourself, sweetie. Literally. Oh God. Okay. I'm scared. Here's another story. This story, I was reading this when I was picking this and it gives me like, I have anxiety for you.

31:15my husband and I got married six months ago we're currently renting and would like to buy a house so a few months ago I picked up a second job bartending at a local place that I used to work a few years ago. It was my first night back getting into the groove of things and I didn't think anything of it and then all of a sudden this guy that I used to hook up with prior to meeting my husband walks in with one of his buddies. I completely forgot that he existed in the world but my stomach was in constant knots. I played it casual and grabbed them a few beers. They stayed until the bar closed and got pretty hammered.

31:47We were locking up and he asked if I could give him a ride home. I told him yes but if he tried anything I would kick him out of the car and make him walk the rest of the way home. He agreed with my terms and we were on our way. The whole ride to his house, he was telling me about how much he missed me working there and he was so happy to see me. I dropped him off and went on my way. Fast forward to present time. He comes to see me almost every weekend when I work. I always give him a ride home and we have now hooked up twice and talk every day. I just can't keep my hands off this man. My husband knows nothing.

32:20We just have this undeniable connection, not even just sexual. I can feel myself slowly dissociating from my husband and I don't even feel bad is six months too soon for a divorce Kim K has had shorter marriages so this isn't even that bad right what the fuck this is bad this is really bad um there's multiple reasons that this is bad this this literally sounds like a fucking smut novel that someone would write um for a book listen this is in my life so I'm not here to judge you and you're writing in and you're asking for advice and this is my advice I understand that you had like an on and off again fling with this guy but it seems like you have an entire relationship with your husband prior to getting married and you're getting married and you're not saying you were even thinking about this man nor was he thinking about you he was never reaching out so this to me is like a complete lust temptation thing even though you're saying there's more of a connection than like you know you having a sexual connection the temptation of you have this separate job and you've almost created a second second life which is really really concerning it's like I feel like it's when people cheat online and they're like it doesn't even count like they're almost able to close their phone and then re-enter reality and I think that's been like a huge problem with a lot of couples it's like online cheating I think this is almost like a workplace relationship type of cheating situation too right it's like your husband is never coming into your job your work at the bar is your own fucking thing and so it almost is creating this like alternate universe that you are participating in and you're not even feeling guilty because it's so estranged from your own life that you're it's like a person from your past it's a place you used to work you're almost like regressing to that time in your life.

34:13And I never, ever, ever think that cheating when you're married is acceptable. Like if Matt cheated on me, I would leave him immediately. Like I don't personally, I couldn't do it. I, I, I, and I get, I get everyone is different. So I want to be clear. Like I know there are so many people that have stayed in relationships, um, when they're married that with, with infidelity and everything, but I just could never, it's just something that I, in my body. I know I would never be able to get rid of it. I know I would turn into the worst version of myself. I know that I would feel so insecure. I would be paranoid.

34:48I would want to be checking his phone and I don't want to be that version of myself. And so when the trust is broken, the trust is broken. And that's again, that's me. I don't want anyone to feel judged. I think I completely see the other side and I have friends that have stayed and I have supported them. Like it really really it comes down to your individual ability to move past something with that said what you're currently doing is your you not having any remorse I'm worried that like are you going to now marry this man you know what I mean like he never reached out you weren't reaching out this man was not even a thought in your brain and all of a sudden you start this job that you used to have and it's bringing back all these old memories but what I can say is aside from this man because this isn't about the man that you're cheating with he honestly has fuck all to do with it the fact that you agreed to put this person in your car had he got there with his buddy you know what I mean they can get a fucking uber they can get a fucking taxi how did they get to the bar and how do they plan on getting home from the bar you know what I mean he clearly was using that as an excuse to just like get you to drive him home how did his buddy get home so the fact that you put this man in your car and you drove him home you you knew what you were doing like I worry that that's more just telling to like maybe you are really not happy in your romantic relationship with your husband and your marriage and that's okay but I don't think it's okay to just start falling into this new thing without giving your husband a chance like this is someone that just got married six months ago and I don't know what's going on at home but like if you're also acting like nothing is wrong at home this is gonna ruin this man's fucking trust for the rest of his life six months into the marriage and you're cheating on him with a past person and you're not even fucking remorseful about it like if he finds out this man is going to be fucking broken and I think when I was younger when I thought about cheating I I think the stakes are lower like I'm not saying cheating is okay but like when I would see my friends cheating or when even when I look back if I got cheated on it fucked me up for sure but like as you get older and you get closer to genuine actually looking for monogamy if that's something you're looking for getting cheated on in high school is absolutely going to be traumatizing in the moment but you are not getting married to this person you probably don't have a child with this person like the stakes are much lower but as you get to the point in your life where you are looking at marriage and you are thinking about kids and all those things like it is so much heavier in my opinion again people can disagree but I think people in college even are like cheating on each other and it's like oh I fucked Jessica and the sorority and the girl's crying and she's like fuck you and then she goes and fucks his frat brother and it's like it's all very messy because no one is actually like, I'm going to marry you in college.

37:50For sure. You could stay with your college person and then you get married. But like in the moment in college, no one's like getting fucking married in college. So it's a little like, whatever. Again, not saying cheating is okay then, but you know what I'm saying? Like the stakes are just lower. And so now you are adults. You are talking about, you got this job because you were planning on buying a house with this person. So which is it? Are you genuinely looking to start a life with this person post getting married and build a life with this person or are you out listen I love you and and the way that this is written I know I don't ever have all the context maybe your husband hasn't been having sex with you or looking at you since you got married I don't know you didn't write that here but I don't know I just think living a life based on a lie is going to eat you alive and it's going to come back to bite you in the ass at some point and whether he finds out and he leaves you and then this guy actually is like actually like it was kind of just like hot for a minute that we like found each other again but like I actually am out and I'm like have a girlfriend now like I just want you to take care of yourself and the people around you to know that this your actions will have consequences and I think you just have to pause and think for a minute like what do you actually want if you want out of this marriage get out of the marriage as upsetting as that is that it's only been a six months marriage yes you can end your fucking marriage like it's okay but I think you have to try to discern like are you unhappy in that marriage was this random affair or something that was just like out of insecurity or lust or temptation like first you need to figure out what you want and why you made this decision and then I think you need to act accordingly and make a decision because you can't keep going at this rate because you're fucking with someone's life right now your husband is sitting at home in love with you thinking that you guys you're at your job trying to get more money so that you guys can get a house like this poor man is like probably fucking packing you a lunch or a dinner when you're going to your job being like I love you sweetie like thank you so much for taking on this fucking second job like little does he know it's become a second fucking relationship that you have I'm sorry it's just that's a really complicated situation but I would my also advice would be before you guys if you are thinking of children before you think of children or if you're not thinking of children before you get this house don't buy the fucking house while you're having an affair you need to stop it at some point because I believe again I don't know you but I believe you're probably a good person and this is a situation you got yourself into and it's thrilling and it's exciting and it's all the things but you're also like forgetting that the person you fell in love with and married is gonna be heart broken.

40:30So I'm sorry. That was, that was kind of dark. We went from eating ass to this. Whoa. Whoa. Um, okay. So I'm 23 and I'm a virgin, not because of any religious beliefs or anything. It just hasn't happened. I've struggled with my weight a lot. And my inner voice always tells me I'm too fat for anyone to think I'm hot, but I'm a very sexual person. I think about sex a lot. I started masturbating at 11, but I haven't done anything with another person. Recently, I've started to get more attention from guys that I actually think are kind of hot. My looks haven't changed though, but I don't really know how to handle the attention.

41:05This is so weird for me that guys are just randomly texting after we hung out in a group setting and for guys to actively seek me out in a group with other girls. So I guess my question is, how do I handle this? Where do we go from here? Because I want it to go further. I just don't know how. First of all, I just want to say you are so deserving of happiness and I completely empathize and understand like we all have our own insecurities that can keep us from living the life we want to live whether it's like you don't go to the party because you're feeling insecure about whether it's your weight or your skin or your friendship standings whatever it is we've all been there where you're like prohibiting yourself from actually thriving and enjoying because you're so in your head about something and I'm also want to clarify like it may also not be just fully in your head like you may have had people say things to you and make you feel more insecure and so you've been shut down and you feel like you feel awful about yourself in moments and it's hard to put yourself out there and act confident especially on something that privately you actually enjoy and you want to do but publicly you're like I don't know if I can connect with a guy on this level because is he going to judge me or is he going to be focused on my weight when we're having sex like that's all fucking normal and I think so many fucking women not even so many women every fucking woman goes through it at some point in their life when you're having sex and you're feeling insecure and you're like oh my god is he looking at this or that no if he's in the room with you and he's courting you and he's and he's interested he's interested babe and like you gotta just fucking embrace that and I know that's hard I think my advice to you would be this being a sexual person and the fact that you have been masturbating since you were young, that is incredible.

42:49You are in tune with your sexuality and that is a great step. Like there are a lot of women that have never touched themselves or have never self-masturbated. Right. And so I think the fact that you are wanting this and knowing you want this now, you just have to put yourself out there and it's fucking terrifying. And I, I know you're going to be in your head. I think you just have to find a way to recognize that half of the reason that we are insecure in these moments is because we're being too fucking hard on ourselves and no one else is thinking the things that we're thinking about ourself right and so if you are getting this like incredible fun exciting attention from a guy go for it go for it and if anyone ever fucking makes you feel bad about yourself when you do go for it whether it's the guy or people public, whatever it is, they're fucking shitty people point blank.

43:43And that's not on you. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like as we get older, it's like, I don't have time to like judge people or be like catty or mean or whatever. It's like, everyone's doing their fucking best. And so you have to just try to find it within yourself. You want something, go fucking get it, bitch. Like go have sex, go enjoy yourself. And if a man ever makes you feel insecure while that's happening, fuck him and his little fucking dick. Okay. He doesn't fucking deserve you. You are fucking hotter than you ever fucking could imagine. You just have to start to believe that you have to look at yourself in the mirror and start to be like, I am that fucking bitch.

44:22And when you're masturbating and you're feeling fucking good, channel that fucking energy when you're having sex for the first time. Okay. You are embracing your sexuality when you're alone, do it in front of someone else. And I bet you're going to feel so fucking empowered but what I do want to prep you for like I'm saying is like so many women can relate to this there are many times I have had experiences with men that they did not show up and treat me the way that I expected them to we cannot control what other people are going to treat us like but you can control how you let it make you feel and how sad if a man makes you feel insecure about your weight or your looks when you're having sex and if that happens shame on that fucking person that's a fucking shitty ass person and guess what you're not so don't own any fucking behavior that is someone putting you down because that's their own fucking shit that they need to handle I'm not saying it's not going to make you feel bad but at some point you're going to have to just take control of your life and be like you know what I am that fucking bitch I fucking want to have sex I want to enjoy myself I've got one fucking life I want to do it and I want to get down and I want to get dirty bitch and I'm gonna do it and when little bitch boys make you feel insecure he's a little fucking bitch and you're not that has nothing to do with you so own that shit bitch and to every woman listening we all have our own fucking shit that prohibits us from leaning in and enjoying certain things who gives a fuck again I know it's not easy but like we got to just start to be like I literally don't care what you think about me I don't care if you're gonna call me ugly or fat or x or y or z fuck you fuck you how do you have time to critique me in my life how do you have time we're all just doing our fucking best so bitch get after it write me in I want to know when you lose your virginity I'm excited for you and I'm proud of you and I'm and I'm really sorry that you've had that experience of feeling suppressed but I promise you once you open the door it's only gonna get better and the first time may be fucking shit I'm gonna be real don't have the craziest highest expectations you'll probably prefer masturbating to sex for maybe a minute and then once you find the right person or you find the right physical connection it's gonna be fucking amazing I'm I'm really happy for you though hey daddy obviously love the pod and you.

46:48I got married in May. Yay. Congrats. Right. Little did I know wrong. I'm 30. So usually I'm not the one going through phones. But one night after a couple of bourbons and my husband falling asleep, I found myself wondering if he had anything to hide and me to worry about. Mind you, if you asked anyone before he worshipped the ground I walked on. Well, as I dove into his phone I found he was messaging an ex for a year dirty pictures exchanged but that's not what really hurt I found he was saying I love you to her trying to fly her out while on my bachelorette oh my god we live in a different state and on the wedding day sending her pictures in his suit I called him out and he owned up to it and I stayed since we're newly married and told him if I ever find anything again, I'd be gone.

47:41Question, did I go too easy? We've been through a lot. He beat cancer and when he went into remission is around the time he started messaging his ex. I understand the insecurity and need for reassurance after that, but I went through it too. What do I do?

48:12I'm so fucking sorry like first and foremost I'm so sorry I can't imagine there's it's like two pronged it's like number one the fact that he's cheating in general and you're finding all of this and it's the worst fucking feeling when you have that gut feeling and you're like okay I'm gonna go through the phone and I'm really hoping that I don't find something but how much worse to know that the cheating was transpiring while you were getting married all the way down to the day of your wedding and he's sending a picture in his suit that is a fucked up person I don't care if he's like beat cancer or whatever the fuck like that's like I'm sorry and and like we'll get to the cancer thing in a minute but like that is not an excuse for betraying you on one of the most important days of your relationship the day that you are committing to each other the day that you are vowing that you will be there for each other in sickness and health as you already proved you would do the day that you talk about your loyalty and your love for each other and this man is sending this fucking girl a picture in his fucking suit in what world is this man living on like that is like a seriously fucked in the head person and I'm sorry now let me backtrack because I recognize this is your husband and I said this earlier everyone is going to be different when it comes to cheating but what I do think even if you're going to stay is there needs to be some serious serious serious conversations like you can't just say I'll never do it again and never do it again like this is like a we need to almost go through a like a 10-step fucking program to ensure that this is never going to happen again and that you actually show that you're remorseful and how did this happen and why did this happen and how are we going to move forward and how we're going to rebuild trust like when someone cheats I feel like there is a lot of difficulty around the person that cheated feels like if I'm going to if we're going to stay in this relationship you kind of have to let it go because I can't keep living in this like I'm under a microscope every five seconds and you never trust me I get that kind of but it is also on them to make sure that you feel 100 % confident in this relationship or you at least get to that at some capacity and so it's on them to put in so much fucking work to build back that trust and I feel like a lot of times with cheating in relationships once they say I'm sorry and there's the blowout fight and there's the crying and there's the screaming then it kind of is just like over and there's like some follow-up conversations or there's not follow-up conversations there's just breakout fights when it's like well you didn't text me and I was getting worried and obviously you've cheated on me so I was getting fucking paranoid that you were doing it again and he's like I was just out with the boys I wasn't fucking cheating you're so fucking crazy I told you I'm never gonna do that again like there's this animosity that starts to build and I don't want that for you so number one I think you did go too easy again you only shared a brief like recap of how you handled it but I just think that like there's something wrong with this person which leads me to think that he may be like I'm not a fucking therapist so I don't want to like diagnose here but my brain goes to and again like please like don't take my word for this but like something with him is mentally like um mental health going on maybe and maybe it is because of the cancer that he was going through but like to be able to check out and to dissociate and to because a lot of times I feel like and again I'm saying this and this I could be wrong but like I choose to believe that a lot of times when people cheat they're not these like awful bad people like this isn't and again there are those type of men or women that are like so narcissistic and sociopathic that it's like they're getting off on going behind their partner's back and making these decisions but I do feel like that's like a two out of ten scenario right a lot of times when people cheat it is this like deep-seated insecurity or need for validation or they have sexual needs or there's a disconnect in the relationship whatever it is, they're doing this and they're not thinking.

52:34They're not thinking about their partner and the ramifications it's going to have and the emotional damage it's going to do to their partner. They're being selfish in a moment and they're acting on it and they're not thinking past that. If anything, they're not thinking. So my problem though with this decision is the layer of it being on your wedding day and leading up to your wedding, that is a very, very potentially like emotionally cut off person to be in wedding planning to be talking about forever with someone to be walking down the aisle to be saying I do to someone and all while sending pictures of their their fucking suit on the day to their mistress what the fuck so let's make it less about his infidelity and more about like what is going on with your husband that he is so capable of something so hurtful and evil and we can choose to believe he's not the two out of ten right that's like an evil person so if I were you I would say you need to get into couples therapy if you're going to stay he needs to get into individual therapy because again who knows maybe the cancer like he has lost all capacity to process emotions because he kind of shut himself off during chemo and was just like I just I don't know I can't speak for him I'm just trying to think of like maybe something in that process made him really disconnect from his feelings and therefore his decisions of this person were his like ability to feel something that he wasn't getting from you in a stable relationship I don't fucking know but you need to find that out in order to move forward in my opinion and listen I also want to say like if this happened when you're writing this in and you just found this out because this is you said six months after the marriage or was it six months you said you found this out, even if this was like two months ago and you're now writing in, you can always bring it back up.

54:36And to anyone listening, if you had accepted someone and forgiven someone from cheating and you now are listening to this or you're having regrets, you can always bring it back up in a thoughtful way of saying, hey, I know that I told you I could move past what happened in the cheating. And I genuinely meant that in that moment I love you and I want to work this out and I still want to work this out but through time I have realized that I do not feel fulfilled and happy in this relationship in the context of everything that happened I don't feel like I got full like resolution from that I don't feel like I still feel anxious I'm still finding myself being a bad version of myself like thinking maybe you're doing it again and thinking you're so I realized that in order for us to move forward and to actually move forward we could where we could try to actually genuinely rebuild to the place not even that we were to not even that where we were before the cheating actually get to a better place a more communicative place to really get to a place that we've never been I think we need to go to therapy and I am asking you to do couples therapy with me but I also recognize this was an individual decision that you made I don't fucking give a fuck every time everyone's like it takes two to tango when someone cheats yeah maybe maybe in some situations but what I don't fuck with is when someone goes and cheats and never fucking articulated to their partner what they were not happy with that's then one-sided if you have consistently gone to your partner and said I am not fulfilled in our sex life we don't connect anymore physically and then your partner is is not meeting you where you guys can come together and be like okay how are we going to work on this if you have just been thinking this and you never gave your fucking partner the chance to redeem themselves or to fix something that they were fucking up on or even if they weren't fucking up on and you just have this need you have to fucking communicate what you're missing in order for them to then participate in trying to fucking make it all better and to make you guys both feel fucking happy and fulfilled.

56:50So cheating for sure. It can take two to tango where your partner is emotionally checked out and you keep asking them, can we please schedule a date night? Can you please pay attention to me? And they're never paying attention. And then you go cheat. I'm not justifying the cheating, but I am saying then it maybe is. I can lightly agree on that. It takes two to tango because you're begging your partner to feel seen, to feel heard, or to meet you somewhere that you're asking them to meet you and they do not do it. Fine. fucking fine but I would rather the person go and say I before you cheat then you could I just wish people would be like I had really concerning temptations tonight there was a person at the bar or there was a person at work or whatever the fuck and I had these terrifying temptations and I think we need to go to therapy because I know I voiced this to you but it got real tonight and I want to be real I would never cheat on you but it it is lightly getting to the point where I'm feeling like very unhappy and I and I don't want to be that person I don't want to be that version of myself I fucking wish everyone can handle it that way unfortunately that's not how this fucking goes so what I will say back to your situation is you have to get to a place where you're okay that's all I give a fuck about I don't know your husband but you're daddy gang and I know you if you listen to this podcast I feel like I know the vibe of the women that listen to this podcast and I feel like what you need to do is take care of yourself and obviously there has been a lot of trauma in this relationship having your partner beat cancer being there through the chemo being there through all of this I can only imagine the emotional connection and ties you have to this person and I completely understand trying to work something out I do I wish I could say I was better So my advice is creating a plan where you feel like you will feel better and more resolved.

58:46Because by you writing and asking, did I go too easy? You know your answer. You know that you feel like you went too easy. And that's okay. Because half of the time when we are all like, I feel like whenever I got cheated on, which time? No, when you get cheated on, there's so many like layers, almost like how you talk about there's like the, what is it? Like the X amount of stages of grief. Is there like seven or five? There's certain stages of processing getting cheated on. There's the like, I don't need to go through them all, but we all know how it goes. Have you been cheated on of like being so shocked in the moment and hurt and you're the foundation of your reality has been completely shooken up.

59:24And the person you thought you were with is not the person that you knew. And now you're like, what is my reality? But then you're also like the person that you're closest to and you rely on just hurt you. So then you oddly want to be closer to them in that moment, but you're not supposed to want to be closer to them. There's so many things that happen. So that is my advice to you. I'm so fucking sorry. And I just want to close out by saying I am so sincerely sorry to anyone who has gotten cheated on or is recently getting cheated on because it is a very, very isolating feeling that is so devastating and heartbreaking and your entire world feels like it's collapsing and it's really fucking difficult when you have people around you that love you so much and your friends and your family of understandably are going to tell you fuck him or to leave and I while in moments I do believe that to be true I think we have to understand that like relations are relationships are so complex and relationships there's so much more than that moment that was the cheating it's like this is someone you loved you live with you're married to there's so much and you have to unwind all of that before you can make a decision and so anyone that makes it look easy I can even sit here and like I said earlier being like I would leave Matt you don't fucking know until you're in the moment and all of it's going down and you have to personally and individually decide what works for you.