Heather McMahan: Blow jobs, hall passes, & frat daddies

36:40Yes, I'm obsessed. What are we getting? We're getting a Porsche? We're getting a Jetta. Jetta. An Audi. Audi and free shoes for life. And Orbe. And Uggs. And Uggs. Thank you. But wait, back to the Uggs. Okay, so the Uggs. Can I tell you, I'm having a lot of fun. I'm having a lot of fun with you too. Okay, back to the Uggs. So here's the thing. To be fair, sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that, like my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because like you know how to do it. So thank you. Thank you for showing up today. Okay, tall Uggs. Okay, tall Uggs. I don't like a sweaty calf.

37:10Okay. You know, I would wear them. I went to a Christian school so we had to wear the uniforms and in the winter that was a thing. You wore the tall Ugg. You could wear them with your uniform? Oh yeah, we could wear them. We didn't have to wear like Mary Janes or anything. I'd wear a tall Ugg with my little like Catholic school girl uniform and I just remember huffing it, you know, through the parking lot just like these are fucking hot. Wait, did you have boys at your school? We did. what the fuck Heather I went to an I went to a full co-ed um K through eight I was like in Catholic school and I had to wear the plaid skirt and I used to have to say this to like my boyfriends I'm like I know it sounds hot like I was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy okay now I'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like literally old school shit and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the Mary Jane too and then they changed to saddle shoes at one point which was like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts that wasn't hot the whole uniform we could wear the socks but we in the winter they would allow us to wear the okay and then eventually they got pants because i think i like walked into the principal's office and said i'm fucking freezing okay and i'm a heavy set so if i'm cold imagine what these thin bitches are feeling this is unbelievable we have rights We do have rights Fuck you Fuck you Okay SoulCycle Oh well that's a little triggering You should have warned me That you were going to bring that up On such a large platform I worked at SoulCycle Okay In West Hollywood Around the corner What?

38:38When I moved to LA I needed a part time job Okay And I couldn't get a job At a restaurant Which was really weird Because I had worked At some of the best restaurants In New York I had this crazy You know Michelin star experience And I could not get a job working as a bartender even like a hostess in LA why do you think? because I wasn't a porn star that's why I wore a sensible supportive bra to work I would show up to these like interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like but are your nips hard you know I was like I can make them hard give me 10 seconds I'll be right back yeah I mean I would go and I would think that I was going for like a nice you know like an interview at Spago and they were like actually we have a nightclub and we were wondering if you want to be a promoter I'm like I'm 23 years old I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub.

39:23That's annoying. So I ended up at SoulCycle. And I remember my interview. I was interviewing to be on the front desk. But I said, because I wanted to let them think that, like, I was here for the long haul. Of course. I remember saying, like, obviously I'd start with the front desk. And I understand you have to work your way up. But my goal is to eventually be an instructor. No. And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says, like, you know, star of the fitness community. No. But I actually had a great time. SoulCycle was so fun. I met my best friends, my buddy Raymond.

39:54Shout out to Ray. He's still one of my best friends. We used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be like, you know, gravely hungover. Of course. And I'd be eating like a Chipotle burrito bowl and a Diet Dr. Pepper. And finally my manager said, Heather, this is like a fitness studio. People don't, celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a barbacoa bowl. Get your shit together. No. Yeah. I kind of love that for you You're like You know what though Like this is me And this is who I'm gonna be And I'm only at the front desk So like You can go back there And fucking work out I'm sorry Heather I've gone on one of the bikes before Yeah When I was working This ad sales job They were like Team bonding Let's go across the street And like during lunchtime Go on the fucking Soul cycle bikes It hurt Pussy throbbed Yeah it's not great It's not like a good Horseback riding Where you're like I'm getting a little turned on It's rubbing my clit In the right way Yeah This is like physical pain No this is where Your urethra Is just ripped off Like you have road rash, but it's on your pee hole.

40:49I'm getting like bruises. And then like you go to sleep that night. You can feel like your pelvis area like pulsating, not in a sexual way. But then actually once you do it two or three times, then you're in it. But see, I knew how to work the system there. I would, you know, all these big celebs would come in and I would slip my little business card that I made on like Vistaprint. Okay. I had my head shot on it and I would slide it into their like bags. And I'd be like, if you ever need an assistant, if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road, please ask me. Oh my God. So funny. I did that to Whitney Cummings and I must have given her 10 business cards she never once called me and then we're buds now and I literally was like Whitney I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card I mean this was 10 years ago you're like Whitney I was either down to be your assistant or open for you and I didn't either so fuck you but I also love you fuck you but now I'm a guest on your podcast boom but it was amazing I loved it so we love SoulCycle okay skinny jeans oh again I am pro skinny jean because I do want to flex my best asset but um I mean And God, that for me, you know, you said your crotch hurt during SoulCycle.

41:48I always had a yeast or a UTI from a skinny jean. It just was so tight right in the grundle. It can't be worse than jean shorts, though. Oh, I don't fuck with jean shorts. You don't. No, what are we doing here? No, absolutely not. I'm not fucking with a jean short. I'm pushing 40. I need to be in a jean short. Get out of here. So are you just... What are we doing here? I don't know I also do I of course I wear jean shorts you do I think I do are you lying no I is that the first time you've lied on this podcast it is can I tell you I'm in a tough spot I put on a little weight and I had all these jean shorts that I bought from Zara and I just I tried them on the other day and I was like it's a no go so I'm just very bitter about that no no no and I get it like jean shorts you have to be really like you have to be tan you need to feel good it needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go to like I'm always like oh I can like relax here but jean shorts are like yeah they're kind of I'm a baby doll dress kind of gal and I know those had a moment on tiktok but I've got giant jugs and I like a little I like to just sit right here titties under my neck are they real they're real yeah oh yeah and I'll tell you what I got perfect nips for a large breast I got a really nice breast to areola ratio yeah that's my one you have so much good shit fuck you you're like let me show you my thin little ankle Well, also, perfect fucking nipple.

43:12I literally come in here and been like, I had a great sorority. My husband is fantastic. Life is great. Now, I haven't shit today, and I do have anxiety. But other than that, I'm thriving. No, but I mean, listen. Great hits. I am always, now especially, you know, being in the spotlight, I pick apart myself all the time. No, it's nice to be like, yeah, I fucking like something about myself. And you know what? They're not where they used to be. I definitely would love a lift. But they are, the areola is nice. I'm fucking jealous and I'm already picturing it. Like I'm thinking of it sexually. Your husband is lucky.

43:44Moving on. Super thin eyebrows. Oh, no. Those, they should never come back. Okay, but what's worse? The like giant. Oh, yeah. I mean, mine are looking a little big today. I mean, mine are thick too. I'd rather more than less. Really? Because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean and just say, hey, what are we doing? You know, this comes from love. Where we can peel it back, but you can never. But the amount of growth serum, castor oil, you know, and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind. And they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes. Wait, what?

44:17Oh, yeah. That's a whole thing now. Yeah. Apparently, we've been using all the lash serums. And they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes. Oh, perfect. I mean, you know, maybe I should start rubbing this all over my body. But no, thin eyebrows should never come back. That is a crime against humanity. It should be outlawed. You should have to do hard time. If you're over plucking, you need to get your life right. But then like, it's so unfair because I look at Pamela Anderson and like in my twisted mind, I'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her.

44:47But her. And just let her have it and move on. I really, I suffered. And I think because you said earlier, you didn't have eyebrows. I growing up had, I had the hair. I had nothing to show for the hair because like if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see like what looked like a unibrow and it's like all just peach fuzz. I finally dyed them when I was in high school. and I had never felt better in my life. I was like, oh my God, my five head is gone. I've got the angles. It looks good. But then I just kept building on it. And I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college.

45:22It's bad. They got too much. They were black. Yeah. We definitely over-dyed for a long time. And they were cinder blocks. I always had thick, natural, bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon and they would just hold you down in the back. I never went to an eyebrow specialist. I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back. And I came out one day and the tips were gone. I mean, they ran away with them. And then, you know how long it takes to grow that shit back? Oh, you're fucked. You're fucked. So my entire college career, I had my deep side part. I'm in a pair of gaucho pants.

45:52I'm in a halter top. My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out. I put on 45 pounds and I got no brows and I didn't blend a smoky eye. I mean, I've really come a long way. Picturing you smoking a fucking cig. With a cig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge. Gauchos. Gauchos. Yeah. Oh, that was my time. God, they were good. Gauchos were great. And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody, I'm kind of in a gaucho now. You didn't even have to take them off. They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know? And that was, that was fun. The width was impeccable. I think we should maybe bring gauchos back.

46:28I think we should. I know people are trying to do the barrel gene and I'm not into that. You know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel jean. You can't even get half a fist up there. I don't think. Also, who wants to finger somebody in a barrel jean? If I see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel jean, I'm like, I'm not attracted. No, it's not. It's not the look. Gals, that's what we need to. The barrel jeans are out. But don't you think that is where that's a definition of women dressing for women where they like the girls would think these are cute. I don't know. Well, as a full woman, just, you know, right now here in the bush, I say no.

47:04Don't fucking do it. Let's get rid of it. When you think out shows back, buy to the barrel. Yeah. Okay, this is controversial because I'm staring at your ankle. I'm so worried. This goes against everything that we've talked about today about this one body part that's really a highlight for you. Ankle socks, I don't know if you realize, they're currently out. What do you have? Oh, but what do you have? these are is that not an ankle no ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle okay but i have a no show i thought that was a no show you have no socks i was like get out you stink i got a wide fucking foot if you think i'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here i'm not trying to bake a casserole okay again nike i'd like a wide um okay wait so i thought that was a crew sock so this is whatever the fuck you want to call it but this is not an ankle sock this is that like hailey bieber yeah like princess diana yeah trendy and i did not know that i was i feel i feel attacked no the problem is this would cover your one of your best assets yeah um but i will say i i my husband one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now he likes the bike short the oversized sweatshirt and i'll do the the you know the scrunch socks you will i will scrunch the sock because your outfit right now you wouldn't technically look at you i know now i'm like i don't i don't know what to do i like can i get like can i sit like i don't know what to do okay you look it's getting hot in here i'm so sorry i started this fucking podcast saying to you i was breathing and now it's fucking hot can someone turn on the air okay let's talk about obviously you mentioned your family went through a hard time you lost your dad and so that kind of like thanks for bringing that i'm your father sweetie yes dad r.i.p.

48:51we love you Kyle yeah we love you Kyle um you moved in with your mom yes and you moved in with Jeff with your mom and at this point you weren't married right you're engaged so okay backtrack when my dad died I was living in LA I picked up my shit I moved home okay and then I moved at some point up to New York but then when the pandemic hit Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta and I'm living in my childhood home so Jeff and I are we and we haven't moved doubt like like we're we're still three's company why uh great question because I talked to my financial advisor the other day and he's like Heather you're living pretty cheaply you could you could move on I don't know why I think um I mean listen I adore my mom she's my buddy I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like it just gives me like chills down my spine yeah I don't know it's not normal um my husband loves it because he gets treated like a king you know I'm the one who can I'm the one who gets yelled at we I was gonna say walk me through this so it's you your husband your mom uh-huh and it's like a normal day are you guys able to like slightly like what's the room setup like where is where like um so you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom I am not we just blew out a couple closets so we built like another primary my mom is still in the main bedroom oh yeah I'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand you know it's funny somebody asked me the other day they're like what's the wildest like place you've ever had sex I'm like where I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall who sometimes will chime in and be like Jeff I can tell from that sound she doesn't like it no no no had you ever had sex in your childhood room or like even gotten fingered or felt up or you weren't allowed to go in there oh no I was allowed to have boys in there but I also you know I don't think a lot of guys called.

50:41Ever. No, I'm cute. Come on. No, it is funny being back in my childhood home. But, you know, my husband, my mom adores him. And he just gets treated like a king. Where it is funny being back at my house because my mom, even though, like, I'm running the roost and, like, make money and pay for everything, she'll throw shit in a basket. Okay. I don't know if your parents did this growing up. Like, my mom, I'll walk in the door from being on tour. Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry. It's all in your basket. I opened all your mail. Your taxes are due tomorrow. You know you've got some money in your bank account.

51:12And I'm like, quit going through my shit. It doesn't matter that I'm an adult. She still treats me like I'm 13 years old. I kind of love it, though. Yeah. It's kind of cozy. It is so cozy. I mean, it's insane. But my mom is, you know, my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life. And my mom was 11 years older than my late dad. Oh. Original cougar. Oh. Yeah. So my mom, it's been wild trying to watch her date now. and she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times. It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York. Of course. He's, you know, somewhere in another country and he's trying to steal all her social security number.

51:46So really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox. She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side and I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds. Oh my God. Yeah, it's bad. Oh my fucking God. And my mom's great. And she's kind of at this point, she's 76, doesn't look a day over 40. My mom's hot. Perky titties, like tiny. She's spunky. She travels. And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time. I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who, my mom doesn't want to get married again.

52:18She just wants to travel. She wants to feel something with a guy. She wants to feel something. Yeah. And she's like, Heather, I'm not dead yet. I'd still like to be intimate. I said, you get up on that horse and ride, girl. That's so incredible. And I actually agree. Like the thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying. So I think you're like a lovely human being for do that. But like, are you guys caring at all? So you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's going to hear you. No, but I do. I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a Four Seasons.

52:47And we kind of feel bad. Like the parents got away. And it is funny. We do call my mom the toddler because when we like go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat and she watches her iPad and she's giggling to her YouTubes. And Jeff gets along with her. Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient, but Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north, so they kind of like had their own banter. And I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an iced tea going, I do declare. Why are y 'all yelling in this house? I'm obsessed with it. I also just think like the fact is as a comedian, like it's a really good dynamic.

53:19It works. It's working. It's working. That's, I'm like, I'm not mad about it. Now, I would like a little bit more money because if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need I would like a big chateau with like a guest house so I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin yep barking down my throat um but you know we're putting that on the vision board something something that you talk about in your stand-up special that had me cackling well two things we have to talk about two things one is blowjobs because love them and hate them sweetie sweetie sweetie the way that you described heading downtown to the wiener yeah and seeing the wiener hole and approaching it there is a goofy ass hole down there yeah the wiener hole but it works if you like swirl your tongue in there a little oh yeah oh it's a little if you don't get in that little hole then they're not getting in yours and we all know this give a little surprise but i never try and go over the other hole you know what i mean i'm like that is you do you i'm you know i when you're married at least you know when your spouse has diarrhea it's every 30 minutes just like your sweet dog so it's like when people like oh you know you they eat and butt i'm like no jeff had you know jalapeno poppers at tgi fridays on a golf outing and he's been bitching about it all day no i don't want to lick his butthole i'm so sorry No, it's fucked when you do.

54:42Like, I have never, like, been opposed. And I know that's, like, bad of me to say. But, like, I'm in the blowjob. And it's the accessory to a blowjob moment. Yeah. But you know in between that little gooch. I mean, I'll tickle the gooch. I'm in the gooch. I'm hitting the taint. I slap it around a little bit. I take the dick and just hit me on both sides. Like, I'm doing a little, you know, get ready with me. I mean, I'm doing the layers of blush. Patrick Ta, the whole works. But I'll tell you right now. I'm not getting, I'm not going for the bath. What I love about you. Unless he is rinsed out in the yard.

55:16No, that's what's crazy is if like I've had guys before be like, go down there, go down there. And I'm just like rubbing it because I'm like, I can smell it through the tunnel. It's wafting. It's wafting towards my nostrils. And I'm uninterested in the fecal matter. I got a long nail. You just tickle. You take the skin. You roll it around a little bit. Because it's also not lost on me. If I go down there and then I go to the wiener and then he puts it in, your shit is in my fucking v and i'm heading to the hospital thank you that's happened before to me that and you know what we're trying not to do have a repeat yeah okay so yeah we get back to blowjobs what i what i do appreciate you doing and i could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying this oh stadium oh it was a theater but yes i am also playing stadium she's in a stadium it was a stadium it was a fucking stadium is you talking to men and just being like you say it better but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick the last thing i have ever thought about while i have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth i am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app i am thinking about you know the rogue raccoon i possibly may have run over in the audi q5 hybrid are you deep in the door next door app it's insane do i need to get on that no no you don't have time i mean you're like i'm I'm running an empire, but you're running like a shempire, okay?

56:37No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood. And when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary like two weeks ago. If you give a pack of women, and I do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves. If you give a pack of women in a suburban community two clues, they have already found the perpetrator. They found who's linked to. We have taken down a full cartel. So I just want to say, fuck the FBI. white suburban women and we are off to the races not karens we are more sharons you know i am like not kidding you i've heard people talk about this and i think i even if i'm just on the periphery and want to read about like read in on my community i'd kind of like to get in there because i like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me unless i guess they're saying that there's like a murderer in our neighborhood it's so refreshing if you're like i can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then fantastic but yes if there's a if There's a murderer in my bushes.

57:32Please let me know. Have you ever had a stalker? You know what? No. Like, not yet, bitch. Challenge accepted. No. I've had one person that has lightly kicked it up a notch. Oh, kicked it up a notch. That's the way to put it. It could be equivalent to, like, getting a little stalkery. But I've done a pretty good job at really, like, putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently, and Matt's handling it. I like that. Jeff, my husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar. So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the shows and he's in the corner just being like, oh, did you want to get a photo?

58:10And I'm like, Jeff, she's fucking nuts. I told you about her. Stop. That's Carol Ann. Run away. Yeah, he loves it. Do you have a stalker? No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once. Oh. Yeah, but it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple of Chick-fil-A party platters. So they were just raw dogging some nuggets. Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude because I like to like really dress up for my shows. So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage and then I rip off my suit. So I was just taking off my glitter suit and I'm about to put on my jeans and a woman's in the doorway.

58:40And she's like, I found you. So one thing you say to somebody you don't say to somebody, I found you. And then she followed with, don't worry, I'm not going to touch you. No, I was like, that's worse. I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day. you know what I mean let's get to the point so what do you want so what did you do did you scream so I said can I I literally was like can I just put on some clothes and I put on my clothes I was like what's up girl and she's like man I just told I said how did you get back here she said I just told the security guard you know like my name's Lane I was like what no no that's what's so funny about those moments it's like when they tell the security guards like oh we're friends we're friends sometimes they're like oh go in go in I'm not worried about a mail stalker I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego but I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a TJ Maxx by a white gal named Michelle or Tanya.

59:33That's going to happen. That's who's taking you down. I think that's who's taking you. You didn't read my DM. I'm like, I'm so sorry I didn't see it. I didn't know. I didn't know. I think a light stalker is always good because it keeps you like, oh, we're doing something right. We're kind of a big deal. We're actually doing things. We're a really big deal. Back to the blowjobs. Yes, absolutely. Great transition. I actually think I'm done with the blowjobs. The point is, ladies, you don't have to feel bad. And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head.

1:00:05And it's okay if you're multitasking, and that's fine. And what was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny? Oh, my God. You believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have ADHD? It's so true. I think so. Here's the thing. Men are really good at getting dialed into one thing. My husband is incredibly successful, but he's successful at one thing at a time. Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my Uber Eats order in my head. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing. And I'm multitasking all the time.

1:00:38I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you. But I've realized it's actually, I feel like, all women's superpowers. Yeah, it gets shit done. We get shit done. But yes, I do not think about anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband. And I tell women the best thing. When people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband. And then the husbands have the best fucking time. It shows for everybody. But my job is I like to. I know it's so fucking annoying. I drug my husband here. I'm like, you didn't have to put a gun to his head. I thought you at first just said.

1:01:09I blow them backstage. If you come to my show, I will put your dick in my mouth. I thought you were saying. The people were saying they drugged their husband. Sorry, I probably said that with a little country twine. like they drugged them husbands to my show. I'm like, all these men are fucked up. So what they did is the husbands were out working in the yard and then the women gave them a little date, you know, a little pill in a Coors Light and next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show. Could you imagine? No, I... If all of a sudden you just came to and you're like in a room and there's a glitter, you know, a full-figured blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like, this is what happens when there's a dick in your mouth.

1:01:49That would be like the worst trip of your life. I'm happy that I clarified Heather because I'm not fucking kidding. You multiple comments would have been, damn, like, why didn't you talk about how, like, she drugs her? No, no, no. I'm so sorry. I meant when you drag, like, you force them to come. Drag, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the guys are like, fuck, I never saw it that way. And they have a great time. But, yes, I don't think guys realize we're always, the mind's always swirling. We're always on the move. We're always on the move. We need to talk about the hall pass situation.

1:02:31We need to talk about the hall pass situation. Okay, great. Yes. I'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit. But this hall pass situation, you almost can't help but be like, did this actually fucking happen? This is insane, Heather. This is insane. Walk us through. Also, legally, I don't know what I'm allowed to say, but no. My husband's hall pass is the incredible, gorgeous model, Kate Upton. Love. And we were down in the Dirk's of Caicos, and she had DM'd, because we had mutual friends, hey, saw you're down here, would you like to come over for a cocktail?

1:03:07What a nice DM. What a nice DM. And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift, and I leaned over, and I was just like, hey, let's go have some cocktails. I told him that my sorority sister was down there. It's so good. And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour. The door answers and it's Kate's husband, Justin Berlander. And Jeff immediately, because, you know, my husband's the biggest sports fanatic. He had a full boner, full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like, you know, how's my job? Holy fuck. And I just kind of turned around. I remember I'll have it in slow motion.

1:03:39I just kind of gave him that like, like, fuck you, Jeff. Look. And do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point? Or did he just think this is a random coincidence? No, he immediately, like he immediately, as soon as he locked eyes with Justin, And he was like, let's fucking go. You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass. Well, also, Justin Verlander is an incredible athlete, makes a jillion dollars, and is like a model himself. So I wasn't worried about it. If Jeff ever made anything weird, this guy is, you know, an all-star athlete. I feel like he could have body-checked Jeff.

1:04:11No, you're right. And by the end of the time, you're probably like, if he's going to go with her, I at least could go with this. And it's not a bad option. You know what I told Jeff? later on he was like I can't believe you made that happen I said well of course and we never told Kate she didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special I was gonna say did you run it by her no I well I was just like hey I just want you to know like and Kate is the coolest chick in the world I want you to know she was so great and and of course I did not tell her at that dinner like we're sitting at this table with all their friends and and I'm kicking Jeff I'm like Jeff you've been staring too long like he's in the corner just kind of frothing at the mouth and one of their friends had mentioned they're like yeah it's so weird you know like Kate is it's just the coolest chick she's so awesome but like guys get really weird around her you're like i was like smile eat a shrimp cocktail getting weird but no they were awesome but i do think that i have really um you know exposed jeff to these cool opportunities he's gotten to meet all the sports heroes and what have i gotten let me tell you all i wanted all i wanted were two tickets i wanted an heirs tour ticket okay i wanted a beyonce ticket did you go i went on because i made it happen Duh.

1:05:16We were in, actually this is a great story. We were in, I was in Australia. Okay. And I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. Love. You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub. It's like illegal. Okay. But I was like, Jeff, figure it out. Call my agent, figure it out. Surprise me. I want to go. It's my last night in Sydney. I've been in Australia for a month, Tori. Okay. Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight. I'm like, this is it. He got tickets. I'm going to the Ares tour. I've got the friendship bracelets ready.

1:05:44Let's go. And next thing you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Okay. So it's five o 'clock. I'm like getting ready. He's like, oh, no, no, just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise. He probably has like an outfit for me. Like this guy thought of everything. He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the Air Store. Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights. If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself. I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left?

1:06:14Right. You know? It's just a little bit like, what if? What if? Right. You can't help. So I am on the top of the bridge in this full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side. And they put me at the back of the group. I can't even talk because I'm having flashbacks of how dramatic that was. They put me in the back of the group. I'm clinging onto the side of the bridge. And the guy comes up. He's like, are you good? And I was like, I was supposed to be at the heiress tour. and I'm freezing on top of this bridge and we got off the bridge we take a photo the photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit they're like smile and I'm like doing a peace sign like just like I hate my husband oh I had stroked out at that point I was completely like there was no mind body connection I cried when we got off the bridge and I'm not a I'm I'm a tough cookie yep and Jeff went to give me a hug he's like wasn't that the best and I was like I don't no this is gonna work out like get away from me you piece of fucking yeah shit men that can be so fucking dumb like so dumb like you knew i wanted this and because we're not going like figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me and also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be taylor but i got something else for you to make it as big like as great as i could and to make up for it his defense was it was our last night in sydney of course we'd never get to do this again and the best part was when you go to do the climb on the sydney bridge they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos while you're doing the safety briefing they play the photos of all the celebrities there's a couple like d-list celebrities and i was like they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this

1:07:55so not only did i ship myself on top of this bridge they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney Bridge. They don't know that the number one comedian of all time, Heather McMahon, was on the bridge. Heather. Yeah, against my will. But it was a great memory. So have you ever gone and seen the Arrows tour? I did. I saw it a couple weeks ago in London. How good? And let me tell you what, it was awesome. I'm a theater nerd. I wanted to see the production. Yeah. And it was just fucking awesome. Good for Taylor. It is so incredible. Like, I went once and I'm gonna go again.

1:08:28And I just fucking love her. I love her too. And I didn't really, I think I kind of missed literally the era of Taylor for the breakup moments growing up. I was just like two years older than that. So while the girlies were crying to, you know. Me. Yeah, when the girlies were crying to all these songs, I was in my dorm room listening to 3-6 Mafia. That was what, you know, I was doing drive-bys in the Jetta past the ATO house just being like, Nook, if you buck. Nook, if you buck, you know. like that's and I was like it's a love story baby just say yes yeah yeah that was not I was I was in revenge mode that's why reputation's my favorite album oh it is that's why we're snakeskin you know yeah I'm a reputation girl I'm literally like a folklore girl really but that's great I mean I have a softer side but I I love that when she's in the full snake skin and the one leg's out.

1:09:22Oof, I love it. When are you going on your cruise? That's in April. I'm doing a cruise. And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx. It also might happen on the Lido day. I was going to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time. I will. And I might not come back because I'll get arrested in the Bahamas. I don't know what's going to happen, but we are doing a cruise and it's like 2 ,000 fans on the cruise and it's other comedians and it's just going to be four days at sea of us just letting it rip. And so will you just like... Roam around in a muumuu?

1:09:53Yes, absolutely. With a pina colada and a rum runner in my other hand? Absolutely. And are you going to just like next to you could, like staying next to you could be like one of your fans. And like you could be knocking on the wall and they like, oh, you're just like one with the people. I'm one with the people. But also, you know, when you do comedy too, like I have meet and greets after my shows and I know everybody. Like, you know, I'm one with the people. I mean, you did have to, you know, the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do. So I'm hoping that people who are making a financial investment are also like maybe a little touch less crazy.

1:10:21But actually the richest ones you know are the ones that are crazy. They'll bring you the gifts to the show. And it's like, you're like, I bought you a Birkin bag. And I put an air tag in it so I know where you are at all times. And you're like, I don't. The Birkin bag for me is a little too cumbersome. Okay. I think it's a bad investment. I said it. I'm going to get absolutely burned at the stakes for saying that. I agree. It's heavy. It's just big. It's also like. It's clunky. It's not that cute. Not that cute. And you can't, like, you can't put it over your shoulders. So if you're trying to, like, look thin in a photo, you know what I mean?

1:10:52You're like, it's like, it just squeezes the arm. It's not a good look. It's cumbersome. It's cumbersome. But yeah, we're doing a cruise. It's going to be insane. Comedy at night. My mom's going to be there. My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino. Taking pictures with the fans. Yeah, my sister's a criminal defense attorney, so I'm keeping her on land because I might have to, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. And she's going to be at the port in Miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat. So she's going to get a couple new clients.

1:11:16I am obsessed. Will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there? We're going to. We really should make a full documentary about it. It's an ex-Fried Festival. Yeah, it's fire fets and it turns like super dark. And then at the end, it's just all of us with like the norovirus just like, and that was a day that the ship never came back. I would. No, it will never happen. But I honestly. But then I'd have it like an in memoriam at the Emmys. and I have you know I haven't been nominated yet but at least I'd be there at least I'd be there glass half full baby I am so excited for you okay can we talk about the special now wrapping up yeah I mean we've been talking about the special the whole time but I do want to know like I was talking to Hannah Berner about this the other my girl I just am so it's so incredible to watch yeah people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny like get what they deserve and I'm so happy for you.

1:12:06How did this even come to be? Well, so I, um, I produced my own special and I did the first one. I did the same thing. So I, I didn't in this business, you cannot wait around for people. I mean, listen, you're a self-starter. You just, if you build it, they will come. So I, uh, just shot it. I shot at the Fox theater in Atlanta, which is like my home theater. I mean, talk about like a real full circle moment for me. Um, and, and then I, you know, then you take it out to market and you sell it so it is so cool the one thing the one thing i really love about stand-up is nobody can tell me no you know it is in this business you get in tv developmental deals they take forever you know you got to get a thousand attorneys involved all this shit but for stand-up i can just pop into a place get on stage say my piece do the damn thing and as long as there are asses and seats listen there could be one person in the fucking audience I'm like, we're going to have a good time.

1:12:56But like that is it is the the greatest love of my life other than my family is getting to do stand up. And it just brings me so much joy. It's so incredible. It's going to be on Hulu, right? Yeah. What is the exact date it comes out? That's a great question. I don't know, but we will post on Instagram. It's coming out very soon. I know it's going to be insane. I was going to say the date. Can I just tell you right now I do think it should win a Peabody I should at least get nominated for the Emmys Hi, my name's Heather McMahon My comedy special breadwinner is coming out on Hulu And when I tell you I'm a bad bitch I'm wearing a denim outfit That's bedazzled And it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces Of art and comedy ever seen It should be nominated for awards Or at least give me a Mark Twain comedy award Thank you so much, God bless Live, laugh, love tune in on bleep it's very soon I'll fucking put it in the description I've never been great with details okay I'm so excited for you oh my god that was like a we're like bleep hello okay we're back wrapping up we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content this has been really fun has it?

1:14:06can I tell you I really enjoy you I'm not blowing smoke up your ass this has been fun I'm so proud of you I know we just met but it is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it I know just doing it period period and you should be so part of yourself thank you I feel the same way about you that's why it's so fun to do what we do because I feel like we get to like see each other on social media yeah it's always funny to be like what is this bitch gonna be like like I'm sure you thought that when you're coming here like what is Alex Hoover gonna be like and I I am so happy you're so fucking normal and like you're humble and you're amazing and your tits are fucking amazing thank you I really appreciate it and I just want y 'all to know that you know be the you today that you want to be tomorrow Heather I love you thank you for coming on call I love you thank you for having me.