Heather McMahan: Golf Wives, Hall Passes & Frat Daddies (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with Call her daddy. Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Our Daddy. Hi, honey. How are you? I am obsessed with you. Just for context to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris. Yes. You popped onto my live show. I had the best time with you. It was so much fun, and it was like 6 a.m. at home, and your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick? And I'm like, yeah, sure. Let me just go down to my office and get my wigs. Yeah, it was fun. You pulled out all the stops, but I'm more, Heather, like how the fuck have we never met before?

0:37I know. I feel like this is now a kismet moment right we've been circling in this well we've been like on the you know we've been circling around on the outskirts we were circling the drain and now we're just fully going to the gutter you're close with Jackie Schimmel yes Jackie's like my best friend and every time I feel like she's ever I've ever heard her talk about you she's like she's the funniest person I've ever met and I'm like well at first I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met and love you Jackie you're funnier you're funnier um I watched your stand-up which we're gonna get to yeah it's fucking amazing you're so sweet no like I was doing my makeup this morning watching it laughing like hysterically I like that it's fucking brilliant you like that's the response I love when people like hey I think I got a UTI after watching your special I'm like I fucking did my job it's how I felt also I just want to let you know that I'm on like too many cups of coffee right now because yeah last night I didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea oh I've been there honey I have two French Bulldogs it is a dry heat it is a every morning I wake up and I bought like expensive sheets that's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself there is my thread count is so fucked there is a Frenchie barf every single night in the middle of the night well I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea um honestly at this point it's all starting to look and smell the same so it's not great either way it comes out no heather i literally was like so i'm watching tv last night my husband falls asleep early it's like 11 30 i'm watching like the perfect couple with nicole kidman which is it's a thing i've got feelings yeah i have feelings too um but you know there's nothing to watch so i'm like trying to enjoy myself matt's like i can't watch this trash i'm like shut the fuck up then go to bed right i hear the little noise and i'm like you hear from the stomach like the gurgle that wet gurgle that's the word it's more of a little bit of like like some farts yeah yeah some bubbles like oh my god why am i being demure being like did your dog fart like it was more of like a splatter oh like a like a big splatter people hate when i talk about shit on this show but i don't give a shit okay shit if you're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself at a costco in the last six months then you actually need to see a doctor get your life right right like fuck off okay so he's splattering yeah and i wake my husband up and I'm like Matt Bruce just shit all over the carpet right and Matt is like okay you want me to do go clean it up now I have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house Matt is the best and I want to talk about Jeff your husband today we'll get into that yeah let's talk about Jeff yeah yeah we're gonna talk about our husbands because I look at Matt like mortified Matt never makes me really do much around the house he's kind of like the house man you know Ellen we're the breadwinners yes well Matt's also doing fine but whatever yeah so he won't get up and I am on my hands and knees and I am doing the Clorox I'm doing it all an hour later he shits again and two hours later he shits again so I you are seeing a woman who is broken today I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep and golden doodle doodoo so I'm here for support I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last two days just there's so much shit going on and this is what I've been looking forward to most it's just like I wear 65 different hats and literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice you know porcini risotto and I literally was like kind of like you know geeking out a little bit.

4:02Do you get anxious? I was short circuiting I thought I had a stroke at dinner and I was like is it the Aperol Spritz? Do I need a beta blocker? Do I need a Loretab? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. I just took a Benadryl and I just let it fly. Do you get anxiety a lot? I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good, which is weird. Wait, what? I think it's a pressure thing. I think you just, like, and I travel so much. I think I don't know, like, what time zone I'm in ever. Yeah, it was like when life was tough, I was just cruising. Right. When life got, like, things started to, you know, start flowing, I think that's when I started to get anxious.

4:37Why? Because you think it's like there's more to lose? Like, when you're on the up and up, you're like, I have nothing. I am worth nothing. I'm a loser. When I was rock bottom, I was like, fuck it. Pussy pop it. Let's ride. And now I'm just like, oh, people are relying on me. There are comments on the internet. I don't know. We're good. This is a safe space. The daddy gang is going to fucking love you. And you're funny as fuck. And so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had sit in this chair. So just do your fucking thing. Also, I know everyone calls you daddy and father, but my dad is dead.

5:03Can I just call you dad? Because I'm looking for a father figure in my life. Call me dad. I'm here for you. I've had a lot of girls reach out being like, I had a dead beat dad. Like you're my dad. You're my father figure. Whatever way I can fit in fatherly to your life. I'm here for you, Heather. I'm so sorry about your dad. But it happens. But I'm here. Okay, great.

5:42Okay, we need to talk about golf because it consumes my life, Heather. And I know a huge part of your standup is you talking about your fucking husband golfing. And the fucking golf. It is like every woman understands it. The golf widow thing is so fucking real. Talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey. Have you seen him lately? Has he been on the golf course often? Like what's happening? I was, you know, getting full glam this morning, running around, taking calls, answering emails. and my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo. My husband's playing some prestigious chorus in the middle of nowhere, like rock, you know, upstate New York.

6:18And it's just like, look at, you know, look at Big Daddy's swing. And I respond, I'm fucking working. Go home. Take care of our Frenchie children. Get the fuck out of here. You're like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. If he's, you know, letting it rip, I need, oh, you're stuck in a sand trap? Not my problem. It's so crazy. Matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club, even that word, it does make me kind of like clench my butthole a little bit. He's our country club. And I say your country club. He's like, it's ours, Alex. Like, you're my wife now. Like, you're a member.

6:50I'm like, I'm never going. I don't know. Maybe I will. Like, but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction. Oh, just the core seat. Oh, and so he's trying to get it, get it in, get it in. Let's go. We got to go play. I'm like, oh my God, you're never home. I have one stipulation. So we at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club girlie. I don't think people give country clubs. Yes, there are archaic practices there, but I love going to my country club. It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents were members of. I hang out with a pack of like 75-year-old women.

7:17They play bridge, we drink white wine, and nobody gives me shit. You know what I mean? But I did say there is a stipulation like in our prenup because I am actually the actual member of the country club because I was a legacy. So my thing is if like we ever divorce, like I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping Jeff's plaque off of his locker, you must not know me. Oh my God, you're going to be married forever. Even if you hate him, he's never leaving you. And I do have a great husband, so shout out to Jeff. We won't shit on you this whole episode.

7:47But I do, when I'm there, he got mad one day because they didn't know, like under our membership, you know, they always refer to him as Mr. McMahon. And he got upset one day. He was like, you know, it's just, like, they don't know. I said, then Jeff, correct them. Let them know that you were Mr. Daniels because I didn't take my husband's last name. I'm in entertainment. I didn't want to do it. It's fine. Our kids will be Daniels. Live your life. And I was like, imagine what every woman feels like. You know what I mean? If I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels, I go, gladly.

8:13Right. Like, don't let that, like, bruise your ego. Right. Fucking pump the brakes, buddy. You got a tea time to make. It is so fucking true. They get, like, I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear, like, hi, Mr. Cooper. And he's like, and I'm like, it's okay, Matt. Stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up. Like, I have, and I will continue to have to do for the X amount of years that people will say like hi mrs caplan and i'm mrs cooper and i'm like i don't care i don't care because it's not emasculating me my vagina's set and fine like i'm good let's talk about the golf aesthetic oh yeah let's talk about it um the golf outfits look pretty bad for women yeah it's it's pretty farty it's it's rough it's a like a pleated chino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is it's it's absolutely awful i'm trying to fix it so give me a little time no it's but i'm fix it how do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit like are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like okay so the way I feel about it is you know I say this in the special but like any man who wears a visor that's an immediate my vagina just shrivels up because here's the thing first of all it looks like you can't afford the whole hat you know what I mean I don't know what these men in visors and then my husband will drive home from like the golf course you know sunroof is open he's had a good match he's singing you know natasha bedding feel feel the rain on my skin and his like hair is like flipped over the visor so he comes in sweaties and a peter millar shirt grass on his she knows and i just go i'm not trying to have sex with you right now why do they come back horny after golf no because they feel empowered because they went out and won five dollars on the golf course and they're like let's fucking do it so i was thinking about that in your special because i'm like okay they come home and matt does the same thing like Matt is successful like he does great business he will come home be like I won 50 bucks and I'm literally like he's like you're ready to blow me like no take a shower you smell like the outdoors get out of here but they're so excited about like that five dollars or that ten dollars conquered something it's work is one thing but when you're out there when you're in a foursome with guys and they're you know it's all shit talking and they're like oh here goes Jeff he's got a 40 foot putt and he makes it there is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt it's infuriating it is infuriating and I try and think about like like what makes me that horny and um I think I'm really stepping up my golf game because I played growing up and now I'm like I really do I want to play because it's a great sport but I also just want to steal the joy of the you know the one thing that gives Jeff joy and he's like I love when you play with me and we have a great time we go out and it's like I mean I you know I drink wine and you know rip some old cigs and just have a blast in the outdoors but I am trying to get better to beat him because I do I need that for my ego right you're like sneaky on the competitive you're like oh I guess I'll play too Jeff meanwhile you're like getting sessions in the back you're getting full like coaching sessions I have three coaches right now I have so I have a gal on the LPGA shout out to Maria Fossey who I send videos to and she literally is like we got to tighten up the swing oh yeah I'm getting good but Jeff doesn't even know so one day you're gonna come He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar.

11:17Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode. No, Jeff's the best. He puts up with my shit. Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down, shut the fuck up. You're being crazy. And I'm like, yes, sir. Yes. Yes, daddy. Yes, papa. Yes. I was going to say, give me some like, talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff because then we're going to keep roasting them. Yeah, then we'll get right back to the roast. No, Jeff is honestly like, you know, it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies like Jeff is my buddy I mean yeah we fuck hard but like he is my buddy I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him like of course I love hanging out with my friends but like we fucking giggle together and I think that's no it's what you need it's what you need because you're stuck with this person no and it's so true like I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like he's my best friend like No, he is.

12:10Like, Matt is my best friend. If they're not your friend, what are you doing? Right, right. Just don't, like, say it like that. Like, girls being like, he's my best friend, and we bought our forever home together. I don't just. We have matching butterfly tattoos. Like, I've got one wing, he is the other. Like, okay, then you're, it's absolutely headed for a divorce. Tone it down. Also, Jeff is, you know, I mean, listen, I'm a comic. I get up on stage. I rip him a new asshole. I talk about, you know, personal, intimate things in our life, and he lets me do it. And not that he gives me permission, but I said early on, I was like, you know, I need you to be cool with me talking my truth.

12:42And from my point of view, my perspective. And he's like, honey, I never he is so proud of me when I'm on stage and seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment. There is no ego in him. He is never threatened. He is like, go, let it rip. Do your fucking thing. And that's what makes me horny. So he's horny on the golf course. I come off stage and he's like waiting in the wings. He's like, you fucking crushed. I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face. I'm getting kind of horny right now. I know. We went from anxiety. I'm a little horny. I mean, I don't know. This is a wave of emotions here. No, it is.

13:14When you start talking about sex on this show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiance or whoever the fuck. So enjoy. You're welcome, Jeff. You're so successful as a comedian. Have you always been funny? Like, talk to me, you as a child. Like, what was going on? Is Heather funny? Yeah. Well, you know, I was a fudgy kid. And I was the kid who, like, always had, like, a quarter pound of fudge in their in their uh uh backpack so yeah I think I had to be be funny but no I I always you know I was always in theater and I always knew I wanted to do comedy I mean since I was like six I was like I'm gonna be I'm gonna tell jokes and um I the first time I did stand-up was at my junior prom and I roasted the senior class and that was like one of those pivotal moments I was always doing theater and I was like you know think about how awkward high school is most awkward time of your life right I must be a sociopath if I was like I want to go up there and roast the seniors and do stand-up like that could have been social suicide we need to pause because hold on you did stand-up at your prom uh-huh pause are you at the prom like also with the date yes I am with a senior who invited me so you're in a gown I'm in a gown and no one knew so yeah so I I pop up literally like from under a table with a microphone i'm like are y 'all ready to rock we have the video of it and it's just it's insane is i have never heard of this like at a prom there's like a band no i was the surprise entertainment yeah yeah it was insane and so i get up and i do like 20 minutes and i remember walking off stage and thinking oh fuck i have to do this forever so then i just i kind of never stopped because you just knew I knew yeah but like you were you confident like you didn't give a fuck what people were going to think about you at school I honestly know and I listen I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade so I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore um but no I think that like listen as a comic if you don't feel like a touch cringy when you're trying out new shit then you're not doing it right right but no I just there was nothing there was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh.

15:25Love. And I'll tell you, another, we're really gonna boost Jeff now, but when I, I was living in New York when I met Jeff. We've been together a long time, and I looked at him one day and I said, listen, I gotta go to LA. I gotta follow this. I gotta scratch that itch. And he, we were sitting in like a Bucca DiBeppo or some shit. And he's like, I love you so much. And he's like, follow your dreams. And in that moment, I was like, oh fuck, I'm gonna marry this guy. Yeah, we were long distance for like eight years. yeah what I know it's it's I have girls call me all the time like Heather I'm long distance it's been like three months with my boyfriend I'm like if you're not thriving in your own zone and if that person can't handle y 'all doing your own thing then you don't need to be together okay long distance where you he stayed in New York and you went to LA yes and well I was only in LA for like four or five years but then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate program in New York we were just back and forth I mean we we just made it work Never in a breakup, never a pause.

16:18It was just always me and Jeff Daddy. Okay, because I'm going to be real. You and Jeff Daddy are to find the odds because I have been the little cunt in my podcast. Sometimes I've been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it. I used to say that also in college mostly because I'm like, enjoy your college. It's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're probably cheating on you. Let's be honest. If you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend, you're getting cheated on. Yeah, leave it. Also just say, hey, we're going to break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here.

16:49Done. What are we doing? Done. Yeah. I think that was really my vision was like, it's just too hard in college. However, when you are adult and you can make it long distance work, it's amazing. But that takes very secure people to have trust and to be okay with that long distance. But like, good for you guys. He used to come to all my comedy shows and this is like when I was in New York and I, you know, performing for 10 people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and he'd be in his little suits from his real estate job and he'd sit on the front row and people thought he was my manager.

17:15so we were like wow your manager is like really dialed into your career and i'm like oh no no i blow that guy stop stop honestly that was probably kind of hot you're like so hot you're like looking at him like he's your business manager you're like oh we're not supposed to but we should let's go fuck in my car 100 i love that for you guys yeah and the jetta i only sold the jetta about three years ago kind of wish i would have kept it wait the jetta was the first car i ever wanted and then i just could never get a first car until like i started making my own money my parents were like we're never getting you a car so get a job and I was like oh okay um but I always wanted a Jetta Jetta shout out to Volkswagen they're a great company sponsor us I would love a new Jetta I'm really when I sold that car I was actually sad about it it's a cute car and I got a sensible I didn't go G-Wagon I went you know hybrid Audi Q5 shout out to Audi sponsorship I think I want the Cayenne because that was the it's the best car my dad had and I really want it I was like that's when I know I think I might buy it no that was like I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you when I went to a private prep school that like I really couldn't afford I got like a soccer scholarship for high school and I didn't have a car and so I'm taking the bus every day and these bitches are rolling in with like Maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich yeah and I remember there's this one bitch that had this cool Porsche it was the Cayenne and she had it like it was a white one with like black wheels and I was like whenever I get my first paycheck that's me not working at my smoothie shop job like I'm getting the fucking Porsche and the first thing that I bought for myself for a car was the Porsche and I'm like the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl I can't say her name memory but it's that core memory being like fucking Michelle has it yes I'm getting it I was like and I'm like I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche I was literally just like living out my like high school insecurity being like I finally got it yeah I'm like do I like it I actually do sponsor me um okay you went to University of Mississippi oh yeah hotty totty Can you explain your experience in three words?

19:08Oh, yeah. Okay. Unhinged. Okay. Full throttle. That's two. That's two. Who gives a fuck? Okay. Unhinged. Mayonnaise. What? And just elated. I had the best four years of my life. Shout out to the University of Mississippi. I just did a show for them last week. And I loved it. My college experience was out of this world. Wow. Yeah. Like from freshman year. From freshman year. Here's the thing. I, even being from the South, because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi. Oh, me neither. The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that let me. You're like, actually, when I got accepted, I was like, fuck.

19:52No, truly. But then you got there and you're like. I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts. Like imagine me in Malibu. No. Absolutely not. So I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine. It was two weeks before graduation and I didn't get in because I thought I was going to go to their prestigious theater program. Well, here's the thing. I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs. I'm not a scholastic test-taking kind of gal. Me either. On paper, it's rough, okay? So I didn't get in, and I remember sitting down with the college counselor, and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments, and they still are taking applicants.

20:23It was Alabama and Ole Miss. I swear to God, out's my hand on the Bible. I visited Alabama. I'm in Tuscaloosa. I'm at the Sigma Chi house. I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender, and I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss. Like I like to party, but this is, this is another world. This is some next level shit. So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody. I did the sorority rush. I had the time of my life. I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like all of the things, it just clicked. And I, and I, we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford.

20:56You did? I go back all the time. I love it. Hold on. Cocaine on a chicken finger? Yeah. It was a lot. And you know, in the South, we got juicy tenders. It's not like a light, it's not like a, it's not a slim tinder. It's a thick boy. It's a thick boy. And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm going to. That's some real shit. No, I love that your honesty is like, I love Ole Miss. Like it was my, it's the only place I got accepted. But like, who cares? You end up, and that's I think a great note for anyone that's in high school listening. God, maybe there are people that listen in high school.

21:24There are, you'd be surprised. You guys, like it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to school. It doesn't matter and you'll find your spot. Like, I remember being so devastated thinking, okay, I'm not going to be this, like, you know, Shakespearean actor. What is going on? And I ended up, like, it's the greatest joy of my life. And also, I would not have met my husband. Because my best friend, Tina, who works with me and helps run my production company, she was from New York. So this bitch flies down. We're both in the theater department. I'm like, where the fuck are you from? She's like, where the fuck are you from?

21:51And she's the one who introduced me to my husband. So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee. Oh, my God, it's so meant to be. also you mentioned sorority life uh-huh I played soccer so I didn't I still to this day don't fully understand sorority life and I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be because now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff which maybe it was back then but can you walk me through it is really wild I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience is like I do think you're right social media has completely changed the game oh my god I mean when I went to college I hate to date myself but it was the first year that Facebook came out.

22:27So, you know, I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile. I just showed up in a Lily Pulitzer skirt was like, y 'all ready to fucking do this or what? Um, I was pledge class president. I was bid day chair. I had the best time. And also like I see girls online that talk about hazing. No one haze my ass. I showed up to the Delta Gamma house at the university of Mississippi. I had a monogrammed pillow with my name on it and a new you know bottle of um like barefoot white wine i had the time of my life but also i'm 5 10 you don't really haze you don't fuck with you large and in charge no i would stop i was gonna fucking say like i feel like what i'm watching on on tiktok right now it's like first of all the dorm situation how are they like i showed up with the jansport backpack and i had like a duffel bag and i like threw shit in that i like bought off of ebay i don't know what you You got like a Bed Bath & Beyond.

23:18I had a Bed-N-Bag. That's what you did. I called my roommate who I had never met before. And I said, what color scheme are we going with? We did lime green, hot pink, and black. And literally it was a Bed-N-Bag. You got the comforter, the one sheet. You only had one set of sheets. That's it. Only one. You're changing your sheets. That's it. And then I got, I remember like when the first day of school started, they had those like poster sales. And I got like Channing Tatum on one wall. Of course. And then I got like hot girls asses. Because I was like, this will really like, the guys will think we're cool for this.

23:43They'll love this. Exactly. makes sense. That makes so much sense. Yeah. So I don't understand when they're like, let's do a transformation and they do the click and it goes from like a dreary dorm room to immediately. It's like, you look like you're in a fucking palace. I have a sorority sister who that's her job now. She runs, it has a whole business where she redoes the Ole Miss dorm rooms. Wow. They have like antiques in the room. They're built. I mean, I had literally like three, those stacked plastic bins that you get at like staples. I didn't even go to a container store. I went to like Office Max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back.

24:23Like nothing about my room. I had a desktop, Alex. I didn't even have a laptop. My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was gonna like steal my identity. And finally I called him. I was like, dad, I gotta get a laptop. Like I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library. Like what the fuck are we doing here? yeah i was also a theater major so i didn't really need you know a computer but um still the point is is like it was it is different right now and i do believe some of the bitches on tiktok are really going above and beyond for social media like if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your pb teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all pottery barn tea oh my god that was lux that was the shit do you remember when jersey sheet like Jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans really actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking I remember my mom was like a gift sent me the Jersey Pottery Barn teen sheets and I was like in flames when I woke up I thought I had the flu I remember I got like these dark gray ones yeah and the first time a guy came on my sheets and I only had again one fucking pair yeah so I was just looking at that shit like damn I'm fucked and I just left it there credit card later on after the cum had dried and you were like trying to scrape bit off you're like we'll just get that off at the end it's fucking disgusting anyways okay so you were rushing you got into your sorority can you like tell me like do you remember like your chance do i remember my chance i thought you would never ask so interesting enough so i went to the home chapter delta gamma was founded at the university of mississippi it was a big deal that they led a woman not from mississippi into the sorority i don't know who wrote me a wreck but they they saw my ass coming and they said she's got potential damn yeah so i um it was funny during rush so we used to do this thing called a door song okay and you might have seen it on bama tiktok now they banned it but um like so somebody comes and knocks on the door okay the door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck i was always on the bottom because i was beefy so i'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sorority sisters on me and we'd be like d e LTA Delta D E LTA and do this whole thing and then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing so you're like running through the lawn being like Emily Emily where are you and you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were but you had like had giant cards I mean you're studying them and then you're like looking around like I can't see her and then this little girl Emily pops out of the bush she's like it's me and then we would run him through the DG house and of course since I was on the bottom I was like breathless so by the time I got up I would literally be like where's Emily Emily from Jackson Mississippi are you here like you're all your makeup is gone you're drenched I am so moist it's it's it's like it's not healthy your back is blown out it's awful you have nothing left again I have nothing left and then you crowd them in this room this chapter room and you know we're like sitting at them like breathing hot fire breath on them I'm just being like trying to get him to cry to be like, do you want to be here?

27:27This is the greatest day of my life. I ate it up, though. I had the time of my life. Oh, my God. What do you think you loved about it? Because it's a little culty. No, it is. But I really just met all my best friends there. And again, I there was not hazing. So when I see girls that had like a really like if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat, I would have been like, I win. I get it. Just y 'all go home. I'm the fattest one. I put on 45 pounds my freshman year. Like, just y 'all go home. Right. I it was a lot of I mean we did like philanthropy work we had raging parties it really was not toxic I'm sure a couple bitches you know yeah I mean we fought a couple times but I was also kind of the black sheep like I was always sent to standards because I was smoking cigarettes standing up that's that was a weird rule if it you know if you want to smoke a cigarette if you want to rip a heater you got to sit down cross your legs wait what yeah because you got to look ladylike oh my god so you can smoke cigs but you just have to do it looking down so if I was standing up I couldn't but if I was sitting down having a cigarette that's kosher you know do you still to this day sit down or do you stand up I only have uh I hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this I love a I'm kidding hypothetically allegedly I love just a cig when I'm in Italy it's my vacation cig but I'm not a smoker okay contrary to popular belief people hear my voice I'm not a smoker you've got a great voice but can I also say to this younger generation I really get concerned about I was at the college bar the other day and we had the bar in our town called the library so when my dad would see all my charges he called me one day and was like god damn it Heather return your fucking books to the library this is insane he didn't know it was a bar oh yeah it's my favorite bar in America but literally I see these kids everybody's ripping the vape and they're all passing it around and I turn to a young man in the bar and I go honey this is how you get mono or cold sores.

29:18I don't know what we're doing here, but y 'all all need to just have your own vape. I'm a... Heather, no. No. I thought you were going to say something completely different. What do you think I was going to say? This is how you're going to get lung cancer. No, no, fuck them. No, no, no. I'm worried about Epstein-Barr virus. I'm not worried about their lungs, okay? Come on now. I don't have time for that. Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them. You're like, just each of you get your own. Stack up. I'm like, this is why you guys are all going to have strep throat. Get your own.

29:48Get your life together. Daddy gang, stop dueling. Stop dueling. We're done. Okay, I know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial. That's true, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I am, you know, 37. You're a young woman. Thank you. Thank you. I am young, youthful. You're very young. Thank you. I want to talk about some of the millennial trends. Okay. And I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back? Or how do you feel about them in general? I'm so excited for this. Side parts. Oh, let me tell you. There is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house the other day and I found my old composite photo.

30:27It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw. Okay. It was just a thick comb over. I had no eyebrows. But I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now. I have an intense cowlick. And if you knew the amount of time, effort, and Orbe dry texture spray that is holding me together. Because which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go? It's naturally, it should go this way. So it wants to be comb over. It wants to go full Donald Trump. Yes. It really does. I love a deep side part. You know, obviously, you know, if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight, like the cheese straightener, it's not a good look.

31:06It's really not a good look. And I feel like depending on what phase you're at in your life, like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl, I was objectively not, I wasn't like the cutest. Okay. I really, it really wasn't, it wasn't me. I didn't know that though. No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye. Let's draw in our eyebrows. Let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in. I was deep deep throating like you know Hot Pockets chugging bourbon I had not a care in the world but you were happy I was I've never been happier no now I'm getting everything I want and I'm like god this fucking sucks you're like I want to go back to the good old days yeah but it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself there is a difference between a side part and the comb over and when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part it can really look busted so I think I think you're right it depends on what what you're doing with it but I would say the side part is usually a flop okay all right you know what fair enough but you also have a perfect straight line through your head so I just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the cowlick community no that's all I'm saying you want to hear something crazy what I have a fucking cowlick where yeah exactly the amount of time that I spent pushing pushing moving gel starts at 7 a.m bitch and it's fucking almost two o 'clock in the afternoon this it was it was sitting setting melting pressing the little clips and the clips I'll go to an event I'll be about to walk the red carpet and I'm like take the clips out remove the clips last minute always I the amount of gel and like shit that I had to get to this point and I sleep with it sometimes like that.

32:57Oh wow. Yeah I'm dedicated. Sociopath. I love it. It's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking head. It looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter. Have you ever had side bangs? No. Well I did go through a little bit of an emo phase. I was always yeah. But I would be at the like the Vans Warped Tour in like junior high and I would always be in like a full Hollister outfit and a Puka shell necklace. I still dress like Dave Matthews band-esque, but I was at seeing, you know, something corporate, Simple Plan, or one of those bands.

33:31Wait, stop. I feel like we would have been friends. Like, I went through such an emo phase, and I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with, like, a band t-shirt. I was obsessed with Simple Plan, Blink-182. Then I went into All Time Low. I had all these different, like, I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne. I wanted to be her. Oh, Avril Lavigne is, I remember being like a, you know, a chubby sixth grader, and I'd come home, and I'd put her CD, And I like because, you know, we we we had a little money. So I had this six disc changer and I would just literally be like, I'm fading in the sun. Yes.

34:04It's just like rage out. My mom would be like this one. I was naturally I would think like happy. Like I didn't want to be emo, but I loved the concept of being emo. We're just dramatic. We're a little dramatic. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, that is annoying. OK, how do you feel about tall Uggs?

34:34Oh, God. Okay. Well, here's my thing. My best feature on my body is my thin ankle. Okay. I never, I mean, look at that. Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle? That is a very nice ankle. It's a very nice ankle. Thank you. Because it gets thin? It's very thin. And I also have nice toe cleavage. Oh. I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community, that my foot, while very wide, in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual. Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks? I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on WikiFeets and it's knocked my rating down to like a 3.5.

35:09I'm very upset about it. You're not actually on WikiFeets, are you? What the fuck? I didn't know it was a thing and somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know your rating went down on WikiFeets. I was like, what the fuck is WikiFeets? Dude, Heather, I'm not kidding. you I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish you know here's the thing it's not hurtful no it's not hurtful it's just fascinating I would do OnlyFans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies fantastic and it's just it's natural too it's natural it's either you got it or you don't no one's getting like foot implants no one's getting like really thick it's you got it or you don't and if you got it flaunt it I would like to say because you have such a huge international platform I you know big Nike fan but I've got a wide, wide girthy foot.

35:52And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide, that would be fantastic. I go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic. So please, for the love of God, make a wide in an Air Force One. Okay, sorry. I had to take that opportunity. I could have said something to find peace in the Middle East, but instead I'm like, can I get a custom Nike in a wide? Because my toes are falling asleep. Nara literally coming on here and being like, what other brand deals did I want to get out of this episode yes I'm obsessed what are we getting we're getting a Porsche we're getting a Jetta an Audi and free shoes for life and Orbe and Uggs and Uggs thank you back to the Uggs okay so the Uggs can I tell you I'm having a lot of fun I'm having a lot of fun with you too okay back to the Uggs so here's the thing to be fair sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that like my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because like you know how to do it so thank you thank you for showing up today okay tall Uggs okay tall uggs i i don't like a sweaty calf okay you know i i i would wear them i went to a christian school so we had to wear the uniforms and in the winter that was a thing you wore the tall ugg you could wear them with your uniform we could wear them we didn't have to wear like mary janes or anything i'd wear a tall ugg with my little like catholic school girl uniform and i just remember huffing it you know through the parking lot just like these are fucking hot wait did you have boys at your school we did what the fuck heather i went to an i went to a full co-ed um k through eight I was like in Catholic school and I had to wear the plaid skirt and I used to have to say this to like my boyfriends I'm like I know it sounds hot like I was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy okay now I'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like literally old school shit and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the Mary Jane shoe Mary Jane and then they changed to saddle shoes at one point which was like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts that wasn't hot the whole uniform we could wear the socks but we in the winter they would allow us to wear the okay and then eventually they got pants because i think i like walked into the principal's office and said i'm fucking freezing okay and i'm a heavy set so if i'm cold imagine what these thin bitches are feeling this is unbelievable we have rights we do have rights fuck you fuck you um okay yeah soul cycle oh well that's a little triggering and i you should have warned me that you're gonna bring that up on such a trigger I worked at soul cycle okay in West Hollywood around the corner yeah what I when I moved to LA I needed a part-time job okay and I couldn't get a job at a restaurant which was really weird because I'd worked at some like the best restaurants in New York I had this crazy you know Michelin star experience and I could not get a job working as a bartender even like a hostess in LA why do you think because I wasn't a porn star that's why I wore a sensible supportive bra to work.