How Comparison Ruins Friendships

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1:51I also can't tell if it's just May and everyone is busy, but from work to personal, life has just been chaotic, but in a good way, like a good type of busy. I just got back from Canada, which was fun. That was only my second time in Canada. And it was so beautiful. We went there for a Google shoot we were doing. And guys, I was living my actress life for a week. It was so inspiring and it was so tiring. Like this entire experience made me realize how I have it so made and I need to thank God every single day for my podcast life. Like growing up, I was like, oh my God, I want to be on a movie set.

2:39Like I want to be in Hathaway in Devil Wears Prada, like or Miranda Priestly, you know, that works too. But like then I get on set and first of all, it was so incredible, like to get to work with these directors and producers that I was working with. And some of the actors are on some of my favorite shows that I've ever watched. It was amazing. And watching them in their element, I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. However, I have been spoiled by being a podcaster because when I tell you, you sit down for a podcast, guys, you bang out two hours, okay? Two hours, you do a little bit of social media.

3:13And then a lot of it is like in the post-production, right? And it's just like a very, like, if you want to pivot. If you want to try something different, you can. It's like on the move, on the go. Guys acting. When I think back to some of the most incredible movies I've ever watched in my life, I now just see it so differently because I'm like, how did they get in a groove? How did they get in the groove? Because let me tell you, I would go on set. I would be on set. I would say two lines. They would say, cut. All right. Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. I'd say, wait, but I only did two lines.

3:44Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. We're going to reset the cameras. I said, okay. And then are we going to come and do the next set of lines? No, you're going to do those same lines in 45 minutes, just from a different angle. Oh, and like, I've known this cause I've like gone on sets where Matt is making movies, but to actually physically be the actress, it really put in perspective. I was like, honestly, I have so much respect for actors and actresses. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But like podcasting is for me. Cameos, you know, she can jump in, do a little, oh, hey, I'm here. Um, but whoa, guys, I love podcasting forever and always.

4:23Um, so yes, that was a positive though. I, it was one of the most creative sets I've ever been on and I can't wait for you guys to see it. We made like a micro drama and it was insane. All that. Also, I am going to New York for a little bit of business, a little bit of personal. I'm going with my husband and my team from Unwell and Call Her Daddy. And I'm very excited to go to New York because I feel like New York in May, it's different, but it kind of is similar to New York in October. Like the weather is perfect. People are out. Everyone's in good moods. It's not disgustingly hot yet. Similar to October where it's not disgustingly cold yet.

5:08like the vibes are great I also just haven't been back to New York in a really long time and I think I'm overdue for a New York trip I still disclaimer have to say though like I I am still happy that I don't live there and and I feel horrible saying that because I was such a New Yorker I felt like for so long but like I just I need the grass I need the grass I need the trees I need it I need it more than I thought. I think maybe it's just a getting older thing, but like it's too overstimulating for forever, but I love a good pop in, pop out. I have so many food stops that I need to make, people that I need to see, places I need to go.

5:50What else is going on in my life? I deleted TikTok off of my phone. I would say I did that like two weeks ago and I moved Instagram to the last slide of my phone. So like if I want to go on it, I got to really search for it. And let me tell you something. Life has been really good. Life has been really good because I have read many books. I read Count My Lies by Sophie Stava. And now it's excitingly getting made, I believe, into a movie or TV show with, oh my God, who are going to be the actress? Oh, it's Lindsay Lohan and Shailene Woodley. And I just read the book. I was like, okay, it was actually really, really insane.

6:31Like if you like twists and turns, baby, you're on a twist and turn. I read Strangers by Belle Burden, which is like everyone has been talking about this woman's memoir about her husband cheating on her and leaving her and her entire life blowing up in COVID. And it was actually so traumatizing and so sad, but also just such a testament to women. And like, we need to make sure we are good on our own always. And last but not least, if anything, this is my absolute fucking favorite. Miss Lena Dunham. I love you so much. I'm reading her memoir and I just finished it last night. Fame sick. Let me just tell you something.

7:05I have loved Lena Dunham for so long. I remember the first time I had a meeting with her and I just was like, I love you so much, Lena. And just to like know you is to be is a privilege. This book, if you need a new book, you guys, oh my God, what that woman has been through, it puts life in perspective. And I just, she's such a genius. The way that she writes is, she's just brilliant. Like there's something so inspiring reading someone who is so brilliant. And the way that she writes, I just never wanted to put the book down. And Matt was like, oh, okay, I get it. We love Lena Dunham, but we have to eat.

7:44And I was like reading it at dinner. And I was like, okay, you're right. I need to put it down. And now I'm depressed because I finished it too quickly. And I'm like, Lena, now we need another book. So love that if anyone needed any recommendations. But now I'm now I need a new book. OK. And if you could drop a new book rec in the comments, I'm on a kick right now. Like I want to read and not scroll. And so far, so good. Oh, last but not least in life updates, which is the probably like the thing I'm the most excited about is I finally booked a summer trip with my three girlfriends and I could not be more excited.

8:30We are going to do a trip to my lake house this summer. And let me tell you something. It is so hard to plan a girl's weekend when you are in your 30s because all of us, every single group text is like, all right, wait, let me check that. I have a wedding that weekend. Every single one of us has like 14 weddings this summer. And we are like, where is the one weekend that you don't have a bachelorette or a wedding or a wedding or like all of us somehow have so many weddings this summer. So we finally were like, this is the weekend. No one's getting married. No one, like hopefully no one dies. Like let's just put it on the books.

9:09So we planned it. And And then the minute we planned it, obviously, Lauren is planning a themed dinner party. It's going to Lauren. The best part of Lauren is she is the best the best time friend. Right. Like you're like, oh, what are we going to do? And she's like, we're having a themed dinner party, obviously. And I'm like, oh, OK, what's the theme? So Lauren's currently working on themes. She's pitching ideas, which is very exciting. but I'm just so excited to have a girl's trip on the books to like downtime we have activities it just makes me really really happy and I think why I'm also just so excited is all of us going on this trip are kind of more than ever right now individually going through such different things in life right now.

9:59We're all at very defining but weird points. And so I'm really looking forward to having time to just pour into each of us and support each other and talk through all that is going on in our lives. And there's nothing better than just sitting around a fireplace or on a lake on a boat and being like sobbing, but good tears, some good tears, but being like just with your girls, which is kind of what inspired the topic that I want to talk about today.

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11:46Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash daddy. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Stouffer's. Let me tell you something. When I am hungry and I am trying to figure out what to eat, sometimes you can just actually become so you're angry. You're like, I am busy. I'm hungry. I'm getting hangry. I'm getting angry. What can I eat? I need something hot and delicious and low maintenance. Well, introducing Stouffer's dinners are not only delicious, they're done in a flash. Serve up their classic lasagna, chicken pesto, or carbonara for two. Whatever you're craving, Stouffer's is your hot, delicious, easy meal fantasy.

12:24When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. You can see all the delicious options at stouffers.com. I don't know about you guys, but everywhere where I go or anytime I open my phone, I, it's like making me mad, but I hear people talking about looks maxing, money maxing, protein maxing, whatever maxing, like people can't stop saying it right now. Every young person in our office is like, I'm whatever maxing. And I'm like, oh my, I'm here and everywhere. Okay. But today I want to talk about something called Freudian, Freudenfreude Maxing. Here she comes. The grandma's in the room, okay? Listen to me.

13:09If you're like, Alex, what the fuck are you saying? That's not English. Don't worry. I got you. Let me tell you, okay? Freudenfreude is a term. I think it could be a recent term. It could be a made up term. Honestly, God knows. But it is the experience of feeling joy for someone else's happiness or success. And so before we get like dive into the topic, I want to set the scene to why this has been on my mind aside from the girls trip I'm having coming up. And it's almost like on one hand, that group of friends is only illuminating in my life of how fortunate I am to have friends. We're all so supportive of each other.

13:48We never get on fights in these trips. There's no weird dynamics. There's no competitiveness. There's literally nothing but good vibes. And then another friend that I have in a different friend group. She has been calling me a lot lately, a lot more than usual, I would say, which don't get me wrong. I love. I'm like so happy that I'm hearing from her. But basically my friend got engaged about, I think she got like two months ago and they have been together for a few years. They just moved in together and she understandably has just been like so beyond excited about it. And I am so happy for her, right?

14:28Such a great time in her life. But since that she's been engaged, she has been calling me so much more than usual. And she's calling to talk, like check in, talk about wedding updates, dress ideas, like venue option, like all of it. And again, I love hearing from her. But yesterday when she called, it was like the third time in one week and it was the second time in that one day. And I was like, I feel like I could just, you know, when you're talking to your friend, I'm like, I can just feel some things off. Like you can just feel the vibes. And so I let her know. I'm like, girl, I absolutely love hearing from you.

15:01And I will talk about those wedding details until we are blue in the face. But I do have to ask, because I know you so well, like, is everything okay? Like, are you good? Because obviously you've been calling more than normal and I'm here and I love it. and I love hearing from you, but I just wanna make sure you're good because I feel like something could be off, but I could be completely reading like the wrong tone over the phone or whatever. And the minute I opened up that conversation for her, she just started breaking down. And she was like, honestly, I'm so sorry that I keep coming to you, but all of my friends that I usually talk to on the more like day-to-day or just like talk to like I talk to you are either single or they're in not really great relationships right now.

15:49And no one really seems to be as happy or excited for me as you do in this new stage of my life. And so after she and I debriefed the latest venue, it's a great venue, by the way, we ended up hanging up and I couldn't stop thinking about this. I really couldn't because I realized that, first of all, I have had my own version of doing this too. Like when I have a big or exciting thing going on, whether it's with work or it's with Matt or like literally anything, I have those certain people who I know to call for certain things. And if you really pause, and I'm sure if you think about it, I am sure you know which people in your life are going to be genuinely so happy for you and celebrate you in those big moments of your life or those happy moments in your life.

16:38And you also know which people probably won't. And there is honestly nothing worse than being so excited about a new job or a new boyfriend, a new apartment or whatever it may be that's going on in your life in that moment. And then you call your friends so excited and they just downplay it or they dismiss it when you share it with them. Even worse, they make it somehow about them. Like you're calling with this big news and then they're like, yeah, whatever. Anyways. So, and you're like, wait, how did we, and, and then, or they start just like complaining about how they don't like their job and their dating life sucks or, you know, whatever it is.

17:21But somehow they change the entire conversation and make you feel like, wait, this isn't really why I called and now I'm feeling like kind of shitty actually and a little frustrated. And what I have come to terms with, with these type of friendships is that at a certain point, you either have to start to pull away from those type of friends that can't celebrate you or you kind of have to call them out. And sometimes you also need to be self-aware if maybe you are the friend that's being that friend. Like maybe you are the Debbie Downer. So this is what I want to talk about today because I feel like so much of the daddy gang is at a place in their life where we are all having big changes, right?

18:09But if you don't have the right people around you. Girl, oh, as I've been loving to do on these Sunday sessions, guys, I did a little research. Nothing crazy, but I did a little research and I wanted to read a part of an article that I found that kind of breaks this down pretty well. It's written by a clinical psychologist and it's called Why is My Best Friend Never Happy for Me? They write, whether it's good or bad news, our impulse as humans is to share our news with those close to us. Most of us don't give too much thought about how our friends will react to our good news. We assume that they'll share in our happiness and react with excitement and enthusiasm.

18:47But what happens when they don't? Friendships, just like relationships, can go through different and sometimes difficult phases. Now might be a good time to be curious about why your friend is responding to you in this way. Ask yourself, has she always responded to my good news in this way? or is this a new pattern? If so, what might have changed for her to be responding this negatively? When people don't feel good about themselves, they might look for ways to boost their self-esteem. Sometimes they may even resort to put downs or negative comments as a way of momentarily giving themselves a sense of being better than others.

19:23Is it possible this might be the case with your friend or perhaps you feel that envy or competitiveness may be a feature of your friendship? Another possibility is that sometimes we can transfer or displace our emotions onto our closest friends. Could it be that your friend is feeling negative about other things but is projecting her feelings onto you? There are many possible explanations for why this might be occurring. And only through some honest discussions with your friend will you be able to uncover the truth. Oh, here's where it motherfucking hurts. okay I also want to clarify before I fully dive into this and like how I would personally handle it is like I understand that when talking about this there is so much nuance to everyone's watching's dynamic with their friend right like I'm not gonna be able to pinpoint every single certain situation I'm gonna try to like broadly address and then obviously you guys can try to apply it to your life so let's talk about just like do you even approach a conversation with your friend about this issue.

20:30My first advice is you first need to determine like, is there a dynamic shift that just happened out of nowhere or are you just now starting to realize like, huh? And so I think a dynamic shift that's current, obviously this person could be stressed. There could be insecurity. They could be burnt out from their own life. They could be going through heartbreak. They could have career struggles, family stuff. Like your lives, I think you have to recognize, may have recently become less aligned, which can heighten comparison with one of your friends, right? Like, oh, you just got the job and they just got fired from their job.

21:10So maybe they're not going to be so fucking happy for you that you just got your job, right? So if that is the case, that something just tangibly just currently happened, my advice, and this isn't just like a bitch that's always been a bitch. I think my conversation approach is like you need to actually investigate what changed in the relationship and this kind of takes a level of maturity and reciprocity and self-awareness from you like and I and I want to clarify you shouldn't always be the one that has to like break the ice but when you're the one experiencing the happiness and this does feel like a one-off with your friend who's not really reciprocating and celebrating you I do think it's appropriate to ask if she's okay like hey I've noticed recently that when I'm kind of sharing things I'm excited about the response feels different than it used to and so I just wanted to ask like have you like has something shifted um between us or is something like going on that like you know I just I just wanted to open the conversation because guys best case is she opens up and she tells you like yeah I just found out my mom is sick or I just found out I'm getting laid off and I'm so sorry that you know what I mean like but we have to be self-aware enough that if our friend is not happy for us give them the opportunity to tell you why because there's also probably something in them that's like I don't want to bring this up but like they may not even notice they're doing it right I think the more serious thing to talk about.

22:43And unfortunately, the more common issue is like, if it's a pattern, if it's a pattern that you have been noticing for a while in your friendship, and maybe you're just really starting to notice it now because your wins are becoming bigger and more noticeable. And you've done the self-work where you're less willing to tolerate digs from this person. And you're like, I can't fucking stand this anymore. Like why is Casey always making these rude comments when I have a good day? Also, you've probably gained other friendships that show you what supportive friends actually look like. I think that can be a huge one where you're like, wait a second, I've been putting up with this nonsense for so long.

23:25And now I have these gorgeous friends over here that are like taking me out for celebratory drinks. Casey's never once asked me to go for celebratory drinks. If anything, somehow I have a maximum of like 30 seconds to talk about my wins. And then she somehow makes it about her. That I think is the more common situation. Right. And I think that conversation approach is less about responding to an incident and more just finally naming a pattern with your friend. Like, hey, I have realized this has become a pattern in our relationship. And I honestly kind of often feel like our conversations, it feels like you're downplaying things that I'm excited about or proud of.

24:06Or when I do share something positive that's going on in my life, it's often met with negativity. Now, obviously, depending on how your friend responds is going to tell you a lot about the future of your friendship, right? And so I will say entering my 30s, I am really happy and proud and fortunate. I don't really have these type of friendships anymore. All of them, I would say, were completely shed by my late 20s. But I do wish that I had the tools to have these type of conversations as intimidating and scary as they can be with friends. I do genuinely believe that when you actually can have a conversation with a friend, it is always going to make you feel better if you try and talk something through, especially if it's with a longstanding friend rather than just like slowly and intentionally distancing and ghosting.

25:02Again, everyone's situation is different. You could be like, Alex, I wish I could have a conversation with this person. But now I'm realizing I got a narcissist on my hands and I'm like, girl, hit that block button. I get it. But I just overall personally have found kind of closure when I'm able to express my feelings and I am direct. and so even if you end up deciding the friendship isn't going to last at least you were able to communicate it so you have nothing left unsaid right and also I think the whole point of life is like then you're more prepared next time this comes up in another relationship that you're dealing with right you're like oh I know how to handle this I know the conversation I know what to do I think if we just don't acknowledge and handle things to some degree it's just going to keep happening.

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27:53Now you're all like, okay, so I'm confronting Cassandra. What the fuck, Cassie? I'm going up to Rebecca. Like I'm having these conversations. When do you know then to end the friendship? I think when it comes to friendship, I typically believe that. I don't know. I just don't think you should cut someone off over one disappointing moment. I think most people deserve more than that. I would pay attention to how they respond when you do initiate this conversation, right? Like, do they respond to the conversation with actual genuine like care and curiosity? Like of like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that.

28:31Or do they get defensive? And they're like, you know what, Alex, you're too sensitive. not everything is about you you're always like are they scorekeeping that is the oh my god guys any relationship romantic or friendship or family if someone is scorekeeping aka like well I supported you the one time even though it was inconvenient for me like the victimization when they're like well I guess I'm just a horrible friend then right like I've never showed up for you and you're like wait no no this is literally not what I'm wait how did it how did this become no I'm I'm huh guys that is probably when you know you need to end the fucking friendship if you are feeling that insane and someone is scorekeeping and victimizing themselves and you're like what I think in those moments you really need to ask yourself is this friendship having larger consequences on your life is it affecting how you show up in other places and other relationships are you becoming quieter less confident are you downplaying your success are you literally scared to tell them about your wins.