How to Deal with Mean Girls

0:00I am going to answer some questions. Joan.

0:08I'm going to answer some questions, babe. I am going to answer. Do you guys remember when I did the Terminator voice? I always worry I'm going to blow all of your ears out. Let me lower my volume because I think it's really important that when we are thinking about our life, when we're thinking about our future, when we're thinking about a question.

0:29Questions of the motherfucking week. Questions of the motherfucking week. Chuck, down, Dorota, Serena. It's questions down, down. Chuck, no, Lily, Blair. It's questions, it's questions, it's questions of the motherfucking week.

0:58it's questions of the week Sunday morning fath this calling do do do do do do do do every Sunday's fath this day that was pretty good right you guys have a lot of good questions and I'm about to answer them for you so let's get into it the first question is me and my husband have been married for seven months but previously dating for four and a half years when we were freshly dating we were both degenerates should i ask my husband if he cheated on me while we were dating there's still things that i question is this something i should talk to him about or go to therapy about considering we're married and i never did anything about it back then oh girl immediately my first reaction to this is like you love this person but there's nothing fucking worse than when you have something weighing on you specifically it's about your partner my favorite moment is if I have a problem with anyone else in the world but my partner because then I can sit down with Matt and I put a chicken parm in front of his face and I'm like baby get ready because I'm about to talk about this for two fucking hours and I need your advice and he will sit there and we will talk this problem into the ground together from my experience you feel like shit when you have something that you want to talk to your partner about and you don't know how to bring it up I dealt with this a lot in the beginning of my relationship with Matt what do I bring up what do I not bring up and I always realized that there is a way that you can bring it up that is not attacking and is not you being like accusatory that he cheated but there's a way that you can actually come from it more of like I need to talk about this selfishly I don't know why it's upsetting me so much and I just need to get it off my chest and then you allow your partner to know like this kind of is actually not as much about like if you did cheat on me back when we were dating or you didn't it's actually like I need to say this out loud and then as a couple we're gonna decide how we're handle this so if I was you I would tell him if you don't ever acknowledge it you're never going to get your answer and this is the person you're spending the rest of your life with this is different if you're just like fucking with a fuck boy and you're like babe don't bring it up like this relationship's gonna be over in fucking three minutes anyways like let's keep it moving like know where you're gonna waste your breath okay and this is not you wasting your breath this is actually you getting closure on something that is clearly upsetting you so I'm gonna pretend I'm talking to Matt I would be like Matt I need to talk to you about something and I want to first preface this with I don't know why this thought keeps coming up for me and it's just been so frustrating and annoying because it will come up in random moments and I can't help but think about it and then I kind of spiral and I want to just talk to you about it because whatever the answer is I I want to be able to handle this with you because I don't I can't keep just like holding this in inside back in the day when we were dating I know we were both degenerates and we were kind of like doing our own thing and we were together but we were like who knows what was happening I don't even know where to go after this answer but I just want you to answer honestly and then again we can move forward and figure out how we work through that during our relationship dating was there ever a point that you did hook up with someone else if he said yes I don't know are you going to leave?

4:32Like that's on you. I don't know. But I would just say sometimes when we have something in our brain that we've been like ruminating on before I got into like good therapy, I would just be like, I, something's been really annoying me lately. And I need to know, did you cheat on me when we were dating? That just comes off so aggressive and you're not giving the person across from you the understanding of where you're coming from. So I think setting the seen always with your partner is the best opportunity for you to actually resolve things. And who knows, maybe you don't want to resolve things.

5:04Maybe if he did cheat, you're like, I know then that like I'm out by you setting up a healthy situation. You're going to then know for yourself, you're probably going to get an honest answer. Cause you basically were like, I actually don't care the answer right away. I just need an answer. Whether it's yes, 15 women I fucked or no I just need to know then I don't know where we go from there but just tell me the truth but listen I'm gonna be real there is nothing more unsettling than being in a relationship and wondering if your partner is cheating on you or cheated on you I have dealt with it where I felt like I was going fucking crazy because you're like so intertwined in your lives with this person and you personally can't fathom going outside and and being with someone else other than the partner that you're committed to and then you start to question their character like oh my god if they're capable of that like are they that sneaky like do I trust them and then you start to go down a rabbit hole it's better to just nip it in the butt and bring this up to him daddy because you are going to you won't get the closure sure you can go to a therapist and work on it if you have just like trust issues from like your past or your family members.

6:22But I think if you're in a healthy relationship, the best thing to do is just ask him, ask him, but give him the space to not feel threatened that there is going to be some retaliation or there's going to be a big blow up screaming fight. I so understand that it will hurt if he says yes. I so I can't, I can't imagine. I cannot imagine if I found that out about Matt. Like, I don't even know what I would do. But what I do know is you decided to marry this man. There's so many things you love about this man. And you don't have any issues right now thinking he's cheating. It's this one period of your life.

7:00And we all fuck up, right? So maybe he's going to say yes. But after that, I knew, like, you're the love of my life. And I never wanted to do it again. And I haven't. Like, who knows? But you got to ask. So that's my advice. It's questions. He cheated on me. Does he deserve a second chance? My ex of two years cheated on me in the last four months of our relationship. He started dating the girl he cheated on me with right after we broke up. Oh, that's rough. He kept reaching out during the months after. And I finally set a firm boundary so that he didn't try to cheat on her with me. I really miss him and our relationship and he's still reaching out.

7:44Do you believe in once a cheater, always a cheater, or does he deserve a second chance? Babe, what do you mean? Do you believe in once a cheater, always a cheater? He's literally texting you as he's in a relationship. I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't. I think people can change, but he's literally showing you he hasn't changed because he's texting you while he has a new fucking girlfriend. Like we have to get out of our heads and stop telling ourselves what we want to hear and just look at the facts. He cheated on you with this woman. He's now dating this woman. And while he's now in a relationship with this woman, he's now texting you.

8:23And if you get back with him, guess what he's going to do? He's going to text her. Like we're playing ping pong, bitch. He wants his fucking cake and he wants to eat it too. And he should not be able to do that. you saying you tried to cut it off instead of boundary and then he kept texting you another red flag like you literally trying to be respectful to this woman that literally was the reason for your breakup sorry I want to clarify she wasn't the reason for your breakup he was but he cheats with this woman and now while he's with this woman you're like I don't want him to be another cheater so stop texting me and he's still texting you babe in this case once a cheater always a cheater you can't trust a man that's just gonna do it again let me let me give you a little insight there is supreme supreme dick out there there are some men that you will be shocked that will treat you right okay girl you can miss an ex you should miss an ex if you gave all of your all into a relationship you should miss that person that's a natural human instinct even if they fucked you over it would be crazy and we're just lying to ourselves we can lie to our friends being like bitch I don't miss him you miss him because you gave yourself to someone you were intimate with someone you shared things with some like when you're dating someone most of the time unless you're in a really unhealthy relationship this person knows so much about you and you know so much about them that even when they do fucked up shit there's a little part of you that still knows that human side of them that you fell in love with and so it's normal to miss someone but what it's not normal to do no it is normal to do but I'm going to try to unnormalize it is romanticize the good parts of the past and completely forget about the negative if you went back to that man tomorrow he has not changed he's showing you he didn't change because he's literally fucking texting you while he's in a relationship.

10:29And so to think anything else other than the truth and the facts and what this man is literally showing you, kind of shame on you. I get it, babe. I've gone back to the toxic. Like, oh, let's slide back in. Let's get back in there. But there, it wasn't lost on me that I knew it was a wild decision, but I knew I was putting myself back in there. I wasn't like, you guys he's gonna change for me this time even though he cheated on me last time he's not gonna do it again no I knew I know for myself at one point it was closure for myself to like feel like I had some type of power in this dynamic whatever it is but babe he's not gonna change so if your partner cheated on you and he's now an ex the only way to reevaluate I personally believe with someone is like time away from that person and then actually knowing what they were up to in that time and when you come back to them if you ever do reunite like is there anything different about this person or are you just pretending to see different things because you miss that feeling and you just want to get back half the time we're just pulled to the feeling that we think we miss and then the minute you're back in it you're like wait I hate this feeling wait uh I completely romanticized that when I was laying in bed staring at the wall being like oh my god but like I know he fucked up but like I miss him and like we had the best sex and like it was so like fiery and like so much passion no babe that is just like toxic you're mistaking like fiery passion for toxic it's questions it's questions I have a friend that did something that I really strongly disagree with her character is starting to show and I'm starting to realize how different our values are she's still super fun friend to go out with but I don't know where to draw the line do you have any experience with this is she worth keeping as a fun friend or should I think about cutting her off this is kind of difficult because I feel like I've gone through a lot of different phases with friends in terms of like what I am willing to put up with and what I think is worth sticking around for when I was living in New York City and I wasn't in a serious relationship I had a lot of girlfriends that were kind of like party friends.

12:47When the weekend came around, I was like, these are my fun friends, or this is my one girlfriend that I always love to like go get drinks with and party with and go find boys with. I think the issue really is where are you at in your life? Then I could answer that because I think it's important to have fun friends when you're at a certain point in your life where you want to be social and you maybe whether you're in a relationship and you feel like you need to have some independence and you want to get back out there you want to have fun with a friend maybe they're your girlfriend that you love to go get drinks with and just catch up with like or you're single and you need someone that is on that same wavelength as you right but I think when you get to a certain point in your life where maybe you are have a really stable set relationship you have your go-to best friends and you are in a place where you're just like really focusing on the future like what do I want to build for myself I think that's when the fun friends kind of become less of a priority because I feel like as I've started to grow up.

14:01I prioritize the relationships in my life so much differently now. If I'm going to have a free Saturday, I'm going to spend it either with Matt because we've been both so busy that we're like ships in the night some weeks that like we barely see each other. I'm going to spend that with Matt or I'm going to do a FaceTime date with my four best girlfriends, one of them, and I'm going to call them and like I'm going to catch up on their life. I'm not as interested at this point in my life and maybe going to the bar or going to see a friend that's going to be kind of surface level that's probably when those type of relationships for me personally I felt them in the past like two years kind of dissipate a little bit not that I don't fully keep in touch but like the effort has waned off because it's like this relationship was so good when we both needed it but it's kind of not servicing either of us because I don't need at this point in my life to go out for fun with someone that I don't really emotionally connect with or have deep conversations with.

15:02I have fun with Matt. I have fun with my family. I have fun with Matt's family. Like there's just different shit. You know what I mean? And so I would say to you, you just have to be protective of your energy. Like I never would have cut those people off in New York, nor would, did I even think about it because I needed friends that were fun and light and we didn't really have that many serious deep conversations because I didn't want to I wasn't at a point in my life where I really cared if we had like the exact same values you know like the relationship was to have fun and to go out and to drink go to a Pilates class together I never did that but maybe you do that okay like I think that we're kind of trained as women to like feel bad if a friendship no longer serves us anymore and it's like be a girl's girl like keep keep them in your life like that's not what a girl's girl means just because they are a girl and have a vagina you're not going to be like oh my god you just did this awful thing but like I'm a girl's girl I defend you girl like love peace love happiness like it's just that's not how it goes being a girl's girl is like supporting women obviously because we're at a fucking disadvantage but it doesn't mean like in these moments that you can't objectively look at the situation and say is this relationship filling me up does this relationship make me feel good that has nothing to do with like oh you're a bitch because you don't be friends with her anymore that's you just taking care of your mental health and yourself and also prioritizing your life there's not enough fucking time in the day guys like literally I had so many people that I would just text and text and text in my 20s and I loved those friends but like that those relationships were all based off of history of like oh my god our college days together but like we barely spoke about anything other than reminiscing on college which is fine feeling like the constant need to have to reach out and connect and connect you don't need to do that you can have thoughtful moments where you reconnect with someone every few months and catch up but you don't need to be spending your time being like oh my god well i have to go to that dinner tonight if you don't want to go to a dinner don't go to a dinner with someone be selfish you have to be selfish if you're not getting anything out of that again it's different when friendships it's like babe you got to be there for your friend i know she's going through it and you don't feel like listening to her bitch about the xyz that was happening in her life this past week whether it's a breakup or a family thing that's just being a good fucking friend is knowing when you got to just sit down and be there but on the day-to-day if you're not getting anything out of a relationship I think there's something beautiful about friendships ending that means that you're growing and that that doesn't negate the fact that it was such a great friendship at the time or it was just like a good fun relationship at the time but just because you you spent time with someone it doesn't mean that that person needs to continue into the next phase of your life if anything it's healthier to just like recognize what it is and move on be selfish with your time and don't feel bad for doing that okay next

18:40topic mean girls your partner being friends with people who don't like you break up with him he's not allowed to hang out with him hi daddy how do you deal with your boyfriend being friends with people who don't like you slash talk behind your back and you don't like them back either probably hate them they've never made an effort towards me and I genuinely don't like them my boyfriend just doesn't see the fact how this could bother me please help okay I wish I had a little bit more context like is it his best friend is it his family is it like a random group of people he goes on Sunday to like day drink with like who are these people I have dealt with this before I think there's two sides to this I dealt with this actually with Matt in the beginning of our relationship there are some people that I didn't feel respected me when I first came around I feel like in the past few years I've gotten so much better but like when I started dating Matt I was like a loose cannon like if you're gonna be a bitch to me I'm coming back right at you and I'm gonna say something like I have never ever been able to hold my tongue if someone's being mean to me or one of my friends I'm going to rip your face off with my words although I'm not ever going to initiate it if you come for me or someone I love I will come for you I have dealt with it with Lauren where Lauren's like oh my god don't say it don't say it and I'm like let me just fucking let you because if someone's being an especially if someone's being a fucking dick to your friend that's almost worse than if they come for you Like I'm like, oh, I will ruin.

20:16So I dealt with this in the beginning. I knew Matt and my relationship was not just this like fair weathered thing that was going to be like, maybe we will be together for like a year. Like I knew I was probably going to marry this man. And so I definitely took a different approach with the way that even if I was being disrespected, I was more tame and not as reactionary as much as I love the Leo fiery side of myself. I have learned that a lot of times people don't deserve your energy there was something beautiful whenever I would go out and these certain people would like kind of make like snarky comments about my job and like my show and like just be dicks and instead of being like oh wait and so like how's your job going like I heard you just got fired like what are you gonna do now like instead of being a dick back I would just sit there and smile and drink and be like yeah everything's good like or just go along with it I'd be like yeah like it's so crazy like that my show does that like yeah it's so crazy it's a really crazy like I would just agree with them and I would just sit there and there's something kind of fun about when someone is trying to dig at you just being like I literally don't care because if you think about it I think when I was in high school or something when people were bullying me or being dicks to me I I try I got really good at combating assholes like I was like I will never feel like I can't stand up for myself again because there were so many moments in elementary school and in high school that I stood there and wanted to cry and just had to take it and was silent and I wanted to throw up and I would run to the bathroom and then I would cry because whether it was a girl or a guy being mean to me, I was like, oh my God.

22:07And I feel like towards the end of high school, I started to just let it rip. I just started, if you're going to come for me and my friends, I'm going to fucking let it rip. And there were some girls in high school and we would beef when they came for me. I just blew the house down. I didn't feel bad because I'm like, if you came for me first, but that's kind of just like an immature way of looking at things um I think that my advice to you is like what are these people saying and how mean are they being to you and how important are they to your partner's life and there's like a tier system because they are important of course you can make a comment and you should make a comment to your boyfriend I know it's something I respect about Matt is he's always been so protective of me and most of the rooms that we were in when I moved to Los Angeles I didn't have any friends all of my friends live on the east coast my brother lives here now and some of my other friends moved here but in the beginning I was pretty isolated and alone and Matt recognized that that most of the time that we were out it was with his crew and his people and he was really receptive to whenever I was like hey that was awkward that was objectively fucking awkward and like I don't I don't get it and he would be like I know I know what I did say though is like I never had Matt say anything I don't know if this is the right advice I honestly don't know I don't know the correct advice to give you again I don't have that many details of your situation but what I would say is I never had Matt say anything because there was kind of this weird power once I acknowledged it with Matt and once Matt sat with me and talked with me about it it kind of just became this like inside joke of a game between us and it kind of like I said I would get to these dinners and this woman would just be say the rudest shit to my face and I would just be pounding my dirty martini being like oh my god totally like it's so embarrassing like my job is such a joke.

24:07Like it is so crazy. And I would just laugh and be like, yeah, oh God, you know, my parents are, they almost disowned me, you know, like it's wild, wild. Anyways, how are you? Tell me everything. Wait, show me pictures of like your family. Like, and Matt would just be squeezing my thigh under the table. And there was something kind of just like fun about being like, it's not that deep. It hurts. Trust me. But I don't know. There's just something like when you're confident enough in yourself of like I can relate in high school to be an asshole because I was so uncomfortable with myself and not didn't feel good and when people came for me it was like I'm gonna rip your face off now I just don't have I don't have that in me I don't have enough energy to even pick the things that I would want to go at this person for Like I don't care.

25:00Like I don't think of you. We're at a dinner. I don't I don't know. Like I don't care enough to be hateful towards people anymore. Like that's just not the vibe. I hear what you're saying and I think the only thing I would give advice for is my concern is that your partner doesn't see how the fact that it bothers you. That is where I have empathy for you because if you're not at least aligned with your partner where you're like doing what Matt and I are doing, we're really kicking each other under the table being like, oh my God, here she goes again or here he goes again. Like then you are isolated and you are alone and that is not fucking cool.

25:42And I feel for you on that because I have been in relationships where that's happened to me too. And you're kind of stuck in a weird situation. And I kind of think it becomes a little bit bigger than just like friends are being mean to you. I think this is a bigger conversation for you to have with your partner. It's like even sometimes if I'm wrong, Matt has my back. Matt is going to stand up for me no matter what. And then in private can be like, bitch, like, what the fuck was that? You're crazy. But like, I've got your back, but like, what the fuck, Alex? And I'm like, oh shit, I don't know.

26:12And vice versa. I will stand in a room and I will be Matt's number one supporter. If someone's going at him, like I'm going to be more likely to stand up for him. And I just, I just worry that if your partner can't defend you and empathize with you, that someone's coming for you, I don't know. I don't know if I could personally be in a relationship like that because When i'm in a relationship I want to trust my partner and I want to know that As much as I care about them they care about me and I can imagine you're feeling like shit because you're not feeling like he cares You're not feeling like he gives a fuck if you're publicly being humiliated and you're getting talked about and you're feeling small and you're sitting in this room while he's making jokes with people and you're just like, um, yeah.

26:59And those two people over there just fully whispering about me and I feel so uncomfortable. There's something kind of beautiful about setting boundaries for yourself. Even if you know, people are going to know, don't go next time. Make a statement like stay home, turn on fucking Netflix, play your most cozy comfort show, put on Grey's Anatomy, put on Gilmore Girls, put on gossip girl have a spa day do your fucking face care routine bitch shave your legs shave your v shave your armpits do whatever you need to read a book oh my god guys I've been reading so many romance novels lately find the things that make you happy and the next time that your partner asks you to go to this thing be like you know what babe I'm gonna pass I've shared with you why I don't feel comfortable around this group they make fun of me they're mean to me and I obviously see that you don't see that so until you do see that I probably don't feel comfortable hanging out with them because the one person in the room that I at least want to be able to grab and feel safe with isn't there for me in these moments so and then if he doesn't fucking come around like babe I don't know I think you kind of you got to reevaluate the relationship at whatever phase in your life there's nothing more embarrassing for someone that's trying to be mean to you than you just sitting there and either just being silent and asking like I've always said that my My father always told me if someone's being an asshole to you, you look at them after they finish.

28:24You pause for a long time and you just look at them and you say, what's your point? It's the same thing with people in the comments. Like if people are commenting mean things on your Instagram or people are messaging things about you, like, bitch, why are you so pressed about my life? Like, like can't relate. Don't know anything about you. Don't don't think about you. love the time you're putting into thinking about me and like that should make you feel good like there is something weirdly about just like knowing people like good or bad like they're thinking about you babe and you don't think about them so if you don't think about them let them just keep on churning out hours of their life thinking about you when you're not stressed bitch we're reading our romance novels shaving our fucking legs and like working on ourselves you have the right to remove yourself from anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

29:20And specifically, ladies, please listen to me on this. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or any social situation that you don't feel positive about, that makes you get anxiety over, that stresses you out, that makes you feel less than, that makes you feel small, remove yourself. You do not have to engage with these people. If you can physically remove yourself, yes, remove yourself. But I more mean emotionally remove yourself. Like there is nothing better than when someone is trying to be mean to you and be an asshole to you. And you just like, you just check out. Sometimes the delusion of just like silence and not giving a fuck is so golden.

30:03Daddy gang, we don't have time for fucking cunts. We don't. And I will say the moment, you know, that you don't have time for fucking mean girls or cunts anymore is when you actually are okay letting them be dicks to you and you indulge in it and you just sit there and you're literally like anyways um my braids are coming out my hair is soaking wet so I'm gonna go blow dry my hair because I have to go to a meeting I'm deadying I love you I'm so happy that we got to do questions of the week in the Sunday session I think something that is really important it's just having a standard for yourself and setting it in every fucking arena of your life relationship friendship work and I know it's hard trust me sometimes it requires a large amount of like internal confidence and even if you're faking it once you start to implement these things in your lives and set boundaries you're going to be so much fucking happier I promise you because I'm in the middle of doing it and I can't believe the way that I used to get affected by things versus now I'm just like who gives a fuck what people think about us.

31:06Literally, who cares? Who cares? We're all going to fucking die. I want to be happy with myself, be happy with the people that matter in my life. And that's all I really fucking care about. When I meet people, I'm showing up and trying to be a nice fucking person. I'm not trying to tear people down. That's what my vibe is. And so if people are doing that, ew, get away from me. I don't need the energy. And if you are going to be at my tour, just know I fucking love you guys and I'm going to be so hype and we are going to scream so loud and we're going to drink so much and we're going to party and there's going to be a lot of different things happening.

31:42So, um, you know, the motherfucking drill, I will see you fuckers this Wednesday. Goodbye.