How To End A Relationship Rut

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1:46Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I hope everyone had a nice holiday break. I hope you guys got some rest. I don't even know why, but I feel exhausted, even though I should be so relaxed because it was the holidays. So I'm about to crack open an unwell energy. Everyone calls this the Pog flavor or the P.O.G. flavor. It's passion fruit, orange guava. You can get it. Oh, little ASMR. You can get it at your local Target, everyone. I'm obsessed with these. You guys, I didn't really even drink like energy drinks like I think most of my friends do. Like I would have one like once a week or something, but now I'm drinking one every single day because they're so delicious.

2:32Oh my God. That's what I needed. Okay. Holiday break. We're back. Also, I feel like new year's resolutions don't even start until Monday, right? Like we're fine. Okay. We've got one more day. We can just relax and we can chill before life hits us in the freaking face. I hope you're all laying on the couch, eating some holiday leftovers. Maybe your screen time is up. It's a beautiful time to be alive. I actually came across a TikTok the other week while I was scrolling that I saved because I wanted to come on here and talk about it with you guys because it got me thinking. The TikTok was essentially a girl asking, please help girls.

3:09Like, what are we talking about at dinner with our long-term partners? And she went on to say that at a certain point after years of being together, you kind of just know everything about each other. So what the fuck are you going to talk about? And, you know, I think it's interesting because I will say, like, usually my day to day life, Matt and I don't have enough time to talk about all the things that we want to talk about. Like we don't run out of things to talk about. We both have really hectic jobs. We're going out. We're meeting new people. we're both so busy with our own routines and that kind of makes us come together at the end of the day and it's like pretty easy because there's just so much for us to discuss right but I have noticed that say we go on like a two-week vacation which is never but I guess just happened because it's the holidays but like if you are away together maybe or things are slowing down like for the holidays and you're just together 24 seven at home, let's say there is a lot less to discuss when you go and sit down for dinner because you literally just spent the whole fucking day together.

4:15You're like, we moved from the couch to outside. And then we took a little five minute walk to stretch our legs to go rot in bed again. Like we were together the whole time we brushed our teeth next to each other. So what do you talk about when dinner hits? Right. And so as I was scrolling through the comments on this girl's TikTok, I saw a lot of people who were struggling with the same thing. And it can lead to, I think, some feelings of anxiety, right? You're like, am I bored with this person? Should we just turn on the TV during dinner? Like, is there something wrong if we sit in silence? Has the spark died?

4:53And while I don't think necessarily that silence is a bad thing, I do feel like it can potentially be a red flag if it's happening all the time. It's great to be so comfortable with each other that like you can sit in silence, but it is also really easy to become complacent in long-term relationships. On topics like this, I obviously find it really helpful also to turn to people for advice who have decades more experience than I do. Like I'm coming to you fresh into like what, a two-year marriage? Like yes, Matt and I still have so much to talk about. We're not struggling. So I do think that I think, okay, who would have experience that could really fucking talk about this?

5:38And then I think about my parents who have been together for 40 years. Like, how do you not run out of things to talk about for 40 years? I actually am actually quite fascinated. And so I started doing some good old research so that we can go down a rabbit hole, right? And just, I wanted to hear from older couples who have dealt with this issue. And you guys, let me tell you what I've been up to today, okay? I ended up on a website called 60 and Me, okay? This is an online magazine for women who are over 60 years old, so you know. I'm not personally perusing this website often. To be quite frank, I didn't even know this fucking website existed.

6:18But let me tell you, they've got some really interesting things to say over here. The conversations that are happening on 60andme.com, this is not an ad. This is just a genuine, thank you, Sixty and me, for providing us absolutely hard-hitting research. So I came across this article called, Have You and Your Spouse Run Out of Things to Talk About? by Pam Lamp. And I'm going to read a little bit to you today. Here we go. In our younger days, I'd watch the older couples next to us in restaurants, and I'd vow we'd never be like them. Those folks who sat across from each other and ate their meals in silence.

6:59I'd nudge my husband. We won't be like them. That won't be happening to us. Well, never say never. As we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with white tablecloths, soft music, and menus loaded with French dishes, conversation lasted through cocktails. But after we gave our orders to the waiter, we struggled. How had we run out of things to talk about? Before kids and mortgages, our younger selves had a steady stream of thoughts we couldn't wait to tell each other. Now, we floundered. I wanted more, so we sought therapy. The therapist we visited did not think we were falling apart. Still, I winced when she used words like complacent and stale and stagnant to describe our relationship.

7:41It seems we expected our marriage to hum along in a happy rhythm without a lot of effort or energy on our parts. Our relationship craved a good shot of novelty, like humans are wired to do. We had gravitated towards activities requiring us to stretch ourselves the least. We chose restaurants where reservations and parking spaces were easy to come by. We hung out with those friends we knew the best, the comfortable ones, who were the most like us. But newness, it injects excitement and passion and brings couples back to life. Novelty, we discovered, didn't have to be on a grand scale. cooking new recipes or sipping coffee in a trendy neighborhood or watching a wildlife documentary all contributed to our relationships reboot.

8:25Nowadays, we are the older couple in restaurants, but we are talking. We converse about the long list of things we want to do and learn and how we can continue to grow together. I don't know about you guys, but I'm fucking crying. Okay, 60 and me, 60 and me coming through. Guys, if you told me OG color daddy days, like you're going to be quoting 60andme.com, bitch. I'd think it was like a sugar daddy site. I wouldn't think that it was wisdom. Okay. We've come a long way. And so clearly has this couple. Look at that transition. Basically, she also goes on to say in the article that she talks about how their next date night as a couple was rock climbing together.

9:10So you know what? Go, go Pam. Okay. We love to see it. I hope you are still thriving with your husband. But what I kind of took from reading this is that as human beings, it is natural for us to drift towards routine and familiarity in our lives. Trust me. I know that it is so much easier on a random Wednesday night to come home to your partner, get your favorite takeout, watch your favorite show that you've seen 19 fucking times, and maybe do your favorite sex position that night and just like be like, all right, calling it a night. Good night, sweetie. Quick kiss. We're done. And there is nothing wrong with that until it becomes the routine every week for Thursday night and then Friday night and then Saturday night.

9:53And then suddenly you look back and you realize you guys have been doing the same activities day after day after day over and over because the comfort is a lot easier than trying something different. Over time, if you keep going on like that, of course you're going to run out of things to talk about together because nothing new or exciting is ever happening between you two, right? But if we can prioritize trying new things together in a long-term relationship, then I think that spark really does start to come back to the relationship. So let's say one random Wednesday night, you guys turn off Netflix and go take a cooking class instead.

10:34There is now so much more for you to talk about that night, right? When you get home, you're like, babe, what did you think of the class? What was your favorite dish we made? What's the best meal that you've ever had in your life? Oh my God, live octopus. When did you eat live octopus? Wait a second. You've been to Korea? Like when you were 12, oh my God, why did your family go there? Oh my God, like you went with an ex-girlfriend? I'm going to fucking kill you. Tell me about her. What does she look like? Did you have better sex together? I'm just kidding. Don't go that route. But you know what I'm saying?

11:07And then even at the actual cooking class, you can be flirting. You can be people watching. You can be judging people. You can talk shit. You can have a good fucking time and bond together, right? I think when you and your partner, especially, I was thinking about this when I was preparing for this episode, it's like when you move in together, it becomes even more important that you two make this a priority because it's so easy to be like, oh, you know, we're nesting. We don't need to leave the house to see each other anymore. Like, this is perfect. We love it. Like, yay. hey, but then you're sitting on the couch staring at each other and it's like, wait, why are we now just the same person doing the same thing at the same time?

11:51Like what happened here? There is no foreplay of you getting ready and shaving and putting on a cute little outfit to like go see him. And I think this kind of leads to my next point because I have to say that yes, well, trying new things together is so important for the health of your relationship. it is also equally as important that you're trying new things on your own, daddy gang. In a relationship, you both need to be continuing to push yourselves individually to evolve and to change, right? Like you're not, who's interesting if they're not trying to like become better or change and evolve?

12:29Like, and I think it's important to have a commitment to growth from both partners. it's so vital to have long-term health for the relationship if that's if if that is what you are committed to I genuinely think you will have a prosperous relationship and that starts with maintaining your independence from my experience I have found that relationships start to get really stale when people become too intertwined in each other's lives and it's weird because you're like wait I thought that's the point of a relationship but it's like to a point like at first it feels sweet. Like, oh my God, they're my best friend.

13:05We love to do everything together. But then over time, that dynamic can take a toll on the relationship. We all know those motherfucking couples, right? Every weekend, they have the same socials calendar, right? Every dentist appointment, they're by each other's side. You plan a girl's night. Well, you know what? John George Joseph is coming right along. Oh, babe, I'm coming. It's like, no, it's just a girl's night. Oh, well, John George Joseph, what the fuck is that, is coming along, okay? Yes, that's one person. Their hobbies are the same. The shows they watch are the same. And all of a sudden, it's like, they've just become one person.

13:40Your social life should not entirely revolve around your partner. I'm not saying a majority can't be. I just think that, like, I do think it's beautiful to have shared interests with the person that you are dating or you are married to, absolutely. But it It is also necessary to prioritize maintaining your own individuality. I look back at relationships that I have been in and I wish I had been able to maintain some more independence in those relationships. In one of my past relationships that I ended up getting cheated on that I recently talked about, my partner's life had just become my life.

14:18Our days revolved around his schedule, seeing his friends, watching his movies, discussing his career, doing his favorite things. And I think that's a big reason why it felt impossible for me to leave even after he freaking cheated on me. Because having your own independence in any relationship is so important outside of just keeping the spark alive. It's also potentially imperative for your safety as a woman. If you stop prioritizing your individual friendships and make all of your friends just couple friends or his friends, who do you turn to for support when you break up? Or when maybe he doesn't have the right opinion.

14:58So you're like, oh, I needed a second opinion. Oh, wait, I've alienated myself. I don't have any friends anymore. How do you escape something toxic if you feel isolated to that person? How can you even picture a life outside of your partner if you're trapped fully inside of their world? And I'm not even saying sometimes it is intentional. Sometimes, you guys, this just happens. And sometimes it's not even a toxic situation. It just creeps up and you all of a sudden look around and you're like, oh my God, we don't interface with anyone anymore. We're just in our own bubble. And not only is it interesting and sexy when your partner has their own life and friends and hobbies going on, but it's also just healthier overall, especially as women in long-term relationships.

15:41I feel like being in a relationship does not mean the self-work just stops. if anything having a long-term partner is actually the perfect springboard to become even more curious and interested in learning more about the world as a whole because you do have someone to go home and bounce ideas off of it and be like oh my god look what i just did like this is so interesting and then be getting to share with your partner how fun you guys fell in love with each other as separate individuals so you need to continue to grow separately to keep that excitement and intrigue alive in the relationship. Of course you need to bond.

16:17Of course you need to have commonality. But if you completely lose yourself in the relationship, it's going to get stale. It's going to get so fucking boring, guys. So let's say you and your partner prioritize time apart and you prioritize new experiences together, right? Amazing. Great. We're on the right track. Now we're looking for that final step to make sure that you not only are actually communicating, but you're having good conversations together as long-term partners. I think this is a huge key because sometimes, and I think a lot of times, there's an imbalance in relationships. A lot of times I feel like you'll look at a couple and you're like, one person is more interested in growing and working on themselves.

17:04And the other person is kind of stagnant. And that is where it gets so complicated because one person is like, babe, come on, let's go, let's do it. And the other person's like, no, like I don't want to. That's where I think people start to either gain resentment or kind of slowly move apart from each other. And so I think when you're having conversations, even if let's say you are the one that's going out and being active, The big key to these conversations and keeping them interesting after years of being together is just to start asking each other better questions. And I know that sounds so simple.

17:43You're like, oh, no shit, Alex. No, no, no. Maintaining curiosity about your partner and engaging with them in bids for connection is pivotal to keeping that spark alive long term. listen I'm sure all of us have seen that weird trend on TikTok that's like hey babe I saw a bird today you know what I need to go do that to Matt tonight and basically the girl is going to the boyfriend being like babe I saw a bird today and then you can kind of decide how much the man is like interested in this woman and what she has to say because a lot of the men are like what the fuck is wrong with you or some of them are like what color was the bird what kind of bird.

18:25It's like, whatever you say, babe, I'm going to go along with it because I love you. And I actually am interested in whatever you're saying. So ideally your partner hits you with some fucking questions. Like I just said, like, where did you see the bird? What did it look like? If, and I know this is like the dumbest bare minimum example, but the point is if they are curious and open to engaging with you on any level of depth, then that opens the floor for more substantial conversation. Let's say you're sitting at dinner in silence trying to conjure up the strength to be like, where do we start tonight, babe?

19:05Just hit him with a few open-ended questions. It's this simple, you guys. Tell me about your workday. Explain your workday to me. What did you do? Tell me about a challenge that you were dealing with at work. Ask about things that you're, okay, I was going to say genuinely interested in, maybe you're not genuinely interested in his work, but you're genuinely interested in him. And that is his life. And that's what he was going through that day. So ask him about it. If all of a sudden you guys have these siloed lives where you've kind of just made it like, we don't want to talk about work together.

19:37I feel like a lot of people today in our day and age, like that's a lot of people's lives. So if you have no idea what's going on in your husband or your wife or your partner or your boyfriend, girlfriend's work lives, maybe start to ask it. And you don't have to ask if you don't want like, if they don't want to talk about the details, totally fine. Did you have a win today at work? Or what was stressing you out? How can I help you? I'm a sounding board. I'm here. Like try to let them unpack things with you. Also try to probe them for new stories. Like even if you have been with this person for what feels like a million years and you know, every freckle on their body, you could draw their fucking tattoos at this point.

20:19They're ingrained in your mind. Okay. There are still, I promise you stories that you have never heard from your partner with Matt. If we're on a, I, we've been on certain vacations where we're like, okay, we've hit week two. And like now we're sitting at dinner and we've been talking all day. Like there's nothing new to talk about. I will hit this man with some of the most random fucking questions I can think of. I am digging into the childhood friends. Tell me more about Jeremy. What's going on with him and his wife. What do you think's going on. Okay. And wait, who did you take to prom? No way.

20:50Oh my God. She's stunning. Wait, what did you wear for your, what was your first job? What did you wear for your first day of work? Do you remember? What did your mom pack you for lunch when you were a kid? Wait, no way. What was your favorite song in college? When was the last time you talked to your brother? What's going on with him? Um, what did you guys talk about? Literally, we will just go back and forth asking each other random shit on those type of nights where we're like, we kind of are out of shit to talk about. And let me tell you something. It's really fun because there's like a levity to it, but you're also connecting and learning more.

21:22Sometimes in the day-to-day of life, we're so busy with work and family drama and finances and friends and family and all that, you don't actually have time to have these dumb, fun conversations. And so I would suggest that you also, when there is silence, it can be a good thing where you're like, oh my God, wait, babe, we're both kind of like bored. What a fucking lovely luxury of a concept. Let's have a fun night. Let's play a game. Let's look up a game online and let's sit here and let's ask each other the questions from the game. You know what I mean? It's a privilege almost in moments to get bored with what's going on in the world.

22:01Also, I would like to shout out my parents lately because they have been doing this thing once a month that I think is so adorable and cute. And they started it when they were living back in Philly and now they have kept going with it now that they live in LA and they basically signed up for this speaker series and basically a speaker comes whether it's someone who has a book or has a project or just has something like interesting to say and then my parents go and it's all over different parts of LA and you'll get the email of where the event's going to be and they go to this speaker series together I'm fucking crying and picturing them in the car together, like excited for their speaker series.

22:40And then they sit together, hold hands. I made that part up. I don't know if they do that, but I fantasize they're holding hands. They're watching their speaker series and then they're getting in the car and they go have dinner after and they discuss the fucking speaker. Why is that the cutest thing I've ever fucking heard? Like my dad is retired recently. Like they're both acclimating to LA. They, they, they have that newness and now it's settling because they've been here for a few months and their speaker series is like their fun little thing that they do together. I'm emo. Like that's the cutest fucking thing.

23:13Okay. So it doesn't take you to be in your fucking sixties to go to a speaker series. If shit's getting stale with Robbie, sign up for the speaker series and get downtown and listen to a lecture about feminism and really see if he can fucking hang with you. Okay. Cause maybe also you should be dumping these motherfuckers if they're getting that bored. The point is find a hobby that you can actually enjoy together. That will also be interesting that you can learn about. Robbie. Okay. Your partner, I think, just to clarify, because I also know people like nuance is something we have lost in this world.

23:47And people are like, but what if, what if, listen, I get that your partner most of the times, yes, they should be your best friend. And yes, you should know a ton about them. You should share interests and hobbies and you should, of course, enjoy spending ample time together. They should be the person you spend the most amount of time with, but you also need to give each other some space to be your own people and your own person, right? The truth is in a healthy functioning relationship, silence is not always a bad thing. And I want to be very clear about that. I'm not saying if you're sitting at dinner and there's nothing to talk about, that's always a bad thing.

24:21Sometimes after a long, stressful day, nothing actually sounds better than laying on the couch with Matt, leaning back, closing our eyes and sitting together without saying a damn word. Ah, heaven. Being able to sit fully in silence together can be a sign of how close you are and how relaxed you can feel with each other. But my point today is when silence becomes the only option or it starts to feel lonely, that's when it's a problem. There are going to be silences in your relationship, some that feel good and some that you wish weren't there. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, also to clarify, they may just be a little flag to notice that you need to spend more time doing your own things or trying something new when you're together.

25:08Remember, there's a difference between comfort and complacency. But if you too have grown complacent, you don't need to freak over, oh my God, our relationship's over. We're complacent, babe. We've lost it. Time to move on. No, curiosity can easily bring the spark back as long as you are both willing to put the effort in. And that is a huge point, Daddy Gang. If he's not willing to meet you there, you have to also look at that. But if he is, great, ask good questions, try new things and enjoy learning about each other again. And to the TikTok girlies out there that were spiraling about this, report back and tell me if any of this was helpful and worked for you.

25:48Let me know if you guys obviously have any more questions about this topic. I think it's a good one, right? And I'm sure a lot of people went through ups and downs during the holidays and all the things. And so, yeah, write in. Tell me all of your problems. Tell me all your fears. And Big Al will try her darndest to solve them for you. so with that I've got the energy I think we can go to Paris I know we haven't been in a while I want to take you down I want to put you on a first-class flight I want to bring you to the Maldives then we're going to pop over to Japan then we're going to swing back over to London and then we're going to land in motherfucking Paris and we're going to do a little something called questions of the motherfucking week let's get into it okay