How to Handle the Holidays

0:00Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another cozy, cozy Sunday session with your father. I hope you guys are all having a lovely Sunday, relaxing, maybe getting ahead of a lovely Sunday, The holidays, you guys, literally so excited. Can't wait, right? Oh my God, oh my God, it's gonna be amazing. Like we have Thanksgiving coming up and then right around the corner is Hanukkah and then Christmas and then New Year's. It is quote unquote supposed to be the best time of the year. Emphasis on the supposed to be, which is why I kind of like to do a yearly PSA episode around the holiday season. If you have been with me for many years, you know I kind of do this often because I think it can be very, very, not only helpful for you, but also for me, this could also just be like a full episode where I'm just really doing this for myself and talking to myself and my family members, but hopefully this is relatable to you.

1:08I think it's important to do a little reality check around this time of year because we are kind of weeks out from all of the amazing, sometimes chaos beginning. And I feel like we can picture what our holiday is going to look like and we can easily get our hopes up. We think it's going to be like the Hallmark movies. We're going to have matching pajamas with our family, although that may be a nightmare to some people. Some people would like that, you know, big meals, presents, family time, laughter around the fireplace, hot cocoa, carolers. Like it's, you're like, okay, this is the time of year that I've been literally waiting for.

1:47Like this is my Pinterest board. Like this is it, Alex. Like I couldn't be more excited. And then we get to the moment that we've built up in our head and we're like, wait, why do I feel like low-key kind of disappointed and like a little letdown? Like this is literally not what I was envisioning. It's because the truth is, is that this time of year can be so disorienting and it can be a letdown. On paper, it's supposed to be the most joyful holiday season, but for a lot of us, it can be one of the hardest times of the year. And I promise you're not alone in feeling that way. I also want to make sure everyone knows, I don't think that I'm saying anything revolutionary, but I'm making sure that for the majority of people who are a little bit fucking sad and depressed during this time of year, you're not alone.

2:35If you are someone who has a perfect family and you're like, what are you literally talking about? I do have the picture perfect life around the holidays. This may not be for you. I have a fucking seed stuck in my tooth and no one's in the room with me. So like if there's a kernel in my tooth, no, it's not. And just pretend that you never saw that. Let's just pretend. Imagine I get through the whole fucking episode and I have a bunch of black shit in my teeth. Okay. But yeah, you may be someone that this doesn't apply to and that's completely fine. Anyways, for the other side of us that, you know, have struggled sometimes during the holidays, I want you to keep in mind, and this is just like a cozy reminder.

3:14every single advertisement, every Christmas song, every cozy movie, it is all designed to make you feel like the holidays are a time of just pure excitement and that everything is going to be magical and perfect. But trust me, most people's holidays do not look like that. If you're the person sitting here being like, why can't my family be like the rest? Babe, you're actually, you're actually the norm. Okay. You're actually not the outlier in this situation. You are 100 % the majority because the holidays can bring a lot of financial stress. It can bring loneliness. It can bring grief or highlight grief, right?

3:51Whether you're missing someone, maybe you're feeling left out or also just the more like common one, like you are so stretched thin with work and you're trying to keep up and then it's the holidays and it's like, oh my God, I feel like I am underwater. You could be dealing with family dynamics, travel plans, work deadlines, the list goes on, right? And somehow we are still expected to feel rested and joyful after all of the chaos. I just want to remind everyone, no one has a perfect family, no matter how good they may make it look. Everyone has something. Maybe your family is the loud and chaotic family.

4:32Maybe they are cold and disconnected. Maybe there is addiction going on in your household. Everything going on in your family just gets extremely elevated during the holiday season. And it can be so, so hard to go from building this up in your head of how excited you are to have a few days off of work and you think you're going to get to relax. And then your uncle says something offensive before dinner even fucking starts. And you're like, oh, cool, cool. Okay. Love that for me. God fucking damn it. Like you haven't even been able to catch a break for a second. And then it just all starts getting fucking thrown at you.

5:10And you're like, oh, I forgot. This is what the holidays is actually like. Like when it comes to family, I think my advice, and I don't know if this is me being like pessimistic, but it's the honest truth is like, I've seen it enough. I've done this show for long enough. And I have so many people that always write in just being like, I was so let down. I think when it comes to family, it can be healthy to slightly, I'm just saying slightly, not completely, but slightly lower your expectations, right? Because like how amazing if you go and be like, this is about to be shit. And then it's like, oh my God, my grandma didn't make a racist comment.

5:47My dad didn't get hammered. My mom wasn't a narcissist. My fucking cousin didn't like smack me in the head like there's so much beauty happening right now it's almost better to go in like that than rather expect the world and literally just get fucking shit on um but I think also something as I've reflected with my therapist is like something about the holidays obviously is just so nostalgia core coded right and I think a lot of times when we think about the holidays We feel like they should feel like they did when we were kids. And obviously that's not going to happen. So I think it can end up highlighting how different things are now than they were in your childhood, right?

6:36Circumstances change. People pass away. Relationships end. Families break up. Parents get divorced. Family dynamics shift throughout time. and to help us get through this I just want to highlight like on normal days as an adult you are not having to confront all of it at once right you are not in a room with all of these people and all of these triggers it's piecemealed throughout the year but then the holidays come and it kind of just slaps us in the face and it's like god damn my shit's so fucked like no And I think that is really when the sadness can creep in. You expect things to either look like they used to or you expect things to be different than they were.

7:20Like, how have we not grown as a family? How are we still fighting over the same thing that we did when we were five years old? Like, how is this happening? The overarching theme is the holidays most of the time do not live up to the expectations that we built up in our head, right? Like I said, I think the first step in surviving the holidays and actually having a chance to enjoy them is to stop trying to make them perfect. We cannot control what it's all going to be like, but we can control how we react. You already know what your triggers are with your family or the people you're going to be spending it with, right?

7:52Like maybe it's the way the energy shifts after your family has had that third round of drinks and everyone's always fighting. Or maybe your aunt who is always making a comment when you help yourself to seconds about your body. like you know it's going to come or maybe it's running into your hometown friends at the bar and like feeling left out and it's triggering you back to high school or middle school or whatever it be. My advice is as we get closer to all of this coming to a head, try to anticipate what that trigger is for you and recognize those things that year after year keep making you feel upset and just try to get ahead of it.

8:29Like literally just try to get ahead of it. Like, okay, I know this is going to happen. So one, how will I respond this year? And how will I respond in a way that will make my time happier and more enjoyable, right? And so maybe it's setting some boundaries. Maybe it's breaking patterns. Maybe it's breaking traditions. Like you have to decide for yourself. Every family is different. I could sit here for hours and just go through scenarios, but you, every single person listening right now, close your eyes. Don't do it if you're driving, but close your eyes. Even if you're at work, your boss is walking by.

9:03Hold on. Hold on, Ron. I need to lock in. Alex is telling me to locate the family trauma really quick. Hold on, hold on. I'll get you the sales report in one minute. Okay. Everyone close your eyes. What is the thing that you know is going to trigger you for the holidays? It came to, you're like, babe, how do I pick one? Alex, which one should I pick? Okay. We all have it in our head. Now for the next few hours, minutes, or days, start to just plan the shield around yourself of how you're going to try to not let that fucking ruin your holiday this fucking year. And I know it's really difficult to do because there's going to be circumstances that you cannot control, but I think just finding what works for you, right?

9:47It is okay to not have a perfect holiday and a perfect family that you know you see on Instagram but newsflash like most of the people probably posting how happy their family is on fucking holidays on Instagram are the most miserable because if you're really that happy are you on your fucking phone no I know some of the best holidays I've had with my family I'm like you guys we didn't post we didn't take a picture we did nothing because we were playing board games and cards and whatever and is like that's being present is a privilege during the holidays. Being able to be present and actually not wanting to be on your phone is a privilege because there's so much going on and so much trauma and so much baggage and history that it's really, really hard to just enjoy yourself.

10:36So just a little reminder, you know, and even if the people that are posting on fucking Instagram are actually happy, don't DM me. I'm trying to make everyone else feel good, okay? um try to just enjoy yourself I think is what I'm going to try to just instill within myself and for you guys and try not to let the romanticizing of this time of year let you down I had you guys write in specific questions about how to navigate the holidays because that's literally what's about to consume our fucking lives so if you're ready because I'm ready let's answer some questions of the motherfucking week. Okay.

11:12Let me get my, let me get the questions. Hold on.

11:32Okay. Question one. Hi, Father Cooper. My boyfriend invited me to spend Thanksgiving at his house and I'm meeting his entire family for the first time. I'm freaking out and want to be sure that I make a good impression. What should I do? What should I wear? Please help me. Oh my God. Okay. I mean, before we get into it, I think it's just like important to acknowledge that spending the holidays with a partner is a big deal and a big step in the relationship. Typically, I would assume that means you guys are getting more serious and you can see a legitimate future together, which is very exciting.

12:11I'm happy for you. My advice is just to also go into this like this is a good trial run to see how you would fit in with his family and whether or not you could picture being a part of each other's lives. Right. Like you get to experience their traditions up close and you could really learn a lot about their family dynamic. And so something to keep in mind, though, is like I just talked about, the holidays are a high stress, high tension time. Right. So I'm not saying that they should be like the most insane family and like give them a break for it. But like their behavior, just keep in mind, may not represent what they actually are like around the day to day.

12:51Right. Especially the holidays. Not every single interaction is going to be perfect. there will probably be some awkward or tough moments. There could be a family fight. And so just remember to give both yourself and their family a little bit of grace. Okay. So now let's talk about the very basic steps of like how to make a good first impression. And we can also get into actual conversations and interactions that you should be having while you're there. My first piece of advice, very simple, very basic, but like absolutely necessary. you need to bring a gift, okay? This does not have to be an elaborate, expensive situation, but you should never, ever, ever show up to someone's Thanksgiving dinner or someone's home, in my opinion, completely empty-handed when they are hosting you.

13:38Some safe and foolproof gifts are things like a cute scented candle, a fruit basket, a bottle of wine if the family drinks, or since it is Thanksgiving, you could ask your boyfriend, like, hey, do they need me to cook anything if you're a cook, sweetie? If you don't cook, I wouldn't use this as an opportunity to try to make a pumpkin pie for the first time. Maybe lay off. Maybe this is where self-awareness kicks in and it's like, maybe don't try to make the stuffing. Just bring a fucking candle. But if you do, maybe bake a pie. Maybe that's something you're really good at and you could show off, right?

14:18Like bring a dessert, bring something extra. Literally anything that you walk in with is thoughtful, right? Like I said, it's a big deal to be included in someone's holiday. So I think just making sure you're constantly being like thankful. I know that sounds literally like you're like, I don't need to suck up to these people. Saying thank you a good amount of times gets you some high regard, sweetie. Now don't be a fucking over the top bitch where they're like, Jesus Christ, we get it. You're fucking thankful. Well, that is what this holiday is about. So keep that in mind. I'm just so thankful to be with Marty's family today.

14:49And they're like, shut up, Christine. And you're like, oh, fuck. Don't be annoying. Like, chew try hard. You gotta, you gotta, that's the beauty of self-awareness is like, find that middle ground, sweetie. And it ain't easy to find. So you gotta feel it. You gotta really be in your body this Thanksgiving with your partner. Can we talk about outfits? Dressing for Thanksgiving can be a little bit tricky. I know personally, you know, I love to stuff my face. I'm going in for seconds, thirds and many more rounds for Thanksgiving dinner. So I personally would like to wear a pant that is elastic, right?

15:21There's no buttons or if there's buttons, I'm unbuttoning them at the fucking table. But, you know, I feel like a lot of families aren't casual for Thanksgiving. It is kind of fun to dress up anyways, although I'm like, let's just do sweats. And my whole family's always like, no, Alex, like put on a skirt. I'm like, oh, but I do think you can kind of never go wrong with like a pant, a loafer and a little cute sweater, like a skirt sweater combo. But overall, you do not want to feel uncomfortable. And a lot of families have a lot of traditions around this type of dress code situation. So if I were you, ask your boyfriend, like, can you tell me what your mom or your sister or any of like the women like usually wear?

16:02Or how about, actually, this could be a great conversation starter depending on how close you are. do you know his sister? Does he have a sister? That would be maybe a good time to text her and be like, hey, like just wondering what you're wearing. But do not wear a crop top. Do not probably don't have your tits out, right? Like it's just, it's just the things that you want his grandma to see. And you know, to each his own. If you want to go clubbing outfit, do your thing. I just wouldn't personally recommend it. This is a family gathering. OK, keep it together, Janice. You and your boyfriend, I also would say to set yourself up for success, talk to him about all the people that you're going to be meeting before you walk into this house.

16:47Right. We got we got a lot of weird people. We got a we got a lot of freaks in families and we love the freaks, but you got to know the freaks. You got to have, you got to, you got to get your bearings. And I would think it's nice of your boyfriend to not let you get your initial bearings while you're just out there raw dogging it alone, right? Your boyfriend should kind of be giving you that, like the mean girls moment where it's like the, these people at this table are like this. And this group is like this, like, give me the lay of the land, John. Like, I want to know what I'm getting myself into.

17:22Like, oh, aunt Betty isn't invited this year. And oh, yeah, Uncle fucking Jerry, he's probably going to make an inappropriate comment about your boobs and just stay strong, you know. And oh, yeah, my dad will absolutely be tanked. But like, just keep it moving. Oh, yeah. And by the way, my aunt Gertrude, she's definitely going to fucking hit on you. And you're like, wait, your aunt Gertrude. He's like, oh, yeah, a finger under the table may come. You got to just boundary that shit up, cross the legs. And you can you can say something. You can say Gertrude, Gertrude. Yep. Keep the fingers to yourself.

17:54Like he's going to tell you because he's been there since day one with these freaks. He's been there. He's been there when one of them got the fucking, you know, DUI. He's been there when the medics came because fucking Franny thought it would be fun to jump off the fucking roof into the snow and then broke her bones. This is this is your worst case. and imagine if he's like, oh yeah, like my mom can just be a little talkative. Oh, marry him, okay? But most of the time, there is an Aunt Betty. There is an Uncle Jerry. I don't know if there's an Aunt Gertrude, but you get what I'm fucking saying, okay?

18:35So really try to get your boyfriend to give you the down low before you're in and around because that's the beauty. Then you can be like watching for all these dynamics, but you can be on guard. You can be on motherfucking guard and you can kind of show up because you're like, oh, this one's trigger is this. I'm going to absolutely be good with this woman. Do you know what I'm saying? Like have a little bit of your repertoire stacked, ready to go. But yeah, I feel like it also is just like make such a bad impression. If you are not talking a lot, I get you can be shy, but you don't want to go in there and like barely engage with his family because you're trying not to fuck up and then they're going to be like okay like you literally brought a girl that's just like being fucking mute all night like you want to let them get to know you to a certain degree so yes share some things about yourself don't over share because then they're like jesus christ she's obsessed with herself there is no winning but this is what i will tell you talk right talk share a couple things about yourself but this is the silver this is that little this is this is the actual sweet spot when you go to someone's thanksgiving all you have to do to be a winner is ask people about themselves tell me about you we okay so how okay we and you and kyle are obviously cousins right okay yeah so we and we so you guys grew up together we tell me oh my god he i think he mentioned that we and so you guys went to the same oh you went to different schools wait so would you have sleepover stop did you guys like do this like have you guys been together for every Thanksgiving.

20:13Oh my gosh, what's your favorite memory? No way. And so Kyle obviously decided not to go to college. Are you in college? Oh, you're in college. Okay, cool. Like, does he ever visit you? You just, you just, you ask people about themselves and the narcissist everyone is. Oh, they're going to be like, I am so obsessed with your girlfriend, Kyle. She is a delight. Now, if Kyle was like, tell me one thing about her, they'd be like, oh, Now in hindsight, I can't really think about much because, well, and then it's like, oh, they talk about themselves the whole time and you were just there to help them go through all of this Freudian stuff.

20:51They start trauma dumping on you. Oh, lean in, Christine. Christine, when that family starts trauma dumping, now don't add to it and don't gossip, but just, oh, tell me more. Oh God, that must have been hard. How are you feeling? Blah, blah, blah. That's it. That's it. Okay? And then also, if you want to really be like, oh, you're getting a ring at the end of this, offer to help out in cleanup crew. Oh, cleanup crew, aisle 10. Boom. You start scrubbing a dish for this family. You're literally, you have now the choice if you want to marry Kyle or not, because his whole family is going to be like, Christine, through and through, top tier, top notch, grade A bitch.

21:34Way to go, Kyle, because you never pick them right. so I mean that was a long one but you know what I'm saying is like you are going to be fine and you just have to stick to you got this you're gonna be fine um okay next question hi daddy I need your help my husband and I always spend Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with his Christmas is extremely important to my parents and we have tons of traditions we do together but this year my mother-in-law has decided she wants us to spend Christmas with them instead and it's causing a ton of drama my side of the family is upset his side of the family is upset and I feel totally stuck in the middle what should I do oh wow okay this is really difficult because I feel like this is one of the biggest things in families that can obviously cause conflict is deciding who's hosting, who's going.

22:33And I think as we get older, there's so many sides to each family. Like it's like, first it's your immediate. And then one person gets married and then another, and there's all these different in-laws and all these extended families. And it gets really confusing. I guess my question back to you would be like, what has changed that his family now randomly wants to start hosting Christmas? Clearly this, it seems like there's been no drama and it's kind of been like this like perfect balance of like Thanksgiving with them Christmas with yours and I guess I would just ask like did something happen that made them want Christmas I also would say not to be a dick because I think this is fair like okay well then if they get Christmas then you should get Thanksgiving right because it's like now you're not going to take both huge holidays and they his family just own them right like there needs to be a trade-off.

23:24My biggest suggestion though when it comes to this kind of stuff is you need to just get on the same page with your husband and I think what you can do is open it up to him of like hey I know that we've done thank Christmas with my family every single year and I know your mom is pushing for this your dad is pushing for this but like what do you what do you feel about it because maybe he'll come to you've been like honestly like I've been really struggling because I know how much we are already ingrained in this part of the family with your family and like this tradition. But I would like to like have one of the Christmases with my family, which I think is so fair.

24:01You just have to talk about it. But then there also needs to be again, a give and take. So if you if he came to you and was like, this is something that like now in hindsight, like I do want to spend a Christmas with my mom or my dad or all those things and my siblings, whatever, that is not only is that fair, that is so normal, right? Because it clearly you guys aren't merging. So I do then think that it's like, okay, then this is a conversation to be had about how can we then do something with my family for Christmas? I know that this sounds like a lot, you guys, but as you continue to grow your family outside of just your immediate and people are getting married and there's all these different in-laws, there needs to be sometimes two of things, right?

24:42Like maybe you're doing Christmas Eve and you're celebrating Christmas and then on Christmas, you're going to his family. Like it almost is kind of like how divorce works a little bit, right? It's like my family, your family. And it's lovely, obviously, if people can all come together. But realistically, if you have more than one sibling or in all these dynamics, everyone then like my brother has in-laws now, right? Like Matt has siblings who have in-laws. So all of a sudden there's all these different families. The immediate families coming together is not really a thing as much anymore. At least like I know in my dynamic, we have so many fucking people that you kind of have to pick and choose like where you're going per just you and your couple because all your siblings and everyone are doing a bunch of different things with also their in-laws.

25:32And you kind of have to see, can we coordinate? And if not, great. sorry this is getting so into the weeds I know this is really difficult but yeah my advice would be you need to have a trade-off you can't now just give his family every fucking holiday that's not fair so I get why your family would be upset but I do think you don't now need to just leave your family high and dry if this is something that would be fair to give your husband's family then how are you guys going to make it up on your side of the family again whether you do something with your family on a different day, or whether you end up doing Thanksgiving with your family.

26:08It's really difficult. And I think it's going to be an ever evolving process because then it's like, which family member has kids first? And then there's like the grandchildren and it's like, it is never ending. So yeah, that is why it is kind of nice to be married to a man who is Jewish because I have all of the Catholic holidays and then Matt's family gets all of the Jewish holidays and it's like, boom. And then there's Thanksgiving, which is always then now rotating, which is very fun. Okay, next.

26:56I am the oldest in my family and I feel like I'm the least ahead in life. I don't have anything close to my dream job. I still live with my roommates and even though all of my siblings are in long-term relationships, I'm still single. I'm really dreading Thanksgiving because I know everyone is going to ask me a million questions and make me feel like I'm a failure. I also am stressed because I'm going to be watching everyone in these dynamics and I'm just going to be alone. what should I do it's so hard it's so hard because again like what you're saying in this which I have such empathy for is like you're basically saying I am aware that in comparison to my siblings and their lives I'm at a very different point I wouldn't even say you're behind okay don't say you're behind you're just at a very different point, right?

27:48And so you're probably not thinking about this Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday even. You may not think about this a lot, but a lot of times, obviously, like I said at the beginning of this episode, when you are experiencing the holidays in a way that is all-encompassing, which is most of us, you can't help but go down every rabbit hole of, oh my God, okay, so this one is in a relationship and they've been together and now they're going to be talking about wedding dresses and I don't want to be there. And so like you're being faced with the comparison and you're also with your siblings who you've literally known since birth.