How to Love Being Alone

0:00Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy. I am currently in the Unwell studios in New York City. it is a sunday and it's actually very rainy and cloudy outside so i'm channeling this gorgeous cozy energy sitting with you i'm like i'm the bitch that like wants it to be fall even when summer starts and i feel like it's now finally becoming fall we're in september so i'm happy Sunday morning, Father's calling. Every Sunday's Father's Day. That was pretty good, right? I have something I want to do that's a little different today, which is I have been reading a lot of different articles and think pieces on Substack.

0:53If you guys don't know what Substack is, it's how I would describe it is a healthier, more feminized version of Reddit and Twitter. It's like a happy place for women and it's people are kind and nice over there. So I've been loving it. And I found this one article that I saved that I kind of just wanted to read today with you guys and then dissect it a little bit and talk about it because I think I really related to it when I read it. and I hope that you also do too. So the article is called The Art of Enjoying Your Own Company by this guy, Hasif. He has a lot of great articles. You can check him out.

1:29And basically, this entire article isn't about being okay alone. It's about learning to love it. So here we go. We grow up believing that happiness is something shared, that joy is incomplete unless someone is clapping for it beside you, that every outfit, every meal, every plan is a little sad if no one else is involved in it. No one teaches us how to sit beside ourselves without flinching. No one teaches us that alone doesn't always mean missing. Sometimes it means returning, returning to yourself. Enjoying your own company begins where people pleasing ends. When you stop molding your identity around who's watching, when you realize your value isn't being proven in conversations, plans, or relationships, it's already there.

2:18It's already you. And suddenly your own presence doesn't feel like a punishment. It starts to feel like a place you want to come home to. But let's not lie about it. This kind of ease doesn't happen naturally. It has to be built. And the truth is, at first, it sucks. Because the first stage of being alone is never joy, it's detox. But once you cross that terrifying threshold, you realize being with yourself was never the backup plan. It's the relationship you were always meant to come home to. It's the whole damn point. And from that place, everything changes. You stop reaching out just to be chosen.

3:02You stop shrinking just to be liked. You stop tolerating one-sided conversations, performative friendships, or breadcrumbed love, not because you've become colder, but because you've become warmer to yourself. Enjoying your own company is not a chapter. It's a foundation. It's the garden you built so that when love arrives, it feels like sunlight, not oxygen. Oh my God. who are we on Call Our Daddy? If you showed me this clip seven years ago, I would have been like, that has to be AI. That is AI, right? I'm not reading a gorgeous, essentially, poem that is uplifting our brains and our minds and our souls.

3:43Yeah, we're growing, Daddy Gang. I hope that was as inspiring as it was for me when I was reading it. I felt so connected to this piece because I think I have been feeling and I go in waves and I've always said this and I know everyone watching does too like you go in waves with how much you feel comfortable being alone you also go in waves with how obsessed you are with social media and the scrolling culture and how much you're partaking in it and I just think this piece which I kind of really wanted to dissect is like that concept of the detox that this person wrote about. I cannot agree more that it feels so lonely.

4:29Like I think when people come on a podcast or write a book and they're like, you should want to be alone. You should love yourself. No one really talks about how uncomfortable it can really be in the beginning to lean into enjoying time alone, daddy gang. Again, because I think in this generation right now, it's actually kind of deemed weird if you're alone or you're not on your phone or you didn't see what they posted. What do you mean? How did you not see it? And it's like to be kind of detached and present, it's a whole thing that no one talks about and it's not glamorized. It's actually kind of poo-pooed because if you're not socially in the know, then what?

5:09You're a loser. and I think this detox is hard because you're essentially going against the grain of your family or your friends or your peers and that feels taboo right but in reality I think it's so fucking healthy and I think sometimes it can drive you to feel small when you start to kind of like isolate yourself and you're like okay I'm not going to open social media I'm not going to reach out to my friends I'm going to have a Friday night alone and I think why sometimes when you detox from feeling like you need to constantly be in the know with the friends and on social media and you can't just be alone.

5:44You feel so small in those moments because you're faced with your reality. When you're alone, you have to do something. And most of the time doing something in that silence is look inward. When you're watching a movie, even sometimes you'll self reflect. How can I relate to that person? Right. But then sometimes we just pick up our phone and we need double stimulation. And it's like, no, pause. What is this eliciting for you? What is this piece of art making you feel like we have to start to think about how we're feeling about ourselves or what's been going on and what's our family trauma? And are we in a fight with our friend?

6:18And why did we get in a fight with our friend? And is our boyfriend treating us like shit? And then this whirlwind of emotion hits us when we're alone and we're like, no, no, no. I'm going to go back on TikTok and scroll. This is too much. It's too much. And I think what I love that this person wrote is like this detox really includes sitting in silence with that uncomfortability and pushing through because the end result is actually you are building this most beautiful relationship with yourself where you're actually working on the one relationship that matters the most in your life which is the one that you have with yourself.

6:52I also loved how they talked about you know like how we feel this need to be perceived and we live in this culture, understandably, that's like, you know, pictures where it didn't happen. And we curate our perfect Instagram stories to prove to others that, you know, we're not alone and we want to get validated. Or even if you are alone, you're not alone because you're going to get validated by all your followers that, oh my God, that picture of your matcha is so fucking cute. And it's like, drink the matcha maybe once out of 10 times. Let's start with that. And don't post it. Maybe it tasted actually better.

7:25Maybe you actually enjoyed your time more at the cafe than instead of having your head in your phone. I think I've realized, and especially with my job being on social media, sometimes it's like retraining our brains, daddy gang, that we do not need this like constant external validation. How incredible when you start to just validate yourself. And I think a lot of times, again, we weren't taught this when we were younger. It's like, what do your friends think about you? What did your teacher say about you? What are your parents saying about you? Like how many likes did it get? And it's like, how do you feel?

7:58How do you feel about yourself when you wake up in the morning? How do you feel about the walk you took or the book you read? And if you're constantly looking for people's commentary and their validation on it, you're essentially stripping yourself of any autonomy over your life. And when you start to be back in the driver's seat of your life, you start to realize you're such a more confident person. yeah maybe you have to go through the detox and trudge through and be like holy fuck I never spend alone time I'm so disconnected from my emotions I'm so addicted to my phone like the other day I was so annoyed with myself I was sitting in my bed and I had about two hours in between a bunch of meetings that I was having in New York City and I have been exhausted a good exhausted like I'm busy I've got a bunch of meetings but I was exhausted and a part of me was like I should take a nap I should take a nap this is probably going to be way more advantageous for me and my soul and my career and the rest of my day if I just take a nap and then I naturally what do you think I did I started scrolling instead and I'm scrolling and I'm scrolling on TikTok and I start to just have this like light tinge of anxiety but I cannot stop scrolling and obviously now having so many different conversations and getting through my job to have conversations with a lot of these different platforms like this is the goal they're literally putting like crack into this app so you can't get off of it and I stopped myself and I'm like I just downloaded this book on my kindle that I have been desperately wanting to start to read and I'm putting it off because I'm like I'm gonna be on vacation soon I'll just start it on vacation but I was like Alex put your fucking phone down and open the book I know once I open the physical book and I start reading this I'm going to feel more fulfilled I'm going to feel enlightened I'm going to feel connected to myself I'm going to escape into this world that's like going to bring things up for me and I'm going to be learning something and I'm going to be interested and I'm not going to have that tinge of anxiety and it took me I'm not kidding you guys a full hour where I was scrolling, going back and forth in my mind.

10:08And finally, I literally threw my phone across the bed. I picked up my Kindle and I started reading. I was in such a better mood and then I fell asleep. And I woke up and I was like, oh my God, if I didn't put my phone down, I would have kept scrolling until my next meeting. And I just feel like I'm constantly going back and forth. And so I can imagine, that's why I'm talking about it with you guys. We are constantly being drawn into this social media world 24 seven that is trying to get us to engage and engage and engage and what it's really doing and it's essentially making you dissociate from your own reality I'm watching these girls and their perfect life and all the things and the juices and the Pilates and the workouts and the trips and all the things and it's like I know I have I have participated in that culture too right we're all posting these great things that we're doing but most of the time we're consuming it by sitting in our fucking bed and feeling like shit so i think that validation i'm constantly trying to check myself to be like i'm gonna find nothing within this app right now put the fucking phone down alex and read a goddamn book

11:34something I also was thinking about when I read this piece was kind of this PSA I almost now want to give. And it got me thinking that I would really urge anyone in the daddy gang listening, if you can, and I understand there's like a financial component to this, but if you have the ability at some point in your life before you are engaged and you go to get married, if you can live alone, it is one of the best gifts that you can truly ever give yourself. And again, I know there's a financial component and I want to be mindful of that. I know sometimes that's not financially possible. But if at any point in your life before you get married, you have the capability to do that, I would highly, highly, highly recommend doing it.

12:20Because what I found when I lived alone, in my opinion, is that alone time at first, it can be disorienting. Like I remember one of the first time I lived alone out of college was in New York city during the pandemic and I was so excited to move into this place and the beginning was so fun I decorated it how I wanted it to I would spend hours online on Pinterest kind of creating this world romanticizing in the herbal like the herbal tea and the incenses and the candles and the throw pillows and the you're like oh my god this is gonna be the cutest fucking chicest thing ever and then you do it and you achieve your apartment and then you sit there and it's a Wednesday night and you don't have plans and you're not talking to anyone and you're alone.

13:14And the idea of this gorgeous apartment, I will be honest, I had a lot of moments where I was like, I'm kind of lonely. Like I'm just sitting here and I'm kind of lonely. And the itch to just go and to hang out with someone or text someone or FaceTime someone always crept up on me. and I would do that. I would throw myself into that and then I got to a point where I was living alone where I actually was able to be like, I am going to do a self-care night and I'm not gonna post about it. I'm gonna be with myself in my amazing space that I've curated for myself and I'm going to enjoy it. And so I would take a bath.

13:52I would read a book. I would watch one of my favorite shows. I would, I'm gonna say the J word, I would journal. I would do these things. I would make myself dinner. And all of a sudden, slowly, I started to fall in love with myself. I know as corny and cheesy as that sounds, I really would get excited for my alone nights. And I then started to get precious about it. Sometimes I would even cancel plans. And it wasn't because I was like too tired for work just being like, I just need to be alone, but really I'm just going to scroll all night. No, no, no. It was because I had literally a date with myself where I was like, oh, I'm so doing my bath, my full shaving routine.

14:31I'm doing my skincare. I'm going to cook. I have this new thing that I got at the grocery store. And it was heaven, but it was so fucking uncomfortable in the very beginning. And so living alone with yourself forces you to go through all of these waves of emotion. You will feel loneliness. You will feel a little bit disconnected in moments. And that is okay. It's good because the opposite is you're never alone and you live and you live with all these people and then all of a sudden you go and you get married and you never be alone unless you make that alone time again you can live with people but are you being alone while you're living with the people you can have alone time while you have a partner but are you actively putting yourself into that position and so you have to look at it it's like this alone time when you are living by yourself or you are alone in whatever capacity that looks like for you.

15:21The biggest lesson I learned while I was living alone is when you are forced to be alone through difficult moments, whether it's something really horrible happened to that day, whether you're struggling in your relationship and you're crying in your room, there becomes this resilience that you start to pick up because by while you're alone and if you force yourself to try to handle things that maybe you in the past were able to run into your living room to your friend and be like, look what he just said. What do I do? Or pick up the phone and call your mom or your friend or whoever. All of a sudden, if you start to force yourself to be in those feelings, to actually start to have to work through what is this bringing up for me?

16:07Why am I so upset? Why am I so hurt? Why am I crying? Why am I reacting this way? You start to have to process all of these internal things that a lot of times externally on the surface you can solve with people around you but it's still just a band-aid when you're alone you're deep in your fucking soul in your core being like how am I going to get myself through this and why is this so painful and that builds fucking strength and the more you get your reps and having to rely on yourself not in an unhealthy way because I know there's people that grew up and you had to rely on yourself. I'm talking about finding the good balance of being like, oh, I fucking love myself.

16:46I trust myself. I know myself as uncomfortable as it is. That's when you're going to become the best version of yourself. And to kind of wrap up and summarize all of this of why being alone is so helpful for your individual growth. I think the final point I want to make, Daddy Gang, is when you get to that point where you trust yourself, you love yourself, you know yourself because of the alone time you're spending with yourself, you start to be more selective in your life. And I have personally experienced this. When you find that rhythm with yourself, you start to be like, I don't need to externally go to the dinner and find more friends and go to the thing and call people and be on social media and read these things and be all consumed by other than yourself because you're good with yourself.

17:37So when you do invest your time, it's because you get to be selfishly like do I actually want that because I'm good with myself so this is an additive in my life where prior you're going to fill this validation hole you're going to do this for validation you're going to do this because you're too afraid to be with yourself you're going to do this because you want to avoid being lonely you're not lonely you're just physically alone and I think a huge part that I realize is you really stop tolerating performative friendships. I think every year that I keep getting older, I'm realizing like, I used to go to these dinners and I used to sit there and I would just be like, I don't feel as connected to this person anymore, but I have to go to the dinners, right?

18:24And it's like, no. Build off of the relationships that truly fill you up and are truly healthy and make you feel good and are reciprocal like you get things from them they get things from you like you will start to be more selective daddy gang and your time is all that fucking matters in this life how are you investing your time stop wasting it on bullshit stop wasting it watching some girl that makes you fucking jealous on social media start building yourself up start feeling more confident in yourself and that starts with you doing it on your fucking own you don't need your friend to tell you You're beautiful and you're pretty and you're successful and you're smart and you're all the things that you hope you hear from someone one day.

19:08Tell yourself. Embody it. Be it. And that is when you actually have true, true freedom. Because you're good on your own. So I also loved the line, and we can end with that, is enjoying your own company is not a chapter. It's a foundation. This is not a feeling that it's going to be quick and fun. this is for the rest of your life people go through heartbreak people people lose people people die you move across the country you break up with friendships so much turnover happens in our lives but the one constant is ourselves so you better be really fucking comfortable with yourself because while you're going through all the hardest fucking things in your life if you're able to turn inward to yourself in a healthy way not a coping mechanism way not a hyper independence way where you're just like I have to do this on my own no it's where like oh I got this doesn't mean you don't need people doesn't mean you shouldn't call your mom or your friend but you're doing it because you're like I have how I feel about this I want to get another opinion on this it's not I can't deal with this on my own so I have to call this person no no get your shit together daddy gang you are enough for yourself lean the fuck in okay I hope you like that TED talk.

20:21We are now going to do some questions because I have been, I don't know if it's time of year. I don't know if it's because fall is creeping up on us, but I have been inundated with questions recently and I really wanted to do some TLC together and get you guys right where you need to be. So let's go to France, bitches. Here we go. Question one. Hi, daddy. Would love your thoughts. I have been seeing a guy from Hinge for about 10 days. We've had three long dates, sleepovers, no sex, but some hooking up. He's followed me on IG, brought me a small gift and made it clear he was really into me. Last night I asked if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said yes.

21:05It stung even though we just started seeing each other. Am I crazy for being upset and wanting to be exclusive already or am I crazy for still wanting to date him after that? okay being blunt yes you're crazy for wanting to be exclusive already you've known this man for 10 days I would go as far to say you don't know his middle name you don't know much about him other than there is a great initial spark which is so relatable and I have experienced this before where it's like lightning in a bottle those first two weeks and it's so fun my thought is I have been there also where you're feeling in the moment there's such an incredible connection with someone that you're seeing.

21:49So when you find out they're still hooking up with other people, it fucking hurts. I don't care if it's irrational. I don't care if it's you, you overthinking that you guys have this great connection. Like it's normal to feel like that. Like, fuck, we've had the best dates. We've had the best conversations. Like, yeah, that fucking hurts to know that he was inside of someone last night. Like it fucking hurts. What I will say is I actually really appreciate that he was honest with you. He didn't offer up this information out of random on a date being like, yeah, this bitch I fucked last night. You asked him, are you sleeping with other people?

22:22And he was honest with you. So I think you have to look at that where I have dated so many fucking men that they would never be honest. And then I would find out like a year later that they were completely lying. And then they actually went on to cheat on me. So it was like, oh, you couldn't be honest before we were exclusive. So why the fuck would you be honest while we were exclusive? So points for him for being honest, even though it hurt. Here's what I will say. I think the only option for you is you could go back and be honest and say, hey, I have had such a fun time having these great dates with you.

22:59I will be straightforward, though, that when I did ask if you were sleeping with other people. I was kind of surprised by my reaction internally. Like I was upset that you're sleeping with other people. And I realize that's not okay because we are nowhere close to dating. We've gone on three dates. They've been awesome. But I guess what I will say is I do really like our vibe and where this is going. And so all I will ask moving forward is that you do keep that same level of honesty with me throughout the rest of us talking. Because as much as it sucked to hear, it is what I needed to hear to like keep me in line.

23:39And I think if I'll be honest, like you getting me that gift, it fucked with my head a little bit. And so I just want to be honest where we're at. I still want to talk to you and hang, but I was a little thrown off. And hopefully his response is like, I am so sorry. Also, I need to know what the gift is. Like, did he buy you coffee. Don't lie to me. You're like, he got me the most incredibly delicious gift. I was like, did he buy you a fucking latte? You whore. Like you're like, yeah, he got me a fucking water bottle while we were at Walmart. Like, no, no. If he's getting you like jewelry, crazy.

24:13But if he got you like flowers, I actually think that's okay too. Like maybe he's just being, trying to be a sweet guy. The point is, daddy gang is beginning days of relationships are so fucking difficult because no two people ever move at the same speed one person is always going to catch feelings faster and so the way to actually have it be a potentially healthy future is you have to be so fucking upfront and honest and communicate but also you have to also be self-aware and do the opposite in moments to realize you don't always have to be like I really wish you weren't having sex with other people.

24:51You can feel that, but maybe you can not say that after 10 days of knowing this man, because you may come off actually as the one that's trying to progress it too quickly and you're going to scare him away. Let things progress naturally, even if it hurts a little bit knowing he's still out there hooking up with other women. Okay, next question. Daddy, please help. I'm 23 and recently started my first job as a nurse. My manager is horrible and treats me like I'm a clueless child. She talks down to me in front of patients, nitpicks everything I do, and clearly doesn't respect me because I'm young.

25:26I know I should stand up for myself, but I have zero confidence when she's around. How do I deal with a toxic boss without risking my job? Okay, first of all, I want to validate you when you just said I have zero confidence when she's around because I'm nervous to stand up for myself. That is normal. And I want to normalize that. Like when people are like, oh, well, just blah, blah, blah. No, no, no. This person holds the keys to your career right now. And so there is a power imbalance that is happening. It is so fucking difficult to navigate these moments. So I am sorry you're dealing with this, especially being a nurse.

26:00You're trying to help people. And the fact that your supervisor above you is treating you less than, it's not okay. So if you guys watched my Hulu documentary, I think it was actually really beautiful. A lot of the biggest takeaways that you guys wrote into me was, oh my gosh, the gift that your mom gave you of teaching you to write everything down. And I couldn't agree more. Shout out to Lori Cooper. My mom, my entire life has always said, write it down. You need to write every bit of information down. The moment she makes you feel uncomfortable, the moment she's being rude, you need to write it in your phone.

26:40or a lot of times if I'm being crazy, like legally it's actually better to write it on a physical piece of paper, but write it down. And you need to be very specific every single moment because what's going to happen, and I hate to say this, is this is your career and someone is treating you unfairly in the workplace. This is eventually potentially gonna get to a case for HR. And I know that's really scary, but because there's a power imbalance, unfortunately you need to make sure you have ample enough evidence if there is going to be a dynamic change. So first is write everything down. Secondly, I would say, I think something that we have to remember, and it sucks because sometimes we're not always met with the answer that we want, because understandably, other people are in tough positions because their job is lying to, but share this with your coworkers.

27:29I remember back when I was in college, a big thing that I struggled with when my coach was sexually harassing me was I'm in a competitive situation, right? My teammates who are wanting my position and I'm wanting their position, like it was hard to open up to certain teammates, but it was easier for others. And I'm happy that I did that because those people stood up for me in the end. And then some women didn't, you know what I mean? And that's their prerogative. But I think for you, find your allies. You're not asking them to do anything almost. You're just asking them to hear you out and to listen to you.

28:06Because then when HR has to get involved one day, you will say, this person and this person have, I've shared this with them and I've confided in them and they have witnessed it, just so there's some witnesses. And when you're in the room and this woman is doing this to you, you can make eye contact with your coworkers and they can acknowledge, oh yeah, here it goes again. So make some allies, share what's going on. And then the next step I would say is I don't even I wouldn't even say this is like giving someone the benefit of the doubt but I think this is something that my parents have also instilled in me and as uncomfortable as it is and as hard as it is I want to vouch for you right now and validate you and say it's so fucking hard but I think you should have a conversation with your boss and it's going to be uncomfortable and it's going to be awkward and you are going to feel emotional but you need to advocate for yourself because this will only help you in the long run with your career and learning to have difficult conversations in power dynamic imbalances and her response to what you come with that's on her we can't control if she's going to be inappropriate and rude again but you can control yourself so that you can again write it down that you went and you asked for this woman to just treat you fairly and she couldn't do it and I had written down when I was preparing this episode for you, I thought something that you could say literally verbatim, because I know this is a very sticky situation, is you could sit her down and say, hey, I just wanted to have a moment to just quickly check in with you.

29:39So I think you need to approach this entire conversation and under the guise of feedback, you are coming in and you're essentially going to say, I am always open to feedback, but I would appreciate if we could keep it professional and respectful when that feedback is being given, especially in front of patients. Essentially what you're saying is you're a fucking dumb cunt who's being absolutely unprofessional and I'm coming to you as your underling and I am literally trying yet again to be professional back to you and I would love if you could meet me there, you dumb fucking bitch, okay? And when she can't do that, or hopefully she does say, I completely hear it and maybe she'll voice something I have found that and then maybe she gives you feedback and then you'll say totally understand I want to get better at my job but I just again I please would really appreciate if we could keep it respectful in our communication and appropriate if she cannot handle it which I'm assuming she can't because people are in fucking power trips over power trips when they're in positions of powers like that yet again you will send a follow-up email to her and you will put in writing to your boss.

30:52I just wanted to thank you for your time. Thank you for meeting with me and wanted to just reiterate that I am always open to feedback, but I would appreciate moving forward if you could keep it professional and respectful when you give me feedback, especially in front of patients. You put that shit in writing, you put it in your HR box, and then the day that it continues after that you then go to HR and it sucks and it is daddy gang like it is fucking everywhere it is everywhere and that is where when I did talk about this and my experience with this I will say to you it is not easy it is uncomfortable and it is most of the times you are not going to be believed and that fucking sucks to say but you what are you going to do continue to live in this hell no you got to advocate for yourself and the worst fucking thing is when I've had literally friends have to leave jobs but at the end of the day you need to choose yourself and you need to stick up for yourself because the more that this continues your mental health will deteriorate and you need to protect yourself and I'm so sorry you're going through this so fuck right back in and i i really hope that um this can be resolved because nobody deserves this especially when it comes to you're trying to do your job and pay your bills and your boss is prohibiting you from doing that to the best of your ability and in a safe mental capacity i fucking hate people