How to Pick Your Life Partner

0:02What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Welcome back to Call Her Daddy. The guest this week is you, Daddy Gang. You are the guest, and I am interviewing you. I want to have a very honest conversation today to explore one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make in your life, which is who you choose as your life partner. Now, before I move forward, I just obviously need to clarify. I am not saying that finding a partner or a husband should be the sole purpose of your life. We are all so much more than that, obviously. And there are people listening, I acknowledge today, who may not even be interested in that and may not want that.

1:03And that is perfectly okay. What I want to talk about today, though, is if you are someone who wants a monogamous relationship and or wants to get married, then the decision of who you choose as your life partner is so important because the effect that it has on your mental health and just your overall well-being, right? It can impact every single aspect of your life. So today we are going to get really deep and I just want to pose some questions to you that can hopefully get you thinking about things that maybe you've never considered before or maybe have been avoiding. So now let's rewind for a second to give you all context of like why this is on my mind is because my parents recently just celebrated 40 years of marriage together.

2:07And my family and I went out and we celebrated. We went to a dinner and there were a lot of happy tears because the night turned into me and my siblings asking my parents, how have you guys done it? How have you made it work? How are you still so in love? And truly the wisdom and advice that my parents were sharing, I literally left that night being like, oh my god, I wish I could have recorded that and just uploaded that to the podcast for you guys. Because not only does everyone deserve that type of love, but the first step is knowing what to look for and the standards that you should set for yourself.

2:50So I ended up writing a bunch of stuff down. And then after that, I continued to reach out to other couples who I look up to, who I respect, and who I know have put in the work. And so that is what this episode is. It is going to be a conglomeration of all of that wisdom broken down into hopefully a very tangible conversation that helps you evaluate what you want out of life. Because whether you're single and you're searching for your person, you're in a relationship wondering if he or she is the right one, or maybe you're already married and sometimes quietly asking yourself, did I choose the right person?

3:35Regardless of where you're at, I think there is something in this episode for everyone. So, daddy gang, let's get into it.

4:02So here we go. The question of the day is, how do you know? How do you know what you should be looking for when you're dating to marry or you're just dating, right, to find your life partner? And also, listen, I recognize everyone who is tuning in today and watching this, like you are an individual coming from different backgrounds and you have different perspectives and beliefs as the other listeners. So like what you want in a relationship may not be the same as your friend or the same as me. And that is OK. As long as you're able to decipher what is important to you, that's all that matters.

4:47today. So one of the biggest things when I was at this dinner with my parents that they kept going back to was the foundation of their relationship. And its success was really built upon the alignment they had when it came to their core values. And they emphasized they're in love with each other. Of course, they're attracted to each other, but that's the easy part. When things get hard, love can only get you so far. If you fundamentally view and approach life differently, there's not much you can do, right? So guys, I took notes. Okay. I want to talk about, I feel like you always hear values. Do you have the same values?

5:39Like, do you value the same things? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, what actually are core life values? Like, what does that even mean? That is your view on kids, finances, family, religion, politics, and sex. So I think we should start with one of the easiest ones. Let's start with kids. You're like, what? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. start with kids okay talking about kids in your relationship is way more than just like oh yeah I think it'd be nice to have them one day like in order to actually know if you're aligned you do need to go deeper so yes obviously the conversation can be start with like the literally do you want kids.

6:30And if they do and you do, you have to keep going. How many kids would they ideally want? That's still easy, right? Like, do they envision having a small or a large family? And then when do you want them? And what is your ideal age to start trying for a baby? Do you want to be married for a few years first? Is there like a specific career milestone that you want to hit before you start building a family? I had shared with you guys this past year that my timeline around having children changed. So I'm not saying that these decisions need to be 100 % set in stone, but it is important to make sure that you're at least in the same ballpark as each other.

7:22and that you can both find common ground on what it is you want and what you see for yourselves. For example, if one partner thinks that they want to have two children and the other one wants to have four, that's much easier to compromise on than if one partner wants nothing more than to be a parent and the other one doesn't even want kids at all, right? And trust me, trying to change your partner's mind on this large of a core value is not only going to be really difficult, but it can be borderline problematic. One of my friends who I spoke to before this episode had a previous marriage that didn't work out for this exact reason.

8:07Leading up to getting married, they were having conversations about kids and she knew 100 % that she wanted them. and he was really honest and open that because of his difficult childhood, he didn't think that he really wanted kids. And she went into the marriage thinking that he would change his mind once he got older and they were actually married. And guess what? That didn't happen. And so they had a really heartbreaking divorce because although there was so much love there and they were in love, she wanted to start a family and when she was reflecting back and talking to me about it she acknowledges that she saw what she wanted to see she realized that she swept a really big issue under the rug because she convinced herself that like i don't know he'll change his mind he'll change his mind here's my take people can obviously change their mind and evolve regarding you know what they want out of life.

9:10And I actually think that's one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human being. And it's like when you do eventually change your view on something, that's awesome. That's great. But when someone is telling you where they stand, you have to listen and you have to take it seriously, daddy gang. Because let's say she was somehow able to convince him, right? Maybe she got him to be like, yeah, yeah, like maybe I'll yeah, maybe I will. Yeah, like or like maybe, okay, it's so unhealthy when someone changes their mind about something this large solely to appease their partner. That is going to cause such issues down the road.

9:51And I know it can be extremely difficult when you are in love with someone and it just feels like you're not aligned on that one aspect of life, right? It's just that one thing. if we could just fix that one thing because everything else is great. Trust me, it will do more damage than good. It's just a band-aid. So my advice with kids is like, listen to what your partner is telling you when it comes to this value, right? Another thing about kids that I think people really don't talk about, and my mom was talking to me about this, is like, what happens when you struggle to have them? Obviously, having children looks different for everyone and can be really, really difficult or even impossible for some women.

10:37So ladies watching this, you should be asking your partner before you decide to sign up for a life with them. Hey, if we struggled to get pregnant, hypothetically, like how would you cope with that? would they be open to IVF would they ever consider adoption and I also fully understand when you first start having these conversations right you're like you're in progress of trying to figure out is this your life partner you're dating for a while maybe you've moved in like I get that when you're broaching this topic especially with kids this may not be something that he's thought about before, but you can catch a vibe.

11:21If you ask him his thoughts on kids and he is constantly swerving the conversation or somehow making it more about him than you, please, for the love of God, listen to your gut. I'm going to move on from kids in a second because I also recognize there's a lot of people that may not want kids. But lastly, on this one specific topic, I will say we're still talking kind of about the easy part, right? You're fantasizing and dreaming about the life you'll hopefully have. Oh my God, this is so fun. How many kids do you want? Wait, how many kids do you want? And oh my God, if everything works out and it's super easy to conceive and we have this, like what are their names?

11:58But then what happens after you have kids, right? Does your partner expect you to stay home with the kids all day? And how do you feel about that? How will you divide up the child care responsibilities with your partner? And like, guys, I know, again, these questions that I'm asking, like you may not be able to get the exact firm answers to, especially the first time that you bring them up. But even I would almost urge you just start within yourself. What do you think your partner's answer will be to all these questions. I truly believe that more than half the time you actually know exactly what their answer will be.

12:40Because when you're in a relationship with someone, you learn their morals and their values. You know how they treat you. You watch how they treat other people in their life and in the world. Most of the time, the answer is right in front of you. So you have to stop avoiding it because that is about to be your reality and your life. Okay, let's keep going because I feel like you cannot talk about kids seriously without talking seriously about money. Money, honey. Okay? When you are looking to build a life with someone, you need to be aware of your partner's finances, full stop. You need to know how much your partner makes in a year, what their financial commitments like rent or loans are, and what their overall financial goals are.

13:32Because if you're merging your life with someone, you are most likely going to be merging your finances in some capacity with them. Now, I want to be so clear. I am not saying that in order for someone to be the one, you need to be making bank. They need to be making bank and all this money. What I'm saying is that you need to be aware of the financial situation that you're signing up for with your partner so that you can make sure you are both aligned. Do you want a joint bank account? Do you not? How are you at budgeting? Do you want a prenup? What lifestyle costs are essential to you? What are your financial priorities?

14:12I totally understand that comparing your 401ks isn't exactly the hottest conversation. But are you aligned on the way that you are approaching savings or investing? Do each of you have a 401k? Do you know what this person's credit score is? Does he even know where to find his credit score? You don't want to be the person who shortly after getting married realizes that her husband is$90 ,000 in credit card debt and you had no idea. And now it's somewhat your responsibility. I think it's really important to have an open discussion with your partner about your career goals and your ambitions. What about, you know, work-life balance?

14:52It's the classic saying like, do you live to work or do you work to live? There is no right answer. There's a right answer for you and your partner. But I can tell you right now, it's definitely going to affect your relationship, whatever that answer is. And if you're on different pages and you never discuss it, it's going to heavily impact your dynamic. Matt and I are both workaholics right now. And his drive is one of the things that I find really, really attractive about him. And we definitely prioritize our careers in certain moments. And we both had previous relationships where that was a pain point.

15:32And our partners resented that we didn't make them feel prioritized. But it is something that really works for Matt and I. And we are aligned on. So my final thought is just there should be no secrecy when it comes to finances in your relationship. If one person is more of the breadwinner, it should not give them more power and the right to withhold information from you if you are in a committed partnership. Okay. So we have kids. We have career and finances. Guys, we're crushing. This is like easy. Okay. But don't get too comfortable because this next one may truly be the trickiest of them all.

16:16Let's talk about family. His family, her family, your family, family. Oh, family. Right around the holiday season two, this is perfect. Family is a really tough one because a lot of it comes down to priorities and boundary setting and navigating dynamics that existed way before you came into the picture. And you can get a sense of this early into dating, right? The more you spend time with your partner and their family or don't spend time, you're going to begin to understand the dynamic, the role that your partner plays in their family and how their family treats them and you guys every single family has baggage there's no way around it but my question is like are you and your partner align on how you handle it I remember a guy that I was seriously dating had a very very unhealthy relationship with his parents and I don't know like at first glance in the early days of dating, I didn't really think much of it because he would lightly talk about it with me and I was there for him.

17:37And sometimes it was honestly just like a bonding moment for the two of us and whose family isn't a little fucked up, right? But then once our relationship started to get more serious and I was starting to become an actual more permanent factor in now this family dynamic, spending holidays together, right? Like going on family trips or whatever. I started to feel the extraordinarily unhealthy lack of boundaries that I was now being pulled into. And it quickly dawned on me how this would impact the rest of my life and if I did choose to spend it with him. And I need to emphasize that the reason that I became acutely aware of how negative of an impact it would have on me was not because of the inappropriate behavior from my potential in-laws.

18:32Like that is literally going to be every fucking family. I feel like everyone's going to have a weird one with their in-laws. That is a classic. But it was the way that my partner handled the mistreatment and the boundary crossing that made me realize he He was never going to protect our relationship or me when things got unhealthy with his family because I would bring it up. And then I would bring it up again. And I want to be really clear. I have so much compassion and understanding and experience with unhealthy families. I get you don't get to pick your family. and sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to break these patterns that have been there since day one.

19:23But this wasn't that. It quickly became him and his family versus me. So often that I would feel alienated, I was publicly being disrespected and my partner never made any attempt to validate me, to comfort me or to change anything. He just fell immediately back into who he was as a little boy in that house with his parents. It was kind of, you know, like he was just kind of like, this is the way things are and they're not changing. He had no interest in therapy. And so for me, I was like, there's no way this is going to ever work. And I know it's really, really hard. But Daddy Gang, this is something that you have to consider.

20:11Is your partner honestly interested in breaking unhealthy patterns? That yes, may be transgenerational in his family, but he's willing to do the work. Doesn't mean it's going to be quick. Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. This could, most likely this is going to be for the rest of your life, right? Like you're marrying his family. everyone's family's fucked up are they willing though your partner to do the work to protect your relationship and protect both both of you individually and as a couple i'm not here to judge anyone on the threshold of what you are capable of personally handling but I'm just asking these questions, daddy gang, of like talking openly about your family dynamics and past issues is so, so, so important when you're building a strong foundation as a couple.

21:08You're building a partnership. I get that family is special and sacred and also so complicated but if your needs are constantly being put second to their family's drama, it's going to take a toll on you. And you have to make sure that you are aligned with your partner on boundaries when it comes to family and what you are both willing and not willing to put up with. I know that's a really tough one because I just feel like everyone, it's so hard because it takes a second to broach the topic with your partner because they can be defensive because then you compare like whose family's more fucked up.

21:49I get it. But as you continue to watch patterns with your partner, are they essentially just abandoning you in these moments? And you're left to be like, wait, wait, when we're home, it's completely different than when we're here. I completely lose you. What's going on? That's the shit you have to start to look out for. Okay. Daddy King, we're like kind of almost out of the trenches. We've had a lot of the big conversations. The next one is a little I'm going to keep this short. OK, but the next one is. Yeah, this isn't this is a little bit of a doozy. OK, the next one is religion. Guys, how fun is this episode?

22:29There is nothing sexier than falling in love. That's the easiest fucking part of being in this life. You guys falling in love. Oh, fuck me. So fun. It's this shit that then you're like, this is why she doesn't last because not a lot of people go through these fucking items and actually make sure are you aligned. So here we go, religion. Woo. Okay. Some of you may know I was raised Catholic and Matt is Jewish. And before we got engaged, we had a lot of conversations, a lot, a lot of conversations about the role that religion would play in our marriage. How would religion factor into our wedding ceremony?

23:09what holidays and traditions would we honor together how do we want to raise our children and I cannot imagine being married to Matt today without having had all those really detailed intimate conversations especially as we are thinking about having kids religion and faith is so deeply personal and it's so important that you know where you guys stand before committing to a life together. I will never forget. It was the first guy that I was like, truly, truly in love with. And at the time, he was probably the first person I was like, okay, I actually think I could like see a future with this person.

23:59And I remember I was visiting him in his hometown and we were driving home from a dinner and somehow the topic of kids came up and it was like exciting and fun and just like you know how you do it you just kind of like romanticize and you have fun and you think about it and at first everything was like pretty aligned we both agreed on how many kids we would want we started going through just kind of everything that I mentioned in this episode so far like oh my gosh like what would you want to name them and like If you were working, what would I be doing and how would we handle that and blah, blah, blah.

24:33And like we were really aligned. And then somehow religion came up in relation to how we would want to raise kids. And again, before I say this, I just want to be clear. I do not judge anyone's religious beliefs. what he shared with me deeply went against my personal beliefs and what I want to instill in my children and raising my children and in that moment like we couldn't have been less aligned and I could tell he didn't really think it was a big deal but I knew it was just something I was like oh my god I don't think I'm I don't think I'm gonna be able to get over this and I definitely like pressed him a little bit and kept asking him like well would you be open and it was just like flat out no kind of like I said earlier with the woman with the kids thing and he was saying no and I had to I kind of had a pit in my stomach the rest of that trip with him because I was like, the love is there, the sex is there, the lifestyle concepts.

25:47And then this was the one thing that I was like, oh my God, I can't. I don't think I could look past this. And so, yes, it can be awkward early days to talk about religion. You're like at a fucking hot, sexy restaurant. Your tits are pushed up. You're looking hot. it's date night and you're like so let's talk religion it's like no I get it it's not sexy but it is not something that you should put on the back burner and leave until after marriage to figure out and this kind of wraps into politics you're like I have to go take a lap around my neighborhood I feel like I'm in a fucking history lesson class Alex trust me I'm listen I know it may not be technically fun, but it's kind of fun.

26:35Come on. It's kind of fun. Politics. I get these are really sensitive topics and you do have to, like, you have to have these conversations at some point. You don't have to have the exact point by point beliefs as your partner, but you have to, I truly believe, have some sort of alignment and respect for where the other person stands, right? Like, I will leave politics to you guys. You don't need me to weigh in on that one. But like, I guess I would just say I do think it's important as a woman to know, does he support women having equal rights to men? And does he support women having rights to their own body?

27:19Does he believe women should have autonomy over making decisions about their own bodies. Just throwing it out there. Good to know as a woman. You know what I mean? It's so sad that these are the things that we need to be asking nowadays, but this is the reality that we're in. So you catch my fucking drift. Okay. We're swerving. Let's talk about sex. Guys, see, I told you this is going to get fun. Here's the truth. We all know this at this point. Attraction can fade and your sex drive will obviously fluctuate. But where do you guys stand on just baseline expectations? Do you both agree that you should both be having orgasms?

28:02Not just him. What a concept. Are they willing to put in the work to make sure you're actually getting pleasure from sex? Are you aligned with how you talk about sex and the role of sex and what it plays in your relationship? Do you feel like it's an open conversation that you can safely share your wants and your needs with your partner? The end of the day, every relationship puts a different emphasis on sex. Some people want it. Some people don't want it as much. Some people have this happen. Everyone has a different thing. That is up for you and your partner to decide. but I really recommend making sure that you feel comfortable having open communication about what you want when it comes to this.

28:46And have these conversations before you're committing your life to someone because your sex life matters. There is nothing that makes me happier than when I get a compliment from someone and they say, Alex, you smell delicious. Okay. I mean, is there anything better than someone telling you you smell good? No. And you want to know what I'm wearing? You already know what I'm wearing. Yves Saint Laurent Beauty. Okay, let's go. If you are looking for a new statement fragrance, Yves Saint Laurent's iconic Leib collection is everything you've been looking for to turn heads and feel your most confident.

29:24The vanilla fragrances are all the rage and Yves Saint Laurent's Leib Vanilla Couture is the best one out there. Listen to me, daddy gang. It's Lieb's first ever limited edition fragrance. It's sweet yet bold with rich vanilla caviar, rum liqueur, absolute, lavender, and orange blossom. The most delectable version of Lieb. Of course, the original Lieb Eau de Parfum never misses either. Its iconic fragrance is infused with lavender and orange blossom. It's the most amazing warm floral for every day, which you've heard me talk about. But daddy gang, this is your sign, okay? Lieb Vanilla Couture.

29:58Boom, here we go. You are going to want to be smelling amazing. And there you go. Shop now. at Sephora. Okay. So core values, check, check, check. We're literally thriving. Okay. We may have lost, I realized some soldiers along the way. Maybe you paused this and you went and dumped your boyfriend because you realized, oh, I've had these conversations and he's given me nothing. He's given me nothing. He's shown his true colors. I really love that for you. I love when someone pauses an episode of Call Our Daddy and just completely breaks up with their boyfriend. that is that's being efficient babe okay um but I want to go back to my parents for a second because hearing my parents talk about the foundation that they built before even getting married and then continued to build upon it was just really helpful in understanding what it actually takes to maintain and grow a healthy 40-year marriage.

30:58And something that my mom also emphasized is that you can be aligned on all of this. All of this, oh, check, religion, boom, politics, boom, sex, boom, family, well, family's looking crazy, but boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, checking and left and right, boom, boom, boom. But then life happens, bitch, okay? And life is beyond unpredictable and you truly never know what it's gonna throw at you, okay? Stress, change, loss, parenthood, financial pressures, identity shifts. Life is going to test us, but there is no denying that having a partner who you can trust and you respect and they respect you to go through the bad times with, it makes it a hell of a lot easier than going through it alone.