How To Stop People Pleasing

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1:47Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another Sunday session with your father. I am so excited for this episode today because I have finally finished reading the book that I have been talking about, The Courage to Be Disliked. And I have so many thoughts that I am ready to dig into with you guys. So first of all, how did I even find this book? One night at 2 a.m., my brain was doing what a lot of brains do, which is, of course, during the day I'm just going about my life. And then all of a sudden I lay down and I hit the pillow and I'm like, oh my God, what is my career goals? And what am I doing with my life?

2:27And am I being a good daughter and sister and wife and all that? And I'm like, oh my God. And so then I was like, I need a book that's going to put me to bed. So I thought that this book, because it's like a very, very like intellectually stimulating book would hopefully be like more educational and let me go to bed. I ended up reading seven chapters and I could not put this book down. And then it got to 5 a.m. And Matt woke up and he was like, what are you still doing up? I'm like, baby, I've never gone to bed because I became obsessed. When I went into this book thinking, oh, it'll be fun. I'll learn like the courage to be disliked and social media and this will help me.

3:03And it's so much deeper than that. I thought, what if I just start highlighting and I start taking notes on the book and then I can distill it down to you guys because, you know, we're all busy and maybe you guys don't have time to read this book, but I'm going to make you feel like you did. So let's get into it. So when I think about being disliked, it's definitely a concept I feel like a lot of us avoid engaging with. I mean, just on its surface, it's obviously painful to think about the people who don't like you. Right. But at the same time, I think our society has become more and more vocal about when we dislike something.

3:41And we sort of live in this echo chamber of feedback right now, whether it's online reviews or hate comments or even just posting an Instagram story. We've all kind of become vulnerable to external critiques. and if you think about it like how many times have each and every one of us posted an Instagram overthought it checked how many likes it has or not enough likes or we've deleted it and we've reposted it because we're like oh my god maybe it will do better at this time and like analyzing who's liking it and like why didn't this person like it what does that mean do they not like me anymore like we get so in our heads about something that seriously no one else is really thinking about, right?

4:24Like even let's say if you live in the most private life ever, the fear of being negatively perceived by others affects all of us on some level or another. Yes, the extreme is social media, but like for the most part, you can be at the grocery store, you can be at your job, and it's still affecting you even if you're a non-online person. And so maybe you have found yourself ruminating for days, let's say, right, over a friend who you made a joke to and they found it more hurtful rather than funny. And obviously your intention was like to be funny, but now you're like sitting at Christmas dinner and your grandma's like, sweetie, pass the fucking peas.

5:05And you can't even hear her because all you're thinking about is the comment that you made to that friend and how it was misperceived and how they now think you're a bitch and all these things. And so it can be a lot because it's like you can you you are perceived and then you're perceiving how they're perceiving you. And that's just life. Right. I also want to be clear. Criticism is not always a bad thing. Like when everyone on the Internet yelled at me to stop bleaching the shit out of my fucking hair and just go like a little darker, Alex, just trying to tell me like a little that actually was really helpful.

5:38And so like, thank you guys. Or like when I had eyebrow blindness. Like those are things that I need to know. But in all seriousness, what reading this book and thinking about being disliked has shown me is that we really need to learn what criticism is ours to take on versus what is actually just someone else's shit that they're projecting onto us. And so yes, some feedback is helpful and it's important, but a lot of it I have found is an external projection of someone else's insecurities because the truth is like no one actually gives a fuck that much about you to actually give you constructive criticism half the fucking time you know what I mean no one's actually being like god I want Debra to fucking win today I'm gonna give Debra a grade a good advice that's gonna get her to that next level no people are fucking selfish and they don't really give a fuck and they're not thinking about how you're gonna succeed in life because everyone's worried about themselves and so half the time if not all the time, a lot of this is projection, right?

6:36So I found an article from The Atlantic because obviously it's book club, you guys. So I want to read a section from it and it is called How to Take and Give Criticism Well by Arthur C. Brooks. We all love to criticize. Unfortunately, we also hate being criticized. Fortunately though, each of us can change how we give and take criticism. Criticism is intrinsically hard to accept because of the ways our brains process it. When someone says your work isn't good enough, your natural first thought may be they must not like me rather than what can I do to improve it? When we receive criticism, we take it personal in two ways.

7:15First, we may naturally analyze the critic rather than the criticism. Second, we tend to consider the criticism a judgment of our inherent abilities rather than our objective performance. The solution is to set up an internal affirmation such as, I don't care what this feedback says about the person giving it, and I choose not to see it as a personal attack on me. I will assess it on its face about the matter at hand. Nothing more, nothing less. This won't save your feelings entirely, but it's a helpful approach, one that moves the focus from emotional to analysis. that enables you to judge the information on its merits or lack thereof as you would if it were about someone else once you depersonalize criticism in this way you can start to see it for what it is okay when i read that i was like i need to read that again and again and again i can also link the article for you guys the concept of depersonalizing criticism i think is really really important and i genuinely believe daddy gang like if we are all able to implement this more into our lives, it is going to change our lives.

8:22So say you're getting negative feedback from someone. How does the way that you receive that feedback change if you were to have those exact same words said to you by your best friend or your mom or your partner instead? Like every single person, if they said the same thing, you're going to feel differently about it, right? Because you have different relationships to these people. You have different history with these people. You You have different projections of these people. And so the way that we take feedback depends on our perception of the person dispensing it. But that shouldn't necessarily be the case always.

8:59And again, I know this is all so much harder said than done, but I feel like when we become cognizant of these things, like I've already started doing it since reading this book where I'm like, oh my God, wait, I was taking that too personally. That person was literally not, that wasn't meant to be personal. And so it's like just to start to train our brains, right? We need to learn to take the person out of the note and separate our interpersonal dynamic with that person from the actual critique that they are giving us. Let me give you an example, okay? Back when I was working at my magazine job in my early 20s, I had a boss pull me into her office and give me a note along the lines of, you're not working fast enough and you need to be more focused.

9:40Little did she know, I was literally writing YouTube ideas. And she's like, how many ads have you sold for the magazine, Alex? And I'm like, on my way, girl. Never sold one. So she was right. Actually, she was completely right. There was no projection there. 100 % I was working slow. If anything, I wasn't working at all. OK, babe, I was doing fucking jack shit. OK, I was on my way out. I was just like there for the free heat and the free snacks and a little bit of the paycheck. It wasn't much, but it would do. But at that time in my life, you guys, even though if I'm like if I looked inward, I could have been like, that's the honest truth.

10:13I wasn't able to take that note on its face. I completely spiraled. I started stressing about how my boss must hate me or think I'm lazy. And I crashed out worrying that I was about to get fired, which I absolutely should have. But I probably honestly went out that night and took like 20 fucking tequila shots to try to make myself better, feel better. And I was like so awkward the next day when I saw her and I was avoiding eye contact and I was like in my fucking head. And I let that one comment completely destroy how I felt about myself in that moment, the one thing I didn't do was actually just like hear the note and be like, you lazy piece of shit.

10:48Like, yeah, she's right, Alex, you aren't doing your job. You're taking nudes in the bathroom. You're literally taking nudes in the bathroom. You haven't sold anything, babe, like lock in. But instead I just started to overanalyze everything. And so now I will share that I am on the other side and I'm running my own company. And so I think about my boss at that point and like she had no idea what was going on in my life she didn't even know I was writing YouTube ideas she was just like hey you're not doing this we need this better bye and then she probably never thought about me again now as a boss myself I have a totally different perspective and I kind of want to share this with you guys because now having been an employee and now being a boss I want to acknowledge I know it can be really stressful to hear something that you need to improve on at work that is your livelihood that is your career and we're trying our best right But I want you guys to hear it from me when I say trust me.

11:39It is usually not a personal attack when your boss gives you feedback. So if you're the girl crying in the bathroom for hours after one constructive comment like me from your boss, I see you and I just want to acknowledge you. But I'm basically saying we got to talk because what I've learned from my experience is your boss wouldn't give you feedback if they didn't think you were capable of taking it. and so in my opinion as a boss and and there may be people with differing opinions but in actuality getting a note from your boss means that they believe in you and they think you're able to actually make changes like Matt and I have talked about this there are people that we are constantly pushing at our company because we can feel it's like oh my god they just need a little bit more of this and they're gonna fucking thrive and they could take over that division or whatever it be and then there are some people if I'm honest where you're kind of like they're at that max capacity And there's no point to try to give them that feedback because I know they can't do that thing.

12:37You know what I mean? And it's like, so feedback a lot of the times is good, you guys. Now, obviously, I want to acknowledge if you have a boss that is just like constantly moving the goalpost and doesn't know what they want and they're constantly coming at you being like, well, you didn't do this. And yes, that's not helpful. And then that is probably on them. But most of the time, your boss is actually just making a comment just to help you. and they didn't know if you were having a bad week. They don't know what's going on in your life when they're giving you this note and this constructive criticism.

13:07And they aren't sitting there actively trying to make your day worse. They're like, okay, Cassandra didn't hurt her numbers this week. Just gonna go over and tell her. Meanwhile, you're like, my boyfriend broke up with me and now my fucking boss hates me. And it's like, no, he was just like giving you the update. And so I think in a normal work environment, trying to understand, It's like they don't hate you and they don't think you're the worst person to ever exist. They're not thinking about you other than you are an employee and this is what I need you to do, period. So that's a perfect example where it's really recognizing like feedback isn't personal a lot of the times.

13:43It's just a necessary part of every job, right? Now, that's work. But let's say that your boyfriend gives you the note that he like he didn't feel like Like you were there for him when he recently had a shitty day. Okay. And taking something like that so personally and spiraling about all of the ways that you're not a perfect girlfriend, that isn't productive to actually fixing the one thing that he needed from you in that moment. Right. So take yourself out of it. How would you judge that information if it were about someone else? Right. Like this is this is always thinking it from a third POV.

14:22It's like imagine your best friend having this convo with her partner. What would you just say to her as advice, right? You'd be like, wait, it doesn't even seem that bad. So now flip it on the other side. How can you apply that mindset to yourself? If you know you're always gonna give your friend that advice of like, babe, he just wanted you there from, he loves you, it's not that deep. How do we apply that to ourselves? As I was reading this article, I recognized that deconstructive criticism is almost always based on someone else's insecurities, right? So these are comments that are truly just intended to undermine you or to hurt you.

15:00So right now we're talking about there's either deconstructive criticism, which is like, yes, this is a piece of shit asshole that's trying to fuck with you. Or there's actually like constructive criticism where it's like, guys, stop taking it personal. This is just a note that you needed to be given. I feel like a good example of this is we all have, we all have that one beloved friend, right? The one who says just like a little backhanded compliment, like, oh my God. you're so brave to post that picture holy shit wait Candice that's like crazy I'm so proud of you and you're like what or they're like oh my god I could never spend that much time putting on makeup every single day like you're so dedicated and you're like and you want to be like okay well you're busted like and so it's like yes we've had that friend that just says little things that make you feel like shit about yourself and you don't understand why are they doing this and then as you grow up, you're like, oh, I know why they're doing it because it has nothing to do with you.

15:59It's all about them, right? What's really going on with deconstructive mean criticism is it is just a representation of someone else's personal shit. This person needs to be purposefully hurtful to feel better about themselves and their inability to restrain themselves from making these just like asshole dig comments about other people, it's not your problem. I also think something that I've been getting better at is like, if you met me in high school and someone said something rude to me or to my friend, I would snap back immediately. Now, as I've gotten older, when someone says something like that, of like, oh my God, you like the makeup, blah, blah.

16:41Yeah, you wear so much makeup. When I was younger, I would have been like, oh my God, well, you're a dumb, ugly cunt. So do you want to borrow some now? And I think I've said this on another episode. Most of the time, my answer is always, and this is shout out to my father. He always used to say this, say this. Whenever someone says something that you can feel, they're trying to put you down. I'm always just like, what's your point? And they're like, oh, well, it's just like crazy. I would never do that much makeup. No, for sure. What's your point? Is your point to make me feel, you know what I mean?

17:13It's like, where are they going to go with that. And I think it's like, that's where if you turn it on them, when they, and again, if you ask to boss that, oh, you're not doing your job. What's your point? I want you to hit your Q4 goals, Alex. And I want you to, do you see the difference? It's like when there actually can be a, what's your point? And there's an actual fucking understandable answer after the, what's the point that is constructive criticism. When it happens with deconstructive criticism, deconstructive criticism equals AKA you're dealing with a fucking asshole, bro. And that paint your shit to fucking carry.

17:47And I think a lot of times it's hard to discern like, ooh, should I take this personally or not? Because we're all dealing with our own shit, right? And so it's hard not to personalize everything because we're all living our own world. So when someone does say something about you with your makeup, imagine if you were having a bad skin day, you're going to take it personally and think that she was actually kind of making a jab about your skin and all these things. It's really not about that usually, right? But you personalize it because you're not feeling X, Y, Z. And so the more that you can do self work, it does actually become so much easier to depersonalize these things and be like, yeah, I don't know, man.

18:21I don't know what your point of that comment is, but like, I'm going to go eat a sandwich. Like literally don't care. And then it kind of leaves them also holding the bag. There's nothing better. And I'm sure daddy gang, you've had it where you're, someone is being rude at a lunch or whatever. And when there's that one person that kind of has the balls to be like, that's like a really weird thing to say or or the best it's like we sorry what did you say can you repeat that and then they say it again you're like wait no sorry I'm sorry I everyone's being so loud what did you say again and then when someone says something rude and you ask them to repeat it three times they start to get so insecure and so it's like yes it's nice in those moments when it's you can call it out for what it is but it's rare because especially as women we're like I don't want to be called a bitch so just like take the rude rude comment and just like keep it fucking moving, we know on the surface that these comments aren't actually about us.

19:13Like, especially when you have hindsight, right? Hindsight's always 20-20. You get home, you're lying in bed, you're able to process it. But yet these criticisms can still feel extremely personal to us, but that's because they are bringing something up for us that we still need to work on within ourselves. I think when I started on the internet, I, it's almost weird. It's like when I first started on the internet, I didn't really care what anyone was saying about me because I was just like get clicks get views like build my career and then as I started to become a little bit more established with call her daddy I definitely started to read the comments and be like oh maybe I should change that about my you know makeup or my hair or my outfits or my this or my that and then I went through a period of time where I just kind of felt like this like floating bubble where I would just do whatever anyone was kind of saying about me on the internet because I felt so unsure of who I was because of how much commentary there was about who I am.

20:11And I was like, I don't think that's true, but maybe it is true. And it's like, it was such a mind fuck. And I had imposter syndrome and all these things. But now I think I don't allow those comments to get to me anymore just because I've, one, I've dealt with it for too long, but also I've done the work on myself where I'm like, no, no, no. I know exactly when I read a comment. If I'm like, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have done that. I was a fucking an asshole in that moment or, oh no, that's not true. But it just takes knowing yourself more. And it's still a journey with me. I don't like, I'm not a hundred percent there, but I can feel the difference, but it comes as you just continue to work on yourself.

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21:44Sign up for SoFi Checking and Savings at sofi.com slash callherdaddy today. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank and a member FDIC Terms Apply. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Sephora. from less is more days to full glam routines everything you need for all things beauty is at sephora yep sephora is where you will find the hottest newest products you won't find anywhere else the ones popping up in every get ready with me think summery fragrances like kali eden plush pear 23 eau de parfum next level makeup the skincare that keeps you glowing like it's your full-time job shop the newest hottest beauty only at Sephora as humans when we want validation and we don't receive it it can mess with the way that we value ourselves whether you get passed over for a promotion or you aren't added to the group chat or even sometimes as small as like not getting hit on when you're out at the bar but your friend does like we start to measure our own value by other people's reaction of us.

22:52And if we can learn to be okay with our lives, regardless of the external responses that we're getting, can you imagine how much fucking better our life would be? I mean, we'd be free, especially as women. Because we're always constantly saying like, oh, how do I look? And what do I wear? And what's my weight looking like? And it's like, how do you feel? Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks, right? and I'm not saying that you need to like right now today fully love yourself and be totally okay with who you are no matter what like that's not even like I get it it's not 100 % possible but this isn't actually even fully about internal confidence right it's about slowly building your way to it by changing how you choose to engage with the people around you like half the battle is like yeah no no babe we have so much work to do within ourselves don't even get it fucking and twisted.

23:41But the first step could be like, let's just block out the fucking noise of all these other fucking freaks around us. Step one. Got it. OK, because we all have way too much shit to deal with within ourselves. Right. So like dealing with other people's perceptions of us and their judgments, I can't even fucking take it. I don't want to even hear it. And of course, it's nice to hear when someone has nice things to say about you. I think that's also where it gets confusing. Right. Like, oh, my God. And if someone's giving you compliments and all these things it's like I think something we also need to keep in mind is if we live our lives and this is what I felt like so much of the book was about that really struck me it's like if we live our lives in hopes of avoiding criticism or pushback or critiques and we're so fueled by people's positive perceptions of us that's how you become a chronic people pleaser that's how you lose yourself that's how you don't have an identity if you're sitting here and you're like Alex this is me.

24:36Like I am 100 % of people pleaser. Like, please, what the actual F can I do about this? This is me to my core. I am here today to tell you that I've got you. Okay. Reading this book has really opened my eyes to the idea that trying to avoid being disliked is really the same thing as changing your identity for someone else. If you are constantly like, okay, and then to please this person, oh my God, that person's going to think this of me. So I'm going to fix my posture. and I'm going to say the thing that I know is going to get them. It's like, babe, where did you go? What do you want to do? Do you actually want to do that?

25:13Or were you just doing it to please them because then it will gain you some social equity because then they'll invite you to the party and then you're at the party. You're not even having fun because they don't even know who the real you is because you haven't been able to be honest with yourself. You're not even acting like yourself anymore. And all of a sudden you're just like this fucking floundering fish. That's like, I appease these people and this. And then you get home at night and you're fucking emotionally drained and then you start to become resentful of everyone around you. But it's like, but who's doing was this?

25:36You. You have the ability to stop it. And so I want to finish this little rant on the courage to be disliked with some of my favorite quotes that I highlighted as I was reading the book. And I just want everyone to really lock in. If you're not driving, just close your eyes and listen to these statements and try to really sink them in and take them in. Okay. You are afraid of being negated by other people. You're afraid of being treated disparagingly, being refused, and sustaining deep mental wounds. But do other people actually look at you so much? Are they really watching you around the clock and lying in wait for the perfect moment to attack?

26:22it seems rather unlikely. So this book, the way, so basically the entire book is set up where it is a philosopher having a dialogue with a young adult. And the young adult is skeptical of, wait, the courage to be disliked. Like I want people to like me. I don't want people to dislike me. And the philosopher is essentially saying, no, no, no one wants to be disliked. But to relinquish the feeling of I have to be loved and I have to be liked, then you can just sit in your truth and enjoy your fucking life. And if people don't like you, it rolls off your fucking back and it's okay. And so I love this quote because it's kind of such a good point.

27:02It's like, guys, we're in our heads about how much other people are fucking thinking about us. We're all in some capacity, a little narcissistic because again, we're living on our own bodies. We're living in our own world. So actually ask yourself the next time someone gives you constructive criticism or even deconstructive. Is it that deep or are you making it seem that deep? Do you think this person actually was sleeping all night dreaming about this moment? They could be like, Bob, the work hasn't been up to top tier lately. And you're like, they literally hate me. And they're like, no, Bob, maybe the work has just not been up to top tier.

27:39And then once you get up to top tier, they're like, yo, Bob, great work. Like it's that simple. It really has nothing to do with your personality. Next quote that I highlighted, wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be a certain kind of person. In other words, you throw away who you really are and you live other people's lives. Again, I know I kind of hit on this, but like as I read this book and I read chapter after chapter, it started to dawn on me. And, you know, this is a thing for me because I have like more of a public life and it also can relate to anyone that doesn't.