How to Stop Resenting Your Parents

30:02But it's fair that you want it to change. And again, of course, everyone's dynamic is going to be different, but you get the idea of what I'm saying, right? Like this phenomenon of where it's like an adult child builds up a hopeful, idealized version of an upcoming interaction with their parents, so excited only for the old dynamic patterns to play out. And on my research grind, this is known in psychology as the false hope cycle or people also somewhat refer to it as the wishful thinking dynamic. What does this mean? Okay. Can you guys help? I'm like so deep in therapy right now. Basically, as adults, when we walk into these scenarios expecting a different outcome with our parents, but then we're met with the same old behaviors, whether again, it's rude comments or boundary violations or emotional coldness, or even as extreme as abuse, the psychological and emotional impact is going to be so intense when this happens, you guys, because we are so intensely disappointed.

31:13when you mentally rehearse a positive interaction your brain it's like priming itself for safety and connection and it's going to be different this time and so naturally you lower your defenses you're going in like oh this is gonna be good so then when your parent inevitably drops this passive aggressive comment or you know triggers a sore spot the sudden drop from the expected safety and enjoyable experience you were looking for to instead just this like very familiar rejection is so triggering and it literally creates emotional shock. You're like, how am I here again? Oh my God. Because you were actually trying to show up differently and they gave you something that you were convincing yourself they weren't going to give you this time.

32:10And so naturally the disappointment is, it just is magnified because the contrast between that mental expectation and the reality, and I don't think you guys don't need to be hard on yourself. I've done this so many times. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves for having these expectations. You may be an adult, but you're still a child within this dynamic. You are going to see your parents. They are still the parents in the dynamic. They still quote unquote have the power, right? Or some semblance of a power. And so of course you're going to go in hoping and wanting. And unfortunately, we a lot of the times are just met with these like old wounds and it feels like we are regressing.

32:56Like that I feel like is maybe one of the most triggering things that's ever happened with me and a lot of times when I talk with about Matt or when we talk like I talk with my friends like that feeling of regressing that also bites so hard because if you are someone you're living on your own or you're living in a different city or you live in the same place as your parents but you're on your own finally or maybe I'm little someone's listening in their in their 40s or their 50s or their 60s it still happens where like you you spent your formative years under this person's supervision. You are now an independent and you are now paying your own bills probably and you're doing all these things.

33:33And so to go back into a dynamic where you have changed so much, you're not the little girl that's 6 '16 anymore, right? Like you're so different. So how is this dynamic still stagnant? How has nothing changed? I've changed. And then you start to get annoyed too because you're like, I interact with my bosses this way. I interact with my peers in this way, like, and I'm such an adult. And then somehow they get me right where I feel like I have no autonomy, no say, no self-respect. I have no voice. And I'm like, how did this happen? And I think it's so important for us to remember and to recognize that old wounds carry so much emotional memory.

34:18When a parent uses the same tone or phrase or judgment that they used when you were younger, your nervous system is going to bypass your rational adult brain that you've been so, you have been working on that thing, babe. You are pouring into yourself, right? It doesn't matter so quickly. It can just trigger that state of regression. And I feel like this is why it can also get so bad around the holidays for a lot of people, right? Like because you have your hopes up for a good interaction and you are even more obviously invested because we all want holiday joy okay we're all like come on santa bring me around town and like we're looking at the movies and the aesthetic and the lights and the things and the carolers and you're like oh my god you just want to be like oh drop me right into that family perfect movie that like that's what you're expecting, right?

35:19And so the expectations are even higher around the holidays. And so even though you are a fully functional adult, you suddenly feel like a defenseless eight-year-old or maybe it's more of like an angry 15-year-old, wherever your worst days were, guys, okay? And then just inevitably, it leaves a lot of us as adults feeling really disoriented and upset with ourselves. I think we get mad at ourselves for losing our cool, right? Or shutting down. And that adds another layer of self-frustration. You get upset. And as mad as you are with your parents, it's almost like, yep, typical them. But shame on me for even thinking for a second and believing that things were going to be different.

36:07The pain isn't just about the specific comment, right? It's not the thing they said in the moment. It's about what that comment represents. Every time a parent falls short of the ideal scenario we have, us as adults are forced to confront the loss of the relationship that we wish that we had. It's like it triggers. It's almost like a grieving process, right? We're grieving that we don't have the supportive, validating parent. They just don't exist in your reality. and because you as an adult went into the situation with the explicit goal of having a smooth loving interaction a common reaction to a bad dinner or a bad lunch or a bad meeting with your parents it can be it can literally feel like failure

37:04and obviously not everyone will do this some people may but some people you're gonna blame yourself. But I will say, I think a lot of people end up leaving and slowly as they process things, they think, maybe I should have, I don't know, maybe I should have phrased it like that. Or maybe I, maybe if I didn't bring up that topic, then maybe they wouldn't have snapped. Or if I was just like a little different, maybe it would have been a different situation. They would have treated me a little bit better. Like that, if that's you in those dynamics, that dynamic just keeps you as an adult trapped in the loop of just trying harder next time, right?

37:44You're hoping that altering just a little bit of your behavior is going to unlock a different response from your parent. Now, you may be on the complete opposite side where you're like, hell fucking no, I do not do that. When they fail me time and time again, I'm over it. Like I like literally hate these people. I don't want to acknowledge them, but then I do still somehow come back to them when they ask me to go to dinner next time. And so I'm just in this angry cycle. I think it's obvious that humans psychologically are wired to just seek safety and validation from their parents. So this is like a very hard cycle to crack.

38:23Even in adulthood, the attachment system drives people to just hope that this visit or this holiday or this phone call will be the moment that the parent it finally steps into the role of a safe, comforting figure. And it's like, a lot of times it doesn't happen. And I think recognizing this pattern, it's usually the first step to breaking the cycle, which I want to talk about today. It's basically like we need to be shifting from wishing for how they should be to protecting your own peace based on who these people actually are. So let's talk about it.

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40:39The textured scrubbing pads foam on contact with the water to cut through tough stains for an easy, satisfying clean. No additional toilet cleaning gel needed. In fact, it kills 99.9 % of viruses and bacteria. Throw away your gross toilet brush and join the millions of people keeping their toilet clean with the Clorox toilet wand. Grab yours today on Amazon. Use as directed. We need the survival guide to resenting our parents. Now that we've sat here and we have really dug the knife in, being like, this is trauma, this is frustrating, how do we actually now protect our peace while trying to maintain a relationship with our parents from all the therapy that I've done from all the friends I've talked to from all the research I think we got to just change our strategy okay hold on let the pregnant lady just get her legs out my child is really kicking right now all right here we go oh my god that's actually like so terrifying being pregnant, being like, okay, now you're not going to resent me.

41:48We're going to, we're going to do this better. Okay. No, every parent, there's going to be a problem with parent child. It's always going to happen. I guess it is just to what degree we're hoping for not, not, not too traumatic. You guys. Okay. We're trying to, we're trying to correct some things. How do we change this? Are you listening? Now I'm like, oh my God, I hope this child's not listening to any of this, comes out the womb, like, what did you do to me? I'm like, oh my god, you listened to too many Caller Daddy episodes. Shh, go to bed. I think step one is we need to stop auditioning our parents for a role that they are never going to get cast in.

42:31What do I mean by that? Stop trying to get validation from the person who is incapable of giving it to you. If your mom has never praised your career choice, she is not going to start today. So stop offering up your vulnerabilities to people who use them as ammunition, right? Keep the conversation light and safe and surface level if that is what's going to protect your emotions and your heart. And is this excruciating and so hard? Yes and yes and yes. But again, our parents we have to remember are just random people too. They are just figuring it out. If you are trying and they keep letting you down at some point, you guys, we need to try to separate the hurt from the facts.

43:22Does it hurt that our parents can't show up in these moments for us? Yes. But have they ever really shown up? Sometimes, but not really consistently. Okay. So no. So stop waiting for it. And I know that's sad. And it sucks. And the next annoying bit of advice that I will share when it comes to parents, and maybe a lot of you have already done this, is just like you got to lower your expectations. And I think this is the hardest therapy concept that I've ever had to learn, which is radical acceptance. It basically means accepting reality as it is without trying to fight it. And I believe when it comes to the child parent dynamic, it is the hardest to ever achieve, truly, right?

44:17Trying to accept that your parents love you to the best of their capacity, even if their capacity is only 20 % of what you actually need. That hurts so bad. And that is not what I want to hear. That is not what you want to hear. But once you stop expecting them to be 100%, because they keep showing you that they can't be 100%, they can't even be 90, 80, 70, 60, then you're going to stop getting disappointed when they just give you the 20%. You will eventually. I also think something that kind of plays into this and it's probably the hardest thing to ever do. Let's put this at the top of one of the hardest things to ever do in interpersonal dynamics.

45:05Yeah, I bet this would go in the top like three is setting boundaries with your parents. What are the what? How do you what? Boundaries with parents. That's not even a thing, right? Oh no, it is. All my adults listening, you learn. And sometimes it doesn't work. And you've been trying. You could be trying for a decade. You could be listening to this, be like, oh babe, give me any tips because it still ain't working. The reality is, again, hard to swallow. You don't owe your family an entire weekend of your mental health. if you know that after two hours with your parents the vibes go completely off the rails then you only stay for two hours or maybe it's an hour and 50 give yourselves 10 minutes to get to the car quick okay give a buffer and so you just say to them hey guys I love you and I wanted to grab lunch but I have to head out at 2 p.m.

46:05and so you can kind of like you're starting to lightly put that boundary in for yourself because you know where your triggers start. And if they start criticizing you on the phone for putting that in place of like, oh, we only get two hours, you can say, I love you, but I'm not going to stay on the line if you're going to speak to me like that. Like, let's talk tomorrow. And then you hang up. Guys, I understand that probably sounds insane. Setting boundaries with parents who consistently let you down. it is one of the most taxing emotional projects that you will ever probably tackle as an adult because there's a there's like rarely any reciprocity right people talk about like how hard a lot of things are in adulthood but like this thing you're just like I am literally getting nothing back from this and I'm just still getting punched in the face but I do think something that we can control is I think part of the difficulty when it comes to this topic of setting boundaries with parents usually stems from a fundamental just misunderstanding of what boundaries are.

47:08Right? I think most people treat a boundary more as like a rule for someone else to follow. You are completely misunderstanding boundaries if you think it means like a boundary is you need to stop flaking on me or you need to stop making passive aggressive comments towards me and then expecting your parent to say, oh, you're right. I'm so sorry. Or even if they don't even say, I'm sorry, but you saying these statements like, and I mean, also don't get me wrong. It would be so lovely if you were able to say those things to your parents and your parents actually apologize and address the issue because then we probably wouldn't need the boundaries, right?

47:48But if you are someone who is dealing with difficult dynamics when it comes to your parents, you probably have tried that already. And like I said earlier, it probably hasn't worked. And they either stonewalled you or gaslit you or told you you're being too insensitive. And so I think where boundaries come into play with parents and are so clutch is with parents who pretty consistently fail you or trigger you, a boundary is not about controlling their behavior. It is a decision about what you will do when they act just like themselves. That's it. It's not, it's your boundary. This is my boundary right here.

48:34It's not theirs. It kind of honestly has nothing to do with them. It does, but like you're the one that is in full control actually. So if you think you're setting a boundary and you feel really out of control, then you're probably not setting the boundary correctly or you're not looking at the boundary right. If your parent repeatedly lets you down, making requests to that parent to please stop don't do x y or z it's gonna stop working like you're not eventually gonna get anywhere and so you have to move to like action-based boundaries so if this happens then I will do this right so it's like they can do whatever they want to do But if they keep acting inappropriately, then you're going to do this.

49:21Here's an example. Maybe in the past you would request, mom, please stop canceling on my kids at the last minute. It absolutely breaks their heart. So that relies on her just to completely change, which leaves her completely still in control, leaves you vulnerable when she's probably inevitably going to flake again and you have zero power. So how do you change that and take an action with a boundary that would look like, hey, mom, I am no longer telling the kids that you're coming over until you physically walk through the door because this protects my kids from emotional safety regarding whether you show up or not.

50:06I don't want them to be let down. So then the grandmother now or your mother now needs to make the decision. oh, so your life isn't gonna be impacted all. If she shows up or not, your kids had no clue. And you're going about your day and you're gonna be in your schedule. And if she chooses to come, then you will accommodate it. But you're not gonna sit around and wait for this person. Another one that maybe you used to do, let's say with your dad, is maybe you said to your dad, dad, you have to stop calling me just to complain about your life or to complain about mom for two straight hours. Like I cannot do this anymore.

50:43And then it just keeps happening. And you're like, I don't know how to get off the phone. What's happening? So taking an action with a boundary, you can now say to your father, hey, dad, I have 15 minutes to talk today before I have to go. If you guys are texting like, oh, are you free? Yeah, I have 15 minutes before I have to go. And if the conversation turns into a negative rant, you can tell him, hey, also, if this goes off the rails and you start talking negatively about mom again, I'm going to say goodbye and I'm going to hang up. I don't want the conversation to go that way. I have 15 minutes.

51:16I would love to have a nice conversation with you. But then it's on you. So if he acts exactly how he always acts and he's at that 10 minute mark and he's getting that itch and then he starts bitching about your mother and it's getting inappropriate, you say, hey, dad, like I told you, I do not want to have this conversation. So I'm going to hang up now. Have a great rest of your day. And then you actually hang up and you're in full control. And he's left there being like, oh, well, and then all they're left to do is, oh, I guess they did tell me they were going to do that if I did this. Right.

51:49It's all on you. Now, you can do all of this, but sadly, it's not guaranteed they're going to respect the boundaries. Like I just said, your dad can go and do that thing. And that's when it gets really hard, right? I think parents aren't used to be parented essentially by their child. They're not used to you setting the rules for them. And I will say, when a parent pushes back against a boundary, I think the most common trap from what I've learned from therapy is you end up trying to explain why you set the boundary. And to an overstepping parent, your explanation, no matter what it is, because you shouldn't give an explanation to a boundary, but your explanation, it just sounds like arguments that they can debate and dismantle.

52:45Like, don't do it. And so I know it's so tempting, but I'm telling you, do not explain yourself when you set a boundary. don't defend why being like I need to leave early because I have a big day tomorrow um so no no no you have to leave early you're leaving early and like don't over explain the like oh the reason I don't want to discuss you know my weight is because it really triggers me no no I don't want to discuss my weight that's a boundary for me don't excuse it by being like I would never you know I would bring my kids over, you know, but the traffic is really bad, like making up niceties to kind of cushion your boundary.

53:28A lot of times it can be lies, right? You're kind of like a little white lie. Like, oh, the traffic. No, no, no. I can't bring my kids over today. You have to state the boundary once very clearly, and then you move straight to the consequences. Because again, anyone listening to this, like we're dealing with people who cannot seem to have any respect for your time and your boundaries. So like you got to get it's hammer time, baby, or it's never going to actually become a boundary. And so maybe before this episode, maybe you used to say, you know, mom, please don't comment on my relationship. It hurts my feelings and it makes me uncomfortable.

54:08And, you know, we talked about this and I don't like when you do it. Well, now because she keeps doing it now, the boundary you will say is I won't be discussing my relationship today. And if it comes up again, I'm going to head home. Again, she can do whatever she wants, but you now will be removing yourself if she decides to act inappropriately. I obviously could do an entire episode on setting boundaries because it is very, very complicated. I'm still in therapy learning about it. It's really, really complicated boundaries and families are probably the hardest boundaries in relationships, boundaries and friendships, boundaries in work.

54:52Like it is so exhausting because it is not an overnight solve. And a lot of people who cross your boundaries, you then start to feel bad by setting a boundary. And if you somehow are feeling bad about setting a boundary, you have to remember all these things are what are happening to you. So you have the right to enforce the boundary because the bottom line is enforcing a boundary, it's a two-step process. You state the line and then you execute the consequences and you try to do it without drama. And a lot of times the people on the other side are going to try to cause drama and you just keep it.

55:27Nope, this is it. And it can become infuriating for the other party, honestly. And it can create a lot of fights in the very beginning and you have to stay strong. I think holding a boundary, it's one thing to set a boundary. I think therapists always say this, one thing to set a boundary, to hold a boundary, you got to be a really strong person.

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58:08The textured scrubbing pads foam on contact with the water to cut through tough stains for an easy, satisfying clean. No additional toilet cleaning gel needed. In fact, it kills 99.9 % of viruses and bacteria. Throw away your gross toilet brush and join the millions of people keeping their toilet clean with the Clorox Toilet Wand. Grab yours today on Amazon. Use as directed. Stopping the cycle of resentment and letting go of hatred towards your parents is not about it's not about convincing yourself that what they did was okay it's about freeing your own brain and your body from just carrying the toxic weight of just this ongoing war that like you literally cannot win resenting someone means you constantly are measuring who they actually are against who you want them to be and who you think, you know, you deserve them to be.

59:06And the gap between those two things is just literally where disappointment is going to live and anger and hatred, right? And I think the truth is hatred and just the intense resentment, it feels like a self-defense with our parents, right? It feels like that, but functionally, that just keeps you bound actually to your parents and this dynamic. The more angry you get, the more hatred you have. When you hate them for falling short, your emotional state is just going to keep being dictated by their behavior, giving them all the power. and I think you're going to experience so much relief when all of a sudden one day you can try to get to the point where you're like oh their flaws actually no longer have power over me and it's not going to ruin my night or my afternoon or my lunch whatever it is with them a major hurdle to accepting parents is the fear that if it's almost like we are we're so scared that if we understand why they are the way they are and we contextualize it we're almost letting them off the hook and that's just not the truth like understanding your parents limitations or anyone's for that matter.

1:00:27It's insight. It's not absolution. I think to stop resenting your parents, yes, you have to look at their story with an unbiased or as much of an unbiased lens as you can, right? Like what kind of an emotional environment were your parents raised in? What unhealed trauma do they have? Did they grow up in poverty? Did they have addiction in their family? Did they had addiction? What are all the dynamics that influenced their childhood? and do they possess the self-awareness or the cognitive tools that are required to literally break generational cycles? And the honest truth is for a lot of people, the answer is sadly probably going to be no.

1:01:10And when you realize that your parents are likely operating at the absolute limit of their emotional capacity, eventually their behavior stops feeling like a personal attack on you and it starts looking like a reflection of just their own internal issues and then you're like oh it's just kind of sad like they couldn't give you emotional wealth because sorry if this is cheesy but it was like they were emotionally bankrupt how are they gonna fill you up right If they've got nothing, you did nothing wrong.

1:01:51So again, I think that like difference between like, oh, if I give, it's almost like you feel like you're giving too much empathy. If you're like, well, it's because of their childhood. No, no, no. Understanding it is fine. And you're not letting them off the hook. You're also just accepting them for who they are. So you don't have to keep getting let down. And so I think it's okay to like mourn the fantasy because resentment is only going to be sustained if you do have these unrealistic expectations, right? Every time you interact with your parents hoping today will be the day that they act like the wise and the passionate and the validating parent, you're just going to reopen the wound.

1:02:29And so to accept them is to allow yourself to feel the sadness and the grief and the anger that you, yeah, you didn't get the love or the safety or the support that you definitely deserved as a child. That's a fact. So hold the funeral. Mentally lay to rest the ideal fantasy version of your parents. That is what we're doing today. We're laying it to rest, okay? I'm not saying your parents are dead. They're still here. You're just going to hold the funeral because the fantasy version, it needs to go. You could also probably do this with friends even. I promise you. There's probably so many of your friends that are like, I, I, I will absolutely partake in this one.

1:03:12Um, cause I promise you almost everyone goes through this to some degree. And then once that funeral and your mourning has happened, you're like, all right, then you can actually move forward and interact only with the real human being in front of you. Flaws, limitations and all, not the person who you wish they were. And I am not saying that it's not going to piss you off. They are going to be so, it's going to be so annoying. You're like, you're still annoyed by them, but they don't have the power over you because you're not expecting them to show up in the way that is still internally as a little kid you were hoping.

1:03:49You're like, oh, they're not capable. Okay, let it go. At the end of the day, I think truly you have to recognize that holding resentment is literally like drinking poison into your body. It is entirely possible to say, I love my parents. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made. And I am deeply hurt by how they treated me. Both truths can exist at the same exact time. You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. That's literally not, you don't have to do that. It's not a thing. Like you just have to decide how much power you're going to let their opinions have over your life. now, today.

1:04:32You're an adult now. You get to curate your life. You get to put the boundaries in place. They can't tell you to go to your room anymore. They can't tell you you can't have the sleep over anymore. Like you're now in control of your inner peace, which is actually such a nice, I hope, way to end it. Remember the beginning where I was like, sometimes we get into the trenches and then we literally just like one, two, one, two, one, two, hit it, hit it, hit it, And then boom, we leave on a high. So much I feel like of what I've been talking about in these Sunday sessions is like being the driver of your own life and not handing the keys over to someone and actually taking control of your life.

1:05:17It's scary because it means if something maybe doesn't work out or whatever, then you're going to feel it more. It is going to be on you. And so now that you're going to be more cognizant of like, oh, I do have the ability to basically remove the resentment from my parents. It actually is on me because they've just stayed stagnant for decades and it's on me to somehow fix it. Once you realize that and then you keep not fixing it, it kind of becomes really hard to just be like, oh, it's a waste of energy to even be mad at them anymore. That's the obvious. That's the easiest thing. Yeah, they're idiots.

1:05:47They're over there. They're giving you nothing. So why are you still, it's like the definition of insanity is doing the thing over and over and over again and thinking you're going to get a different result, right? so I think there is power it takes a lot of self-esteem work it takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of honesty within ourselves to be like are you ready to start living your life to the capacity where you are going to fully take the keys and be in charge and be an adult and own your shit and own when you mess up and own when things maybe are hard or painful but the more you're in control of your life, the more that you're going to have a life of freedom.

1:06:28And so being constricted to like, oh my God, and my parents' emotions and this and getting anxious for holidays, I'm not saying the hurt won't be there, but it will impact you way less. Everything in life, everything with friendships and dynamics and friends and romantic relationships, like the more accountability you actually can take in life, I believe the more enjoyable life is. being a victim of your circumstances you're just like oh why did this keep happening to me oh my god why they did this to me no one can do anything to you yes they did something to you but how did you handle it and then how did you come back from that and again I am speaking literally from experience this is something clearly that I'm very passionate about because I think there's just a lot in life where it's like you get dealt certain hands and how are you going to handle it parents Parents are one that we couldn't pick them, guys.

1:07:23We couldn't pick them. And how they impacted us, we also couldn't pick that. But now you can. Guys, I'm telling you, once you set that clear boundary with a parent and it starts, you are going to actually want to shit your pants. Some of us. Some may be better than others. And then the day that like you're like you're crying to your partner, you're like, I can't, I can't. You just do it. And then there's a fight. But you hold your ground. You hold your ground. and a couple other times you keep doing it, do it, do it. And then when the boundary is just like in place and it's there and it almost just becomes like it's a part of your everyday life and it's, oh my God, you're gonna feel peace and bliss.

1:08:03And guess what? You get to be proud of yourself. You did that. You stood up to the people who raised you, who you have all of these really, really complicated power dynamics with and you were able to do that. If you can do that, you can literally do anything. I swear to God, you can do anything. it's so intimidating to have these, these dynamics with parents. And if you can fucking hold your ground on a boundary with a parent, girl, you're going far in life. You're going to run some fortune 500 company and you're going to be sailing off into the distance. Okay. Your parents are going to be begging you to call them.

1:08:37They're like, can we, can we get in on that? Can we like, you're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. But the first step is just trying and recognizing it. Okay, daddy gang. That was a lot. And I hope that was helpful to some capacity. Always DM me or write in questions to the website and let me know what you guys want me to talk about. And I will do my best to research and to bring my personal experiences to the table and talk things through with you guys. All right. You know the motherfucking drill. I will see fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.

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