How To Talk About Getting Engaged

0:00Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session with your father. Sunday morning, Father's calling. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Every Sunday's Father's Day. What the fuck? That was pretty good, right? Okay, so I was taking calls on our SiriusXM radio show called Dialed In a couple weeks ago. And a girl called in asking a very, very specific question. she was calling to ask when I think that her boyfriend was going to propose to her. Obviously, my first question back to her was just asking what conversations she's had with her boyfriend so far about getting engaged in general. And she said that they have lightly talked about it happening one day, but she's kind of been too scared to bring it up in a serious way again since that last conversation.

1:00and this phone call really stuck with me and as I've been reading your guys questions and talking to my other friends who are in serious relationships I have been realizing this girl is not alone so many women who are in serious relationships even living with their partner they're too nervous to talk about engagement or ask about it or even bring it up and And listen, obviously, like I totally understand wanting the actual moment of the physical engagement to be a surprise. That is 100 percent. I get it. I personally loved not knowing exactly what day mine was happening or not knowing any of the details of how it was going to go down.

1:48Like it definitely made it so much more romantic and special for me, in my opinion. I was surprised by the way that Matt did the proposal I want to emphasize but I was not surprised that he was proposing and I think there's a huge huge difference that I want to focus on today because I feel like growing up obviously watching rom-coms we have always seen the girl suddenly getting proposed to and she's like sobbing and she's in shock and she can't believe it's happening and she's getting proposed to in this like big romantic way and she never sees it coming and it's so beautiful and people are so emotional but what you think about in a lot of these movies is like they literally never show the conversation that hopefully happened prior of the couple discussing like what they want for their future what the marriage that they want might look like what they have mutually agreed upon would be a good timeline for the life that they want to build together.

2:52Like all of these conversations that led to the proposal we never usually see. Right. And so I don't know, like I get it's maybe not as romantic to see those conversations. So Hollywood is like, oh, cut that out. But in a normal, real world, healthy relationship, daddy gang, these are the type of conversations that happen and need to happen before a proposal and before an engagement. You should be able to talk openly about your financial circumstances that surround getting engaged. You should be able to talk about the impact it would have on both of your lives. And you should be aligning on when you would want it to happen in a rough ballpark, right?

3:37Like this is a 50-50 decision. It is a huge choice that needs to be made together. An engagement, the physical act, fine, he can have the surprise, but the actual decision that you're getting engaged needs to be a 50-50 decision. Why are we giving men so much power when it comes to this giant milestone in both of your lives? If you find yourself waiting around, wondering if he wants to marry you, wondering if you're wasting your time, then it's time to take some accountability and take some action and ask this person and talk to this person. Like you're in control and capable of having a conversation with your partner.

4:19If you just roll over and give him all the power on one of the first major life decisions as a couple, I want you to think about this. Imagine how it's gonna set the tone for all of the upcoming decisions that you guys will make in your life together. Or maybe actually what I'm trying to say is like he will make them and then you'll just like fall in line. And so I really don't think it needs to be this big scary thing and to be honest if it feels that way if going and talking to your partner about timelines and engagements makes you feel scared my first question back to you would be to really ask yourself like maybe you're not in the right relationship maybe this isn't actually an equal partnership why would you want to marry someone who you don't feel safe talking to about something that should be so exciting and fun, but more importantly, is one of the biggest decisions that you are ever going to make in your life.

5:15Emphasis on the word your life and a decision that you should be a part of. Do you know what I mean? So I today kind of want to talk about how you could approach this conversation. Again, I know maybe to some people it's easier said than done. I bet there's people watching this right now being like, okay, Alex, like, I guess I would love to bring up this engagement and all this to my boyfriend, but like, how do I do it? So I think that you could say like, hey, babe, I know that we have talked lightly about our future and the more and more serious that we've gotten. I know, you know, like I love you so much and I'm in this.

5:58And so I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with you about how you're feeling about the natural next steps that come in a relationship which would be engagement marriage do we want kids like how we're feeling about all of that I think I just want to open the conversation for us so we know if we are on the same page moving forward because it's important to me and I'm hoping it's important to you and so basically saying why don't we have an open discussion about timelines and how we see the future of this relationship like that is the that's the bare minimum start and it is okay if during this conversation you realize that each of you have slightly different ideal timelines when it comes to engagement I just want to first pause and be like that is okay sometimes it's more normal that people are like oh I wanted this and you wanted this like I actually think it's quite common maybe if you guys are on a little bit of different pages on the exact timeline, but I also want to acknowledge maybe some of the different factors that could be contributing to this misalignment.

7:06Maybe one of you in the relationship isn't feeling settled in your career yet. Maybe someone knows they need to do a little bit more self-work and work on themselves before they're ready to commit to a marriage, or maybe it's finance related right but what I want to really emphasize today is like these are things that you should be talking about and discussing when determining if your partner and you are ready to take the next step to get engaged like this is not a quick in and out conversation of like oh do you see a future together like do you want to get engaged and have kids and get married and it's like yes and it's like, whoa, I can't wait.

7:50Like, I'll see you at the aisle. Like, no, no, no, daddy gang. If you are going to agree that the goal is an engagement and marriage, there are so many conversations that need to be had before that. And I beg of you to have these conversations. Like, number one, are you aligned on wanting kids or not wanting kids? Do you have the same idea of what family means and values. Are you guys religious? Have you talked about that? Like what religion and how that would play into your dynamics moving forward? How are we navigating that? What are your career goals? Would you move if that was needed for one of you with your career?

8:29What is your financial situation? Like, do you even know how much this person makes? You need to know how much your partner makes before you are marrying them, daddy gang. Like you should never be getting engaged to someone if you don't have all of these answers right I hope okay everyone's like um I haven't asked any of this like please you need to be aligned on what you want out of life so when that you are initiating these bigger conversations about engagement in the future you have this clarity and you have this like okay great I then do want to get married right you shouldn't just like want to get married because you really like the person Oh, I love him.

9:13He's so great. Amazing. That, guess what, is the easiest fucking part of a relationship. Being attracted to someone and loving them, amazing. Hey guys, there's like nine million other things it takes to be a good partnership, to be a good parent, to be a good partner, to be like all of this. There's so much more to go into a fun engagement. I also want to emphasize for women listening, when you bring this up to your partner of like, hey, I want to talk about our future and all these things you should not be made to feel stupid for bringing this up you should definitely not be told that like oh well it's not your decision to make like I'm not talking about this with you what are you talking about what are you talking about yes it is my decision if we're gonna get married or not like what and I think it's really common and one of the most common that men try to minimize the conversation and they kind of shut it down when a lot of women bring it to them they'll be like yeah yeah we'll figure it out we'll figure it out that I feel like so many people have written into me being like I keep trying to have the like engagement conversation with my boyfriend and he like always somehow finds his way out of it and it's like we'll talk about it like you're stressing too much like stop being this and that first of all if someone says that to you like yeah we'll figure it out daddy gang I'm not gonna gaslight you today that's not a real answer if your partner continues to push it off or dismiss you or like no no what I think they're trying to do in that moment is make you feel needy and insecure and like you're doing too much and like yeah yeah we'll get there I'm here to tell you you're not doing too much you're actually doing the bare minimum of like trying to see where the relationship is at and if he won't engage biggest fucking red flag so you need to set a boundary with yourself that you will power through that conversation until you have clarity about the direction that you're both moving in do not let him dismiss the topic you need to leave the conversation with some clarity on where you both stand on things even if the clarity as hard as it can be but even if the clarity means that he is not thinking about your future together the same way that you are or even if you get clarity from him that he's not ready to discuss engagement.

11:35He wants it one day, but he's not there yet. Got it, great, now you know. And then you can make a decision if you wanna be with someone that is not prepared to think about taking the next step with you. And that's on you, but at least you know that, right? And I will note that I think sometimes women we can trick ourselves when we hear a guy put off a conversation we almost convince ourselves of all of the reasons why like no no it's fine and he'll come around and maybe I just caught him off guard like that's why he's being kind of dismissive when it's like I've lived it I'm telling you guys no like he is telling you he's not at the same place as you and he is avoiding having these conversations with you and you should never want to force someone to get there like if you continue to be that person that you keep kind of like trying to make it work and it's not working and then you're like making up all these excuses as to why just take what he's showing and telling you at face value like I have seen some girls write in who are like Alex my boyfriend I had the engagement conversation and I thought we were fully on the same page and we agreed to engagement but it's been two years and there is still no ring.

12:59Now, if I'm trying to give this man any fucking benefit of the doubt, because I rarely do on the show, give men the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is saving for the ring and that isn't going exactly as planned or maybe he's putting so much pressure on himself and he's waiting for this like perfect vacation moment to do it and the ring and all of it and it hasn't worked out and blah, blah, blah. But what I will say to all of you listening, if you are hitting the two-year mark, and dare I say even the year mark, after having a conversation with your boyfriend where you both decided you're ready to get engaged and you have literally heard nothing, it's just crickets for a year and then two years, I think it's more than okay to check back in.

13:46Like, but clarifying, obviously you're not going into the conversation like, hey, where the fuck is my ring? Like, you're a liar. you're a piece of shit liar no no you're kind of more checking in less about the engagement and I think it's more of like are we still on the same page I think you have to approach that conversation in a way that doesn't immediately put him on the defense let him share his side and hear him out but again this is a huge decision and you both want to be able to feel like you can be open and honest but I think you can go to him and be like hey I just wanted to have a check-in with our relationship I know that two years ago we talked about an engagement and I don't want me coming to you to come off as just solely like pressure where's the ring what's happening I'm coming to you more as a check-in to make sure that we are both on the same page and I just want to hear from you like what what's going on with you and how are you feeling because I'll be honest sometimes it really does take I guess two years for people to get things in order and they need to figure a lot of stuff out but what I want to emphasize is the way that works is the couple is actively communicating through the process of those two years like both sides are aware of what the hold up is you should never be sitting in your bathroom at night with a pit in your stomach before you get into bed with him because you guys just attended your friend's engagement and it was beautiful and it was amazing and meanwhile you're sitting there and you have zero fucking clarity on when yours is gonna be and it was two years ago that you guys had that conversation and you've never talked about it again like it shouldn't get to the point where it feels awkward to like watch a like wedding or an engagement scene in a movie and you both are like stiff and awkward on the couch because you're like oh my fucking god like we literally haven't talked about that in so long like I wonder what he's thinking no that is like guys what the fuck are we doing and I get it some people may think that it's hard to talk about this topic to their partner talk about like hey we said we're getting engaged nothing's happened but I think it's way more awkward to be unable to openly communicate with the person that you're about to spend the rest of your life with how are you going two years and never having a check-in since there wasn't a ring and we're just like both kind of skirting around it right listen if his feelings have changed let's just pretend they do right wouldn't you rather give him the space to voice that to you and be honest then continue to have this engagement timeline indefinitely continue to like lightly be pushed and pushed and pushed because he's too nervous to discuss it with you like you should never feel like you're being strung along aimlessly with no end date in sight but we also need to be self-aware as much as we're like okay it's always the man's problem daddy gang you have to look inward if this if you're in this current situation and ask yourself, like, are you making it impossible for him to even say that he's changed his mind?

17:10Are you the only one at dinner really talking about your future? And he's kind of this passive listener and you're so focused on getting the ring, getting the ring, I need the ring and getting married and the wedding and oh my God and all this stuff. You're not even able to see that the person sitting across from you isn't in it anymore the same way that you are. Everyone's situation is obviously gonna be slightly different, but overall, my advice is if something feels off, if you have a gut feeling, or even if nothing feels off, but you just wanna talk about it with your partner, then speak up and open the conversation up between you and your partner about timelines, engagement, marriage, and what you guys want for your future together.

17:54because this isn't about pressuring anyone into a decision, but it is about partnership and being on the same page and making decisions together. No one person in the relationship should get to call all the shots about what your future looks like. It is so valid to want a proposal to happen and want to be surprised and want to give yourself like this gorgeous moment where you're shocked and you're surprised and he's getting down on one knee and you're like, but also give yourself the autonomy in the decision ahead of time like don't be shocked that you're getting married like you're you don't have to be this like bride that's being like handed off and you've no decision like you do have autonomy you do and the right partner ladies will respect you for initiating these conversations and you will feel so much better to have that ring on your finger knowing that that man sees you as an equal partner going into your marriage.

18:56So listen, I know like I just kept saying like every situation is different for people but the theme that I continue to come back to is a lot of women being shocked of either he hasn't proposed, I don't know why. Stop asking yourself why and just go ask your partner. just literally turn to your right in bed and be like hey what's going on again it doesn't need to be about the actual physical ring and the actual act of the engagement it needs to be about you deserve to have an understanding of where your relationship is at and I will also say if you feel so in the dark and so upset and confused and lost but you still want this engagement from this person but you guys are that disconnected that you can't even like turn to him and just be like hey can we have a check-in like what's going on with our relationship and how are you feeling and I know we had a conversation about if you can't do that I would go as far to say you're not ready to get married because a marriage is so much more like I said than love and I could do a whole episode on that and I know I've only been married for so short but like I think something that I really tried to do with Matt and I'm not saying my relationship is perfect whatsoever but I think something I really, really tried to do with Matt, we both made a concerted effort to do is like we had some of the most uncomfortable, hard conversations before we even got engaged.

20:23We talked about money. We talked about family. We talked about religion. We talked about finances. We talked about character, values, moral, all the things that sometimes like led to like long multi-day discussions or we had to come back and talk about it or go to therapy. Like all of this led to then marriage now being pretty lovely and I'm not saying it's easy but like it's pretty great because we've already had those steps and we built that foundation if you can't have a hard conversation with your partner about actually something that's really exciting for the two of you then you probably know that you and your partner on very different pages and we should pause and stop talking about an engagement and we should more so focus on like hey let's work on our relationship and our communication and what we want and let's just put engagement off for two seconds like are we good because why would you want someone to propose to you just because they feel like they have to I want you guys to have the most special engagements ever daddy I want you guys to have someone who is head over heels for you and you deserve that but you also deserve to have a say in the decision before a man gets down on one fucking knee so I love you guys and I hope that was helpful I know it's stressful but it's helpful and if you guys want me to talk more about that topic I am happy to do so but um for now we are gonna go and do a little thing I like to call questions of the week I'm on vocal rest right now bitches so I'm not gonna do you know my big fucking intro and I also think like maybe you guys don't deserve it maybe you guys need to like miss it for a week and be like oh because if I give it to you guys every single week then you're gonna be like then it just becomes normal and then you're like we expect it every time so I want you guys to be like damn I really wish she did those weird voices because remember when you guys slightly used to bully me and tell me to stop sometimes maybe I just have to stop and now you're all like wait do it no let's answer some questions okay here we go

22:34Okay, Daddy Gang, question one. How do I ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come over without sounding rude or like a total bitch? We've been together for three years. We're both 25 and I almost never go to his place. Mostly because I'm a clean freak and he lives like a 12 year old boy. His room is always a mess. Clothes everywhere. Cluttered surfaces dusty and his sheets are rarely cleaned. Ew. Plus he has a German shepherd so there is dog hair everywhere. I literally have to wipe my feet before getting into his bed. Oh my god. I'd go over more if it wasn't so gross but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding naggy help.

23:12first of all babe you aren't sounding naggy you literally sound like an adult and you sound like you're dating your son like this is unacceptable and you should not be having to be like to a 25 year old like I he doesn't even have his sheets cleaned like these are like little I was gonna say cum stained sheets but now in hindsight like I doubt you guys are even having sex when you're over there because you're like I'm gonna get a fucking UTI from God knows what's on these sheets that's your boyfriend of three years and you guys are 25 years old you are adults you should have this conversation and I think what you have to say to him is babe I love you but I have to be really honest something that I've been struggling with in our relationship is I don't want to not just go to your apartment that's your space and being in a relationship is like going to mine and going to yours and the reason I never feel comfortable going to yours is because of the way that you keep your apartment and it's getting to the point where it doesn't feel like you care about your space and it's I'll be honest like it gets a little gross like I'm like going on these sheets that haven't been washed and it's like it feels like we're living in a frat house and we're both adults and I want to obviously be in a relationship with you but like how do I have this conversation without being disrespectful but also say to you like I need you to get your together my first worry though for you is like any man that I've ever met who has a disgusting investing apartment, it isn't just that that is a disaster in their life.

24:36Usually it means their jobs are a disaster or they're like emotionally a disaster, like something else in their life is also just so disorganized and a disaster. And so I think for you, I'm a little protective being like, girl, do you want to be with someone that acts like a boy, even though he's 25 years old? I think you deserve to have the conversation with him. But then I think you should also look inward and think to yourself, is this showing up in other areas? from one messy former messy bitch to you I would say there is a difference if your clothes are everywhere and whatever but then there's also like if I ever had a guy over my New York City apartment I would clean that shit up before he came over it's almost like common courtesy you can be disgusting in your own space but you shouldn't force other people to feel disgusted so I think that you need to have a conversation about setting a boundary and kind of these like expectations in your relationship and I know it sounds maybe weird for some people because we're talking about fucking sheets and dog hair but it's probably just based off of this one little question you wrote in I bet if I asked you a follow-up it's probably showing up in other areas of relationship I know that boys obviously mature later than girls but it's not an excuse not to just like get a fucking cleaner okay or clean it yourself and last point what you're not gonna do is you are not going to give up because you've said this to him multiple times he doesn't listen to you and then you become his mother and his maid and you end up cleaning up we are not going to do that okay I'm sorry that's literally disgusting um okay question two I started hooking up with this guy casually toward the end of college nothing serious just fun then by chance we both ended up moving to the same city after graduation since then we've kept seeing each other he's super consistent calls all the time takes me out and is honestly such a great guy but for some reason I still can't bring myself to actually date him he asked to be exclusive more than once and I kept saying I'm not ready I like him and I know he'd treat me right but I just can't shake this feeling that something is missing am I being ridiculous is this a me problem should I just grow up and realize how good I have it please help okay um if there was ever like a definition to the word settling, everyone, this is the perfect example.

26:55This is a classic textbook. Boom, boom, boom. You know, I could just move on and say, no, this is called settling. To break it down a little bit more for you, I would say that it feels like you only like him because it's comfortable. You guys moved to a new city, obviously. You don't know that many people. he's comfortable he's familiar and he's nice to you so obviously you're like fuck I guess I'll just keep hooking up with him but you know in your heart you don't actually want to take it to the next step and date him I also think when you've known someone for that long and you still don't want to take the next step then you just start to kind of waste your time and I'm not saying that you can't keep hooking up with him but I'm always a firm believer in like you won't find the love of your life or your next boyfriend if you're still fucking around with like previous energy you need to like get rid of that so that you because you do carry a certain energy when you're out at the bar and you're you're looking for guys but at the back of your head you know like I could just still call Steve and he'll come over that is giving you a constant out and you're not being forced to be uncomfortable put yourself out there because you have this guy in the back burner what I also will say is I understand that it's really hard to have a really nice guy and be like is there something wrong with me that I can't see it but I need ladies to like really really really take this to heart because it took me a really long time to also figure this out a man being a nice guy to you is bare minimum the fact that you're like I don't know if I should leave him because he's just such a nice guy if that's the only reason you're not leaving him I get it there's so many assholes and dicks and gaslighters and love bombers out there in the world I get it I've dated so many of them but don't just stay with someone because they're nice to you we are literally licking crumbs off the floor girls like I believe there will be another man that's also nice to you that you're attracted to and you're into and you're in love with and you want to spend the rest of your I know it's out there for you so stop settling and let's move on okay next question daddy please help I left college junior year when I got pregnant and I moved back home, which was about a six hour drive from where my friends are still in school.

29:12When I was pregnant, everyone was super supportive. My friends even made the long drive to come to my baby shower. But once I actually had my daughter, I felt a shift. She's nine months old now and none of my closest friends have met her. I get that they're still in college and living their lives and I don't expect them to drop everything, but it's hard to not feel hurt. They spend money going out, traveling, partying, and they haven't made the effort to visit. I love them, but if they don't care about meeting my daughter, I'm starting to wonder if they should still be in my life. This is really tough because I hate to say that I see both sides.

29:47I do want to just validate you like, yeah, that's really fucking shitty that they haven't even met your daughter. And again, I don't have all the details, but if they were never like, girl, I know this semester is insane for us like we need to facetime like send us pictures like blah blah blah um I want to validate you like I can imagine that really hurts because it's one thing if you left and then they kind of never followed up but the fact that they made the effort to your baby shower it's like damn but then now I have the kid and like you won't even like come and see me once what I do always want to do though is now let's think from their perspective and I think that the most selfish point of my entire life and most people's lives is when you're in college.

30:29You are a fake adult. You have responsibilities, but you really don't have responsibilities because hindsight is always 20-20. And then when you get into your 20s and you actually have a real job and you actually have to take care of yourself and make a living for yourself, but also a living that will last you the rest of your life, you're like, oh my God, I had it so easy in college. I was literally a baby a baby and so everyone in college is looking to just enjoy themselves and go out and have fun and I'll be honest thinking about driving six hours to go see a baby yes for your friend but I'm just trying to I'm trying to just get in their headspace for you not saying I would do this myself but like why I'm thinking they probably haven't visited is because one they're probably be like girl you can make half the effort too like I'm not gonna drive six fucking hours on a Friday no the best fucking party is happening like do you know what I'm saying they're not in the position that you're in right now and I think that's what you have to realize is you are quite literally on the opposite spectrum of life and where you're at compared to your friends right now your friends are in selfish mode, party mode, you know, fun friendship mode, boy mode.

31:41Like they're not, if anything, they like probably get the ick from babies right now. They're probably like, I don't even want to be near a baby. Like I, you know what I mean? So I think a lot of people are probably like not as interested as you would like. And I can imagine that hurts, but I think first you maybe have to recognize and accept where they're at. And I also think you need to stop dwelling so much and how they're not showing up for you and start showing up for yourself. So is there somewhere you can now build a new friend group? Maybe you can start to go where other moms that you've met, whether it's through, you know, daycare or if there's like a mommy and me class that you could join or whatever it be at the park that you meet other women.

32:22Like, I think you need to start finding people that are at the same place as you. And I do think you could reach out to your friends but I do think you may need to meet them halfway I think you could say hey I know you guys are super busy I'm super busy I would love for you to meet my daughter like would love to brainstorm with you guys like how we could make that happen and also aside from her like I miss you guys and to try to make you not feel as bad also about maybe why they have kind of left you and not come to see you I think there's something too when you're really young and immature like everyone is in college like they maybe feel shame maybe they feel really bad and so I think all of this does though come down to you're at different life stages but I do think you should communicate this to your friends because I think they probably are embarrassed that they didn't show up for you and now they're just digging themselves into a bigger hole because they're like I literally don't know what to do like she's a full-blown child and I'm like fucking taking jello shots off of like girls tits on a Friday like we are not the same anymore but one day you guys may all be back at that same place in life so maybe give it another shot um okay next question hi daddy I need help I recently decided my look didn't make me feel confident I wanted to try out a new aesthetic so I went from long long brown hair to a blonde pixie shortcut and bleached brows and I've also been switching up my style I feel so much better about myself the issue is I can tell my boyfriend finds it less attractive.

33:55He would never say it, but I can see in his forced responses and small comments that he preferred the way I looked before. I'm genuinely conflicted about this. Feeling the loss of attraction for my boyfriend is killing me, but I truly love how I look now. Should I go back to what I know he liked? What do I do? Okay. First of all, I think all this is coming down to, and it's kind of like what I talked about at the beginning of this episode, you need to talk to him like so many things I think in relationships understandably don't get resolved because no one fucking has the balls to say it because I get it it's like if you don't bring it up immediately then time has gone on and then you're both living in this space and you haven't been acknowledging how fucking weird this is but then one it's just talk to him I think you can sit him down and say hey babe I wanted to talk to you because I know I made a pretty drastic change to my appearance and it sounds like you didn't warn him or tell him about it.

34:52And I can feel in moments when we're talking, there's this disconnect where I'll be honest, sometimes I even think you're kind of making me feel like you don't like the way I look now. You're not like outwardly saying that, but it's these little things like you used to say, I'm beautiful and I'm used to say that and you don't say that anymore. So from contextual clues that you're giving me, I'm gathering that you're not trying to smash, okay? And I want you to want to smash, but I also want you to respect my decisions. And so I think you need to have an open conversation. Here's my thought process, because men are so fucking dense.

35:27Number one, if you didn't give your boyfriend a heads up about this transformation, not that you needed to, everyone's different in a relationship. I think if I was gonna make a big change, I would go to Matt, not at all for his approval, but one, I would want his just like first like to tell him So he was in the know of like a big decision that I was going to do to myself because we are in a partnership. And I think that's kind of like the kind thing to do sometimes. Also, I would want to hear his opinion. Like and if he was like, no, then I'd be like, well, I really want to do it. But I want you to hear from me why.

35:58My biggest fear for you is because none of this happened. Maybe your boyfriend is literally like, I have no idea what's going on with her. Like she bleached her fucking brows. She cut her hair to a bob. she changed all of her hair cut like what is going on and you guys know the fucking memes on the internet and all of us know when everyone's like when a girl cuts her hair and fucking dyes it she's having a mental breakdown maybe he thinks you're having a fucking mental breakdown and he's like what is going on and maybe you're not or maybe you are but you guys need to talk about it right um but I can validate you in saying like men are so fucking stupid and instead of him just initiating be like hey babe like I just want to talk about like I love you and I was more just like thrown off because you didn't give me a heads up so I'm just like acclimating the fact that he's making these little jabs it's not okay you are happy and you like the way that you look and that is so important that's all that fucking matters and he needs to get on board but I do think you need to give him the chance to get on board you need to include him in this conversation you need to go in not be attacking because he may be like you've been acting a little whatever and I just didn't know what's been going on so I've been kind of treading lightly just like waiting to see if you're okay.

37:08Like you don't know where he's coming from until you fucking talk to him. And he won't know where you're coming from of all these hurt things that he's lightly saying things until you express it to him. So communication, it literally is the most annoying fucking thing because it's like, duh. And then you get there and you're like, how do I fucking get these words out? Listen, the amount of times, I mean, Matt and I've talked about this. We've had so many fucking hard conversations that now if anything we're like okay I hate this but we have to talk you can even start it like that like this is gonna be awkward or this is gonna be whatever but if you're really in love it shouldn't be awkward the awkward part is just starting a friction full conversation and then once you get into it if you have a respectful partner who will always validate you and respect you you will be able to get through all of these conversations with fucking flying colors that you can okay if you're constantly so scared though after a few intense conversations that you've had with partners this is a big advice that I think I can share with you guys a lot of times being uncomfortable with going to a partner it doesn't even sometimes in the beginning have to do with your partner right it's because one as a woman I just feel like we're trained to be like just shut the fuck up and grin and bear it and you're like wait no I'm like really uncomfortable and I don't want to live this way and so you go back and forth between trying to just like be easy and appease the situation but then also standing up for what you know so the first hard moments and hurdles you get over when you're trying to establish having deep honest but sometimes uncomfortable conversations your relationship your fear is coming from yourself because you're like oh my god I hate fucking having conversation conversations but once you have a couple in your relationship and your partner proves to be someone that is reciprocating and wants to engage with you then it should get easier and easier if it doesn't get easier and easier, then it's not as much about your past as someone who's struggling to be confrontational.

39:02And it's more about probably what you're being met with across the table. Your partner is showing you you should be scared to have these type of conversations because I'm not going to respect you. I'm going to yell at you. I'm going to demean you. I'm going to put you down. And that's what we have to figure out, ladies, is like, are you in a relationship where your partner actually genuinely wants to fucking grow with you and wants to solve problems? or does he want to win the fucking fights? Next question.

39:48Hi, Daddy. I need your advice on something that's been bothering me for a while. One of my closest friends has had this habit of constantly one-upping me in conversations and it's starting to wear me down. No matter what I share, she always finds a way to respond with something bigger and better. If I say I had a hard day at work, she had it worse. If I mention a cool place I traveled to, she's been somewhere cooler. If I share a win, she somehow has a more impressive one ready to go. I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, but it makes me feel small. How do I bring this up without sounding jealous or overly sensitive?

40:23okay oh my god I feel like we've all known that one person that does that we're like oh my god I had the worst day me too oh my god you don't and you're like oh okay okay or you're like oh my god I had such a good conversation with my boss today they told me I'm gonna get a raise wait I got a raise wait let me tell you so I and you're like okay and then you just sit there and sip your fucking drink and you're like why what is even the point of me opening up to you a lot of times I think there's two parts to this in a friendship which I'm I hate to admit number one I think a lot of times when someone does something like this and consistently does something like this they're always acting from a place of insecurity and they also are not hearing themselves I think this is a very unselfaware person they're unable to see how they are acting in a conversation and they're going all based off of like these knee-jerk reactions and it's all reaction-based out of their insecurity and so I'll be honest if this is one of your closest friends I definitely think you should have a conversation but if I'm going to be even more honest than that I I would go as far to say sometimes people like this it's going to take a really long time for this person to change and it's going to take potentially a lot of friendships being lost for this person for them to finally go to therapy and be like why have I lost all of my closest friends in the past few years and then they realize like wow I am acting selfish and I'm acting insecure and like I every time my friend is talking to me all I'm doing is finding an in to make it about myself and who the fuck would want to be around someone that is constantly turning the conversation back towards themselves like we've all been there where you are listening to your friend and they're so normal to be like okay wait I'm I'm not making this about me I just want to like relate to you for a second so I want to share with you like this has happened to me and when this happened to me I felt this way so I want to validate you because I've been there or I'm gonna bring this back to you because I'm just want to let you know like I went through this and what I learned was this not that it's the same as yours but I just want to share it like friendship is knowing when to it's all about the person let them have their fucking moment or if you're gonna make it about yourself it's because you're bringing it back to your friend and then all of a sudden once you handle your friend then it is going to be your turn to speak but who wants to have a relationship that doesn't have reciprocity of like you go first and I'll go second or I go first and you go second um I think what you can do is have a conversation you can be like hey I feel like every time I go to share something with you we somehow get to this place where it immediately becomes this comparison and I don't feel great when that happens because a lot of times I'm coming to you and I am trying to confide in you and then it somehow becomes about you and I wanna just have a conversation because I love you and I love our friendship but I'm struggling to open up to you because a lot of times I'm looking to just kind of like talk through things and then I also of course wanna talk through your stuff but the comparison and almost this like competitive nature is is I'll be honest with you and I know this is like a little bit of a tough and awkward conversation but like I'm shutting down and I and I don't want to hide this from you I want to be honest with you about like is there a way that we can have a more effective communication when we're together my fear for you is this is like a really really deep-rooted habit that you can try and you can try but sometimes you got to know like maybe this isn't the person that you're sharing a lot of stuff with because you're not going to get your end result and you're not going to get support you're just going to be met with like I'm wasting my fucking time and as we get older as adults I think that's like the scariest thing when it comes to friendships is you start to really figure out like who you want to invest your time in because you don't have as much time when you're getting older and you have more responsibilities and you have your romantic relationship and your family stuff and so when you have a friend that is that combative and competitive it's hard to move forward I'm sorry though that really fucking sucks um okay next question father Cooper please help I feel so awkward talking about sex not just with my boyfriend but even with my friends I don't know why I want to be more open and confident but I get shy and uncomfortable I don't care when other people talk about it but I never feel natural jumping into the conversation I want to spice things up with my boyfriend too but I'm struggling to bring anything up or to be talkative all of it how can I be more confident talking about this okay honey you came to the right place um my first bit of advice is it's gonna be first it's gonna be baby steps right like you are not just tomorrow gonna be a fucking freak you know you're not gonna be hitting him with some grade a dirty talk overnight and feeling like oh my god I'm confident duh it's baby steps because let's be honest like this is deeply ingrained in us from how we were raised right and most people not only do most people not grow up in a sex positive household most people are growing up in a household that it's actually met with shame shame especially for women to talk about sex to talk about the act of sex or pleasure or even enjoying or touching yourself or enjoying any of it like for boys it's more common for girls it's a no-no so that deep shame from such a young age from the first memory you have of anything sexual that's going to stay with you and it's going to be really hard to retrain I do think though there are things that you can personally start doing alone before you feel the pressure to do it with your boyfriend or to do it in public and engage with your friends who maybe be more outwardly sexually liberated I think that you can start liberating yourself from within.

46:16And so my number one, number one, number one piece of advice is girl, you need to start reading smut. Good old smut. Okay. I think porn is so fucking scary. Like we don't need the giant penises. We don't need the like fake orgasms. We don't need all like the terrifying over-performing stuff. I think you need good grade A smut. And I have just the book for you because I read it last year and I've recommended it to all my friends who are ever in a little bit of a sexual slump. Twisted, it's called the Twisted series. Read Twisted Love and you will be horny and you will be turned on and you will be like, oh my God, why is my vagina throbbing?

47:02I'm getting excited. Some of it's a little like, okay, this would never happen, but the sex stuff, it'll get you right where you need to be and you may be laying next to your boyfriend and you're reading all of this. And what I would say is one, act on it, obviously, if you're turned on and you're like, wait, I'm going to put my book down and I want to have sex. But number two, I think that you could journal. I think you could journal about your sexual fantasies or journal about sexual things that you like or want to do. Or you could even as simple as write down in your journal some of your favorite lines from this twisted book and be like, Like that really turned me on.

47:41Starting there, I think in this like fantasy world will allow you to slowly ease in. And it's not so much pressure on you because you're just engaging with this world that's fun. And like, I'm telling you, you shouldn't feel weird because I was like, oh my God, I'm so turned on from this. And I told Lauren to read it and I told all my friends to read it. And everyone's like, this is fucking hot. So yes, I think start with that. But listen, I get it. I think everyone has a different relationship to sex. And when Caller Daddy started, I think that was one of like clearly the biggest things that was the goal of this show, right?

48:11And as much as people can look back and whether there were like moments that were problematic or a little too much, like the goal was to take it all the way to the point that it maybe did make people feel uncomfortable. But we are so fucking shamed for even talking about sex that if we're going all the way to the other side, maybe hopefully it can help women get a little bit closer to center of like, you deserve to embrace your sexuality. You deserve to enjoy sex. You deserve to be able to like masturbate and not be like, oh my God, why do I feel so awkward when I'm masturbating? It's because of the shame.