"I Got Out of An Abusive Relationship"

32:12Right. Right. So before I came to Harvest Home, I was, like I said, in and out of treatment. My current partner at the time, he, you know, kept, you know, kept trying to help me. He just didn't know how. So he would, you know, encourage me to go to treatment and show up at treatments where I was at and be there for me and be consistent and be, you know, supportive. And And he believed in me, you know. So I found out I was pregnant. I was in my addiction. I could not stop. I wanted to stop. And I would pray every night crying, you know, that I was scared that I was hurting my baby. And I just couldn't stop, you know.

32:59So then he's like, I think you should go back to treatment, right? And I run away. so that's how I ended up sleeping in a car you know out on the street um for a few weeks and then um I knew something had to change you know so I started googling places uh I was too far along to go into detox without risk of losing my son and then I was too far along to go into a treatment right and nobody else would take me so then I found Harvest Home I called them I did the interview and then I was really hoping that you know they would call me back and they called me back the next day with an in-person interview and then they interviewed me in person and the person that interviewed me um it was such like a spiritual thing like every time I talk about it I always cry because I remember being so desperate for help and so desperate for God, you know, and guidance that I think it just put me exactly where I needed to be because she ended up just praying for me out of nowhere.

34:12You know, and I was so grateful for that.

34:20because that kind of kick-started a much deeper relationship that I have with my god, you know, and that's how I got into Harvest Home, you know, I think I was like, what, six, six and a half months pregnant or so, and I got into the Venice house, and And, you know, I was doing counseling and therapy and all these classes that I had to do just to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row. Because I was terrified that they were going to take my baby away. Because I had drugs in my system, right?

35:01And I don't know. Like, since I was a little girl, like, I always played with my baby dolls and being a mom, you know, and playing house. and that's what I wanted to be, a mom, you know? So I was scared that they were going to take my son away. So I tried to be proactive. No, I did. I was proactive, you know, with everything that I was doing, my counseling, my medications, my therapy, my psychiatrist, everything and everything I was just taking care of. I was in and out of that Venice house like crazy. And of course, he comes early when I'm totally unprepared. I had nothing. I literally had nothing, right?

35:42And I came home one day to my room in Venice and there was like this big bassinet with all kinds of baby clothes.

35:55With all kinds of baby clothes and bottles and like bibs and everything that I didn't have that I needed, you know, I was so grateful, um, because he came early, and, uh, you know, they were telling me that there might be some risks of him, like, withdrawing them, you know, from birth, and I had heard so many stories from being in and out of the rooms of NA, um, you know, you hear stories, and you hear people of their babies, like, you know, being addicted and growing you know withdrawing when they were born and i was praying every night in my room that he would be okay and by the grace of god he didn't experience one single symptom oh my gosh angie he was a whole month early no withdrawals no breathing problems no stomach problems, nothing.

36:58I knew I would never, ever touch another drug in my life. Like he had given me such a miracle and such proof of his presence that I was like, I'm never turning back. I'm always going to go forward and I'm not going to give this gift up ever, you know, because I didn't care for my life, of course, you know, because I was just doing such reckless things during my addiction, but he was born and nothing happened i was just like never again such a blessing wow i um thank you for sharing that story because even just you talking about that it's and i'm sure everyone watching and listening like i can see understandably how hard you were being on yourself because you have this baby coming but to hear the beginning of your story and how this man and beat down your confidence so intensely, how he was abusing you, how you were in this really, really horrible situation to the point where it drove you one day after getting that surgery to be like, oh my gosh, this alleviates that pain.

38:07And I don't want to live in this pain of being abused. And then this cycle just, it continued. And then now to see where you're sitting here today, like you are a fighter that got through that abuse. And so many of these things that happened to you were because of what he put you through and how beautiful that you were able now to give your child this better life. And it's because of you. It's not because of him. It's because of you and the work that you did on yourself. It's incredible. When someone in Angie's position does reach out looking for that immediate help, what does the intake process look like?

38:48Yeah, so she mentioned our Venice home. So we have all of our new residents enter in through our home in Venice. And, you know, we first just do an interview to make sure they're okay, make sure they're safe. You know, do they have a place where they're, you know, able to be for the immediate future, right, for the next couple of days until we're able to bring them in. And but it really is just a conversation of like where, you know, what is happening in your life? What are the needs that you have? What are the goals that you have? How can we support you in those things? And really the entire design of our home in Venice is really just providing a place for women to feel safe and to stabilize.

39:31And so our goal is to help women, you know, come in as quickly as possible. it is kind of funny because you know the things that typically within our process like well we're not a domestic violence shelter even though we show we serve a lot of women who are walking out of that experience or through that experience and we're not rehab you know and it's it's really funny to me that in both of those situations for Angie like that is you know you weren't actively in a domestic violence situation when you when you came to Harvest Home but but to me it just it shows how important it is to take a risk on people and believe in them, right?

40:09And this woman has just, it's just so amazing all of it. She's like walked through and accomplished in the last couple of years. So. Angie, I know obviously you started in the first Venice location and then you eventually became a long-term resident at Harvest Home. How did that feel and how did it go? um it was a little scary at first you know just because um there's more people in this house because it's bigger right and um but as far as like the you know dealing with the baby i was already kind of in a routine because he came early i actually had him at the venice house when he was supposed to be here you know they move us here before we have our babies and um he just wanted to come.

40:55So he was early. Um, but when I came here, um, you know, I was already kind of ready, you know, in a routine of the baby. Right. But then when I started doing the groups with the other moms and the other babies and seeing each other's process and, um, progress and process with the babies and, you know, being able to bounce off like concerns and ideas and like, you know, just kind of check in on each other. I'm like, Hey, I heard you had a rough night last night because, you know, I was up to, you know, like, are you OK? Like, yeah, I'm good, you know, or, you know, just kind of being there for each other, because as a new mom.

41:34Not everybody understands unless you've been through it or you're in it, you know what I mean? And a lot of my friends and support groups, support system, you know, their children are older, you know, so they're not in the infant toddler stages. Right. So having somebody to be you know in with it you know like we're in it together we're we're doing this thing together we're you know we're doing it at the same time it just gives you kind of like more confidence and like strength to do so i was like well if she can do it i can do it right kind of like bouncing off of each other and i've met so many wonderful women in here like with just such big caring hearts it's just a blessing you know and to see their children grow and to see them grow with their children like as a mother as a woman as whatever they're doing in their field it's so cool you know to see them blossom to who they really are especially from hearing their stories of where they came from you know it's just like yeah girl get it you know like that's right no it's Obviously, I think there's nothing more powerful than community through women to uplift each other.

42:50Can you remember a time where another woman here really helped you through a difficult time during those first initial months of having your son? Yeah. I think I really do well on praise, right? I found that out. I think everybody does to an extent. And I remember this woman was so genuine with her admiration towards me, I guess is the word, that it made me feel so good that I wanted to keep doing better. You know what I mean? And she was so like, you are so strong. I always see you. You're on top of your stuff and you're in and out and you're always busy and you're always doing something. And I know that if you can do it, I can do it.

43:42She's like, I always looked up to you. And she is just such a sweet, sweet, kind, loving person that I gravitated toward her, too, because she was so strong. And even her story, too, she was just she's the gentlest woman I think I've ever met, you know. And she helped me a lot through a lot of times that she probably doesn't even know that I was struggling mentally. And she would just come up to me and tell me random little things. She's like, damn, she's like, I really admire how you do A, B and C, you know. And she probably has no idea that like that helped me so much. And also hearing, Angie, from the years that you experienced the complete opposite of people telling you you weren't worthy and you weren't going to amount to certain things, like to have other women that have no agenda other than just being honest, being like, I recognize these beautiful parts of you.

44:44how amazing then you are internalizing those finally for the first time in a long time and you deserve to internalize those because they're accurate to who you are as a woman um how do you think when you look back at your time at harvest home did your confidence shift from what we did initially talk about where it was you didn't have that confidence at all oh boy uh it's a complete 180 i still struggle you know with my little yeah negative talk uh but yeah, like, because, you know, Harvest Home, like, we cook for each other, right? Like, we cook, like, once a week for each other, and I forgot how much I love to do that, right?

45:25So, like, certain little things that they implement here in the program that kind of reawaken some things in you, right? Like, whether it's exercising or crafts or cooking or just being with the littles you know and um I think the cooking really helped me get into that a lot because it's such a love language for me like I've always loved cooking and I love cooking for everybody else so like that made me feel so capable and the kitchen makes me feel in control you know because I know what I'm doing with these things and I know what the timing of everything is like so it's my my little center of control right like I can't control anything else but I can control how this dinner's gonna look great so um that helped me a lot personally you know the cooking especially you know when everybody enjoyed it and they weren't faking it you know so that was even the best thing like I remember one of the girls was um she when I first the first meal I cooked I think was like a marry me chicken or something like that she's like dang that chicken was fire and she had never talked to me before right she's like chicken was fire she's like and that rice was perfect.

46:38I was like, I've been making rice since I was like eight, you know? And so that felt really good, you know? So I was just like, okay, well, I'll keep cooking, you know? And then every time I cook, no complaints, you know? And it was, that made me feel really capable. And it makes me so happy for you because you did say, you know, in that those relationships you had, you were supposed to take care of that household and you were cooking for these men. And it wasn't met with anything of thank yous or appreciation. And so the fact that you do have such a love for it, but you probably lost that love because it came with control and fear, you now got to reassociate something you love so much and have people be not only just enjoying your food, but also giving you thanks for something that you put a lot of hard work into, which is beautiful.

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54:16Like you have really strong outcomes and see so many women being successful. And it really is that communal relationship building and certainly among the residents, but also from our staff, like the staff, we have such a caring staff that truly sees the women here as valuable and worthy and capable and just has such vision for their goals to come to fruition. And so I think that's so amazing. But on the community relationship side, so that nightly dinner, so every night, Monday through Friday, 6 o 'clock, our residents sit down and share a meal together. And I would say the number, I mean, Harvest Home is 40 years old.

54:59Like the piece of feedback that I feel like is most consistent is how stabilizing and normalizing just that nightly dinner practice was. And just, I mean, the number of women who have said like, I thought that was just on TV. Like people actually do this and then moving out on their own. And like, they're like, I have a toddler and I'm still cooking my nightly dinner, you know, for my toddler. And so that, but what I love is you could literally go to that dinner on a Monday and everybody's mood and energy would be one way. And on the Tuesday, it's like completely opposite end of the spectrum you know nobody talks or whatever but that isn't that what real life feels like isn't that what family feels like that we feel safe we can show up in our home however we we need to just as we are and so that though and then every night monday through friday we have classes as well and so we mentioned the group therapy um but each of those times they're just the times for women to connect they're they're building skills they're learning you know, new things.

55:58But I think what it solidifies over and over again is I'm not alone. Like there's other people who are walking through this same thing. And, and then, you know, like Angie mentioned, like it's the, the moments in the kitchen in the morning where like two bleary eyed women are like, I heard your kid last night, you heard my kid, you know? And, um, those things are just like, oh gosh, these postpartum bodies, like, whoa, I'm didn't expect this to happen. And, you know, just I actually think that after my own like experience becoming a mother, realizing how isolating in general the experience of becoming a parent can be.

56:36And so what a gift it is to really be able to I mean, I consider it such a gift to be able to have community with our residents here. And it's just, you know, it's it's really wonderful. It is really beautiful. you know when we volunteered here seeing these women the way they interact with each other the respect that they have for each other the community that you have built here and you have built here with all these women it is really inspiring you know Angie I know eventually obviously you left Harvest Home because you were ready for independent living but after years and years of being put down by these romantic partners and experiencing abuse how did the positivity of Harvest Home change your outlook for what your future could look like when you were ready to leave?

57:29When I left I was still really nervous but I felt more grounded I felt more capable I felt more sure of myself as a mother right so next I had to work on all the other areas, right? Like I had to get my foot back in the door of like school to get, you know, where I wanted to go. And it gave me the confidence to do it. You know, it gave me the confidence to actually be like, yeah, I can do that instead of like, oh no, I don't know if I can or making excuses because I'm good at making excuses for myself, you know, or no, I have a kid or, oh no, no, I can't do it with my son or blah, blah, blah. No, Harvest Home gave me the confidence to say, I can do this and that and more.

58:14You know what I mean? And I did. I was able to go to school. I finished my course as a peer support specialist, medical peer support specialist. And I'm going to take my state exam soon, and I'll be working in the field soon. I'm not sure where I'm going to end up at, but I'm confident that it'll be okay. I'm not terrified by the future and I'm not like super scared about it, you know? So it gave me like a good footing. It gave our relationship a good footing to start off on and to continue to seek help, which we have, you know, me and my partner have, he's in counseling. He does his therapy. I do my counseling i do my therapy we keep up on our uh on our agendas you know like we we do things differently we hear each other out it's the healthiest relationship i've been in we've had our ups and downs but that wouldn't have been possible you know without the experience that i had here without the therapy the classes the the hope you know the hope that i got here you you know, that the courage, the, they believe, like she said, they believed in me before I did in myself, right?

59:29They loved on me until I could love on myself because I'm always the one to love everybody else. And I forget to fill up my own cup, you know, and, um, they're always on, what are you doing for yourself? What are you going to do for yourself tonight? What are you going to do for you today? You know, and they always bring me back to self, right? Because that's where it starts that's where everything begins within me you know um it's been invaluable you know um now I have my own two bedroom now I have both of my kids full time you know and including my oldest and I've been fighting to get my oldest and I finally have him you know he's nine years old and he's finally with me I'm sorry I'm just so happy that he's with me I'm so happy for you.

1:00:20How did that feel when you finally got custody of both of your boys? Surreal. I was fighting for it and it just happened in an instant, you know, and I was just so happy. And, you know, we're building our, we're starting to build our routine, you know, we're starting to build our little schedule with my son, you know, the old, my oldest, Draven. and he seems so happy there. You know, he never wanted to go home anyways when he did come and visit, you know, and that's why I got the two bedroom, you know, to be able to have the space for both of them. And I want to give them what I never had. You know, I want them to be able to have their voice.

1:01:08I want them to have a choice in what they want to do. I want them to feel safe to come to me to tell me anything right and I've been practicing that with my oldest because through the transition between coming with me and coming from his dad you know it's there's a difference you know and there's some you know issues in between that we're you know kind of smoothing out in the process but I just love that I'm present enough today that I'm here enough today as my whole self to be able to be there for my son. Like my mom tried, you know, and she did the very best she could. And I love my mother, but today we have more tools.

1:01:58We have more knowledge. We have more information, right? So I want to carry all of that into, I want to pour all of into my son and I want to you know make him realize what Harvest Home made me realize you are enough you are worthy you can do whatever you want you know so to be able to pour what they poured into me into my children means a lot to me because it's done a lot for me and I want that for my kids you know well they are very lucky boys they have a very strong mother who has fought so hard to be able to be present for them and be there and change the course of your history and you know transgenerational trauma and what your mom went through and who you are today like that takes strength and that takes true effort it takes pain it takes time it is not easy i think a lot of people think, oh, well, then just get better, just get better.

1:03:03And it's like, this is for the rest of your life. We have to work on ourselves for the rest of our life. And it can either be scary or you can embrace it. And it's so clear that you have embraced this part of your life and it's going to change yours and your family's lives, which is so beautiful. I also think in wrapping up one of the last things I do want to emphasize, because I think this is so applicable to everyone who will watch this episode is the power of women and community. And obviously, there's a lot of times where women can feel pitted against each other and we can feel like there's competition in a room.

1:03:40But Harvest Home and your story today is such a testament to when we do come together as women, how powerful it can be and how we can actually get ourselves out of these horrible situations that we should have never had to have been in in the first place, but it happens. If you guys have any advice maybe for people listening, if someone is, you know, watching and they have a friend who is in a toxic or abusive relationship right now, how can a friend be there to support their friend through that time? Like, what's the right way to do that in your opinion? Keep showing up. That's what I would say.

1:04:21um the you know you touched on that number of how many times it takes for someone to actually walk away um also shared early on in our conversation about how isolating you know those those unsafe relationships can feel and um keep showing up just keep showing up don't always and it doesn't every conversation it's to what angie just spoke of of wanting her children to feel safe coming to her. Be the person that people feel safe coming to without judgment, without shame, without harping on the boyfriend or the person all the time. Be the safe person. Keep showing up. Yeah. Angie, do you have any advice that you wish you could go back and share with your former self?

1:05:10um don't go with that guy don't do it um listen to your gut uh definitely that um trust myself more right trust your gut trust your instinct trust who you are right because when somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time trust yourself listen to yourself but trust who you are as a woman, you know, trust who, what you want, what you don't want, what you tolerate, what you don't tolerate. Trust that. Don't budge for anybody or anything. That's what I would tell myself. It is so beautiful that you are at a place where you can be sitting on this couch and giving advice to women, right?

1:05:57Who may be in a position where you were years ago. Like, how does that feel? uh i uh i have no words honestly um i never thought i would be here because i believed that for so long that i was gonna die a gutter junkie you know i believed that for so so long so now that um i'm here today it's surreal i still don't know how to feel um i'm sure i'm awake that hurt um like pinch myself yeah we're good yeah um it's just surreal you know and um i'm so glad that my um my friends were right you know like my biggest asset is my story and my story is the biggest thing that can help somebody else and for a bit like a long time i'd be like i don't have anything to say i don't have anything worth blah blah blah again that's just my uh my little negative side talking and I've you know we put work I've put work into that into just kind of brushing it off be like that's not true you know like um so those positive affirmations the confidence building the um it takes some effort it takes some time it feels weird at first but it's worth it because now like I believe it and I don't believe the negative anymore I don't focus on the negative I believe I focus on the positives you know like those little glimmers during the day.

1:07:23I start my day with a gratitude list. I start my day with prayer. I start my day with the verse of the day, you know, and that's how I start my day with gratitude, you know, like an attitude of gratitude. And that's what's helped me so much because I came from nothing. You know, I have never had a stable place in my life for more than like a year until recently. you know i've moved so much so now that i'm stable with my kids in my own place with my name on it right i have the keys for it they're mine you know it's just amazing you know um it feels so good you know to be able to tell my kids like this is our home nobody can get mad at me and say get out nobody can tell me I'm done with you get out you know I'm the boss I'm the one that has that it's my house right so it's our house with my kids of course but I like it's my house let's go right I have it decorated how I want to I clean it how I want to I organize that how I want to and uh my partner just says yes which he's the best for he's like you know what babe sure yeah Do your thing.

1:08:47And you deserve that. Your story is so inspiring. And I'm so happy for you to hear how you started to where you are now. Again, it's just a testament to you did that. And obviously Harvest Home had such an impact. Sarah, if someone is listening who wants to support Harvest Home, what is the best way for them to get involved? Yeah, absolutely. Well, if you're here in LA, we would love to have folks join us as any way they're ready to step in. Honestly, volunteers, I think that's another relational aspect we didn't really talk about of just when women have been isolated and people show up and say like, hey, we want to support you.

1:09:29We're here to help. Just how much that speaks. People you don't even know. And so we have opportunities to volunteer. Certainly always opportunities for people to support financially. um and so yeah well i'm sure our website will be in the show notes or something but um if people are not you know in los angeles find a place locally to show up and and serve and you know be of support to others so yeah yeah i cannot thank you both enough for sharing your story today for informing us on what harvest home can do and again like if you're not in los angeles there's so many other places like this that are changing women's lives.

1:10:07And I am so inspired. And I know that your story is going to reach so many people and touch so many people in a way that, you know, we don't know who's going to listen to this and it could inspire them to literally that day call for help. And you did that today. And so thank you so much, Angie, for being vulnerable. I know this can be intimidating with cameras and all the things. You were a pro. Thank you so much. And I think this was a perfect way to celebrate International Women's Day. So thanks, ladies. Thank you for having us. Thank you so much. Okay, Daddy Gang, I hope this episode was as meaningful for you as it was for me.

1:10:45As women, our community with each other is vital to our success in this world. That is a fact. And when we choose to meet each other with kindness and sensitivity instead of judgment, the impact can be genuinely life-changing, as we just heard today. To anyone watching today who saw parts of themselves in Angie's story, I want you to know that you are not alone, whether you are struggling with an abusive relationship or unstable living situation, or maybe you're just in a really challenging time of your life. You deserve support. You deserve compassion. There are so many resources out there that literally exist because you should not have to navigate this without community.

1:11:27In the show notes, I have included contact information for the National Women's Shelter Network, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, and the Crisis Texting Line. If any of those could be helpful to you, I highly encourage you to reach out. And for those watching and listening who are in a position to give back, there are a ton of ways to get involved with both Yes Harvest Home and the Unwell Foundation. I can put more information in the show notes. whether it's financial support or volunteering, truly anything helps to make an impact. So I love you guys so much.

1:12:09And I am so grateful that we got to share this together today. Go call your girlfriends, check in on your loved ones. And remember that the community of women around you truly is everything. Daddy gang, I will see you guys on Wednesday. Love you. Bye.

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