Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy. okay jackie schimmel welcome to call her daddy oh are we on we're on oh fuck yeah i figured we have henry um leo can you maybe come in richard richard oh my god richard come here treats wait look at his body i it baffles me he's so low to the ground it's crazy look at his body type like how do you explain his body type can we get you in camera come here leo get your ass over here come here baby bitch i would say that he is reverse pear-shaped on his father is pear-shaped and he's reverse pear-shaped are you talking about his father is in your husband yes andrew's pear-shaped he's 100 percent pear-shaped he should know i dated a guy that was pear-shaped once it's not bad i don't love the chafing element and speaking of chafing i'm wearing burlap pants it's a hundred degrees I feel like I have a white woman's like cocktail reception in my vagina they look right they look great itchy in the wrong places so you're a fellow podcaster yeah and I was thinking about this someone I asked people to write in like what do you guys want us to talk about oh god and people were like how are you guys friends and I'm like how do we that's rude yeah no no how are you guys like how did you guys become friends they're like no they're not like how the fuck are the two of you i'm like it kind of makes a lot of sense you guys don't get it like we're kind of similar at all no and i was like how how did we become friends okay i totally know how this happened tell us also i love that i'm drinking iced coffee i never do this before but i figured i'm so comfortable with you that if i need to shit my pants during the interview i can a full gallon of matcha and i probably will shit but you won't know because i'm wearing burlap pants what are burlap pants you know like when you go to like a sad live laugh love wedding and they have like those burlap tablecloths at the cocktail hour yeah yeah you're wearing them oh though oh yeah like i get that that looks like beach house vibes actually they're gucci fuck off i actually love when you're wearing designer but they're you have to clarify their designer because they don't they don't appear designer no they really don't they do they do they're like itchy and like like they you need to pull this down i need to see your face you look great today yeah yeah i do don't you podcast for a living yeah but i don't do video oh that is by clear and concise design honey i will say that's one of my least favorite things about doing video is i've had to start putting like makeup on like a little tinted moist yeah yeah yeah even for a solo those are i'm definitely i look worse what's going on with the flowers in here it's so bad like what's happening what is this let me just be so clear why are they so erect no okay speaking of midwest cocktail hour let me be so clear marrying your cousin what is going on okay you know this is a good conversation to start off with yeah my set i started with like a vision what was that vision can we just get some like hot pink orchids okay aren't you rich here's the issue we start i started with the vision of like big cozy comfy chairs what is that turquoise vase this is collar daddy turst type balls it's like an urn it's like a sad low bud shiva in here what is going on okay let me explain to you oh sorry i'm so happy someone called out because every time someone comes in here they're like it's so cute in here i'm like it looks like a grandmother's room no i like this you like this i don't understand what's happening with your floral concept oh richard it's okay it's anxiety it's okay

4:01wait richard is having a panic attack and henry's like get the fuck away from me are you are you about to is he okay we just need a break

4:14do you want to hold him it's okay richard don't fucking embarrass i love how henry has like zero give a fuck okay we're swerving i'll have to put my feet on here please it's fine thank god we're gonna get rid of these chairs anyways okay so when i designed this room i really had a vision where i had a vision where the chairs i think we need to take your dog to the vet no he does this all the time it literally is like he gets overwhelmed we went to the bahamas a couple years ago and he was in such emotional distress that we left him that he had like a whole anxiety condition we almost put him on prozac

5:05how the fuck are we friends how do we become friends okay you know what's so funny I don't even know if you remember this we met during the pandemic in person and we had dm'd a couple times now I I didn't know who you were but I knew that you and your ex-partner had this show I had heard of Call Her Daddy and then you had dm'd me a couple times I think or maybe maybe your ex-partner had dm'd me a couple times and I ignored them because I'm a lovely person and then somehow during the pandemic I think we started talking on Instagram yes and following each other and then like so annoying met up became like internet friend and then did a podcast swap I will never forget how bad that podcast was because you didn't know what a swap was I had no idea I'll never do again it was so at who's calling me this is so unprofessional I mean you would never do this with Hailey Bieber I would have my phone in the different room meanwhile I'm like hold on let me check fresh florals the urns would be put away this is some bullshit you know what no you're right that's how we became friends first we started as podcast friends yeah and then after we podcasted I remember we were like oh we like each other and then we had the connection where you know my boyfriend through childhood yeah and it's like a whole thing right so it ended up working out and then like family friends and stuff 100 but you know as a podcaster you meet a lot of fucking people I don't fuck with that many people I really don't and you keep coming back around to me I yeah I like you I don't know what's wrong with me I appreciate you coming on because I'm desperate for a guest right now.

6:43We're on the holidays. We can't get anyone. Don't you even look me in the eye and say desperate for a guest or I will shank you in the backyard. Desperate for a guest, Alex Cooper? Jackie, you are like, I don't have guests. No, you know what? That's, I wanted to say to anyone that is new, you have balls. Oh no, you've got a big vagina. Massive. Massive. And don't you always talk about how you have to put like multiple yeah but you know what here's the thing and if there's one thing that I want to say on Caller Daddy today is that my vagina is not wide it is shallow so for a long I have a very shallow vagina and I'm a woman of extreme efficiency so like I don't understand light girlies like you go to fucking CVS and you're getting tampon lights we already have to deal with the pink tax now I'm having my Gloria Steinem moment get ready for it oh we love it we already have to pay the pink tax all boxes of tampons are the same price okay so why would you go light when you can go ultra just from a fiscal standpoint do you buy the ultras fuck yeah i will i have fit two ultras inside of me side by side like fighter pilot jets like fucking top gun One time I bought, I thought I was buying super and I realized I bought super plus and I was like, oh, this is like in the big leagues.

8:12I didn't even know there was ultra. I can raw dog ultras. And you think about it. Okay. You're either like changing lights every 20 minutes or you ultra that shit. You're ready to rumble. You could fly to fucking Abu Dhabi. Have you ever bled through an ultra? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. That's good. Came out of me. slid down the mountain. Isn't that the worst when you have a tampon and you can feel it's it's coming out? There is. Let me tell you something. I was coming back from Paris. Okay. A few months ago and I had an ultra in because I'm you know a feminist and I was going through customs and I thought I was good to go because I did like a mid-flight switcheroo and thank god I was wearing a jogger pant with an elastic ankle because something happened during customs where I was like she is she has left my body and it fell out and it was just pooling at my ankle sorry I know her throat's closing up this is really disgusting are you saying that your ultra tampon popped out of your vagina and slow and steady like a ski toboggan and I was like I was trying to like like tilt my pelvic floor and like kegel it back in but it had it the ultra had left and so it's sitting at the bottom of essentially the elastic pocket of your jogger and what did you do because customs there ain't no moving you're like I said thank god I had an elastic ankle and I just moved low and slow like I was just like were you with your husband no I was alone which is kind of unfortunate because I would have loved to like have that experience I actually agree with you when something like funny or embarrassing or just like out of body is happening when you're alone it can be even worse slash funnier because you're like you're going through the internal self-dialogue of like what do I do what do I do it would have been 10 times better pops out where are we going what am I gonna do where are we going from here do I just like turn a blind eye and like keep on moving with my fucking passport or do I pick it Like, I don't know.

10:20And I almost wanted to like tell people in the line because I thought it was so hilarious. I have never. I will say to anyone listening, if you're having like a bad day, just think that you've never had an ultra slip out of your. Like a twin mattress. Come out of your vagina and slip down your leg. When did you take it out? Oh, I went. I like, well, I didn't run because I couldn't run. but I did a very slow stroll to the bathroom and yeah I want you to like take me through iterations of yourself through life so like start at like young Jackie no no like a Barbara no no but like do you know what I'm saying like bring me back to young Jackie and walk us through so people can really get to know like who you are and the evolution of you I am embarrassed to say that my evolution has been pretty non-evolutionized like I have been like kind of the same my whole life it was just about what I was able to get away with you know because like when you do have adhesive headgear and gingivitis and you're like like things aren't landing the same way when you're in seventh grade is when you're 32 you know what I mean like yeah it's it's taken years for me to like fully be like all caps myself in public but as a kid I was super obnoxious I was annoying as fuck I hated socializing but like I did the thing because I didn't want to be a loser um but I was always like I loved like doing like characters and I was always like doing bits and I was like just annoying as fuck like my parents were like literally go play on the freeway like that was like a like I wasn't allowed to be in the house which is interesting because now I have this like weird thing where I can't be home from 10 to 4 like I have to be out of the house because I have like this weird like Nell energy about it and I just don't like festering at home it makes me feel like a loser where do you go anywhere and I'll sit in parking lots I don't care I do not like being home wait what it's the weirdest thing wait okay so can you so as a kid my parents were like get the fuck out of the house and you just go oh I would I mean self-amusement is truly like the rhythm of my dance floor like I love being alone I love being untethered I like doing weird shit I don't care I never have cared if other people get it or think it's funny it like you just said it makes it funnier when nobody else understands what's going on so true someone dm'd me I posted something the other day where I was like it's not that revolutionary like I'm just alone a lot someone messaged me like I love how like you and Jackie always make me feel better because you guys are just always alone yeah and like doing shit alone you guys feel so comfortable alone and I'm like why would I want to be with anyone else you have a husband I have a partner I'm like why would I ever want to be with anyone else I feel like the most myself when and like comfortable and yes I do have like slight OCD tendencies as diagnosed by a licensed professional but I feel like so alive and present when I'm by myself I don't feel like I gotta start tap dancing you know yes and I'm happier me too okay bye bye bye guys gotta go no I appreciate that can you explain what gingivitis is and also sure did you have to publicly wear an adhesive headgear no only no no I didn't but like sleepovers weren't a thing I did have like those rubber bands that like really and unfortunately I've always loved a mixed metal so I would go like gold silver like brackets like on my braces okay so you had gingivitis is a condition a dental medical condition in which you have hypersensitive inflamed gums so I had an allergy to the cement on the braces you know so my gums like I had no teeth it was just gum and metal and then I would have to get my braces off every month which is why I had them for almost five years because I needed to let the gums breathe yeah and they would just bleed constantly i just always i mean bleeding out of my vagina bleeding out of my gums it's a it's a why do i feel like that made you this is so insulting why do i feel like that made you a mouth breather am i a mouth free i probably am i feel like back in the day in the day you would be a mouth breather because like oh yeah there was so many fluids and i always had a roll-on lip gloss to boot so it was so shiny and so like I was it was a lot okay so you were a mouth breather yeah you had gingivitis you had a headgear but I was like in on it and I was also hugged a lot as a kid so I was like I would come home like if I ever had like any type of insecurity or like I said that you know like in middle school I wasn't super cute but I had I really like leaned in you got it you got the joke I was like whatever I'm like who wants to be hot in middle school how embarrassing that's something where I remember where people were trying to expose me for my younger photos and at first like because I had like not gone through therapy about it I was like I was so ugly like I was so awkward and I was like I felt like I was doing whack-a-mole to like try to get people to not know what I looked like and then I was like how incredible to know that I didn't fucking peak in middle school you dumb bitches like how great how great okay it's so not that big of a deal and it's like why when you see people's middle school photos Most of the people This is so fucked up Sorry but most of the people Don't apologize to me Cooper Most of the people Yeah That were like the hot chicks in middle school Are now addicted to like Meth Yes Okay It didn't go well Exactly And I think listen If you're listening and you were a beauty queen since day one Well fuck you Yeah I was gonna say We you know Yeah fuck you And also like I even now I don't really think I don't put like a lot of weight on how I look Like that's not where I get self-esteem at all.

16:25Talk about that. Um, I don't know. I mean, I think that like I've, I'm lucky that I had a good childhood and I've always felt pretty secure ish. And I just have never like thought that that was a sustainable way to get self-esteem. Like, yeah, I just don't think that's like the thing that people should aspire to get attention for. I agree. I mean, granted I'm gorgeous. you're like don't get it wrong like i just want you to know if you're not watching the video i also happen to be super cute if you're listening to this quickly just tune in you will swerve off the road if you see this beauty sitting across you will get a boner that will go through your windshield however no i i have met like some of the most beautiful people in the world that i think are fucking busted because they're so boring and especially nowadays in 2022 i think we really need to prioritize like some fucking personality and opinions because i'm bored with everybody on the fucking internet it's called shelf life have fun when i was doing research for this which was minimal i wrote down something that i thought was interesting and i was I, I thought I knew you.

17:40Okay. And apparently I don't know you at all. Okay. And I was like, I think Jackie Schimmel is subtly a version of Anna Delvey. Okay. And then it really clicked. I was like, this bitch bought her fucking art. They're in on this together. You faked a college diploma from UCLA to get a job. Yeah. Can you please confirm and clarify? And first of all, I just want to be clear. I wasn't like going on to Jackie's shit trying to find out if she's been arrested. It's like on your website. You're like, yeah, I faked my college diploma. Yeah. So first of all, did you ever attend UCLA? No. OK, but I lived in off campus housing like I somehow was able.

18:22It was a different time. I was able to get to the UCLA like roommate housing site. What? Yeah. And I lived with all UCLA students like in an off campus like housing. okay establish i need you i think that when i was reading about that i was like okay i have cheated on tests duh of course and i've gone to extreme lengths of like cheating and i got caught a couple times but i feel like it takes a certain level of like sick like no fear of consequences yes to fake and to give someone a resume that you're applying for a job be like i went to UCLA here. How did you come up with this? How did you make it happen?

19:04And are you good at Photoshop? Um, you know what? I Photoshop didn't exist back then, but I did have the paint app humblebrag. So you created a fake diploma from UCLA. I had gone to community college for literally one day. Couldn't have been like less interested. I was like, this is terrible. I graduated high school with a 1.8 GPA. Wow. It's like my favorite thing to drop in. Wait, really? Literally. Yeah. Just no interest in school? None. None. No drive? No. No concern that like you wouldn't get a job? No. I wasn't like thinking that far ahead. I kind of just figured like I'll just like get in there and like you know whatever.

19:44The confidence? Delusion. The fact that you were like one point whatever the fuck GPA. How do you even also even get that? It's actually quite an accomplishment. You basically have to fail everything. It's like straight D's. And didn't. It's like D's and C's. Yeah. through for four years so then you go to community colleges for one day for one day could not be bothered I was like this is not my fucking journey so I actually lied to my parents for like a year and said that I was going to college and I doctored that's how I got my paint app photoshop skills I was faking report cards and my parents were like very hands-off they trusted me way too much like they like weren't asking questions they weren't like how was like they just didn't ask what the fuck were you doing during this time you know there was this amazing cheese shop downtown I was cooking I was eating I was drinking boxed wine I was like going on walks I was I don't know what you didn't even have a job no and then eventually I while I was lying to my parents I got an internship so then I and then lied to them and said I was graduating college but I was only a sophomore and then they offered me a job and that just kind of started kick-started my fraudulent uh life and then you literally just started giving people saying you went to UCLA how I'm interested to know because I think when you start a lie it can tumble tumble tumble yeah how far did you were you buying like Bruins UCLA gear like whoa go Bruins like what like whoa um well I only was lying to like human resources or like people like super high up that I wasn't with every day so like every by the way I have no fucking chill I am like the most I have borderline Tourette's where I have to tell everyone everything all the time so I think that's it was a real learning curve but everyone that I was working with like kind of kind of new you know interesting and then HR didn't no and it didn't really it didn't really cause a problem them until I started working at like a really you know esteemed financial institution where they did this little thing called hot tip employment verification oh so part of that is they call all the admissions offices and then they like confirm your degree and what happened well the good news is that I was in charge of employment verification so I just kept taking mine and putting it at the bottom of the list.

22:10Stop. And then did you ever get caught? No. I'm gonna honestly say I respect it because I think it takes a level of, I don't know the word, like it's really a ballsy move that I don't think a lot of people could pull off. Like what would be the worst that could happen? Oh no, I'd get fired from my receptionist gig at the financial institution where it was miserable all day. Like, no, you're right. I guess it's actually really innovative and crafty um where do you get your confidence from um I I think that I'm myself all the time and I like myself and I understand that not everyone is gonna fuck with me and that's totally cool I appreciate that because I feel like it takes I feel like no one says like I like myself because now I'll be like you're a narcissist and you're an egomaniac it's like no I just like myself I've got to live with myself here totally gonna I don't think I'm like the prettiest person in the entire world I don't think I'm necessarily that smart I don't think I'm the funniest person I don't like I don't think any of those things about myself I'm just like happy I get to like do the thing as me I was what else am I gonna be miserable I'm gonna wake up and be like god damn it jack you need veneers like whatever who cares like that's such a waste of time let's talk about the real reason you're here today okay you are here i'm actually sweating too you're here to defend a woman's right to wear an ankle boot oh yes for anyone that has no idea what I'm fucking talking about Morgan Stewart came on the podcast bitch that fucking bitch came on my podcast and had the audacity to fuck up every single person that works at call her daddy ruined I've been on team zooms of people being like Alex what am I supposed to do do I have to throw up my ankle boots let me just clarify to anyone that has no idea what we're talking about Morgan Stewart came on call her daddy and basically took a hard stance yeah against ankle boots I have a lot of thoughts about this okay yeah i have known morgan and love her dearly for years and years a very good friend and i know that when morgan assassinated the ankle boot in early november of 2022 i i can close my eyes and envision what she was talking about I think she's thinking of like a round toe Louboutin chunky heel like club rat one oak shoe.

24:52Oh okay. I will say as a woman with very long femurs. I'm talking about myself. And gorgeous sculpted chins. Talking about myself. That I look very good in an ankle boot. Dare I say stunning leg porn only fans. so this is controversial because she said not even i rena how do you say her name irena shank shank shank could look good so you're essentially saying you are more gorgeous on the lower half than irena i do suffer with dermatitis on my legs so i'm working on it but i fuck with an ankle boot now morgan has since specified now i'm call her i want to call her i just sent morgan my um location come through bitch oh okay let's call her that is drama it's very drama i'm like where are you roll up she should be nervous what else is she doing she just got some kids whatever yeah big whoop wow oh hi morgan hey morgy hi i'm putting you on my not doing this right okay here i am i'm so stressed out i got it tell her she's being recorded i'm currently you're being recorded I'm being recorded okay I like it I like it and I'm sitting across from Jackie Schimmel oh we love her we've been talking shit on you for 20 minutes yep have you no you guys like you too much to do that okay we need you to settle ankle gate ankle boot gate I just want to let you know the amount of women that have now thrown out all of their ankle boots because of you it's been honestly an uproar that's happened and I want to give you the chance to clarify what did you mean what did you mean Morgan this is literally Oprah said she wasn't eating meat anymore this is what I've done to the ankle boot industry like I did not realize this is and your friend's closet my DMs are flooded it's very clear first of all to use our dear friend Jackie as an example from dinner a flat combat boot is not the ankle boot I was referring to I was referring to the black suede heeled ankle boot with the inner zipper where the zippers inside the boot and the only real issue I have is when that is being used as a heel and it is an exposed ankle boot like an ankle boot with a sheer tight and a mini skirt not doesn't work doesn't work okay okay I actually want to go ahead and say I agree with you I agree with that thank you okay okay because I think this is the thing how many people wear an ankle boot and then there's like your pant goes over it and you're wearing a fucking boot with a jean great great you don't know fine no problem with that but when you're wearing yes yes but when you're wearing a dress or a skirt or even shorter jeans a little 2012 yeah it's like aldo steve madden we're giving work we're giving inland empire nordstrom and also just to be very clear so everybody at home understands if you're also wearing a skinny black pant or jean and it fits into the ankle boot you still don't tuck the pant into the boot okay okay unless it's a baggy ankle boot and it's like an isabel morant style that works i was just gonna use that as a counter argument oh oh oh i literally morgan stewart i was just gonna say as someone with gorgeous shins you know how isabel morant does that little dip in the front that little dip dip me looking good in the dip dip yeah so So Jackie's been bragging about her shins.

28:31Oh, we just hung up. Okay. Apparently. I don't know if I hung up on her or her phone died. Goodbye, Morgan. You've already had your time on Caller Daddy. This is Jackie. This is about you, Morgan. This is about me. Okay. So I actually think that clarifies a lot and I do feel better about it. I'm literally not just now not going to answer if she calls. Yeah. I think I feel better. I do you still stand by though? Like, are you going to go to an event with a dress and an ankle boot? I would never wear a healed ankle boot. Okay. Me neither. I would wear like a western style ankle boot with like a little bit of a heel.

29:02Yeah. But not like a stiletto ankle boot. I agree. Of course not. Now I could never. I mean, even if I was, I would lie about it. Because I don't want Morgan to harass and bully me. It's really interesting to see how powerful that conversation was. And I'm like, Jackie, are you going to say anything today that is going to traumatize my audience? Probably. Let me get myself some water. I know. I've been screaming about ankle boots. Hold on. Oh, I'll put this in the cute cup. Oh, wow. Paper straws. i'll give you a fucking hot take

29:34say it fuck the turtles i like plastic straws you know what although i i i actually agree with you in terms of by the way i love that that's like the most controversial thing you could ever say i was at like a fucking dinner and i said something like it was like an influencer dinner we don't we'll never talk about it again I'm so embarrassed I only went to one and then I got like basically kicked out and I said something about like bring back the plastic straws and it was like I had just said like I had done like a hail Hitler or something like it was like it was like the whole like there was like a rogue wave of shame and disappointment these girls were like that's just like not cool and I'm like I can't make a joke about plastic straws i cut them up when i'm done to save little baby franklin you know franklin of course i know i think you're right there's bigger issues of how to solve the issues with the environment like stop going on your private planes oh yeah how about that let's like tackle bigger issues yeah yeah you think you're superior because you suck out of a paper limp dick straw that's compostable yeah me too i love it love it shout out single use plastics guys okay so let's talk about our dinner the other night we'll start with this we went to tower bar which is like a great place to go right great vibe dark we had a great conversation about mean girls and like adult mean yeah and we're talking about we're not talking about the movie mean girls i'm talking about like real life women that are bitches yes I want to know how do you define a mean girl I think a mean girl is probably someone that's dealing with insecurities and therefore is deeply threatened and put off by people who feel um who feel like they it highlights what they dislike about themselves i think a mean girl is someone who um projects a very different version of themselves to the public and then you know behind closed doors is just like spewing mad shit that says nothing about the other person it's all about them or someone who someone who can't be friends with someone who's doing better than them is a fucking mean girl i completely agree with i I think every single or dude dudes are the same way.

32:02It's it takes like if you can't be happy for someone that's doing better than you or or has something that you want. And there's not a there should never be a sting. Yeah, I don't feel like there should be a lingering sting. I agree with you. And I something I was thinking about was like, I agree with you on the mean girl thing. I think there's like such a deep rooted insecurity and there it almost feels like there's this underlying like anger in them. everybody deals with like feeling like they're not enough or they're not funny, smart, successful, whatever it is. Everybody has those feelings.

32:36You need to buck up, grab your vagina and differentiate that how you're feeling has no merit to what other people are doing. You need to be like this. Yeah. You need to like, what are you doing? Like, I just find that to be, it's so embarrassing. Listen, I think there is a different level of like everyone talks shit. it's a bonding technique a it's therapeutic yeah and it's really not that big of a fucking deal you can tell when someone's talking shit and it's like a genuine like oh you're like really upset about this you're like bothered yes like it's a joke yeah like we're chilling like you're too close to it if you're so bothered how would you handle a mean girl who you can tell is like genuinely trying to like make you feel like shit um I think like in any situation you have to get ahead of it and like directness is always the best way it throws people off especially you get one of those kinds of girls that's like really trying to like whip and nay nay and like fuck you up you're like you want to dance let's start fencing like the parent trap like you want to play let's fucking play I'll stab you right in the eyeball like we're not doing this dance so I like to nip shit in the bud and let them know what time it is like i'm i see we're watching a different movie you're watching mean girls and i'm watching poltergeist you know what i mean like i do not fuck like that so what the fuck would you say to someone i'd be like what is your intent here are you trying to like you just have to like get a high beam flashlight and just roll and be like like what is your agenda here just cutting right because i think people could also argue like just killing people with kindness if that's your journey that's personally not mine also I will say I think sometimes with my energy I'm like I just like don't have the energy for you like be a bitch and I'm literally like this is so embarrassing for you then you can just sit like a little shiva and you just clip it right like we're not you we're not friends I've had people write in I'm like if someone's being a bitch to me you can really just say hey Caroline like Caroline I don't know anyone Caroline what's the agenda of this conversation yeah what's your or what my dad always told me to say is what's your point yeah what's your point because then they're like well my point no no what's your actual point where are we going here and there's something that's so off-putting about being like very brazen in a conversation when you can feel that someone's trying to like mince you and put you into a corner to say something so you look stupid or embarrass you just you just lean the fuck in go harder and humor diffuses everything and is like the ultimate like it's just it's the card it's the card that always fucking wins you're right you're right so you can diffuse anything and say exactly what you need to and make it like light and fluffy and not drama because I don't play that game either there's nothing more cringe and embarrassing you don't be the girl crying at a dinner because like Katie from Milwaukee hurts your feelings because she doesn't like your ankle boots making it about me no literally I get what you're saying just like take control of the narrative yeah make it funny and be unbothered how do we make it funny how do you make it funny I think you get ahead of it I think like self-deprecation always really works yep but like if someone said say some say a girl's in a room with everyone and like a guy didn't end up texting the girl back and her friend's a fucking mean girl asshole and she's like yeah well Johnny didn't text Sarah back oh yeah be like yeah it's probably because I have herpes like oh it's probably because I have like small tits and no ass and you like it's something like making fun of yourself that you're probably because I have herpes but like I'll just like kill him tonight and you Kirsten you just like get ahead of it be like yeah oh my god what will I do I'm probably just gonna like die alone because I'm just like so unfuckable and you say that maybe not that exact thing but you say like yeah I'm gonna die alone right um Kirsten what's your point yeah kirsten do you feel good yay kirsten yeah kirsten you're like kirsten you good now richard and henry you look cooler to everyone in the room we good now kirsten okay let's all go back to having a good time okay yeah

37:02What do you think is a character flaw of yours? Oh, without a doubt, no hesitation. I can lack empathy. I can be very, very unempathetic towards myself and towards everybody else. I don't have like an amazingly large sensitivity chip. So sometimes now I've learned to just fake it a little bit. It's good. Self-awareness. Because it's the best I can do. but I don't really have like the threshold to sit at a lunch and like hear my girlfriend complain about her boyfriend over and over and then they break up and then they get back and then she hates him and then it's up and then I have little to zero empathy for like and even things that are worse than that like I'm a little desensitized you're gonna be more like the friend that's like okay so we've had this conversation 10 times we can't talk about this anymore like you got to break up with him or shut the fuck up do you think that comes more with like experience and age I think it comes from a lot of things I think I'm like predisposition to just be like that I've kind of always been like that which is terrible and then I've like been through shit I lost my mom pretty suddenly I like I've been through like a lot of like seemingly traumatic events and I don't use those like as a crutch yeah I don't know I just I and you're not supposed to do this you're never supposed to like compare like traumas or tragedies but like I would I just I think that a lot of complaining is so um counterproductive I actually uh can totally see where you're coming from my my best friend had lost her father yeah and I remember having a conversation with her where she was like everything now just sounds so dumb like dumb like shut the fuck up oh my god and then like I mean you'll get friends that that call you that need to talk about like something that is so trivial and if you're someone who doesn't like I and I'm working on it but I would I'm not someone who like leans on people I try I've been better about it but like I don't like attention for sad stuff uh-huh I get that I have a hard time understanding and comprehending and like being a pillar of support for people who are so comfortable getting attention for sad stuff you know I think it's also there's a lot of people that find like almost get fueled and find like connection through yeah connecting being like just complaining about everything to people their person and trauma bonding yeah yeah yeah and I actually I am similar to you in that aspect of like I remember I would be interested to know if this affected you with your husband but like yeah I remember in the beginning of dating my boyfriend would always be like okay I am your partner I can tell you're upset about something like do you want to share it totally I'm like grossed out by like talking about my issues same because I feel like I'm too aware that they're like it's trivial to me it's big right now but this is trivial like I don't need we don't need to talk about it I'm upset about this like yeah let's move on where then my partner's like yeah but like this is like if you're upset about this like let's talk about it totally does Andrew ask you to be like babe can you give me like a little something here yeah I think that he yeah my husband definitely like feels close and wants to share and wants and I'm I just I've worked on it a lot I still have a lot of room to grow because it's just not my thing like it is not my default setting it is so uncomfortable for me I get like just I'm just like icked by it I'm a self processor and I just it's where I do the clearest thinking and healing and I get defensive sometimes even with friends because I feel like they it validates them for me to dump or to you know emotionally it validates the relationship or that I'm turning to them or I'm leaning on them and maybe that's me being like fucked up and guarded which it could be but I don't need to do that so I don't want to do that I I just think listen if you feel like you're you process shit alone I think especially for women you almost feel like what's why do I not want to like or you're being guarded or you're like no secretive it's so not everyone's fucking different like if you don't feel like sharing you don't have to I agree I agree um okay you brought up your mom yeah I have a lot of people write in that are like how do I handle grief and I understand everyone deals with it differently totally but yeah how would you give advice to someone that is like recently going through grief yeah like how to even understand it handle it move forward I mean it really is like case by case and I think that people who are like going through like a very difficult time should know that literally everything is temporary like everything in the world is temporary um and for me I was I like went through like a really weird time where I was just like my whole world was shook like everything I thought I knew was different like everything like every security anchor was gone and I was like free balling and I was like what the fuck so in those situations whether you're grieving or not grieving like and your life is uprooted and you're in transitional periods it's like you either sink or you swim but for me stagnant is not an option so obviously like I go through so many things it's like a random Tuesday where you're just like crying in a car and you're like what the fuck I've always used humor to deal with everything it makes everything easier and for people who don't understand I totally get it I've got friends that are like you're so fucking weird this is so dark what is wrong with you I understand that too for me I've always used it it makes everything easier to digest it's not like it's not deflective coping it's kind of like it it is what it is right you know what I mean um and I would say like you kind of have to make like an internal decision are you gonna sink are you gonna swim for me my whole agenda when my mom died my throat's closing up you're like can I drink my juice I'm sweating do you have any vodka um when I like really got in the mindset where I was like I don't want attention for for I don't want to walk into a room and get like the loose clutch on my shoulder of people being like how are you doing how's your dad and are you okay and your mom loved you I'm like no shit bitch I know my mom loved me she hated you like you know what I mean like you start getting in that mode where it's like now people your whole identity is like you're walking around with a black veil some people love that we call them grief groupies this is the problem there are human beings who are finally getting attention and they fucking love it So you go through something terrible and then everyone feels bad for you and then everyone shows up with the casseroles and you feel like you got a little gold validation sticker on your fucking forehead.

44:46That's where you get into a weird rhythm of being the victim. That's not the vibe because that has an expiration date and then everybody goes back to work in three months and everyone fucking forgot because it's no longer relevant to you. Still very relevant to all the other people. Doesn't matter. so I think like you have to I just always said that I was gonna like commemorate my mother's life with living the fuck out of mine it doesn't mean that you don't have terrible days doesn't mean you don't feel sad or you miss them that's always going to exist but what like why would you not want to want to experience your like why wouldn't you want to just have a good day when you can have a fucking good day and a lot of that is about like emotional boundaries and people who don't who don't serve you like it's it becomes like this whole aftershock wave you have to kind of just like dial it in and do the best you fucking can yeah it's it's really I don't even I feel like I haven't said anything no no but I I think you said so much and it's helpful to hear because it's just a decision I think that's really I don't want to use the word powerful but like you the way you articulate it you said you did say so much because I think that there's a mentality yeah of like I mean I've talked to my friend Lauren about this like her trying to decide like where where am I gonna go with my life because I have my life and my dad has his life and like there's just a lot of shit you have to deal with internally of like separating your own self from then what happened if that makes any fucking sense thousand percent but also still knowing like that's your parent and you like it's it's it's there's so many layers to grief and like every instance is different all i can say is that you just have to like make a conscious decision that you're not gonna walk around with a vigil candle and a fucking deli platter and shiva flowers like alex scooper it's all coming for full circle back to the end of this episode this is why i was triggered you're literally like do you know how many funerals i've been to with the sad fucking deli platters i can't even go to a valley deli anymore because i've been to so many fucking funerals and the jews love deli platters and then you're like can you imagine you just put a family member in the ground and then you're making like a pastrami sandwich and then you look around and you see these urns and the fucking shitty ass ralph's flowers it's terrible jaggy is fully triggered She's like, why did you bring me here?

47:17I thought this was to be fun. No, I really do appreciate my last question about this, which I think is very important, is there are people that on this unselfaware spectrum have no idea how to handle if a friend is going through something and has lost someone in their life, okay? Okay. And can you just quickly explain things that have been, been you don't have to give examples but you could have things that are said that you're like don't say this you fucking idiot please don't say everything happens for a reason or you will get slapped everything happens for a reason thank you thank you katie have fun with your mom like shut the fuck up don't do not anything that is on some spiritual religious bumper sticker don't you fucking dare drop that shit don't do it when you see a butterfly don't say that I could tell that was your mom I fucking hate butterflies you get a fucking fly swatter I swear to god I saw a rainbow yesterday and I knew it was your mom I was like do you want to get hit do you want to get hit do you want to get hit it's this is this is what it's a sign did you oh she did this for you i was so when i bought my house okay i this is like a whole other conversation okay i found my house it was unlisted it was off market my realtor calls me he's like hey there's this house it's coming for sale i only wanted to buy it in this one neighborhood whatever so i go to the house i break in it was vacant the guy was dead whatever broken through the back the guy's dead inside no thank god went to hospice in texas dead out fine vacant so i like you know jimmied my way in and i was like oh my god i love this house so i'm talking to my grandparents and they said oh how's how's your guys's house hunt coming and i'm like oh it's it's good i think i found a house today we're gonna put an offer and they're like which house is it we used to live in that neighborhood and i give them the address and it was my mother's childhood home so I now live in my mother's childhood home okay um I did not know I had never been there because when my grandparents like lived in a different state we never went there it was it right I wasn't alive right so that automatically made me hate the house because I was like oh my god that's so weird now it's gonna be like this whole like butterflies and rainbows and like basher bullshit I'm like I'm not dealing with it oh my god so I then got into like a severe bidding war where I had to basically bankrupt the entirety of our bank accounts to get this fucking house because I loved it so much it was locked up in probate blah blah blah took me like a year to get this fucking house very ruthless bidding war so I overpaid by like a like an obscene amount of money that I can't even really say out loud because it will be alienating and disgusting whatever so I get into this house I have my family over for like the first holiday and every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip in the upper lip quiver and says, your mom got you this house.

50:34Your mom brought this house to you. And I'm looking at them and I'm thinking to myself, I've had to spread my legs metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me. I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry. And you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house? If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.

51:20Okay. How dare you and I it took everything in me I was clutching my martini glass like with a white knuckling it and I just wanted to bash it over everyone's head and I even said to my dad I'm like if one more motherfucker says to me that my dead mom got me this house I'm gonna lose somebody's gonna die in this house and then the property value will really plummet and we'll have to borrow your flowers for the shiva it's it's so short fuck you you are leaving today with them i'm gonna i'm not taking them i hate them these are real these are real okay we couldn't go low and tight had to go couldn't go low and full he's crying come here sorry okay he's crying he's upset sorry henry because okay this is my this is my thought shut the fuck up if please just shut the fuck up this sucks so bad I'm so fucking sorry this is terrible like what do you what can I do okay that's what I was gonna say everyone deals with grief differently so follow your friend's lead if it's also not your fucking friend and its acquaintance shut the fuck up please don't I had it was so funny like I had a friend that would like weaponize like my grief like it wasn't like I wasn't like like I wasn't like coming to her to cry like I was going to other people and then she like said do you not like feel comfortable with me or do you not like feel close to me and I'm like you're literally the worst like you're making this about you how are we you suck so bad and honestly like I should send her an edible arrangement because I need to thank her because she made the whole experience like so diffusive because I was like oh wow like you just took me out of my grief because now I just want to fucking headbutt you because you're so stupid wait like what what do you mean how is this how did we make this about you what movie are you what what it was like i had a stroke i was like poor qua do i need to like do i need to apologize to you because i'm not like sad enough for you yeah i think that's the wrap of up of that is like if it's if it's not your shit shut just just literally you don't need to like not talk about like it's not like that it's just like read just let the person read the room do their thing yes thank you and that's totally okay that is such an extreme place of privilege to not understand and I honestly think that's amazing and you should just like run with that it's fabulous you lucky son of a bitch but um yeah it's like an it's an extreme it's an extreme tier of privilege to like not understand that that level and that's cool too totally but if acknowledge you don't know it and so don't act like you have any fucking comprehension of what happened i love when like a friend who was like i know like i lost my um my pet kitty when i was three and i was like cool even like sorry to say this i need to move these yeah um please even even and i'm not trying to be an asshole but even grandparents grandparents it's the circle of life cue simba let me guess they were 80 90 like lie down it was go to sleep as kelly bunsmone once or bethany frankel once said go to sleep right like they they had a good run right and that's like natural like what were you expecting they were gonna have like a revive and just start like it's it's it that was how it was supposed to go oh my god my grandpa was like literally I was prepared for him to die for like 12 years my parents were like listen grandpa's like not super healthy like totally overweight like had a terrible lifestyle they told me this when I was seven that fucker hung around till I was like 25 it became like a bit in my family I was like you're still here I've been prepared for years I grew out of my fucking funeral dress no you're so right it's like i have one black outfit i don't even fit in it anymore grandpa jesus christ you're melting the clock it's turn so i can put you in the urn urn and alex can put you in here we can play he need a much bigger it's on he was a very obese man we it would take up the whole room shout out jackie's grandpa love you love you is he still here no he's dead wow alex

55:38okay long gone okay we're off we're moving off the grief topic yes um i think my last thing is this this is actually just out of curiosity what happened to your zimmerman dress oh this is still on the topic of grief by the way i've experienced so much loss you're like fuck my grandpa let's talk about the zimmerman dress honestly you know hindsight's 2020 i'm like i'm too cool for a zimmerman midi dress like i've evolved jesus this is funny okay okay give it well i was attending a baby shower okay and i was trying to find something like i found this dress it was a zimmerman dress it had like a molded cup balconette with a cutout pockets she loves pockets i love pockets love okay and it was in my size i didn't have to wear a bra I looked cute like I had just had a parasite so I was very gaunt you were like winning like literally my clavicle was protruding and I had like an upper rib cage thing because I was shitting out my colon for weeks no this is like people are gonna be pissed when we were at tower bar and you were like I'm just feeling like a little like just like bloated whatever yeah and jackie turns the waiter she's like could i get um some like expired salmon i'm like do you have a raw salmon filet that's unrefrigerated the guy did not get that at all he was like pardon i was like oh never mind i'll just have the branzino okay so you're gaunt you're ready with your dress i was ready to rumble found this dress I had it hooked in the back of my car and I have a convertible and I was doing a bathroom renovation I'm very hands-on with my renovations I love the Home Depot it makes me feel alive insecure girls go to Home Depot wear something tight and sexy you will get accosted you know what's crazy it's already cut you off but I remember back back back in the day where I said some controversial shit I was self-aware enough to know that if I went to the University of Arizona I was gonna be like a five on the scale Boston University it's the same thing at a Home Depot give me a 12 if you go to a Valley Home Depot you've got better odds you go to like anything off the 405 it kind of depends it's all it's all about geography you could run into Giselle so you're gonna be the toad Canoga Park Home Depot you'll never feel anything like it so you're saying and you go there and you feel the hottest most beautiful version of yourself it is the Victoria's Secret fashion show reboot at the Home Depot before 10 a.m when all the contractors are there like there's no like women like but you know you're you're it that's it so I was there at about 7 35 in the morning Jesus I know rise and grind okay she's got literally grinding with contractors in aisle four and I was in a bike short looking so cute sawing my own fucking trim I needed like one piece of trim for a door I was trying to wrap it up you know and the trim was very long so I had I figured the only way I could fit it in my car was to put my top down and shimmy it in the front so it could hang up the back okay okay super safe in your convertible in my convertible this is like final destination shit okay so in in the transportation of my trim piece I had the dress hooked on the back okay okay and I'm driving on the freeway and I'm holding my holding the trim because I didn't really feel like having it god forbid I mean honestly in hindsight I wish that that trim would have fucking hightailed it out of the car and like punctured the car behind me and I could have kept the dress because I didn't have something to wear to the shower I couldn't find anything okay I'm holding the trim I'm driving like cursing the day that my husband was born because he's like off at a trip somewhere and I'm just schlepping lumber literally schlepping lumber and I look behind me and I all of a sudden like I'm driving and I just see like a pink like like a pink parachute rising into the sky off the 101 freeway at 734 in the morning and I'm like huh I look behind it was like slow-mo I see my fucking dress catch wind and fly the fuck out of my car okay so now I'm like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god like how do what do I what do I even do so I call highway patrol I get off the freeway I didn't even know who to call I literally was like I have a dress it was eight hundred and fifty dollars by the way okay okay tags attached oh god glad I did you know it it wasn't my journey aesthetically but it was an expensive dress I never got to fucking wear and it was sold out in the size I needed because everyone kept sending me the certain sizes i needed a two two for the tits two for the tits sold out so i pull over on the side of the road i'm now like pilfering through bushes look you get out of your car i kind of i did a little peruse okay i did a little peruse but then i thought you know what i called the highway patrol they're gonna return it like they're gonna get a dry clean for me i had a massage and what world are you living in i don't know i listen i live in suburbia i figured listen i call these guys i'm like i have a dress that flew out of my car yeah i feel like they get abusing no literally you're abusing someone was stabbed yeah usually it's like there's a riot on the side of the road someone was stabbed there's an animal that's dead there's a car kidnapping my zimmerman dress was 900 could you guys do a loop yeah could you guys at least one of those zigzags you know where you shut the freeway down during rush hour i'm like it has cutouts and pockets it's like so cute so good it's so hard for me to find a dress where I don't have to wear a bra.

1:01:40They're like, ma 'am. You're like, no, no, no. Size two. I'm just like, I don't know. Like, should I pull over on the rug? Like, I don't know. Like, I just feel like this is like a safety breach. I've already been like sexually harassed at Home Depot. I'm not trying to like get picked up. And what are they saying? I mean, they were laughing. Of course. As we all are now, Jackie. We were laughing. Like, we were having a good time. Like, here's where I live. Like, there's a dry cleaner's down. I was like making all the jokes. You know what I mean? So I thought, 100%. They're going to pick it up, drop it off.

1:02:07So then I had to deliver my trim pieces. I've got guys on the clock. I'm not fucking around. And this is all so relatable and likable. Daddy gang is going to love this. Then I had a massage. So my phone was in my locker, whatever. And I had posted all of these stories. In one of the stories that I had posted on Instagram, you can see the dress off the freeway. You can see its exact location, like under a fence, under a pickup truck that was parked on the side of the road. Like it's like behind you while you're filming. You can see the pink. Someone spotted it. I missed it. Yeah. So all of a sudden I've been getting like so many messages of people circling like, I see where your dress is.

1:02:45I see where your dress is. I knew exactly where it was. I get back in my car. I drive back. It's not there. The next day, the dress in my size, tags attached, sold out everywhere, is available for sale for pickup in the Los Angeles location of the RealReal. full price full price and i'm like no so some shady fuck honestly love them if you did this i will like please show yourself yeah we respect i respect you i like you i will go to tower bar with you and we'll get raw salmon right there some shady ass bitch rolled up because i was giving like like very specific geographics no i remember you posting i was like if you get off at canoga and make a ride it's gonna be somewhere near there and you're thinking these are people that love me and support me they will bring the dress to me they will get it dry cleaned and bring it to me i thought someone like i imagine like a bunch of girls 25 to 35 in bitch bible merch and like fucking highway patrol like neon vests with flashlights like searching for this dress that's in my head where i like just hawk and macho with their shih tzus like patrolling the valley for my dress a search and rescue mission you didn't think no i never thought naive that a little cunt yeah he's gonna say and you know who'd do something like that me let me tell you something when i was 18 years old if i found out some bitch i had you know a zimmerman dress go airborne off the side of the 101 freeway and it was tags attached for 8 50 and i was eating bagel bites for three weeks you think i wouldn't be tits deep on the side of the freeway searching for that fucking dress you are dead wrong so i can relate and i respect it i have no words i i guess we have to we end it by respectfully respecting the con that went out of her way this one's for her this one's for her whoever you are i actually would fucking love love if you reached out to us show yourself we would actually really respect i will if you're like well no no if this person exposes themselves with receipt we need a receipt from the real real i need like all like i need a full manila folder to showcase that it's you i will take you to zimmerman and i will buy you a full outfit it was me alex we're going to zimmerman jockey i know i'm sweating to bring the mood down no no i love how when i'm like grief And then you're like, no, I'm going to bring it down even more.

1:05:31Yeah. Grandpa. Light your vigil candles. I love you. Thank you so much for coming. I'm sweating. I'm going to pee my pants. This was a great episode. Henry. Wait, let's pull the dogs up for one quick little. Oh, yes. Come here. Come here. Oh, bitch.

1:05:58Okay. Can I spray? flowers now. Yes. What? I need to defend the flowers now. Oh, did you do this? I do them every week. They're one of my greatest prides. Okay. Take yours. A. B. Let me just tell you this week. Okay, I'm sorry. This week I went to both Bristol Farms and Ralph's. Went twice. Bought a pair. Still didn't think they looked good enough. Okay. No, no. Went back for more. Those pink ones I hate are the only once that I could find and it's been a journey. Jordan let me also defend you it's not the flowers, it's the base. The base is not your fault. No it's not the flowers. It's it's it's the turquoise.

1:06:39She paints this.

1:06:47Ally was like I really wanted to see your voice. She went to the color of your mind. It was like your Christmas gift. I was like, who the fuck is this? Alex was like, I really want a green face. I thought I wanted it to be like a color. And Jordan said she's great at beauty. That's amazing. That is the best news. I'm so sorry about it. We don't think it personally. We need to get it together.