Jay Shetty: The Rules for Falling in Love and Not Messing It Up (FBF)

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31:41Okay, so if you're ready to get more out of your money, sign up for SoFi checking and savings at SoFi.com slash callherdaddy. SoFi checking and savings is offered through SoFi Bank, NA member FDIC. Terms apply. When looking back at past relationships, what types of things should we look to examine to make future relationships easier?

32:04Jay Shetty:When you're starting, it's better to look at pace. i think one of the things in a relationship i would look back on your relationships and look at how fast did they get serious intimate or close and i would analyze the pace of the relationship and you find that relationships that have a steadier slower build help you make better decisions and so i'm not saying that if you have a slower rise you're more likely to stay together i'm just saying that if it doesn't move in too fast if you don't fall in love too fast you have the ability to make healthier better decisions sooner before you're too attached and you're too deep in so i would look at pace of relationship and go let me look back at my last few relationships and ask myself did i fall in love too fast maybe did i fall in love too slow was i too skeptical or was i too optimistic uh i would look at was i letting the person show me who they were or was i painting the picture of who i thought they were and i think that in and of itself is everything.

33:09Jay Shetty:Like we're constantly not actually letting people earn their stripes. And this applies to trust. Like I talk about trust a lot and you just brought it up and that's why it's on my mind. And I created these four levels of trust. We often think of trust as binary. Like we think of like, I trust you or I don't trust you. And that's how we think about people. You walk into a room and like, yeah, you're trustworthy. You're not trustworthy. I would go home with you. I wouldn't go home with you. You can drop me home. You can't drop me home. So we think of trust as black and white, but trust isn't. It's actually levels.

33:39Jay Shetty:And so the first level of trust is zero trust. When you meet someone, I don't care how good looking they are. I don't care how smart they are. I don't care where they went to college or how much money they had. Don't trust them. They've got to earn that trust from you. And I know that sounds really dark, but it's not. It's give them the opportunity to show you where they're trustworthy. So they may say, I'm going to pick you up at 7 p.m. They picked you up at 7 p.m. They may say, I'm going to text you on Sunday. They texted you on Sunday. These are like signs of transactional trust. That's the next level.

34:10Jay Shetty:There's a transactional trust. They say something and they live up to it. Then the third level of trust is reciprocal trust. Now you're getting deeper where it's like you do nice things for each other, but you're not checking in. You're not having to check every minute detail, but you know it's going to be reciprocated. And the highest level is unconditional trust, which is like God level trust, which to be honest, beyond your parents, probably most people are never going to have it. But we want that so bad that someone does one nice thing for us. like they're the best they're amazing like i'm done like you know i love them they they won like they're they're not like my ex at all and it's like guys they got one thing right like that's okay that's great and i'm not saying you're gonna test the person i'm just saying just don't trust them based on a couple of things and so i think pacing is what i would look at from a last relationship i would look at how much you let them show you who they were versus you made them who you wanted them to be it's so fucking good jay because i think you're so right everyone can fall on the spectrum of like either you're someone that trusts so fast and it's like wait did you even know them now all of a sudden you're getting engaged and it's like do you even know their childhood trauma or what they like you don't know anything about them and you've just trusted them to like hold your heart and go forward and it's like hold on and then when one weird things happens and you're going to your friends crying they're like well did you ask him yeah and she's like, no.

35:29And I think the other side can be people that have a really hard time trusting. And even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past that's withholding you from being able to move forward because it's like, I've seen relationships. I've done it in the past where they're like, I have literally done nothing. Why do you not trust me? And it's because I didn't heal my past relationship where someone broke that trust. And so it's like, everyone's going to have a different level, but I think the pace is such an interesting concept because I know from my personal, uh, current relationship, we were in the pandemic.

36:02It moved way too fast in the very beginning. And I made a very, very hard conscious decision that I worked on in therapy to slow it down. So I could, we, I was like, we need to go back and pretend we're not in the pandemic. We're spending so much time, which is great, but we're moving too fast. We can't move in together yet. We've only been dating for like six fucking months like hold on and so i think you can always alter the pace you're never too far gone there's always times to reel it in but you have to be with a partner that's willing to also adjust pace wise and not be like what the fuck are you talking about we like we live together we don't need to talk about that now well no i realize we've never had a conversation about xyz so pacing can also be on your terms and you can dictate it but you have to have a partner that's

36:47Jay Shetty:willing also to work with you i love the point you just made that it can change at any time this isn't like oh I messed up in the beginning it moved too fast I'd say the same with me and my wife actually I'd say in the beginning we moved way too fast we spent every day together because I didn't have a job we spent every day together for like six months and then all of a sudden I got a job and now I couldn't see her every day and it shifted and so the pace changed again yeah and so I I fully agree with you that the pace can change at any time and the reason why I talk about pace is just you make better decisions when you have more time and you have more clarity and you don't feel pressure uh all the research shows that when you are clear of mind you can deal with seven things at once but when you're stressed that number goes down to three and acute stress it gets lower and lower and lower and so when you start making really big decisions based on really small pieces of information you're going to make some unhealthy choices another recent study i read that blew my mind was that this really hit me especially with I'm someone who really likes to make new friends.

37:50Jay Shetty:And I like building new connections with people. I feel a similar value. And this science really blew my mind. It said it takes 40 hours of spending time with someone to consider them a casual friend. 40 hours. I was like, wow, I haven't spent 40 hours with a lot of people. Of course, I do think things like interviewing someone, being interviewed by some podcast. There are certain things like deep, intimate conversations, vulnerable conversations accelerate this this journey a hundred hours counts as a good friend and 200 hours counts as a great friend so the question when you're dating after you have to ask yourself is do i want to spend 200 hours with this person and have i spent 200 hours with this person it's a great metric to like just check because it gives you something tangible when your feelings are like running ahead at like 2000 hours like daddy gang don't you dare be telling some guy you love him and you haven't even spent like 80 hours together.

38:46Like let's like the fourth date. I get it. It can feel like it's very exciting, but you don't really know that person yet. So maybe like hold, hold your cards a little closer to the chest. The next rule that you talk about that I think is very, very important is define love before you think it, feel it or say it. So Jay, how do you define love?

39:11Jay Shetty:I define love romantically as when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals. And the reason why I define love that way is liking personality is obvious. And that goes back to, do I want to spend 200 hours with this person? Do I want to spend 2000 hours with this person and 20 ,000 hours with this person. Respecting someone's values. I use that word very carefully. Most people feel that relationships are where you have the same values and that you're on this magical search to find someone who believes in the same stuff you believe in.

39:52Jay Shetty:That is so hard and so impossible. And I don't even want to put fairy dust on it. I don't think that's going to happen because people are so different. We're wired so differently. Yes, we can have shared values, but we have Trump values and priority values. And so I'll give an example with me and my wife. My wife values family above everything. Her immediate family that she grew up with, that is like her number one priority. My number one value is my purpose. It's my work. It's what I do for others. It's my service. It's my passion. That's what I love above everything else. And when we met, we both talked about this and we realized that if she had a family event she would choose that over anything and if I had a purpose-based opportunity I would choose that over everything and I don't want to change that and she doesn't want to change that either but we respect it so when she says to me and the reason I respect it Alex it kind of comes back to your relationship my wife's amazing because of how her parents raised her and my wife's incredible because the relationship she has with her parents why would I want to take that away from her why would i say no you got to come and support me at my thing no you got to give up your family to come be with me at this thing because my thing's so important because i'm doing xyz like there's a certain respect that i have because i know that her love for her family is what makes her so lovable and she knows that my drive and my ambition and my persistence is what makes me attractive to her and so why would she want me to give that up i feel like of course there's going to be some values that you hold very similarly to the person because naturally if you are in simpatico with like how you want to live your life there's going to be things that are overlapping but i agree that there's going to be an emphasis for each individual on a different value and where it lies on the scale of importance to you and i think it's really interesting because if you are with the right person i think it's really good to have different values obviously that don't completely contradict each other that you're like you can't stand each other but having different values I think allows you to grow as a human being and in a dynamic of a relationship pushes each of you to learn to compromise and compassion and to learn to respect the other person because you respect your value so you're going to respect what they like and so I really think it's it's a really great way you just dissected that because I think sometimes people worry if we don't have exact same values how are we going to make it well do you like what they value do you agree with that exactly then you're you're good yeah it doesn't have to be your number one it's it's their number three it's your number one like it's okay what you're trying to do is get someone to value what you value and that's not possible they can respect what you value but they're not going to shift their value to value what you value.

42:46Yeah, I love what you're talking about because I want to get into the part of the book where you talk about the three date rule. And I think this is very applicable to transition in this way because we're talking about finding that person and the values and feeling like you can really connect with that person on multiple levels that allows you to be like, that's my person, that's my partner. For daddy gang listening, that's like, I'm in the dating phase like jay i'm single i'm trying i'm trying to get there but back up a little bit you have this three date rule and your theory is

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44:57Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. Must be 18 plus. us. You have this three date rule and your theory is that by three dates in, you should have had enough time to determine if you and the other person will be a good match.

45:16Jay Shetty:So these are not the first three dates. They're three dates that I recommend you sprinkle across 10 dates, 20 dates, 100 dates. I don't mind where you put them in. I'm not expecting you to make the first three dates and interview. And I don't want you to do that. And I actually think that dating that dates that start like an interview and like a firing, right? Like I really feel like that. Like that's how it feels because all you did was put your best foot forward. And then all of a sudden you feel fired or rejected because you're like, oh no, no, I was interviewing for this role. Like I came dressed and prepared and you know, so I don't expect you to make these your first three dates.

45:55Jay Shetty:I expect you to use them in your dating journey. You're saying there are three dates within the scope of you getting to know someone that you would like them to sprinkle in these questions. So your first date questions you think should be asked that are geared around finding out someone's tastes or preferences. What's something you love to do? Do you have a favorite place? Is there a book or movie you've read or seen more than once? What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment? What's something you wish you knew more about? What's the best meal you've ever had? What I'm saying in this is you're getting to know someone's personality.

46:32Jay Shetty:The question you're asking is like, do I find someone interesting? Do I find someone intriguing? Do I like them? Do I enjoy who I am around them? But on a very personality chemistry level, sometimes you don't even have to ask these questions. Sometimes you're actually going to just observe those. You're not like having these in your nose. Yeah. Can I ask you a few questions? Jay and Alex told me to ask you these questions. But this is something you can be looking for. And do I like the tone with which they carry themselves, right? And the tone is so important even compared to the words. To really listen out and go, oh, is this person arrogant?

47:09Jay Shetty:Is this person coming across like my ideas are not interesting? Do they ask the question back? And by the way, you know, I think that a lot of some of these questions like men may struggle to answer because they feel quite, you know, they feel quite personal and they can feel quite like intimidating sometimes because you can feel like, oh, God, like, why am I? And so these questions are going to be fun. They're meant to be they're not an interrogation. They're not an intervention and they're not an interview. It's being inquisitive. Right. And I like to make that difference between you're never asking a question from an interrogation standpoint or intervention standpoint because no one likes that.

47:48Jay Shetty:You're asking it from a point of genuine interest. And by the way, have your answers ready. Because if you have your answers ready, you can say, well, let me go first. Let me tell you mine. And now it's a conversation and now it's open and vulnerable. And it's not this forced thing of like, well, I want to know what you have to say and I'm judging you. It's like, no, no, I've thought about this for myself too. It's all coming from a place of which I think if someone's open you just want to get to know them Totally and I think that's very fair So second date questions at some point while you're dating this person you're gonna feel like you're ready to get underneath a little bit more If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on?

48:26I think that's so telling about someone. Yeah, are they just gonna which is totally fine if they're like, oh i'm retiring and i'm just like never doing anything again Totally fine. But like is that someone you'd want to be with?

48:35Jay Shetty:Exactly. They just told you they just told you they're not going to be driven they're not they're not going to be ambitious they're not going to push for it and there's nothing wrong with that right that's the point like i think sometimes we have a hierarchy of like oh this kind of person is better and it's not people should just be happy well no and i think even the way you said it i think because you and i have kind of agreed like for me i wouldn't be happy if i didn't have a purpose i think a lot of my purpose comes from my creativity i think you're similar so that question to me is like i would keep working if i won the lottery like i i don't i but there's also then i know a friend of mine that was like bitch i'm getting five dogs moving to a ranch and living my goddamn life and having 10 kids and i'd be like like and do you and i totally respect that but again then maybe the person sitting across from me would be better for me or my friend based off of that answer you would find out correct you got asked these questions correct And then the third date, this is where you get really a lot deeper, right?

49:34At some point, you're going to feel like they've opened up to me in some capacity. And what types of questions are you thinking should be asked on this third date where you're really trying to get under it?

49:43Jay Shetty:These are the ones where you're trying to do something called like self-disclosed vulnerability, where you're really trying to get to a point where you're building a sense of trust and you're building a sense of openness, where you're comfortable having uncomfortable conversations. And I think that that is an art and skill that you have to test in a relationship. If you think you're getting serious, if someone asks me, how do I know that a relationship is getting serious? It's when you can have uncomfortable conversations in a comfortable way. That to me is a sign that your relationship is actually serious.

50:18Jay Shetty:Not that you moved in, not that you get nice gifts, not that you can spend lots of time together or you go on vacations together. can we have a conversation that usually creates conflict and not get mad at each other and not make it about each other's weaknesses there's so many things that people like this tangible thing will allow me to be closer moving in with someone you can move in with someone and realize you barely know that person but can you have a conversation and you don't even live together can you really go deep with someone like where they're trusting you with information that they clearly keep close to their chest that they're like you know what i trust you again trust stress is going down, trust is going up.

50:55Jay Shetty:And I love what you just said about the trust element. Like the way we check whether we trust someone is like, we say we trust each other, right? Like we literally asked that question. That makes no sense. It's like, it's like, we trust each other, right? Like you, you trust me, right? I trust you. It's like, no, like trust is me being able to tell you stuff that may be uncomfortable for me. One of my favorite questions that, and you can read more from the book, but one of my favorite questions that's not in the book is a question that I often ask my wife and I ask it even till this day. And so every couple of months, I'll say to her, and it's not like it's in my calendar.

51:26Jay Shetty:It's not like it's in a spreadsheet. I don't record the answers. This is a, you know, it's not a technique. It's a genuine thing. I'll say to her, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go in? And if it's not, what are we willing to do about it? And if it is, what are we doing right that we should keep doing? It's just such a healthy question and it's asked not because I think things are going wrong right like I'm not asking that because I'm scared or I'm worried I'm asking it because it's the same as doing this podcast right it's the same as doing anything there's a famous quote that says you can't improve what you don't measure right you can't grow something that you don't measure like you whether it's a business whether it's a podcast whether it's whether it's life and I just think life is something that is lived so unintentionally and unconsciously that 10 years go by, someone comes, knocks on the doors and goes, I don't think it's working out anymore.

52:20Jay Shetty:And you're surprised because that person kept it inside them every three months how they were feeling. I was gonna say, I think that's such a testament to how much you trust your partner to be able to go to your wife and know that you're ready for any answer, but you also kind of know there may be something little she wants to adjust, but you know you're not going to be fully blindsided because you're constantly checking in because of consistency exactly and i also think it's like there's a lot of people and i would really encourage daddy gang i know it's so uncomfortable sometimes but like having those hard conversations allows longevity in a relationship and it to grow because if you're not having that conversation like you said you're having so many in your head i hate him for this i hate her for this i hate them for this and then you're like what are we doing here so that's really cool that you do that with your wife and if anything I'm going to steal that from you because it's just a really mature way of basically saying I'm giving you the opportunity to say anything to me and I'm willing to hear it because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now and like I I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on and I then you also know she's willing to hear it from you if you're like because I've been thinking about this I mean I know this is hard like I want to empathize with everyone like I'm not saying this is easy I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow what I am saying is I'm just trying to save people from wasting 10 years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't feel loved by like that's where this is coming from this isn't coming from a place of I'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship it's coming from a place of just I know how hurt people have been by relationships and I know how much pain it causes when you feel blindsided and when you feel like you've just been surprised and someone just like delivered you a big notice that you had no idea was coming your way I just don't want you to have to go through that like you know I just want to save you from the big I not that I can save you but I want this advice to save you from the bigger pain to save someone for the bigger pain I agree with you I think there's sometimes people especially maybe in those early dating stages where they get a little excited they get a little ahead of themselves.

54:34What's your advice for managing expectations in a new relationship?

54:40Jay Shetty:So I have an interesting take on this. I don't believe, so when people say like, how do you make expectations? How do you set expectations? I believe the word expectation is completely insignificant and useless. And I'll tell you why. An expectation is a hope, a wish, or a want that something might happen just hopefully randomly potentially i don't want to live my life in expectations i want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention like i want to live my life in saying i'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship and i'm going to see if the person's vulnerable back i'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open because that doesn't give me anything and And so I kind of remove expectations from pretty much every area of my life.

55:27Jay Shetty:And I go, how do I change that into intentions, action and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun filled relationship, I'm going to bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches. If they're on a lower frequency or a lower vibration, it will show you won't have to ask them because you can tell immediately. right like if you bring your best it's it's kind of like with an interview with a guest you know when a guest brings their best energy and now you were probably prepared anyway because you're a great interviewer but you can bring your best energy too now you're creating something amazing but if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy off it it kind of starts creating it could create something that you don't want to create and i think that happens in a relationship on a much bigger scale what is your advice for people that are in a relationship where both of the partners handle stress differently?

56:21Jay Shetty:That's such a great question. So, I mean, one of the things I've realized about stress recently is that oftentimes when we break a habit, for example, you want to be strict about what you eat, but chances are you break that habit when you're stressed. You wanna be a nice, kind person, but chances are you compromise with that because you're stressed. I'm snappier with my wife when I'm stressed. I say things I don't want to say to my wife when I'm stressed. I won't say them to them if I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who you don't want to be. And so sometimes we're trying to manage our diet or we're trying to manage how we talk.

57:05Jay Shetty:It's like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human, a healthier human, a better person. When you handle stress differently, I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handles stress. And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like. So another thing, and it goes back to respecting, we have to respect, unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally, like there's none of, there's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. but beneath that if anything in your life if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours that creates issues so in the book i break down three fight styles and the reason why i came up with the fight styles is because me and my wife would always argue and fight and have discussions and we would never we we would never swear or raise our voices, but we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matter sometimes and stuff that did matter.

58:11Jay Shetty:And I would walk away always thinking like she didn't care as much as me. I would always feel like she didn't love me as much as I loved her because she had a different way of dealing with stress. So her way of dealing with stress was she wanted to lock herself in a room. She wanted to be quiet. She didn't want to talk to me. She just wanted space and time and she would figure it out. And my way of dealing with stress is we're going to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about everything. I've got all the points laid out, the bullet points already, and that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give me some time.

58:47Jay Shetty:If I get to reflect and digest and introspect, I care. But I didn't think that. I think you don't care and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. absolutely and so my fight style which i broke it down is called venting and her fight style is called hiding and the third fight style in the book is called exploding and so a venter is me i want to talk about it i want to talk about it right now a hider is i don't want to talk about it i need space and an exploder is my emotions matter the most and i just need to talk about how i feel emotionally and so none of these are good or bad none of these are better or worse None of these are things to judge each other for.

59:24Jay Shetty:But when you know that's how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundary. So me and my wife will say, all right, you need two days. I want to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about it in 12 hours. Let's find the space where you get enough space, but I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about it now. And now I'm dealing with stress healthier rather than saying, oh, I don't like the way you deal with stress. You shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed. I love that. I think everyone in a relationship can immediately, if you're thinking right now about your relationship, you can kind of pinpoint how you deal with stress.

59:57In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, it was the same dynamic. I would be like, I need a minute. I'm going to go. And my boyfriend would be like, we need to talk about this. And he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you in this relationship. You don't care as much. And I'm like, just because I don't want to talk immediately, I'm thinking about it up there, but like, I don't want to talk about it right now. and so i think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of i know your need and i know my need and let's find compromise totally and it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like okay we now have established we know we both care yeah we are just handling it differently totally and when you know that like even when i was up in the bedroom just like ruminating on something I still knew like I know he's there and he wants to talk and we're both we're gonna figure this out yeah but you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you can actually then actually handle it

1:00:57Jay Shetty:yeah and it's and that's why I say respect because it's like judging someone for putting their milk before their cereal right and it's like you put your cereal before your milk and you would never be like oh I mean I mean some people get really passionate about this kind of stuff but generally I would think that you wouldn't but that is exactly how we deal with stress it's that like it's that example how do you do it serial first obviously yeah yeah okay okay I was just checking yeah but again no judgment but like serial before the melt but that's what I mean like we get so attached to like how we have learned to process emotions and we think if you don't process emotions like I do you don't care you don't love me we're not in this together and that's and that's where we just create assumptions out of nothing and start pushing the other person away.

1:01:45Jay Shetty:And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with it that way and we'll figure it out. I have one more final question. Okay. What is the most common mistake people make in love? I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the epitome peak experience of love is only through romantic love and i think people devalue the love a mother has for their kids uh friends have for each other people have for their brothers and sisters the love kids have for their parents like there are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love. And the biggest mistake we make is we think that this romantic relationship is the only place I get to give and receive love, which means I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said, well, if you don't have someone in your life, then you are not worthy of love.

1:02:51Jay Shetty:And so we kind of have a hierarchy of love where it's like romantic loves at the top. And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic. Often they're family, often they're friendship, often they're people for society, like sacrifice. So I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life. Studies show that 70 % of people believe in soulmates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me that is perfect for me and until I find them everyone else is not that person and I think that's a mistake we make in relationships because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person fully formed ready-made waiting to come out of a box and I think that's kind of how we've been trained like the perfect Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits inside a box that's shiny sparkly brand new they they are the they're wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to wear we can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are and it's like that person doesn't exist but what does exist is this unique interesting flawed fascinating individual that wants to make it work with you and you want to make it work with them and that's what makes it more special because you chose each other you weren't meant for each other if you were just meant for each other that means there was no choice that means it was just meant to be but if you chose each other that's what makes you special and that's what makes them special and that's what makes what you have special because every day you're working against all odds to be together it's such a good point it the like we said the word growth and the effort that you're putting in is also why you're in love with that person the issues you've gone through the things that you've had to overcome.

1:04:48That's why I'm in love with my partner. That's why you're with your wife. It's like looking at what we've gone through and how we've gotten to this point. I don't want something that's easy. I want something that's worth the work and the effort. Jay Shetty, everyone go read your book. It is truly like there are exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading. Like I read this and it is really incredible, Jay. just like you are able to do exercises that are very thought provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future so Jay Shetty it was an absolute pleasure

1:05:22Jay Shetty:Alex thank you so much you're you're so phenomenal what you do this is so fun you're the sweetest like I am so honestly this is like I'm so grateful to you on such a deep level uh for doing this and to open me up to your beautiful community thank you so much

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