Mischa Barton: Life Before & After The OC (FBF)

0:02What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Misha Barton, welcome to Color Daddy. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm so happy we're finally doing this. I know. We've like wanted to do this for so long and our schedules have been shit and we're finally here. We're on the couch. We're cozy. We're ready to go. We're doing it. So Daddy Gang, we're currently in New York, which is where you grew up and kind of like where you really, I feel like, got your start. Do you plan on staying here long term? Like, is New York it for you? I love New York. I mean, I just feel more at home here.

0:41I've actually, I mean, this last year, like, since we first started talking, like, I've been spending a lot of time in London and Europe again. But, like, I get that kind of, those kind of vibes when I'm in New York. And I get the culture. And I, you know, I started in the theater. I love being able to, like, go to the theater all the time and, like, hang out in the cute little bookshops. And I love, like, the village where I live. It's romantic and cute. It is. It's magical. I used to live here and like every time I come back I'm like yeah you're an east coast girl right Pennsylvania yeah but you were born in London or yes yeah no I was born in London and then we moved to New York when I was five and a half so I uh I actually had like a little British accent and the whole thing when I was a kid and had to lose it I got teased mercilessly in school was that actually a good thing sometimes for like work could would they be like do a British accent and you could or do an American and you could?

1:35Yeah, I still do. I mean, I'm very grateful for it because when I went to like, they had to send me to a speech coach to like get a proper transatlantic accent. So I don't - They're like, be a valley girl, bitch. You're like, oh God. Well, that was, that's really hard for, believe it or not, that's more complicated. It took living in LA for years to be able to understand what that even was. Because I only moved to LA for the OC. So like, they were like, they would always be like, can you sound more like you know you're from the valley or more orange county and i was like i don't actually like i've never been to orange county i don't actually like you know what that is you know it's weird though listening to talk you're so right you have this like eloquent tiny twang underneath and it is clearly from that like english background so you've got a great voice going back to the beginning what were you like as a kid i was pretty serious and very shy at first so like I was like painfully shy and um kind of awkward I guess like not very um but very serious when we think of actors and actresses I feel like people that can't relate are always like oh my gosh they're like the most outgoing and then I feel like every time I speak to an actor they're like no I'm insecure I was like trying to find my voice so like acting helped like how did you then find yourself like putting yourself in these situations I got into it by um I didn't want to do any of like the outdoor activities at camp but so I wrote this like monologue and then that was what you all had to perform something or show what you'd been doing all summer at camp and so like my big sister had been like horseback riding and doing all this stuff and I was just like sitting there writing and I performed the monologue and then like I guess someone's parent in the audience was an agent at a literary agency here in New York and was like oh well she should definitely get into acting.

3:28And so like I tried it and yeah, the rest is history. When I think about child actors, I always am like, okay, I can't imagine your social life in school, but was your experience like you were the cool kid in school or were you getting bullied or was you were just kind of like fitting in? I was always a bit like on the outside. I only had like one best friend and I was friends with a lot of the boys, but it was always like me and this girl, Laura Katzman, and like, it was just the two of us. And we were kind of like outsiders. And like, we were considered a bit like, you know, yeah, gothic, a bit weird, but it's like off the beaten.

4:05So we weren't popular. No. Yeah, that definitely wasn't the case. And I got teased once the Sixth Sense and stuff came out. And the kids realized that I was like, you know, in movies, then I got teased. And I did not want to be homeschooled. They tried and I fought that tooth and nail. I just acted up until they sent me back to school. I just didn't want to be stuck at home with my sister and like taken away from like that social, like it was so important to me to like have some semblance of a normal kind of, I enjoyed school. Like I really genuinely enjoyed learning and like I didn't want to become that like weirdo kid who was isolated, who had no like social kind of interaction.

4:47Right you're like let me be like gothic with my one friend in the cafeteria mom like let me live okay. That was important to me. So after high school you had plans to go to Yale. There was an early acceptance to the drama program which I wanted to do. That's like a huge deal and then you decided not to go. I got cast in the OC when I was you know it was right at that kind of pivotal moment where it was gonna like kind of yeah affect the rest of your life and I fought it originally I didn't really want to do it but I flew out and I kind of did an episode on another series like a different series that McG was doing and basically everyone was like you have to take this opportunity you have to because it's like it's a big role and it's a life-changing thing Do you ever look back at that decision and like question like, I mean, yeah, but like, I'm still like that.

5:43Like I live near NYU. I like every day I walk by I'm like, oh, I used to sit in the back of like some of my friends lectures and classes that were going to Columbia and NYU and stuff. And I would just like, I mean, I was obsessed with school culture and learning. I really enjoyed it. I'm going to walk past NYU like tomorrow and I'm like, is that Misha? You're like sitting in the classes. But I do. I find it fascinating. I mean, like, you know, my big sister, she's so smart. I mean, she studied law, politics, economics. And like, it's always like she went to the University of Edinburgh in the end.

6:16But like, yeah, I don't know. I was always very jealous of that. But yeah, it always kind of didn't sit well with me that I didn't get to do university, that I didn't get to go to college. So we talk about the OC. We got to get into it. You mentioned you obviously took that instead of going to college. Obviously, the OC was this phenomenon that I don't know if anyone expected it, but like it is still iconic to this day. People still talk about it. COVID, everyone's rewatching it like new people are finding the show. I'm curious, like, did you have any idea that it was going to be as big as it was?

6:50Not really, no. I think the first time that we realized was when we went to the first premiere episode of it. And like we literally thought that that whole crowd was there for something else. And we were like, I remember we were all riding in the same van together and like we looked over and we're like, what's that? And they were like, no, that's like the premiere for your show. That's where you're going. You were obviously the youngest of everyone basically on that cast. You were 17 at the time and everyone was in their 20s, 30s, 40s. What was the dynamic initially like with you and your castmates, you being 17?

7:27Well, I think it was a bit tricky for everyone because like, you know, just having like I was experiencing all of my firsts and like I was so young and like, you know, my mom would be on set. And yeah, I just needed a lot more like attention in that sense because I had my mom there and there was stuff going on and I was just finishing up school. And so, you know, they like it was a lot of my firsts. Let's put it like that. And I that kind of really like separated me a little bit from them in the sense that like I wasn't out there living on my own in L.A. like yet. you know I didn't realize that the romantic partner that you had on your on-screen relationship with the character Ryan Atwood with Marissa you being 17 at the time I didn't realize he was 25 and so like again as a 17 year old playing across a 25 year old like that's a pretty big age gap how did you feel about that like romantic on-screen relationship yeah it wasn't just on screen either I mean, it was kind of complicated for me because, like I said, like I went into that like a virgin, like a kid, like really feeling like I needed to grow up quickly to portray like, you know, acting with people older than me was a bit like, oh, wow, like they know what they're doing.

8:48and like there's going to be like relationships on this show and you're going to need to like play that part. And I didn't feel really ready for that because I was always like a really late bloomer in school and I hadn't really dated and I had, yeah, I just had like no idea what I was doing really. So I felt like I needed to catch up, I think, a lot of the time. So you had a relationship with your castmate? Yeah, I mean that was my first, like I had no idea like what I was doing. you know and I think that kind of set things off on the wrong foot too because it was like you know people hook up on these shows and whatever and like these things happen but it was um it we threw ourselves all into it very fast and like then you know when you break up and like things don't work and they see you dating other people and you know like notoriously there was a lot of like interdating on that show and different people um getting together but I yeah it was um it definitely was tricky that it happened like right out of the gate and that like I felt overwhelmed and not ready for any of that and kind of like you know they were also like I remember they were like Misha's disappeared with Ben and like she's only 17 and a half 18 like and the producers like went to my parents and were like you know it was like a very it was kind of a whole ordeal and so like that's in the very beginning of the show before we're even like halfway through a season so there was a lot going on there that show uh it just so much happened in three seasons it really feels like it was over the course of like seven years or something but it wasn't it was like all crammed into this tiny little space I didn't understand how much and I'm not saying this happened in your case but like I didn't understand how much directors like are really like promoting yes like hang out together and be together like it works for chemistry but was that your case where they supported it yeah I mean it kind of felt like a double-edged sword because like you know exactly what you said they're like oh we want it to seem like you guys are all friends and that you have chemistry and we need this to really work and make it look like you guys have this chemistry and then you sort of get punished for it on the flip side and they're like, oh, but not so much that it like affects our production or like what's going on here.

11:07And there's nothing you can really do about that because it's too late. Like, and, you know, I feel like when I, I was that young, so like in first relationships, like you just kind of know what you don't want. You don't know what you do want. And so you kind of like panic and, and try to like, yeah. So it was, it was definitely a tricky balance to strike. How did you emotionally and mentally handle a dynamic where you still have to see someone every day and like be cordial? But well, I mean, yeah, we just had to like suck it up and get on with it. And there was but there was a lot of like jabs behind the scenes and off camera and kind of like, you know, yeah, I felt I felt like that kind of ostracized me as well.

11:52Because like, you know, there was a market difference and like maturity level there. And so like it was, yeah, I don't know what to say about it. We got through it. A lot of jokes, a lot of like, you know, I really loved our crew and I did feel that they were really there for us and that it was like a family. And that part was positive. And like, I remember Rachel was saying to me recently, like she looks back at the scene where we're all playing like chicken in the pool and stuff. And it's like, those were genuinely happy moments where we could forget about like all the pressure that was on us and like and it was really hard because you know you would be out getting photographed with different people and like I did start dating and then you know you try not to bring that on set when people are you know you just try to let it go at the door and kind of get on with it and keep working

13:03did you end the relationship yeah I mean I yeah I drew I think you know like one of those things you're so young you've realized like I'm not ready for this like I have no idea what I'm doing yeah It's overwhelming. Yeah, overwhelming and just like too close to home. Like you can't, it would be a very, very tricky thing to keep going on set. And I think, you know, Adam and Rachel, like we all kind of experienced that in some form or another. But again, I just felt like not mature enough, like younger than them in that sense. I had not dated before and I was not aware of. And I think he was like really angry with me to begin with.

13:43and like kind of like and I felt the punishment of that like I felt that from the producers as well that they were not um like happy about that but like that's where the like there was such great chemistry between the characters and I think like people did fall in love with them because there was like genuine friendship and love there on some level you know such a good point like I remember when I was I had Rachel on my show and we talked about her and Adam and like the chemistry between the cast the core four it was like overwhelming for people and we romanticized it so much and I could imagine you're right like ending relationships like Adam and Rachel at one point like it was so heightened but that sexual tension was there and it really like it reads like even when you're looking at the scenes on like the Ferris wheel and stuff and like you know I think we like kind of hated each other at that point but like there was still this like intense kind of like tension there and so it really worked for for the show can I ask if you lost your virginity when you were filming the OC is that kind of yeah yeah yeah like that's what I'm saying like I was just such a like I had no idea about relationships at all or sex and so like it was kind of just like a whole learning curve for me you had mentioned there was bullying on set in like an interview and I'm curious if like you can talk about that a little bit as like being in that position like how do you deal with that there was just kind of like back talk between people and like there was it's I think I heard you say this of one of your interviews it's typical that in these sets where like everybody that not everybody is going to get along and even with like the secondary characters and like guest stars and people who came in you know there are going to be clashes there are going to people who are going to create rumors and make stuff up and like yeah And I think I was just very sensitive to that because I was so young and like finding out that like maybe people were talking about you behind your back because I was particularly like sensitive to that.

15:46It felt like high school, but in the real world and very elevated and very magnified. Totally. Marissa, the character you played was like the it girl. Like she's partying. She can get all the boys. She's got like the family drama. She's getting into trouble. I'm curious like did you relate to anything that she was going through I found those places in her I guess I mean like I yeah I started to more and more I think that's why they wrote so much drama for her in there like the relationship with her parents and stuff because that was the stuff that I could I felt that you know emotional turmoil and angst in my life going on outside of the show and And so it was easier for me to play into that.

16:30And so I did start, you can't help but start to relate to your character. When you're playing somebody day in and day out, there is this bizarre kind of like emergence of the two. And even like my social life outside of the show took on a very weird turn with me dating like, you know, like a typical like rich L.A. kid. And like some of that kind of like and because of the fame and the paparazzi and stuff, it kind of like all took on a weird turmoil around. So the character ended up like that's what we played up in her as well, because I really was going through a lot of growing pains and kind of coming into my own.

17:08And so the things I related to most was like her her inner turmoil. You leave at the end of season three. it's still to this day is like one of I feel like the most heartbreaking moments on tv your character dies how did you decide spoiler alert okay by the way if you're watching on tiktok turn this off I'm like so Marissa dies how did you decide to leave the show was it your decision that's complicated you know things had not been going like they really needed like a huge um cliffhanger something had to give something had to change and I'm like to be really honest like you know I think as Josh and Stephanie were writing it they they knew they needed something huge and the obvious thing was like how much more can we really do with Marissa like really what more can she do she's like experienced like with drugs her sexuality with like and they'd written so many things and they were such quick succession of arcs like that she was kind of like a character that was spiraling out of control and at the same time in my life like you know I was getting so much attention and there were other things going on like people trying to write other roles for me and I would not be released from the show I could not go do anything else so like you know even like Stan Lee was writing like a comic book character for me like there was no way that they were going to let me out to go do anything outside of the show because that's just how it is you're like and so I think it was the obvious choice um the friction just between my team at the time and them and like how I did seem to be the most alienated one and a bit a fish out of water like I think that was like it was an obvious choice and we like I don't know I mean Josh and Stephanie have their own ideas of how they ended it and they say that they regret like a lot of like how it they did handle it but I thought it made the most sense for her to go out with a bang she wasn't really a character that I thought you know should just like fade off into oblivion or like you know ride off into the sunset like she had to go somewhere and I felt like that was the right thing for her do you remember the feeling of when the world saw that scene like did you pay attention to how many people were so devastated?

19:32Were you overwhelmed? Yeah, it was crazy. I had people crying in airports to me. Like, people would come up to me on the street and be like, can I hug you? Like, I mean, people wanted to, like, physically touch me. They were just very, like, concerned about what had happened with the character. Because they're like, you're alive. It would really upset people, and especially upset young girls, and rightfully so. I mean, it should. Like, you know, she had taken it too far. And, like, but all the best characters do. And, like, all the best characters kind of, like, you know have some huge tragedy hers is a bit final but just a bit um when you went on the oc rewatch podcast with the girls i remember watching you like you looked upset when you were watching that final scene you were like oh my god well i haven't watched it maybe ever actually is there a reason well i never sat down and watched the show as it was airing it was not something so like a lot of it I hadn't seen and that one in particular I hadn't seen it since we shot it and I forgot so much about it like the fact that there's no music there is a really a choice because the show was so music driven so good and that whole thing is just kind of like silent and then you know the flames in the car like I didn't remember it being quite that dramatic the way the car is actually on fire and like oh girl it was dramatic yeah you had me in tears and then alleluia starts playing and then you're like but um when you watched it and you're like okay let's turn this off it's gonna get emotional like did what did it bring up for you seeing that scene because it felt like you were like upset we were upset on set that day a lot of the crew were really sorry to see me go and they were pretty upset and it was a lot of goodbyes and like you know putting on a brave face about the whole thing but basically like i mean i would always make make light of everything and we were like more blood more drama like you know and but it was um it was a sad time because we were we were sorry to leave each other you know yeah they really were like a family to me a lot of the guys and you know the heads of department on that show yeah were really there for me yeah through tough times you know how would you describe that time of your life like after the oc it was an intense time it was because i think the thing that um i hadn't really wrapped my head around was like the amount of worldwide fame that show actually got.

21:58And so there wasn't anywhere to really hide. And I think what overwhelmed me was like, I was doing all these campaigns. And like, there were times when I only had a few days off in the year, there was a lot of friction at home, there was like really no place for me to go that felt calm. and there was just a lot of pressure being put on me by um by people who expected the most out of me constantly and so like I never really like there were some years there where like there was only like maybe two days off the year like and I didn't so I and like what really got me would be going to somewhere like Australia or the wherever you would think would be like the middle of nowhere to like And then still having pictures surface of you.

22:45And it felt like I could never really get away from anything. And I had no privacy. The paparazzi were absolutely obsessed with you. It was insane. Can you talk about some of the details of the way that they would try to get to you to really embody what you were going through? It was dangerous most of the time. And also just extremely invasive. I mean, the lengths that they would go to to like tap phones and conversations and like find out where you were going and track your car and stuff. I mean, the lengths they went to were were pretty absurd. I think I read somewhere you said something like they would like give homeless people phones.

23:28No, they really did. They would give people like in the Malibu, like Country Mart and stuff and people on Rodeo. They would give like random people like phones and they would say like, if you ever see a celebrity show up, I'm the first person you should call. Like, I'll give you 50 bucks, 100 bucks, whatever it is. If you tip me off that you see like Misha or Nicole or any of these girls coming down here to like go shopping or go to lunch. That way they wouldn't have to like sit there all day and wait themselves in the car. Lazy bucks. You're like lazy piece of shit. Okay, you couldn't just wait there yourself.

23:59I mean, that's just insane. And you're right. Like it was a different time. And I think maybe with social media now, like there's just more access. So it's less intense. You can't get away with the same level of invasion of privacy. And you're right. Like it's better. I think people have lived and learned like the nice thing about social media is like and the way it is now, you can give access to what you want to give access to. And so if you share more, then there's less of this kind of insane wall to try to get behind. so they're not literally scaling the walls to celebrities' homes anymore because you're in there like posting about your life and you're sharing more about your personal life and so it doesn't have that kind of intense, the stakes aren't so high.

24:44You, I think, had said at one point, someone on your team around you started to give you like prescription drugs. When did that start happening and like how did that happen? It was happening even towards the end of the OC.

25:14Someone on your team around you started to give you like prescription drugs. When did that start happening and like how did how did that happen? It was happening even towards the end of the OC. like it was put into the contract that I had to have a sober coach with me and so then like I was being watched 24 7 but like it was still very popular in those days like to still be prescribing like Xanax and things for like you know like whatever like if you were under a lot of duress or stress they'd be like this is what you need to do to like kind of get through it and And it was just being constantly told what to do by people every second and micromanaged in every single way.

25:55And I think that that just became, I don't think, it did become overwhelming for me. And it wasn't like there never really was a proper break. There was never really a moment. And, like, I remember coming back home. Like, they were very concerned. Like, I walked into my house and there was, like, you know, like, ten guys in suits all sitting around, like, talking to me. I was like, what is this? And they were like, well, you have to go do a project in like two weeks. Like, are you going to be ready? So it just kind of all started compounding. You're saying the men in suits were there to like. It was just people from like all over, like the agency, like producers, like the people really wanted to know that I was going to be performing and doing like the schedule that they expected me to stick to.

26:41and like I mean I don't think that would even like I don't think you could really do that with actors now like now if you say to somebody like I'm I'm not doing well or I've like there are like trigger words that you can like where they're like okay well we have to leave this person alone like she needs like a few days off or she needs some time to herself like that wasn't the case then and I've listened to other actors talk about that too where they were kind of like I mean it's a big deal when you're helming a whole show and everybody's jobs are relying on you and and situations like that so that's an interesting point like mental health wise like no one was having conversations the way that they were now so like because all i'm thinking about is anyone like asking you like misha are you okay like do you need a break and instead everyone's like how are we going to get you out the door the next day like take this pill like everybody's here like Like we need to, you're making us all money.

27:38So let's go out the door. That's a lot of responsibility and a lot of weight to put on a young girl that's been doing this for so long. Like the beginning of this interview, I'm like, you're 10 when you get your first movie. Your mom, your relationship with your mother. At one point you did fire her as your manager. Like what was the dynamic that led to that? And then how did you get back to a relationship? It just wasn't healthy. And I mean, it's still like, you know, I've just in my life, I've really learned to prioritize like my chosen family and like the people who have really actually been there for me.

28:13I don't rely on like any one particular family member anymore. Like I've learned that for my own happiness and like those relationships, I think in life, to be honest, are the most toxic because you feel like you can say or do whatever you want to somebody because you're related. And I found that those have been the hardest for me to really understand. So, I mean, I'm completely independent now and I do everything for me. And, you know, like it's led to my like sobriety and happiness. And like I've had to watch other people crumble and it's been hard to watch. But like, you know, I'm just grateful that I've been able to kind of find the people in my life who have been there for me consistently and consistently shown up for me.

29:09And so like that's led to where I am now, which is like healthy and sober and happy. And like, you know, but unfortunately, I've had to lose a lot of family members along the way. And so like, you know, there are people in this industry who understand that there are a lot of people. it's it's unfortunate but it's sometimes like the reality of the world is that I think it's a good point though and I think I've talked about that on my show before like family the word family is so just by the way that you define it like it doesn't have to be blood and you can make your own family and like the family that you're born into it doesn't mean that it doesn't mean anything it's like if you're not getting treated correctly like then you need to adjust your relationships and you need to reevaluate and just because it's blood doesn't mean like you have to stay and you have to of course we're gonna fight for things to a certain degree but when it's so unhealthy um seeing things online of like potentially family members like stealing money from you like how do you get to a place where you can like be in relationships moving forward and like trust people from previous things that have been like so heartbreaking and happening to you yeah it There has been a lot of heartbreak.

30:21I think that like for me, the thing that's is like I have to like really concentrate on myself because it's sounds cliche. But like, you know, unless you love yourself and love you and like can spend the time with you, you're the person you have to answer to, you know, and like nobody else. And I've had other people I've been stolen from and lied to in so many different ways. over the course of, you know, the last 10, 15 years, especially. And like, it's only in the last like two, three years, even maybe that I feel like I have really taken responsibility for it and for myself and like, been like, you know what, the only thing that I can do is just be happy, healthy and sober and working out.

31:11And like, that's the only thing that's really gonna like, make make my life worth living because I had given up for a while there like I was very I just felt so I don't know I don't know it makes me emotional because I felt really alone

31:32yeah so I mean yeah it really has been just like cutting people out of my life truly I thank you for sharing that because I can imagine it's so hard when I'm like you're talking about your family and you're talking about literally getting stolen from you're like how do you like that's something that is like you couldn't feel more how could you feel not alone like the people that you usually would turn to to be like yeah I mean I think that you know I have to believe that in life everybody does things thinking they're doing it for the right reason and maybe like with good intentions but sometimes like there isn't always good intentions and sometimes you can't really explain why people do what they do and yeah that's a it's a tricky one and I think you know in family especially it's a tricky one and you can just like minimize your contact with those kinds of people and moving forward be careful about because I can tend to be a very open and trusting and kind of naive person for a long time there and I you know I had it happen kind of repeatedly to me in both like relationships as well people using me and so I realized that um yeah I don't know I mean like maybe I wasn't the best judge of character for a while there and to stop making excuses for other people because I think for a long time I was making excuses because you don't want to believe that somebody would like you know of course I'm curious Misha like when you were alone in those moments like how did you keep going because I'm trying to put myself in your shoes of like knowing the closest people to you are kind of like just completely abandoning you there's no trust you're getting stolen from like how did you keep even going.

33:29I mean, a lot of therapy and a lot of just like cutting people out and working on myself and like strength comes at the darkest times, you know, I mean, I've found my strength and when I was younger, like I didn't think I was, I thought I was going to like be dead by 27. I was going to be part of that 27 club. It was like, it was like live young and fast and like, you know, I was like, I really didn't give a shit. I was reckless. I was over it. I didn't really, you know, want to be doing stuff for other people anymore. I didn't want to be like, you know, the person that everybody needed to be making the money and doing the this and the that.

34:09And then like, you know, I think when I got to my 30s, and I was like, shit, I'm still here, I'm still going and I'm stronger than I was then, you know, and I've been through so much. And these experiences haven't killed me. and they've made me so much stronger and I've been to court I've fought for my rights I've fought for my freedoms and I've you know like when you get past that and out on the other side then your whole perspective on on life and everything changes because you're like I am strong right I'm strong and I used to get so upset with people because they'd be like you're the strongest person I know and that really felt like an insult after a while because it just felt like well why why do all these things keep happening to me but it's true I mean you really do um when the chips are down find that strength in yourself you know yeah I mean I'm so sorry because I can't imagine like being at a place where you are almost like aware that the end could be near for yourself because of what's happening in your life like I well I romanticized all of that kind of like rock and role just like you know I was just like I I had kind of made up my mind that it wasn't gonna like yeah that there was no real kind of longevity in it for me that I just didn't want to I didn't care to like keep going and then yeah like I said I think just I can't stand injustices in life and like I really can't stand when people do take advantage of people and I think that's where the strength that's really came from is just like you know what like I'm not gonna take this and like yeah fuck that like I'm not gonna sit by and uh and watch these people do that.

35:55Talking about that time in your life where like it was kind of like I was romanticizing it it was like fuck this like so in 2007 you were arrested for a DUI and a few years later you were held in a psychiatric hospital behind closed doors like what was happening with you at that point well the DUI I mean I don't really know what to say about that that was just it was what it was it was just like it was a straight up like we were out one night and yeah that was it was stupid got a DUI the psychiatric stuff like that was just like having a full-blown breakdown and like I mean that time it was really I was um I I was drug somebody had slipped me roofies and I was it was GHB and I'm lucky to be alive like I mean I just happened to be like I overdosed and so there was so many things that other people did to me that felt like so aggressively like wrong and you know I don't think that I realized how dangerous that seedy side of LA can be and like I had been kind of really protected and sheltered for a long time and when I kind of got out there in the like you know and I was like I want to live my life I want to be a normal person whatever that means and like go to like go to these parties go do this stuff and then it's like you know you end up in a situation like that it's so yeah I mean you really do you live and you learn and um that was uh yeah that was I mean it was I just had a full-blown breakdown from that when I heard you say like it was so annoying hearing people say like you're so strong you're so strong you're like but why does this all have to keep fucking happening to me it was just hard people saying that I mean like you know even Even like my boyfriends and all my friends around me would constantly say that.

37:41But I didn't feel as strong as I think I was coming across, you know. I do have this like kind of like British thing of like suck it up, just move on, like kind of don't show your feelings. Like just kind of try to keep like a good exterior to you. You know, it's only in the last few years that I really feel that like from the inside out. And for a long time, I didn't really feel that strength to the degree that I do now. I was thinking about like of all the when you're saying, you know, like people basically taking advantage of you. In 2017, one of your ex-boyfriends, you found out, had filmed you when you were having sex and was going and trying to shop the sex tape.

38:27Yeah. Can you take me back to the moment where you realized that even like existed and what you were going through? It was a disaster. It was an absolute fucking nightmare. But I mean, yeah, I don't like to go back there. But I will tell you, I mean, it was, yeah, shady. Boys who live together in a house, probably red flag. Too many computers, red flag. I mean, like the whole thing was just like, in hindsight, red flags everywhere. But like, I mean, in the bathroom, in the living room. like the whole like just constant so yeah it was bad no idea no idea absolutely no idea somebody actually showed it to me and I was like one of his friends came to me and warned me and I didn't think it was possible that some of that was real and it was I mean and apparently he was even caught saying to somebody like he knew that um Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and all these people had had sex tapes and that like I was one of the only um girls who wouldn't like and I mean if you know me I'm like quite I'm very private and really prudish when it comes to like sexual relationships and what I share and so that was just like I mean I thought my world was ending it was literally like the worst thing that anybody could do to me I mean forget all the like other things that people have done to me that for me was like no I cannot go on if this person manages to do this to me and so like I was at a friend's house in the Hollywood Hills I remember and she woke me up and she was like oh my god there's a rumor going around that um that there is like footage and I was like of what like what can it possibly be I that was a whole crazy experience I became my own detective and I went and went to the LAPD and I was constantly contacting like the sex crimes like I did my own surveillance of him and his friends found him like yeah so I had to turn into like a full-blown vigilante there for a minute and did you glad I did absolutely when you found also out like did you have a conversation with him did you not speak to him again god no no I mean like he disappeared he upped in like I mean it was already over the like it was just a like a two-week thing and it was so he'd already gotten what he wanted he was long gone I had to like track him and his friends down and I mean yeah it was like a nightmare get like going into court getting all these restraining orders constantly showing up for over a year like a year and a half over a long period of time and if I hadn't had the support I'd had from lawyers and from other women who were more aware of it and there was no real laws at the time like the LAPD were like oh we deal with stuff like yeah we have we we know this stuff goes on but I'll never forget walking into the police station and like giving them the address of the house where I thought most of it happened and they brought it up on the, and the cop turns the computer around and he goes, is that him?

41:42And he was actually there on Google maps in front of the apartment building with his dog. And I was like, I mean, like when I say the detective in me, like came out. You have no idea. You're like, let's go get this mother fucker. You have no idea. So did you date this guy for two weeks? Yeah, it was just like a, like two week fling. what goes through people's minds, like where they see opportunity, isn't it? It's just so sick how it happens. Any woman listening, like if they are going through this, like it is not your fault. It is illegal and it's a crime. I'm curious when of everything like that's just you've been through in your life.

42:22Are you resentful at all? No, no. I mean, there are people that I look back on and I'm like, you know, I've definitely can't stand them. I'm glad that they're not in my life anymore. And I blame them for some of the things that kind of went on around that time period. But no, I mean, I don't think you can be resentful in life. I think I still have, I like to think, like a great sense of humor about things and like to be, I keep things very lighthearted and I keep my chosen family very close and, um, and the family that I do choose to speak to very close. And like, you can't be resentful in life.