Nessa Barrett: My Journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy. natha barrett welcome to call her daddy thank you so everyone probably knows you from tiktok and i feel like sometimes when people pop off on the internet there's this whole thing of like wait where did this person come from who are they what are they about wait like what is their life story so can you give us like your elevator pitch of like who you are so i'm from new jersey very small town. I've changed schools quite a bit. I've played soccer all my life. I've also been, you know, doing music all my life because my dad was heavily into music.

0:47I always grew up with a studio in my house and I ended up getting like around like eight concussions. I had suffered from like pretty bad brain injuries and I had to completely stop sports like altogether. And I was like a pretty like athletic person growing up and I soccer was my life like when I would get punished like my parents would like ground me from going to practice like it was and I'd freak out um and so as soon as I stopped doing that I had to find something else um and I started posting on social media and then I'm here

1:39when you became popular on tiktok how did it feel to have so much attention so quickly oh my god i love it i mean i'm a leo so i love attention um and i felt felt like i never really got that growing up in uh my entire life that was kind of something that i chased whether it was like you know wanting friendships I just wanted people to like me and so the second that I for once wasn't just like a loner like kid and like people kind of like were interested in me um it was a really good feeling. How though did the kids at school treat you? Everyone in my school um or most of my friends had the app before I did and they um I was told you know to download it and I made a video So during school, and I just remember like going to like biology class and going to the bathroom to check my phone after.

2:39And I was like, whoa, these are famous people following me, one. And then I just, my notifications were like insane. I like blew up like during school and everyone thought it was so cool at first. But then when it got to a certain degree, it was like, I was like an outcast because of it. and I would like walk into class and like they would take pictures of me from Google and make them like all of like the home screens on like the computer and then teachers would um you know use like my name and like my salary as like anecdotes for like math problems and like it was yeah and it was like a weird stuff and like having like freshmen like kids like come up to me and ask for pictures it's like it was a lot and I just remember like I hate school I hated school and the only way I was going to college was for soccer and when that was out of the picture I was like no I'm going to college and then when this happened it was like I begged and cried to just be homeschooled would you confide in anyone about that it's like hard to explain because I'm like the type of person that I get so embarrassed with what I go through that I don't really want to talk about it and I try to just like hold in everything and just like deal with it myself and I also feel like no one gives a shit about like me or like what I'm going through and that's just how like I have a very big like victim complex like and so I just like would just like take it and then cry about it like alone um and like I occasionally you know I talk about it with like my really close friends but it it was just really weird for me because I like the year before that too like I I was like, I felt like I was already became an outcast in my school.

4:25And like in high school, like I was new, I was the new kid as a freshman. Like no one's ever seen me before. I moved to a different town and I left my previous school because I, you know, I felt like I didn't belong there. And I was kind of like, you know, alone and like outcasted. And so I moved to a different high school and I was like, everyone like loves like the new kids you know at first and then I yeah sophomore year is like downhill you mentioned that you kind of had this like music studio in your house that your dad had put together and he kind of had aspirations in the industry like did he give you any advice of like what to do how to handle moving forward and like how to kind of craft your career me and my dad have um we don't have like the best relationship I'll always love him because he is my father you know and I like plan on working on our relationship in the future.

5:21You made a big decision to move to LA at one point. Can you talk about when and why you decided to leave New Jersey and go to LA? Yeah, so it was during the pandemic and everything was just like it everything was on lockdown and at that point I was you know I was going to the studio when I would go to LA and I was visiting LA like quite often And, like, there was a point where I would go to public school, like, Monday to Friday. And I had, like, senior option, which is where I had enough credits to just, like, leave at, like, 11. And I would leave at 11, go right to the airport, fly to L.A., and then come back Sunday or Monday and then do school the rest of the week.

6:06And I couldn't stay locked in my house in New Jersey, not doing anything that I, you know, created already and started. And, like, school was just, you know, online anyway. So I bought a plane ticket when I was 17 at 1 a.m. That was, I had to leave for at 4 a.m. And my parents knew that I was going to run away. so they took all of my suitcases and I packed everything up in like old school bags and my old soccer bags and like duffel bags that I had and got an uber and left were you scared terrified terrified the worst was that I had a connecting flight and so they had no idea and I'm like I'm taking I'm on my first flight and I'm thinking oh I got away with it I have land on my connecting flight and I phone blown up where am I all this stuff like they're tracking my flight they know where I am like cops are coming to get me like they're not gonna and I'm like what the heck so I'm just like like playing like I don't know I was like trying to be like undercover like at like the the airport like freaking out my anxiety was so bad and um yeah I just hopped on the next flight and I just kept going you're what 17 years old who did you stay with did you have any friends in LA like no yeah so I was visiting LA uh a lot before I ended up running away and so uh I had a boyfriend at the time and I stayed you know um at their house and I just went straight there because that's where I was like staying before um and so like I I knew like a few people there and I had a place and in my my mindset at the time was like anything other than being home is better for me you know it's like I would have done anything to get out of that situation and then you never went back so you were dating Josh Richards who is also a TikTok star what was your relationship like

8:19um yeah I mean you know I feel like because of social media we developed a very serious relationship for like it was too serious for how young we were and um I mean like he was a part of Sway at the time too and I mean like those boys like they were blowing up like that was like their prime when we started dating so it you know like them being like 17 18 you know blowing up living in LA like in a house of their own it's like a frat house of like social media and um you know it's it's hard to you know resist some things and I wouldn't say that this is the truth but how I felt at the time was that a lot of the good parts of our relationship was simply for views and content and that stuff and it got like really hard for me to process because I'm you know I fall for people like heavy and I get very attached and so seeing things a certain way was kind of just like I couldn't understand it everything you see is not always what it's it actually is no yeah exactly and like I I felt like you know two about two years ago like I made a drastic change with my persona online and how I let people see me because you know my the very beginning of me being online I was doing whatever I could to be the person that everyone wanted me to be and to be liked and I faked almost everything like I wasn't being real I wasn't myself I it was just yeah can you talk a little bit more about that like what give us an example of like what you would be thinking?

10:11I mean, for one, like my style and, you know, my attitude. I have struggled with mental health so much and I am a pretty sad person, but I, I, in the beginning, like I developed such a bubbly character that was almost like, you know, like, like, I don't care. Like, I'm just happy and like giggly. And like, it was, it was just not me. And then over time, I just like kind of like allowed myself to be like that person that like everyone could like make fun of. How did you try to maintain any type of autonomy over who you really were versus what was going on on the Internet that you were posting? Yeah, I mean, like I just struggled a lot with my identity at that point.

10:54And I feel like the second I actually started, you know, making music and like writing my music, it really helped me like understand how like who I was, you know. and um that's when I just stopped caring like I'm just gonna do uh what I want to do and I'm gonna be myself because I mean it's like the best thing to do at this point last year all of the drama unfolded between what seemed like two TikTok couples there was you and Josh and Mads and Jaden and you were all friends until you weren't and it kind of all blew up yeah what happened

11:38um see this is this is just like a very like sticky situation to talk about because I feel like there's like multiple sides to every story and it was just you know we were all living in a house together um and I felt like separately we each were going through problems in our relationship and um me and like yeah me and Jin were really good friends and we started um doing La-Di-Di and that's when like everyone's like oh my god like they started like falling for each other when they did La Di Di and I'm like no you know like that it wasn't like that's not like what happened um it was like after uh like the song was already made and everything was already done it was like after um but uh yeah like we were struggling uh with in our relationships uh separately and um there was a lot of tension in the house too because um you know certain people didn't really get along and Josh at the time like before we broke up um he was just so busy with work and I was like heavily like starting my music career and um so there was just a point we decided to break up too because I was struggling a lot mentally and I've just realized that like hey like we started dating when we were really young and we're both just not the same people as when we started and I just felt like we had a lot of different interests you know um and it got to a point where sometimes you just realize that you're more comfortable than you know in love at the moment I don't know we broke up and then stuff just started happening and it wasn't like anything like sneaky really um I felt like I just let my heart kind of just like take control and I knew that it was like really bad timing and like not the best situation and I just know how it looked and it should have looked that way because I didn't make a poor decision um but like I don't regret anything um and also to like which I don't want to use any like it's it's I don't want to sound like I'm like making up excuses for myself but like with my like mental health stuff um and with BPD there's a thing called favorite person and like we can get into that like more in depth but your brain basically like unwillingly attaches itself to someone and when that happens like that's all you can think about and you'll do anything to make that person happy and they become your life and identity at that point and it turns romantic because it's so hard to identify the difference between that you know when you when you're so in love with someone it's like they become your favorite person but with BPD it's like different and I think because me and Jen were spending so much time with each other with music and all that stuff and we were really close friends and I, you know, wasn't with Josh anymore.

14:58And even when I was, it's like he was gone most of the time. We didn't really spend that much time together. My brain attached itself to Jaden in that way. And so that's when I was like, I'd do anything at that moment to make it, make it work. But then, you know, social media gone to play and then the whole drama started and it created it It's something that it probably wasn't going to be. Like, we started dating, like, it became serious and an actual thing, like, after everything broke out on the internet because we felt like we had to. The night that everything kind of, like, broke out was the day that our performance, we performed on Ellen.

15:44It was, like, a headline that, like, oh, we announced that we're dating. Like, we made it official. and I was like what the heck I you know like I'm not gonna lie like I was being like very selfish and I obviously felt a certain way but I feel like everyone can say at certain points that like what people say online is not gonna affect them but and even if you don't want it to and you don't let it subconsciously it's gonna be in your head you know and it's gonna do something and um I'm just very thankful that I got to deal with that situation with someone but on my side because it you know I've dealt with a scandal similar to that and I was completely alone dealing with it so it was different and I felt like a blessing and a curse to you know go through it with Jaden but it was really hard I just didn't want to really talk about the situation because I was one kind of embarrassed but too also like very angry at the way that everything played out and it it was just something that like made me really upset because at the time I just thought that I was doing something that would make me happy but then I had the whole world you know calling me a slut and telling me that I'm a backstabbing bitch and like all this stuff and I'm like a a homie hopper and like a homewrecker and all this stuff and um it was just very frustrating to me because I was like there's so many aspects of the entire thing that no one knows about um I think it also helps clarify again like we said like everyone has different perspectives and I appreciate you just kind of speaking from your perspective because I think again a lot of people are just going to respect how gracefully and respectfully you handled the situation and you continue to handle the situation I feel bad more than anything and I've realized that I just was really selfish again I appreciate you just like being honest and taking ownership and you and Jaden kind of just become in this huge relationship that becomes larger than life which had already happened to you once with Josh of like everyone wanting to watch everything you're doing on the internet and then it ends what happened we honestly got to experience such amazing things together I mean like I performed at Lollapalooza with him and like we did everything and I was like you know uh I was on tour with him for a little bit when uh he was on tour with MGK and um you know again like I wouldn't regret it um and we've had a lot of great moments that I would cherish forever.

18:32And, um, it, again, it was just, everyone already had something to say about it and us. And, um, and as much as, you know, we wanted to not let things affect us, it did. And, um, during our relationship too, like we both really struggled mentally and we also were kind of like, because of how it started, I felt like we always felt like Like we were outcasted from like everyone, you know, and it was just kind of like an us against the world type thing. And that got hard when we both were struggling so much personally. And there was just a lot of things that we I felt like we both needed to work on before jumping into another relationship, which we did way too fast.

19:25and um it got really tricky and our mental health just got the the both of us and um it it you know um we just had a lot of growing to do and I felt like there was also the pressure of us like all the drama like we felt like we had to make it last there is speculation that he cheated is that true um

19:59I wouldn't okay not physically as far as I don't think um and I don't blame him for anything because at the time when things started happening I wasn't the best person in a relationship because I was struggling so much. And I know how it feels to, you know, want attention from other people when you're not getting it by the person that you're with. And, you know, there's just a few things that I wasn't too happy about. And that made me very insecure. Yeah. Yeah.

21:00When and why did you begin to struggle with your mental health? Yeah, so I started going to therapy when I was six. um I was diagnosed with anxiety and um I think that there were some signs that my parents picked up on that they were like well like I don't know why she's freaking out like I would get um like attached to like certain things and like freak out if I didn't have like you know them on me or like I didn't have them around and then uh I think I had to go on a plane for the first time and my reaction to that was just a telltale sign that I needed to go get treatment. So, yeah, so I started going to therapy when I was six and doing family therapy as well because there was, you know, custody battles and stuff like that.

22:01My parents were never together, but for the beginning of my life, they tried living together and then that caused a lot of stress for me um which is like living at home was just hard for me um and when I was 14 which was like I was yeah I was a sophomore in high school um I had um it was shortly after I got my last concussion I spiraled and I guess the trauma that my brain had just exacerbated all of my mental health and everything just went terrible. I developed really bad ADHD and I couldn't go to school because I couldn't read like more than two sentences without vomiting. um I had to go to like ocular and vestibular therapy to learn how to like you know run or like balance on one foot and like you know catch balls and um like how to track my eyes because they were so it was like really bad and um because of my ADHD you know getting really bad because of my brain injury.

23:21I struggled a lot mentally, and that's when I had my first actual suicide attempt, and I was hospitalized for it, so that was pretty rough. Did your family find you, or how did they find out? um yeah I um I I overdosed on a medication that I was prescribed to aid my concussion you know and like the pain that came with it and my migraines and all that stuff and I was at my dad's house at the time and I think he was like making dinner and I was upstairs in my room and he kept calling me down for dinner, and I guess I wasn't answering, and I don't remember much. All I remember was going in the bathroom, and I had, like, an old, like, glass cup that was, like, empty in my room, and I was just like, you know what, like, fuck it, like, I'm gonna do it now.

24:25I was very impulsive, very impulsive because of my ADHD, and I was so deeply depressed, and I've always dealt with, like, Like, you know, having such intense and, like, deep, like, feelings where I would just, like, I was so depressed. And, like, I would, like, cry and I couldn't stop crying. And I'd get, like, so mad and angry and, like, mean. And I didn't know what was wrong with me. And when it got worse because of my concussions, like, I felt like I was insane. And that there was no getting better. And I was done. And I felt like I was a burden, like, to my family. And, you know, I caused, like, so much pain because of how I was mentally.

25:02And so I went to a bathroom and filled it up with sink water. And I just, yeah, I overdosed. And I just remember while it was, like, kicking in, I sat down and I wrote everyone notes. And I think I just, like, passed out on the floor. And my dad found me and just, like, carried my limp body and called 911. And I just remember he, like, there was a hospital that was, like, so close to the house. and I was like in and out of like consciousness and like I just remember his voice echoing, you know. I didn't really know what was going on and he was like on the phone with the ambulance like freaking out and like asking how fast that they could come and all this stuff and he was like, you know, I'm just going to drive.

25:50I'm just going to put her in my car and just like drive to the nearest hospital and they were like telling him not to do it and so he was like trying to drive to meet them closer because they wouldn't come And I just remember them, like, dragging me out of his car just to put me in the back seat. And then I remember, vividly remember, like, my mom, like, yelling at me while the ambulance doors was closing while I'm on, like, the stretcher. And I just, like, woke up in the hospital. But I think the scariest and, like, most traumatizing thing for me was my little brother witnessing it. And him just, like, you know, crying.

26:27and I felt like I just like scarred him for life, almost seeing that and him just being like, is this he okay? Like what's wrong with this? Is he like freaking out? And it's, yeah. How did you and your whole family like begin to try to just help you recover and try to move forward with life? Yeah, I mean, I don't really know. I think that my parents were more like mad at me than anything, which was very hard for me to deal with because I'm like I was just like in so much pain you know like how and I think that like I just wanted like I I think that was a moment where I just like I just wanted to be loved the most um and supported and I've thought about death and suicide since I was like 10 and so you know being in hospital and not knowing like I was too young to know like like, what actually, like, what happened and what would happen.

27:28And I, um, I was getting my blood work done, like, all the time, like, all throughout the night. Like, I was, like, on IVs and all this stuff. I had, like, nurses and, like, officers. I would, like, I was on suicide watch. You know, I couldn't pee without people following me. I couldn't do anything. Um, and it, it sucked. And And then I thought that like once I got better, I could go home. And I was, all I wanted was to go home. So did you end up having to go away? Yeah. They put me on a stretcher. I think like three days later when a bed opened up at a place and I arrived at a psych ward. I was obviously in the pediatric, you know, because I was 14.

28:15So it was like, you know, kids around my age. And I was very shy and timid and scared and embarrassed. And I didn't want to talk to anyone. Like, I don't want to, like, open up to anyone. Like, when they would have group, it's like, no way I'm sharing, like, my story or, like, why I'm here, anything like that. And then I learned that there is a point system. And you have to in order to get out. And I was on level one. and you got to be on level four to even get considered to leave. And, um, yeah. And that was scary too, because my parents also placed me on phone protocol. So you don't have phones and phone protocols when you can't even use the pay phone to call anyone.

29:00You don't get calls. You can't. So I was completely like isolated and alone, like in that spot. And it was, it was traumatizing but then as soon as I got comfortable in there um and like started making friends like it was it was like fun and then you start feeling like you know I felt like I belonged you know for the first time if you could like say something to that 14 year old girl now where you're at like what would you say to yourself oh my god that thank god she was in there because I I mean, I wouldn't be where I am now. Yeah, and I just felt so, like, hopeless at that point because I couldn't really see, like, a future after getting out of there.

30:03at 18 you got a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder can you explain what that means um yeah so borderline personality disorder is very tricky and it's different for everyone that has it because it's basically a self-taught disorder that is developed from childhood trauma and um it's not like a chemical imbalance um which I have other you know my anxiety and like depression all that stuff that is but this isn't because it's just habits and almost like defense mechanisms that you've developed from trauma um growing up and it just adapts your entire personality. And, um, there's a lot of things that come into play with like, you know, very harsh mood swings.

30:52And then, you know, um, you get very intense, like manic and manic episodes and, um, identity, um, problems like with self identity and, um, you know, uh, abandonment issues and it's the list can go on but it is such the one of the most like painful mental health illnesses because of how intense and severe um your emotions become when you have it so say like whenever I feel any sort of sadness all my brain kind of shuts off all the signals for any other emotion and I am unable to process or remember what happiness feels like or that happiness is an emotion at all so all I feel is sad and all I can ever feel is sadness and that there's no escaping it and it's like you just it hurts like it it's like you're it's so painful mentally that it starts to physically hurt and you you can't really control anything um and that's why where I struggle the most because it makes you act out in ways that you know isn't you and you really have to learn how to become very self-aware in order to help yourself.

32:18How did you feel when you got the diagnosis? Relieved um my mom always thought I had it um but I was previously misdiagnosed with bipolar and I was like yeah okay maybe because like you know it ran in my family um but I would like look it up and like research and I was like this doesn't make sense because it's like not me and so when I was diagnosed with BPD it made a lot of sense when you said your mom always thought you had it would she say that to you like how did that affect you yeah and I also knew that she would um bring it up when I would get like evaluations and you know all this stuff and I just remember people being like we can't diagnose her with that because she's under 18 um and when I was diagnosed she told me like I knew it too um but um yeah at first it makes you feel like something's wrong with you but I've just kind of learned to that like at least I I know what's wrong.

33:23Yeah. When you talked about the trauma that you endured, can you clarify what you were talking about? Um, I just dealt with a lot of hard, um, things growing up. Um, and, um, it's just hard for me to talk about it because I don't really want to, like, throw anyone under the bus, you know, but, um, I just, I had a really rough childhood, and, um, I've, you know, but it was just really hard for me, but, like, even, like, when I got older, too, I started, I got, you know, trauma from, you know, people that weren't just, like, in my family, like, when it came to, like, boys, and, like, I feel like almost every girl now deals with, like, sexual trauma because people fucking suck.

34:25But I just went through a lot of fucking shit. I don't know if I'll ever be, like, comfortable opening up about it

34:36because, like, right now I'm trying to, especially in therapy, I'm trying to learn how to detach myself from it and learn that it doesn't really, you know, make, it's not a part of me and it doesn't make me who I am. um and I'm also trying to learn how to forgive so um yeah thank you no I I appreciate that I think so many women it's like it's an ongoing journey and we talked about social media and obviously with your mental health like has anyone ever suggested that you step away from social to preserve your well-being oh my god yes I've gone on a lot of breaks um the problem is is that like I'm a teenage girl and I don't want to get off social media and I also care too much about what people say and so even though I know it's going to hurt me from reading comments online and scrolling as until I find a negative one because that's what I do for some reason I'll just keep scrolling until I see a hate comment and then I'll keep scrolling until I see more um but it's like I don't know.

35:47I just have a problem. My team suggests it all the time and even my friends. I know it's best for me, but I feel like sometimes I'll freak out more if I don't know what's being said about me. It's a hard thing. In June of this year, you lost your close friend and fellow TikTok star, Cooper Noriega. He lost his life. first of all I just want to say I'm so sorry in what ways has losing your best friend affected your life um I feel like this was just something that I couldn't really ever comprehend and um you know I feel like I don't really I don't really have like close family I'm not that close with my family and I I'm just like alone out here and like all I really had was Cooper and he was like a brother to me and my um my best friend ever like a twin flame like I believe that you have like multiple soulmates in your life and I feel like he was like my platonic soulmate like 100 like me um as you know a boy and um I never had anyone understand me the way that he did So this kid struggled, you know, just as much as I did, maybe even more.

37:19And I knew that. And I felt like as long as I knew him, it was an ongoing battle to keep him here and to make sure that he was safe. And drug addiction is just something that's so scary. You know, I felt like everyone just did as much as they could, but I never thought that this day would, that day would ever come. And I was, you know, it just sucked because I just, like, we were, like, waking up from a text from him that day.

37:53And I didn't want to believe it. Like, I couldn't. I lost myself. Like, I lost myself completely. Like, I was destroyed. Because there was never a thought in my brain that I would ever have to live a single day without him, you know. I never thought that there would be a day where I didn't even text him, you know, or not see him. And up until that point, too, like, we were spending every day with each other. like so um and then I think like you know it just got really hard and it was just like very big like tragic thing for everyone very unexpected I think you know we all knew he was struggling a lot more than before but I didn't ever think that he would you know leave I really I told anyone this, um, but, like, we openly talked about, you know, how much we struggled here on this earth in our mental health so much, you know, we both, like, when we were, you know, suicidal or, you know, struggled with anything like that, it was, like, each other that, like, we would, like, you know, have to, like, make us, like, feel like we need to be here, and we were like this and so it's like if one of us was going out like we were going out together that's just like that's how it was in my head and so when he was gone I don't know how I could like live um it's very hard how has the grieving process been for you I mean like for the first like week I it wasn't on my phone.

39:56My phone was shut off. It was like, you know, kind of like mute at some points. Dying, like on suicide watch. It was terrible. Grieving is such a crazy thing. And I, you know, I dealt with the, you know, losing people in my life, but never the closest or the only person that I had. And it's just something that you can't really fathom until you're in it. and I didn't know what I was doing. I was struggling so much already because I just went through a breakup. And so it was just like, it was really weird for me. It felt like my entire life just flipped upside down and I was just like, I was just falling apart.

40:42And I was grieving and trying to deal with all my emotions alone. Because that's the only way I knew how to. And I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone because it made it more real to me. And it was just, like, really hard for me to, like, just open up about. So I was dealing with it alone. And at the same time, too, like my best friend Sabrina, I was just trying to be strong for her and strong for, you know, his family and, like, everyone. That I was just dealing with everything by myself. and it ate me alive and that's why I ended up getting admitted actually into mental hospital and the first one since I've been in like since like when I was 14 so it's pretty scary.

41:37Did you go into the treatment center because of everything that happened with Cooper? Yeah, I just broke and lost control fully, and I had a suicide attempt. I was taking Xanax for my anxiety and to fly and all that stuff, so I was on that. and when you take an excessive amount of that, which I never had before,

42:11it just like turns you into someone that you're not and I just like went into my car, I think, and I don't remember anything, but from what I was told, I was planning on driving off of a cliff while I overdosed. And, um, I think as soon as I started backing out, Bree and Sabrina just, like, pulled up, like, like, right by my car. And they got me to get out and all that stuff. And, uh, and, yeah, like, the next day, I, uh, just, like, I think opened up and was, like, kind of, like, vulnerable and honest for the first time. and I just like cried and I was like I'm so scared and um we just called the ambulance and um I got help and thank god you're here again it's kind of like you've become so open that I feel like you've completely knocked all the shame away from just talking about these things that people would look at someone and maybe think a different way even a couple years ago what are you doing to try to find a reason to live right now it puts you in a perspective that's so interesting because you just realize how much you've taken for granted the fresh air and walking on the ground is just so and being outside is just so like comforting and like amazing that I, you know, I was excited that I got, you know, a second chance and I just convinced myself and especially up to Cooper, like I've just gotten like, I've developed so much like faith and I've become religious out of nowhere, um, that I was just like, God must want me here for a reason, you know?

44:15um I was like there's no way that like I'm just not gone yet so I you know I have to do something and I just also realized that like I just have such strong sympathy for everyone that struggles mentally and goes through hard times that like I don't want to leave at all because I want to be here in order to like make an impact for those struggling and I feel like um I still have just like so much to do and I don't want to live for Cooper and um you know I just see life so differently now and I feel like now and the first time in forever I've been open to like taking getting help seriously and and I've just like gone through waves where I you know I hit rock bottom and then I get help and then as soon as I start feeling good again like I stop because I think I'm fine um but it's like not true and I just realized it's all about like maintenance and like the upkeep and not like I just have to continue going and so yeah and I've also been like so anti-med that like now I'm like on a mood stabilizer which is like I feel like it's working that's like another thing I commend you for there's so much stigma around medication and I think like Like you just saying like everyone, it's almost like therapy.