Nicole Byer (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy

0:15welcome so this is my dog just in case it moves your dog yeah he loves a bag wait is there a dog in there dude what the fuck what i just didn't want it to move and you'd be like what is in there but he like loves the bag he's really quiet what's his name clive wait clive can come out if you want him too he can say oh my what do you care Clyde hi oh my god can I take a picture of that dude Nicole this is iconic okay what kind of dog is that I think he's a papillon chihuahua mix I'm like crying I'm like I think this is like what I needed today I had like the most intense emotional therapy session this morning so I was so excited to like laugh and have fun I'm like what time do you do therapy?

1:079 15 in the morning. Why? It's the worst thing that I could have ever done to myself. It's so bad. I regret it every day of my life. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings and then like go to work. And I've done that before like in the middle of a shoot day. I'm like I know we have lunch at this time because this was crew call. I can do therapy and then you do it and then it's like okay back to being funny. So what have you done today so far? today I was supposed to have a personal training session at nine I had one two days ago I woke up and I was like still kind of still there so I texted him and I was like sorry Ben I'm not doing it today and he was like Nicole and I was like my abs hurt yes I did a lot of dead lifting I'm tired so you just relaxed yeah so I went back to sleep until 10 30 oh love that which is delightful to just sleep in that's right when i was like tears you were just you were like during therapy we're on different wavelengths today which is fucking great um okay i usually do my interviews always wednesday noon and last guest i have i offered them a drink they were down would you like to go make a drink go make a drink an alcoholic an alcoholic drink you want to you You wanna go?

2:23Sure. So we're just like kind of vlog podcasting. Okay, I love this. It's a new experience. We're trying it. We have tequila, we have vodka. I'm a vodka gal. Okay, love that. Come on Clyde. Okay, I'm gonna do tequila. Ooh, maybe I should do tequila. It's an upper. Like I'll just do a little vodka, a little tequila. And like some cold. That's not for me. I can't be mixing. You're the first person I've ever podcasted with that I've made a drink with. Oh, really? So we're like doing a lot today. I love this. Wait, where's Clyde? Who's in this bag? Dude, is that like too much tequila? That's not. It's fine.

3:06Okay. Clyde made it fucking strong. That'll do it. That's good. Okay, let's go. Let's go back. Let's fucking podcast. Here we go.

3:22okay so if god forbid we lost all the footage downstairs let's tell everyone can you imagine what did you put in your drink a little bit of vodka topo chico ice cubes a splash of crayon and then half of a lemon so good it's really refreshing okay I did tequila topo chico and a little pineapple okay it's it's quenching my thirst i feel like we're doing an ad alcohol happy to be here okay so nicole walks in and then you brought two bags we got the gucci which we'll get to but

4:05um we have our first live dog ever on a call her daddy said this is iconic this is clyde oh we just went back into the bag he said no thank you to life which is what happens sometimes when i wake up you know unsubscribe i don't want to be here and i'll roll right over and go back to sleep i cannot believe he did that that's so funny like mother like son okay so clyde is in your bag should we go through our bags do you care i don't care okay let's do it okay this is people like Gucci it's the cheapest one they make it's cute truly the cheapest one I have my joke notebook oh nice um I have a portrait of myself breathe the costumer I nailed its daughter made for me pepper very cute my sunglasses case love that uh a mask A wallet Ooh what is this Straight up trash Oh I left this note on the door for the fucking UPS man I was like for my signature sign for me please But I spelled sign wrong it says sing You like hear the UPS man singing I cracked my tooth Is that your tooth?

5:22At dinner and I just haven't cleaned my purse out For like three months So it's still in here Ooh money We just casually went past it Nicole has a fucking tooth in her purse Bro It's been in my purse since like December I cracked my I was at dinner with Echo Kellum Who's on Grand Cru with me This NBC show that I think is really funny And people should watch And we were at dinner and Gracie who's also on the show We were talking, they were talking about something And I bit into a french fry The softest piece of food you can have I felt like And I was like and then I was chewing I was like that's hard and then as they were talking I just kind of like spit it out and I was like that's my tooth and with like I didn't stop the conversation I just put it in my bra and kept talking because I was like I don't know how do you stop the conversation be like your teeth are falling out I was like my teeth are falling out of my fucking head so then I like called my best friends this year when I got in the car I was like my teeth you're like it's in my bra yeah and then when I got home I was like oh I'll keep it safe in in like a ziploc bag so like when they ask for it to glue it back to my fucking head I'll have it but I went to the dentist nobody ever asked for it so it's just been in my purse that is messy I'm not even gonna show what's in my bag took the cake on best fucking opening purse we have a dog we have a tooth that's a great way to start a fucking podcast thank you for sharing trash you're welcome the fact I know what you're talking about though when something awkward happens yeah that conversation and you're like there's no right way to address what just happened which is my tooth is out so I'm gonna tuck that in my titties and we will address this later yeah and I only told them about it like I don't know a week and a half ago and they were like you broke your tooth that night you didn't say one word and I was like it didn't hurt it didn't hurt at all oh there he is there he's back hi Clyde um okay so you have how many podcasts do you have right now I have four how does one mentally stay sane and have four podcasts so one of the tricks is like two of them talk about something so it's like a built-in okay fair thing so like one is 90 day fiance one is me and Lauren Lapkus going through things we don't like we're doing the Marvel Cinematic Universe right now um the other one is why won't you date me where we talk about love so that's like built-in and then the other one best friends with sishir sishir zameda she's like my best friend i can't believe i just fumbled her name like that you want to try again so sure she's a madea and that's like just about friendship and shit and it's just like we just started talking and it just goes anywhere so it's like easy okay so your podcast why won't you date me yes to confirm are you single yes okay are you dating um you know i'm tired uh so i was like in the thick of it and like right after i got vaccinated i was like yes it's the roaring 20s it's not it's not people were like free and excited for like a hot second and then omicron was like hello and i was like oh we go back inside for a little i don't fucking know so now people are just like not looking for a relationship i'm looking to fuck until the next variant.

8:39When did you first realize you were great at making people laugh? I guess when I was a kid my grandmother she's she was from Barbados and instead of being like you make me laugh she'd be like oh you tickle me and I'd be like oh I want to I want her to say that again so I would like keep trying to make her laugh so she'd be like oh you tickle me so when I was a kid and then she'd be like oh Nicole's putting on a show. Did you ever like have comedy to the point where like you were getting in trouble in school or no? Oh yeah I have ADHD so like I would just be very distracted and I would finish my work very fast and I'd be like can we talk you know woman to a woman like what these kids are stupid right like they're not good at anything and my teachers would be like she doesn't pay attention and we don't know how to make her pay attention and I was like I don't know if we had learned tools about what little girls are like with ADHD we're like flighty talkative annoying no no but I get what you're saying like when you're younger you don't know how to like holster that energy and like people look at you like huh and it's like yeah learn how to teach me in the way that i have adhd help me it would have been nicer i would have had a nicer time at school i had one teacher who used to just send me out of the classroom my mother worked in the school she'd be like go find your mom and don't come back without her so then i just like roam the hallways being like where is she is she like oh he got sent out again i'm like yeah i was just tickling the people mom don't be mad at me um okay so for dating well first of all obviously your podcast is called why won't they date you have you figured out that answer yet where we are that pro oh yeah i'm a lot i'm a lot to take in i'm a lot to handle um i'm also a very specific type of person i'm black i'm fat uh i'm loud uh i'm successful that's a lot for a man to be like i accept all of it like it's like not only am i successful but i'm also like i stick out without saying anything how the fuck can i pretend to be anybody else i'm only getting older and i'm getting more tired i'm withering away truly just i'm so old so you're kind of like i don't have time for it like except you're like bye i can't like yeah if you don't like it then we gotta like go to the next i i love that energy unless that dick game good and then we could you know have a conversation say what do you want me to be a little quieter I can be quiet You shove it in my mouth and I shut up You do that?

10:58Dude Okay, that is a good compromise So you found your boundaries, essentially I'm a lot But I can reel it in If the dick proves to be worth Also, it's just like the dick has to be attached to like a nice person Yeah, yeah Oh, right They're more than a dick I didn't realize Do you have a type? I don't think I have a type but if we look at the people i've dated for more than like a week or two there's a type what kind of type a little nerdy little tall uh glasses oh i like that though like the little nerdy boys it's a trend i guess so i don't know i just can't fathom being with like a very muscly person i agree with you in the sense of like i know seeing when men have so much muscle i all my brain goes to and I know this is probably rude but I'm like what is that that's what they do with their time like do you have a job uh-huh like do you put your like physique before everything you have interest are you on steroids are you gonna hurt me do you know what is your biggest turn-on personality wise when you're dating someone I like when someone can laugh at my jokes and I like it when someone has jokes of their own and it's not like a competition I've out with dudes where like i'll say something and they'll laugh and then they'll say something and i'll laugh and i'll like build on it and then they're like i didn't want you to be funnier than me i wanted to be the funny one and i'm like oh boy is this gonna be an issue bye bye i realized for myself like i can be loud and i really it took me a long time to realize like i cannot date the loudest person in the room because sometimes i am and i don't want to be competing with myself exactly and i'm always gonna win wait are you dating someone i am are you married no how long has it been it's crazy because i've never been like a i've not had a lot of long relationships because i i've got like i'm like you like i got a lot of shit that i'm doing and i'm priority and like if they are not perfect like i can't waste my time kind of not that they have to be perfect but you know no it's just like things have to be right right it has to feel good yes and so i always went for a specific type of guy and for the first time i kind of ventured out a little bit to a man that's like successful but like a little more chill and it's working he's so supportive of my career that is like the hottest thing a guy can do for you yes right yes and not be intimidated and not be jealous and not bring up their shortcomings because it's like oh so you're proud of me but then you're gonna bring up this other thing that like is happening to you and it's like so you're not actually proud of me you're just saying it while projecting your insecurities on me and it's like i don't want that but we can both exist yeah we can both exist and you could be in a low and I could be in a high and then I could be in a low and you can be in a high and it's just a fucking rollercoaster of life.

13:48It is. What is the most ridiculous excuse someone has given you as to why they were not interested in another date and then vice versa? Let's see, the most ridiculous excuse I've gotten is... More and more is being revealed as this dog comes out. Now I'm seeing like the bow tie. Dude. He also has a purple tail. I don't know if you can see it. Clyde, I can see it all. Oh, Clyde. Yeah. He's like, okay, I'm chilling out. Yeah. He's such a good boy. Okay, excuses you did to basically not go back out with someone and someone that's given it to you. Men have been rather upfront with me where they're like, you know, I just really don't see this, like, working out.

14:33I think you're too busy or whatever. And I'm like, you know what? I am too busy. You're like back. Okay. I don't give excuses the last date I went on where I was like oh this isn't good for me I was like hey I didn't feel a spark and uh I really wish you the best and he went fine and I was like okay fine fuck you you're like I mean more or less it was definitely like a big fuck you and I was like okay I actually like that you're up front because I would rather than just be like hey it's not yeah just tell me it's not working like you're not gonna hurt my feelings there's a million other people in the world especially after like three days where i don't fucking know you it's like just be like oh uh you're not who i thought you'd be i went on a date with this dude who was like just so you know i have no idea who you are and i was like seems like you do seems like if you have to tell me you don't know me you know me then he got very very drunk and then he was like i watched an interview conan and i was like oh i thought you didn't know who i am He's like, I don't.

15:31And I was like, huh. And he was like, my roommates know who you are. Don't talk about me on your podcast. And I was like, well, now I'm going to have to. What do you think he was insinuating? I don't know who you are, Nicole. I think it was one of those things where he was like, you're successful and I'm going to make you feel bad about it. The penis truly shrivels past a micro when they do that. You're like, you're so pathetic. Yeah. I just kept blinking. And then I was like, do you want to go to my house? Like truly, he was like, I'm a literal red flag built in a factory. Who's come to life as a man.

16:09And I was like, great. Come to my house. Yeah, I just told you I basically hate you. You're like, perfect. I don't get out of here. Come on. And then I thought, though, when a guy is kind of like that. No, I was like enjoying. No, I was truly like, we've been out for a while. I've invested some time. maybe maybe the sex won't be fucking trash and might as well see it was trash also we got in my hot tub and i this is all so we get to the hot tub and the light's not working in it and i was like let's get in it anyway he was like okay and i was like what is that in the hot tub is that a bird or no i was like is that a bat i thought there was a dead bat in my hot tub and i was like that's fine palmed it threw it out and we got in hot tub and then the next morning it was definitely a dead bird you're so casual you're like let's get in the hot tub i'll do anything to get in this hot truly i was like i will get rabies as long as i get fucked and the next morning sober i was like what are you doing my friend you just took it to a whole new level where like yeah there was a dead bird i palmed it just so i could get this pussy fucked yeah and it went good so it wasn't bad no it wasn't good oh it wasn't good so it was bad so you palmed a bird for bad sex yeah regrets you know when you phrase it like that wow wow damn nicole you really did some nasty for not great nasty okay that's um thank you for sharing that story that's actually quite are you currently on dating apps okay what are your thoughts on the dating apps right now

17:50they're not good can you not be so loud Clyde's like Clyde this is a podcast Clyde's like we're getting into the dating apps I've seen my mom on those things they're awful they're bad it's like nice that you can connect with people that you wouldn't normally connect with but like everyone's really poorly behaved I don't like them I hate Bumble especially Tinder's like fine. Hinge I've had the most success on. Raya is for Australian DJs and very pretty people. Coffee Meets Bagels, literally insane. You have to like get beans to then spend it on bagels and people are bagels. It's like a game and it doesn't make sense.

18:35OkCupid's full of fucking weirdos. I was rejected from eHarmony. Wait, why? They said I was part of the 2 % of unmatchable people. It's a long little fucking quiz they give you. interview I don't know but they kept asking if I like liked horses they asked it like in three different iterations so I just answered differently when they repeat questions and I guess that makes you a sociopath dude you're like stop trying to force horses on me you fucking wow it was so bizarre I'm surprised you said you like tinder I like tinder I didn't like dick pics no I'm just kidding I mean if you want to send me your dick I like to see what I'm working with first no I I think I like Tinder because people are more upfront on Tinder.

19:16They're like, oh, I'm not looking for anything. I'm looking for, you know, a hookup. Or they're like, I'm ethically non-monogamous and I have a partner and I'm just looking to fuck. And I'm like, no offense, but like the ugliest people are non-monogamous. And I'm like, you look like a sad clown with your weird brillo pad looking hair. And then you're like strange looking partner. And it's like, why do you get to fuck so much? This isn't fair. okay if you have to marry fuck kill yes tinder hinge bumble married marry hinge fuck tinder kill bumble i just want to get fucked i just want to be deep dicked so well that like i like getting fucked stupid do you know what i mean yeah like you want to just be like what the fuck just yeah like who am i where am i do you tell people that not obviously you're not saying on the dating up like hey I want to get ticked down you ready but do you what do you say if people are like do you're never like what are you looking for are you saying that no so my hard fast rule is like I'm not trying to get to know you over texting yeah that's weird you might text really great or you might be really bad at texting so I'm like two interactions three interactions and like ask me out if you're not asking me out I'm moving along you got to get off the app I feel like as fast as possible like I agree vibe if you're down but then like get the fuck off the app yes have Have you ever had someone that's a super good texter and you meet in person and you're like, whoa?

20:43Yes. There was this one guy who he kind of looked like a gnome. Like he had walked off someone's lawn into the bar. He like was wearing these suspenders. He was little. And I love a short king. Don't get me wrong. And he was like very cute, round in the face. I'm round in the face. I was like, this is great. And he was such a good texter. but then in person it was like really hard to talk to him yeah he was like very very boring and on that day he had gone to the bathroom and I went to the bar to get more drinks and the bartender was like how is your night going and I said awful I'm on an awful date and he went that's good and then he went wait what I repeated it he laughed really hard he was like nobody's ever that honest and then he kept bringing drinks over and the guy was like oh do you know the bartender I was like yeah as my best fucking friend you know wow so the gnome and you didn't work out no he had to go back to the garden what is your best piece of dating advice don't dim your light for anybody Don't like be smaller than you are just because you're like scared of outshining somebody because whoever likes you for you is for you.

22:07And if they like this thing you've made up, that's a really hard thing to keep up. Exhausting. You're going to just be so tired. Dude, I used to do kind of that when I was younger. Like I was like a chameleon. I was like, I can tell what this person wants and I'm going to give it to them. And you're also immature and you're just trying to like connect. but god damn I'd be on date five and be like do you want to go to that EDM concert and I'm like fuck I forgot I lied that I like EDM I don't know what fucking EDM or whatever you call it and you get so deep in that lie that then you aren't yourself and then you have to end it even though you're like I probably would have liked him if I was myself yeah because there's one thing being like I love EDM oh my god just like lasers I don't I also don't know EDM don't I think at concerts maybe there's lasers I don't know I don't know either but like it's another thing to be like I don't know EDM but I'm happy to like share that with you if you want to take me and teach me health and wellness right I mean this is a lot of fucking therapy that I've gone through we're going we're slowly going downhill the liquor's hitting we're like it's just so hard when you're lying about yourself to yourself and then also your partner and things just get dark anyways do you have light guidelines of how long you tell yourself you will wait to fuck someone or hook up emphasis on the light guideline and what you tell yourself i like to fuck on that first date get it in there i mean kind of because then it's like okay we had a good first date and then we wait and then we wait and then we wait and then like what if it's bad and i mean for some people sex is not important and that's like good for you but it's important to me and i mean i waited once six whole dates six whole days no never no six whole dates which was like i guess two weeks because we were like pretty fast and furious and then like it was bad it's like we just really had no chemistry even kissing and like that i was like oh no i've wasted six dates six whole dates i'm also still single so like i'm so single you're like so everything i'm saying you're the opposite just in case yeah truly someone's taking notes they're like okay so wait for six weeks no but i think it's good too because like you've clearly you've such a formula for yourself like you know it fucking works everyone's got their preference and i think that it's good to hear from you though like ladies if you're fucking listening get out there and fuck yeah and i also think there's like no hard rules it's like whatever fucking works for you works for you it might not work for somebody else also relationships are hard i feel like sometimes people are like they're so easy and I'm like lies lies it's friendships are hard it's hard to have like to like keep up with friendships sometimes so like someone that you're who is your friend because whoever you date should be your friend and then you're gonna add sex on top of that and then expectations because they're more than a friend like that's hard and yes and boundaries and being like I want this from you I don't want like relationships I think are really hard they're so hard and that's such a good topic just of like how underrated and I always feel bad like I have girls write into me always like yo like I'm feeling like fucking shit because like all my friends are in relationships and I'm single and like I can't help but like obviously I'm happy for them but I'm having a little hard time being fully happy because I'm like fuck you guys but it's like when everyone goes through the single phase and you fucking feel it when you're in that single phase and it's like it's it's no one talks about like you should be at times fucking depressed when you're dating because it's like it can make you feel like shit about yourself soul sucking and not in the good way not in the good way but i'm sure it makes for good content sometimes some i have literally um like been driving to a date and like looked at the heavens and been like i don't want a story i just want to meet someone nice and then he'll be like i drove a scooter here and scoot away from me and i'm like well okay that's my next stand-up so i gotta go all right you know i can't have anything nice dude that's actually so fucking sad i felt that in the beginning of caller daddy some of these dates i'd be like man you know the first like 20 episodes of caller daddy i was like i'm popping off with this content and then i was like it would be cool to have just like one good one yeah you know just one nice date where the person was like fucking normal and you're like well that's not in the cards for me then the gnome and the scooter showed up and that what's fucking shit what is your vocal level in the bedroom and what do you like from a partner i don't think i'm like loud loud loud but i like to be like i'm enjoying myself if it's dead ass silent and it's just like i'm like oh no right are we all concentrating hard and it's not it's not that difficult it's not yeah i like to let my partner know that like i'm enjoying myself i like when i like when a guy moans if a guy moans and is like fuck yes i'm like i'm doing this yes yes my pussy so tight he can't help himself but make noise it makes me so happy i love a vocal guy i agree like have you ever had a guy that's so quiet and would you ever say something to try to get him yeah i'd be like do you like this what is he gonna be like i've never had anyone nod their head at me either it was like well you gotta wait till you're not facing them because they have to have an audible response give me the verbal cue because i can't if they're hitting it from behind you go you like this and he can't go he has to go yes yes yes it's nice yeah actually guys you heard it here first it's actually really really great advice nicole ignore everything else she said but this one we can go with say it while you're getting the fuck from the back yes because then whoever's back there has to say a word because otherwise they're ignoring you and it's like excuse me you back there and then if you're blowing someone if you just look up at them and go does that feel really good for you they'll either nod and if they nod they go you just go yeah how good does it feel and then they'll be like really really good and you're like keep telling me that and then you just have to coach somebody into what you like it's like you're the teacher and you got to just give them the prompts and just let them even if it's a one-word answer that's that's a start rather than silence yes and then when someone goes i like that don't stop don't you fucking dare do something do don't wiggle your hips nobody wants it nobody wants circles right i'm not a fucking holo you were pounding me that way and i liked it don't for whatever reason i feel like whenever you go don't stop they're like okay yes they get this confidence that they're like oh she likes it and they go into a different rhythm i'm like yes that's not it this is painful now the jackhammer i went on a date once with this man who had really long fingernails and there was like dirt under them and he's like should we get out of here and the only thing i could think of was like he's gonna give me tetanus when he fingers me i was like i can't go anywhere with this man so i like i can't remember what i told him but i like lied oh i think i was like i have an early flight he was like he got kind of like mad i was like i can't i didn't know how to be like you're going to make me sick in my pussy i do look at men's fingers you have to if there's jagged edges that's gonna cut you up protect there's dirt you're gonna get tetanus if they're long they might scratch you i had a dude scratch me then he went ew you got your period and i was like one you said ew two you did this you injured you injured me carving hyalagrifics in your fucking pussy and you're like you need to reel it in damn he cut you that bad and had the audacity to blame it on mother nature.

29:46This is fucking human inflicted. You asshole. It was rude. Wow. Okay. Is there anything specific that you will not do in the bedroom?

30:00Oh, I mean like extreme stuff. Like you can't shit on me. Also, no pee pee. It just doesn't seem nice. Like you just wait there for it. Would you do it to them? I mean, yeah. If someone was like, can you pee on me? I'd be like, well, we have to get in the shower. I'm not like on my bed. Yeah, I'd sit on his bed. In his bed. And you're not sleeping over. I'm not sleeping over. Let her rip. No, because I feel like men don't do their sheets often enough. And I feel like the next time I come over, I'd be like, is that the pee stain from two days ago? Okay, but that's good. So you won't let someone pee on you.

30:37No shitting on you. No, thank you. I think that's good. It seems, I mean, not to not to yuck someone's yum. What an awful phrase. Not to like kink shame. There we go. Yeah. That's not for me. OK. I think that's very fair. OK. Wait, what wouldn't you do in the bedroom? I think I went to an extreme and I can't. I'm like trying to think of something normal. No, no, you're like, did I take it too far? No, I would not like those things like a gag in my mouth. Oh. I can't. If it's a penis, that's fine. But an actual like thing that's like literally asphyxiating me. Like I don't like not being able to properly breathe.

31:13So I think that's my line, but I'm like pretty open. I'm trying to think it's a hard, it is like a hard question that I asked and I don't even know my own answer. So what does that say about me? I'm trying to think, I think you could gag me. Cause then I'd be like, Hmm, peace. I can't talk. Right. So I'll just think. Honestly, that's kind of good too. Cause if you have a mute partner, you can be like today, it's your time to shine, baby. I'm gonna be mute. you do your thing whatever you want would you be down to have your partner like like a cuckolding situation would you watch them fuck another person in front of you or would that make you i think i would get upset because i'm like hey you've never done that with me yeah i think i would just like really bring it back to myself you're just like in the corner like like like sad emoji eyes like yeah fair would you have a threesome yeah i would have a threesome I think that sounds like a nice time.

32:08Although, like, I do think a foursome would be nicer because I think when three people get together, there's always one who's like, A little. When do I tag in? Um, excuse me? I think there's a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte has a threesome with the dude she's dating and then they just hook up and she's, like, trying to get in and then she's like, okay, I guess I'll just go. I think I know what you're talking about. And you're literally like, put me in, coach. Yeah, put me in, coach. I'm ready. I studied. I studied. I don't know. I studied. I watched all the porn this morning. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and no one wants me to do it yeah that's actually fair like you can kind of you could be the odd man now and if there's four the other two people are gonna be like we might as well do something because they're fucking you know I actually agree okay I want what's your take on I'm gonna just randomly rattle off topics and just give me what comes to your head when you think of it gym selfies gym selfies I mean does anyone know you went to the gym if you don't take a selfie it's like the tree falling in the woods I used to like tweet about going to the gym just to be like I went is everyone proud of me I was there I did it I did it I talked about like missing personal training today just so you know like I do move sometimes that's the first thing that came out of my house because I needed you to know where I'm at in my personal journey what about ketamine ketamine special k fun k-hole sometimes you get in a k-hole and you in a corner and then your friends are like are you okay and you're like am i time of my life um unsolicited nudes hey no we gotta ask before we send naked pictures of ourselves to people not everybody wants it but also sometimes it is funny when you get like a weird looking dick and you're like oh you why are you so confident yeah like it almost makes you see them in a different light good or bad it's good to just get that out of the way yeah i once got a dick pic he was like in a I think a custodial closet so there was like a mop next to it and I was like is this here for like what like a size reference like what is why is there a mop in the background of this I think I've like seen a picture of a guy like holding something like near oh my god like a remote next to his dick or like a coke can to be like look how big this is but it's like you spent time with your dick out in your hand comparing it to things the thought of a guy doing that like makes me like like them less i don't know why that makes me cringe for them if they're like wait let me find something like small but big enough very funny to think about it is photos of men holding fish that they caught you know i feel like a lot of people have issues with it but i'm like you're telling me up front that you like fishing i've never been fishing i don't plan on going fishing so like i think this is great you know you do you i probably won't go out with you It's great.

34:52It gives you the contextual clues that this may not be the one. Yes. That's actually really great. 69ing. 69ing? I think, I don't know. Sometimes I think it's more work than you need to be doing. Because it's like, okay, so it's like, I'm eating my penicillin, I'm a sucky dick, and it's just at the same time. But it's like, why are we trying to shorten it by killing two birds with one stone? Yeah, like, let's just elongate. Yeah. And then there's something to just like writing someone's face and not having to do any work. That. Amen. Shower sex. I've never because it scares me. Because what if we slip?

35:31What if we fall? The phone's not near. Are we just going to bleed out and die with shards of glass around us? I did ask my friends this year. I was like, if I do end up having shower sex, can I have you on the phone? I'll mute you for a minute. Mute me. Whatever you want. but like just like well i guess she can't oh yeah because she'd have to be listening i guess it'd be quieter than normal but she'd have to listen to like the scream the scream the glass breaking i'm like really afraid of it like imagine just like getting wrapped up in a shower curtain and rolling right out of the tub and you hit your head also what a bad way to go because then they find you and you're exposed and it's just not cute i don't know i think it's pretty funny it's a funny way to die for yourself but maybe for other people to find you they're like Like, oh, God, I don't want to see her like this at the end.

36:19You know, it's a little like, oh, it's not great for all parties involved. What about monogamy? I'm for monogamy. I think there's something to be in a relationship with someone and then like fucking working through problems and like, I don't know, being together and like that's your ride or die and you love them. I love that. I think that's cute and hot. I agree. Like it is a really cool bond that you only have a few times in your life. I agree. Yeah. Keeping possessions gifted by an ex Yeah you gave it to me So why wouldn't I keep it You said here that's for you I unwrapped it that's mine You're gonna take it back Go fuck yourself What if you have a new partner Would you still keep possessions from your ex Are you yes Like what okay what is this person giving me Jewelry Yes it's jewelry I'm wearing it It meant something when they gave it to me And it's like a memory but like I'm with somebody new So just like understand that I had a life before you and I'll have a life after you.

37:20Okay. Never have I ever. Okay. Every time you've done it, drink. So confused with never have I. I drink when I've done it or when I've not done it. You've done something that I aim. And I haven't read these yet because my team came up with these ones. So I'm not, this is not rigged. Okay. I'm going to read these off. And if we've both done it, we drink and we tell the story with it. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm going to think too much of it. Okay. Never have I ever had a sugar daddy. no well this is like a half tip like oh tell me about this i went on seeking arrangements back when i didn't have a job i was like i gotta get that cash like but i don't want to fuck for it so i thought there's always those like something here of like the the glory stories of like oh he would just give me all this money and i just had to send him pictures of my feet and like i'm like i gotta there's gotta be one out there for me so i met this uh guy over the phone he was quite literally and this is not an exaggeration 80 years old all he wanted was companionship and he called i had like two phone conversations and i couldn't take it seriously i'm like expecting cash i'm like he's gonna fucking give me cash i lived in new york at the time he offered me a um a parking spot in this parking garage that he had a parking spot and in new york though i was broke i'm like i'm broke did you have a car i didn't have a car but you could have rented that space out you should have accepted that space gone out with him once a week rented that parking spot out and that's cash for you especially if it was in a good location jesus christ oh yeah hopefully it wasn't like midtown okay cheated on a partner never have ever no either i don't i just would i tell people my business if i cheated on someone i'd be like guess what i did oh i fucked somebody a good last night i'm really sorry yeah i can't keep a secret there peed the bed as an adult oh yes yeah me too okay yeah it's not great yeah i just got too drunk like just absolutely annihilated and woke up and was like oh no dude it's so sad too because you're like alone with your thought of like uh-huh you know when you have those dreams and in your dream you're peeing and you release that's when mine came i was like in my dream i got to pee so bad and then it happened and then you wake yourself up and there i was just soiled and were you drunk though no see that's nicer that's nice that it was a dream i was just so drunk that i blacked out and woke up and was like oh man god i feel awful about myself that's okay um fucked more than one person in 24 hours I don't know I don't know if I've paid enough attention to the time okay there was like a week where I was just like very horny and I was talking to like four different dudes on tinder and it just aligned that one of them was free at like five and then the other one was free at like 10 and I was like well might as well see this one at five and then this other one at 10 and uh the one at five he was like he when he ate me out he like kicked his feet and i could see it in the mirror like wait like like he's like his feet were hanging off the bed and he was just like kicking her and i was like oh no how do i tell him he's gotta go but then i was like i guess we'll just finish and then the guy who came later was a dj and he loved that uh purple devil emoji These were two not great people It's alright, it's alright, it's alright You knocked him out in 24 hours You saw the true colors, so which one was better?

40:50The DJ, ironically enough, was much better The DJ Okay, that is fucking incredible Filmed myself having sex

41:02Do you ever worry it will come out? No, because my face isn't in it And if it does come out everyone could go wow look at her she's good at that i don't know i hope it doesn't um slept with a co-worker oh i mean i slept with somebody who i worked at a clothing store with and then i feel like comedy is like incestuous yeah i heard that you kind of just kind of fuck everybody okay would you rather you can take a minute to think about these okay

41:53would you rather you can take a minute to think about these okay would you rather date someone who refuses to kiss you or someone who refuses to give you oral sex oh no those are both so awful oh no my god oh what do i choose this is really awful and i don't know why you've done this i know i'm stressful i'm like really stressed out i don't know what i would and it's funny because it's like this is a game this isn't like my life this isn't taking this seriously binding this is an illegal document i'm signing um I guess oral sex can go because like I do love a kiss on the lips and that's nice I agree with you like the day-to-day yeah you're doing that more oral is amazing if they're good at it yes so then maybe pick someone that's not good at so you can compromise of like oh I'm not missing out yeah there you go would you rather cry every time you orgasm or fart every time you orgasm fart really i don't want to boo who true that might turn like that might give someone a complex to be like okay so you like come but then you're like crying i don't know if it's just happiness yeah yeah but if it's just like and then it's over yeah would you rather unknowingly marry your second cousin or unknowingly marry someone who has committed murder oh okay i think i would rather marry my cousin because okay sure the genes are close but like i don't know we're too consenting adults i think maybe we've i don't know like is it really that bad i don't know uh this is gonna be like the thing people pull from this they're like she said fuck your family and i'm like no i didn't say that i just don't want to marry a murderer right like it's they don't hear the other side of it and you're like i think that you can marry your cousin yeah she's Fucking sick, dude.

43:50Okay, so to confirm, you would rather that over a murderer? Yeah, I don't want to marry a murderer. Fair. Would you rather be dumped on Valentine's Day or find out you had chlamydia? Oh, I think I'd rather find out I had chlamydia because, you know, the drugstore is still open on Valentine's Day and we could clean that right up. I agree. You pop the pill. I've had it. It'll be all over you. A lot of people have had it. We need to normalize getting an STI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Also, when did they rebrand? I just found out it's STI and not STD. Gonorrhea was like, we need to change our image.

44:23Not a disease. We're an infection, baby. They're literally rebranding. Who rebranded it? I don't know. The Doctors of America? Is that a thing? I guess it's supposed to make us maybe feel better. I think it, yeah, because it's like, it's not a disease. It's an infection. It can go away. It can go away. Some of them. Yeah. Okay. Okay. would you rather never be able to watch porn again or never be able to use a vibrator while masturbating oh watching porn yeah i love a vibrator oh we a hitachi magic wand a theragun wait you've used a theragun on your pussy hell yeah dude sometimes you get so lonely that you're like i need to be hurt i fucking love a theragun you put it on the lowest setting though because if you do the highest setting like just like you're straight out the gate it yeah you might fucking pound your clit to outer space but like i i do like a theragun the little one not the big one because i have the big one and i'm like would that like cramp my hand no i use that one too but like oh you're like no because i have done that you just like kind of turn it and it's yeah it's great i really like and then you have to wash it before you use it on your back or someone else's back next time oh absolutely wow i never thought insane if you're like this is not my pussy yeah here you go for your back and your neck problems yeah damn a theragun okay but also you know you have to wash all yours oh of course of course i'm just saying like some yeah yeah okay okay i'm all right now my my trending is gonna be alex doesn't watch her sex toys we're just fully incriminating ourselves here today oopsies have you ever used an electric toothbrush on the back of it no desperate times and i will say uh not bad really i don't know if it's got enough juice for me it doesn't have enough juice but it um when you're i've been in hotels where i forgot and you're just like i don't want to do this with my hand fair and then but then the next morning when i go to brush my teeth i obviously go get a new toothbrush unless you're into that you know i mean i mean during sex you probably taste yourself anyway so But you're using the back end You're not using the bristles Because sometimes you're moving around a little bit Oh sure sure sure Would you rather Only be able to have missionary sex For the rest of your life Or Only be able to be fingered For the rest of your life I feel like that's easy It depends on the penis And it depends on the hand Fair Big meaty fingies That's nice That's true Big meaty dick That's nice Meaty dick tiny fingies I take the dick Yeah You have to look at the logistics that's actually a really interesting point because i know some guys that are so good at fingering and not as good at the dick game yeah is that weird when when i've had a guy that was so good at fingering and i was like this sex is going to be fire and then we had sex and i was like go back to fingering me that was awful and like guys that can finger i think it's so hot uh-huh but i don't think i would take it over sex I think it really depends Yeah you're right You're right Let's leave it at that Okay Questions from my listeners We call them the daddy gang Okay If you want to say hey daddy gang Hey daddy gang Woo Okay This girl wrote in and said I have a crush on my gym trainer Okay I feel like he has a crush back But I don't know for sure We text all day and night Oh Is there a way I can figure out If he's feeling me too without coming out and saying it.

47:54Do I have to make the first move since it's his business? Yeah, I do think you have to make the first move since it is his business. Because then he's like a little creepy. And why are you actually training? Is it to pick up women? And it will change your relationship. And it will not be the same. But I do think there's something to just being like, let me just shoot my shot. Are you single? And do you want to go out to dinner? And he's like, oh, oh, I thought we were just friends. Are you like, oh, my bad. And then get a new trainer. Yeah. And change gyms. Yeah. That's the only thing that does suck.

48:25And move to a different state. Yes, move. Get a new car. Who's your family? You don't know. Okay, next. How fucked up is it to hook up with your stepbrother if your parents got married when you were both already in your 20s? I mean, again, you're not related. Right. You're going to go viral. Like, all of a sudden, everyone's like, she's so into incest. No. Please listen to the questions. You're not related. You're too adult. Yeah. love is love baby love is love love is blind literally okay how do i handle my boyfriend going to the strip clubs every weekend even though he knows i hate strip clubs oh well that's disrespectful i don't think you should like police what people do but if you have voice that this makes me uncomfortable and i don't like it and he's like go fuck yourself that's not the person for you i agree you gotta get out and it's not even an ultimatum it's like oh i've asked you not to go so like i don't know if this is working out for me let's just get out of it that's a great great point okay i've been seeing an amazing guy oh congrats but his dick oh no is huge oh and the sex is too painful i really like this guy but how can i have sex without feeling like i'm going to rip in half oh sweetie so this girl was like how do i brag today how do i make other people feel bad i know i'll type up an email about this big old dick splitting me in half bitch count your blessings no i'm kidding uh they're like send them my way bitch truly send them to my my beautiful giant pussy no i think you there's like certain positions that are better for a bigger partner so it's like try those positions yeah and if none of them work that can't be we need like a little tip to the mid-action and you gotta just and also communicate if he's thrusting too hard just be like hey yeah we got do you mind not doing it so hard yeah just talk talk to him i agree talk it through talk it out because crying because this might be an actual issue for him or he's like i'm just too big for everybody i'm a giant i'm too big for this world but you've heard it here first nicole is willing to take your problem off your hand i absolutely will send my way please all of a sudden you call me like i'm no longer single not single that big dick man he's now mine okay i know you said if a guy doesn't respond to a nude that's bad but where is this going but what if he responds with a photo of himself just smiling with no words what are your thoughts i mean i know you said he doesn't respond to a nude that's bad you that's so funny that you this person inherently didn't know that right because if i sent a nude to someone and they didn't respond i would lose my mind i once sent like a like a picture of like my titty out and these like jammies i was wearing um and they wrote back ha ha ha and i was like so i jump out the window now he was like the picture's live you're making a noise so i was going but had he not said that have you just left it a ha ha ha i wouldn't be here today um but dude i'm sorry a live photo a nude photo is the scariest potential for what could have like the fact that that was the offense you're so lucky that you're like oh you're like hyping yourself up yeah can you imagine if something else is happening like she's farting she's like like so disgusting like um ladies please don't send a live viewed photo check that shit twice but if someone sent you a smiling like i would be like you gotta elaborate like yeah is this do you like it what are we doing you know what you could do you could double tap the picture and put the question mark oh that's good but honestly that might just be an indication that like that's not the person for you that's a very strange response that's a little Serial killer vibe Maybe they're trying to be cute To be like I like that nude You're not getting one from me I don't I would ask I would be like What is this?

52:38I literally could be like Ha ha ha what? Question mark Like I think you can Straight up call it out Because you just sent Something fire That deserves like At least two sentences Something Or some fire emojis Or something Yeah like Ooh that's hot Yeah Okay What is your opinion On dating someone With different political views? Is it possible to date someone like that or no should i be like can you still fuck me but also just shut the fuck up i mean i think long term it's not great i think it's like you're just gonna i think as you get older you get more involved politically and it's just like yeah do you want to continue to have these conversations where you just argue or whatever but i did fuck a trump supporter once because he lived in north hollywood and i had a drive for so long and we were in his lukewarm hot tub and he was like trump's a good businessman i was like if you shut up i will fuck you honestly he also was a big old red flag he had an iguana in his room a red light and his mattress on the floor and i still fucked him which is like not a great message to send to him you you rewarded him for his bad bad bad behavioral behavior if an iguana's in the room and he's like trump you're like that's it that is not even a red flag that is just like a no-go but you know what you just had driven yeah i mean gas prices are up so this was years ago where i was like pennies on the dollar to get gas it was like we'll pay you to take the gas and i was like oh my god i was in my car for more than 25 minutes i gotta fuck him i would have a hard time if he's wearing a make america great again hat yeah i don't know um if my pussy could even get wet but i do think i do think if it's really i agree with you if it's really early and you're like i'm not gonna fucking marry this dude whatever he's hot the dick's big let's go fair yes but to date someone because what ends up happening is you're gonna meet their parents and the families and you're gonna meet the cousin then you have to like compromise and be like i'm okay with like bigotry or like whatever said behind their closed doors and there is like a difference between being like maybe like a democrat who's conservative or republican who's like conservative who's not like super right-leaning yeah i think that's okay okay one of the last ones hello father i'm in a new relationship and things have been quite steamy lately currently what is your go-to sext god oh i don't know i've sent this to several people it's like did you have a good night did you dream about my big black pussy which is not for everybody that's not a text everybody could send you know every daddy gang member is about to send that sex and be like well nicole told us have you gotten good responses i would say 75 of the time it's been a good response i like that though because one if you fucked and you can have a sense of humor the next day instead of been like hey what did you think about last night like no like we're not doing that like it's kind of comedy while you're all you're keeping it light and you're being the one to address like you were inside me let's go I had a great time I hope you thought about it I did that too I've never dated anyone who was like super into sexy I've been on like apps with people who are like you want to come to my hotel room and do and I'm like yeah sure I'll come to your hotel room and then I guess you'll bend me over and they're like and and I'm like and you'll do it when it happens right dude yes when they're like waiting for you to reply or the worst is I've had guys quite literally write like a thesis of like and then afterwards once we do that the next also and it's like they're using quite literally like yes like they're using transition words in in the sexting and i'm like i can't read this whole thing and like get turned on and like i don't want to reply to this it's like a chore no thank you no sexting let's just fuck yes nicole this was very fun we did it we did it he is the best dog for a podcast because he literally did not move say thanks guys thanks guys oh that was so dude it's wait you know how everyone has a voice for their dog is that your voice well his voice is i'm clied and i'm oh i'm so hungry right now dude it's so scary when i've done my my dog voice and people catch you and you realize like I guess it's cuter when I'm just alone with my dog.

56:57Oh, you're psychotic when you're out in public going... It's so silly. Wow. Okay, what's next for you? What should we look for? So I'm on a show called Grand Crew. You can watch all 10 episodes on Hulu or Peacock. I have a special called Big Beautiful Weirdo that is on Netflix. Wipe Out with John Cena is on TBS. And I think HBO Max? Nailed It is on Netflix. and then I have podcasts and yeah why won't you date me best friends newcomers 90 day bae and I think that's it damn congrats thank you that's so fucking cool and I definitely am now gonna go watch that Netflix special I've heard about it I have yeah I'm going to it's fun at least I think it's fun it's fun you're fun hey you've got a great energy you've got a great attitude and you're so fun to podcast with thank you I appreciate it this was fun thank you so much for having me Thank you for coming on Caller Daddy.