Owen Thiele: Threesomes, Facetune & Ozempic

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy owen thiel welcome to call her daddy

0:17thank you let's talk about your childhood wait actually let's dive in i'm not kidding let's actually dive in okay okay first of all yeah we have to explain to everyone what the fuck is going on okay because we have been friends and then as we've been friends we decided why the fuck are we not working together and obviously Well, that's not what really happened. I think I pressured you into working with me. No, this is not true. Okay. Kind of, a little. Just admit it. Okay. Admit it for the cameras at least. Okay. That would be a lie though, because let me tell you something. I will never forget.

0:47Obviously, we've hung out and like, I'm like, he's so funny. He's so funny. He's so funny. Then we are at a party and you start talking about how you never, like, you're always on the phone. You're calling your mom at 3 a.m. And I am hysterically laughing and people are laughing at you, but I'm in the corner like. No, no one's laughing. You are laughing. Everyone else is like. Owen I need to find the video for you I start filming you at the party and I'm filming you because I'm thinking you're so funny that I'm like I need to remember this in the morning oh in my mind you're filming to send to people to be like this man seriously needs help like take him away oh no I'm like I need to show this to my company because he needs to fucking work with us you are so funny you are so talented and now you are officially launching a show on the Unwalled Network it is like full fucking circle however I couldn't remember this morning when the fuck was the first time we met

1:49when the fuck was the first time we met it was at a uh a party a a a a young hollywood party and yes and you were sitting at a table i remember this so distinctly and i walked up to you because you were sitting with a friend of mine and i walked up to you being like hi thank you pretending do you ever do that thing with like people that you're obsessed with you pretend like you don't know who they are so i was like sure hi someone's sitting here literally like okay whatever sit down next to you literally and then i was like perform i remember performing i remember performing i do remember that and i remember being like why am i at this party like i didn't know anyone like i didn't and you made me feel so comfortable well i was performing i was obsessed with you like i was literally auditioning i was auditioning for unwell and then the last time we were together we were at a party and we were playing charades together and we were so fucking bad and i was peeing my pants though with you horrible i was so bad i can't play charades because i'm okay is that the game wait what's the what's heads up heads up heads up heads up heads up so i'm playing heads up okay this is what i do in heads up and you drop the phone and then you go oops drop the phone you see the name then you pick it back up but you're like didn't see that and then you're like wait Ellen DeGeneres comes to you you're like wait bad bunny and then everyone's like yeah I always cheat I'm crying I always lie too on podcasts on podcasts especially I lie so I might are you just gonna lie here today 100 % I'm gonna lie 100 % I'm gonna lie through this whole podcast so I was on Love Island season two you might not have seen it so I just lie the whole way through.

3:17No, I do. Yeah, I cheat and I lie. My boyfriend watches this and is like. I cheat and I lie. However, you always have good lip gloss. That's so true. Right? I think the first couple times that I've ever seen you in person, I always saw you holding Rode peptide serum. And you're not even putting it on your lips. You're eating it. No. You're eating it. I squirted in my mouth. Can I be honest? That's actually how you stay thin. I'm not kidding. a little bit of road. It's delicious. It does taste good. But I'm serious. I've asked Haley. I've said, can you eat it? She goes, I think it's fine. I was like, think.

3:52I know. I was like, I'm alive. I'm standing. You look amazing today. You're not on Ozempic. I'm wearing so much. Oh, well, you know my thing about Ozempic. Let's talk about the Ozempic. Okay. So I am not on Ozempic. I just want to put that out there. I want to make a statement to everyone who cares. To all my fans. To all the people that know me. But I think a lot of people will think you are because you look so good. So just tiny. I'm wasting away. No, I am not on Ozempic, but I did purchase Ozempic. Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And so I haven't shot up because I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid.

4:28I'm like, what is Ozempic? What is this white stuff? What is this white cream, creamy liquid you're ingesting? It's like horrible. So anyways, I haven't shot up. But every time I open my fridge, I see the Ozempic. So I'm like, I think I'm on that. I can't. I'm not hungry. It's placebo effect. It's emotional Ozempic. I'm coining it. I'm coining it. Emotional Ozempic. Every morning you see it, you're like, oh, I'm skinny legend. 100%. Okay, so. I actually don't even look that thin. You're on Ozempic, which we love for you. Thank you. I remember that you posted a picture. First of all, you are doing a television series based loosely on your life.

5:03It's based on my life. It hasn't been picked up yet. So let's knock on wood. Knock on wood. Yeah. Amazon is watching this being like we need to pick that up let me just tell you something yeah I don't know exactly what it's going to be about but one of my favorite movies of all time is cheaper by the dozen and when I was scrolling through your Instagram and at the last you guys go to Owen's Instagram and it is like an Amazon picture of like potential show about to run of your life you scroll and there is a family fucking photo of your family and it is giving cheaper by the dozen through and through there are so many of you so many all white all white yeah and then there's you yeah can you explain like the feels like what is happening what is your family vibe okay so first of all my grandma and grandpa have been divorced so many times and remarried so like we have a lot of step half and like just there's a crazy family my grandma's likes my grandma gets down she's actually just passed away so i love you she would actually love that she i'm not kidding she's looking down me like i do fuck um anyways so she remarried a lot of times and we had a lot of i have a lot of aunts and uncles i have like eight aunts and uncle or nine aunts and uncles it's insane i'm sorry i'm not over your grandma can we have a moment for your grandma wait what should we do a moment of silence yeah i don't know if can i tell you something i whenever i do a moment of silence i have to talk through it through it okay like grandma let's do a little seance for grandma grandma grandma I don't know it's your grandma okay I'll start it okay nanny that's what I called her nanny you're fucking iconic you were always so nice to me and you always let me wear your lip gloss she did actually she's obsessed with it she was obsessed with me being gay it's like a thing um you fucked a lot of men and I think you were honestly fluid I think you were queer and I don't think you ever told me that but I'm just guessing so grandma I love you I love you queen queen i love you lesbian queen no i do think she's fluid really do you think any of her partners were women no a lot of her partners were gay men which makes sense right it's like and then she loved you so much it was like she felt connected oh my god wait wait she's trying to fuck me wait i just had a wait now i'm freaking out now i don't feel close to her i'm like oh my god now i know why you were touching my leg i'm sweating please are you sweating i'm not sweating yet but i will can i go down to 67 wait what is it now 69 oh my grandma my grandma's like opening her leg in there in heaven fucking 100 okay so okay so we have grandma she was fucking she was fucking was grandpa ho or no grandpa wasn't a ho grandpa was like a quiet ho do you know what i mean those are kind of the best no obviously he was hot when he was young he's gonna watch this actually he's actually you're fully objectifying your grandparents he's also 97 years old this will be his he will watch this and we will be taking him to uh yeah no we will take we will be burying him he will watch this and we will be ultimately digging a grave uh he's amazing so yeah so i have a lot of aunts and uncles but my story is that i was i was adopted at birth from houston texas shout out so beyonce's from houston texas i secretly think that tina knowles is my mom so i think that she gave me up because she was like i have two stars i have i have solange and beyonce i can't have another and that's my theory because if you look at my face it's very similar to beyonce's very similar i really see it yeah yeah yeah well no i there is something that's similar also the aura is just so similar and the voice too get us with a voice it doesn't get us with a little halo halo halo can i be honest i actually sing oh but i'm not gonna sing right now do it right now no no you piece of shit it's your moment make a wish or not like do no no my make a wish is this yeah now i don't need another thing do you know what i mean i don't need to become a pop star too you guys bring beyonce in i do have a surprise for you i have a surprise for you bring her no you're kidding oh my god your face no i actually bring in the mom tina she's my mom i i'm not kidding if i saw her i would start to cry because i'd be like i would have a what's that thing when i would have a maternal instinct oh wait she would have the maternal instinct her uterus i don't have a uterus um okay anyways so i i'm from this big white jewish family i was adopted at birth yes this these white people picked me up they were like i'll be your white saviors cut that and they and what are you in line of like how many siblings do you have zero i'm an only child the golden child wait but i have so so so many cousins i have like thousands of cousins i can't even name them i have too many but i'm the only child how crazy i think only children are freaks gonna cure cancer and i think they'll also kill your brother you You know what I mean?

9:56They're hiding bodies, and they also will do something. They'll also write, like, the next great American novel. I was about to say, like, were you as a child in your house, like, bored? Or, like, what were you up to? Because you're an only child. No, because my mom is my best friend. But it sounds like, oh, my mom's my best friend. No, no, no. Like, it's different. Like, my boyfriend broke up with me first year of college, okay? Okay. And my mom comes to New York. I went to NYU for a day because I was so emotional from this breakup. I ultimately had to drop out but my mom came to came to New York okay lived in my dorm with me for two weeks and was like just like she was like I need to be your comfort animal I need to be your spirit did you have a roommate no I oh well that's another oh okay we'll get there we're gonna go we're gonna go we're gonna start okay okay and then we're swimming okay okay so where did you grow up here here yeah how sad oh kind of love do you meet people from LA do you meet LA natives and are like I hate you okay so I remember when I lived in New York City and I had a lot of like um things online that i was trying to like look up like what is the vibe of la and a lot of people were like oh like the people that are from la are like fucking pieces of shit they're like losers whatever and i was like i don't know then i met matt my husband and i was like wait i actually shut up and i was like i actually feel like the people that are from la are way more normal because normal is uselessly but normal because in the transplants like we're all just trying hard to like be here and like fit in and everything you guys are tryhards we're the original yes i'm a fucking loser you're cool that's cool now i'm cooler by association because i'm married to a guy that's from the valley so wholesome where did matt grow up literally the valley like encino he went to campbell hall literally matt went to campbell hall bring in that fly in matt fly in matt ding ding maddie that's amazing campbell hall and um wait is oakwood young that's where my mom went to oakwood my mom went to oakwood wait are they in the same grade that's literally 50 years younger honestly he is an older man okay um can i spit a fact at you and tell me if this is right i read recently that your grandpa the hoe himself was marilyn monroe's agent yeah does that make you a nepo baby so and my grandma the one he was married to the hoe um is bless bless up was grace kelly's bridesmaid like iconic bridesmaid you're literally a nepo baby i don't i mean yeah has my grandpa helped me no maryland's been dead for 50 years that man hasn't had a job and i don't know how long i trust trust me i go to i begged you back i begged like come on i was like before i went to it was either college or start my career and i went to my grandpa and i said what are we gonna do he said college he looks at me he goes college and you're like you don't want to like you know pay for my apartment and set me up exactly get me a little okay so you're not a nepo but it's kind of fun to like pretend i think can i be honest i think i'm a nepo friend my friends happen to be very talented and famous so true so i think that by association i'm a nepo friend i'm i'm always asking them i'm knocking at the door will you put me in that right but you're kind of like a social climber i walk out i storm out i leave um yeah no i'm a social climber 100 no i no but 100 i would love to do a psa being like i think it's okay to be a social absolutely how do you get ahead in life sorry you fucking know but also i will say the people that i've technically social climbed on yeah are like the most amazing like i would love like i would choose them if they were we're joking we're joking if they were peasants we're joking and did you not they're literally like some of the most famous people in the world it's fine um okay listen to me tell me because of your big family yes how did it go introducing like a boyfriend to the family like when jared met your whole family like did he like them i had a boyfriend before Jared obviously but in high school okay and is he your second boyfriend Jared's my second boyfriend and you've been together for 10 years it'll be 10 years this year it's so scary 10 years 10 years and you guys whenever you're I see you guys like you're so in love that's so nice no it is and like 10 years at home yeah not like that we're like um I'm gonna sleep in that room tonight you're gonna sleep on the couch perfect love you kiss like this we touch hands we don't even kiss anymore and we're gay and i feel like in a gay community you're there's everyone's right uh open and having fun and and i and which i love right and i respect and and i just personally can't do um i've had one threesome in my life and i got so overwhelmed and honestly i was like i'm not even attracted to you i was looking at him like i was looking at his pores his eyebrows i was like nice nose i was like oh you can't so i left jared in the room and i went to the bathroom and did my whole skin routine so i came out with a face mask on literally looked at the guy said he come yet jared said not yet i said i'll give you guys five i left it's great came back he came he was on the bed he was like literally the guy was cuddled up on the bed i looked at jared i said he's not sleeping here jared said i was like he heard the whole conversation he was like i'll leave i'll leave i'll leave i was like no that wasn't about you that was about my dog no hold on owen re-fucking-wind mid threesomes you're where did you guys meet this guy on an app oh okay so this is the story we met him on an app okay i was on an app called field for one second but what is field field is like this like i think you're like you're exploring you're having threesomes you're you're you're into bdsm you're you're a brat tamer i just turned that i just i just uh found this out brat tamer what is a brat tamer it's like when one person's a brat in bed and one's the brat tamer oh how hot what are you well i think i'm always kind of a brat right if i'm leaving the room during a threesome i think i'm pretty much a brat you're a fucking brat you're not the tamer i think i'm a brat um if i was the tamer the who's the brat then oh my god um no so i yeah so i left during the threesome so okay no okay so you met so we met so we met on field okay okay but i only used jared's photos because i was like no i was in theater camp i was i'm i'm famous literally three minutes of a movie i go i can't be on this app but you're like i know who i am by the way jared emma chamberlain stylist got more comments being like hey love your work i put my face up no one says anything you're literally like jared you're nobody i am like i'm making no i'm massive i'm cute look me up to use us to get my connections to get in the industry exactly it's literally sitting there like if you go to his instagram it's like sabrina carpenter emma you're like jared it's me it's me they're looking for so you be the front facing okay so you put jared's also hilarious i've been pictured with emma who i love so dearly and sabrina who i love so dearly in the back and jared's next to me and everyone's like, Jared, Jared.

16:48And I'm like, I'll comment from a fake account. Owen. I'll literally try anything. You have 17 fake accounts. 100%. Oh my God, Owen looks amazing. Rat Tamer 212 says, Owen. Owen fan club. 418 goes, Owen. You run your own fan club again. Literally. Wearing those jeans again, Owen. Change your outfit, girl. No, we met this guy. Okay. Fuck. Whenever you get through a story. he really I think thought he was just meeting up with Jared which ended up being kind of what happened so good luck babe no so he met he came to the house we were talking for a second and then it just starts well it was so awkward do you drink at all I was like no so I drink of course but I didn't drink that night so I was like but I offered him and he said he was sober so I said obviously me too yeah just plain lie I was like no I'm sober for years but I lied to him about being sober fully of course and Then we sat next to him on the couch, and he was sitting in the middle, and I was looking at Jared, and Jared was looking at me.

17:50We were both like, and Jared was like, I was like, no, he thinks it's you. He thinks, he only saw your face. He now thinks, he doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't even know you guys are together. He doesn't know, yeah, exactly. He's like, who the fuck is this? You two-timed us? You brought two random freaks here? I'm like, no, I'm the boyfriend of 10 years. Anyway, so I'm sitting with this guy. Then we start making out. Do you initiate, or does it do Jared? I initiate, because I'm like, fuck it. Is Jerry going to freak out that you're telling this story? Not at all. He's like, ah, get it.

18:17We call him. He will probably freak out. Okay, perfect. Love you, Jared. But it's my story. So I start making out. Jared and him start making out. Then I'm like, okay, I'm just going to elevate this. So I straddle him. Right. Boom. Boom. We're making out. Horrible kisser. So I'm like, I'm just done. And then I back up, and I do this cute romantic thing where you look at someone's face. But I've been in a relationship for so long that I realize you shouldn't do this in a threesome. But I look at his face, and I'm like, you're so cute. Do you know what I mean? Like, so Sex and the City vibe. So Sex and the City.

18:46Meanwhile, in your head, you're like, I literally hate you and you're not cute. A hundred percent. But as I'm saying, you're so cute. I'm looking at his face and I'm like, no, he's cute. He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. I'm like, ooh. So then I'm like, Jared, take over, babe. Jared takes over. They move to the bed. We move to the bedroom. On the way to the bedroom, I peel off. No, Owen. I take a right hand turn into the bathroom. I go, I'll be right in. Peeing. Peeing. I'm so hard. I'm peeing. I'm peeing. I'm like, fuck it. I'm not going to deal with that. That's not for me. So I go, actually, I really wanted to take my skin more seriously.

19:21So I was like, and now's actually the time. So is Jared like, babe, get the fuck in here. He's just like, oh, and I actually think Jared was having the fucking time of his life, which is actually a problem, which is actually now that I'm thinking, now that I'm retelling the story, I'm like, well, Jared and I will be broken up by the time. You're like mid scrub looking in and he's like, not even wondering where you are you're like what's the fuck jared i'm actually calling it him saying all good he's not responding because he's getting mouthfucked jared's gonna have a panic and jared is gonna have a panic i'm gonna lose all my clients your clients are gonna like you even more don't worry yes it's a good thing i don't think about fuck are you kidding i was like so look at sabrina she sings about that's that me espresso that's that me espresso honey um i so oh my god would have been a really fun song to to god you like turn it up and you're uh you walk in the room you're like hey hey I go LA get up woo I'm straddling woo okay anyways anyways so you don't do the threesome no I'm like I'm done with that I don't want to do that and afterwards when you kick him out is Jared like what the fuck happened or he's just like I don't even care Jared says do you want to talk about that and I say talk about what and then he of course but he's like talk about what and I'm like yeah what and we look at each other and then he's like night and he crawls into bed we go to bed happy as a clam wake up forgot it happened and then that man then i went to i was invited to one event i've ever been invited to one event the one event i was invited to was this gorgeous event in palm springs i'm like i'm invited i'm like holy shit right so you gotta go i'm like i have to fucking go so i go obviously they invite me to palm springs one i have to drive three hours they're like it's for palm springs locals but you can come so i drive three hours i i'm sitting there and this guy goes can i take a photo of you and i go yeah and it's the guy shut the fuck up shut the fuck what do you say nothing i look at him he looks at me and we both choose to not acknowledge each other no to ignore it so i go of course you could take a picture he goes takes it and he goes i think this angle is gonna be better i go you know my angles you probably know my angle owen literally we i we ignore it and you just move the fuck on i text jared being like threesome guys here jared's like what what you're like he's like so he's like i want to come so i'm like again red flag right you're like no i'm not fucking him yeah exactly exactly he's just taking photos of me um yeah so that's him and is that the last threesome that you had that was the last threesome we had jared's angling for another and how are you feeling obviously i kind of want to do my skin routine i'm kind of bored i'm like but threesome it's like you have sex in the other room and i will be on my shit okay so jared has never jared i'm his first i'm his first of everything so I really do think I want to be the partner that's like get it out of your system yes like go and I'm so lucky that I can kind of be there while he's doing it do you know what I mean because he's not falling in love wait that's what I was going to say you don't get jealous no not at all no I used to with my ex I'm so jealous wait what changed hmm is there crying no you're like you know I'm not here no I I don't know what changed actually I think I just I'm so secure in my relationship now that I'm like I think if you fuck someone else you'll still kind of come back right like you're fine like you know that like what you have is stronger than that and you also are like able to separate the like insecurity of him moving on where you're like no no I actually want you to have fun and experience other things but I know our emotional connection will never beat that and by the way he I I think that now and then I'm like I'm he could meet somebody tomorrow and be like but i think for right now 10 years 10 years yeah 10 years so crazy are you interested in marriage or no you want to just like be in of course oh you are oh my god i want your wedding can i have your exact wedding yeah i will like literally plan i'm not kidding i got you i i i really want marriage i'm very like traditional in that way like i'm like i want to have kids i want to i want i want to get married i want to wear that white gorgeous dress on my aisle um no i I won't wear that, but you won't, you would look so cute.

23:23And like a, like a fun princess, like big, like ball gown. Okay. No, I want to, I want a wedding. Okay. Um, can we talk about your late night situation? So when Owen and I, like I was saying earlier, when we met, well, no, when we were at a party together, you were talking about how you would always call your mom at night and I was dying laughing and I thought it was the funniest thing. And so when we had some of our first meetings about like what your show was going to be about it was not even a question that like you were going to basically do a podcast at nighttime because what you're fucking nocturnal okay so first of all i i i sleep like this isn't a bit okay this is not a bit and i feel like doctors do watch this and doctors are not going to be reaching out to me being like i i think they're fans they're actually not they're actually worried about me yes um i i sleep an hour and a half to two hours a night owen like seriously three to five is when i sleep it's three to three to five in the morning three a.m.

24:19to five a.m. yeah and sometimes it's like 4 30 and i'm up and i'm like whoa i'm like up i'm like soul cycle you open girl i'm coming to you like what riding the bike i'm like no one's in there it's 4 a.m. um i i'm up like i'm really up are you tired no i don't get tired what and i don't take naps what what is wrong oh my god and you like are like so young and vibrant like what is happening i think i'm gonna age really rapidly no i think it's gonna ultimately the collagen will sink no and then the botox of course and then i'm pulling my face someone's holding my face back in idaho um so what do you do during the night while jared is sleeping oh my god i call everyone okay i'll talk to everyone also i've made i've made friends in different countries so that i could call them so one of my dear friends who's a 60 year old woman is in peru hold on she's in Peru so I'm like hey Jill she's like hey I'm like what time is it she's like 2 p.m.

25:15like whoa it's 4 a.m. wait who is Jill Jill is this random 60 year old woman who I become friends with how so her kids went to my high school and I just became friends with the mom oh it's weird I feel like you have literally so many random things like that I'm obsessed with like 60 year old women like what 60 year old women are like my like that's like my niche really that's the only people gonna listen to the podcast it's giving it's like demographic hundred percent you are pulling in a new demographic for unwell the six-year-old women fuck i'm gonna turn them on to harry josey oh my god they're gonna be loving alex earl oh my god it's six-year-old women no but i do have friends like one of my friends i i i is in paris and is she 60 no no she's just my age she's actually my age um but she lives in paris and i talked to her all night and your mother and my mom I call all night and my mom stays up because I'm up which is so unhealthy mom get help and get sleep what is a normal conversation at 3 a.m.

26:18with your mother like well we've we're so close and we talk every second of the day that it's kind of just like she's like are you in bed I'm like yeah are you and Jared's next to me by the way so you're in bed yeah Jared uses earplugs so you're so you're you're realizing I need to marry you no you're rolling calls oh well also watching tiktok i'm also by the way i'm calling places in different countries i'm i'm making i i do this thing now it's my favorite game it's my favorite game okay i will call london i'll call hotels i'll call um restaurants i'll call anywhere and be like hi i'm coming in tomorrow is there wait tell me about your menu i'm just like oh wait i'm like talk to me about that and they'll be like hi um we can't we're kind of busy right now i'm like you're slammed right 6 p.m i'm like but this is why the podcast is so genius that you are going to be able to first of all let jared fucking sleep and you're going to be able to go into your other room you have this new set you're going to sit down and you can just you can even roll calls on the podcast i will i would listen to you fucking asking what the like option for dessert is at the fucking sushi place in london 100 that's what i do that's literally what I do and my mom I think would love to sleep I think she's actually getting to the point where she's like hey at 2 30 she says to me now she's like and I'm like what she's like nothing nothing I'm like she's like okay I'm like good yeah and are your parents still together yeah is your dad in bed yeah we do the same thing and he puts on the earplugs if you cut to both of us split screen it's both of us like this zoom out both our boyfriends and husbands next to us I think I would have to divorce Matt if he was doing that oh a hundred you need to marry this man I need to marry this man what is the weirdest late night phone call that you have ever made in your life it's recent it was recent okay okay this is so weird what okay so it's not actually not that actually it is okay so i was i'm a really bad driver as everybody who knows me knows i'm i i'm very bad okay which i feel like is like a gay thing to be like a bad driver maybe not maybe be that's homophobic but i'm i'm a horrible driver okay bad so i was looking through my contacts and i found a thing that said hit and run carl so i called it in your phone you have hit and run carl carl okay and you don't remember so i do remember because he explained it to me i'm literally friends with him now we can literally call him um hit and run carl so what happened was i hit him no sorry he hit okay what happened was he hit me okay in your car car collision car collision he hits me okay i run so i so i get his number so i guess yes that's that's this is a true thing so i get his number how do you get his number out of the window he comes up to my car he goes i'm so sorry i hit you and i go no worries can we exchange numbers i had a nail appointment i had to get to it my car by the way i didn't even get out of my car i didn't get out of my car are you like i didn't see the damage but i know there's damage because my car is now actually um it's kind of horizontal at this point it was like it's now not in a lane so i'm like hmm that's weird so he he comes to my window he goes i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i go what's your name he goes carl kind of hot honestly i was kind of like carl you sure you hit me i'm like hit me again um he goes so i i hit you i need we need to exchange insurances and i go of course i go what's your number he gives me his number he walks I go get your insurance he walks back to the car I speed away my bumper I had to get to my nail appointment I had to get to Yuka so I sit down with Yuka Yuka of course you always have nice nails well I just took them off I used to have acrylics took them off you always have long nails I've never seen you with short it's my new thing hot okay anyways I was at my in my acrylic phase yeah had to go to Yuka sitting down with Yuka Yuka's like what happened today i'm like actually nothing it's been a boring day meanwhile my car's completely destroyed it's totaled in the parking lot she's looking at the car she's like nothing nothing happened so she's like good job she like actually got through brain damage during the during the collision so she she uh so then i forget about him and he's elated he's like i don't have to pay for shit he's obviously he's thrilled this this man just won the lottery he just hit well actually not because his car is totaled too.

30:36But he just hit this car. I forget about this. Right, you're good. I'm good. I forget if I, we put the bumper back on. There was still a huge dent, but I was like, fuck it. I was like, sometimes it's cute to roll up with a damaged car. Right, you're like, you're relatable. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, my car's totaled, so what? You know what I mean? You're like that cool girl from the movie. Totally. She gets out and she's like, and everyone's like, stunning. You know what I mean? Her hair is blown in the wind. For me, it's a little different. And I have like stuff in my teeth.

31:02I'm like picking it. I'm like, sorry. But you're playing the role. You're playing the role. Anyways, I, where was I? You call him? Oh, so two years later, I call him. Two years? It's been two years. Jesus Christ. I call him and I go, hi. He goes, hi. I go, so I have you on my phone. It's hit and run, Carl. So I just, I just do want to know what that was about. So I've forgotten this. And he's like. And you're just bored at night. Yes, I'm bored. and he's like I don't remember this is a random number he was like I don't have your number like is it what the oh and then I was like oh my god Carl Carl Carl and I literally went through a time warper I was like I was like oh I'm in the car again anyways I'm now realizing that this man has hit my car so now I'm on the phone asking him for money so I'm like and he goes I live in Mexico city now no no owen i live in mexico city i'm not gonna give you money for a car that was totaled two years ago i don't even have that car and i'm thinking neither do i actually i turned to my lease i'm like but it was i'm like i'm like well it's probably the damage was like two thousand dollars so if you could just pay me that he was like no he kept hanging up i kept recalling did you actually think you were gonna get the money or just fucking around i was fucking around but also at a certain point i think you actually get into it where i was like i kind of want the money now right you You know what I mean?

32:24Jared's asleep next to me. I'm like, he's snoring. I'm like, well, we're going to have to get his nose fixed. I'm like, he's going to have to get some kind of rhinoplasty. I'm like, I'm going to have to pay for this shit. That 2K will go a long way. So I love Carl. He's actually become a fast friend. Hold on. No. How did he become a fast friend? No, just during the call. He kind of laughed at a few things I said. I laughed at a few things. He said, we actually had a spark, honestly. We had a spark. He lives in Mexico City. He's straight. And I think he's like 60. another 60 year old wait wait and so do you keep in touch a little bit no but i texted him today what did you say hi and he's like owen and then you just like send the venmo request again you just keep saying no but i need i need people like this in my life like i need these random connections okay i'm like weird didn't you say i remember another part of the podcast we were like you were going to potentially then interview people because you've done this before on a live spotify thing but you were going to interview people that quote unquote hate you but they don't actually hate you so carl so carl would be a perfect person to interview and like talk this through because it makes no fucking sense or my ex-trainer who what who absolutely wait your ex-trainer like physical trainer okay so i had a physical trainer first of all i just want to say i i don't i don't know why i was paying for a trainer okay like what go to a gym owen oh okay go to a gym but if you're if you're not motivated which i'm not okay then you need to get a trainer that's like yelling at you to do the things exactly because you're not self-motivated exactly so i I had this ex-trainer.

33:51An ex-trainer. I had a trainer who we would set times during the week, and I would always cancel. Oh, yeah. Or would you have to pay a little something? So I would make up excuses. I would do this, do that. I wouldn't pay. Give me an excuse. What are your kind of excuses? Are they obvious that you're obviously not? No, they would be like, I got in a car crash. They'd be true. Yeah, but after the third time you say you're in a car crash, you're like, Owen? Well, that one actually is believable, but everything else. I'm like I would be like oh my god the craziest thing just happened I ended on I ended up on a flight to Puerto Vallarta I just I don't know where I am help send help and he'd be like what and then I would actually text a picture of me kind of going to but no I'm joking so you could you would interview someone like that yeah I would interview someone like that he he we ended he ended up cutting ties with me he was like I can't work with you anymore this is a toxic work environment he said this is really toxic and he ultimately said I can't he was like I don't want to watch you gain weight he was like you don't work out he was like like and i was going around being like i'm i don't want to say his name but let's say his name is like uh body by whatever let's say his name is rob i'm like i'm trained by rob body by rob and i was literally like getting fatter by the day because i wasn't working out and he was like body not by rob body is so not by rob so he was like this is really toxic and owen so yeah so i would interview him do you have any like teachers that you like that like wouldn't hated you but what were you like in school can we talk about you in school i was i was like i was a goody two shoes in school but you were yeah but i also said what i wanted to say so i had a french teacher who really well i thought it was amazing at french because i really can get it the accent oui oui so i'm really bad at french to be clear okay but i thought it was good because i would be like monsieur d 'accord oui that's good D 'accord.

35:40D 'accord. It's hot. Oui. Merci. So all I knew about it, the only thing I knew to say was, d 'accord, monsieur. What does that mean? Okay, mister. Oh, you're so annoying. My teacher was a woman. So she pulled me aside one day and she goes, it's madame. Madame. And I said, in 2016, I said, we're all, come on, gender. I go, another boomer dealing with gender. I was like, come on. Come on, you're they, them. What are you? she was like a woman please madame I was like it's not even a hard word I was I couldn't say it all I could say is that good monsieur so it also kind of sounds better it sounds hot but I would literally write that in my tests also like I was I in front I was horrible French student but I would I would I would get out of tests by and I'm not gonna do it so don't ask me but I used to do a Shakira impersonation how do you come on Call Her Daddy and say that you used to do a Shakira impression i can't do it anymore i've lost it i've lost it they're not wanting to i'm here and i'm starting to have your hair go i can't do it go i actually i won't look go no no i i'm not kidding i actually can't do it why i've lost it's something in my it's something in you it's something in me can you do any impressions like any of them come on no but you do a really good jennifer coolidge i like her a lot so i just want she's amazing she's been on the pod no i want her let's to manifest it right now okay why won't she come on i actually just i guess i have a text she's coming on the pot and so beyonce's mom is coming over wait tina knolls okay so you don't have any impressions i don't have any okay talk about when did you know you liked boys i'm oh i'm sorry i meant i meant i meant when did you what excuse me i think um would anybody watch this and think i'm straight that's for you guys yeah yeah tune in comment below um i'm gay what's the question when did you know you liked boys oh zach efron high school musical high school musical and what's funny is that i i looked at this man who obviously was so attractive right but i liked his soul i literally liked his soul i go a man who sings and wants to treat gabriella nice i go that's what i want literally good he could have been the ugliest toad and i would have been like his soul is fucking sweet his soul his soul yeah did you have a crush in school and like were you someone that if you had a crush in school when you were younger like would you be up front about it or were you shy up front oh immediately the crush came i go i have a crush on you no you're that i have a crush on you and then they'd be like what i'd be like yeah i just i think i'm falling in love with you as we speak when was your first kiss um I kissed a girl first okay how was it I think she would say it was horrible and I would say like actually amazing was it a kiss or a make out it was a make out and how did you were like you were like no shout out what's her name Eden Eden Eden what a fucking fabulous LA name Eden Eden Hankin I was in love with her I was in it was eighth grade I was madly in love with her she was a dancer and I was like I would look at her and be like I want to dance like you I was like how do you do that again do the split iconic me so gay I was like that's hot everyone's like that's so hot she's so flexible I was like yeah it's really hot she can put her head behind her she can put her feet behind her head I'm like wow so hot I want to be able to do that literally I was like me tomorrow I'll learn um she is so nice I haven't seen her in years though.

39:14We love you. We love you. Thank you for putting up with Ellen. We do love you. Okay. And then when was your first boy kiss? A man named Miles Jordan. What? I know. Wait, isn't that a basketball name? Isn't that a basketball player? Michael Jordan. Let's cut that. Hey guys, let's cut that. Hey, everyone in this house. Hey, so I just want to let everyone know that we're obviously cutting what I just said. Um, not the most famous, the most famous basketball player. Even if you don't know basketball, 100%. You know that. Miles Jordan is a good name though. Hot. Hot. So he, we made out and I was like, I didn't know what I was doing.

39:51Right. So I was like, where are you going to, I was like, are you going to stick it in? What? We're making out. Like literally making out. I think we were at like a, like a formal honestly or something. And we were making out and I was like, what, what, like when, how are you going to do it now? And he was like, what? He's like, no. He had been out for months, years maybe. he was like that's not how it works it's like totally never heard from him again obviously i then but i fell madly in love with him i was in love until i found another person to be in love and then your first boyfriend how long was that that was about two years i feel like your jaw just clenched what was that like well because that was one of those that was like you'll never forget that was my first love i'm still like different it doesn't mean that you're still in love with them it's just like um jared's like no we're really done exactly i'm like yeah exactly jared comes and breaks up with me even when i talk about my first love it's a different type of like totally whoa that was because it was your first of something and you'll always remember that and then it does get better but you'll never forget it yes exactly exactly exactly and i feel like here's the deal i'm don't we're friends yeah i don't ever see a future with this man like yeah i'm in i'm i'm with the person i love you're friends with him to this day oh well I forced him to be friends with me.

41:08Owen? Obviously. I'm like, we can't be exes. No. He's like, well, we can be exes. I'm like, okay, then we need to be friends. He's like, okay. Does he live in LA? No. He lives in New York. Okay, that's healthy. But he's in LA a lot. I actually got coffee with him two days ago. Wait, Owen! Does Jared not care? No, doesn't care at all. I, oh, so, okay. I unfollowed him on Instagram. Why? But I made, because I'm just like, I don't need to see your shit. He has a new boyfriend. Who seems lovely. Yeah. Go off. actually i don't need to see it but i made jared follow him so now they follow each other so now is he private so he's yeah exactly he was private so i made jared follow him now he follows jared back they dm they're totally fine and cordial and i'm like this is fucking weird i'm like you don't follow him jared's like no now you've made me friends with you're getting jealous of your current boyfriend talking to your ex-boyfriend 100 i'm like this is so fucking weird i'm like what are you gonna do fuck him he's like no i wasn't you asked me yeah you made me do this oh when so anyways i really how was coffee it was actually great but you're like friends yeah so you go to nyu yeah we need to go all the way back to the beginning of this episode you casually said that you went to nyu for a month a week no so i was technically enrolled for i was technically enrolled for like a year okay but i went to classes for a week and then what the fuck did two weeks maybe why what i was done i was like this i'm done now um no my parents had paid so much fucking money and i'm so disrespectful and ungrateful and i'm a cunt and and i was like i can't i'm so obsessed with them and it sounds so i people are gonna be like this is so weird but i was like i i just don't i i i need to be home i was like i need to be home because of your parents yeah and because i just like i you're done was like i was over it you were like i don't need to do that i was there for two weeks um no and my boyfriend had just broken up with me the one the first love so i think i was like emotional and i was like there was a whirlwind and all a lot of my best friends actually went to nyu with me um which was really nice but i was like no i was i i felt like carrie bradshaw where i was like everything i was like walking and i was like will he text me or is it just another day and down the rabbit you know what i mean i was literally carrie bradshaw and did he live in new york at the time or no who Your ex-boyfriend.

43:25No, he, no. He lived in Ohio. He went to Oberlin. Shout out. Shout out. So you go back to LA post-breakup. What the fuck did you do after you left school? Literally, I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I was sitting there like, what am I doing with my life? I had like so many, like, I just had midlife crises at 2020. Do you wish you had stayed in college? Of course. And so does my dad. And your grandfather. Obviously. Okay, we're going to play a game. Go. I'm going to give you a scenario and I want you to know like how you would respond.

44:07Okay.

44:15We're going to play a game. Go. I'm going to give you a scenario and I want you to know like how you would respond. Okay. You are at a sleepover. Okay. Well, now I feel like I know who we're contacting. but let's not contact nanny okay you're at a sleepover and they pull out the ouija board who are you contacting and what are you asking them wait i have a really dumb question what what's a ouija board no obviously i know that i've fucking seen the movie is that the movie the ouija ouija is that what's called ouija ouija i keep saying it like it's gonna come to me ouija um anyways there is it only dead people yeah let's just say yeah yeah for sure who am i contact just not nanny not nanny who am i contacting who's dead do you know anyone that's honest i don't know that many people that are dead who we're gonna say lucky oh shout out um i keep saying shout out so anything shout out to no one shout out to absolutely no one uh i would oh no okay oh wait okay i would contact you would contact a celebrity that's what i'm trying to like i don't you don't need to contact anyone you're so at peace with your no people on earth i'm not i need to contact this i would i contact the dead i would contact um i would contact i would contact tap william taft william h taft he's a president what's worse you wanting to contact a random president or me not knowing that that was a president wait you didn't know that can i be honest why i would contact him i was like he sounds familiar no i know i would contact no but first answer why no no i i taft because he's just iconic and he was like was he hot oh well look him up look him up tell me if he's hot what was he what is his name robert taft william h taft no i swear to god i'm not dumb why he came to my mind because i think we're talking about school i have seen this man before i would love to contact him he'd be fun talk to you have a thing for old people yeah he called my therapist after this why am i sexually attracted is he kind of hot oh he's hot there he's also that looks like a recent photo i'm not kidding wait pull that back up that i've seen that on raya that's recent that is fully recent that do you see what i'm saying like when you're that old it's usually blurry and grainy it's giving like it's giving iphone 10 it's giving pores i'm not kidding it's giving portrait mode that's gorgeous that's a gorgeous photo taft you're not dead not contacting you william okay who else would i contact no no you were about to say something else i know is this hard i don't know why this is hard for me no i don't care anymore you did a great answer taft shout out um if you were okay have you had any paranormal experiences i haven't personally no no okay if you were in a horror movie do you think you would survive till the end no first of all black people die first so i die first my love i would be the first to go um no and here's the deal this is what i would do i would reason with this i actually think about this all the time because jared is always away so i'm alone oh we're in a new paranoid always owen you don't understand that's gone we have to have sleepovers because you don't understand Please, any day.

47:30I am buying everything on the internet. I've had people install things into my house. Like, I am. Do you sleep with a pan? Oh, wait. No. Sorry. Me trying to relate. Wait. You sleep with a pan? Of course. That's actually way smarter because you get the swing curvature. I have those things from Amazon that I open all my boxes with that are like little cutters. And I have one. Wait, that's scary. Open. You sleep with a box cutter? You sleep with a box cutter? I do. No, no, no. Because I used to sleep with a knife, and then Matt was like, you won't win the fight because you don't know how to stab with a knife.

48:04But if you have a box cover, I could hit the carotid artery. Isn't a knife the same thing? Yeah, but I feel like the knife, it's easier to slip back, and it could maybe cut my whole hand open. I've thought about all of this. I've also practiced. I do, like, little Olympics in my room. On Matt? Yeah, we're into that kinky shit, you know? Yeah, totally. You're like, I'm into blood. I'm into blood play. Okay, so you have a pan. I have a pan. I sleep with – I'm obsessed with objects in my bed. I always have objects in my bed. Like what? A pan I'm obsessed with. Pepper spray. Oh. I don't sleep with a knife.

48:35Yeah, pepper spray is really fun. That's actually really smart. But also. What if they've gotten? But what do you think they're coming to do to you? Because I'm always thinking a little like fondle fondle, kidnap, rape, kill. That's the thing. I think, I don't think they would. This is so. I don't think they'd want to rape me.

48:53We need to talk to your therapist about that. You're hot. They're coming for that D. they're coming for me um no i want if you want if you want cut that um so okay so anyways i i sleep with objects because i i'm so paranoid okay so paranoid but i do think paranoid about what paranoid about somebody coming in and and and not knowing i'm there like my fear is that they're not gonna know i'm there they're gonna try to rob the place by the way we have nothing at the house so like it would you'd be robbing you'd be taking me i'm the most valuable piece literally am i am Am I one pan that, by the way, we clearly don't cook in the house.

49:30I was about to say. There's pans in the bed, love. So you are just thinking that they're going to kill you accidentally almost. I think they're going to kill me accidentally, and I'm so nervous about us being face to face. My fear is that they're going to be like, ha, and then I'm going to be like, ha, and then they're going to be like, ha. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to be now dead, being like, ha. I'm just with Nanny, we go. Literally. So I've thought about this so much, and I think I could reason with them. Okay. Okay. So I think what I would say to them is this. Okay. you came in for something you didn't think it was me i took my dick out no i go you came in for something i have i i'll give you whatever you want yeah you're so calm like this i'm so calm i'll give you whatever you want i'm not gonna tell i i i can't remember i lie to them i go i have face blindness when you walk away i won't be able to remember so totally fine right you're back to your liar days like you can don't worry swing this even if you're my neighbor I wouldn't tell them your secret's safe with me oh and then I'll tell them secrets that my friends have told me so then I'll be like trust me I can trust me my friend Zoe she just told me the best secret in the world and I'll actually tell you right now so you believe me so Zoe you start when they're literally like I'm leaving okay so you're like garnering that you're like getting this person to really believe that you don't give a shit and you're and you're like I promise I'll keep your secret yes so I think that's the way to do I think that's why I would survive but i think in a horror movie i would have to die first because i think i could almost die before you because i actually think okay hold on although no you you would die before me why no no because yeah i am so paranoid i would kill myself yeah i wouldn't do that because i do think i have narcissistic tendencies for sure so i would definitely be like oh yeah only child parents are obsessed with you adopted golden child do you want to hear what happened to me the other night yes oh my god scariest thing in the world why i'm sleeping in my bed is this gonna scare me no oh 3 30 a.m i'm asleep finally finally finally 30 minutes in 30 minutes hitting rem i oh my god rem is happening i'm like i'm asleep like this i'm asleep babe suddenly alarm goes off in the house nope nope nope i go no no i stand up i go no no what do you want how are you who are you don't come in here no i go if you're gonna come in here i have nothing you're like my dick is out yeah literally literally i was like but i'm naked so come in um so i nothing happens no one moves i check the alarm i'm checking i'm checking i'm checking oh you're by yourself i'm by myself oh i'd be done the door i'm watching in the alarm the ring that the door opens but no one's there but the door is locked and open i get i i start crying i have chills i have chills i'm crying i go what so then I thought someone's crawling so but then I go maybe it's a short person cut that I go someone is clearly in my house or it's a ghost but I didn't even go there I was just like someone's in my house and they have some kind of cloak that they're wearing that they are invisible to the ring cameras I go out into the I take my pan I go out I walk into the living room I call Jared I face him Jared.

52:43Jared's on set. Shout out. Shout out. Jared's on set. I go, Jared, someone's in the house. Jared goes, what? Jared, I go, someone's in the house. He goes, I have to go. I go, the last time you saw me. Yeah, yeah. The last time you saw me. I'm holding a pan like this. I look around. I go, whoever's in here, I have a pan. And then I thought, gun. Gun. I have a gun. I check every closet. Nothing. Nothing. No one was in there. No ghost. No little person. No big person. No collar. I sit in my car because I was like, I can't sit in my house. I sit in my car for two and a half hours, three hours. I look up sunrise, LA.

53:19It's like 630 AM. I'm like, so I sit in my car until then. I'm wired. I'm like, oh, wait. So scared. The next day, my mom comes over, looks around the house with me. Goes in the corner. She's like, oh, fine. We watched the ring camera again. Genuinely, the door unlocked and opened. Please, somebody who deals with ghosts, come to my house. It must. Maybe we should have an episode where we deal with that. Oh, I totally think we should. We do like a little paranormal. Totally. Like a seance. Bring Nanny in. Can you imagine? Owen, I'm not kidding you. I would probably have to move. 100%. Or you have to like, have you changed the lock or something?

53:54Or like, board up the door. No. So I've changed the lock. But I'm going to be honest. I do think that now that they've entered, they're in. They're in. Do you get what I'm saying? They're in. They're in. You're like, but maybe it's a good thing. think about yeah okay you're on a deserted island okay you have to post but i still have to post you have to post this regardless you go in memoriam you go he was so he was i promise he was funny it was gonna be a great show yeah in your dreams people are like that that guy got he's i'm canceled and dead okay keep going oh my god that would be so sad no i would speak well in your name okay you're stranded on a deserted island and you can only bring three things and one celebrity who are you bringing what are you bringing i'm bringing road okay just god you might as well die with good that makes sense yeah oh for sure that's like also it's edible so you eat it so you don't even need good food of course okay exactly road um road okay this is hard i'm bringing road i'm bringing smoked almonds yum i'm dying for them ah put them in my mouth have you ever had smoked what kind just smoke doesn't matter i think i like the sriracha ones delish so good but not as good as smoked have you had smoked i don't know no seriously i feel like i probably have no aren't they in that little tin yes yes i've had all the yum oh they're so good literally are they bad for you gobble are they good gobble gobble what are they good for you bad for you um so i haven't looked into that okay let's not we're bringing these smoked almonds we're bringing road and we're bringing a thing called yoli what the fuck i'm plugging on this podcast what is yoli not sponsored by that what is yoli it's an electrolyte drink i don't drink water okay so i don't sleep and i drink don't drink water okay owen where like how are you alive it's so bad it's i'm not and you have so much energy thanks it's it's so you're bringing a drink so i'm bringing yoli it's so delish because i figure like if you're gonna have to like drink ocean water celebrity oh fuck am i gonna bring someone to fuck this is what i'm thinking about i'm feeling like my answer would be my vibrator oh fuck oh i can use my hand oh for sure i was gonna say we could share we're not there together and also also i don't know how that oh i bring a i bring a two-in-one yeah totally and then my ipad but i would have i didn't know you could bring electronics i would obviously bring my eye my phone oh my god had i known you could bring the apple store i would have brought the apple store love that's so unfair that's like being like coogee bank like steve jobs so he could invent me anything it's like that's unfair you played the game wrong you've ruined the game i'm like my ipad but i knew i was gonna be stuck on the island so i could download love island i had 62 episodes i could get me through and then maybe my dog can i bring my dog yeah that's fair and then celebrity oh i think i would bring bill nye why you would bring bill nye no don't you think he could like get us out bill bill bill wasn't that the song that was so good that's a banger why haven't they remixed when they would bring into school the thing why haven't they remi-dj cook ag cook put it on tiktok charlie anyone bill and then it's like charlie being like bill bill bill bill bill bill oh wait we we should do that do we know any djs i met one in peru no i'm joking yeah seven year old woman in peru yeah exactly um okay who are you bringing i just thought bill could kind of like get us get us through it get us i think i would bring my best friend who happens to be a celebrity i think i'd bring emma chamberlain because she's such a comfort for me i was supposed to say yes and then i was like wait oh she would just talk you through it she would just talk me through and she's like emma's not getting you off the island no but she's like yes she's like comforting and she's like she has great style and she just like is hot and fun to talk to yeah now i changed mine why would i say that i want taylor swift to just sing to me till we die i want taylor swift imagine she somehow is like no i'm taking you left your top rider in my apartment straight from the torture wait that's a great album oh i think everyone slept on it for a second because they were nervous if this happens with every taylor album you're like can you beat the next can you beat the last like how do you beat 1989 how do you beat that and then it just but she's always she's my favorite She's always one-upping herself, and it's so funny because you don't think she can.

58:20Because I also— You don't think she can. Here's the thing. When I was growing up, I was the biggest Taylor fan. I had the most embarrassing music video of me doing Love Story, and I'm in this awful dress from my cotillion, and I'm walking around Bucks County Community College, and I'm like, it's a love story, baby. And then my poor friend Kristen is under a tree being the acoustic person. I made her always look like boys because we needed a boy. I totally get it. I did that with everyone. And so we have this awful thing. And so in my mind, I'm like, there's nothing that can be like Fearless or Love Story or our song.

58:50Nothing. And then she tops it. And then she tops it. And then she tops it. And then she tops it. She always tops it. And then you get to Tortured Poets Department and everyone was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. So what did you think of Midnight's? I loved Midnight's. But I will say I think Tortured Poets Department is one of my favorite. And I - Is it better than Midnight's? No. Come on. Okay. This is my problem. And I was actually listening. Have you listened to Gracie Abrams' new album, which I'm so obsessed with? And I'm not even heartbroken. Let me just explain this to you. I love that girl as a person.

59:18I think she's an amazing human being. And I also think her music is amazing. Hello. I have never met her. I would love to meet her one day. Introduce us. Get her in here. Fly on in. She's here. I brought her for you. Gracie, listen to me. I am not heartbroken. I'm married and happy and in love right now. I cannot stop playing that. I cannot. I am. Wait, which one? Well, how do I? How do I begin? So I went through this whole thing where, first of all, obviously, I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. You were the best and you were the worst. I love you first. I'm obsessed. So good. But all of them are so good.