Parenting Your Parents

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1:53and so I'm really excited to have this space today because there is something that my friends and I have been talking about a lot lately that I wanted to just kind of like open up and share with you guys because I'm assuming it is applicable to all of your lives as well. So I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine night and one of my close friends had just gotten back from a week-long vacation with her family. So we were excited to hear her stories and have her just tell us all about it. But instead of, you know, coming back relaxed, beautiful, well rested, excited to share the details, she was so absolutely exhausted.

2:38And as she started telling us about what happened and why she was emotionally drained from the trip, all of us just began like aggressively nodding along to her story being like, absolutely Yep, we understand. We have been there. We understand. We've all gone through this. So basically, my friend on this vacation had gone through her first experience of having to be the parent to her own parents. And listen, back when you were a kid traveling with your parents, obviously your brain could probably just go on to autopilot, right? Maybe your dad had the boarding passes. Your mom had all of the snacks planned.

3:21It was just you and your Harry Potter book against the world. And you didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. You could literally go through the airport blindfolded and you would get there. You would get there. You don't even know how you got there, but you got there because your parents led you there. But now maybe you get to the airport and your dad can't understand how the self-service baggage tagging ticket situation works, right? So then you end up taking over. It's all right, dad, I got this one. And then your mom can't figure out how to download the airplane app on her phone. So you're like, no, no, no, I got it.

3:54Don't worry, mom. Like we got it. And then maybe you land, right? You're in a new city and the process of finding the Uber pickup location is basically impossible for them. So then you're like, don't worry, guys, I will lead you to the promised land. I got this. And then from there, figuring out the hotel logistics or the car rental or the dinner reservations or the trip itinerary like it basically just starts to fall all on you because you're just quicker and more capable than your parents so now you're on this vacation looking around of like what is going on and maybe you're starting to think to yourself how the fuck did my parents ever do all of this on their own like not only that how did they do this all when they also had young children to navigate like how am I alive how am I breathing to this day and I don't want to sound dramatic but like I get like technology at the airport and on trips I understand it has changed a lot and it can be super confusing and overwhelming for anyone but my friends and I came to the conclusion that it's not really about that because like at some point there was a different form of technology at the airport that they also had to figure out right like it's about the fact that now in certain settings our parents they just fully rely on us and it's not the other way around anymore

5:34Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. So sports are usually math territory, but when it comes to soccer, you guys know, you know what? I'm all over it. So safe to say I am very excited for the FIFA World Cup coming to L.A. The last time I went to a global sporting event was during the Olympics. And honestly, the trip became so much more than just going to different games in Paris. I just remember Matt and I ended up booking the cutest apartment one weekend on Airbnb to explore different parts of France. One night after dinner, instead of I remember rushing home, we stopped into this tiny little local bar, ended up sitting next to a couple from, I think they were from Madrid.

6:15And we just started talking and somehow found out that they also worked together and they had golden doodles. And we were like, oh, my God, this is meant to be. And then when Matt and I got back to the apartment that night, we opened a bottle of wine, sat on the balcony, talking for hours about all of the random moments that somehow end up becoming the best part of traveling. It was one of those trips where you come home and you just feel like you actually lived in a space instead of just visiting it. And that is what I love so much about Airbnb. During the FIFA World Cup, people from all corners of the world come together.

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8:07You can even choose a convenient drop off. No matter your style, Depop is where people with all kinds of tastes come to sell and shop. Download the Depop app now and start listing today. Look, when we're kids, our parents exist in this larger than life role in our lives, right? They're the people who just like know how to fix everything. They know where we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to be there and they calm us down when we're upset and they make our big wins and our big moments feel really special and they're they're just like essentially the ones holding up the entire structure of our lives right they keep everything together and because of that and because that dynamic is so like just natural and almost unspoken, I guess, growing up, I don't think we ever stop to consider the fact that our parents are not actually these static, ever solid figures.

9:11Like, it's a crazy concept. I know, guys. But like, our parents are human beings. They are changing, evolving, aging, learning new things or struggling through other things, right? Like all while we are focusing on our own growth. And I think like this concept, when I say that, it can be slightly uncomfortable, at least for me to think about my parents as being these like deeply complex people and like constantly moving forward in their own lives. Cause in my head, like, I'm like, no, no, no. They're just mom and dad. Like they've just been mom and dad. And it's like, no, like they are, they were, they were babies at one point.

9:53They were children at one point. They got fucked up from their parents at some point too. They went to, whether it was high school or college and fell in love multiple times. Like they've lived the same similar lives or different lives than us, but they've done all the feelings and things that we've done. And I think it's hard to engage with the thoughts of like, oh my God, my parents inevitably are not just my parents. They're also individuals who aren't gonna be here forever. They may not be here one day. And so as my friend was talking, I actually could just totally to relate to like what she was going through with her parents because I had actually really struggled through a very similar situation with my own.

10:36This happened a couple years back and I think I kind of podcasted about this a little bit at one point. But over Christmas, I was like really looking forward to the time off with my family and getting a break from life. and I was also just very used to the holidays just being handled by my parents which was something I appreciated more and more as my adult life got busier, right? I would, whether it was I come home from college or whether I came back from the city, like I would just go home and they'd have the tree decorated. They'd have all of my childhood things in the room. I'm like, oh my God, they kept everything.

11:08The meals are prepared. They have the gifts wrapped. Like it was all just ready. And so my siblings and I could just pop in and enjoy the holidays. And it was like a prerequisite. Like you're like, of course my parents will have all this ready. But that year we decided we weren't gonna go home to Pennsylvania for Christmas. And somehow that turned into all of the holiday planning like kind of falling on me. And now also in hindsight again, like did it fall on me or did I put it on myself? Because I felt like they weren't like in the same headspace anymore to put it together. I don't know. But I was the one finding us a house, finding our flights, booking our cars, planning the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule.

11:47And while I was capable, of course, of handling it, I was also extremely overwhelmed. And I felt like not once during that holiday was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy the time with my parents the way that I used to. And it really ended up getting to me. And I started thinking back to how when I was a kid, I maybe took for granted the way that my parents had just had everything handled. And yeah, I guess that's what parents are supposed to do. But like, whether it was from soccer practice to homework to school lunches to scheduling I always had this layer of stability beneath me where I didn't have to think about everything all at once because there was someone who loved me that was just taking care of it and that is I just also want to acknowledge like of course that is not the case for everyone so I do want to just super quick like disclaimer here that I can only speak obviously from my relationship with my parents and what I was able to experience growing up.

12:49I'm so fortunate that I had the experience I did. If you grew up with an unstable family dynamic or abuse or trauma, a lot of what I'm unpacking today may not relate to you in the same way, which I completely understand. But I do want to use today to talk about how foundationally destabilizing it can be to realize that your parents now need you more than you need them is basically what I'm trying to say. Like what the fuck? For me confronting that over, I remember that Christmas holiday specifically, it felt like I was going through this massive identity shift because I wanted my parents to still be my parents and I also knew I was probably the more capable one and I didn't know how I felt about it and I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it so then I just started handling things and then I was like kind of resentful but then I was also like they've done this my whole life like I should step up right and I just remember on that trip I became really hyper fixated on the way everything was changing like change was so uncomfortable right like you're just like what is happening your reality all of a sudden it just feels like it completely shifts and all these little moments were making me extremely emotional, which is why I then like booked a therapy appointment immediately upon returning home because I was like, I need to tell my therapist like something is changing and I need help.

14:08But it was one of the most existential therapy sessions I think I've had for like a really long time because for better or for worse, my therapist told me that I was not catastrophizing any of this. She was like, from birth to death, our lives as humans revolve around dependence, independence and interdependence. When we're born, we're completely dependent on our parents for regulation, safety, and structure. Their job is essentially to just help us grow into independence while still maintaining our familial connection, right? So if we have a secure attachment to our parents, then we naturally internalize the feeling that something solid exists above us.

14:48And that solidity becomes just like a part of your nervous system. You don't even question it. It's just been there since a very young age, right? And so then when aging begins to slowly chip away at this stability, it's actually an indication that a foundational shift is happening. The relationship is now interdependent on a much deeper level. I was like, okay, therapist, let me write this down because hold on, say that one more time. I'm going to really need to, I'm going to also need to tell this to the daddy gang. So I pulled my notes back up for this episode and I was like, what did she say to me again?

15:26But for me, that meant that I was now becoming the top layer of reliability in our family structure. And I was like, wait, I don't know if I want this yet. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Like, how did this happen? And so if you think about it, that shift might be, it may be great in some ways, right? Like I think there is something great about stepping into a larger role in your family. It means that you are now fully capable of taking care of things. It means that my parents successfully did their job, right? I am now able to provide and protect and do all the things, but it also means a lot more responsibility was coming my way that I don't think anyone really warns you about.

16:11There's not this like literal pass of the torch. It's like, all right, sweet. Like that doesn't happen. It's just like this unsaid thing that just slowly shifts. And so you think about it and you're like, okay, you now need to be the one to make sure that they're going to their doctor appointments. And maybe it's not today, but like it's coming where like, you're going to be the one that has to be on top of their healthcare. You need to be the one to fully set up the wifi or their phones or their TVs or their iPads or like whatever devices it is that they're overwhelmed by, right? Right. You need to call them to check in on them because all of their friends, you know, maybe they moved to Florida.

16:49And so then they haven't had any human interaction in like three days. And you're like, you guys good? Like, I know some people watching, maybe you only have one parent. Right. And that person you're like constantly worried about, worried about, worried about. And you and you probably sit with yourself and you're like, when did I start to be so worried about this person? Because when did the roles shift? They always were just worried about me. and I was frolicking along and I was like, you know, drinking at some club and waking up in a random man's fucking basement in Brooklyn being like, hey, and my mom was probably so worried.

17:21And I wasn't even thinking about my mom at that point, right? I was just hoping I had an orgasm. Like you're not even thinking about your parents. And then all of a sudden one day, you're more stressed about their safety, their well-being, their health. And you're like, when did I know even that my parents went to the doctor? Like I didn't know my parents went to the like, I hate this. To realize that there are like no longer built in structures for your life. There are only the structures that you choose to invest in moving forward. That so much of that stability when you were younger and that comfort and that like it also just can exist.

17:55Your parents can't protect you in that way anymore, right? Like they can't walk you into your job every day and make sure that everyone's being nice to you. Like when you were young and in kindergarten, and they're like, let's have an after school conference with the parents and come together because your kid was bullying mine. They don't do that anymore. It's on you now. And again, that is the whole point of life that they got you to the point where you can then advocate for yourself. But it fucking sucks because I still want my mom to make my doctor's appointments. Like, I know that I want to be independent and I don't want to want my mommy or my daddy, but also I want them.

18:28You know, it's just, it's a little fucking mind fuck. And I remember, according to my therapist, this is very common for people in their early 30s to mid 40s to be facing. As we just like reach a state of full independence, our parents begin to exit their state of full independence. it's like it's basically like two escalators moving in complete opposite directions you're like bye mom and dad and they're like bye sweetie and you're like okay we're basically swapping positions and so as aging begins to impact our parents physical health and their energy and their cognition like they step onto the escalator moving downward oh my god that like is making me almost sad and want to cry and then because like it's so fucking sad that like that's the whole thing of life and now they're getting older and I think this often happens right when you are in one of the busiest most generative phases of your own life right you're building a career you're managing relationships maybe you're raising kids which obviously makes I think the emotional collision just so much harder when you're like on this high and then your parents are shifting so much and you're like wait wait wait wait wait stop what are you doing why wait no I don't I don't like this and I think sometimes this change can be incredibly pronounced right like maybe a sudden accident or a life shift happens and it alters your family's circumstances but I think more often like there really is no clear moment when the dynamic formally changes from what I was talking about with my friends like none of us had that big like this happened so then this happened it was just kind of like when did this happen like I can't really pinpoint it.

20:15Like you're just slowly realizing that you're existing in a different place in your family than you used to be. And your nervous system is trying to reconcile what the actual F is happening. So for me, when I was navigating this, and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I think my nervous system processed these just changes with like feelings of intense frustration. I found myself more frustrated and annoyed than ever with my parents as I saw them aging. And I know this was coming from my inner child, just wanting to be that little kid again and wanting things to go back to the way that they used to be.

20:57But instead of sitting with that sadness ultimately and allowing it to just cycle through, I just got irrationally irritated. And I know that probably sounds terrible because it's like not their fault. But I think it was like when I was having a super hard day at work and I'm like juggling my job and my relationship and my friendships and all the stress in my life, it would piss me off if my dad was calling me like asking me for help on something that like he used to be able to like maybe figure out on his own. and it just felt unnatural. And meanwhile, now I look back and I'm like, oh my God, like, no, that's actually so beautiful that my dad has helped me get to every place I have gotten in life.

21:43And the fact that he's never had to ask me for anything. Like my dad, when I'm growing up, like he never asked me like, can you help me? Like, I don't, like never. And so the fact that he is now able to ask me for help because I am a capable human being that should be something that I can look at as a positive but it was just too scary to me so I was like this is annoying and it's like it's not annoying it's like a beautiful progression of me being an independent individual that now can actually support my father and I used to not be able to do that and how great that I can now but at the time I was like dad can't you just google it and it's like no be there for him and I think it's also just because like I felt like there was already so much on my plate and I just wanted to be their kid that's where I was still in my head like I just want to be your kid again and I that's what I want but that's just not the case right and so I remember this was like two years ago I would be like snippy and I would take it out on my dad or my mom because all the things in my life stress me out and what I really wasn't getting underneath is like it's not that he's calling me and asking me for help it was freaking me out that he was calling me and asking me for help because that had never happened before and I also by the way would then like immediately like this is this guilt then started to like really get underneath me and that was like a huge therapy session I had with my therapist where I was like I don't like this I'm feeling guilty why am I speaking to my parents this way like they gave up their whole lives for me dedicated 31 years of raising me and I can't take five minutes to explain something like what the fuck is wrong with me and it's this whiplash from guilt to frustration, to sadness.

23:26And where it led for me was just then I remember going into like pure avoidance. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted my parents to stay constant and I wanted them to stay the same. And again, that is not reality. And that is why I went to therapy. And my therapist was like, let's talk this through.

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25:26That's why Tinder has astrology mode and music mode. It's an easy way to break the ice and start the conversation, Daddy Gang. Explore all the possibilities for yourself. Tinder, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. Must be 18 plus. I remember my therapist was like all of this whiplash and frustration stems from something that she I remember she called it anticipatory grief which I was like I don't like that I don't like that well what's that I don't like that at all it's basically grieving someone before they're even gone simply because there is so much internal stress and anxiety around losing them that is just taking up your mental load.

26:08Which I was like, okay, that's enough for this session. I was like, and time. And she's like, we're only 15 minutes in. I was like, okay, I'm fucked. Like, I think that anxiety, that's really what was coming up for me constantly. And I can't speak for any of you going through this, but when I reflect like on this big kind of inflection point I went through two years ago, we would be sitting around at a normal dinner and I would suddenly get this deep guttural sadness realizing that this version of my parents was finite and one day they wouldn't be here at dinner with me and it's these small moments that your brain can take and then just spiral into like what's gonna happen when they're gone like is this the last time that we're ever gonna you know have these type of holidays together or how much longer do we have like Like, will I ever, you know, like, I hope my mom and my father around for like all of my kids when I have kids one day, right?

27:07Like I would just get so overwhelmed and my mind would then start racing ahead to these scenarios that hadn't happened and probably wouldn't happen for a really long time. But this anxiety is just like my brain's attempt to control what it can't actually control. and there is nothing more out of our control than our parents inevitable aging and so luckily my therapist didn't just let me end the therapy session there I remember I was like bye she's like sit down I'm like okay this is why I pay the big bucks um my therapist shared that there was a way to gain some agency over this spiral and I think you all know what I'm gonna say maybe not it's kind of like a therapist answer to every single problem you ever had and it's really fucking hard to do but the answer always is you need to have a conversation with your parents where you all acknowledge what is happening and talk about moving forward and daddy gang as much as it sucks to sit down with your parents and talk about the ways that they are aging and so awkward and also like uncomfortable because you're like, wait a second.

28:23Although I do kind of feel like the parent in this dynamic to acknowledge it to my parents face, how is that gonna work? Because like, even though it feels this way, I don't want to acknowledge. It's so awkward, but it is so important to do it before I think life forces you. And trust me, it actually does help to have these conversations because so much of what you're feeling, you're then able to kind of like get a handle on the situation when you open it up to all of you so you can be like this is what's going on guys it doesn't also it doesn't need to be some dramatic sit down of like we need to talk about how you're getting old like sit down dad and you're like what the fuck like okay thanks like no it shouldn't be so so intense because if you come in hot about how your parents aren't as young and as capable and as with it like they're just gonna feel like shit or get defensive and be like, what are you talking about?

29:19These are grown adults who raised you and have been nothing but capable of taking care of you their entire lives. It is going to be uncomfortable for you all to address the shift, but it's needed. And so instead, my approach was to just start the conversation from my own viewpoint of like, hey, I have been thinking a lot about my future, your guys' future, and I just wanna like talk about how you guys factor into it. Have you guys thought about retirement and what's that gonna look like long-term? Like, do you guys have, whether it's a will or what do you have planned for the next X amount of years?

29:54And what do you need help with in this next phase of life? I think it's just helpful to really keep it focused on how you can be there to best support them as they look ahead at their own futures and just emphasize that you're here to make this time feel easier and more comfortable for them. and obviously if they're in denial about the fact that things are starting to change that's when you can start to mention some just like tangible examples of like well you know like I did notice like you forgot that appointment last week dad or like you know I see the lawn hasn't been woed in a while like could we find someone to help come and handle that like basically gentle reminders of changes that don't feel too daunting like that's a good place to start I would say the conversation it also may help if you have siblings to call them or your partner or friends search for just reinforcement but like when you get to I just remember sitting down with my parents being like guys we all feel this shift in like the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and it's all changing and the siblings are now becoming the ones and the parents are not as like let's just fucking talk about it and it took many conversations like it wasn't just one and done it was a lot like so much of this conversation is is just like first of all the way you approach it like again not having it be too heavy.

31:13Remember, you're not stepping in and taking over their lives like we've got to put you on a conservatorship now. You're like, what? Like that's literally not happening. They still have authority and autonomy over their lives, but you're just showing them that you want to support them and they don't need to hide their struggles. But you also want to put it out in the open that the dynamic is shifting, that maybe you would never talk about their finances or their living situation or their future plans in the past when you're in college or high school but now you probably need to know these things because god forbid something happens to one of the other parents and you whatever it is you need to be there to support them to some capacity again everyone's situation is different but i think that emotional support of like i'm here you can talk to me is important because honestly of course our parents want to protect us they want to shield us from all the shitty things in life including their own problems they haven't stopped being parents it may feel that way to some of us but they haven't but it's now on us to open the door and say hey we don't need to avoid this let's move forward in a way that we all feel good about and so I guess the point of this is like at the end of the day parenting your parents is actually a sign of really amazing reciprocity in one of the most important relationships that you will have in your lifetime.

32:36The role reversal is painful to confront in the beginning, I think. But once you do acknowledge it, it really does make it helpful to mitigate some of the frustration that's probably been felt on both sides, right? Like being open about this, I personally think can help you give back some of those moments where you do just want to be a kid again which on my end has been really nice I would say once I was able to have this conversation about my parents are just like I'm stressing out you guys are getting older the dynamic is shifting I feel like I need to take on more responsibility but once we got through that it's almost like we needed to just put it out in the open that the dynamic had changed and then since then what's so ironic is I now have kind of felt like I'm able to be a kid again with my parents because I now am so excited to lean into the emotional aspect of our relationship.