"Right Person Wrong Time" is a Myth

32:28And so I do think that like half of the people I also talk to, they're like, oh, we're doing it there because we're hoping no like half of the list doesn't end up coming. And you hear people say that. Right. So I do think there needs to be some honest conversation. I would be interested to see if you could bring your friend group together and all have an honest conversation about like what what is everyone doing? And who knows, maybe it impacts like do you do something a little less with the Greece trip so that you can also spread it out to the Italy trip? I have no idea, but I think you need to talk to your friends about it because obviously each of you is going to be in a different financial situation, but it seems like you all have this big group where like one person making a rogue decision, it's going to alienate them.

33:12And so I think getting on the same page with your friends and if the bride is unwilling to talk about it with you, fine, leave her out of it for now, but get all the bridesmaid together and be like, guys, literally what are we doing? And that's where I think this kind of stuff like literally ends friendships, right? I've had so many people write in being like, oh yeah, I never, I don't even speak to my bridesmaids anymore. I'm like, oh my God, what happened? I think that emotions get really heightened and the bride sees things completely different than the bridesmaids. And I'm not saying one is acting better than the other, but this kind of brings out like the worst in people.

33:46And I will say it sucks, but like everyone has a lot of weddings. And then when you're the person that it's your wedding you expect them to show up at 100 capacity in their best selves but it's like babe I have seven other weddings this summer and I think sometimes brides forget that and I'm not saying that's their issue but I do think there needs to be a little bit of understanding when it comes to if you know that they're already going to another European wedding and it's not where you could bop over it's like you have to come back to the states wait a little bit go back to Europe. I don't know if you can be that mad if some people don't show up.

34:24Please don't get mad at me. I'm just, I never said any of that. And again, guys, pregnancy brain, come on, pregnancy brain, pregnancy brain. Okay. Next. Oh my God. Guys, these ones I didn't pick this week. I had someone else pick them. So like I'm going to get slammed again. Okay. Is it rude to turn down a bridesmaid invitation. How funny that like on the controversial Richter scale bridesmaids in weddings I just can feel it in my bones. I'm like tread lightly tread lightly tread lightly. It's very sensitive topic. Is it wrong to turn down a bridesmaid invitation? An old friend from college asked me to be in her bridal party but we're not close at all anymore and I barely even know her fiance.

35:11She has plenty of other friends so I'm honestly confused why she even invited me. Okay, I think I can handle this one a little bit easier. I think that, listen, everyone in life is going to have different opinions on friends and nostalgia and, you know, the connection that they have to whether it's high school or college or whatever it be. And so you may not think that you're as close and she knows you're maybe not that close, but it may for her be more of like a, oh, she was at such a big pivotal time in my life. And let's keep it real. She may need to be filling those slots, you know, like they may be like, we want to do seven and seven and she's up to six and she's like, who else could I get to be in that row of, oh, Jamie, Jamie would be, Jamie will so show up.

36:01And so I actually do think that you can pass on this, but I don't think you need to be honest. we're not liars here on Call Our Daddy, but I do think sometimes you can omit parts of the truth when you're letting a friend that you're not close to down to not make it a bigger issue, okay? I think that you could just say, hey girl, I am so happy for you. I can't wait for you to have such a, I imagine the wedding's gonna be gorgeous. Unfortunately, I have a prior family commitment that we can, you could also say like, oh my God, I'm sorry, is this bad? But you could be like, I'm so sorry. Like I actually have already committed to a family wedding that weekend.

36:39So I won't be able to make it. But like, I love you. And please like send me your wedding registry and like sending you all the good vibes. I think you can totally respectfully pass on the bridesmaid thing without passing like, hey, guys, I mean, guys, unless I would love to hear if people would actually want you to be honest, because I think that's psychotic. Hey, girl, Jamie here. We haven't really talked in a while. So I was kind of thrown off that you asked me to be a bridesmaid and i'm going to be honest I don't think we're close enough. I don't even really know your fiance So like I don't really think it's appropriate for me to come to your wedding I mean, yeah, you could be that type of person I'm not gonna I would not do that I'm, not gonna do that because that's just gonna hurt her feelings, you know, let her down easy She's got enough to deal with She's got to go fill that seventh slot, baby Okay, next hi father.

37:26I need some help. I got lunch with a good friend I haven't seen in a while and she began completely slandering another friend of mine over some drama it felt like she was looking for validation but I honestly thought she was overreacting and found the whole thing super uncomfortable I think she could tell and now she wants to talk am I supposed to automatically take a friend's side when they're beefing with someone else I know fabulous inquiry so here's the thing about women uh men like sports and we like drama. We like pop culture. We like drama. We like a little bit of gossip here and there.

38:08And so when you go to a lunch and maybe maybe you went to this lunch and Becky was just on her shit. She's feeling herself and she's like, I need to vent. I think what happens sometimes is clearly she was looking to vent and it was coming off way too aggressive and she wasn't reading the room and she kind of went into a blackout rage. It's classic. We've all been there. So I think when a woman needs to get something off her chest, sometimes we can't read the room. And I think with her, clearly she went in spiraling a little bit and thought that you could be a companion. And in that moment you were like, actually, you're putting me in a really difficult position.

38:46What I really respect about you, and it seems like you did, is like you didn't just jump in and you didn't just start immediately gossiping with them because those are my least favorite kind of people where if you're in the room with one person, you're just a yes man and you're just like, oh my god, totally, they're so annoying. And then you go see that person later and you're completely fake and nice to them and then you'll bitch about the person you were just with earlier. It's like that is so two-faced and I think there are a lot of people who would rather just indulge it rather than like have a backbone and stand their ground.

39:16And even if it's just being quiet, that's being a good friend. And sometimes I think it's lost on people. So I love that you didn't engage. if she's following up because she has a feeling it was making you uncomfortable I do think just being really honest with her can't hurt I think you can just say listen I definitely felt a little uncomfortable and I don't mean in a way that like I was you know wanting to leave the brunch but I just felt like it was a lot I just didn't really know how to act being in the middle of it because I'm on really good terms with her and I have a great relationship with her.

39:48So I feel like I'm kind of not the right person to be talking with this about. If she freaks out, that's like on her and she's immature and she needs to figure that out. But I do think this is a classic, like the girls are beefing. They're looking for, you know, the neutral party to like sway and bring on their side. And I think you hold your ground because instead of having to sway left or right, you actually don't need to be a part of this. And that is something that I think that it takes a while to learn that, you know, I feel like none of us knew that in high school, right? High school, you were like, oh, you're either on Taylor's side or you're either on Francine's side.

40:27And there ain't no in between you team Taylor or you team Francine. And there's no gray area because maturity and honesty and boundaries, they don't exist back then. But then we build that muscle a little bit. And I have a lot of respect for people when you build that muscle, if you can maintain it and do it in a way that's very mature. So kudos to you. You're on the right path. OK, next.

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42:15I love summer. Oh, I love summer so much. But when I tell you, I get so excited for my plans and then I'm like, oh my God, but then I'm going to eat and I'm going to be out and then I'm going to, oh my God, am I going to have digestion issues? Am I going to get bloated? Am I going to have discomfort? All of it. We don't need to live like that. Okay. Don't let your gut keep you from living your best life ladies with rituals symbiotic plus you only need one capsule a day for simple streamlined gut support symbiotic plus is a complete biotic formula with clinically studied pre-pro and postbiotics in clinically studied doses to support a balanced gut microbiome probiotics are only able to stay in the gut for a few days or weeks at a time so consistent use can help support the benefits we do not need guys i'm telling you i'm not i'm not going to dinners anymore i'm not going to feel that way because of ritual.

43:06We need to take care of ourselves. So if this is your sign, if you're like, oh, Alex, you're so right. Summer's coming. I want to feel good. I want you can you literally can support a balanced gut microbiome with ritual symbiotic plus save 25 % on your first month at ritual.com slash call her daddy. That's ritual.com slash call her daddy for 25 % off your first month. Enjoy daddy gang. Father, I need some help. I love my boyfriend so much and would never cheat on him. But the other night I was out with friends and ended up talking to a guy I used to be really flirty with. We talked for hours. And even though I mentioned my boyfriend throughout the conversation, I know I enjoyed the attention a little more than I should have.

43:54I woke up feeling so guilty, even though I technically didn't do anything wrong. Is that a sign that I crossed a line. How do you know the difference? Okay. So there's a couple dynamics here that I would like to point out. I think that it's human nature to, you know, be out and you're like, oh my God, this person's giving me so much attention. If you are feeling like you're not getting that in your relationship, right? Like I'm trying to think of myself, if I was out and a guy was giving me attention I would just immediately be like I'm so not interested in this because like I'm I'm completely fulfilled in my relationship with my husband so I would be like immediately shutting that down and I'm not I'm not making you feel bad I'm just acknowledging for you that like form in my opinion that's what this is you're craving that attention because something is missing in your relationship because otherwise it would just feel it just wouldn't hit like if a man was giving me attention.

44:55I'd literally be like, do you see my ring? Like, I don't need, I don't need it. Even if I didn't have a ring and I was still in a relationship and we were dating like Matt and I, like I just wouldn't entertain it. Cause I'm like, I don't need this. I I'm fulfilled. I get a test. So you have to recognize within yourself that yes, you leaned in. I don't think you're a bad person. It just really is exposing something within your relationship. You also saying, I woke up feeling so guilty and I feel like I crossed a line for me. That means that like, maybe you really do love your boyfriend. It was almost just like you felt like that night, such a thrill.

45:30You were like, oh my God, I felt hot. I felt wanted. I felt desired. I felt pursued. And I think a lot of times woman or man, when you're not getting that in your relationship, if you get it, you know, a night out, a little bit of flirting, no physical connection happens, you feel alive again. But unfortunately, that is really a negative sign. It's a negative sign because it's either like the romantic relationship that you're in is not fulfilling you enough. And so you're having to seek it from other people. And if you felt guilty, the option is number one, you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend, not telling him about this night, okay?

46:13I don't think you did anything to the point where you need to disclose this to him, but you need to approach the issue and you need to handle the issue so you don't keep doing that. And I think approaching the issue is whatever the issue is for you, right? Maybe you guys don't really have sex anymore or maybe you are lacking kind of that intimacy, not the actual sex act, but like you guys don't really kiss anymore and he doesn't really do this or you don't really do this and you kind of become, you know, just kind of partners in life. I think a lot of times when couples move in together, things can get very hard to spice up if they aren't making concerted efforts.

46:54And so sometimes you almost become like best friends and you're like, wait, where did we lose our way? Like he used to court me and I used to surprise him with things when he would come home. And so like the effort has dwindled and you're clearly feeling that. And so the attention is feeling so invigorating. You're feeling so alive, but you clearly want that from your boyfriend. So put the effort there in whether you need to put date nights on the books or whether you do need to put on a cute outfit and you guys need to reconnect and you need to feel good about yourself or you need to plan a date where you both meet from work.

47:29So like you don't go together and you look for him in the bar and you spot him and whatever it is, you don't have phones at dinner. You actually connect. Like I can't tell you what's missing in your relationship I'm obviously coming up with a bunch of ideas where I'm guessing but I think this is really common sadly for a lot of people in a lot of relationships and they look for external validation and they don't pause to just recognize and maybe they internally like subconsciously they know it's because they're not getting it from their partner but instead of trying to do anything about it they just go get it somewhere else and that's what leads to I feel like all these people cheating right you hear all the men like well you know she doesn't fuck me anymore so I went and it's like fuck off like that's not an excuse to ever cheat like did you bring this up to her have you had conversations have you gone to couples therapy have you worked on things people are so lazy and people are so quick to just jump to the next thing because it's easier it feels like and guess what if you got into a relationship with this person and you broke up with your boyfriend, I'm telling you the same thing is probably going to happen because it does take two to tango of like, if you're not putting the effort in with your boyfriend and I'm not fully blaming you, I'm just saying it's going to happen again, another relationship.

48:47And how are you going to solve that? You need to put that amount of effort and more into your relationship. And it's a quick, easy fix at a bar and a night out. And you, you know, you're flirting and all the things, but then life happens, right? People are, it's so crazy how like distracted we can all get by like the little shiny thing. And it's so temporary because real relationships are built on hard conversations and merging your lives and the reality of life, work, finances, family dynamics. And so when you're out at the bar, none of that exists. it's just physical attraction it's just this oh my gosh you're hot I'm hot I'm feeling this and then you wake up the next day and if you actually wanted a relationship with that person then you're gonna have to go through all the trudging of the mud that you've gotten through with your other with your current partner and so you've done the hard work and clearly you like this person so actually I think it's so easy the easiest part is to regain that little spark oh I I need more attention.

49:48I want to feel sexy. I want to do that easy. You've done the hard work. Now just pour into the relationship, right? In a way that makes you feel seen and him feel seen. All right, let's do one more. My close friends all moved across the country together where I stayed in the city where we originally lived after college. Whenever I visit, I feel pressure to justify my decision to stay by talking about how great my life here is still because they talk about how much happier they are now in that other place. How do I stop seeking validation for a choice I know was right for me? Oh, this is like so relatable and annoying because I feel like when you're on the same page as your friends in college, it's just the best feeling.

50:33Like you're going to the dining hall together and you're going to the parties together and everything is just so, I mean, at the time it doesn't feel easy, but you look back and you're like, oh my God, it was so easy, right? It was so easy. We all had similar schedules and we had similar interests and we just did everything together. And then when you leave college, it feels so disorienting how that foundation almost immediately disappears and crumbles and everyone starts to go their own directions. And it's kind of really depressing in a way. You're like, oh my God, we were all joking about how, you know, it's going to be so fun to get out of here and start our lives.

51:17And although it is in some way nice to start my life, I miss that comfort. I miss that familiarity. And so the fact that you have stayed in the place that you guys all went to college, you're still in your familiar bubble, but you're growing and you're loving it. And that's amazing. And them having left, I think something that makes your situation a little different maybe than others of just like oh I moved to this city and they moved that city is like there's a part of you I think after college that like really wants to shed like I'm not a college person anymore right like I'm an adult and I'm sure that they feel like when they're associating any conversation they're having about the city you guys went to school in they're thinking about themselves in college and I think that you have to separate that for yourself where like they're not shitting on, you know, oh my God, I'm so much happier now that I live in Denver instead of Boston.

52:13Oh my God, Boston. Like I was just like, oh my God, I could have never stayed there. Meanwhile, you're like, I literally still live here. I think what they're trying to probably say is it's more about themselves because let's be real. Everyone only fucking cares about themselves. And so they're really having a self-reflective moment of like, I'm so much happier in Denver now because dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And they're comparing college them. Understandably what they're not being thoughtful about is like, you're like, Hey guys, so I still live here. And then you're having to over compromise and almost prove yourself.

52:43Like, but I've grown too, just cause I've stayed in the same location I've grown to what it comes down to with friends in this moment is it feels like a rat race. When you get out of college, it feels like you're all in the same line. And it starts a little bit in college where like who got the internship or like who did get the job out of college like it slowly begins right but then the minute and there's a couple people little head right before you get out of college because like they've got some job secured or they've got this or that or maybe they have family money so they've got the apartment and you still are gonna have to live at home with your parents whatever it's a little bit of this and then the minute college is over everyone starts looking to their left and right to compare like well wait she got the job and then I didn't get the job and I'm still living with my and you're all in this comparison game and it doesn't feel that overt, right?

53:31It doesn't feel that contentious, but it's there because you're just looking lightly left to right. You're on social media, you're checking in. And so understandably, you're doing that with your friends right now. And because a group of them have left, you're feeling like it's like five V one. I think what you have to start to do when you see that group of friends is have confidence that you know who you are and that you made the right decision for yourself. And I almost would test you to be like, next time you're with that group and they bring up how much happier they are that they're not in Boston or wherever it is, you actually don't then match it with a, yeah, no, but like I've just been like, Boston has been like, just don't answer.

54:15Just say, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for you that you have found this place that is making you feel so fulfilled and happy. And then when they ask you, how are you doing? Then you can share and be honest. I'm really happy. I am shocked that I'm still so fulfilled in Boston. I found such different areas since college and I did it up, but don't preemptively almost like word vomit to defend yourself. And I think that goes past obviously this dynamic that's like obviously very specific anyone when you're dealing with a friend group the constant comparison almost can have you innately jumping to prove yourself and then you leave and you're like oh I didn't really like that version of myself like why was I being so like try hard and like convincing them who I am and that I'm feeling good about myself it kind of has nothing to do with them it's it's you're clearly feeling a little insecure so work on that and then all of a sudden you won't care because the best feeling is when you are so secure and you don't care that you're like oh my god girl I know I'm so happy I say it in Boston and I know you literally hated it I fucking love it and it doesn't it doesn't bother you so anyone in friend dynamics stop the knee-jerk reaction to defend or to prove stop yourself and I think you'll start to find that they actually aren't really pressing half the time it's you that's trying to engage they don't really care that's the that's the most like eye-opening experience you just continue to have as you progress in life and you get older and you have more experience is like, no one cares.

56:02No one cares. I was going to say about you. And I was like, that's not true, but like, kind of like, let me say it and then take it back. No one cares about you. No one really gives a shit what you're doing. No one actually gives a fuck. They're everyone's focused on themselves. Yes. They care about you because you're their friend, but they don't actually care if you stay in Boston or you move to Denver. Would it be more convenient for them if you live in Denver? For sure. But they're like, okay, well, she's still in Boston. Like they don't actually care. And so you have to start to try to like let yourself go of all these people's opinions on your own life.

56:37At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself the longest out of anyone in this world. That's the real facts. You're with you till the end, whenever that end is, okay? And so to try to placate and justify and, you know, all these things for all these other people, when the reality is no one really gives a shit. You're going to spend your whole life constantly like, oh, and then people are literally like, oh, I like forget. What did you do? And meanwhile, like I spent so much energy making sure that they saw me in that moment. They didn't care. And when you start to realize that, put that amount of energy back into yourself.

57:15health, it's so much better. Life is just sweeter and easier and more enjoyable. And then you can just enjoy. And then it also prevents you when you do have assholes around you that kind of can seep in or try to make jab comments to make you feel insecure because they're insecure. Instead of making a snarky comment back, you literally are just like, oh, okay, wait, what do you want to get for dinner? Like you literally don't care. And that is freedom. When you just kind of like relinquish all of the expectations and the, all the bullshit of comparison and projection. And you're literally like, I fucking love my life.

57:53I love myself. I'm focused on myself and I'm not focused on anyone else thinks about me, nor am I really focused on what anyone else is doing other than if they're my friend and I'm there to support them. But I still also don't really care what they're doing. As long as they're happy, the same goes for you. Stop treating your friends like their word is God. Your word is God. What do you want? What makes you happy? So I hope that was an uplifting little sermon from your father. I had such a lovely time this Sunday session. I am excited for, oh, we have some good interviews coming up, you guys. We have some really good episodes.

58:31And I also have some really good Sunday session ideas. I hope you guys are liking these, you know, like hit you with a little truth at the beginning, something I've been thinking about, something I've been chewing on, you know, and then boom, get into questions of the week. But obviously, I always want your guys' opinions. So please write in if there's anything you want me to talk about on these episodes. If there's anything that you have been struggling with that you're like, ooh, I could use a little girl talk on this one, Alex. And then also, obviously, always write in questions. I think a lot of times the questions in a beautiful way, they can be very specific.

59:02But there's always like a broader theme that does relate to so many women who are watching this. So I appreciate everyone. Obviously, all of your questions are always anonymous. miss all the names that I'm making up out of the top of my head you know they're fake um so your secret is safe with me all right daddy gang I love you so much I will see you fuckers next Wednesday goodbye

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