Shay Mitchell: Let Him Go, You Deserve Better (FBF)

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy. can we talk about this set I know I'm really happy about it there's so many things I have to change I know I know I see it because I'm a crazy person like there's certain things I would have changed like those one flower that when your last set I was like I'm gonna move those when I come over no I'm not lying like because I'm it was bad it was just the one flower arrangement that was always beside behind you and I was like I just want to move that when I go on our show I'm this is insane this is beautiful you like it i love it good vibes i feel very serene isn't this like you want to tell me like all your secrets in this room i mean yes that and the truth serum right here okay wait let's start shay metro welcome to color daddy thank you shay made me a drink what is in this drink this is okay this is passion fruit onda but i made you a passion fruit spritzer so i actually got passion fruit before coming over here i'm just kidding i lied i got I deliver I have two kids okay I love you but like thank you postmates um so I had passion fruit like the guts of it I put in one whole one and then over ice and then just passion fruit on death but like it's honestly really fucking good it's good right a little spritz so I was told why I wanted you to drink why I was told you were a lightweight oh that's crazy and if that was Kate let's start okay everybody listening let me give you a little backstory if you don't know who Kate Bailey is actually this is what I was gonna say the only reason it's appropriate the amount of times that we've canceled on each other is because we have a mutual friend yeah I've been like we're gonna do it this month we're gonna do it I canceled on you you canceled on me I was like it's good that we have a mutual friend her name is Kate Bailey Kate Bailey is my publicist Kate Bailey is your very very good friend of how many years so many obviously we've met before but like we haven't like hung out never and I'm I kind of feel like I already know you from Kate Kate every time she's with you is like Shay is the most fun outgoing life of the party you're like stop oh my god keep going she truly all every time that she's with you I feel like she's having the best time unless she's with me and I'm like why are you like what makes you so fun like what is your social life like right now tell us what is my social life I don't know if it's necessarily like my I don't go out a ton I say that and then I was just at a concert last night until one um I think what it is is like my perspective on things may be good so even if Kate's stressed out I kind of am the opposite I'm not stressed out or like I kind of feed off of people's energy and I like want to support you and you're like I'm just I'm like a real energy person I can get that from you immediately because we were just joking we're like kate's always working on her phone 24 7 and you're like live in the moment no i'm super present like i will be super present if we were out to dinner unless there was something where i'm like hey i have my phone because of my kids right but aside from that i'm very big on living in the moment so another vibe i got from you is that before you met your partner which we'll get into i'm like i fucking know shay mitchell was out there on the streets getting after it dating hooking up oh my god time tell me take a sip yeah you're like okay I'm gonna chug this whole thing what was your dating life like in your 20s my dating life was I think I always thought about my life in ways of like chapters to a book I always kind of said yes to things so that I could have that experience and be able to like I don't know talk about it after like I do things for the experiential like aspect of it I get that I want to add that to my chapter I'm like oh that'd be a fun thing oh okay fly here cool let's try it or like he does this profession let's see what that's like but as long as I was in control and like you know it was my decision to do things and like I felt comfortable I was good to go you're good to go so I like yeah do you have a type not at all not at all I have zero type really zero type if you were to look at like the trajectory of my past there is no type it's a vibe I love it it's a vibe it really is like okay what kind of vibe what do you need though I need confidence but not cockiness and that is something I need somebody who is like respectful and like a good human and that's it like truthfully I feel like I've been and maybe like I've experienced like a couple bad ones that's it out of like a bunch I'm curious if all of your exes were like having a text thread what is you're like oh god um Shay like loves it she's like oh like what do you think that they would be like saying about you like was there any theme after relationships she knew what she wanted I think that would be like the group chat like she knew what she wanted that's what I think everybody would say and I actually have really good there's you know again aside from a few like I really have awesome experiences from my past and they were great guys we just weren't right for each other

5:42we all know you like originally originally you popped off pretty little liars and i want to talk to you lightly about pretty little liars because i can imagine i don't want to say you're like annoyed by talking about it but that was 13 years ago yeah yeah so like i'm sure in every interview you do people want to talk to you about it how does that make you feel a okay you know why because that's what gave me my start and I will never forget that and I will never look down on that pretty little liars was the biggest turning point in my life I was doing bottle service before that and when I booked this job it changed my life forever and it it gave me the opportunities and the experiences that I've had and I owe everything I'm like I still talk to Marlene King all the time and I'm like thank you for saying yes and that callback you know and like it changed my life I could never talk badly about it and I love it and I love you know when they do the spinoffs and I'm always like that's amazing that's awesome I love the fact that I was a part of so many people's lives and a really important part like for me like watching the OC like that was my thing you know Gossip Girl that was my thing so when people come up and they're like I loved you you know I grew up with you I'm like that's awesome and the fact that I got to play the character that I did is like even more amazing well yeah you have now played how many queer characters in your career almost all of them maybe I was just like meant to be I'm like a vehicle to like tell their stories but I also feel like I have never also put myself in a category I am not one I don't love a label I don't love a title like I don't want to label my sexuality I don't want to label my relationship I don't like I never wanted to be a wife like I don't I don't I don't want to be put in a category why do you think that is I just want to be free like I just want to be me whatever that is and like right now I'm in a relationship with a man and I don't that's cool and it's amazing but like in five or ten years I don't know could be you like I just I never know and I never want to put myself in a position where I feel like constricted yeah did you had you ever kissed a girl before you took on the Emily role in Pretty Little Night you had yeah I had an experience before okay in these characters yeah it wasn't like oh I'm playing this character let me see how this feels and that was the thing when people were like how do you know how to play this if you haven't been in a relationship with a girl like what how do I know what it's like to like somebody loves like I hated those questions and that's what I would always get like how do you know how it feels or like how can you play this character if you're not a like what I don't know I know what it's like to like somebody it's the same shit right and i feel like we felt that in your character where like you are so confident in that role that i think it probably does help a lot of people watching you on screen being like i want to be like that i want to emulate that energy of just like confidence in still such a hetero world that we're in like yeah it's still not completely accepted which is so fuck and for you to be like i don't give a fuck there's so much stuff that i do that's not accepted like i really obviously aren't like i'm not one to stand by tradition like let's talk about that okay let's talk about my hands are freezing I wish I you know what I should have brought the whole let's chug it because let's do a little breakfast

9:09that was a loud gulp wow I'm impressed that's okay but you're not gonna eat the pomegranate are you no I'm gonna pour more into it yeah I got it right here guys I just knew Shea Mitchell the media train queen media train queen that's what kate said to me media oh she's like she's media trained she will swerve your questions i'm like yeah for the first 15 minutes then i'm gonna sauce her up that's like the complete option of like what i'm supposed to be doing i'm like i'll just get her a little drunk and then i'll ask her all the hard questions i love it i also did say let's just tell everybody there was no question there was no question that was there was no topic that was off you did say that right okay thank you okay you're welcome okay wow my hand is cold my hand is cold like koozies like put it on my thigh for a minute okay let's talk about your relationship yeah what one no i mean like what kind like what can you're just joking you're slowly unbuttoning i know what one your partner did you when you were thinking about how you were gonna ask me this were you like what do i call him yeah and you know what's interesting is i want ask you is the term baby daddy insulting to you because I feel like Nick Cannon really has put a little downer on that one for everyone no one wants to be called a baby daddy anymore so it's insulting to you it's not insulting listen you don't it's not insulting no because he's more than he's more than my baby daddy he's not in a canon he's more than my baby daddy um and so I think that there is like I love the word partner some people don't some people don't love it like you're never gonna please anybody so let's just get that out of the way totally for me um I like the term partner he is my partner he's my partner in a lot of things he helps me so much with my business obviously we're partners in raising our girls together he's my partner in life that we're living right now and I like it how does he feel about the term partner I don't know if he loves it I don't know if he loves it you know sometimes he'll be on calls and he's like in my wife and I'm like what you know and I'm always like and not because I'm like I'm like I want it like I'm like um why do you think that is well I don't like the word why yeah I don't know I just like I I'm not and he's not my husband like I don't know your partner I love like I think like girlfriend is cute and like I we met when I was 19 and I love that like we weren't girlfriend and boyfriend at that point but I love the I love I love that like I'm like his I'm like his girlfriend like we are friends so you have two kids together two girls yeah but you met and you were friends first yeah when I was 19 how did you transition from friends to relationship it's been a lot of years I met him actually when I was doing bottle service at Drake's birthday like Drake's like 21st birthday in Toronto we're from Toronto so I was doing bottle service there and we met and um we didn't start dating right away like we were just talking we found out that we were neighbors and we started hanging out I'd go to his basketball games like we just started hanging out as friends and then you know we tried to like make it work in more than a friend way didn't we tried it a couple times didn't work and then we took some time apart and then I think it was like four or five years or something and then randomly a mutual friend just kind of connected us together together and it was like third time's a charm so when you started getting serious and like even when you got pregnant like did you have to have a conversation with him to be like I don't ever want to get married I think we had that conversation like even when we were friends I think I always spoke about my feelings and I will never say like never say never about anything but I just was never that girl of like who had a Pinterest board of her wedding I never did and my parents have been married for like 38 maybe even 40 years and they've had an amazing relationship but it just wasn't something that I wanted I didn't feel the need to like I didn't feel that a piece of paper and a big celebration and a ring would like justify my love like it's yeah no no but I like that you're saying it because I was sitting here thinking like I think there's some people when they listen to that of you are like wow like that's so interesting and like really crazy and I'm like if a man was saying that they'd be like oh he never thought he was gonna get married like okay dope I like that you're saying it though because it's really healthy to not just keep doing what the fuck came before us and not questioning it there is a trend because there's more people that aren't getting married now like since the 1970s I think it's like a the age is getting later on which I love because I think similar to how we have to hit a certain age to drink and drive we are developing so much in our 20s and like we are learning who we are and when you get together and you're married you grow as a unit you know and sometimes that's great but sometimes it's detrimental to your own development totally and I think the reason why I've I've been very lucky to be in for the most cases you know great relationships is because I've always felt pretty secure and confident with who I was first before getting into a relationship and I think that you know with marriage sometimes you're more concerned about how you guys are both growing and you're trying to help him lift up.

14:41When at that point in your early 20s, you need to get your own self out. You need to like figure out yourself. That's not to say that it can't work in your 20s. For all of those people, I love it and amazing. But I feel like for me, it just wasn't necessary. And that's not to say that I don't believe in something. I like, hey, I'd love to have a commitment ceremony. Maybe in like, I don't know, 10 years, whenever the like, if it ever happens, I could look at him and be like, hey, we should have a celebration because we just did that. look at our girls or like in high school and like we crushed it we went through storms and we are here and we are standing and we're like high five because we just did that like let's make a commitment to this family and to raising these girls and our kids at that whatever but like I would be all up for that because sometimes I think the celebration happens before you've even been through some storms you know I fucking love it because it's basically you're saying like do whatever feels good for you and like we can make up new shit take a sip matt works with drake yeah and when i think about that you know he goes on tour with him right he's on his like management team he like a lot of the creative is from him like he's like a creative genius truthfully so he's like in the world that is like he's traveling he's with all these people there's parties there's girls around there's a lot happening how does it feel or how do you handle when he's like away and like at these parties and at these events and you're sitting at home with the kids being like I wonder what he's doing and I'm not talking recently yeah take me back to like more beginning stages of like building trust around this type of lifestyle yeah I mean it is 100 % hard like I can't be like it's fine I don't feel a thing no it's hard but it's hard because I care yeah it's hard because I love what we have you know what I mean so yeah it's like it's difficult but then at the same time I'm like we just talked and they're away in South America and I'm like are you having fun what are you guys doing like there's also that element because I feel like in the same way that I have with my friendships like those are so successful because I trust them and there's communication not that it's the same but like there's trust and there's communication with us and it's not always perfect by any means but there has to be trust and I can't think about other scenarios or like think about hypothetical situations if it ever were to come out or anything there's like deceiving any of that then like I'll deal with it then yeah but I also can't live my life worrying about what he's doing he is living his own life we are two individuals that have come together and chosen to like have kids together and like have a family together but at the same time he is like doing his own thing and I love that for him like he's having fun he's crushing and he's so good at what he does and I love that he's with his friends getting to work and have fun you know totally so I love that but like as long as there is communication once that is broken for me then it's done and that's that's a known thing that we have so as long as he knows that and I know that like I feel like we're good I dated an athlete I love how singular plural I dated athletes in the past and I found myself like in moments being the same as you of like what do I give a fuck like I'm fucking sitting here with my girlfriends we're at it we're having a great time like and he's gonna do what he's gonna do but then there are like the spiral moments i remember i used to if he was like in fucking milwaukee or fucking texas or milwaukee yeah they always would go to like the worst places but that's when i know like you're desperate like you're gonna find some type of like so i would always be like oh they're if they're going out tonight i would like spiral and like look up like the bar that i knew they were at and then i would go to like the Instagram and then I would be like oh who's like at the bar and if they tagged anyone I would go to that girl's Instagram and like look for him in the background and then be like oh my god there he is like he's standing next to that girl like he's really close to that girl like what's happening and then I would text him be like hey like how's your night and like it's a normal like I always used to be embarrassed to admit that and I was like I was in love with this person I was in a relationship with this person and I cared about this person and I think jealousy and anxiety in relationships is can be normal depending on like the level of it sure so i'm wondering like because this is like a very public touring facing situation how do you not spiral in moments and i don't even mean now i mean like beginning oh my gosh no no for sure absolutely i can't i could not return i did the exact same thing back in the day i would say for sure in my 20s I fully get you I could do the exact same thing yeah but it got to a point where I was like okay so if he did then what or if anybody at that point that was if he did then what yeah I'll be okay I'll keep it moving and it wasn't meant to be but that is how I live my life and once you think about it like that I don't want that then if you can take him from me then he's yours I'm good and I can keep it moving be there for my kids or that's another story but like in terms of us then our story ends and that's okay I still have my life to live I cannot live my life like I did in my 20s because I did do that and it's like for what I wasted so many sleepless nights for what did that change how we acted no you're gonna do the guys the girls whatever we're gonna do what we're gonna do regardless if if you're staying up at night not sleeping stalking and Instagram he's still gonna do what he's gonna do he's not gonna be like well Alex is probably up looking at the club's Instagram trying to like you know zoom into this that's not gonna stop them so like what is that you just lose sleep you're so right okay like I'm not gonna worry about it before it happens if you do it then we we deal and I'll figure out like co-parenting but like then it is and I hope you're happy and I genuinely mean that I want you to be happy because I feel like when you truly love somebody you want them to live their happiest life and I do and if that's not with me I don't want to force that I love this energy too because I feel like I've said this on my show it's like I know there's so many people I always just say women because I know women listen to this podcast the most I'm like hi ladies like I think there's a lot of guys you think you think you have a video you have a video component to this they used to they used to it's gotten a little too sappy that they're like okay there's no more like full sex like you talking about like the dick going into the pussy like I'm fucking out I'm like okay pervs I think I've had a lot of conversations on this podcast trying to and women write in being like I'm so in love with this person and I love your advice too because I know Kate has always said like you are like almost like the friend therapist like all your friends go to you and I feel similar with my friend group of like you have to almost like back out of it and look at it like from a third POV of like what would you tell your friend and I feel like a lot of women listen to this podcast being like yeah but Shay like I'm so in love with him but I just have that like feeling almost every time he's always doing boys nights he's always kind of like out and I just feel like I'm not fully a part of those moments and I sit at home but like when we're together our relationship is great but he makes me feel really insecure like what do I do like what would you be in love with yourself more than you need to love yourself more because I would tell my daughters like you shouldn't be doing that.

22:27I don't want them having a million sleepless nights. A couple are fine. Like it's healthy, whatever. We get it. But like you shouldn't be feeling that way in a healthy relationship. And if you are, then maybe it isn't the right one. I don't want to constantly be living in a state of anxiety, wondering where they are, what they're doing. Like I actually love the fact that he's traveling with the biggest person and like you get to see all of that. And if you still come back, then like I'm the baddest bitch. You know what I mean? Like that's what I feel like. And if I don't, then like cool, go be with her.

22:55and then I'll keep it moving too. Like it just wasn't meant to be and I'm such a believer of that. I feel like that's why my perspective on life and different experiences, if I miss a plane, I was like, oh, there is a reason for that. Like that is how I live my life and let me tell you, it's a lot more peaceful than what it was before. I had this sort of like real realization about how it works for me and how it should be. I love that advice too because I feel like it's like half the time, more than half the time, we have to look at it like, Like it's actually not about him. You're sitting there.

23:27Like why are you sitting there stressing? Why was I on my phone zooming so intensely? Like because I was bored in college being like this is better than the guys I could be dating here. So like there's always if you break it down. Like I wanted to be with him because of the status and the money and the lifestyle. And I loved it. And I didn't want to lose it. And I was willing to maybe look the other way because like I love that. Now in hindsight I'm like that was perfect for where I was in that moment. I absolutely loved that moment in my life. now I would never put up with that because I want time you could be putting into building yourself like a reading a book educating yourself going to the gym hanging out with your friends like doing other things I think as you get older and the reason why I say like I did that all in my 20s but like it changed when I was 30 is because I realized how valuable every single day is and I do not want to waste my fucking time stalking other people's movements you know what I mean And like, then I'm taking away my time and living my life and like spending quality time with friends or people that are here.

24:24Watching somebody else's move. They're going to do it if they're going to do it. And I can't stop it. It's not healthy. It's not healthy. We need to cut it out. It's too short. I don't want to look back on my life dedicating so many of my like precious days to doing that. Amen.

24:54so you're a mother yeah i'm a mother you're a mother did you always picture you're gonna have kids yeah yeah i did okay i mean i never had a set age i wasn't like when i'm 26 i'm gonna have no i i i knew that i wanted to experience that when you think about there's so many beautiful things that come with motherhood yes but I feel like you're a good person to talk to about like because you don't like to label things like absolutely not when I think about mothers there's a lot of pressure if you're not just dedicating your entire life in other people's eyes to your children did you ever lose yourself in the beginning stages of trying to navigate like being a mother being also Shea Mitchell this like independent successful woman that wants to have both oh my gosh I remember when I was first pregnant with Atlas and I was like nine months I was talking to my doula at the time and all of a sudden we're talking and I just started bawling and she's like oh my gosh are you so excited I was like no a piece of me is dying I'm gonna be a mother like I'm now gonna be a mom and she was like okay like that's amazing I was like no I'm a mom now like I'm a mother she's like okay amazing like not understanding and I think what I had to come to an understanding with is that yes old Shay did a part of me did have to be put to rest I am a mother now I wasn't beforehand like and it does change there's a leaf that turns when you get pregnant and like from the moment you see that you are pregnant on that stick it changes and that life that you lived before is over and that's okay because there's a new life like there's a new chapter like a new relationship and that's it's fun and it's exciting it's also scary and you know at that at that point it was also a little bit lonely because like your partner won't understand they don't go through the same thing they don't understand the changes and the sacrifices that we make especially being somebody who also you know was very active like in my work and you know my social and everything it was like I have to take a pause I can't be like I was fortunate to be able to act up until the point where I was like eight months but still I had to take a moment I had to take a break whereas he didn't and so that was really difficult for me when I was pregnant do you have advice for someone that's currently having a little bit of a difficult time finding their like regaining their identity after they just like gave birth now they've like their kids alive and well and they're like fuck who am I independent of being a mother I think you need that time outside of your kids I think it is so crucial I love my girls I will do anything of course it is like having kids truthfully is like having a heart live outside of you like my heart beats in them but I also need to continue to do things for myself and for me to feel rested for me to feel like you know I've done what I needed to do because then I'm a better better mother when I can come back and like I feel good you know and I think that that's the thing it is really hard especially after like I always say I love a baby shower I think that's great even though I did mine at like Magic Mike what um I also think there needs to be like another like a postpartum sort of like a mama shower after because it's all fine and dandy when you have that celebration when the baby's in your stomach and like things are cool and there's a million beautiful flowers and friends and all of that around you there needs to be something after when you're in the postpartum when you're in the bed by yourself or maybe with your partner like in and feeling like a mess feeling like if you're breastfeeding or you're feeding them with a bottle like you just don't feel your best yeah there needs to be a celebration for you at that moment I'm like I want to start you know the mama shower something where you have all your friends come I need a flower crown then when the babies were crying when Atlas was screaming when the house was a mess I need that like you know yeah that kind of like group and party then I actually love that too because I you're so right there's such a celebration of like right before like this is gonna be great and then like life happens and then life happens and there's judgment yeah you're a very independent person and I wonder what does independence look like for you um independence to me means that like this is like ASMR because I'm crunching these passion fruit is it are you hearing independence Independence is.

29:43Independence means that like I can make my own moves and do what I want to do. And like when I want to do something, I do it. I don't know. Listen, let me tell you something. This is when I was how old? I'm driving age. When I got my first car, my parents got me a car. Okay. And I was so excited. Drove it around everywhere. Me and my girlfriends, I'd pick them up. You know, as you do, you're like, just got my license. Let's drive to McDonald's. And then one day I came downstairs and I was like, where are my keys at? And I couldn't find them. And I was like, wait, hi, mom, dad, like where are my keys?

30:20And he's like, you don't have your car today. I was like, wait, why? Is it in the shop? Are you getting it washed? Are you filling it up? Like what's going on? He was like, you just don't have it today. I took it. And I'm like, okay. So like you want to drive it? Can I drive yours? Like what's going on? He's like, no, I bought it. I own it. It's mine. You don't have it. And I was like, wait, what? You bought it. It's my car. He's like, it's not your car. I bought it for you and I can take it away. And I was like, I didn't even do anything. Then I'm like trying to think. I'm like, did I do something last night?

30:49Like, did he go through my, like, what is happening? Nothing had happened. He just took my car away because he wanted to prove a point that like he bought it and I didn't own it. And just because, you know, he had got me the car at that point, like he could also take it away. And I was so annoyed by it. But then I also was like, you're right. He did buy it for him. but like this is so fucking annoying and from that moment I was like I don't ever want that to happen because I actually had to go somewhere that wasn't a drive-thru and I needed my car at that time so I was of course you did of course I did you know I needed to go to the mall um so I was like I will never have that happen again I'm gonna own my shit and like that is what kind of clicked in there was a bigger message with that that was just really like I need to own my shit because nobody can take that away from me.

31:35And everything just feels better when I like, I did that, you know? And like, I don't need somebody else to do that for me. And so I've always been super independent when it's come to that. Like if I want to go to dinner, I'm going to dinner. I don't need to wait for somebody to invite me or like, no, no, no. If I want that on the menu, I'll order it because I bust my ass to do that. And I think there's such a power. And with that, everything just tastes sweeter. It feels better. You rock it better when you're wearing that bag that you got. And again, gifts are nice. and I'll always take them and I love that.

32:04So if you get that, like, good on you and amazing. However, I feel like independence gives you a freedom to live your life as authentic as you want it to be. Like, I can do things that feel right to me without any sort of hesitancy that like, oh, so-and-so might not, this may get taken away from me or if I act this way, I'll get kicked out. No, I don't want that. I never wanted that and I don't want my girls to ever do that. You will be independent, you will own your own shit and you will always have it nobody can take that away from you what you're saying is so empowering in terms of just like you can't then be that affected by anyone other than yourself right when you have that independence and I think it's so important for young women to hear because when I was dating professional athletes or rich guys in the moment it felt so like invigorating to me and I felt like alive and I felt so powerful because I was attached to someone powerful right and then if they ended it I was on the street with nothing then you feel like back at square one again and you're like but wait like what happened and you look around and you have nothing and so it's like I'm also not even talking about financial shit like if you have your own shit in terms of I know who I am I know I'm stable with my fucking confidence and my personality and you if you fucking end it tomorrow I'm still good I'm still good and I can carry on focusing on your independence recognizing your worth because then when you fucking meet someone and you're like that you're like but having your own life outside of them having your own friend group having your own places that you go to like you are so much stronger when you're like two pillars holding something up than when you're trying to like conform to one you know what I mean just like have your own life I think is so important totally and then you're stronger and then it like offers up more questions and I can genuinely be like what did you do today you know totally different strokes for different folks like again this is just how it is for me I've also seen it on the flip side where like it works they work and they have the same friends and all that and that also works I agree this is just how it works for me no and I think that's like also I love this job because I get to just talk to so many different people that it's like there is no right answer for no right anyone it's Like you're going to find your own shit, but it's helpful to hear if some people are lost or just like kind of looking for guidance.

34:27Like you have a very specific way that you view life and the way that you view your worth and yourself and the way that you like to move. My question though for you is if I think. You always know there's going to be something juicy when she like looks her head and like you're getting real comfy now. No, I just like to ask this because sometimes it's helpful to humanize people in terms of you're so confident. But what is your biggest insecurity? What is my biggest insecurity?

35:06Like my biggest insecurity is, I mean, I can be in rooms. like just recently I was in Paris and I was around a group of people that were speaking so many different languages and I was like oh my gosh that is amazing I feel like I I could be spending more time educating myself instead of doing some other things maybe if I cut down some social media I feel like I could be I could have learned another language you know like I get on myself sometimes for that for education so I'm like okay I need to work on this but then I download word of the day and I feel like okay I'm trying I'm trying um I feel like that's what yeah I mean I think every day there's like different things of course I'm not like the most confident most secure person the reason why I sound like that is because I'm a big believer of saying things and and like manifesting and words being very powerful you will never hear me say oh gosh I'm such an idiot or like oh dumb me I don't speak like that I don't ever say like I'm starving I don't ever say like like I'm very careful with my words because they are very powerful and I am a big believer of manifesting when I was doing bottle service I had a corkboard in my kitchen had teen choice awards I had Blake Lively and Gossip Girl it had a white Range Rover it had palm trees a lot of that has come true and I believe like working hard in addition to just manifesting but I am a very big believer of manifesting and there's a difference with just saying like okay I will come into success I will meet the love of my no no you need to believe it and you need to own it and if that at the beginning is called delusion then let it be because I was delusional when I was doing bottle service but when I was rocking to your table asking you if you wanted kettle on or gray goes I thought I was the biggest actress like playing a bottle service girl and I walked with that and I walked in the snow and my eyes like to my office to the bottle service place being like bottle service place to the lounge being like I own this like no not today like I was an actress and I was living in the states and I was you know I felt it so like delusional manifesting all of that I'm a big believer of saying and putting out there positive energy and so I don't know what the first thing was that you were asking me oh yeah so it may come off as being super confident secure but even like Rihanna like that TikTok that was going around where she's like sometimes you don't feel confident you just get up and you do it you do yeah and you own it and you and you have that because if you do and other people feel it then like you become that how the fuck did you become a bottle girl bottle service bottle service um it was like it I wasn't a good bartender my memory wasn't good so like bottles were easier I could like have my little thing but like bartenders it was like too many people asked me for too many drinks and I never got it right also I wasn't a good waitress like I'd forget things um hostess crushed i could always offer up a smile and take you to your table um but bottle service was just it was like fun it wasn't fun it wasn't going to it no i did it for one day and then i went to bartending dude what was like some do you have any memories of back in those days oh my god how creepy a guy slapped my ass and i was broke his arm no like i was not that person and then i charged you like crazy and I made so much money that night because that was not okay.

38:32I am not good in those situations. I'm not good being disres - like not that anybody is but that like I will not handle disrespect.

38:57I have heard through the grapevine like Kate hi um you really are such an incredible friend and I think especially when you get to a certain age like I'm not gonna say it's easy to be a in middle school and elementary school and high school but like there is something of that you're all kind of going through similar shit at that time you're all in the same environment and then when you get into your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and on like it is a motherfucker of like being selfish of your own shit being there for your friends like what kind of friend are you I would have to say I'm a really good listener I'm always there like if I hear like in high school if a girl like a friend of mine had a bad relationship or some guy did it wrong like don't ever talk to me again that guy like do not come across me I am a girl's girl I love women I really do because I just there's such a like beautiful sensitivity and vulnerability to women and I love that and I and I see it like through all ages and now having two little girls like I see it in them but then I also see the fucked up part where I'm like we're watching these Disney movies and like everything is about like finding your happily ever after with like this prince and I'm like, it doesn't have to be like that.

40:20Like, if you don't want to end up with a guy, you don't have to. Like, if you don't want to end up in a relationship at all, you don't have to. Like, I'm like constantly doing this because I'm like, hey, like she loves this princess life, which I want her to live. But I'm also like, this is kind of fucked up when I'm watching this. Like, happily ever after doesn't mean you always have to end up with somebody. It doesn't always mean you have to have kids, you know. And so I always forget what I'm talking about. What was the genuine? Oh, what kind of friend are you? No, this is great. Okay. So on the friend level, like I love my friends are my family.

40:49They are. And I have a very small group of friends. I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a lot. I love people too, but I have a very small tight knit of friends who I feel like have are my, they are my family and they've like just held me down. And why I feel like I can be the way that I am. It's because I have such a solid support group of people you know and they are there for me no matter what and I feel that they are like that because it's a two-way street like I am there for them as well and if anybody needed me like any my girl I will be on that plane I don't care I will be there for you because life is crazy and it's wild and sometimes you need me more than I need you and sometimes I need you more than you need me and so it's a beautiful relationship it's like a teeter-totter of like I don't know it's a teeter-totter like I just feel like that is how my friendship is with people women go through it in their 20s of kind of losing that friend group that maybe they had in school yeah and feeling like almost ashamed if they don't have like the big friend group and they don't have like all of like the big like can you talk about that a little bit of like the cattiness of women being like oh she doesn't have that many friends or like she doesn't because I have people writing all the time that are like I have two really good friends but I I feel bad that I don't have like this big group.

42:05No babe, you're blessed. You have two solid friends. Like no, we do not compare ourselves to movies. We do not compare ourselves to other people. You have no idea what's actually happening. A girl could have 15 solid friends. You don't know if they're all talking shit about each other. Like if you have two solid friends, that's amazing. And like own that, you know, and be thankful you have that. I have my childhood best friends. And the amazing part is that I talk to them the least out of everybody else. my best friend I talk to her like once every three months and it doesn't even matter I pick up I talk to her and she's like cool cool cool we got it like yeah she gives me what I need I give her what she and I'm like boom like I didn't even talk to her for the past three months and you do like your quick rundown like what's going on in your life and that's it I catch up I have no photos with her like it comes time to be in her birthday and I'm like I have no photos with her like we never take photos those are the best relationships when you have the best night of your life you're not taking photos you forget and that's the same thing with your friends it's like yeah but I mean I have a lot of photos with Kate so like Kate you're also yeah it's like the lowest of your friends she's like wait a minute we have thousands of photos together it's all big bitch you're on the periphery bitch you're not in the inner core but even with like my solid group of friends I go to them for different things same with like fuck title of the seven but like I have different friends that I go to for different things you know and I think that's like a beautiful thing No, I love that you said that because I just at my engagement party, like my three like best, best friends from childhood were there.

43:37And then I was talking to my friend Kristen, who has literally been there since I don't even remember what age. And I was like, I don't think we have more than like three photos together. And we do the same thing where it's like every four months we're like, hello. And I'm like, OK, go. And she gives me the rundown. Yeah. And that is like I think should be more normalized. of like you don't need to talk to someone every fucking day you don't also need to feel like you need 15 people around you because that also usually means like well who's your who's your one right everyone knows who their like best fucking friend is or their three or their four best friends i just think it's like important to normalize because like all these like i feel like women online are shaming of like she doesn't seem like she is friend of everything it's every literally everything trying to appease everybody that would be so exhausting no you're right you are happy and you are good with your life and your circumstances regardless of if they go against the norm then like you're crushing it tell me about a time that you had to end a friendship oh my god um I ended a friendship because I stopped respecting her truthfully I didn't respect certain decisions she made and I think once you lose a respect in any relationship it's over and I don't know if that's the Aries in me probably I follow this account that's like Aries facts or something and like every time they post I'm like fuck that's so true that's like I am an Aries um but yeah it sucked we were friends for a long time and it got to a point where I just kind of like you know when you're like with a guy you're dating a guy and you like see something that's so unattractive it could be anything it'd be like I don't know his hands or like hair in a certain place and you're just like and it's done you can't see it can't unsee it that was the same thing with this I couldn't and see this one part and I just it was over and I never looked back it was it it happened and you know we had a good amount of years together as friends but I had to cut it again life is too short I have a very limited amount of time that I get to spend with people and I want that to be quality over quantity and you're either in or you're out and like same thing with me you know who's to say like her life isn't better without me but whatever it's just it wasn't meant to continue yeah and that's okay yeah people come in and out of our lives it's like look at seasons that's the same thing with people like have them come in you learn different things about each other and then you continue and that's okay I love that too I feel like there's such like again stigma for women of like the bitchiness and like the friend loss and it's like I get so many questions about this all the time and I'm like if you had a great thing for a certain amount of time that gave you something in your life and vice versa and it ended that's okay that's okay because i know then like then you go to a new part of your life where you have kids and you meet friends through your kids parent and it's like you're always going through new iterations of your life and welcome it exactly like be open to it like the unknown is so exciting no i agree okay we needed advice i figured i'd be like okay let's talk about some situations hypothetical okay okay number one what would you tell someone who opens up instagram and sees the person that they're dating out partying at a club at 2 a.m and they haven't heard from that person all night i think we kind of talked about like what's your boundary like i have it you know for for us it's like hey i always just want to know when you're like safe and bad i don't need a photo i don't to facetime but like just text you know like hey just and also we have two kids i want to know like around the area of what you're doing so i can be like if anything were to happen i don't want to be like i don't know where he is like tell me the country you're in you know maybe the hotel would help i don't need to know anything else but like like i need to know certain things so it depends what your boundary is like did you set it so you're like hey i want to hear from you and this amount of times we're like is it okay if they're text you when they go to bed like what's your boundary so it depends on that I agree with you because I think I remember in the beginning of dating Matt and he was like you just have to send me a text when you get in bed like I just want to know you're alive and at home and at first I was like that's being clingy and then afterwards I was like oh wait I get what he's doing he's actually respecting have the best night I just want to know you're safe that's it I'm like what a great boundary that's it but if you're so triggered by seeing him on the internet of like stalking him again like i go back to that version of myself that's your first real red flag to be like yeah why are you so stressed yeah because that's probably you know he's actually doing something shady totally i don't have a doubt in my mind like right now with the partner that i'm with that i'm like nothing right but when other relationships i'm like i knew we always fucking know you always in your gut kind of fucking know i truly believe it if there's certain shit that they're doing i think most of the times you do what they're having the odd cases true that you're like where some people may not have and that's okay too you know then then i mean yeah that's okay too if you don't expect true but i also think it's like having the confidence and the self-respect too if this is bothering you so much tell him yeah say it it's like you're not being needy or clingy it's like if you're in a relationship and you're like hey babe it really upsets me i realize like i get so triggered and anxious when you're out and i don't hear from you think about what it is about that because just being out as a human i mean i go out i come back sometimes at two four six you know so it's like what what about that is bothering you is it that you think there's other girls there is it that he hasn't told you where he's at like like ask yourself and then have that conversation and then if there's shit that it's like well because he does this all the time and he cheated once well then okay that's right and then reassess the situation but like just being out i mean we're humans we gotta go out gotta go out and also like i love it when i'm like you go out there was like hot girl like i want you to see that i don't want to keep you in a little room with blindfolds on like every time please go out there and see it's so healthy to have your partner go out like every time matt goes out and he comes home i'm like okay tell me everything and i'm like laying in bed like hi i'm like oh what happened and he's like this person was there yeah this no x was there and like let me like even when we've been out there have been girls that have come up and been like oh my gosh she's so handsome i'm like thank you like yes absolutely because he doesn't wear a ring no and you don't also like if you wore a fucking ring does that deter anybody no deter no does that deter like no it doesn't do anything sometimes it's more attractive i'd like look go out live your life be free if you come back awesome if you don't we'll figure it out peace peace i don't have time for that anymore like okay let's say someone wants to approach their partner about an issue in their relationship that they're insecure about okay what advice would you give them in approaching this topic so you're going to someone you're like i'm fucking insecure about this i want to talk about my part about it they're nervous rightfully so but also i feel like i've had this so many times where i've been so vulnerable and like i can't be any more vulnerable like he knows and i think that's okay because the right person will accept it and take it and hear you the wrong person might run from it and then let him run it may seem like I'm like let him go let him free but also like yeah because if it's the wrong person why do you want to waste your time with them anyways dude my mom always said it and I remember in the early days of my show I would always say this my mom would always be like and at first it was friends because when I was younger my mom would always say like why would you want to be friends with someone that doesn't want to be friends with you no same thing with relationship right you're like why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you or doesn't respect you it's like well answer the you don't you don't but that's also why like my whole thing and like again love it for everybody else but like the whole concept of like we need to have a bachelorette party or a bachelor party because this is the last night of freedom like what no you can have all of those nights you want to go at timmy tony john and frank all day long you can go like i'm not holding you back that would never be the life that i live where you feel the need that like your last like i hate that dude you're so right okay we need like a little teeth okay tell us about some like drama you've ever had in a relationship all of this is like shay's got it all together no it's not no no not in a bad way not in a bad way but it's like you are you have this you have it all together right now in terms of like in my 30s how you think about shit give us your 20s give us a fucking story about Shay not having it together and a relationship in my 20s like I think in your like again it did really change for me in my 30s so I will say I feel like good now but no in my 20s all my friends would be like wait a minute Sammy will like has been there through with me through like thick and in and she knows those times where she's had to like sleep over and I'm like convulsing into a paper bag I'm like oh he did like I've had those moments a thousand percent but sometimes I think I brought them on me because I'm dramatic and wanted to experience that like I don't know if I was listening to a song and I was like I can't relate to this let's relate to this and then I'd go out and cause shit because I was like I like I'm telling you that tattoo is white not because I wanted to get it for you to see I wanted to feel it like I am that person right where I want to feel it so like I wanted to cause shit sometimes and I would and that was just me experimenting at that age so like I had so much drama in my life and I would do things that would put me in like situations where I'm like oh that wasn't fair but like let's see how it rides out you know and then that's going to be a story to tell and yeah I did it because I wanted to be able to have that story no I get that I relate to that in a lot of ways of just being like do it for the experience yeah or you're listening to a song and like you want to put your hand on the window when it's raining too and like sing out to it like sometimes I wouldn't feel that way but I wanted to so I would go and set that situation up for myself you know like it's like I did so good no that's like I relate to that and then on top of it I then started a show where I did talk about my life so I was like I need a fucked up story like let's go out I get it I think that's in a weird way i think it's healthy because then you do experience shit where you're like i don't want that i want this looking back on your single days what's one piece of dating advice you can give my listeners straight from the shea mitchell playbook oh my god something you haven't said yet to all the single ladies i don't know i feel like listen if madden like i feel so happy with the way that everything turned out because like if we had been together from the moment that I met him I don't know if I would be completely content and happy right now I would have wondered my mind would have drifted and that's not to say it doesn't drift we're humans but I got to live out a lot of it of different experiences and I had a lot of fun I loved that I thought that these were the years where I will be able to do this and you can still do it later on when you're married blah blah blah but like it was fun it was fun to go out one day with this guy and then another with this guy as long as I was in control you know like conscious control all of that it was like on my terms I loved it and I thought there was nothing wrong because I learned so much about myself through each of these relationships and that's what I loved I was like okay if I date this person I wonder how this would be well let's find out let's see how I can deal with his lifestyle let's see how I can deal being taken on you know in this way or like that like I loved learning about myself through other people I think that's such good fucking advice and we almost can end on that one of like when you are in your single part of your life it's such an opportunity to get to know yourself better and it's like there's such a pressure I think for women to like settle down and have kids and start your life and it's like just make sure that you know yourself before you pick that person and that's where like you're saying and I feel the same way of like I've gone through so many things that like I wouldn't have been able to be with my partner now had I not been through all that shit so like sometimes you have to put yourself into weird fucking situations like if you're sitting at home being like I haven't been going on dates like I've been kind of like put your like listen to Shay like put yourself out there create a scenario even if you get the fucking story it's ending up creating a better version of yourself because you're going to learn what you like you're going to learn what you don't like and you're going to be like invigorated to find the next story find the next thing for yourself so you can look back and be like holy fuck I lived it I did it and then when you find the right person there's no doubt in your mind it's the right person because you've been with so many different people in different settings I don't mean sleeping you've fucked so many people but it's like you know your shit of like I don't like that I like this and you're like you're a kid in a candy store of like you know what you want what you don't want however don't just date anybody always have that self-respect and that's why looking at my past I can say like I said besides a couple out of them I always had that respect and that's important don't just date a loser to date a loser we don't need to experience that no we always know the outcome on that but if you can go into like a respectful relationship hook up whatever with somebody then do it experience it explore it and learn about yourself now's the time is that it I don't know I feel like once we turn this off she like keeps it roll like i'm like keep rolling i know no i i do think this is in an in an odd way the thing it's like even like having two daughters i always look at it like what would i say to them i like yes talking about even thinking about that right now and they're so fuck yeah but like if you are going into a relationship and experience with like self-respect you know that that person has respect for you you are aware you are conscious you were all of that then i think there is like no harm in that you are learning about yourself through that and I love that I love I wouldn't take away the experiences that I've had and the other thing is I would never take away the experiences that my partner has had I don't talk shit about any of the people he's been with because all of those people that he was with made him the person that he is today you know and sometimes I'm like well wish you could have had a couple like you know like there's like it's so true like I never talk shit about that because thank you the last thing that I would like to say is I feel like this episode also it sounds easy but no it sounds easy and it seems kind of hard but like it really is easy where you were kind of talking about if you're not being treated right if you're not feeling right in a relationship like if you're listening to this and you have a pit in your stomach right now because your partner's doing something if you're questioning certain things if they're not acting the right way, if they're not treating you right.

58:40Like, that's it. That's your answer. That's your answer. Life is too short. And you only recognize that when you're in a moment where you realize that, which doesn't happen for all of us. But it's like, I don't want to wait for that moment. If you know when it happens to be like, oh, shit, I should have done this differently. Or why did I waste those those days or those sleepless nights worrying about this? It didn't do anything. It doesn't do anything. So live your life how you want to live it. Don't worry about somebody else because your worrying isn't going to change the outcome. It's not going to change the outcome.

59:12I can promise you that. They don't care if you're worrying or not. Live your life. Do what makes you happy and do what you love. Do what makes you happy. I don't want to waste any more days. I did that enough in my 20s, like I said. But for those listening who are in their 20s, save yourselves, learn from us, and like don't waste your days worrying about somebody else. Let them be. God bless you. What's that quote? If you love something, let it go. Let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. That's the same thing. Every day he comes home, I'm like, hey, there you are. You know what I mean? But like you don't have to.

59:46Like, hey, you're back. Like, hey, can you put her to bed? You know what I mean? But like that's how it is. And I think there's something so romantic about that. And like I always say, I think it was like Charlize Theron that said this in a quote where like if you come home because you want to not because you feel like you have to or like then you'd have to call the lawyers and do it I think there's something so romantic about that like we don't need anything else to like define our love our relationship at this moment we have two beautiful girls we are very fortunate to have the life that we live and we recognize that and if that ever were to change and we'll deal with it but like nothing that I can do or especially like signing the paper or getting the like confirms that we confirm it you confirm it in your relationship.

1:00:26And don't let societal, public pressures, parental, religious, deter you from doing what you feel is right. Shay, thank you for coming and calling her daddy. I mean, thank you for having me.

1:00:54Thank you.