In short
Podcast Notes: Call Her Daddy - "Stop Mothering Your Partner"
Episode Summary In this episode, host Alex Cooper addresses the common relationship dynamic where women find themselves "mothering" their male partners. She discusses the implications of this behavior, how it can be a major turnoff, and provides advice on setting boundaries. Alex also delves into various relationship queries, including the desire for more intimacy, how to handle disapproval from parents, and navigating dating someone with children.
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Key Themes and Concepts
The Problem of Mothering
- Definition: "Mothering" refers to a dynamic where a woman takes on the role of caretaker for her male partner, managing his responsibilities, emotions, and chores.
- Signs of Mothering:
- Constant reminders for tasks (e.g., dentist appointments).
- Taking care of chores that the partner should manage independently.
- Feeling the need to handle everything because "if I don’t do it, it won’t get done."
Implications of Mothering
- Resentment: Over time, this caretaking dynamic can lead to resentment in the relationship.
- Weaponized Incompetence: When a partner purposely does tasks poorly to avoid responsibility, leading to increased dependency on their partner.
- Decrease in Attraction: The mothering dynamic can create a parental relationship that is less intimate and sexual.
Importance of Equality in Relationships
- Healthy relationships involve a fair division of responsibilities, with both partners being able to handle their lives independently and support each other.
- The societal double standard that praises men for doing the bare minimum is highlighted.
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Advice from Alex Cooper
Recognizing Mothering Behaviors
- Self-Reflection: List instances where you take on responsibilities that your partner should handle.
- Realization: Understand that it's not your job to manage your partner's life.
Communication Strategies
- Addressing the Issue: Have open conversations with your partner about shared responsibilities.
- Use "I" statements to express feelings without blame.
- Specify areas where you need help, e.g., chores or emotional labor.
Setting Boundaries
- Stop Cushioning Their Fall: Allow your partner to deal with their own responsibilities and face consequences.
- Encourage Independence: Help them learn to manage their tasks without stepping in.
Relationship Queries Addressed
- Long-Term Relationships Without Commitment: Discussing the need for open communication about the future when waiting for a ring after several years.
- Sexual Intimacy: How to approach the topic of oral sex and ensure mutual satisfaction in the relationship.
- Dealing with Disapproving Parents: Strategies for maintaining relationships while managing familial expectations and values.
- Dating Someone with Children: Understanding the responsibilities and dynamics involved when one partner has a child.
Importance of Choosing the Right Partner
- Self-Sufficiency: Consider whether your partner is capable of taking care of themselves before getting into deeper commitments.
- Long-Term Compatibility: Reflect on fundamental differences in life stages and desires, especially when children are involved.
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Conclusion Alex emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and communication in relationships. By recognizing mothering behaviors, establishing boundaries, and fostering independence, both partners can work towards a more balanced and fulfilling relationship. Ultimately, choosing the right partner significantly impacts the health and longevity of a relationship.
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Call to Action
- Self-Reflection: List down any mothering behaviors you might be exhibiting.
- Communicate: Have an honest conversation with your partner about shared responsibilities and feelings.
- Evaluate Your Relationship: Consider whether your relationship dynamics are serving both partners equally.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I am all cozy even though in Los Angeles, currently just for context it is about um 93 degrees i'm ready for fall so i refuse to not pretend like it's gilmore girls weather um but if you start to see a little bit of sweat trickle down my face just know i am in pain but i'm in pain because i refuse to not lean into the aesthetic of fall because what the fuck sunday morning fuck this carlin do do do do do do do do every Sunday's fire this day. That was pretty good, right? Okay. So I want to talk about something I witnessed the other day that I really couldn't stop thinking about.
0:52And so I was on this little weekend getaway with Matt. Um, we were sitting by the pool. I was reading my book, eating some chicken fingers, having a little Aperol spritz like I fucking deserve. And all of a sudden, a couple sat down a few seats over next to Matt and I. They were probably in their late 20s, maybe early 30s. I don't know. I wasn't really paying too much attention to them at first. But then within minutes of laying down, the girl told her boyfriend, babe, you need to put on sunscreen and he didn't do it so she playfully kind of sat up and started rubbing it on for him now I hate putting sunscreen on people um I feel like that's a common thing but you know I was like oh maybe that's kind of cute like I don't know if I would do that for Matt no I would and I've done it for Matt but he knows like if I have fucking fake nails on don't even think about it because it's gonna get in and around there but you know what I was like all right At first, I was like, maybe it's kind of cute that she's doing that for him.
1:57But then he asked what their plan was for the night. And this is obviously a place where people are on vacation, right? Like this is not somewhere that you would be at this little like weekend resort because you live here. You're probably here for a vacation that you guys have planned, right? And she went on to remind him that first they're going to be going back around to shower at five o 'clock in their room. then they have a hotel happy hour that she scheduled and then she made a dinner reservation at a nice place in town and he was like oh my gosh fuck babe like I didn't bring clothes for dinner and literally without even missing a beat she was like yes you did I put your nice shirt in your suitcase and I brought a couple extra things in my bag for you now was I fully eavesdropping on this couple?
2:47Maybe. Yes, absolutely. But at that point I was locked in. And also I feel like that's literally the point of going on vacation. Half the time it's like people watching and getting to watch the way that other people interact. I was in fucking heaven. I was like, keep going. I'm downing my spirits. I'm hoping that they're going to get in a fight. I'm hoping they're going to be talking about family drama. Like I am, I'm elated that I have like a little bit of entertainment while I'm reading my smut book. Okay. And so I'm locked in. I start watching, I'm observing. And this man kind of like lays down for a poolside nap.
3:24And all of a sudden she sat up clearly worried about him. And she was like, have you eaten yet? Are you hungry? And he gave kind of like a little half nod a minute later, this motherfucker is snoring and she's flagging down a waiter, ordering him lunch while he's fully falling asleep. now at this point I kind of saw what I needed to see and again I could be completely misreading this specific situation but it made me realize that most likely this girl has fully turned into this boy's mother and I want to talk about this because maybe some of you are like what do you mean Alex like I've put fucking you know sunscreen on my boyfriend before and I've ordered my boy food and I pack for my boy.
4:10Yeah, maybe. And maybe this is not a, you know, parenting your guy situation, but most likely it is. And I feel this situation is becoming far too common for women. So I'm going to have a little check-in because mostly women listen to this podcast. This is a safe space. No boys are here, hopefully. If so, well, we like you because you clearly are not a piece of shit if you're listening to Call Her Daddy. My question to you guys is like, really think to yourself today. How many of you have had to remind your boyfriend multiple times to do a task that he should absolutely be handling on his own?
4:48How many times have you had to clean up after him, wrap a gift for him, or chase him down to make an appointment that he needs? He needs. Not you. He needs. Okay. We're starting to ask the questions, right? You're like, oh, maybe, maybe, maybe. Have you ever had to remind your boyfriend to just simply brush his teeth? That's a big one. That's a really big one. If that's an yes, or you're all like raising your hands, I'm going to ask you to take a seat, maybe stop what you're doing. If you have to leave work, it's totally understandable. And it's honestly okay, because we need to have a really honest conversation.
5:23Because this conversation is that you need to stop mothering your male partners. Let me set the scene, okay? I'm going to break down what that actually means and what that entails. Mothering your partner is when you stop being this man's equal and you start being his caretaker. You are managing his responsibilities, his schedule, his emotions, his chores, all things he should be doing for himself as a grown adult. And instead of trusting that he's got things handled, you're reminding him, correcting him, and basically teaching this man how to live life. and there is this mentality that you kind of start to have where you're like, okay, well, if I don't do it, it won't get done, right?
6:11Or maybe it won't get done literally at all. That's a problem, okay? Like this girl at the pool, if she didn't pack this man's shirt, this grown 30-plus-year-old man's shirt for him and slacks and pants and shoes, then he wouldn't have the right clothes to wear to a dinner, even though he knew he was going on a weekend getaway with his partner. He wasn't going to have an outfit for dinner. Right. And I think what I want to talk about today is like over time, a partnership like that can get really draining. I think we as women step in and fix situations for our partners because it just feels easier in the moment.
6:51Right. To just be like, OK, I'm going to handle this so that we don't have any issues later. We're caretakers. The problem is. Is when it doesn't just stop at one or two things, right? It's once you start stepping in and the list gets longer. And sometimes this type of behavior, it's not intentional at first, but there is a point where it starts to edge into manipulation once it becomes a pattern. When someone purposefully does something poorly, so they never have to do it again, that is weaponized incompetence, daddy gang, and it is not okay let me give you an example so your boyfriend um and you want to go on a dinner date and he says to you can you find a place like you're just so much better at finding great restaurants it may seem innocent at first and maybe even a compliment because like you're the foodie in the relationship you've got all the good spots totally in the beginning it's like oh for sure for sure but in reality if it continues to happen and you're like hey babe like I come on I'm super busy with work or hey, like, can you just pick a place?
8:00Like I've picked it all the time and he never does it. Like, let's keep it real. You both have access to the exact same Google, right? At some point, this is just him pushing the responsibilities onto you when he is equally capable of handling it. So weaponized incompetence is something that can continue to grow as the relationship goes on. Maybe he, I feel like I've seen it with people, like maybe he screws up a grocery run and now that becomes your responsibility going forward, right? Because you're just better at it. You're just better at it, babe. Can you just do it? You're just better at it.
8:33And maybe he does laundry one day and he shrinks something or he bleaches the entire colored section and it's like, oh, I guess now this is your job forever, right? And rather than to trust him to handle something because you know there's a good chance that he's going to fuck it up, you just do it yourself. And you just keep doing it yourself and you keep doing it yourself and now I kind of want to pause here for a second because I'm not saying that every couple has to split everything down the middle at times that's not realistic that's not what I'm saying I get it if actually one of you is grocery shopping more or one of you is whatever it's like relationships naturally develop a division of labor and that is totally fine that's normal that's healthy in my marriage for example when it comes to chores Matt usually does most of the dishes he actually weirdly likes doing the dishes and I actually you you can't pay me to do dishes even when I was in college my friends knew I hated the dishes so I would be doing the trash or whatever it be like I never have been a dishes girl I will never be a dishes girl that is not weaponizing competence that is just I don't like to do something but guess what I'm going to also pull my weight then in a different category right Matt does the dishes and he takes out the trash and then I'm the one who usually does the grocery shopping and I make sure we're stocked with all of our household supplies.
9:52And these responsibilities, they're obviously allowed to ebb and flow, right? Like if one of us is slammed with work and maybe we're going through something or one of us is more stressed than the other, the other then naturally takes on a bit more, right? That's what a partnership is. If you're in a healthy relationship, the division of labor feels fair and neither person feels like they're drowning and neither person feels like they're getting resentful, right? But if you're in a mothering relationship, you're taking on way, way more of the load. You're constantly doing things for him that he could and should be doing for himself.
10:36And he's letting you do it instead. I also think something I was thinking about when I was prepping for this is like, it's no secret that our society praises men for doing the bare minimum. Men doing the bare minimum, it is like, sweetie, you could be the president of the United States, babe. Oh, oh, oh, there he goes. He's taking out the trash. Like you see a guy change one fucking diaper or take a kid in a stroller on a walk. And it is like, oh my God, you are so lucky. You have such an amazing partner. He's such an amazing dad. Meanwhile, we just expect women to do fucking everything without any acknowledgement, right?
11:17There is an insane double standard that we are all, all, all very aware of. Whereas women were told to back off, you know, let the man take charge. But then when the guy drops the ball, guess who's expected to fix everything? And if we don't immediately do it, it's our fault. It's never a man's fault. It's always a woman's fault. I love having a vagina. So the point is, is like once you've fallen into this pattern of mothering your partner, it can really start to impact your relationship. Maybe you both start to feel resentful towards each other. You may be like, wait, how is he fucking resentful of me?
11:52I'm literally the one doing all of it. You're overwhelmed and you blame him and he feels like you're constantly nagging and pressuring him. But over time, having to mother someone, I want to make sure that you guys keep this in mind. It can easily become the biggest turnoff. You're also hurting yourself in your relationship by enabling this behavior because think of it. Is there anything less sexy than having a parental dynamic with your partner? Who in the actual fuck would want to rip a guy's clothes off when you know that you're going to be stuck folding them later? You're going to have to do the laundry of those clothes that you just ripped off.
12:27And he's going to lay in bed. He's going to play his video games and you're doing the household chores. Like what? And I think this dynamic, it goes beyond just physical chores. I know I'm focusing on that. Just like, you know, tasks and responsibilities. Those are the easy ones. But there is also an element of emotional labor that comes from being the parent of a relationship. You're the one who has to start the hard conversations. You're the one who has to guide you both through difficult moments. Maybe it's with family or friends or whatever. It's constantly like, what do we do, Jenna? Jenna, what do we do?
13:00And it's like, Rick, let's start with put down your fucking Xbox and let's have a mature conversation. It's always on you. You're the one who has to pick things up when he decides it's too much and he shuts down. And that, if there's women listening to this and this is hitting home, listen to me, that can start to become extremely lonely. You feel like you're not in this together because you're taking literally everything on alone and you don't have anyone to lean on. The biggest issue is that you end up honestly settling for a less than equal partner and you end up feeling drained and burnt out and undervalued.
13:41But then you just get into this rhythm as we do as human beings and you just get really used to this pattern and then you kind of almost forget it's happening and then it becomes normal to you. but please please please hear me when I say as life gets more serious you get married you are trying to buy a house you have kids not having a partner you can count on becomes more than exhausting it becomes a burden it actually eats away at your mental health and so if you're sitting here realizing holy shit I think I think this is my relationship I think I am parenting my partner. I'm mothering this man.
14:22Don't panic. I'm like, good luck and goodbye. No, don't worry. Don't panic. I'm your father and we're going to talk about it. So let's talk about what we can do, right? The first step is just noticing it. You got to catch yourself in those little moments when you're sliding into mom mode. Maybe you are cleaning up his side of the bathroom sink and you realize wait no this is his mess and this is his problem think about these motherfuckers you guys they literally wake up and they go to bed and in their head they're just like god the house looks so clean yeah I wonder why it's because of you Bernadette but like has fucking Robbie ever cleaned your side and again if that's part of your ebb and flow where like you do the bathrooms and he does the fucking garage maintenance fair but I'm but we're not talking about that we're talking about when you're literally taking on everything and he's literally deep in Fortnite.
15:16He doesn't even know how everything gets cleaned. He doesn't know how he gets food in his stomach. He doesn't know how everything happens, but it just happens. Okay. Eventually you need to start noticing this pattern and you need to think, wait, no, this is his problem. Or you're maybe on the third reminder, right? About his dentist appointment. Stop yourself because it's not your responsibility. if that fucking jackass gets a cavity, okay? You need to be like, you know what? It's okay if he misses that dentist appointment, right? Simply just becoming aware of what you're doing in the moment. You're like, oh, I'm about to do, nope, stop.
15:50Stop, stop, stop, he's a grown fucking adult. Because here's the thing, he somehow lived without you, right? Before you, somehow he got around. Let him figure it out again, right? So first step is noticing it. What you're doing in the moment, that's huge. That's literally half the battle. You can't change a pattern if you don't even recognize you're in it, right? Once you start noticing it, though, I think the next step is to actually communicate with your partner, which is somehow the hardest part of it all, right? Like when you get into a pattern with your partner, there is understandably, and I acknowledge this, this is not a problem I have with Matt, but we obviously have other problems.
16:28And when you fall into a pattern with someone, even if it's not romantic, it's so hard to break patterns, right? So communicating is usually the only way through something, but you don't need to come in guns blazing blaming him calling him a child That is just going to make him more defensive and the conversation is going to go nowhere and it's going to cause a fight So we're not going to do that. We never do that Instead you could literally say something like I have noticed that I am taking on a lot and it's really starting to overwhelm me Robbie Um, I need some help you can be direct and I also think you should spell out exactly what needs change right you could be like I need help when it comes to the nightly chores like what do you think that you could help with to kind of help take some things off my plate um or literally you could even say I'm completely overwhelmed planning our vacation right um can you can we divide up the rest of the things that need to be booked I'm really swamped and I really need your help on these things like I guess my biggest part of the advice when it comes to the communication is you need to give clear examples of where you need him to step up so there is no confusion.
17:35That should be the last time you mother him. Hi, you little fucking dumbass. I'm going to spell this out for you right now. I need you to get your fucking ass up off the couch and help me. Okay. But you're not going to say it like that. So communicating, being really, really direct in what you need. And then daddy gang, you have to step back and actually stop doing the tasks for him. If he forgets to RSVP for that friend's birthday, that's on him. If he leaves for work without his computer charger, yeah, he can drive back and get it himself. Like men are never going to let you stop mothering them on their own.
18:14They love this shit. Oh, it's cozy. It's fucking cozy. see. Ooh, she's mothering me. She's doing everything for me. Damn. I got the best fucking life ever. Why don't you throw in a foot massage while you're at it? Like this guy has it made and you're just turning into the fucking Grinch in the corner. And you're like, how did this dynamic get created? You, at some point you needed to take accountability. This is literally happening because you, why would he stop it? He's literally living at the Ritz. He's living at the ritzy. And you're just like, God damn it. The only way that they will learn is when you stop cushioning the fall and they have to fall on their fucking face and own the consequences of them being a dumbass and being irresponsible.
19:01If he can't figure his shit out, that's your clarity that this dynamic is never going to change. Right? Like when the consequences of his incompetence start to negatively affect your life, then he is probably not a true partner to you. Doesn't mean you're not madly in love with him. Doesn't mean the sex isn't great. He's not a partner, right? You don't need to stay in a relationship with a guy who is a never ending fixer upper. Trust me. I've been there. It never works. There are guys out there who actually do have their shit together. I know that sounds maybe the most crazy thing I've ever said on Call Her Daddy.
19:41Wait, men actually their shit together? Some. Some. Okay. And I do actually think that this is something you can start to recognize early on and start to kind of navigate in the early on of the dating phase, right? Like, does he remember little details about you? Does he handle setting up the next date ever? Is his apartment clean? What about his car? Does he show up on time? Does he cook meals for himself, like real meals, not a Hot Pocket, okay? Does he have a calendar? That's probably good when you're in your 30s, you know, to have a calendar. Does he know what his credit score is? Do you know what your credit score is?
20:21Those little things you can start to pick up on if you can see, oh yeah, he's a full functioning adult or is he waiting for someone else to come run his life for him? Once you're in a relationship with a guy who can really take care of himself, everything just gets so much easier, you guys. I remember when I met Matt, I was like, what's going on? No, what's going on? You've got your house, you've got a dog, you have a calendar, you communicate with your family, you remember people's birthdays, you send gifts when people have babies, you are on time to things, you're communicating when you're not gonna be on time like what what bare minimum it's the it's the bare minimum we expect from men when you've got a little weenie we just expect you to breathe and we clap why literally meanwhile women it's like backflip upside down somersault do the flip and we're like nah you're still you're still not perfect guys literally we need to start holding men to more accountability and to higher fucking standards because you actually deserve a true partner.
21:38You're showing up as a true partner, right? But in a relationship, the honest truth is you're supposed to be good on your own. You're supposed to still be an individual. You can let your partner make mistakes and be there to support them, but you should also trust that they, to a certain extent, can handle their life. You're there to be supportive. You're there for the hard times. You're there for the good times. But if you left tomorrow, like they're going to be fine, right? There is nothing more attractive than knowing the person that you are with can handle their own shit and still show up for you.
22:12What a concept, right? I remember something Matt said to me in the early days when we were getting close to engagement was, and I will never forget when he said it, he was like, I think how I knew and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you is God forbid something ever happens to me. God forbid when we have kids and something happens to me, I know without a doubt that our kids will be more than perfectly fine with you as their mother. I trust you. I respect you. I know you will be a partner that I can rely on, even if I'm not around. And I was like, knock on every piece of wood in this fucking room.
23:07Don't ever say that. But it was true. And I felt the same about Matt. I was like, I trust you with my life. When we do have kids, I know you'll still be able to show up for me. But God forbid, I know I can trust that man and can you say the same or are you still wiping his fucking asshole right so let me just tell you yeah that's another point I just realized if you're still wiping his asshole literally or figuratively when you have kids add him you have one kid no you have two because he's another fucking kid like you you literally will just take on more mothering right And I think another sign to look for daddy gang in the early stages is like, what is his relationship with his mother?
23:51Because that'll tell you a goddamn lot. If his mother mothers him and you have somehow gotten into the mothering role, this is just a mama's boy through and through. And this is someone that probably is going to really have a hard time changing. So couples therapy, therapy, that's the kind of shit because this is deep rooted since day one. If he doesn't have that relationship with his mom or anyone in his life, then like, yeah, you've just kind of put yourself into the situation and you have you have the ability to change the pattern. But it's going to be a lot of work. So the point of this little intro here is let's stop mothering these little bitch boys.
24:24OK, it's time to go find men who actually put on their own sunscreen, can pack their own damn suitcases and can actually be a grown ass adult and show up in a relationship for you and handle their own fucking shit. so daddy gang um that's it for my little ted talk before we get into questions of the week um if you want me to talk about any of this more or have any other questions about this topic i am happy to answer them but for now we're gonna take a little trip to france because i want to do a little thing called questions of the motherfucking week
25:14Okay. I tried so hard to lean into my fall aesthetic and I'm sweating. Okay. I think literally my vagina is sweating. So we're going to take off this wool blanket. Where do I put this? I'll just put it right here. It's fine. Okay. Let's answer some questions because you guys need some help. Question one. Hi, daddy. I just listened to your engagement episode and wanted to write in to you about a specific situation. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We bought a house together, got a dog, and we've talked about marriage a bit, but I still am waiting on a ring. I don't want to be the where is the ring girlfriend, but I am 28.
25:51Most of my friends are already married with kids and I feel behind. He always says weddings are expensive, but of course they are. Our eight year anniversary is coming up and he does. And if he does not propose by then, I will be crushed. How do I handle this without becoming the nagging girlfriend? Okay. So my first note is like totally fair, right? Totally fair that you're like, okay, this man clearly doesn't have commitment issues. He bought a house with me. We got a dog together. Like these are things that are showing that he is in this relationship, but eight years and no ring. listen I'm not here to put my judgment I'm saying what would work for me is not that like I agree eight years is pretty long to go without any type of like are we doing this for life or what are we doing here I do want to say though is like it seems like you want this but I always am adverse to the concept of like my friends are doing it I'm feeling behind if it's just because you're friends you always have to check in with yourself because like don't do something just because other people around you are doing it.
26:52But if this is your eight year anniversary and you're almost 28, this means that you've been together since you were 20. And I feel like when you start a relationship at that young of an age and you stay together, I do kind of see maybe how you could date for longer because you're like, we're in college and we're getting out of college. Or if you didn't go to college, you're in kind of like this after high school, you meet this person and then you're figuring out your careers. Like you're in this finding yourselves and your careers. in your life when you're in your early 20s, right? And so the thought of marriage maybe not is at the forefront.
27:25But now I think you guys have probably gotten into a situation where it has been kind of put on the back burner and you need to bring this up. It's so funny how like everything comes down to communication. And I wish I didn't have to say that for every single fucking answer, but that's literally it. Like you need to talk to him. And I think instead of feeling weird and like icky and being like, okay, I'm going to drop some hints and I'm going to look at some rings and leave my phone out while he's like peeking and I'm kind of showing him what ring I want. Babe, just talk to him. This is your partner of eight years.
27:59You trust him. He loves you. You love him. I think you need to say, hey, I wanted to have a check-in because I know we're coming up on our eight-year anniversary. I love you so much. I know that a big conversation when we did have a conversation about marriage was the stress of a wedding is expensive. And I want to have a check in of like one where you're at, just take away wedding and all the expensive stuff. Where are you at with marriage? Are we still on track? And if he's like, yes, oh, I would marry you tomorrow. Then be like, got it. So why don't we sit down and talk about our finances? It is so often it's like you think it's going to be so unsexy to talk about your finances, it is the most important fucking thing to talk about.
28:47One of the most important things to talk about before your next step, right? Before that next step that you take with this person who you're going to, I'm assuming, wait, but you bought a house together. I'm assuming you have a kind of a gauge on finances. So if finances are tight, you then need to make a decision and be a supportive partner to be like, I don't need this lavish wedding or we can wait and we could have a little ceremony and then And one day when we feel a little bit more like we're in a good financial place that we feel about, then we can have a wedding. So I think if you need to address the finances for him and if it immediately all of his worries go away because you address the finances and you're like, I would help pitch in for the ring or I am down for you to put more of the money towards the ring.
29:30And then if we want to wait for a wedding, whatever it be, you need to compromise with your partner because it's all probably feeling building up on him, him, him, him to we got to have the wedding. We got to have the ring. I literally am so stressed. I can't even think about this. If you alleviate for that for him, would that make you happy? Right. Would you be OK not having maybe some of the things that come with wedding and engagement in order to just get engaged is kind of a personal answer for me? I would be OK with it. But who knows? You may be someone that's like dreamt of this really specific ring and you don't want to compromise on that but you need to talk to your partner about it how much money do you guys have in your bank account have you joined bank accounts yet I'm assuming no since you're not married what does it look like how much do you have how much does he have you got to talk about this shit it's like hard because I think a lot of times people are like oh my god weddings and all this stuff is supposed to be so sexy and it is, but what the conversations that lead up to engagement and wedding, a lot of times aren't so sexy.
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30:34Hi babe, what's your credit score? Hi babe, what does your 401k look like? Hi babe, do you have like investments? What's your bank account? How much money do you make? What is, what are your, what is your yearly take home? What is your annual, all the stuff you need to know. I'm sorry though, that's stressful, but eight years, you shouldn't have to keep waiting. You should know. Okay, next question. Hi, daddy. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I have given him head countless times. He has gone down on me less than five times. It's bothering me that the reciprocation is not even close to equal.
31:09I don't want to have to ask him to do it, though, because then I'll be thinking he's only doing it because I asked him to. I don't think I'll enjoy it if it feels forced. But how do I go about getting a little action for myself? Dude, that is truly one of the worst feelings in the world when you are like, I want to bring something sexual up to my partner, kind of like a note I have for our sex life. And meanwhile, it's going to be so awkward if I ask him for something because in your head, you're like, oh my God, then he's going to be going down on me. And I'm trying to relax because as we all know, when you're getting fucking eaten out, you need to focus, focus, focus.
31:48If anything, put a fucking pillow over your head. You have to close your eyes. You have to get in the zone. you have to focus focus oh this is starting to feel good and if all of a sudden you open your eyes because you're like oh my god he's only doing this because I literally told him that I fucking needed this shit and he's not even enjoying himself and oh my god is he looking at my labia and he does he not like it down there and he does not like the taste and he does not like you're gonna start spiraling I totally empathize with that concept so what I think you need to do is reframe when you're asking a partner something sexually I think you could go to him and be like babe.
32:22I love our sex and I love our sex life. And something that I was thinking about the other day, I don't know why it kind of came up, but I was like, I remember it. Like, I know it wasn't recent, but I remember one of the last times that you ate me out. I enjoyed it so much. Like, you're so good at it. I have never really liked it that much before with a different partner. Maybe don't bring up the different partners. That's the toxic still in me. It's still in there guys She's still fucking down there. I still want to like but you know what I mean? I think you can bring it up Like I had such a good time like I whether I mean tell him if you orgasmed or not from it and say I Would love if we could incorporate that a little bit more because like I love obviously giving you head And I would love if like you could go down on me a little bit more because you're so good at it compliment fucking sandwich you know what I mean I get it's awkward I get it's not comfortable but the point is is like you need to tell him but you can't do it in a way that's like I always give you head and you never fucking eat me out so what the fuck bitch because then he's gonna be like oh I didn't know we were like counting um who does who what and I just think you know guys are just so fucking insecure like you got to just go about it like I'm literally obsessed with when you eat me out and I've realized like we always just kind of like go straight to fucking and I want more foreplay like I need you to eat me out I've been thinking about it I've been thinking about it at work I've been thinking about it when I'm in the shower I need you and then he'll be like okay and then I'll go downtown and if he doesn't then you have a problem because well then he's never gonna get his fucking dick sucked you know if you can't have any fun neither can he nor should he okay next.
34:07Alex, I need advice. My strict religious parents do not approve of my boyfriend. They think he is the reason I have gone astray with sex, drinking, and changing up my look. But the truth is I have already been in the process of trying new things before I even met him. He treats me well, respects me, and shares my values. The problem is my parents see him as the enemy and refuse to see the real him. How do I stay with him without completely blowing up my relationship with my family. Damn. I mean, it's so hard when you start to change and your parents are like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where's our little girl?
34:47Like, come back here. I think your parents are clearly grappling with the fact that you are forging your own path and you're becoming an individual and you're doing things for yourself and you're not conforming to what they wanted for you and have wanted for you and have kind of shown you the way when you were living in their household. And now that you're an adult, they're kind of like, we excuse you, come back here, come back here. And you're like, I actually like it better over here. I think that's a really unfortunately relatable thing for a lot of people when you move out of your childhood home or you stop living with your parents.
35:23It's kind of like you just naturally see the world differently as you should. You start to become someone that is an individual and you're thinking for yourself and you're experiencing the world and that's so healthy. I think something that you can do is have a conversation with your parents where you kind of explain to them why you're making these changes right. Like I think sometimes the problem when we are growing up is we look at our parents as the enemy, sometimes as you should, but a lot of times we think they're judging, they're judging, they're judging. And really the judgment and the comments, sometimes, I'm not saying all the time because your parents could be bigger dicks, but sometimes it's really because they're just like trying to understand because they don't feel a part of your life anymore.
36:06Your parents feel like, I don't even know her anymore. And she dyed her hair and she's doing this. Like we don't even know our baby girl anymore. And you have to have a little bit of empathy in that capacity to just meet them where you want to be met and be like, guys, I want to have an open conversation. I realize there's been so much changing in my life and I understand it's different than how you guys raised me. And I love so many things about you guys and my childhood. But as I have continued to grow into an individual, there's a lot of things that I love for myself that I know are different than what you guys love.
36:39And I want you guys to accept me for who I am. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less, but I'm also open if you want to ask questions of like who I am, because can I be honest, it has nothing to do with Gerard or whoever your boyfriend is. You're like it has nothing to do with Gerard. It has everything to do with me. It's a little bit of a dig, but I think you need to say this because they need to have more respect for you. I think you need to say something along the lines of like, I hope you guys know me well enough to know that I am an independent thinker. I'm an individual. I know who I am and I'm not going to change for a guy.
37:15All of these changes are because I've wanted them. I have autonomy over my own life. I have autonomy over my own decisions. Yes, he's one of the decisions I'm making, but it's at my own volition. I'm doing it. He is not like, he's not forcing me to do anything. You guys, you raised me in the capacity that like, I do, I am able to make my own decisions and how amazing that I have a vision for who I want to become and what I like and what I don't like. And, and I think if your parents can't meet you there and again, be slightly open to them being like, but, but what about, but what about, and you can try to ease in, but I do think at some point you just have to be like, Like I get this is going to be difficult in I'm changing from who I was when I was younger, but I want to have open communication, but I also need a lack of judgment moving forward.
38:02And hopefully they can meet you there. It's so hard though, when you become an adult and you become an adult emphasis, and then your parents are also adults and you're all like, oh my God. And it's like the Spider-Man thing where you're like, when did this happen? Where you're an adult and I'm an adult and now you have to treat me like an adult, but you're still treating me like a kid. And like, why are you treating me like a kid? Like I'm allowed to dye my hair without fucking calling mommy. And I think parents have a really hard time with that sometimes. And it's losing the control that really, really is disorienting for them.
38:30And now it's being projected onto you, but it's not really your problem. So I think one loving conversation you can ease in maybe, you know, when you go to family dinners with them, um, try to include them in the conversations and give more context of why you're doing certain things. But there's only so much you can do with parents at that age. they're gonna kind of have to get up to speed and keep up it's fucking hard um oh my god another relationship of eight years here we go okay hi daddy my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years we recently finished school and we started and we're starting our careers I'm in no rush to get married or have kids as I feel like my life is just beginning my boyfriend has a daughter and she is 10 he's a great dad and his days consist of sports and school activities but lately it feels like we are in two completely different phases.
39:19He doesn't plan anything unless it has to do with his daughter. So most of our time together is on his terms. We have disagreements due to me not wanting to be a parent yet. And I constantly feel like I'm making sacrifices for this relationship. The problem has snowballed to the point where he thinks I hate his daughter. Oh God. But in reality, I love her. Help. I am confused on how I should continue this relationship or should I be with someone in the same phase of life as me? Okay, I mean, I just wanna put it out there that like I have never dated someone who has a child. So I'm just speaking from what I think I would do and give advice in this situation.
39:56But I do wanna just clarify, like I don't have experience with this. The first thing I would just say to you is, which I think you kind of have this answer, but you need to kind of dig a little deeper before you make your full, full decision is, are you ready to be a stepmom? Because this is one of, if not the most important part of this person's life. And his daughter is, yeah, his daughter is his priority. And at that age, there's sports and there's, you know, they'll start to have crushes and there's school dances and there's activities and there's all the things. And that is a very all consuming time, I think, to have a child and you have to decide if you are ready to integrate that part into your life in a capacity that also is somewhat of a priority because the problem is this.
40:47I think you can meet people at different life stages and fall in love and have a successful relationship, but if you are kind of like adverse to a life stage that they're at and it's actually kind of really what you don't want, you really don't want kids right now. You want to be selfish. You want to go for your career, all these things, that is actually conflicting with what he is trying to do. And so I think resentment, unfortunately, is potentially going to build on both ends. He's even getting to the point where he thinks you hate his daughter. You're like, I actually love this young girl, but she's not my kid.
41:19And I feel still like a kid. I still have things I want to do. I'm not ready to be there. My worry for you is that it will get nasty in a way that you'll start to feel kind of heavy and bad about yourself because somehow this is becoming about you hating this young girl who you love but you're like I'm just not ready to be a mom like that's obviously it's not my kid I love her but like I didn't choose to have a child yet so I'm not there right and he's like but I am there and I'm a father and I take this very seriously and so I think that you have to be honest with yourself that I personally believe and again you guys can tell me if I'm wrong I believe you can't you can't just be fully in this person's life expecting to be his priority when one of his biggest priorities is also not one of your priorities.
42:03Because then that's going to be like, we have to go on date nights and her not be involved. But what if she's sick? What if he needs to stay home with her? What if at the last minute he needs to be the person that's having the after soccer practice house party? You know what I mean? There's so much that is going to dictate his life through having a child who he loves and he's loving that part of his life that unfortunately I think this is pulling you both in two different directions. I think at the end of the day, do some soul searching. It feels like even what you wrote here, you kind of have your answer.
42:34And then I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about like, also just have some closure for yourself of like, I really love you. I love your daughter. I'm not ready for that next phase of life. I feel like I'm at a different place in my life where I'm not ready for the soccer practice and the, you know, kids functions and I'm just not there. And I also want you to know, I don't blame you for being there. That's your life. That's your reality. And I'm just not there yet. And I don't want to pull you away from a huge part in your life. And I also don't want to get to the point where I resent you for feeling like I'm having to develop this part of my life that I don't want and I'm not ready for.
43:16And maybe you can just, you know, take a break, go on pause or who knows, maybe one day you'll be ready and you'll go back to each other. But right now, I think the bottom line is sometimes when you're in such different life places, love isn't enough and you can't keep trying to force it because you're going to start feeling like just pure shit about yourself and you're going to either get resentful or you're going to start compromising to the capacity that you lose yourself and you lose your dreams and you lose your wants and hopes and all the things because you're going to live someone else's happiness and their dreams and their wants.
43:51And that is not healthy.
44:09okay next my boyfriend is having issues with his appearance and gaining weight I've been trying to support him but when I do he makes up excuses for example I tell him we can go for a run or a workout and he says he's too tired or we'll do it tomorrow. I try to give him space, but if I don't mention a workout, he ends up not doing anything at all. He also eats really, really bad unless I'm there to cook us a healthy meal. I don't know what to do. Is it even my place to help? Is this a deal breaker? Okay. My first note for you, which we can get to him because I, you know, have empathy obviously in all of the things that come to like health and exercise and people being at their own pace and struggling.
44:50But for you, who is the partner in this dynamic, my advice is like, it kind of goes back to the beginning of this episode of stop mothering your partner. You're in a situation where you're trying so fucking hard to just get this guy to take care of himself and get healthy. And you are like, if I don't do it, he's not going to do it. So I'm trying to get him up. And I think it's you clearly grasping onto the relationship for to your life being like, I can't watch this anymore. I can't watch you self-destruct. I can't watch you be unhealthy. I'm also, it's not as attractive now because you can't take care of yourself.
45:29And I'm starting to feel like, what are we doing? We're on two different paths. I want to be healthy and I want to do all these things. And you're just here. And if I don't help you, then it just stays there. That's a lot to put on yourself. If someone doesn't have the internal motivation to change and to better themselves, you're not going to be able to do it. And if you do, they're going to resent you. They're going to look at you like they're your, their mother. And you're the minute you pull away and like, okay, they're going to do on their own. It's just going to fall back. It's like, you've got to let him figure it out for himself.
46:02And I get it. I so get it. You're trying to be supportive and you think that, you know, doing it with him or trying to get him, it's going to make it better. But I'm sure he's also like, I, I sometimes I'm happy when she goes out for girl dinner. So I don't have to hear her nagging me to get off the couch. Like I'm so exhausted of her trying to force me to do something that he clearly is either really, really, really struggling with or doesn't want to do. I think something you could have a conversation about, number one, is sometimes a lot of this has to do with mental health, right? I think there's a lot of times where people can get into these really big slumps.
46:36I'm not saying he's depressed, but, you know, having a conversation of checking in one just mental health wise, like how are you doing? Because I'm assuming he's not feeling great about himself, right? He's aware, the partner he's in love with is nagging him every day. And sorry, I'm saying nagging, but it's probably, it sounds like nagging to him, but it sounds like trying to be positive from your perspective. But like, he probably feels like fucking shit and maybe something's going on. So my first note would be ask him how he's doing. You know, I know this and acknowledge it. I know this has been a struggle.
47:06I know that I may also be being annoying that I'm trying to get you back. It's just because I love you and I want you to be the best version of yourself and I want you to feel good. And I also want you to be healthy so that I'm able to have a partner that's capable and taking care of themselves. And I can see how I could be coming off as being, you know, nagging you. And I want to check in like, how are you? Are you okay? What's going on? And just listen to him. Don't interrupt. Don't try to reframe the narrative. Listen to what he's saying? Maybe he's super stressed about finances. Maybe he's stressed about his job.
47:43Maybe he's going through something mentally. Maybe he needs medication or maybe he needs to switch jobs or he has a family issue or he just something, right? Maybe something is fucking going on, but you're not going to know it if it's masked by he's eating like shit and he's sitting on the couch. One, there could be a very, very big reason for that. Or two, now the other option is that's just who he is, right? Has he always been this way? And maybe in the beginning stages, you were just so madly in love that you kind of like didn't notice it, but now you're kind of starting to really look at your future with this person.
48:18And it's a big thing. You start to like, I mean, I'm literally like in my thirties, but I'm like, it is a big thing. You're like, I want to be with someone that takes care of themselves. And I'll be honest in my twenties, I didn't really give a shit. Like if I was dating a guy that was a club rat or whatever, I'd be like, woo, this is fun. And now I'm like, it's really attractive to me that every single day Matt is getting up and he's working out. It's not like he's every day lifting and bulking and going crazy, but he had told me, he was like, I have made a commitment to myself that I'm going to move my body every single day.
48:52And I think Matt's inspired by his grandmother is 101 years old. This Christmas, she'll be 102. And she walked for miles and miles every day, right? And so it's like Matt has this internal motivation within himself that motivates me. I'll be honest. I'm the one that's a little bit like, I'm going to sit on the couch and I'm not going to do anything. And he's like, come on, babe, like get up. And if I say no, he doesn't pressure me, but it's motivating to have a partner that is wanting to take care of themselves. but it I could see where it could get to a place where you're like fuck you Matt never is pressuring me Matt knows I want to do things on my own time he likes to wake up super like Matt's in the fucking gym at like 5 a.m.
49:30I'm like what the fuck are you doing you psychopath I'll go at like 7 7 30 no thank you for a 5 30 date next to the fucking elliptical like not interested so but it is attractive to have someone that is really health conscious not to a point where you're like okay, like eat a fucking chip. Like you're only eating fucking kale, like calm down again to each their own. Um, but you have to find what works in your dynamic. Right. And so I think you're clearly getting extremely unattracted to the way this person is living and it's flowing into a capacity that you need something to change. And maybe you think he needs to change, but maybe he doesn't want to, but you gotta have an open conversation about it and see where he's at.
50:12But I feel like a lot of times when you do have those type of conversations, when it does relate to this like health stuff, a lot of times it's mental. He's going through something and you're not going to be able to get pull him out of it, but you can be there to support him through it. And that is a huge difference. Next one. Hi, daddy. This summer, my fiance and I found out that we were expecting a baby. We're so thrilled, but my pregnancy has been really hard. I've been so sick that at times I've struggled to care for myself. My fiance has been a great partner to me, making dinner every night, keeping our home clean, all on top of working six days a week.
50:47I am becoming codependent on him. Every time he leaves for work, I have such intense anxiety and I don't feel better until he returns home. It's gotten to the point where I dread going to bed at night because I know that in the morning he's leaving for the day. I know this isn't healthy and I want to feel independent again. I feel crazy though. Please help. How can I get out of this codependency? Okay. Okay. Number one, I have not been pregnant before. So again, I'm kind of, I'm going off of what my friends have shared with me. This is very normal. This is something that unfortunately, I don't think that many women publicly speak about because for fear of shame, for fear of like, what do you mean?
51:31Motherhood's so fucking beautiful. Everything should be fucking perfect. It's not. Your body is going through one of the, no, not one of the, the biggest change it will ever go through in your life. You are carrying a physical human being inside of you. You are growing a new human being inside of you. Your hormones are all over the place. Your body is changing. Your identity is shifting. You are no longer just you. You are a soon to be mother. You are a pregnant woman. You're going through so much and your husband gets to get up every day, wave goodbye and walk out the fucking door. And when he shows up to work, no one knows he's pregnant because he's not, but no one knows that they don't need to know he's dealing with, you know, he doesn't have hormone things going on.
52:17They don't even, maybe they don't even know he's has a wife who's pregnant. He gets to be the same fucking Joe Schmo that he was the day before you got pregnant. And then the day you got pregnant, his life doesn't fucking change. So he is steady Eddie. He is understandably the one that you probably feel like you can rely on because nothing has changed in his fucking life except for supporting you who everything is changing for you. Right. So give yourself grace that it is okay that you are feeling like you are you're losing your mind a little bit. I have I had lunch with a friend of mine who has a new child And she opened up to me and was like, Alex, not putting pressure on you, but whenever you get pregnant, if you can get pregnant, of course, you know, knock on wood.
53:04I hope you share a little bit of this because there's no one out there that's really talking about the really kind of shitty shit that mentally you go through. And again, everyone's situation is so different. There's people that experience just pure bliss, which I have a hard time believing everything goes well, right? And then there's people that, you know, there's postpartum, there's all these things. But the point is, is we don't give women enough grace during pregnancy and also, if anything, even more after pregnancy. Once you pop out the baby, everyone's like, okay, okay, you're fine, right?
53:38You're fine. You're like, hold on. So giving you grace here, no, you should not feel guilty that you've gotten yourself into a position where you feel like you're leaning into codependency. So my advice for you would be, number one, talk to your partner. This whole episode, talk to your partner. That's literally the whole point of this whole episode is talk to your fucking partner. No, talk to your partner, sit him down, be so fucking vulnerable and open. Babe, first I want to just say thank you. I literally couldn't do this without you. You every single day have amazed me by how you are able to help me, be there for me, juggle all the things at home for me and then you're going to work.
54:20I love you. I respect you. I see you. Thank you. I need to be honest. I think I'm kind of losing it a little because I've let you do these things and a lot of the moments I've needed you to do them, but now I'm losing myself a little bit. And I think I need to take some things back, right? I need to, but I want you to like hear me and work with me here because I don't want to feel like I'm doing it alone. Like, what do you think what should I take back and like let's talk about it maybe I could take back you know um maybe I go grocery shopping or maybe I'm gonna do the dishes or maybe I'm gonna whatever it be and have him aware though not be like you're just taking it back so then he's like oh maybe she's feeling great and then he adds more to your plate share with him this is a struggle I'm going through it I need you to support me I'm thinking I can take on more I may not be able to and then I think if you are capable, therapy.
55:16I think no matter what and no matter as much as our husbands can be there for us during pregnancy. Again, I've never been pregnant from what I gather from all my friends who have gone through this. They will never understand. They will never understand. And you need to also build yourself up individually. And that I think will help with the codependent stuff where it's like you need to get to a place where you're talking to someone maybe twice a week, once a week, you look forward to talking to them. You're maybe you're journaling and you're doing something for yourself that doesn't have to do with the baby you're talking about you.
55:52How are we going to get you back on track? And I think sometimes understandably, like I said earlier, as women, we literally put ourselves last, take care of husband, take care of it. And although he's doing all the things you're feeling like you are incapable, Let's get back to making you feel capable because guess what? In X amount of months, you are about to do the fucking most impressive fucking thing and you are going to give birth to a human being. You are incredible. Do not forget that. Don't lose that part of yourself. You are capable and you've got this, but open up to your partner and share with him how you've been feeling kind of shitty and I'm sure he's going to step up for you.
56:32He seems like a fucking amazing guy, AKA ladies. Oh, this is a nice little fucking wrap up. Think about what we were just talking about. Think about that with that woman just is writing in being like, I'm struggling. My partner showing up for me. Anyone that has a little bitch boy that you've been mothering. Imagine if you want to have kids, imagine if you want to have kids, think about how hell it will be. If you are with and marry a man that you have mothered, and then you need a little bit of fucking help when you're pregnant or you have kids and you just literally have another fucking kid sitting next to you and you're alone.
57:06Set yourself up for success in the partner that you're choosing. And I was thinking about doing a full episode on how to know you have the right partner and what to look for in a partner because there's a difference between a partner and there's a difference between a husband who is going to potentially be the father to children. Like there's a lot that goes into play of your personal, obviously what you want in your life. Maybe some people don't want kids. Maybe some people do want kids. Finding a partner in your life is such a big fucking step and it is probably one of the most important decisions you ever make in your life.
57:43And so choosing that person, it should not be a rush. It should not be overlooked. And if there are already things that you are sitting in the dating phase with this person that you were like, I cannot fucking stand you or, oh my God, I have a pit in my stomach or, oh, he just doesn't make me feel good. Like my mother always said, shout out Lori, anything that bothers you before you get married is only going to get 10 times worse once you marry this person. And especially once you have kids, if you think a marriage or a kid is going to put a bandaid or fix something, it is going to make it worse.
58:24So choose the right fucking partner, daddy gang, no pressure. but yeah I can do a whole episode on that I love you guys so much and thanks for hanging out with me today I love you oh by the way our blackberry acai is now without a doubt my favorite flavor for unwell hydration and if you want to get this flavor it is on Amazon you can Amazon prime it it's fucking delicious I put vodka with it there's no vodka in here I mix it with vodka every single morning no I put vodka on the weekends into a little cup with this as my chaser and it's fucking delicioso if you don't drink or you just want something with electrolytes and hydration.
58:59This is my new favorite flavor. So go to Amazon and Amazon yourself some because yummy, yummy. Okay. I love you guys so much. I'm trying to think, is there anything else that we need to do? No, there's nothing except go break up with your not shit boyfriends if you are mothering them. Love you. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Bye.
59:33Outro Music
From the publisher
This week, Alex discusses a dynamic so many women fall into… mothering their male partner. From packing his suitcase to reminding him of appointments, she breaks down where mothering creeps in, why it’s the biggest turnoff, and how to set boundaries so you’re not carrying the whole load. Alex also talks about what to do when you’ve been with someone for eight years and still don’t have a ring, plus how to bring up wanting more oral sex in your relationship. Finally, she gives advice on dating a man with a child, and what to do when your parents don’t approve of your lifestyle. Enjoy!
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