Toxic Bootcamp

0:02What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Daddy gang, welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy. Today is going to be a solo episode, just me and you. I'm really excited for this one because I have been doing, you know, a lot of reflecting lately. And today's topic is toxic relationships. It's been something that I have been thinking about and I think, who knows, maybe especially because I'm getting married next year. and I'm definitely proud of the work that I've put in to get to where I am in my current healthy relationship. And let me be so clear, it was a lot of fucking work.

0:48Like I was not, I don't think I was like made for the healthy until I reached a certain point in my life, which we're gonna talk about today. I was really obsessed with the toxic. And now that I'm at this different phase of my life, I am able to look back at my previous relationships with a sense of clarity. And the timing of this episode just feels necessary. I feel like it's just been a month of toxic, whether it's recent conversations I've had with friends, guests on the show, like we had Madeline coming on talking about toxic relationships. We had Sierra coming on talking about it. Also just like meeting you guys out in the wild.

1:29Like I was at the grocery store the other day and one of you stopped me being like, Alex, I am deep in this toxic relationship. Like, girl, let's talk. And I'm like, oh, my God, let me get my almond milk. And then, yes, proceed to tell me. So what did he do? Like everywhere I turn, it's been a toxic fucking couple months. So daddy gang, welcome to toxic relationship boot camp.

2:08Today's episode is going to be for all the girlies and my gays. So whether you're in high school, whether you're in college, whether you've graduated or you're in the fucking nursing home, okay, this applies. I want to talk about the different phases of toxic and, you know, maybe do a little reminiscing on some of my previous less wiser days. although I hate when I even say that because I'm like some of the shit I used to do was very wise okay that shit worked in the moment okay I had that shit down to a chi and it had to be considered brilliant in the moment now I'm like what the fuck was I doing I needed therapy at 21 why was I hurting myself why was I crying in my room why did I have the pit in my stomach why was I waiting for him to text me but then being like but I'm not gonna text him because I don't want him to know that I like him like what was going on okay but I digress we're gonna talk about all this today.

3:04And I want us to have a real fatherly moment, okay? Because there, and I said this recently, there does come a time in life when the toxic just isn't cute anymore. And I think some of us may need a wake-up call. I want to talk about how toxic begins as a fun game in college, how we end up staying with it post-grad because it's easy and like I'm not gonna stay with him forever but like it's working and like I like his friends and like how we normalize it and we get stuck in a situationship maybe we even fucking move in together and then ultimately the scariest fucking one is you marry the fuck boy who we told ourselves it was just a phase that is fucking that's a sin okay that's a sin to do to ourselves daddy gang let's take a little trip back in time to a place where the toxic thrived and roamed free for me okay this is where I was peak toxic college and by the toxic like I'm talking about the little fun games the calculated games that you play daddy gang I'm talking about fucking reverse uno card flipping the script and finessing the fuck boy.

4:25You know, I've talked about it from day one. Leave him unread. Fuck with his emotions. Flirt with his best friend. Fuck his dad. Give him mixed signals. Play hard to get. Fuck his brains out. Ghost him. Poof. Goodbye. Yup. Just leave. Get lost. Goodbye. You go off the grid. You fucking died, bitch. Okay. You purposely ice them out. You don't respond for a few days. You fuck his world up. No words, no nothing. You're just gone. And for absolutely no reason at all. Like you had a great date. Your sex was insane. You fucked his brains out. Perfect timing to ghost after a great fuck session. Goodbye.

5:00You will never hear from me again. And he asks you, Hey, what happened? Why didn't you respond the past two days? He reaches out. Do you know what I respond instead of being like, because I just want you to like me. And I know that if I text you after we fuck that you're going to blah, blah, blah. No, you know what I would say? If he texted me like, yo, where have you been the past two days? I would reply, LOL, stop being clingy. chill. What are you up to? The wiener shrinks to zero. And it was fun because historically, straight white hetero fucking men have always been the ones in positions of power.

5:32Okay. So I'm not going to go and lie and be like, I didn't enjoy it. I fucking loved it. And I know some of you are like, definitely like, goddamn, this sounds exhausting. Let me be so fucking toxicity. But daddy gang, I hope as we reminisce, hopefully you guys aren't like, we love it. Keep giving us more advice. No, daddy gang, daddy gang. I hope you see where I'm going with this is like, if you elect to tango with toxic, if you decide to play the game, you have to completely shut off your emotions. Feelings don't exist. Nope. What are those? Never existed. And in my college years, which is why I do want to talk about toxic and normalize it a little bit, like, I fucking loved it.

6:28I live for this. This was so fun. It was exciting. It was acceptable. Like, college and your early 20s are a time in your life where the stakes are so fucking low. when I'm talking about finessing a fuck boy and engaging in the toxic it's fun because at this point in your life the advantages honestly outweigh the disadvantages like I'm not actually trying to date this person to be emotionally fulfilled you are going at it so that you can get invited to the party so that you can be at the coolest event so that you can get into their friend group so that you can you know the chase like the chase is so fucking fun at that age because that's what that phase of life is about a real relationship takes work and commitment and in college I don't fucking want that it's I know it's on surface level but like if you actually think about high school and college and a little bit out of college it is all about social equity and it really has nothing to do with the emotional aspect at this point in your life in college if I can be super honest and real with it I guess I'm basically saying like the toxic in college is the way to go like which sounds fucking crazy, but it's like in college, the nice guy with the 4.0 isn't really who you want.

7:46And no offense to Trevor and Daniel and Craig and Gustav over there hitting the library, getting their books ready to go. Like, I'm sure they're going to graduate with honors and a fucking six figure offer working in some lab somewhere. Okay. But it's like, I'll see you. I'll see you later like I'll see you soon like take me on a date when I'm like 26 like you know what I mean like and let me be so clear if you are still going strong with your high school boyfriend your college boyfriend he knows your mom he brings you flowers he gets you Tiffany necklaces with in the shape of a fucking heart he brings you anything you ever want he opens the door your family loves him your friends are obsessed with him you guys are couple goals and you want to marry him and live happily ever after.

8:35This is not the workshop for you. We love you, bitch. You're thriving. Keep thriving. This is not for you. This is for my fucking toxic hoes, okay? The ones that are like, Alex, how do I get the frat boy that treats me like shit to be in love with me? This is for you guys, the ones that love to have that pit in their stomach, but you don't know why. The ones that can't stop going back to people that treat them like dog shit. this is for you I just don't think it's listen I also want to pause again why I'm actually saying the toxic is okay in college and in our early 20s because it's like I don't think we're actually ready to be a good partner like I know I'm like oh my god like I'll be nice and answer you in text like the fuck am I gonna give him back you know what I mean it's like it's not I don't think we're fully formed in a way that we can be even in the healthiest relationship because who the fuck is in love with themselves in their 20s who loves themselves at 18 19 20 21 22 23 like you we hate ourselves at that point we're trying to figure our shit out so I would just say I really think that you're meant to fuck up and you're meant to fuck around so I guess my if you're in college right now or you're in high school you're a little out of college I would say keep it up keep it up you finesse the fuck boy you have your fun you play the games and for the most part there's really not going to be any major consequences you know what I mean like maybe there's a couple sleepless nights waiting up for them to text you or maybe even a tear or two but just never fucking sob over a fuck boy let me just be so clear you never actually like you can let it soft here and be like damn like my worth has been compromised by this fucker we never sob and when we say we I say I did so now I'm telling you you don't because I did enough crying for us but and here's the big but and what's weird is like it sounds like it's sad but it's actually amazing but you'll know the time that you're ready to graduate and I don't mean fucking college I hope you do okay don't fail out by sucking so much dick you like can't make it to class okay daddy gang when you graduate, it's basically when shit starts to just get a little bit realer.

10:51You get your first real job, right? You graduate and you move to a new city and all of a sudden you find yourself talking to another fuck boy because this is your norm at this point. This is what you're familiar with, okay? And in your mind, you're like, it's all temporary. You know, this is still never supposed to go anywhere. You know that. He knows that. We all know that. Right. And listen, I get it. So much is changing in that period of your life when you go into your early 20s and you're on your own. It can be a little overwhelming. I mean, again, if you think about it, suddenly your entire schedule changes, your expectations change, your friends all disperse and move everywhere.

11:37You're thrown into brand new situations. You're having to navigate a real job. It's a lot. It's so much that having something familiar, even if it is a fuck boy, can be really comforting. You're like, I know how to do this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do the job. I don't know how to do like paying my own fucking rent. I don't know how to do, but I know how to do this. So you stay with the toxic, a copy and paste situation, because it's what you know, and it's easy. And at this point, you're so used to it. Let's discuss what toxic looks like post-college and into our 20s because it really is not the same thing that we were just discussing earlier okay you're now stuck in a situation the games are no longer cute at this point in your life your mindset has to shift your time and energy is so fucking valuable daddy gang.

12:40We aren't about to look up and realize we accidentally wasted our fucking twenties waiting around playing pointless fucking games with Brad and fucking with people who are so fucking toxic that make us feel like shit that are exhausting us. Well, I want to spend time on my job. I want to spend time on my relationships, my friends. I barely get to see them. Like you want to spend time on shit that makes you fucking happy, that actually fucking fulfills you. Not on still playing the fucking game of like, is he going to text me? I'm in a way. Oh my God. he treated me like shit we got drunk he wasn't being nice you know what I mean you don't need to constantly feel like you have an emotional hangover because you were either up all night arguing with your partner or you were unable to sleep because of how heated things got I can't tell you how many nights I had like that sometimes I would also say and even as I'm saying it I'm like oh the screaming fights sometimes the worst is when you don't even fight like you just get to the point where like you're just you don't even talk you don't even talk about it you're just like you know in your gut you feel sick to your stomach going to bed you don't know how to get out of it but you're just like I hate this I hate this and what I wish you would realize and I know it's fucking shitty to say but like no you hate this version of yourself you can hate them hate them all you fucking want it doesn't matter you're in control of your own fucking life you hate this version of yourself you hate that you feel so fucking shit that you're like why is it this fucking hard why is it this hard and when you don't fight that shit is when it's like that's bleak when you don't eat like you're just sitting on the couch together you don't even fucking like each other at that point but it's like we put in work and I would say on the occasion that you do argue because it fucking happens I fucking argue with Matt it shouldn't become a screaming match with name calling or getting to the point where either either of you are saying things to purposefully hurt the other like if you're in a disagreement or upset by something that your partner did you should feel safe enough to bring that up to them I was scared shitless for so many fucking years to do this because I thought it meant they would just leave like I couldn't I couldn't talk about my feelings but it shouldn't be that you're nervous to address things with your partner because they will belittle you or make you feel dumb or just brush it off as like that's fucking insignificant what the fuck are you talking about that happened to me so often that I just stopped speaking up in two relationships I had that were quite toxic like I just lost my voice because I was like if I say this then he'll leave and I our lives are so intertwined like how would I leave so like I'm just gonna like cry in the shower and get in bed and pretend like everything's fine no daddy gang you should feel like your emotions and what you want and need actually fucking matter obviously no relationship is perfect and I'm sitting here like in probably like the first fucking healthy relationship of my life so I'm trying to just like pour anything I've been like feeling like whoa we do deserve this daddy gang like I'm just trying to share with you guys some like awesome things I've learned of like wait this exists like we you guys we don't have to feel like shit all the time it's just there are just some things that we shouldn't have to put up with or settle for I want better for you daddy gang and I want you to want it like I want you to actually get to the point where you actually feel like yeah damn this is actually like just embarrassing at this point like I deserve better like he's treating me so shit like bye like you won't hear from me again like I'm so done with you like why give someone this power to make you feel this way but you have to actively make the decision that you aren't gonna put up with this shit anymore I remember my mom literally I was like okay thanks mom but my mom was like I didn't know if you would ever like find a healthy relationship like Like it was really toxic for a really long time.

17:00And when I look back, I think it says a lot about how I felt about myself. I think I was just like addicted to the chaos because I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I felt like the more work I had to put into something, the more they liked me. Like I felt like it shouldn't be easy. If it's easy, they don't like you. Like I thought there had to be fights. I thought there had to be arguments. I felt like I had to feel lightly and secure. That means I'm alive. That means I'm like attracted to them. I like them. Like, I think going from when I was younger and like just craving boys attention to the point where I just felt like so unlovable and so unseen.

17:38Like, I just felt so like I was always the last one picked in middle school. Like, and I know I'm literally talking about middle school now, but like that fucks with you when you're like, no one wanted to touch me with a 10 foot ball. Like literally no one wanted to feel me up. Like I didn't have anything to feel up at the time. Like everyone's like doing seven minutes in heaven and like no guy ever was wanting me. I was always just like the like awkward, like ugly, funny friend. And I think that definitely influenced me that like when I went through puberty and I started to like feel better about myself, I think as much as I felt better about myself, it was just my looks.

18:12Like I didn't feel better about myself inside. So I was constantly pining for like boys validation and attention. And it led me down this really weird path of like constantly putting up with bad shit. But then it was like the thrill of them arguing with me, like having a guy like what I thought was like fighting for this, like us screaming and then coming together in the morning. Like I actually felt like my worth was like, I finally found someone that cared or that like I was like in something like I had watched my friends be in. And it's like, that's just not, that's not correct, Alex. That's literally not what I deserved.

18:49But I put myself through it because I was just happy to be getting attention in the first place. And I think as I've worked on in therapy, like I think the reason of like the athletes and being so into like the status, it was just more like I started just climbing this ladder of like okay now that guy's like me what's the best I can get and who's the hottest I can get and what's the coolest I can get like what's the coolest party I can get to it's like I never actually felt overly fulfilled in these situations it was just like healing this inner thing of me of like getting validation and like get have being seen by people and the bigger the rooms got the more I was like I felt fucking alive but emotionally I was so fucking cut off I was so much more interested in the material shit that I think it's even crazy like when I sit on call her daddy I talk so much now I think about like emotional intimacy and being aware of how you feel and how you treat people I just didn't think that way when I was younger and I don't think a lot of people do because like what what the fuck no one teaches us to do that shit it's just like go get your grades go get your shit done get a fucking job move into a city find fuck it's like no one's like hey how are you feeling and I think had I actually stopped and asked myself that in the middle of all of this I would have been like like fucking shit I feel like I'm just someone that's like going wherever I can get attention and I'm like seeking out validation in ways that it's for 30 seconds it's so quick I would get that validation and then I would fucking fall back on the floor and have to get myself back up and I think I I love that feeling of like get it again find it again it was this like repetitive cycle and I feel like a lot of women I think specifically do this is like we can't we're never satisfied with just being good with ourselves we need the male validation we need them to think we're pretty we need to put on makeup if we leave the house we need to have cooler outfits than certain girls it's like it you just go down this spiral of like because we why wouldn't we we've literally been taught like if you look this way you're gonna get the better job you're going to get.

20:54You're going to have better friends. You're going to do the cooler group. You're going to get in to the sorority or the soccer team or whatever. Like you're going to be cooler. You're going to be liked. You're going to be loved. And then it hits you at one point. I don't even know when it hit me. It just hit me of like, I love, I love myself. I love myself now. I didn't love myself then, but I'm like, who cares if she has a cooler outfit or she's prettier or she gets the guy. Like, am I happy? Like find my happiness.

21:38So daddy gang, imagine this. Ready? You've been hanging out with this guy for a while. you're broke you're lonely one thing leads to another and the next thing that you know the toxic guy that you start dating in your 20s all of a sudden you're living together I get it I've been there sharing rent with someone else is financially easier maybe none of your friends live in the city and you don't want to live alone or you were always spending nights at each other's places. So it just made sense. Let's just move in. It's perfect. Let's move in. It's easier. We love a little discount. We love a little come together moment of like, you take this.

22:23I'll take this. Oh, you go get the bath stuff. I'll get the trash up. Like we can totally optimize our relationship financially. Let's just live together. And we rationalize with like, yeah, I get it, Alex. I might be living with him, but like still don't worry. Like I know in my heart like he's not the one this isn't going to be long term like this isn't forever like but this is what I would call sliding daddy gang you're making a decision without any real thought without considering all the implications and just going with what's easiest in the moment you're sliding into living with someone because logistically it makes sense or it's the easiest decision in the moment but it can really end up fucking us up down the line like think about even just saying that you're in a relationship where in your gut you know that person's probably not right for you but you're sitting in this city and you're like the next step is to move in together maybe it will get better when we move in together no it won't no it won't no it gets worse it all gets worse the more invested you get it just gets worse let me be so clear I moved in with my toxic X Slim Shady immediately after graduating college.

23:39It was in New York City. I was living with him, which meant I would have a 1 ,000 times nicer place than I could have ever gotten on my own. Better furniture, better food. I wouldn't have to spend everything I made on rent. Do not get me wrong. In the beginning, it was so fun and so exciting, but living together ultimately made it so much harder to leave a toxic situation. It had fully come to light, which I have talked about just a couple times, only a couple times, just a few, like only a few. I would say three times maybe tops on Call Her Daddy. It came to light that Slim Shady was a fucking serial cheater, okay?

24:23But I was stuck. I couldn't immediately leave him because where was I going to go? and how was I going to do that? Financially, it is expensive to get out of a lease and start fresh, daddy gang, or even get a fucking lease, okay? You can't just get one the next day. So the point of this, daddy gang, is I just want to have a moment of honesty with ourselves right now. Are you staying with your current partner because you want to or because it's easier? Like, really pause and think about this. Close your eyes. If money wasn't a factor, you were given the funds to break the lease, move out, furnish the place on your own, and be completely okay with rent bills, would you still stay?

25:19Are you staying because you want to or because you just split the price of a new sofa or there's a few other options here okay are you staying because you're part of his friend group like fuck living together maybe you guys don't live together but you've been in this relationship for a couple fucking years are you staying because it's comfortable are you staying because you're afraid to lose his friend group are you staying because you feel like you can't find better you can literally fucking slide into marrying someone you can slide into having kids with someone guys like it fucking happens and I think especially for women the societal pressures of age and timeliness like these timelines creep up on us and we panic and we grab the fucking closest person standing next to us because we think well this has to be it like what else what else am I gonna do I'm I'm fucking 30 I'm 32.

26:15I'm 33. Like I'm, I'm 26. Like depending on where you live, like in the South, it's probably like you're fucking 22. Why aren't you pregnant? Why aren't you? Because I think at that point, if you've never experienced anything, but the toxic daddy gang, you're going for it. You're just going to fucking accept it. You're going to be like, I guess, well, they're all fucked. I'm telling you, I'm telling you as someone who was drowning in the toxic for years, it's not it it's so not it I recently met a daddy gang member at um the unwell after party we had an after party after my fiance's movie that we were hosting in New York City and this girl came up to me I could just tell like I was like let's go what's going on talk to me like come here and she comes over to me and she whips out her phone to show me the texts with her boyfriend also which is just like why I love daddy gang like we just get right into it she's like okay bitch here's the photos like here's the pictures like here's the text like this is the shit like it's how long we've been together and she's showing me these texts that were really upsetting to read honestly the bar we were at was in um a basement and essentially no one had fucking cell service.

27:31So her boyfriend demanded that she walk outside every 15 minutes to check in on him and continuously apologize for going to an event with her girlfriends. And for context, I asked, has there been history of cheating? And she's like, no, this is just the dynamic in the relationship that if she, only she, if she does anything without him, he will call her a whore and a slut and assume that she's probably cheating on him. She also told me that when she was getting ready to leave and walk out the door, he looked at her and was like, of course, that's what you're wearing tonight. Insinuating she looked like a whore.

28:19Daddy gang also just like give you the visual. She was wearing a V-neck t-shirt. Just a V-neck. Can you fucking imagine every time you go to dinner with your friends, every time you go to the gym, every time you take, look a little fucking hot, you're going to your hot girl walk. I don't fucking think so. Bag over the head, baggy clothes. You're not going around the block unless you look like a piece of shit. Like imagine constantly checking in and having to make sure that what you're wearing or what you're doing isn't threatening to your partner. It is just not fucking it, daddy gang. Like when I talked to this girl, I could see in her eyes, which was so upsetting to me, like she knew, she knew it was toxic.

29:01And I kind of said that to her. I'm like, you know this, you know this, what's stopping you from leaving? I was like, do you guys live together? She was like, no. I'm like, perfect. Why then? And I'll give you the answer because when I, it's a really sad answer. But when I was in my own toxic era, what I found is that you almost get to the point where you stop doing things that you want and stop living your life. And this is like the most fucked up as I think about it. Like you stop doing things that make you happy because you would rather just not go than engage in a fight. You stop going to the girl dinners.

29:47You stop going to the group workout classes. You don't go to your close friend's birthday if he can't come. You just basically stop doing things independently unless that person can be there because you don't have a life essentially anymore that exists with like not within that person's guidelines because you're exhausted. You're just like, I don't want to hear that. Like, I don't want to, I guys, sorry, I can't go to the bar tonight. Cause in your mind, you're like, I don't want to hear it from him. So circling back when I asked her what was holding her back from leaving. And she said the time that she's invested so far in this relationship, she's like, won't all the effort and the fights and the sleepless nights have been for nothing if I just leave?

30:37Like, I feel like there's got to be a way. There's going to be a breakthrough. There's going to be... No. No, daddy gang. First of all, it abso-fucking-lutely won't have been for nothing. Even worse, that will be your future because those fights and the sleepless nights, they're not going to fucking just magically stop after you hit a certain anniversary or you get married or you have kids. Like, it's probably going to get fucking worse the longer that you're in it. And before I make this next statement, I just want to be clear. Like you can leave a relationship at any point in your life, no matter how much fucking time you have spent putting effort and energy and love into that relationship at any fucking age.

31:30You can start over whenever. but this girl that I was talking to was only 24 years old like her sitting there being like he won't let me wear that I'm like girl you're fucking 24 run for the fucking hills get the fuck out and start over you have so much life ahead of you and I know sometimes it doesn't feel like that daddy gang I know we can feel older than we are a lot of the time but this is when you really need a reality check moment because ultimately this isn't even about age this is about your fucking worth I don't care if you're 65 right now sitting there and you hate your husband he is such a fucking asshole to you you have not felt good for 30 fucking years your kids are out of the house you're now with him and you're listening to this and you're like I fucking hate him like start over I know there's so much complexity that comes with this but it's like we're literally fucking here once I hate when I have to say that because it's like so corny but it's like we got one shot you fucking deserve better and I know that leaving something toxic is so fucking difficult especially if manipulation and abuse are involved I don't ever want to fucking downplay that but if your answer as to why you're not leaving something toxic is that you're 24 years old and you're worried about starting over again.

32:57Or if you're 65 years old, you're worried about starting over again. No. Nope. Try again. I refuse to let us accept that, daddy gang. We're no longer accepting it. And I think take it from someone who was so fucking deep. Someone who was quite literally addicted to the toxic at one point and also someone that was quite literally like, it all looked pretty good. The penthouse and the money and the things that he was giving me, it all, it was like, how am I going to restart? And where am I going to live? When you get out and you have distance from it and look back, I promise you, show up at my fucking door and tell me if it doesn't happen because I fucking promise you, If there's one thing I can ever fucking promise on this fucking show is the realizations are so fucking shocking.

33:54And I promise you at one point after you leave, it fucking becomes hard to believe that that was something that you once tolerated in your life. Because let's be fucking real. Obviously, I'm not trying to downplay it. No breakup is fucking easy. None. And there's going to be the mourning process and the adjustments and the moments of doubt and maybe even an urge to go back. I want to normalize that. I see you. Trust me. I went back multiple fucking times. The toxic can fucking do you dirty like that.

34:32But it's like once you do cross that threshold and I know it's annoying because everyone's timeline is going to be different. like some people can get over it in the first couple months some people it's going to take a year like I can't tell you when but when and you will just fucking feel it because you wake up and you just feel fucking lighter and you just move differently you're more fucking confident you actually like being by yourself you start rekindling old friendships that you may have neglected during your past relationship you speak up in work situations now something maybe that's been bothering at work, you're like, I'm going to advocate for myself.

35:13And you just find yourself doing that. And maybe you finally have time to try new things that you've always wanted to fucking do, but you couldn't because a fucking toxic relationship is toxic for a reason. It's fucking draining and it takes all of you to be in it. I feel like I'm starting to sound like an advertisement. I'm like, okay, well, daddy gang, getting out of a toxic relationship may have the following, but no limited to effects of blah blah but what I can say is when you leave your life will have the effects of joy I just want you guys because I feel it and maybe that's why I'm so passionate about it because I've like literally like I've said lived it it's like get excited to learn who you are outside of the fucking toxic get excited to rediscover yourself you see people mistake the intense emotions that come with the highs and lows of toxic as love I was one of them and I kind of understand that because the movies and the songs and society as a whole, it makes us, it really does make it seem like love needs to be this really intense fucking fight that is just a motherfucking battle.

36:19They make it seem like love has to like, honestly be like low key scary. And this giant fucking roller coaster of emotions all the time, all the time, you need to feel the thrill and you need to feel nervous and you need to feel excited. And if you're not like feeling these feelings, then you're fucking dead inside and it's a safe relationship and it's fucking boring and move on. But I am going to let you in on a little secret today. As corny as it sounds, when you feel loved, you feel safe. You feel secure in your relationship. and I'm not saying you feel bored boring and safe are not the same thing and I think that has gotten like really fucking mixed up on social media like people make it sound like if you're in a safe relationship look inward like you're you're there's probably not that spark dude it that's just not it when I say a healthy relationship a loving healthy relationship it should make you feel safe I mean that you're not fucking constantly on eggshells you're not always worried they're gonna freak out or just straight up leave the relationship you're not stressing that they're fucking cheating that they're being shady you're still excited by the person you're still attracted to them you still want to keep it fun and spicy and like have crazy fucking fun sex.

37:54I'm just saying that the constant pit in your stomach and never ending anxiety, that is not fucking love. And trust me, that isn't what you want for yourself in a relationship, daddy gang. It's time to want more for ourselves. And it's time specifically for you listening today, because I feel like I'm like, girl, I'm looking in this camera looking at you. it's time to fucking want more for yourself it's on you at some level like I said stop putting up with it start changing your ways and maybe some of you have been out of the dating game for a while because you're like I just go back to the same thing every time okay so try different things go on dates go out of your comfort zone don't go for the type that you've always dated like try different fucking things because you will be surprised like I remember when I met Matt I know I've said this, but like I literally had only dated like athletes.

38:50I had never dated someone in my industry. And I'm like, now I look back, I'm like, why didn't I date people in my industry? Like maybe they would have respected my job. Like maybe they would have, you know, like been like, oh my God, like you're so talented. Like that's so amazing. Like show me the episode. Like I'm so excited for it. Like I dated men that were so intimidated by my success that literally made me feel like I couldn't, I couldn't succeed. Like I should make myself smaller because it would intimidate them or they didn't want that. Or it's all about them. Like it's just, if you look at your patterns, start to recognize you can break a fucking pattern.

39:31It just takes one person to shift you out of it. Sure. But really it's not just that one person, it's you so daddy gang I fucking love you like I said the toxic when you're young it's fun but don't let it go so far to the point that like that shit is just who you are and that's just what you become and that's just what you settle for because it's a lot fucking different getting that thrill of not getting the text to a college party instead of not getting that fucking text when you have three fucking kids at home and he's not answering you and he's fucking someone else there's a big fucking difference in that timeline so really be cognizant of when and how you're about to try to start shifting into a different phase of your life don't fucking let it creep up on you because that shit it's toxic for a fucking reason like sierra said the other week toxic can fucking kill you okay i love you Thank you.