10 Do’s & Don’ts to Stop Emotional Fireworks & Meet Sensory Needs #495

0:00Kirk Martin:So I'll just confess, we've spent our whole lives never really being pajama people until we tried cozy earth bamboo stretch knit pajamas. Now we can't wait to finish dinner so we don't feel guilty slipping into these heavenly soft, silky smooth and cooling cozy earth PJs. Instead of just throwing on an old t-shirt, man, slipping into these cozy earth bamboo pajamas has become the highlight of the night. They're breathable and light and temperature regulating. So you never wake up feeling overheated. It's always just right. And that relaxed drapey fit moves with you all night. But then you wake up and you still feel kind of put together enough to answer the door in the morning.

0:41Kirk Martin:And you'll want to linger in them over your morning coffee or all day if you work from home like we do. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for up to 20 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for up to 20 % off on home and sleepwear at CozyEarth.com. And please tell CozyEarth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. Eliminating unknowns and surprises to the schedule are two of my favorite strategies to counter anxiety and meltdowns. Many families use Skylake Calendar to visually display each child's schedule in different colors so kids can see their schedule at a glance. Skylight Calendar is a Wi-Fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with all your calendars and visually showcases your family's schedule on an HD touchscreen.

1:31Kirk Martin:You can manage events, chores, and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours. Try it for 120 days and if you're not 100 % thrilled, you can return it for a full refund. No questions asked. Families are better when they're working together. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. That's myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's myskylight.com slash parenting. Back to school time can be daunting for everyone and especially overwhelming when you have kids like ours.

2:15Kirk Martin:Whether you're continuing a year-round rhythm or gearing up for a brand new curriculum, iExcel is a simple way to bring structure, confidence, and progress into your homeschool routine. Here are three reasons I think you'll like iExcel. It saves time and hassle. You don't have to dig through endless resources. iExcel is organized by grade and topic, so you can jump right into what each child needs. iExcel helps your kids learn according to their learning style, So that means there's lots of interactive games and step-by-step video tutorials. Plus, you get real-time feedback and progress tracking, so you know exactly where your kids stand and what they need to work on.

2:53Kirk Martin:Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iExcel now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an iExcel membership when you sign up today at iExcel.com slash Kirk. Visit iExcel.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. so it's almost the fourth of july here in america so that means fireworks and that means your sensory kids are going to melt down if you take them to see fireworks and then there are going to be fireworks among spouses as you argue over this so how can you help kids with sensory issues how do you put out the emotional fireworks in your home that is what we're going to discuss on today's very action-packed episode the calm parenting podcast so welcome this is kirk martin founder of Celebrate Calm, you can find us and our big summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

3:42Kirk Martin:It is 4th of July in America, and that is when we celebrate our strong-willed colony rebelling against the authority figure almost 250 years ago. And then we wonder why we have so many strong-willed kids here. By the way, Australia. I love our Australian friends. We get so many orders of our programs from Australia, and I think that means you have a lot of strong-willed kids over there. So let's jump into this. I want to give you 10 do's and don'ts for putting out the emotional fire in your home. And then I'm going to add a little section on sensory issues because we had 1500 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum, neurodivergent kids in our home.

4:18Kirk Martin:And we have plenty of time back then to practice what to do and what not to do with these kids. Plus, we've got Casey. Okay, meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They are. So do you have a plan to put out the emotional fire because a real firefighter, you got a plan. You don't just show up to a house burning, be like, what are we going to do now? So I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting, it's going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless as you pour fuel on the fire. It doesn't have to be this way. So number one, you already know this, do not react.

4:55Kirk Martin:If you react to your child, you have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons and that's not their issue. It's your issues because you have too many buttons to push. And that creates a lot of instability because your kids aren't supposed to be in control of you. No blame and guilt. But if you react by getting upset yourself, you're actually just pouring fuel on the fire. It escalates things. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not.

5:31Kirk Martin:I can help you. See, that builds trust. That begins to take away a lot of that intensity and tension in your home when you can stop reacting and put out that fire. Number two, do not give eye contact. I know other people advise you to get down, look your kids in the eyes, and reassure them that everything's going to be okay. But that usually backfires with strong-willed kids. when kids get upset they throw things they say disrespectful things and they immediately know it's wrong and they get embarrassed and that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes reinforcing the shame and that inflames the situations more nobody wants to be looked at when they're upset and out of control whether they're four or 44 and that really sweet reassuring tone actually sounds patronizing and like you don't know how to help your child.

6:24Kirk Martin:So I don't give eye contact when kids are melting down or misbehaving. I save my eye contact for when kids make good choices. And then I use very short affirming statements of fact. Hey, really good choice. Hey, love how you walked away from your brother. Fist bump. Hey, shows me you're growing up. short and sweet good eye contact but when kids are upset I use motion changes of motion no eye contact hey I can tell you're frustrated if you want to grab the football I'll meet you outside play catch I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with hey if you want to dump legos out on the floor I'll help you build a spaceship hey I forgot something at the store if you want to meet me in the car in three minutes because I like the specificity hey we'll drive up to the store grab a snack on the way back walking driving next to each other They're building with something, coloring.

7:15Kirk Martin:Then you're not staring them in the eyes and escalating. Number three, do not try to reason with your child. It won't work. When you say, use your words, honey, your Strongwell kids are going to use some words that are really inappropriate. It's fruitless because you can't process language when you're upset. But we also don't want to dismiss their concerns because no one likes it when your spouse says, oh, honey, it's no big deal. there's no reason to be upset you're just overreacting yeah i didn't think you like that so don't do that to your kids that's why i validate with intensity of course you're frustrated now i know some of you do time outs and there's nothing wrong with that except it usually won't work because good luck trying to make a strong-willed child just sit still in a chair you're just gonna wrestle and because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes you more angry.

8:12Kirk Martin:Schools make this mistake. Well, student, let's fill out this think sheet and you can think through why you made that choice. And the child's going to get more angry because you can't really just think yourself through being calm. That's why we like using motion and intensity, giving kids physical action steps to do to calm them down. Number four, do not talk a lot. Have Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more upset your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered yourself, your anxiety and the uncertainty in your voice actually makes the situation more unstable. And they can't process language when their world is out of control.

8:53Kirk Martin:I'm also not a huge fan of saying, hey, let's identify your emotions. Or do you want to talk about your emotions? Because here's what most of your kids are thinking. Yeah, I already know what my emotions are. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. What I really need help with is I need an adult to teach me what to do with that frustration and that disappointment. Endlessly talking about it is frustrating. And by the way, it doesn't usually work in therapy either. That's why I prefer taking action steps. If you ever go through our programs, I give action steps. It's not just thinking and journaling.

9:35Kirk Martin:We do think about things and we reflect, but there are always action steps associated with that because you break patterns by doing, by saying, I'm going to practice sitting down. I'm going to practice a different tone of voice. Number five, do not give consequences while your child is still upset. you have to de-escalate before you discipline right but you know how we often do as parents you know if you don't stop this right now I'm going to take away all your video games well now they're going to go to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing and now you've taken away everything away everything that they like well what's left I may as well just burn it to the ground so I like leading kids to a calm place first and I lead them see once they're calm and I'm calm, well now we can discipline because that means to teach.

10:28Kirk Martin:You know what's even better than consequences? Teaching your child how to handle frustration better next time. I'd rather do a lot of proactive teaching than just saying, hey, you better stop that or else. So number six, you lead your child to calm. And I'm going to encourage you with this. Sit down, lie down, Do something goofy and always use an even non-emotional tone that says, hey, everything's in control. I'm in control of myself. I've got this. I've seen this before. I've probably done this before. This isn't throwing me off. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself, even though your child isn't.

11:10Kirk Martin:And this is really settling. And this sitting down thing. I love sitting. Why? Because every human being on the planet in any situation can sit down. But remembering like, okay, I got to remember my 10 calming strategies. I can't always remember this, but I can sit down. Sitting down changes my body posture, changes my tone of voice. It changes my perspective. And it leads kids to a different place. Here's another one. Try this. Kids are acting up. Kids are squabbling. walk into the living room and lie down in the middle of the living room floor. And your kids are going to be like, what's my mom and dad, what are my mom and dad doing lying down on the floor?

11:51Kirk Martin:Well, now I can actually teach because usually what happens, I walk into the room, you know what? I buy you guys all these toys, all these video games. You can't even play well together for 20 minutes. You go to your room, you go to your room. But when I lie down, I am taking back control of the situation, not by controlling a child, but by controlling myself. It is really fascinating to watch. I did this with 1 ,500 kids in our home, and they always reacted the same way of like, what are you doing? And I was like, well, not reacting to you is one thing, but I can tell you're frustrated. hey, why don't you go get a coloring book?

12:35Kirk Martin:I love coloring with kids and even with teenagers. Look, picture a mom and teenage daughter, it can be a dad too, mom and teenage daughter going at each other. You're all tense and standing with your hands on your hips. See all that body posture? It's not helpful. And then your daughter kind of cocks her head a little bit and goes, and you're like, young lady, you will not do that to me. and she's going to be like, just did, like my son said to me. But if you were to sit down in that situation, in the middle of that tension, that face-off, and start coloring, I guarantee you, your daughter, after a few minutes of her little rumps and rolling her eyes to try to get you wrecked, will sit down and color with you.

13:23Kirk Martin:And now you're together. It's almost impossible to yell while you're coloring. So try that sometime. And then we go to intensity. Oh, I can tell autumn is coming because our house is filled with the aroma of soup, some warm comfort food for those chillier nights. I love this time of year. Last night, we went to Wayfair.com to check out Dutch ovens and crockpots. And don't tell Casey, but we got he and his wife an espresso machine because they have to get up early for work. They love our gifts. Wayfair has everything we need in one place. Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores and run around all day.

14:06Kirk Martin:We can quickly find what we need, discover some new ideas, and get fast, free, reliable shipping all for a really good price within our budget. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. For us, Hungry Root means not having to think about food logistics on top of everything else during back-to-school madness. Thanks to Hungry Root, we shop on our own schedule. And we make healthy home-cooked meals in minutes so life isn't so rushed.

14:51Kirk Martin:Hunger Root eliminates the indecision the last minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that even your picky kids will love. Last night, we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir-fried vegetables. Boom. Delicious meal, 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress-free family time. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash Calm and use code Calm. That's HungryRoot.com slash Calm, code Calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

15:38Kirk Martin:Use intensity and then give your child a mission to do. And you'll hear this phrase all the time in our programs, motion changes emotion. Motion helps a child process disappointment and frustration. So get them moving and doing a specific physical activity. So I start with the intensity. Oh, Max, I'd be frustrated too if that happened to me. Hey, you know what I like to do when I get frustrated? And you can lead your child by doing a physical activity yourself or giving them some kind of challenge. Hey, bet you can't crawl through your obstacle course in less than a minute. Bet you can't climb that.

16:16Kirk Martin:Hey, do you think you could carry that heavy mulch bag into the garden? Hey, are you strong enough to dig three holes in the backyard? Physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climbers, so I'd have them climb a tree. You might even put something up there for them to get. Have them climb. Some people have rock climbing walls like in their basement or the side of the house. It can be very, very calming because you're focused so intently on climbing and getting to that next place where I'm going to put my foot. See, think about when kids are upset, I want to give them something to focus on instead of, you need to calm down right now.

16:53Kirk Martin:And the intensity lets your child know you're taking the situation seriously. Remember that little paper airplane example. Kid comes home with a paper airplane, throws it. It doesn't fly well. So your strong-willed child is going to crumple up the airplane. Stupid airplane. I hate my airplane. I'm dumb. And every good parent comes in the room. Oh, honey, that was a really good airplane. and your strong-willed child's like, duh, if it were a good airplane, would have flown the right way. Instead, I come in with some intensity. Of course you're frustrated. All day at school, you were thinking about making that paper airplane when you got home.

17:25Kirk Martin:Didn't fly right. That's frustrating. Hey, I'm gonna go grab something to drink. I gotta go change my clothes. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I always like giving space. When I get back, hey, let's problem solve. So I use intensity and then I don't stare at them waiting for them to calm themselves down. I give them space. So I encourage you, number eight, have a fire drill plan for your home. Because you are going to have emotional fires in your home. And having a specific job that each of you does when you're upset will help you and your kids feel like you're in control of something. Oh man, I really forgot.

18:05Kirk Martin:I just forgot. I really need some help carrying this outside. It's heavy. Do you think you're strong enough to help me? With older kids, I ask them to do something grown up because it makes them feel important, competent, needed, like an adult. Cooking, mixing ingredients, all those things are really good for your sensory kids that we missed before. Shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space. They all create order in your child's body and brain. and that leads us to sensory issues. Sensory pressure and exercises can be very calming.

18:44Kirk Martin:So let me cover this kind of as a bonus really quickly. Many of you have kids who have sensory processing needs. Some kids are hypersensitive, so everything feels more intense to them. Sounds that don't bother you can be extremely overwhelming and even painful to your kids. That's why some kids get overwhelmed with or refuse to go see fireworks displays. The sound and light are piercing to them. So try noise-canceling headphones. Keep earplugs with you wherever you go or just do an alternative activity this 4th of July. When we first began doing this, I noticed this pattern. Teachers were saying, hey, your child is really distracted, not paying attention in that afternoon.

19:27Kirk Martin:And parents were mentioning, hey, when my child comes home, they go straight for the bathroom. And I finally pieced this together. You know what we found? it was because our kids wouldn't use the bathroom for three reasons. In some schools, those toilets now, when you flush them, they sound like a tornado. They're too loud. The bathroom is where many of our kids get picked on. And some kids, they just have pee anxiety. They don't want to pull down their pants because then there are things hanging out and other kids may make fun of them. So guess what they do? They hold it all afternoon. So guess what?

20:03Kirk Martin:they don't have focus issues they just had to pee i noticed this in kids at our camp um they would sit and they keep like building with their legos and their legs were kind of crossed and i'd be like hey legos will be back when you're done i'll watch them and then they would get up and they would go and do their business and come back some of you have kids who are really sensitive to smells. Our son was like that. He's like smell freak. He smelled everything. They're hypersensitive to it. That's why I like doing homework sometimes while you're cooking dinner because that can be calming and stimulate their brains.

20:42Kirk Martin:Look, it's why many of us, we do work at a coffee shop. It's not just the caffeine. It's the aroma. The olfactory senses are stimulated and that helps us learn. That's why sometimes lighting a scented candle can help. When Casey was young and he was struggling in school, I would put a little bit of my edge shaving gel right under his nose. It stimulated his olfactory senses and it was a familiar scent. Some of you are very sensory with foods and it's going to drive you crazy. And they eat the same foods all the time. Just chill with that. Don't create so much drama and tension around eating food.

21:20Kirk Martin:Just model it. if you eat healthy eventually they will just not in your timing your stronghold kids will never do anything in your timing so chill with your anxiety and all of those things this is all very uh this is all very normal some of your kids are also hyposensitive so what they're looking for in their bodies is physical pressure usually on their joints their body is literally screaming okay i guess it's not literally screaming i know some of you get really triggered i don't like when You say literally because it's not literally. And sometimes I literally do literally because it literally irritates you so much.

21:56Kirk Martin:And I'm like that. But I will correct myself. So their body metaphorically is screaming for this pressure. It's settling for their bodies and I think in some ways for their brains. And I'm very much like this. Casey is a very sensory kid. If he does not go scale a mountain on skis or feet very routinely, he's a jerk. And so am I. And so this is very settling. It's why some of your kids, if you allow them to allow them or put them in a sleeping bag on the floor or in a closet, they'll sleep really well. Or they'll sleep between the bed and the wall. Pile stuff on them. That sensory pressure feels really good.

22:40Kirk Martin:it. I would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. Look, if you have little sensory kids and they show up in the early grades without getting exercise in the morning, they're going to walk in the classroom, see a bunch of boys or girls in the back of the classroom and do what? They're going to rumble. And your child's teacher is going to say, well, your child is being aggressive. Well, that's what the outward behavior looks like. But they're just seeking sensory pressure and they're little kids. So the first thing they figure out is, well, I just wrestle with other kids to get that need met.

23:13Kirk Martin:Look, when we were kids, we got a lot of that. We played, we did horseplay and roughhousing, which is really good for their brains. We played a game called kill the guy with the ball. You threw a football up in the air. One guy caught it and then four or five of us would jump on that guy and tackle him. Do you know how much sensory pressure we were getting back then? We were falling down. We were walking on uneven surfaces on streams and that met sensory needs but kids don't get that as much anymore. So in school, in the classroom, I'm going to have them do move heavy books, do chair push-ups where you're sitting in your chair and you use your hands on your palms, you push down on the side of the chair and lift up and I can do that right in the middle of class.

23:56Kirk Martin:It doesn't take any time, it doesn't distract anyone. If you go through the ADHD University program, it's in the package, go through this in great, great detail. And that's why martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, shoveling mulch, doing yard work, it's really good for our kids. I would encourage you, have an obstacle course. Build one in your backyard. Things your kids are in the basement, things they have to crawl under, crawl over, push, pull. In the morning, wake your kids up. Hey, hid your breakfast in your obstacle course and they have to go out and forage for their food.

24:34Kirk Martin:And that is very settling for their bodies and it's fun. I would also look up an occupational therapist. OTs are among my favorite people in the world. They are always positive. They're helpful. They're practical and they love kids. So this summer, let's practice a calming routine. Use sensory pressure. Look, we practice vocabulary words. We practice math facts. So why not have five or six calming routines already planned out ahead of time? We used to have a quick little list on our refrigerator because in the moment you're like, oh, what am I supposed to do? And I can glance at the refrigerator and I can see like, oh, that's our fire drill like they have at school.

25:18Kirk Martin:So have a plan for the emotional fires when, not if, they inevitably happen. Have a predetermined plan and options when your child gets upset. I love this phrase. Oh, I just remembered. Oh, I forgot. Could you help me with, and that gives me two or three seconds to come up with any kind of mission, something often that is an adult type job or something kind of challenging, right? Oh, I just remembered the broom in the basement is broke. Could you find some duct tape and fix that for me? So now the child is doing something physical that they're in control of. That is very common. And I just realized I said I'd have 10 ways, but I only have nine.

25:54Kirk Martin:So here's number 10. Be that steady, immovable rock who puts out the emotional fire in the home. The firefighter who calmly assesses the situation, bravely stands in the midst of the emotional flames and puts the fire out. Moms and dads, grandparents, I'm proud of you for taking on this challenge. Work through the programs over the summer while you're not stressed with homework so you're ready for the new school year and let your kids listen to them. Our kids are so smart and they will recognize things like, oh, yeah, I could do that. By the way, ask them. Say, hey, have you noticed when you get upset or you do something that I react and it tends to escalate and we have all these emotional fireworks?

26:38Kirk Martin:What could we begin doing differently? What could I do differently to de-escalate? What could you do? Ask your kids because now you're teaching them. Okay, enjoy your 4th of July holiday, my American friends. And for the rest of you, I hope you're enjoying your summer. Love you all. We'll talk to you soon.