10 Insights into Strong-Willed Kids You Must Know & Accept #497

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1:33And we end the day excited to sleep under the temperature-regulating cozy earth bamboo sheets and comforter. Cozy Earth's Labor Day sale is happening now through September 8th. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off. It's the biggest savings of the season. And please tell Cozy Earth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. You're going to love Cozy Earth as much as we do. Do you have a child who must touch the hot stove, resists what you want first, refuses to do chores or anything the easier way, who is not immediately obedient, doesn't respond to consequences, appears self-centered, Won't show math work.

2:22Does the bare minimum to get by. Won't push through when things get hard. Good. I want to show you how to work with these traits instead of fighting them all the time. So you can actually enjoy your kids and family life. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us and our summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. All right, I'm going to give you 10 insights that you must really internalize and know and really accept, I think, about your strong-willed child if you want to stop all the power struggles and just enjoy them.

3:00So number one, this is a hard one. Your strong-willed child is never, never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do things your way or the way you want them done. I've discussed this all through our programs, all through the podcast. It's just the way it is. They will do things, just not the way you want them done. And you need to get over your control issues. Your strong willed child is not going to be immediately obedient. It is a horrible expectation anyway. It's not rooted in human nature. And they are always going to push back at first. It's part of who they are. So don't project out and just label them as defiant.

3:42They are looking for space and ownership. By the way, this immediate obedience thing, I've done podcasts on this. It is a horrible expectation to put on yourself as a parent. Because if your child doesn't listen to you the first time, well, then you're doing something wrong. You're not disciplining them well. You have a defiant child and you're failing as a parent. And that's what all the parents of compliant children say. because you don't look with compliant kids. You don't even have to say anything. You just look at them and they just do the right thing. And it is way too much pressure for you and for your kids.

4:20And it is unrealistic. Well, does this mean that you let kids get away with things and not listening to you? Of course not. It means you use different approaches with them just like we use different approaches with each other as adults. Look, Mrs. Calm is an extremely sensitive person, while our son Casey is a general who marches instead of walks. He's very direct. So I use a very different tone and approach when speaking with each of them. We all do this daily in our interactions with other people at work, at the grocery store, with neighbors. We choose the approach that works best. Same thing with strong-willed kids.

5:05Look, you don't give strong-willed kids control of your home. You give them ownership of their choices within your large boundaries, knowing they need to touch the hot stove because it's part of their learning process. You must give these kids a large box, so to speak, to live in with very clear expectations and boundaries, but plenty of space to do things differently than you would do them. I'm going to do a whole podcast on ownership coming up in the beginning of August. I think I have it planned. So shouldn't kids just know to listen and take no for an answer? Look, I have changed my answer on this over the years.

5:47I used to say, well, yes, but now I say, no, no, they really shouldn't. It would be easier for them and easier for us if they did, but they don't care about the easy path and we need to embrace that. Your kids have been this way since they came out of the womb and you've tried all the tricks and consequences you can think of for the past 4 or 9 or 17 years and it hasn't worked. Stop trying to change their very nature and work with it instead. that's not giving in as a parent that's using wisdom continuing to fight their nature just makes you rigid and stupid I'm I'm not kidding it does it's just dumb so stop it so number two and you know I don't do blame or guilt but some people it's like well I'm just gonna try again I'm like why it hasn't worked for the last six years are you looking for some magic formula embrace their nature work with it.

6:50Number two, your strong-willed child will choose the harder path. They will make choices that you think are kind of dumb. And some of them are, right? But it would be so much easier if they just did it the right way. But they have to touch the hot stove. It's a necessary, necessary part of their learning process. And I really encourage you to wrestle with this. Why have we determined that the easier path is the best path for all kids because it's not. It's easier for us and it would be easier for them to just take the traditional path. But they want to do it the hard way. They don't want to be like others.

7:30They want to find new paths and ways of doing things. Instead of fighting that, switch the narrative in your brain and switch the words you use. Try this sometime. I admire the fact that you're willing to do things the hard way rather than take the easy way. It shows me that you like a challenge. That when you have a goal, you are incredibly focused and persistent and won't give up. And even when the consequences are harsh, you forge on because you value your independence and desire to do things differently. how would that change how your child sees himself or herself and how you see them there is nothing that i just said that is not true now i know there's always a balance to things but all of that is just as true as you know what you're so difficult why do you have to make things so hard the truer statement we should admit is my child isn't difficult i am i'm the one who insists that there's only one way, my way.

8:33Their way makes me uncomfortable and that's why I try to fix or change it or them. And it's also because you love your kids. You want them to be happy and successful. I get that. It's just that they are going to achieve that in a way that looks very different. So I get on board that train. By the way, have you noticed, this was not in my plan, your kids will often choose sports and activities that are not your sport why because they want to own it so when they are successful it's not because mom or dad lectured them and showed them exactly how to do that it's really interesting how they do that isn't it number three consequences and punishment do not work or motivate these kids so stop using that as your first response they simply don't care.

9:25Your my way or the highway tough guy approach, which is what I was raised under and tried first, will never work unless your mission is to destroy your relationship with your child. So your child may fear you, but he or she won't respect you. It hasn't worked for the first how many of years of your child's life, so what makes you think it's going to work next time? It won't. So stop it. I showed in detail why consequences don't work in the June 29th episode. Discipline without yelling or giving in. Three questions you must ask. So look that one up. Number four. Your strong will child will almost always resist what you want first before they own it themselves.

10:09It's built into their system. It's built into mine and it's not a bad thing. It's actually really healthy and good in the long run because they want to have ownership of their choices and lives. They don't want to believe things because mommy or daddy or a teacher told them or made them. They want to wrestle with ideas, push back and argue, try different angles and touch the hot stove until they believe it and internalize it and know it on their own. Again, it would be easier if your kids just didn't believe what you said without pushing back. But this way they own it themselves and will own it for the rest of their lives.

10:47Respect that. Learn to expect it and work with it. You could even verbalize sometime, I respect the fact that you think for yourself, that you challenge yourself with and wrestle with these ideas inside, that you just don't believe everything everyone tells you. That's actually a really great quality to have. Again, all of those words are very true. And then you can mutter inside, but please, dear God, just one time, listen to me without resisting. I get that. I'll cover this in upcoming podcasts in more detail. But for now, know that you must draw and lead these kids. You can't push them and stand over them.

11:30They'll resist every time. Number five, your strong-willed child will appear to be self-centered and selfish. But I guarantee it's nothing more than self-preservation from an insecure, immature human being who feels different or who struggles with anxiety and is expending all of his or her emotional energy just trying to hold it together inside so that... See, when your kids are doing this, when humans are doing this, they literally can't look outward because they are so focused inwardly. I have friends who are recovering alcoholics who during their addiction were all about themselves. They appeared so selfish.

12:11Why? Because they had to spend all of their energy simply holding themselves together that they couldn't look outward. Your child's not a sociopath. He's just an overwhelmed kid. See your child that way and you can reach into and change his or her heart. otherwise you'll just destroy their spirit and cause them to be angry. Number six your strong willed child will likely never do his or her chores around the house very well if at all. You're going to have to wrestle with this one but I believe it's true. Our son Casey was virtually useless as a child around the house. He was but outside the home he was extremely responsible and awesome for other people and we raised him not to be a kid but to be an amazing adult and you're going to have to reconcile this within yourself.

13:01We decided that what we wanted was a kid who grew into a responsible, respectful adult on his own. On his own, he was fantastic. He was just awful for us. He worked a job from a young age. He helped neighbors all the time. He would do everything for everybody else and they loved him. And they always were like, Casey is such a great kid, no matter where he went. And I know you're going to think, well, but if kids don't learn how to do their chores, they won't be able to keep a job. That's just not true. By the way, I'm going to save you some trouble. Your strong-willed toddler will not pick up all of his toys by himself, even if he dumped 40 ,000 Legos on the floor.

13:42His kids are just not going to do it. So you're going to be on the floor grumbling, picking up even more toys than your child. It's just the way it works. And I don't want you to freak out thinking there's something wrong with your child. Are you letting them get away with that? Right? It doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be lazy and irresponsible unless you do everything for them. I'm going to cover chores in more detail on the podcast one week from today, so listen to that one. We're at the grocery store the other day, and a nice young couple smiles and points to their cart, and I see Cure hydrating electrolyte packets in there.

14:17It's funny, they didn't mention the podcast or parenting. They were just happy their kids began the school year drinking Cure instead set of expensive sports drinks that are loaded with sugar. And he said, our kids think it's a special treat because they love the kids' flavors, so they're drinking more water. That's a big win for our kids. Finally, something delicious you can feel good about giving your kids. Plus, Cure gives us a clean energy boost without the crash. That's why we keep Cure packets in our car, backpacks, and book bags. Cure is the electrolyte mix we reach for daily with clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it's become easy to stay hydrated.

14:58Find it on Amazon or save 20 % at curehydration.com with code calm. That's curehydration.com, code calm for 20 % off your first order. You know I love my routines and no stress. And what we have noticed most with hunger root is that we're more consistent with eating healthy. We don't stress over dinner time anymore, and we're not spending as much money going out for dinner. Hungry Root is just really easy. We really love the sous vide chicken and beef. It is unbelievably tender and juicy and fresh, perfect portion size, with amazing sauces, so I can make dinner that's honestly more delicious than most restaurants, with healthy ingredients at a fraction of the cost in less than 15 minutes, with virtually no cleanup.

15:44It makes mealtime fun without the stress. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. So go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Number seven, your strong-willed child is going to make you really uncomfortable and you should thank them for that. And this will probably cause disagreements with your spouse. So you have to really wrestle with these things together. Number seven, I just said that. You're, and I'm not fixing it, I'm practicing imperfection.

16:31It's really bothering me right now, but I'm going to keep going. Your strong-willed child probably will not show his or her work when doing math problems because it's stupid. I just showed you my work by getting the answer right, duh. And your child's correct. So let him take it up with the teacher who will mark his or her grade down and your child doesn't care about grades. So just let it go or just fight about it forever. When your child does care about something, they will do it. But right now they don't. I actually covered this in a podcast. There's some really interesting reasons why they won't show their work and why we should actually encourage that.

17:11But that's for another time. Your strong-willed child may do the minimum work necessary just to skate by. Fine. I get that. So tell your child this. That's actually really smart. You don't care about grades right now. So you're preserving your energy for things you care about. I know that when you do care about something, oh, you're persistent. You're goal-oriented. I've seen it. Good thinking, son or daughter. I dare you to say that. But then you're going to have to go drink. So I don't want you to drink. But it's going to be very uncomfortable, but it's true. And you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your child simply doesn't care what you care about yet.

17:53You also have to reconcile yourself to the fact that all of your lecturing, prodding, bribing, and threatening has not changed or motivated your child at all. And instead, it simply hurts your relationship and destroys your trust and i've done podcasts on that i'm gonna do one coming up on motivating your kids but here's the thing you're gonna say but shouldn't my child just no cut it out this is about you and your anxiety about your child's future focus on controlling and changing yourself instead of your child none of what you've done is work before it's not going to start to like magically happen now.

18:38All right, let's dive into another parenting myth. Well, kids have to learn to push through when things get hard because life is filled with doing things you don't want to do. True enough in one sense, but here's where the reasoning falls apart. You and I push through because we have a reason to. I need to support a family, an internal drive to accomplish something we care about. But I bet I can find five things in your life that you don't push through to accomplish that you don't do your best at, that you don't apply yourself at, whether it's diet or exercise or giving to others, praying, serving others, taking on more responsibility at work.

19:16Why? Because you don't care about it. When I worked in the corporate world, I wasn't great at managing the details of the business. But with Celebrate Calm, I know every single thing going on in my business. Why? Because I am motivated, because I have ownership. Your kids simply aren't going to push through and be motivated until they care about something. By the way, you'll notice they do this when they play video games. I'm not saying that's what I want them to do, but you will notice when they do certain activities, usually not for you, they will push through. Think about it. Why would you push through if you don't care about the mission or see no reason or purpose.

19:59So in the programs, if you get the programs on the app, I show you how to get your child to push through when it gets tough. Okay, I want to save you a lot of money in family fights. Your strong-willed child is not going to practice. They're not going to practice their instrument or sports skills. And you're going to say, oh, but he could be so good, make the varsity team or get a scholarship or first chair violin if they just practiced. These kids won't practice yet. They just want to play the game or the concert because they don't care yet. They won't learn to read music. They will learn their instrument by watching YouTube videos and it will drive you crazy.

20:36Just don't invest a lot of your own money and time in their activities. Let them pay for at least part of it and relax and enjoy. Look, I met this really great mom and dad at a live event. They were like, oh, our child won't practice and listen to his music teacher. But he writes and creates his own music. And I was like, that's amazing. And their reply was, well, but that's not really learning because he doesn't listen to the teacher. Can you hear how short-sighted we get as parents? That's crazy. This child is learning infinitely more by teaching himself, experimenting, creating his own music.

21:11I'd much rather have him doing that than following rote lessons. This is the way your kids are made. Independent, learning on their own, not listening to others. Charging down their own path, creating their own music. and let's keep that as kind of a metaphor for their lives. They create their own music in life. It's just usually music you don't like and you don't like how they create it. That's your issue. So get accustomed to being uncomfortable and be willing to toss out all those parenting lies we've been told, right, since childhood. Quick note for spouses. One of you is going to be too soft and given.

21:49The other one is going to be a little bit too rigid and rough. So you balance each other out and you help each other. Ask your spouse this question sometimes, a side tip. What is one thing you want me to change or begin doing differently and then just do it? Husbands listening, here's one. Stop barking out consequences that you can't keep. And then because when you do that, it erodes your kids' trust in you because they don't believe you anymore. And then your wife is put in the position of actually having to enforce consequences that are unrealistic. You're welcome, wives. Okay, number eight.

22:22I only did that because I always pick on men because I'm a man. And if I tell mom, I'm so tough on moms on the podcast and moms almost always on Instagram. Yeah, that's true. I need to change. You're so hard on yourselves. But guys, I'll mention anything. I don't do that. And then your family's kind of laughing like, yeah, you do. Okay, I only know because I'm a guy. Family life is going to be unfair. You're going to have to grade on a curve with these kids because they aren't going to measure up compared to their siblings. You're going to feel like you are letting them get away with things. I know that.

22:55And sometimes you are because you don't want to murder your child. And you know what I mean by that. There were times where I would look at my son and say, huh, you were almost respectful to me right then, so I think I'll engage. It was just because he's a very direct kid, and it just didn't sound the way that a child should talk to his dad. but there wasn't usually anything disrespectful. It was just, he was like, just take charge and blunt. And you have to wrestle with this. I remember one time I'd sent Casey a text before an event. We used to do a ton of live events telling about an alternative approach I wanted to take that night.

23:34And when I came into the event, he headed right for me and said directly, no, we're not doing that. And inside I was like, I am your father and I am your boss. Who are you to talk to me like that? but I realized this is a kid with strong opinions and a direct manner his intentions were good even if his tone wasn't so I engaged and we talked it out and the little jerk was right look I just I just actually got back from a big hike with him he's he's been that way since he was born he's a grown man he is an amazing human being and he's awesome but it's just the way they're made. Okay, if the other kids say in your family, well, it's not fair how you treat our strong-willed sibling, you could remind them of this.

24:22You could say, oh, you want to talk fairness? Oh, let's do it. You know what isn't fair? It's not fair that you were made with a brain and constitution that makes it easier for you to get good grades in school, to do your homework quickly, to make friends pretty easily and do sleepovers, to be generally likable. And yet your brother's brain is wired in such a way that he has to work five times harder than you just to sit still all day, memorize information for a test, and do homework. It's not fair that it's harder for him to connect with kids his own age. Ever notice how difficult life is for him?

24:54Would you want to walk in his shoes or trade places with him? I don't think so. So instead of talking fairness, why don't we talk about gratitude, you little snot? I'm kidding. Leave off the last part, but it feels very gratifying sometimes. By the way, you better be nice to your brother because one day you'll probably be working for him when he starts his own business and rules the world. So you can leave out the last parts, but you've got to accept the fact that these kids are tough, but this is the way they are. Number nine, that's because you have to understand the arc of their lives. Strong-willed kids feel like they are swimming upstream.

25:28Childhood just doesn't suit them. You've said before, if we can just get this child to adulthood, he's going to be fine. Strong-willed kids face adversity from the time they begin preschool usually and it doesn't let up. Navigating childhood does not come easy for them so it's almost like they get most of their difficulties out of the way as kids. Now here's the beneficial part. By the time they're 26 they're so accustomed to adversity they can handle real life whereas your compliant child who's sailed through childhood will wilt like a flower after getting fired from their first job. But the strong-willed child will say Look, I've had everybody against me since birth.

26:04Bring it. Note as well that this adversity forces them to create different coping mechanisms and workarounds that often give them a competitive advantage later in life. Almost like kids from rough backgrounds developing street smarts to get them by. Number 10, your strong-willed child is not going to progress on your timeline according to artificial societal standards. You cannot compare them to siblings or peers. Many of them are late bloomers, so they may need a gap year or two before going to college or figuring out their life plan. Be patient, don't force it. Look, I beg them, go to community college for the first two years, right?

26:44Who needs the prestigious bumper sticker when yours says, my daughter saved me$50 ,000 by going to community college and I took a trip around the world. Look, there isn't a right college for your child most of the time. It's better if they take it slowly and get a success first before transferring to a better college. But I'm going to encourage you, be patient. Throw out all those artificial timelines. Oh, by this age, your child should be doing this. No, they shouldn't. Know your child. And remember these three things. Relationships. It is the relationship and internal motivation are way more effective than consequences.

27:21Traits. The traits that irritate you now are the very traits that you will appreciate when they are grown. And these are their very traits that will make them wildly successful in the real world. We watch this with our kids. And finally, enjoy them. Enjoy your kids. I'd encourage you, if you have our programs on that, go through them this summer so you are prepared for the stress of the next school year. Let your kids listen. Have amazing conversations with them about this. I'd actually let some of your kids listen to this particular episode and say, hey, there are 10 things in here which of them do you want to tell us about?