10 Options When Kids Mess Up (Without Messing Up Your Night!) #597

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3:04You're going to love this. So how do your strong-willed kids and kids with PDA react when you try to correct them or talk to them about their behavior. My guess is they hate it. And even if you do it in a really sweet way, your child gets furious and lashes out or screams or even covers his or her ears. Does your child blame others and refuse to listen? Good, because that's very normal with our kids, which also means I have a couple dozen options for you, including lots of new ones. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin.

3:41Hey, quick note to our friends in Europe. If you have a school or organization that would like to sponsor and host us to train parents and teachers in your community, we do have an opportunity to come speak in October. But you have to reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com for details and help set that up. So a mom emailed, hey, I know this sounds insane, but our child hates being corrected. I don't think that sounds insane at all. I think that's normal. who wants to have their attitude or behavior corrected or talk at length about how they messed up. Now look, with compliant kids, you can just allude to a certain action and they'll adjust and apologize and work on it without any pushback.

4:27But our sensitive kids and those with PDA often respond by plugging their ears, yelling and or lashing out at you. That's normal in our world. So I hope you don't feel alone, or like you're doing something wrong. Although I'm going to show you about 22 ways that you're probably doing it wrong. And I'm just kidding, but I'll give you some different options. Look, because so much with Strongwell Kids and our kids, it's just hard. And even when you're doing things the right way as a parent, it doesn't always work. So quickly, we'll review. Why don't your kids respond well to being corrected? Many of our kids have a defensive posture toward life.

5:08They feel like they're swimming upstream. And often for good reason. It feels like the school system is rigged against them because schools tend to expose our kids' natural weaknesses without really rewarding their natural strength. They feel like failures, even though they're bright kids. Many of your kids don't naturally connect well with kids their own age. They're better with little kids, animals, older people. So they may have some social isolation. Sometimes one parent doesn't understand or accept your child. so your child feels like the black sheep of the family. And so they begin with this negative or defensive frame of reference.

5:46Sometimes you'll hear them say, you don't like me. Why is everybody mad at me? How come I'm the only one who's ever in trouble? And I know inside you're like, because you're the only one who doesn't listen. But don't do that. You like my sister better. Sometimes they'll say, scream at you. Why are you yelling at me? And you're not even yelling at them yet. It's because that's how they hear it inside of themselves. And if you have a child with traits associated with PDA, whether you call that pathological demand avoidance or pervasive drive or persistent drive for autonomy, then the reaction actually comes from a perceived threat to their nervous system.

6:28Some of the strategies and scripts in this podcast will work well with your PDA kids. I'd also encourage you, we have a separate PDA parent podcast that's very, very specific for these kids. Just go to CelebrateCalm.com, look up the PDA tab. So obviously, we need to be able to talk to our kids when they're messing up or making mistakes. We just need a different approach. So I'm going to give you probably about 20 to 23 options over the next two episodes. And so we can handle these potential landmines with your kids. So let's roll. Number one, change how you view misbehavior. Kids are supposed to be impulsive and mess up and make immature decisions because they are by design impulsive and immature.

7:15That's what life is for, to continually learn from your mistakes. And sometimes as parents, we lose perspective and we have these false expectations. Well, if we just teach our kids right from wrong, or if we just pray for them and live a good life, they'll make good choices. Well, I encourage you to read ancient literature that reflects family life thousands of years ago. Greek stories from Aristophanes or the Odyssey tell stories of entitled sons and youth gone wild. Roman plays frequently featured young men who drank excessively, stole money from their fathers, and constantly lied. Many of us grew up reading stories about brothers killing brothers, Cain and Abel.

8:00The point is that children have always acted out from the beginning of time. So it's not like your child is odd or that you did something wrong. I'd be more nervous if my kids were quietly good all the time. So normalize your child's misbehavior. I'm not asking you to excuse it, but you normalize it. Well, of course my child tried to sneak food or screens late at night and then lied about it. It would be weird if my teenager didn't manipulate or try to manipulate me to get a later curfew. Of course my child occasionally blurts out or acts silly in class. You're placing their behavior, or if you want to say their misbehavior, in context and taking the emotional charge out of it so you don't freak out.

8:50And I encourage you, reset your expectations. Look, I get mystified myself when parents are like, I can't believe my child would do this. But why? Do you think your child is somehow unlike the 100 billion other kids who have inhabited this planet and that you're some superhuman parent and you're responsible for making sure your kids always behave correctly? Some of you had parents like that and that really messed you up and they were controlling and strict, too strict, right? We want to be firm, even matter of fact, we want to have good boundaries. But some of your parents, they didn't do that.

9:26They just scared you into submission like my dad did with us. It was fear and intimidation. So take that pressure off of yourself and off of your kids. They're going to mess up. They are. And that doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Number two, change your response. Do not react and shame your kids. I've been through this a ton, so I won't belabor this. Just know that overreacting to your child's misbehavior can inadvertently cause them to internalize shame and become more sneaky and lie. And I've shared before, I love the idea of having your kids practice you telling the truth about something they shouldn't have done so that you can practice not reacting to them anymore.

10:13Number three, change your goal. Look, there's nothing wrong with saying, well, I want to change my child's behavior. But that's not my highest goal. And sometimes our reflexive response is just to mete out harsh consequences and then hope that it works. But it won't with our kids. I'd rather spend more time giving my kids tools and teaching them how to control their own behavior. That's the big win. Number four, model humility and a willingness to change. Look, when you mess up, just address it matter-of-factly. Normalize it. Own it. Hey, I overreacted and I shouldn't have yelled just then. I apologize.

10:52You know what? I made an impulsive decision buying that and I regret not waiting. You know what? I shouldn't have cut that lady off in traffic. I was in too much of a hurry and I selfishly put my own needs ahead of hers. See, this is important for our kids because they often feel singled out, like they're the only ones who ever mess up and get in trouble. Number five, proactively create successes rather than reacting with consequences. The most powerful step you can take in some ways is proactively giving your kids as many tools as possible to be successful. Then you won't have to correct your child as often.

11:31So you put them in a position to be successful, to complete missions that they're good at doing, and then put a lot more energy into affirming for good behavior than correcting for bad. So what are some missions and specific jobs to do that they'll be really good at? Hey, Anthony, I could really use your help doing X. You know what, Allison, you're so good at that. Do you think you could help with this outside? Many of your kids like doing adult-type jobs, so let them do that around the house. It will make you uncomfortable, but you'll often see them being successful for other adults adults and doing more grown-up activities, they just often stink at the kid world.

12:10Hey, do you think you're strong enough to move that big sofa in the basement away from the wall for me? Then you get to affirm them for doing something well. I want to find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. It's more about what they can do than what you want them to stop doing. The next time you want to give a consequence, think, huh, what tool to succeed could I give my child instead? So if your kids struggle in the morning, this is one of my favorites, just hide their breakfast outside.

12:46Well, that gets them up and moving, and they'll get ready more quickly. See, that's giving them a tool to be successful instead of threatening consequences. Same with homework, letting them do homework in odd, weird ways. I'll share some more with that maybe in the next episode. So number six, praise for progress, not perfection. Give a lot more energy and intensity. Remember, we talked about your kids crave intensity. Where do they usually get it? When they do something wrong. You know what? How many times do I have to tell you? You know what? If you guys don't stop that right now. Well, guess what?

13:19That is flooding their brains and their hearts with intensity. So guess what you're going to get more of? So I purposely switch that around and say, oh, when my child makes a good choice, then I give intensity. But often with our kids we just do it in an even matter-of-fact tone. Hey, I noticed you're doing so much better dealing with the noise for your siblings. You know what, I bet we could make a small tweak that would help you even more. That's not perfect, but I like focusing on progress and creating an invitation to do better. You could walk out of the room and say, hey, let me know if you'd like to hear a couple ideas when you're ready.

13:57I'm proud of you. this way it's not so heavy it's not overwhelming like oh great one more thing i have to work on or yeah you know what you're never going to be happy it's always something no matter how much progress i make so progress not perfection number seven teach your kids impulse control they get in trouble mess up because they don't have good impulse control i did two really powerful and practical episodes on that. There are episodes number 573 and 575. So go find those 22 ways to teach impulse control and delayed gratification, foundational. All right, what about when your kids act out and lash out?

14:38Or what happens even when they mess up in the classroom? Okay, here's an easy, healthy habit that will make you and your entire family feel better. I like easy stuff. For the next couple of weeks, Mix Cure hydrating electrolyte powder to your water to start the day and then see how you and your kids feel. I am the Cure barista in our home. Mrs. Calm loves the peach mango, but my berry pomegranate, it feels like an explosion of flavor and energy without the crash. We love Cure because it's clean, natural hydration. No artificial ingredients, no added sugars, and it's built on the same formula used in IV hydration therapy.

15:20Cure makes water actually work. If you forget to hydrate, or if you want your kids drinking something that's good for them and tastes great, then make Cure part of your mornings and afternoons like we do. Go to curehydration.com and use promo code CALM for 20 % off your first order. That's curehydration.com, code CALM, for 20 % off your first order. We know homework time can be incredibly stressful with our kids, so consider getting a tutor and outside voice your kids will listen to with Wyzant. Wyzant is the nation's largest network of tutors, with more than 65 ,000 expert tutors across 350 subjects.

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16:44Visit wiseant.com and give your child the tools they need to thrive. So how many of you are like us and you end up not using your outdoor space because the patio or porch is an eyesore, that old grill doesn't work? We have long winters here, so we have to maximize our outdoor time in the spring and summer. So here's what we did. We went to Wayfair.com. First, we got party lights to string outside. Why? Because it makes the space festive. It invites us outdoors more. And then we found this comfy bench with storage underneath. It's kind of the perfect mix of comfort and convenience. It's one reason we love Wayfair.

17:24We can find everything for outdoors and indoors in one place. Plus, we always get fast, free, reliable shipping with Wayfair. So, how can you transform your outdoor space within your budget? Get prepared for patio season for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Okay, number eight. I love this one. replace lengthy explanations and interrogations with positive action steps. So I'll give you an example from the classroom and you can apply this to your home. A girl gets really overwhelmed in class and begins acting out irritably toward a classmate and kind of yells at her.

18:12The teacher has a couple options here, right? The typical response is threaten a consequence. Oh, you've got to go to the principal's office. You get detention, you miss recess, or even worse, lecture about being a good classmate and asking why she was behaving so badly. I'll just tell you, for our kids, it is infuriating. Listen, this girl already knows you can't and shouldn't yell at other people. It's not like she thought it was okay. And so in some ways, it comes across as condescending, like, don't you know better? And you know how we have that term kind of like mansplaining things? Maybe we should just call it parentsplaining or teachersplaining and we should stop.

18:52doing it. The other problem with that approach is that that's a very rational approach, but this girl who's been screaming is not in a rational frame of mind. Well, remember the phrase we use motion changes emotion. I like using movement with our kids. So the teacher recognizes, oh, this girl is overwhelmed and probably tired. So instead she says, hey, Hannah, I could really use your help. Could you move the first 12 books on that shelf and stack them in order of size on the floor by my desk, please? Now, here's why I like it. We're not talking about the girl's misbehavior right now, which is likely caused by not feeling in control.

19:34We're not trying to calm her down because trying to correct or talk to Hannah in front of the other kids while they're looking at her will only breed anger and shame and probably a greater outburst. We're not asking her to sit in a corner or do a think sheet to think through your actions. That is infuriating and demeaning in some ways. So we've got to get kids to a more rational state first. So instead, I like this example. Notice how specific and tactile and tangible this mission is. The first 12 books stacked in order of size on the floor by my desk. See, this is tangible. It's doable right now.

20:19The specificity is very grounding because Hannah's world is out of control for some reason right now. And just telling her, you need to calm down. How? I don't know how. Oh, but I do know how to move these books and stack them. See, a concrete number, a concrete book that I can hold and feel and touch, a concrete mission. I feel in control of that. And now she has to pick up the books, carry them, and then lean over or kneel down to put them on the floor. That meets sensory needs. She's crossing the midline of the body. There's sensory pressure. That's very calming. See, she can do that. Moving and stacking some books, there's a lot of order in that.

21:02So the teacher just created a success by giving this girl something she's actually in control of. And it will only take a minute or two to do. This allows the child to not be under scrutiny with everyone watching her being corrected. And there's a certain amount of dignity in doing it this way. She's not being punished by standing in a corner or being lectured. She's actually being helpful, even though it's just a made-up job. there's a concrete end to this mission. She'll be able to look over and see 12 books sitting there. Well, there's a certain satisfaction from accomplishing a task. So at home, have a few go-to missions to give your kids when they're struggling.

21:50Hey, do you think you're strong enough to move that sofa in the basement away from the wall? Do you think you could drag those three bags of malts for me? Got my hands been hurting a bit. Can you get a chair and reach that jar of spaghetti sauce in the pantry and twist the top off for me? You know what? The broom is broken. Do you think you can find some duct tape and fix it for me? I use that one a lot with the kids in our class camp because why? Gave them something they felt in control of and that they were good at doing. Number nine, change the question you ask. This is an important distinction.

22:24So I want to spend a couple minutes on this. So sticking with Hannah in the classroom, yelling at a classmate. See, instead of addressing the issue in the moment, the teacher waits until later at recess or lunch after Hannah is calm and where they can talk a little bit more privately. Now, oftentimes how we typically handle these situations as adults is to say, Hannah, can you explain to me why you were yelling at Elizabeth earlier? Well, put yourself in Hannah's shoes. The child hears, why did you do something so hurtful to your classmate? can you explain why you did such an awful thing? That's what she hears.

23:04That's like me walking into your home and asking, can you explain to me why you were just yelling at your kids like that? You would feel a wave of unhelpful shame and confusion. And this just creates a defensive response. And the child will just be thinking, no, I really can't explain why I was yelling at her. I guess I'm just a bad person. So instead, we ask a slightly different question and get a much more helpful response. Hannah, I'm curious, what made you feel so upset earlier? Or what made you feel so overwhelmed? See, there's likely a very specific answer to this question. Specifics, again, are concrete and grounding.

23:48Being upset has a lot less charge than yelling at my innocent classmate, right? It's like, it's okay to be upset. It's normal to get upset and feel overwhelmed. But it's mean to yell at someone else. We're also getting to the root. Because the real issue wasn't yelling at the classmate, though that's wrong. The real issue is, hey, what was going on underneath that led you to do that? So the real answer to the first question is, well, that's hurtful to yell at a classmate, so don't do that again. But if we can get to the root of why Hannah felt overwhelmed and upset, well, then we can be specific in the tools we give her.

24:33Maybe she's a PDA or ADHD kid who just gets emotionally overwhelmed partway through the day. Well, then maybe we give her a code word for when she needs a short break. The teacher can give her a little job like sharpening pencils or organizing paper clips by color when she comes back from the cafeteria. because in the cafeteria it's loud and she might sit alone. And so giving her something small to do may recenter her. And we send the message that being upset or overwhelmed or disappointed is normal. And that's okay. Now what's not okay is reacting out of that frustration to hurt another person.

25:12So now we can put a lot more effort into giving your child different ways to handle feeling overwhelmed and disappointed because that will help her for the rest of her life. And if she has these new tools, it's unlikely she'll lash out at a classmate again. A consequence won't solve that. Giving them tools will. So number 10, teach lifelong skills versus giving momentary consequences. Too often we take the short-term approach. Well, here's your consequence, don't do that again. And so I want to give a shout out to Joanna and Ron from Madison, Wisconsin, because they're going to make this point better than I could.

25:55They said, we have seen a massive difference since listening to your downloadable programs with our daughter. Instead of her constantly being in trouble, she is learning very concrete tools to self-regulate. She now has new routines for using movement, sensory pressure, and finding something she feels in control of. She asked if we could keep dough in the refrigerator because when she's struggling, she can go and she needs that dough and then she creates bread or dessert and it builds her confidence and calms her almost instantly. We also have some resistance training bands in the basement that we use for exercise.

26:43She's been working through her tough days with a little regimen she created. It's the difference between trying to make her behave and giving her lifelong insights and skills to handle tough situations. They said your programs have changed our family. We encourage others to let your kids listen. Our daughter feels so understood and respected because we do this. I love that because our kids crave feeling respected as we do, right? That's cool. So that, look, this is awesome. That's the big win here. Not just changing behavior in the moment, but actually teaching your kids how they work best when they are stressed.

27:28I encourage you over the summer when there's no school pressure, let your kids listen to the programs. Let them listen to this podcast. Your kids will feel understood and they'll have the confidence to actually control themselves. That is cool. So if you're interested, go to CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help financially or any other way, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Okay, practice these 10 ideas. And on Friday, I'm going to give you another 12 that will also be really helpful. Okay, love and respect you all. Bye-bye.