10 Ways to Cultivate A Growth Mindset in Kids Who Make Excuses, Blame Others, Lose Poorly #536

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2:15That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the CALM Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate CALM. And you can find us in our Black Friday sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So I'm dedicating this to a 14-year-old Jess who wrote in. She listens to the podcast because she's neurodivergent. And she said, it really helps me understand myself. And she said, I got this school assignment to write about a growth mindset. And listen to how she phrased this. But what I think they're doing is it's a manipulative way to try to get me to work harder on academics. but I don't really care about academics right now.

2:54What is your take? And so I told her, I'll record a podcast. So I'm doing that. So forgive me, this is not scripted out. I have 10 different points I've jotted down and I'll try to make this all make sense. So number one, how many of you have kids like this who blame others, who make excuses, who won't take responsibility for their actions? These are kids who are often, they struggle with losing. So you can't play a board game with them because they'll change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. And it's not a character issue. It is they do not have confidence inside. These are the same kids.

3:33We had about 1 ,500 of these kids that came to our house over the course of a decade. And we called many of these kids seven uppers. Because you know how you one up someone? Well, these kids go like seven up. So when other kids were like, well, I have 50 Yu-Gi-Oh cards. They'd be like, I have 3 ,000. And what that stems from is a lack of confidence inside. And so think about this. This is what we tell almost all of our kids for their entire childhood. Your childhood success is based on your performance in two areas, good grades and good behavior. And your strong-willed child is often 0 for 2 in those areas.

4:15Our son was not great at behavior, but he was very, very responsible, and he didn't always care about school and grades. So with most other kids, what happens is they're just really compliant neurotypical kids tend to be very good at school, and they tend to be a little bit more compliant. And so parents, teachers, grandparents, everybody likes them. And they're like, oh, you're so smart. You do extra homework. You're taking honors classes. You get good grades. You're so well behaved. Well, what happens is, see, they have a reservoir inside that is filled with successes in school, in behavior.

4:58So when they encounter a challenge or something difficult, they have something to draw upon. but many of us have kids who just aren't interested in those things so when they encounter something difficult there's nothing for them to draw upon i hope that makes sense so number two realize the limits of school and homework and just going after a child's intellect it is parents get so hyper focused on this and i want to challenge you think about your own life Think about the life of many of your friends or people you look up to. How much of their life success, and we're talking about success in their job, which is not just money, but it's actually enjoy their job, using their gifts, talents, and passions.

5:48How much are they making an impact on society? How are their relationships with themselves, with their spouse, with their kids? because you will find a lot of times that very bright people often have a lot of knowledge, but they don't put it together into life and relational success. And you could go your entire life. Look, I've gone my entire life. I don't really need to know geometry, algebra too. Kind of nice to know some basic algebra for figuring out like, okay, what's the better deal at the grocery store so I can figure out price per ounce. That's kind of helpful. But I don't need to know trigonometry, science, geology, geography, multiplying fractions.

6:30I don't have to know any of that to put together a really good life. Now, obviously, we want kids to learn practical math so that they can budget and save money and don't get ripped off. But making money is often more about being opportunistic and using your gifts and passions to meet unmet needs. It's about building impulse control and delayed gratification. But see, we don't give grades for all those things. And I definitely, with Casey, we wanted to make sure, hey, written and verbal communication, we are social beings and you will need to do that well. So reading and writing effectively, I would put a lot of time and effort into that.

7:10Look, if your kids are going to be a rocket scientist or a physicist, an engineer, a doctor, they're probably going to have a natural aptitude for math and science. but many of your kids are not going down that path. So just think really quickly. Here are the traits that I have found in my own life and many of my friends that have made us successful in every different area. Opportunistic, take risks, persistence, patience, making decisions. We miss this. Look, we're asking kids like eight hours a day with school and homework to fill out worksheets and just answer questions right or wrong. But you don't really learn much that way.

7:53You learn by making decisions. When you make a decision, you have to prioritize. You have to use critical thinking skills. It takes some courage to take a stand and say, oh, this is what I think. And you have to have a willingness to fail and then learn and then adjust. And you have to solve problems, build consensus, lead, and then obviously communicate and listen well, empathize and connect with people. All of those things I just mentioned are not really valued in our academic world and kids don't get grades for those things. So it's no wonder that many of our kids just shut down. So here's what I do encourage you to focus on.

8:35Give your kids opportunities to succeed in non-academic areas because we put so much focus. It's all on school and academics. Give them opportunities in as many different areas as you can. And I'll give you some examples. I'm going to go through. These are from clients we have had, things that they've done from preschool on up to high school. So we're working with this family, five-year-old. And their parents were worried. Why? Because, well, we're getting notes from the preschool that our daughter doesn't focus or follow directions well. And I'm like, well, that's kind of normal for a five-year-old.

9:15But from an early age, she was fascinated by plants. So the teacher was saying, hey, you know, she's supposed to be doing her worksheets and some of her work. Instead, she's got a little group of five kids around her showing them how to care for the plants that we keep in the classroom. Showing how to water them and then prune them by pinching off the tips of soft stems. sometimes and because at home mom had mom and dad have basil and some marigolds and some other flowers and I'm like wait how is that not an awesome thing because in order to take care of plants there's patience you've got to be conscientious she's learning about different types of plants how they grow best she's now teaching other kids that's leadership and you know what ended up happening I said no fully embrace this and so they did and you know what the daughter wanted to do?

10:14She got the teacher to allow them to start an herb garden at school. Now, I know some of you are like, well, what does that have to do anything? That has everything to do. I would rather have a child be doing that than just cramming a lot of facts inside their brain or memorizing things. I don't want to diminish the academic part, but we place way too much emphasis on that. I guarantee you this daughter, all of these different skills and attributes that she's using right now by following her gifts and passions will pay off one day. She will probably own a big nursery and maybe a series of them because she's passionate about that.

10:57And so don't overlook that. We have this one family, their child is into rock climbing. A lot kids aren't into team sports, but individual sports. Loves rock climbing. So he talked to the people at the rock climbing gym and began sketching out a way to create a wall in their backyard that he could climb. Started going to Home Depot, looking up the materials for it, and said, hey, I'll pay for part of this because I bet you I can teach younger kids how to do rock climbing and I can charge their parents for it. Now, just think, when you're rock climbing, think of the and this is a kid who was told he doesn't focus in school not on academics but when you're climbing we're doing rock climbing that's an intense amount of focus and strategy where do I put my feet where's that next hold coming through there's risk taking there is weighing it's weighing risks and decisions that is far more valuable look if you ask me like well, would you rather him be inside just doing extra homework, filling out worksheets, or would you rather him being out focused intently on his rock climbing?

12:12I'd be the rock climbing. Look at all those skills are directly applicable to stuff in the real world. Now, here's one of my favorite stories. And I may have told this one a long time ago, but it was a kid. And in science class, they were learning about childhood illnesses, and they became aware of the Ronald McDonald House where families can stay while their kids are undergoing treatment. And you know what this kid did? He, in his class, he persuaded the other kids in class to sell something that they really valued so that he could raise money for the Ronald McDonald House. And he sold some things that were very special to him so that he could raise money.

12:55Well, just think about that can-do attitude, the empathy, the compassion, the persuasiveness to do that, and then to organize all of that and begin going to the Ronald McDonald house to serve other people. See, I'll hire that kid in a heartbeat because he had a vision. He carried it out. Do you see what I'm saying here? See, when you start building confidence and rewarding kids for that, now it's like, okay, maybe I don't get all A's in my classes, but man, I built my own rock climbing wall. I'm already teaching kids at age five and taking care of plants around the house and starting an herb garden.

13:33And now I just raised four or $500 for a charity. I would rather have, I hope that makes sense. So you start building that now when kids have that reservoir inside that is filled with competence and confidence. Now when they encounter different difficulties, see they can overcome that. And one of the kind of conceits or limitations of our current age is we only want kids to do that. Well, you need to just push through. Our child doesn't push through in school. How are they ever going to make it in life? Well, that's not the only place you can push through. These kids are showing you can push through in different areas.

14:16Let me give you, I still have seven more tips. So let's keep going with this. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home.

14:55Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. So here's an example of an older kid doing this, and I'll shorten this one. So a kid's totally into camping, wanted to do a three-day long weekend expedition with his dad.

15:40And he said, Dad, you don't have to do anything. I'll put everything together. Now, look, this is a kid who is disorganized in school. Room is a mess. And you would think, how's he ever going to be successful in life? But pulls together all the camping gear, does the planning, knows where the water sources are for them, prepares the food for three days, maps it out, gets the right clothes ready because he looked at the weather forecast, has all the safety items put together. knows how to hang bear bags all of that done but won't do some certain things in school because he's not motivated right now but look at all of the thinking that goes into that and one more that I have to fit in here is like just take child a after school does some homework and I'm not minimizing it but sometimes homework for some kids is really easy it's comfortable let me fill Teachers like you did such a great job on your homework.

16:45And then there's child B who didn't necessarily do their homework, but built something really cool at home out of Legos or blocks or whatever. And they had they got a vision in their head and use their imagination to think of something to build. And then they started building and you have to make choices about how you build it. What's the scale of it? Well, now it's kind of top heavy. So now I have to learn from that and take some pieces off. there's so much decision making that goes into that but that kid goes into school the next day and doesn't get a grade for that doesn't get rewarded for that and just is told well you didn't do your homework and meanwhile that child probably did a lot more thinking than the child who just did the homework i'm not saying don't do the homework i'm saying put more of an emphasis on these things okay number four favorite phrase hey i believe you're capable yeah that assignment's really hard, but I believe you're capable of using that creativity in your imagination to do a really awesome job on that essay.

17:46Remember number five, step back so kids can step up. I don't have time for this now, but remember when we step back, it gives our kids an opportunity to step up and be responsible for themselves. We just like giving kids ownership to do it differently. Hey, here's what needs to be done. I relinquish control over how you get it done. So if you want to do it in some weird creative way, oh, go for it. Number six, encourage failure. So at the dinner table, in the course of everyday life, don't always ask, what did you excel in today? Instead, I'd say, hey, what did you try today that was difficult and that you failed doing?

18:24And normalize it for them. Oh, man, I had this proposal at work. I thought it was a really good idea. Submitted to the management team. And man, they shot it down. And what I learned from that is I hadn't asked enough people for their opinion. And so I left out some important parts. So now I'm going to go back with a new proposal and do that. See, you're normalizing failure and you're actually rewarding them for trying things like that. And that's why I want you to praise for their effort, not just, oh, you did a great job. It's like, man, I love your persistence because that thing you were building fell down and yet you kept going and you figured it out and you problem solved.

19:03Man, I love that. Number seven, this is very personal. Look, I'm an older guy. When we moved out here and started hiking, I have a fear of heights and I'm not really good in the snow. And so for the first couple of years, Casey kind of led and guided a lot of these big hikes that we've done. This past year, I started doing a lot of these on my own. Remember, I like mentioning nobody likes to be watched while they're struggling? Well, when I was by myself, I could struggle and figure out how to move in the snow and how to handle some of these places where there's exposure and I could fall off. And we just kind of finished up our hiking here because it's getting very snowy.

19:46And Casey looked at me and he said, Dad, you realize like last year you would have never done this or you would have been waiting for me to lead you. See, even at an older age, that growth mindset comes from trying new things and sometimes trying them by themselves. And it's really cool. And I can tell you as an old guy, it feels really good. Like I grew in confidence this last year and I don't need Casey around me all the time telling me what to do. Number eight, ask your kids to help you do something. Two quick ones, uh, working with a family, um, and they have a small business and they said, well, and I always ask my goal.

20:23Like when I'm talking to people, it's like, hey, tell me everything your child struggles with. I already know what your kids struggle with. What I want to know is, what are they really good at doing? And they said, well, our son's really good with spreadsheets. And I was like, why don't you let your son organize your family's business records on Excel spreadsheets? And they did. And now he does a really good job with it. Well, that's applicable to the real world. And then I've got several families I've heard from whose kids help them with social media and doing Instagram videos to promote their local business.

21:00See, that's an awesome thing. That builds confidence. Number nine, I mentioned this in a recent podcast. You know, one is accept your kids as they are and realize they're not going to do it your way. They don't need to pursue your path. They need to pursue their path. And that's why I like creating their own report card. So instead of the report card being all about academics, academics, it's no, here are the skills necessary for success in life. And I guarantee you, if you will make that list, you will find academics are important. Look, you have to have a base level of intellect and knowledge and proficiency.

21:39But what's more important are the intangibles that come with the taking risks and problem solving and making decisions and leading. I can tell you watching Casey in his other job that he has, he's gotten promoted several times. And it's not because of his intellect or his academics. It's because of all those intangibles of when they tell Casey, hey, here's what we need done. He's like, I've got it. You don't have to worry. I will be here. He's a good leader. He takes care of the people that work for him really well. They want to work for him because he's a good leader. He's a good problem solver.

22:20So when things come up and get messed up and he works in this really fast-moving environment, he knows how to handle it. He doesn't fold under pressure. That's another big one. That's a growth mindset thing of like, uh-oh, things aren't going well. Rather than panic, rather than blame it on other people, Casey is very good under pressure, partly why I like hiking with him, hard hikes, because he doesn't get flustered. And so think about those things and start putting that on a life skills report card of like, look, I know what's necessary for success in the adult world. Oh, you have those traits.

22:58You just struggle a little bit with some of the kid things. And number 10, I'm just going to end with this one because it's a beautiful story. It is a, that a mom just wrote to me about, and he said, dad has struggled with our son because he's, our dad sounds like me. This dad was like super into athletics as a kid, and their son wasn't, and he was very, very academic, has advanced degrees, and his son isn't into school, and so there's always been this subtle thing underneath of like, I'm not really proud of you. You still need to do more. You can never please me. And so mom said, I finally got your, I got my husband, my husband listened to your quick tips for dads episode.

23:45And he agreed, we got your downloadable program with the Black Friday sale. And he started listening. And he's begun to change. And last night before bed, I was putting my son to bed. And he said, mom, it feels really good to know that dad likes me now and she was like oh and I can feel that too as a dad because I kind of did that to Casey when he was little but the son also said this it said it feels like dad believes in me now and he's starting to notice the things that I'm good at not just the things he wants me to be good at now that will change your home that will that will um what's the word cultivate inside your child a growth mindset to know that my parents believe in me that they see good things in me and that they actually value it's not just like oh we love you you're so great.

24:44No, it's I see what's inside of you. Oh, I see it. That, those are good qualities. Man, that's going to lead you to be successful in life. And when you can say that confidently about your child, even though in the back of your head, you're like, but please, why can't they do their schoolwork and clean up after themselves? So here's your homework. I want you to really wrestle with these ideas. And if you need to apologize, just matter of factly, hey, strong willed child, I apologize. We have placed too much emphasis on just doing academic things and we've overlooked all these other amazing traits you have.

25:20And so look for opportunities for your kids to use their natural gifts, talents, and passions. And then very much value what they're doing and point out, hey, you know what? That took a lot of creativity, problem solving. Hey, I saw that you had to make a decision and making decisions is hard because you have to prioritize between things, but you're not afraid to do that. And you have courage to do that. And then when you messed up, you learn from it. Oh man, that is that though, that those qualities will make you wildly successful in life. So do that. Reconnect with your kids. Like the dad at the end of the story, I encourage you take advantage of the Black Friday sale.

26:01Go through our programs. We teach you how to control yourself, your own anxiety, and how to build this confidence in your kids. Let your kids listen to the programs. If you need help with this financially or any other way, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and he will help you out. And, Jess, good luck with this essay. I hope this helped you out. Okay. Love you all. Bye-bye.