12 Social Skills Ideas For Kids Who Miss Social Cues, Become Possessive or Boss Friends, Etc. #501

0:00We talk all the time about making yourself a priority so you can be your best for your kids. Let's make this the school year you feel rested and refreshed and just plain relaxed with Cozy Earth bamboo sheets, comforters, and duvet covers. And now is the best time to upgrade with 30 % off during their special Cozy Earth Labor Day sale. You know we live in our Cozy Earth pretty much 24-7 with the softest, most relaxing shorts, pants, dresses, and pullovers you can wear anywhere. And we end the day excited to sleep under the temperature-regulating Cozy Earth bamboo sheets and comforter. Cozy Earth's Labor Day sale is happening now through September 8th.

0:41Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off home and sleepwear. That's code CALM for an exclusive 30 % off. It's the biggest savings of the season. And please tell Cozy Earth the Calm Parenting Guy sent you. You're going to love Cozy Earth as much as we do. So let's make this the school year we give our kids tools to succeed in school by working with their natural learning style and feeding their curiosity. IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum and helps any student from K-12. With IXL, your child can explore any topic in any grade level.

1:26And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. Start with a fun class first and get a win. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have kids who struggle to connect with kids their own age, miss social cues, or act silly to get attention, who dominate conversations, get bossy during playdates or with siblings, become possessive with a friend, Do you have a child who gets anxious about going to school or summer camp and would rather isolate?

2:27You're not alone. This is very common with our kids. And I want to give you some practical tools to help. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and we're doing a special Christmas in July sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We're running this for 10 days, so take advantage of this so you can be ready for this coming school year. It has all of our programs for one low price. It's like 35 hours worth of content to understand your kids inside now. Okay, so let's understand why do our kids struggle with social skills.

3:07Many of your kids have something called asynchronous development. Asynchronous, out of sync. So intellectually, they're kind of up here, a little bit advanced. And that's why they have amazing talks with adults. And they're very good in the adult world. But emotionally, socially, sometimes they're a year or two behind. So you'll notice they're often really good with younger kids. Younger kids are kind of drawn to them and they naturally connect. Some of your kids are really good with animals. But who do they struggle to connect with? Kids their own age. Who do we send our kids to school with for basically the first 20 years of their life?

3:46only kids their own age. And that's very arbitrary. It is very unnatural. It doesn't happen after you graduate from school. None of you work for a company or at a company where it's only 37-year-olds. This makes it really tough for our kids. The good news is we're not raising our kids to be kids. You're raising them to be successful in the adult world, which is where they will spend most of their lives. Still, it's hard to watch your child struggle with peers and feel left out. Number two, your kids are going to miss social cues. One reason is because our kids are such deep thinkers. They're often kind of wandering around daydreaming and thinking about advanced concepts, but that causes them to be one step off from kids in their class.

4:35A lot of our kids will miss social cues because they struggle with anxiety. Well, if I have anxiety, I'm going to be very internally focused because I'm just trying to hold everything together. And I'm so worried about doing everything just right that I can't relax and look outside of myself. I felt that as a grown-up in different situations. Like when I say kind of dumb things to people and it's like, oh, I didn't really hear. I was just trying to get through that situation. And so your kids can become a little bit awkward and that's pretty normal. Number three, some of your kids are fiercely independent.

5:17They don't want to do group projects or collaborate. Teachers will send home notes about that. Disregard their concern. Your kids are usually independent entrepreneurial types who want to pursue their own passions and ideas with a single-minded focus. And we need people like that. So please don't worry. Look, I don't like collaborating with others. Mrs. Calm loves it. In grad school, she'd meet with other students, solicit and share ideas, work together on projects. In college, I basically told other kids I would do the group project by myself because I was actually a very good writer. And I would guarantee them a good grade if I didn't have to suffer through endless meetings with them.

6:01Plus, I didn't want my grade pinned to someone else's incompetence. Number four, most of your kids don't excel in traditional team sports, no matter how much dad or mom pushes. Well, that's a common way to connect with other kids, but our kids tend to prefer more independent activities like rock climbing, ballet, martial arts, gymnastics, and those things also meet sensory needs, which is interesting. How many of you have kids who would be much happier down the street talking to a 65-year-old guy about electromagnetic currents rather than kicking a ball around with a kid his own age? Number five, we've talked about this before, how our kids often feel like things are out of their control.

6:47So they will control people in situations. Sometimes they will dominate a play date and boss their friend around. And you'll notice they dominate conversations. It's not that they're intentionally being jerks. Some kids have auditory processing issues and or anxiety. By the way, I struggle with that. I don't like ordering through a drive-thru because I don't always hear it the right way. And so anxiety is caused by unknowns. Conversations can be scary because if someone asks me a question, that requires a response in the moment. And that's harder if you have auditory processing issues or if you're a slow processor, which is what many of your kids are.

7:38That's why you'll hear awkward responses from your kids. Sometimes they get embarrassed by that. But look, if I dominate the conversation and just talk about what I'm interested in, now I've eliminated that unknown. That's what's happening. Some kids act silly in class or they'll do something mischievous. Why? It's an immature and honestly it's a sad attempt to get other kids to like them or laugh. And they don't always realize the kids are laughing at them, but at least they're kind of included in it. Number seven, our kids can get very possessive of their friends. They're not aware of what they're doing, so you can perhaps help them out with this.

8:22But here's kind of what's going on inside. It took a lot of emotional energy for me to find one friend in my class. And this kid, he doesn't make fun of me. And he's a little bit different like I am. So I'm going to cling to that kid because I don't have a lot of other options. See, the popular kids have 20 different options. Everybody wants to be their friend. But some of your kids have like two options in class. So when they find that person, oh, they're going to lock on to him or her. Number eight, I know it hurts to see your kids struggle. To not get invited to birthday parties, sit alone in the cafeteria at lunch.

9:00It hurts. Sometimes, though, your kids don't want a lot of friends. but if they do decide they do want friends, I want them to have the tools to do so. So let's go through some different ideas. By the way, I'm going to throw this in there in case I don't say it later. A lot of you have kids that just don't want to do the normal things. Like they don't care about graduating and walking across the stage. They don't want to do senior week things. They don't want to do the prom. And you're going to be like, but you're missing out on a key part of childhood. And you have to watch that because that's a key part of your childhood and what you cared about.

9:41But a lot of our kids, they simply don't care. And they're not really sad sitting home on prom night or not walking across the stage. They're only sad if we keep saying like, are you sure you don't want to go? You're missing out on things. Instead, I'd rather say, you know what? I like and respect your independence. You know what you care about and what you value, and you have the courage to do that rather than just do what you think you should do or you're obligated to do. So just keep that in the back of your mind. So some different ideas. Number one, as always, I'm going to begin with our part.

10:17Do not impose your social preferences on your kids. That's kind of what I was just saying. Do not project your feelings onto your kids. I know it's hard to watch when your kids are left out and they don't have a lot of friends. Perhaps that part of life comes naturally to you and you derive a lot of satisfaction from time with your friends. So then you project and think, well, my child must be unhappy because he or she doesn't have a lot of friends. That's absolutely not true much of the time. A lot of our kids prefer to have fewer friends but deeper friendships. And that's actually very healthy.

10:55But if you're always saying, oh, honey, why don't you call your friend? Why don't you go to this event or try out for that team? That pressure will reinforce there is something wrong with them because you keep pointing out that they don't have many friends. Instead, you could affirm this choice. You don't have to have a lot of friends in life. Sometimes better to have fewer friends but deeper friendships because now you've got really loyal friends that you know really well that care about you and that you care about them. I think that's really smart. That'd be an awesome thing to do for your kids.

11:32Number two, normalize this for your kids. Let's just talk about middle school kids. They are in this awkward hibernation phase caught between being a little kid and a big kid with all these hormones raging. The social scene with Instagram, everything else is hard. So normalize it. Of course you would want to be by yourself a little more now. This is one of the hardest stages of your life. So take your time. As you figure out this new social landscape, you're going to be just fine. Now, here's a sample conversation you can have with your kids. Of course, you don't want to hang out with kids your own age.

12:09They talk about stuff you're not interested in. That's kind of boring. And they're always one-upping each other, and they're immature. And that makes sense that you wouldn't want to hang out with them. But you know what I do know about you? You're an old soul. And so it makes sense to me that you'd rather be around older people. Why? Because you're really curious and you love to learn. And those are such fantastic qualities. And with older people, you can have great talks and learn from their wisdom and experience. Plus, older people are settled. They're not trying to impress anyone. That's actually really mature of you to make that choice.

12:48Can you imagine how reassuring this would feel for a kid who's always felt left out? all right like that that he's never really fit in and it's felt like oh i should be like someone else and now to know it's smart and mature of him to do that and he's he or she is going to be okay here's another one of course you prefer hanging out with younger kids they look up to you and respect you and that's a great gift because there are a lot of good satisfying jobs that draw on that passion being a teacher an occupational therapist owning a martial arts studio you can help kids in lots of ways. Same with animals.

13:27You walk into that veterinarian's office and those animals actually calm down in your presence. You have a gift. You could be a veterinarian. We could actually begin volunteering to help rescued animals. See, you can begin affirming the good traits that they have to counter that stigma that they tend to carry with them. With the kids going back to school, Hungry Root's quick recipes are a savior on those busy weeknights. We just had the kids' savory beef, crispy broccoli, and fragrant jasmine rice with our nephew. This is utterly delicious, and it only took 15 minutes to prepare. Hungry Root takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your week of meals that fit your whole family's tastes and nutrition goals.

14:15It's like having a personal shopper and chef all in one so you can spend less time planning and more time enjoying your kids. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungeroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungeroot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. and let me know which meals you love most. Hungerroot.com slash Calm Co-Calm. We're talking on the podcast now about getting ready for back to school time. Here's another idea. Let your kids have some ownership of their homework space.

15:00Go to Wayfair.com. You'll find a huge assortment of desks, organizers, and school supplies that can help your visual learners. Let your kids pick out a few items. We switched one year to a standing desk so Casey could move while writing and doing work. It was a game changer. We love Wayfair.com because it's one-stop shopping right from the comfort of our home with fast free delivery even on those larger items. Oh, another idea. Get a whiteboard so you can visually lay out your schedule and chores. Wayfair makes this easy. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5 % back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade.

15:39Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Number three, if you are at all like your kids, it would be really reassuring for them to hear you say, hey, I have to go to these corporate get-togethers after work and have small talk. I hate those things. I struggle walking into big groups. So here's what I do. I go to one of these events and I pick off one person. You know why? Because I'm really comfortable and good talking one-on-one with people. But in a group, I feel awkward. It feels kind of overwhelming. I mix up conversations and voices.

16:21I kind of get lost and feel left out. But when I pick off one person that I have a common interest with, oh man, I really enjoy that conversation. So now you've just normalized that not everybody is supposed to be good at walking into a group and having good conversations. I taught my son this strategy as well. I would go, this is what I would do, I'd go to an after work event that I didn't want to go to. I would make sure I would show my face so my boss would see me there. I'd ask a couple questions in the group. Then I'd slowly remove myself, go to the bathroom and sneak out. I showed up, I made my presence known, but then I left.

17:06I'm normalizing this and giving some tools how to handle that. Number four, parents often ask, well, should I enroll my child in a social skills group? Look, I don't have a firm opinion. There are some good ones and some that just aren't so good. I'd ask around with friends. My hesitation is that once Once again, your child will feel like he or she is being fixed, that there's something wrong with him or her. And the truth is your child may not ever be really great at it. And that's OK. Just be careful with this. And this is coming from someone who has voted shyest boy in my high school class.

17:45And I just be just be very cautious with those things because like, well, we need to fix that trait. Sometimes there's nothing to fix. It's who they are, and we need to give them some tools so they can just navigate that. Okay, number five. When your kids are younger, host short play dates in your home. Keep it short. Get a success. And I'll show you how in number six. Show your kids exactly how to forge good friendships. Instead of saying, hey, you guys run along and play in your room, which really means, hey, go dominate and boss your potential friend around. Do this instead. Hey guys, I could really use your help for a few minutes.

18:31I was going to bake some cookies for the seniors at the retirement center. Could you come help me out? And I used to do this with Casey and his friend Aaron. They'd help me with a special project in the garage. Well, now you can model how to have healthy two-way conversations. and the formula we taught all the kids who came to our camps was one, you always ask questions of other people. It gets the focus off of you having to answer questions and people like talking about themselves. It makes them feel important and then you ask questions to find common interests that you may have because that's how friendships are formed, right?

19:15You and I do that. Our kids are on the same team or in the same class or you meet at an exercise class or group event and you become friends because you have a common interest. So while you're baking cookies or doing whatever project, you can begin asking questions of your child's friend, modeling how to do that for your child so he gets to hear it in action. You can compliment your child's friend also so they learn how to do that. You ask questions. You find a common interest. Number seven, over the summer, see if you can find a friend who will attend the same school as your child will. Then you can hopefully arrange for them to walk to school or be driven to school together.

19:59So if that means a couple days a week you have to go out of your way and pick up their friend at their house and take them to school together where the friend does that for you, it's really helpful to walk into school next to someone else I know. In the school setting, if your child is alone all the time, one is a target. At least if your child's at the locker or walking through the hallway, sitting in the cafeteria with one other kid, it helps. Number eight, people watch. We did this with kids all the time in our camps. Observe people, get a snack, go to a park, go to a playground. I used to do this with Casey on business trips.

20:40like in a hotel lobby. We would just observe and judge. I mean, we would just observe people. You know what I'm saying? And your kids tend to be pretty good at pattern recognition. So we would talk about it. Hey, what do you think is happening with those two people? Why do you think they're arguing? Do you notice anything different? Well, that guy's kind of a close talker. He's up in the other guy's space. Well, how do you think it makes the other person feel. Do you think you ever do that? Because some of your kids are close talkers. Observing and watching other people interact can be really powerful because your kids, again, they get to see it in action.

21:21Nine, one of my favorite tools for your kids is scripting out conversations for them. And I told you I was shyest boy in my high school class and I like this girl, but I wasn't smooth with the ladies, obviously. But I knew I'd see her for like 90 seconds in between fourth and fifth period outside. So you know what I was doing the night before? Because I was shy, I was anxious, I would script something to say to hopefully not embarrass myself. So you could actually get a whiteboard out and script conversations for your child such as this. Hey, on Monday, oh, you just Ask another kid what they did over the weekend.

22:01Tell them something interesting you did that they may be interested in. On Tuesday, ask what their favorite video game is. On Wednesday, their favorite movie. On Thursday, favorite sports team or animal or pet. And Friday's easy because you can say, what are your weekend plans? See, that's scripting for your kids, diagramming out social interactions. It gives them some measure of a framework that provides some stability there. And as odd as it sounds, your kids like routine and having a structure in place for how to have conversations. Number 10, role playing is really, really helpful. You could actually role play a couple typical conversations your child or even your middle school or teen might have.

22:47And you can let them know, hey, I do this in the business world. like I script out and and plan if I'm meeting a new client what's my opening what I'm am I going to talk about or in my presentation normalize this stuff we do all these things in the real world it's that we forget to teach our kids to do it number 11 teach your kids to observe and comment on the obvious so I was at the gym today and a guy had a cast on his leg that's an easy one out here where we live, it's usually a skiing or a mountain biking accident. So that's easy. Hey, how long is your PT going to take? You know, what happened?

23:27So now I get to have a conversation. That's why old guys, we talk about the weather, about sports. Part of the reason that especially last year, I wore the Yankees hat on hikes. Besides the fact that it gets a lot of derision on our Instagram videos, it's a conversation starter on hikes. Everybody has an opinion on the Yankees. They either hate them or love them. So teach your kids to observe classmates. What logo or sports team or movie character or entertainers are on their backpack, their sweatshirt? That's an easy conversation starter. Number 12. The most important social skills tool is confidence.

24:06A confident kid who feels good about himself or herself will relate more easily and naturally with others. They won't have to control others. They'll be more gracious and flexible. So keep building your child's confidence. Listen to the June 18th episode for more details. I did a whole six different ways to build confidence over the summer. I want your kids using their natural gifts and passions, being mentored by encouraging adults feeling positive about who they are. I also want them to understand how their brains work so that you can work with their nature. If you have our programs, go through them and listen first to the ADHD University one because I did a ton of very, very practical, but it's long.

24:52I can't fit in a podcast on building social skills and helping your kids with executive function, all the things in school. And thanks to Heather from San Antonio, Texas. She was bold. She asked us to run a special sale because she missed the Mother's Day sale. And we didn't run the Christmas in July sale last summer. So we're thrilled to build it back, bring it back for 10 days. CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for listening to the podcast. I know I can't get to everything, but I try to give you enough very practical things that you can work on some of these things this week or over the summer. so when your child goes back to school in the fall, they feel more comfortable.

25:32In fact, I would go if I could. Take them to the school. We talked about this with anxiety. Walk the halls a little bit. Let them plan out. When I go to my locker, this is what I'm going to do. That scripting thing, man, it is really helpful. So thanks for sharing the podcast. Thanks for making the time to listen. I will see you on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok. I'm more active on Instagram, but I so appreciate all the feedback we get and appreciate you taking the time. All right. Love you all. You're awesome parents. Bye.