3 Common Situations In Which You Can “Give In” & Still Be A Good Parent #531

0:00So I hope I don't get in trouble for this because I just decided to rename the Cozy Earth Classic Cuddle Blanket to the Cozy Earth Calm Cuddle Blanket. You know why? Because look, when your kids are upset, sometimes try this. Just walk into the living room, wrap yourself in. It's so indulgent and plush and unbelievably soft, this Cozy Earth cuddle blanket. Lay under there. If your child comes under with you, it will be instantly calm. You will connect. It is awesome. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. So one night, just wrap up in this heavenly blanket. Don't say a word. Before you know it, your kids will come and snuggle.

0:39It is instantly calming. Mrs. Calm and I have a daily routine. We lie under the blanket and talk with no distractions for just 15 minutes. Being under that cozy earth, calm cuddle blanket is the best part of the day. Then again, I live in the heavenly softness of cozy earth, bamboo joggers, pullovers, PJs, and hoodies all day long. I've got them on right now. Cozy Earth is my wardrobe. So head to CozyEarth.com and use my code CALM for up to 20 % today. You know our kids work best when they have some flexibility and get positive feedback. That's one reason I like using iXL. Whether you're homeschooling or just filling in some academic gaps with your kids.

1:23No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, iXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and iXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, iXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. make an impact on your child's learning, get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk.

2:08Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you ever find yourself in situations in which you're not quite sure if you should follow through on a consequence? Maybe you're involved in situations where your spouse is like, hey, we really need to do what we said we were going to do here. And you're thinking, I'm not quite sure that right now is the time to do that. Well, good. That makes you a parent. And that especially makes you a parent of a more strong-willed child because you are going to find yourself in these situations all the time. Lots of gray areas and second-guessing yourself and wondering if you're doing the right thing.

2:50Look, naturally compliant kids just do what you say. But you have a child who waits until the last minute, pushes the limits, and argues relentlessly. And it's hard. So I want to go through three common situations in which you can give in and still be a good parent. And I also want you to give you options for when you do need to keep your promises, even though that means you've chosen a three-hour meltdown from your child. So that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big ball sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

3:28Look, when we were young parents, we were surrounded by a community that tended to be very conservative, rigid, everything's black and white, and they demanded immediate obedience. And I'll tell you, that's a recipe for destroying your child and your relationship. So if you struggle with that, look up episode 512, 512 from August 24th, if you struggle with that whole immediate obedience thing. We were also taught, well, if you tell your child something, you always have to follow through because consistency is everything. Look, you know we believe in consistency. And in our language, we talk about keeping your promises rather than enforcing consequences because that just reinforces your personal integrity.

4:11Look, I promise you, if you do X, then this will be the outcome. And then I follow through because that's just keeping my promise. But know this, consistency is helpful and good. But consistency doesn't mean every single time, regardless of whatever else is going on. Sometimes you have to read the moment and trust your instincts. And that means backing off. It also means that sometimes you realize, oh, I just barked out that consequence. before I really thought it through. So the wise thing to do is apologize for being unrealistic and adjust your actions. Look, I can have strong opinions, but when facts change or I see the bigger picture, it's not dishonest to change my opinion.

4:59That's just called being mature. So you are going to get judged for this. And people will say, oh, you are coddling your child. You're giving in. But by now, you should be accustomed to being judged, so just ignore the haters. I always want parents trusting your own instincts and being confident. So, here's situation number one. Let's say it's Friday, and your daughter agrees to complete a task before the end of the weekend. But like most of our kids, she's going to procrastinate, and that will irritate you. because most of us want to lecture, well, honey, if you just get it done now on Friday night, you wouldn't even have to worry about it the rest of the weekend.

5:43And that makes perfect rational sense. The other unsaid part of this is, well, and then I won't have to worry about reminding you 18 times and actually doing it for you in the end. So could you please just do it now so it's easier for both of us? I get that. So guess what? But on Saturday night, your daughter goes to a sleepover, and maybe it's followed by a birthday party on Sunday. So she gets home late Sunday afternoon after being sleep-deprived, consuming food, dies in awful food, and she doesn't feel great. And of course, we as good parents are going to say, Well, honey, remember on Friday, you agreed that you would complete this task.

6:25And what happens? You spark a huge meltdown. And I know this is frustrating because you're probably thinking, It wasn't even a difficult task. And she should have done it proactively on Friday. And we as the parents did 83 tasks this weekend. And all we're asking you to do is one simple thing. Is that too much to ask? Why does this have to be so difficult? Look, I'm right there with you. And so you're wondering, well, do we push it? Because she agreed to do this. And if we let her get away with this, well, what kind of message are we sending if we don't follow through? So I want you to slow your world down inside instead of reflexively reacting out of your own anxiety.

7:07And you can think, okay, I've seen this situation before. My daughter is overly tired, not in a good place now physically or emotionally. And if I push right now, it is going to blow up into a four-hour meltdown. It's not going to work. She's not going to internalize any great life lesson. pushing right now is not being consistent or principle. I'll just say that it's just being stupid, right? So the message you are sending is that you're able to think that you're wise, that you're not rigid, that you have the emotional intelligence to recognize this simply isn't wise right now. So you're actually, the message you're sending is I have good judgment.

7:53I can read the moment in life. So you wait until the next day after she's gotten some sleep. That's also being called being merciful and we can all use that sometimes. You've made the right decision by reading the moment and I'll encourage you with some perspective. When you are in the midst of these intense parenting moments, it seems like these decisions by your kids will have lifelong consequences. Like if we don't make our four-year-old pick up her toys, she's going to grow up to be irresponsible and not get a job. Well, that's just not true. And I promise you won't even remember this get the task done by Sunday night moment years from now or even months from now.

8:37It doesn't really matter in the long run. Well, aren't we raising an entitled child? Well, if you do everything for your kids and constantly buy them things and never ask anything difficult of them and don't allow them to fail, well, yeah, then you'll raise an entitled child. But my assumption is anybody who's listening to our podcast isn't doing that. If you constantly give in to your child's tantrums because you don't like them being upset at you, oh, well, then your child's going to manipulate you all the time. But that's not what's happening here. You made a wise decision because you're a smart, confident parent.

9:18Trust your instincts. Just don't trust your anxiety. Now let me work in a bonus situation quickly. So this happened recently with a question. Your teen daughter asked, mom, I've got a chemistry test tomorrow, but I haven't studied. Can you just let me go into school late tomorrow and I'll take the test later this week? I don't think there's a wrong answer here. The preferred one is, no, I'm not going to do that. You'll just have to live with the outcome of your choices, and it's not the end of the world. And your daughter may call you mean and be mad at you. Fine. Be the parent. But you also wouldn't be wrong to say, hey, I've got your back this time, honey.

9:56Now, I don't do that every time. You just have to use some wise judgment. So example number two is a little different. Let's say you tell your son, Hey, if you want to get a shower tonight, you have to be done by 8 p.m. because that's your bedtime. And I know for many of you listening, this is a weird example because you're asking, what child wants to actually take a shower? I'd be happy if they took one at 11 o 'clock at night. But this is an actual real situation that happened with a couple that I was working with. So this couple was very clear with their expectations. And most kids will just take their shower and be done by 8 p.m.

10:35But that's not your strong-willed child. You know how this is going to go. It's 7 30. Has your son taken a shower? Of course not. He's too busy building or playing or creating. Lost in his own world. They even reminded him. Well now it's 7 45. Nope. And yes at exactly 8 p.m when this child is supposed to be done and in bed you hear the shower running just like clockwork. And like clockwork you react and march upstairs and understandably and predictably lecture. You know, I was very clear about being done by 8 p.m. And here it is, 8 p.m., and you're just starting your shower. You do this every time, son, and now you're going to get to bed late and not sleep well.

11:18You'll be crabby in the morning, and tomorrow you won't be able to focus in school. I know we've all done those lectures. Now, if you've worked through our programs, always go through the 30 Days to Calm program first because then you'll know how to stop reacting to these triggers and not lecturing so much. So look, if you keep your promises here, you're looking at an exhausting argument and meltdown, which means your child will get to bed even later. You may even have a little wrestling match where you turn off the water, your child turns it back on in complete defiance. You scream for him to get out of the bathroom.

11:57I'm not going to tell you again one more. I'm not going to tell you again young man And that guarantees you're going to tell him like five more times Then watch your strong-willed child goes to his room and fake like fakes like he's asleep and you go downstairs You're tending to your other kids and the 85 other tasks you have to complete and guess what? Now you hear the water running again and here's your moment of decision You have two options If you want to clearly send the message that when we say 8 p.m., oh, it means 8 p.m., not 8.04, not 8.20, not 8.35. It means 8 p.m. We want you to be able to trust that we keep our word.

12:39Well, then follow through. Just do it in an even matter-of-fact tone. When your child chooses drama and tears and arguing, you don't have to participate with your own drama. Be very business-like without a lot of words. I know that's hard, but you need to do that sometimes and just put up with the emotional exhaustion. But here's the other option. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain.

13:21That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them, it's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class, evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietician, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like ARFID. There's no wait list. It's covered by most insurance plans. And you can talk to an expert right away to get answers.

13:59So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit equip.health.com to get a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health.com. the next time you are in one of these situations I want you to take the emotional inventory of your home how are you and your spouse doing or if you're a single parent how are you doing did you have a long day at work have you been extra tired yet have you been sick are you on the same page with your spouse have you just had some fights recently over situations like this See, this all matters because at least one of you must be emotionally ready to endure the meltdown and the tantrum and the arguing that's going to happen if you follow through.

14:52I'd encourage you to even have like a code word or a code color with your spouse. So you can say like, hey, I'm on red tonight. And that just means long day at work. I'm done. I'm just going to yell if this happens. but maybe maybe you're both on green or one of you was on green and the other one's on yellow and you're like you know what I think we can handle this tonight because that's really really helpful because if you're not ready for it you will end up saying hurtful things to your child and you'll end up yelling and you're you're all going to be up till midnight so it can't I do want to say this, it can't always be the same parent handling these things alone, because that will lead to a lot of resentment.

15:38That happened in our home early on where it was like, oh yeah, honey, you're on green. Good. I'm on red. Because I was just emotionally immature until I learned how to grow up and handle these situations. And I don't want it to always be, oh, one spouse is the one always doing the tough stuff. So you got to dig in and help each other out here. So let's say you hear the shower turn on at 8 p.m. and you read the moment and say, we just don't have it tonight. So in this case, you choose the wise route and let your son take a shower even though he's late. and then you go and you enjoy your other kids or maybe you just sit with your spouse and have a glass of iced tea or wine and you connect with each other and you give each other that knowing smile and reassure each other that this is the wise move tonight, that you're not raising an entitled child, that you're not bad parents.

16:42Now, just know your son is going to take an extra long shower and that's going to trigger you because not only did he disobey, now he's using all the hot water and when you were a kid, you didn't get... So you have to once again be patient and mature and not react to your triggers. And this makes your day job look really easy, doesn't it? By the way, I have a podcast coming up in a few weeks on dealing with your triggers. I am so excited about this one. So make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss these. It's fantastic. I'm super excited about it. So look, so you enjoyed a drink and a snack with your spouse or yourself.

17:26And now your child is in bed at 8.20 instead of 8 p.m. And you go up and kiss him on the forehead and smile and say, oh, you smell so good. When you want to say like, oh, you actually smell good for once. But oh, you smell so good. I hope you sleep so well tonight, honey. Love you. and then you walk out of the room and second guess yourself and wonder if you just created a spoiled child, but you didn't, just know that you don't go up at 8.20 and lecture and remind him that this is never to happen again. Smile, kiss, love you, and move on with your evening. Look, either option is good and reasonable.

18:08should you consistently choose that path so just kind of like let him get away so that your word becomes uh doesn't become worthy of respect well absolutely not but you know that you may need to re-evaluate if your expectations are reasonable you have to re-evaluate and say like hey are we kind of letting these things slide all the time because we just don't want to deal with our child's meltdowns and tantrums. Well, if that's the case, then you need to course correct and adjust that. And you may need to focus more on giving your child tools to succeed and creating successes rather than always being left with these hard choices.

18:53But there are moments, there are nights, there are days when you say, hey, I'm going to pick up the toys instead of getting upset. I'm going to tidy my child's bedroom and not say a word. I'm going to pick up that bike that was left in the driveway and not donate it to goodwill like I said I was because sometimes I choose wisdom and sometimes I just choose mercy. All right, number three. This is a situation that happened with our son Casey when he was about 12 or 13. We lived in Nashville at the time and on Friday nights we used to go downtown under this bridge and we'd help feed homeless people and it was kind of a big deal to our family.

19:31And there's this one Friday night when Casey had left his favorite sweatshirt at the gym. And I said, hey, we'll just get it tomorrow. It'll be fine. We've got to go. We don't want to be late for this because we made a commitment to that. And he, of course, said, Father, I always trust you because you're a man of impeccable wisdom and also impeccable taste in hoodies yourself. Yeah, that didn't happen. Casey laid into me. You know how our kids are. They can get very personal and mean and defiant and demanding. and I'll just tell you from a dad's point of view, here's what was going through my head.

20:07Number one, it's just a stupid old sweatshirt. Who cares? Number two, nobody's going to take your gross sweatshirt anyway. Why would they? It'll be there on Saturday morning when we go to the gym. No big deal. Just get in the car. And then thirdly, why are you talking to me like that in that tone? I never would have done this to my dad or another authority figure. What kind of defiant child am I raising here? You know what? I'm just going to call the gym and tell them to find your nasty sweatshirt and throw it away. Just burn it. That's what's rumbling through my brain and heart while I'm wrestling with all these conflicting emotions.

20:45So if you struggle with any of those things, that means you're a normal human being. Being calm doesn't mean, oh, I'm just always happy and positive. Nothing bothers me. No, you have to learn to work through those triggers in the moment so you don't blow up situations and relationships. So I slowed my world down inside. I stepped out of my own anxiety, my own dread of being late for events and disappointing other people. That's a trigger for me. I had to step out of my own desire for my son to just listen to me for once and trust me on this and not make everything so difficult and dramatic. And I also dealt with my own hypocrisy.

21:33I love my favorite comfy hoodies. To him, look, he may as well left like$500 at the gym. And I know that I also freak out more over small things like leaving my hoodie than over big things. Casey was just a constant mirror, a reflection back to me. And sometimes I resented that but it ultimately helped me grow up so one of my go-to's during this moments was always just going to the bathroom for a few minutes or saying hey I need to go get a drink of water because it would buy me like 30 60 90 seconds to think through how I wanted to respond because I had spent Casey's younger years being so reactive and it just almost ruined my relationship with him so I learned how to reset myself in the midst of the chaos of these conflicting thoughts.

22:24So I stepped outside of myself. I purposefully chose to look at my son, not as a defiant, disrespectful kid, but as an anxious kid who lost his sweatshirt. He loved that sweatshirt. My son always struggled with a lot of anxiety. And that whole night, I knew what was going to happen. He'd just be worried about like, hey, is my sweatshirt okay? Am I going to get it back? And you know what I knew also? I'm the same way. I'm exactly the same way. And sometimes you choose mercy. And I want you to know that for some of you, when you choose mercy on your child, even when he or she doesn't deserve it, you're healing yourself because you never got this from your mom or dad.

23:08And now you are giving it to your own child and it will begin to heal something inside of you. So I pivoted and said, okay, here's the deal, running a little bit late, but if you'll load the car, fill it with the water and food, I'll get ready. We'll swing by the gym. You can run in, get your sweatshirt. And before I had even completed the sentence, he ran to the kitchen and began loading the car. I could tell he was relieved and grateful. And on the way to the gym, guess what I heard? Dad, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm wrong and I'm sorry. And we ended up bonding over this.

23:45We had a really special evening feeding homeless people together. We problem solved how to handle it differently the next time. Now, did I give in to my son by taking him to the gym? You could say that if you want. I'm okay saying like, yeah, I'm guilty of that. Or did I just read the moment? Was I just using some wisdom there? Look, there are times I want you to be absolutely rigid and consistent. Your no is your no. Nope, you don't get to go to that party. No, you may not buy that. You can't have that or continue to play that. No, you may not have social media apps on your phone. You must turn in your phone at 9 p.m.

24:18Yes, you may through the biggest tantrum ever. Throw yourself on the floor. Be angry at me. You give me the silent treatment. Say I'm the meanest mom or dad ever. I'm perfectly okay with that. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. That's a beautiful place to be able to be. I also want you to know you can be really tough while your child is wailing away and you're still a good parent. I want you to know you can read the moment and purposely choose not to follow through, to give in, and you're still being a good parent. I'm reinforcing this because I've noticed a trend in emails lately from dads especially saying this, hey, I was skeptical about buying your programs because men are always skeptical about that.

25:02But what I am finding is that because you were the authoritarian dad who changed, it feels like you're giving me permission to break that cycle from my own dad and be an understanding dad without being a weak dad. And I love that. So this week, begin practice doing the opposite of what you normally do. If you're naturally more rigid, then practice being flexible this week. If you tend to give in more or you don't want your kids being upset, then practice being more consistent and tough. because I want you to be a parent with confidence and no guilt. I promise. If you keep our programs playing on the app fairly constantly, just in the background, this will become second nature to you.

25:49And you will begin to anticipate issues before they blow up. Thank you for working so hard to change. Moms, dads, grandparents, I have so much respect for you. I appreciate you sharing the podcast. If you need help, if you have questions or need help financially with the programs, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecom.com and he'll be glad to help you. Okay, love you all. Bye-bye.