3 Ways to Change Your Child’s Irritating Behavior (And Yourself!) #519

0:00So we just got back from our annual family vacation at the beach. Guess what everyone was jealous of? our cozy earth cooling bamboo sheets and stylish beach towel, which is heavenly soft and dry so quickly. Yeah, we love our cozy earth bamboo sheets so much, we travel with them. Look, after a long summer day hiking or working outside, being in the sand, there is nothing more satisfying than slipping under the heavenly softness of our cozy earth bamboo sheets. They naturally wick away heat moisture from your body and that helps you sleep several degrees cooler and lounging around in our cozy earth bamboo shorts t-shirts and pjs all summer 10 out of 10 comfortable and cooling made from viscose from bamboo breathable soft and built for summer head to cozy earth.com use my code calm for an exclusive 20 off that's code calm for an exclusive 20 off at cozy earth.com and please tell cozy earth the calm guy sent you So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer.

1:08The parents signed up to learn calculus and Spanish at IXL.com slash Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. iExcel is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer?

1:51Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iExcel now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. You have strong-willed kids who are going to do things that are annoying, irritating, and sometimes just wrong, and you'll be justified in getting angry and correcting them. But I want you to take a different approach this week. I want you to turn what usually separates you from your child into a bonding opportunity to draw you closer.

2:33I want you to deal with your own triggers and not allow that to cause you to simply correct your child all the time and reinforce that there's something wrong with them. Because if you react and correct continually, your child will eventually either shut down or get angry and wreak havoc. So I want to give you three examples of controlling your own anxiety, controlling your control issues, and instead we're going to turn irritating behaviors into bonding moments with both little kids and teens. And that is what we're going to do on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com or on Instagram at the Calm Parenting Podcast where I'm very active.

3:19And by the way, I just thought of this. That's kind of a perfect example. I generally hate social media and I vowed to my family last year that I would never be on Instagram. And now it is my favorite platform for interacting with parents on a daily basis. And I think we've actually taken what is irritating and actually created a supportive community there where people don't judge each other because you all have strong-willed, difficult kids. And it's so nice for parents to say, yeah, my child does that. Yep, mine does that as well. So let's dig in. Here's example number one. Let's start with like a really little kid.

4:00So one of our strong-willed little kids, just think about this. Look, they do these things so differently. And what this little kid was doing is he tears his pancakes into pieces with his hands rather than using a knife or fork. Dad predictably gets upset and corrects his son. The son probably or predictably ignores his father and drowns his pancakes in syrup. Dad then takes the cue from the dad handbook and yells, you're no longer allowed to use syrup or food I buy if you're going to waste them. And then after snatching the syrup from his son's hands, true story by the way, the son runs out of the house.

4:44Sure, dad proved his point and won, I guess. But what really happened? Dad missed a huge opportunity to bond, to learn about his son, and grow closer in the process. So a few points. One, model the behavior you want your kids to emulate. They will do what you do, just not right now and never on your timeline. By the way, the more you push, the more they will resist. I promise you when you step back and you give them some space to step up, they will. But it'll be, look, it's especially after you stop trying to fix them all the time. Model correct manners, model eating healthy, exercising open doors for people let someone cut in front of you in traffic be generous leave good tips live with gratitude model it don't lecture it it will be in their dna it just takes a few years to express especially when you stop trying to force it number two learn to control yourself and your own control issues you need your kids to do things your way they aren't always going to do that.

5:53So let go of it or you will be creating countless power struggles. Look, I'm tougher on you because you're a grown adult. Look, you're always like, well, my kids are doing that because they have control issues. I'm like, really? Where do you think they got that from? We all have control issues. And I'm asking you to stop creating all these unnecessary power struggles and creating some of you create drama. And there's no need for that. Number three, you are anxious because you fear your child is going to be tearing his pancakes apart at a business breakfast when he's 28 or when he's at a neighbor's house.

6:31And you'll be embarrassed. And I get that. That's a legitimate thing that you feel that we all do as parents. But honestly, that's your own immaturity, allowing fear of being judged by others to change how you engage with your child. Do not project into the future or you will parent out of fear. And I always like to remind men, you were a dopey kid once too. And you turned out just fine. So relax with some of that stuff. Number four, when you react out of your anxiety and perceived defiance, I know as a guy, I thought everything my son did was just defiance. He's just defying me. It's not always.

7:12They're just being kids. All that happens is we escalate situations and it never really works. So number five, try this script and attitude next time. For some of you, this is going to crush you. You're going to be like, I can't do that. If you're doing that, I want you, of all people, I want you to do it. Hey, you know what, son? I never would have thought to eat my pancakes like that. And I know in your head you're like, because it's stupid and it's not right. I get that. think all the sarcastic and awful thoughts that you want. Just don't say them or act upon them. So you know what, son? I never would have thought to eat my pancakes like that.

7:52I'm curious. Does that make them taste differently? Do you like how it feels tearing them up like that? Be curious. And then do the same exact thing. Tear up your pancakes. Look, we're not talking about a moral issue here. We're just talking about a preference and something that a little kid is doing. So tear up your pancakes and say, you know what, when I tear these up, it allows me to soak in more butter and syrup on each piece. That's a cool discovery, Evan. Now notice your child's response to this. I guarantee you that will elicit a smile. And perhaps for some kids, the first time they feel understood or accepted, even though they know they do odd things, And I cannot tell you how important that is for changing the dynamic for some of you in your relationship.

8:47That will change behavior more quickly than anything else. So stop fighting everything and enter into their world. You will discover it's a really interesting place the way their brains work, even if it annoys you. Otherwise, I promise you this is what's going to happen. Dad and son will slowly drift apart. Son senses dad doesn't like him and is never pleased. The chasm widens and before long, there's hostility. Both sides dig in. It gets ugly and you'll end up living with regrets. And it usually leads to more marital issues, less sex, more divorce, less money. Number six, use this as an opportunity to learn about your child's brain and how he or she sees the world.

9:39See, because you are too busy getting upset and correcting your child all the time, we miss these clues. He's a tactile kid who probably learns best by manipulating things with his hands. Oh, see, you can use that in a classroom and during homework time to teach him more effectively. This is a sensory kid who likes how things feel in his or her hands. Perhaps he likes to solve puzzles or he's a visual learner who sees in three dimensions and makes different shapes with his pancakes. So maybe you could teach him math and science with pieces of pancakes. Number seven, we talked about this on the last podcast, bond with your child over things that irritate you.

10:21These moments can drive a wedge between you and your child that get really bad over time or you can have the maturity, the wisdom and presence of mind to enter in and bond with your child over something that usually irritates you. And when you discover that place, it is beautiful and you're connected instead of fighting. So I want you to do this more. Look, it's easy to justify being frustrated because you're technically right. But relationships change behavior, not all your lectures. So I love getting messages that aren't about parenting. A mom said, we are on a three-week road trip this summer with four kids.

11:00Yes, we're playing your parenting programs because the kids think they're learning our secrets. But what has helped a ton is the Cure hydrating packets. The kids love, and occasionally fight over, the different flavors, and they are amazed we keep letting them have Cure. We didn't tell them they're healthy, so they think they're drinking something loaded with sugar when there's none in there. Cure has saved us tons of money because they're not begging us for sodas and sports drinks. Our strong-willed son, of course, will only drink the adult flavors. And they even take them into restaurants to mix in the water.

11:38That's awesome. Look, if you need to resupply on the road, you can now get Cure at Target. Or get 20 % off at CureHydration.com with code CALM. That's CureHydration.com, code CALM. So this is our second summer out here, and what we have missed most is having friends over for dinner. It's such a pain to go to those big box stores and carry home huge items, so we went to Wayfair.com. We picked out deck furniture, a grill, fire pit, and yard games. Boom! Easy! Fast free shipping. Last night was kind of magical, and it was simple. We had friends over for a dinner outside, with the fire pit going, kids playing cornhole, just good conversation and laughs.

12:23We like Wayfair because it's one-stop shopping for everything we need inside and outside our home with prices that fit our budget. So now after a long day or on weekend mornings, we have an outdoor gathering space. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. way fair every style every home

12:59okay example number two slightly older child you've got a daughter who doesn't clean up her room despite being asked 47 times a day and my guess is she is one of those kids with busy brains who's very creative and strategic but struggles with executive function a bit so before long her room is out of control and so beyond help that she's too overwhelmed to even know where to start so she kind of just checks out and ignores it and you'll wisely say well honey if you just spent three minutes a day you could stay on top of it which is a perfectly reasonable rational and wise time management idea that unfortunately will probably not work with many of our strong-willed and neurodivergent kids and that's one of the hardest parts of raising these kids is that you're not always doing something wrong it's just that the things that you do don't work with these kids.

13:51And so here's what happens. Every time you walk by her room, it makes your skin crawl. You feel anxious. You may feel like she's not respecting your home because you value order and things and you like things neat. So this is a big trigger for you, understandably. And it bothers you on a deep level. You wonder how she'll ever be able to function in the real world with all its responsibilities if she can't even keep her room neat. And you'll be tempted to lecture a lot and give consequences, and take away playdates and screens and post finds. I get it. But let's choose to do this instead. Because the other way is not going to work.

14:29Because look, if the normal ways worked, you wouldn't even be listening to this podcast. So I appreciate you being open to doing things differently. So let's do this. I want you to go in happily with a smile on your face and do a good, not perfect job organizing her room and cleaning. That means you're actually doing it. And I know that's going to irritate you and bug you, but just do it. See, now we have a good baseline for her room being organized. Now, take a picture of her room. Do the before and the after picture when you organize it. And you can hang those pictures on her wall because many of our kids are very visual.

15:17They don't respond to all the words. We use way too many words. A lot of our kids have auditory processing issues. So it all gets jumbled in there. It's too much. But that visual can be extremely helpful because she can look at it as a guide and she'll know what an organized room looks like. Next step, which I think is cool, make an Instagram or YouTube video of how to tidy up. You get your kids to do that. They can add music to it. How I keep my room clean. She could actually watch the video and let's say you do five steps in five minutes to keep it like that because kids love videos and that may be a fun way to show and teach her.

16:01I really like that idea. Five steps in five minutes and it's visual and it's fun and there's music and it doesn't have to be your annoying voice just lecturing her all the time. And I want you to turn this into something you bond over. Instead of expecting her to do this on her own for three minutes or five minutes every day, make it a bonding time together. Mom, Dad, play some music she loves. When you walk into her room, most songs are about three to four minutes long, and you can walk in and say, hey, we're going to do one song cleanup, or we're going to do a two-songer today. Make it fun. Go alongside her.

16:40if you feel like it dance a little bit while you're doing it get it tidied up it was three to four or five minutes of your day which is a lot quicker and easier than bugging her for 17 minutes or two hours every day then give her a hug and leave the room even if you did most of it because you probably will and I can promise you I can guarantee you I've worked with almost a million families I know these kids I know you're gonna think but I did most of it how's she ever gonna to do it. They'll do it when they grow up and when they value this and when they care about it, when it's their own home.

17:14I promise they will. And don't think like, well, I'm just creating an entitled child. Well, you create an entitled child if you do everything and you just give them a lot of stuff. This, you went in and bonded. You helped her out. You were patient. And watch, you know what she's, I guarantee that this is more important than you think. I can tell you one day, this will all be a distant memory. You're not going to remember like, oh my gosh, when she was a kid, she didn't keep our room cleaned. You will regret hurting your relationship over this if you do not change. But if you do it right, your daughter will remember that you were patient with one of her weaknesses, that you smiled and had fun with her instead of just constantly correcting and getting on them.

18:05And you know what else? You still got what you wanted, an organized room, or you can just fight over it for 18 years. It's your choice, but you do have a choice in this. Okay, example number three, maybe this is a tween or teen. And these are all true stories, by the way. There are examples from real life people I've worked with. This is a teen or tween who barges into your bedroom late at night. You're lying in bed at 11 p.m. on a weeknight, exhausted by work, exhausted raising a strong-willed child or three. You're ready to sleep. And in barge is your son who flips on bright lights, takes off his shirt, and proceeds to flex in front of you.

18:50And you would be justified. You'd be normal in being angry and frustrated, yelling at your son to turn off the lights. I I heard that the first time I worked with this parent, I was like, oh man, what came up in me is, what are you doing? You don't come into our room and just turn on the bright lights when we're trying to go to sleep. That's rude. What were you thinking? That is easy for me to do. I could lay into this kid for three or four minutes like that. It just doesn't work. It doesn't do anything good. So you're justified. That would be very normal. you're lecturing about how he's rude and selfish behavior.

19:30You wouldn't be wrong. And yet in this case, it's not the right or helpful thing to do. Besides, what are you going to do anyway? Lecture him? Give your child consequences and take away things? You've probably already taken away everything they own. Like that's worked for the past 4, 7, 10, or 14, or 17 years of his life. And here's why I want you to do it differently. Think back over the typical strong-willed child's life. Probably came out of the womb fighting. They feel like they're swimming upstream in life, like everybody's against them. They fight with their siblings. They struggle to connect with peers.

20:05They're impulsive. They're in trouble a lot. They're in red on that behavior chart. They feel inferior to siblings and classmates who are naturally good at everything. They're accustomed to being judged. They feel very misunderstood. So you have to decide who you're looking at right now. And you only get so many of these moments throughout their childhood. Too many times I reacted with anger and frustration and further drove, I drove this deep into his heart when he was little, that I didn't really like him, that he couldn't really please me. And that hurts, that sticks, that destroys. So is this child acting in a disrespectful, rude way right now?

20:50Absolutely. But this is the kid I want you to see, and more importantly, who he wants you to see. This is a kid who feels so badly about himself that he knowingly does something incredibly irritating to his parents, precisely because he is desperate for them, for anyone really, to notice one good thing about him. And if you really think about that, it will hit you inside that this kid has such a lack of confidence inside, that he's used to everything being negative, that he risks this. And he knows it's going to irritate you because he's desperate to notice one good thing because I'm not good at sports, I'm not good at grades, I'm not good at behavior.

21:45and yeah I know this kid probably stinks right now but inside is a little boy who's felt different since he was little never lived up to your expectations desperate to be affirmed for what he's doing well instead of feeling like nothing he ever does is good enough he doesn't get good grades or good behavior like his sister so instead of reacting you curse softly into your pillow Look, I'm a realist. I don't expect you to say, son, I'm so glad that you burst into our room. No, you should be irritated. You should curse. But I want you to curse into your pillow, not at the kid. Then you sit up in bed and you take notice and you change your tone of voice.

22:31You change the look on your face. Hey, wow, Peter, I can tell you've been putting a lot of effort into your workouts, that's really paying off, man. You're getting jacked. Why is that so hard to do? Can you do that? You're not saying it's okay for him to barge in and wake you up. You're being the grown-up who realizes there's something larger at stake here, which is your son's confidence, your son's well-being, emotional well-being, mental health. What's at stake is your relationship with this child because this kid, your kid, expects you to lecture and yell and knows you wouldn't be wrong to do it.

23:17But he's being vulnerable and he's taking a chance that maybe this time it will be different and you only get so many chances. And a few days later, you ask your son this, hey, you know what? I could actually use some help getting in shape. Could you show me a few exercises at the gym? Because it's clearly paying off for you. So you remember in the last episode of the podcast, we talked about this briefly, that one of the best ways to bond with the child is to ask the child to teach you something, to teach you how to get in shape, something he or she is good at doing, right? Now, look, I honestly, I hope you can go at a better time of day than later at night than when your child wants to go.

24:05But who cares if you lose a little sleep and you go work out at eight o 'clock or nine o 'clock, or look, heck, with some of your kids, with some of your teenagers, going out with them at 10 o 'clock at night is an incredibly great bonding opportunity to do now and then. So if you lose a little sleep and you go work out late, even if it's not when you like to work out, look, I like to work out in the morning. I don't even like working out in the afternoon. I would hate going out with my son to the gym or down in the gym basement at nine o 'clock or 10 o 'clock. And I would hate that as you should.

24:40But I guarantee you, if I did it, it would be worth it in the long run. Don't you think that will change his behavior more than another lecture or another consequence? It is relationships that change behavior more quickly than anything else. You only get so many moments like this. So I want you this week, here's your goal, turn what is irritating into an activity that you can bond over. I promise you, You will never regret this. You and your child will look back on this. I promise you, because my son and I do, decades later. And if you don't do this, you're going to have regret over this. But I want you to pass the test in these tense moments.

25:25Okay, you've got your goal. Think about something your child does that is irritating, not hard to do, and then really dig deep to find a way to bond over this. It will radically change your relationship with this child. And when you change the relationship, behavior usually follows. All right, moms and dads, I know you can do this. Thanks for letting me be tough on you, and thanks for taking on this challenge.