5 Easy Ways To De-Escalate Meltdowns & Sibling Fights This Week #548

0:00It is that wonderful time of year between Christmas and the new year when you have tired, irritable kids who are bored out of their routine. They're bugging each other. Your family may be watching you as you parent your strong-willed child, and that can cause you to be more on edge or less patient with your kids. Siblings are together all day. You and your spouse are together all day, and usually you don't spend all that time together, and so that may cause a little tension. And what I want you to know is this is perfectly normal. It would be weird if people were emailing, You know what? Everybody is getting along so well.

0:34My spouse and I are on the same page with discipline. We're perfectly aligned. That would be weird. So how can you de-escalate tense standoffs and sibling fights instead of ruining entire days? That is what we're going to discuss on today's special ad-free episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find our new ad-free option at CelebrateCalm.com. And we have extended our Christmas sale on our programs. Why? Because you need it now more than ever. So let's go through five different things very quickly. Number one, think about yourself before anyone else.

1:12And I know this will initially sound selfish, but it's not. The greatest gift you give your family is not what you do for them. It is what you do for yourself. See, when you make your own needs a priority, when you take care of yourself first, then when, not if, the inevitable meltdowns come later, oh, you're going to be more patient. You can problem solve. But if you're anxious, tired, and on edge, you'll react to every little thing your kids do, and it will just spiral. And your strong-willed kids will sense that there's blood in the water when they know that your tents are fighting with your spouse, and they will push all your buttons.

1:54And before long, you're all yelling at each other in their tears. We don't want that. So get yourself prepared for the day ahead. Make your own needs a priority. Even if it's for seven minutes, for 15 minutes, what does settle you? Do you need a quick run or workout with weights? Because that's awesome for stress. Do you need a good cry? Sometimes I get that through certain music or time alone. Is it prayer, meditation, yoga, reading sacred texts? Is it simply sitting alone, drinking a cup of coffee or tea? Here's a challenge for you. If you're together with family, I want you this week, make a meal that you want to eat, even if it's different from what everybody else is eating.

2:38Because they're going to ask why you're doing that. And there'll be like some subtle judgment. Stop trying to please your parents and siblings. You are a grown adult. You get to do what you want. And I want you to make your needs a priority. priority and I don't want you to feel guilty for that. See it as a gift for your family. See, because I am taking care of my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, I'm going to be a lot more patient with you later. Number two, here are some proactive tools that you can begin doing now. Don't be afraid to split up the kids. Never feel guilty about having one parent take a couple kids and the other parent takes another because you know our strong-willed kids are awesome when you're one-on-one.

3:21But you can rotate the kids so they each get one-on-one time. If you're a single parent, have an aunt and uncle or grandparent take one or two of the kids. I want you to get outside. Even if you're in Minnesota or Alaska, I don't care. Fresh air changes moods. Even when your kids complain, because they will, lead them. Go outside. Play games. Play the games we did as kids. Go skip stones. Build a fort in the woods. Do a treasure hunt in the snow. Do a service project. Picking up trash. And then reward the kids with a special lunch somewhere fun. Sensory exercise is critical. That means pushing, pulling, climbing, shoveling dirt or snow, landscaping, lifting heavy things.

4:03If you were visiting family, find some alone space for your overwhelmed kids. We'd let Casey disappear. We used to stay at our brother's house and he had this walk-in closet in our extra room. And we were like, just go hide in there if you want. He just needed the decompression time. And I remember occasionally sneaking a snack into the closet and saying, don't tell anyone. Let's just hang out here and watch a movie because I need some time away from everybody else also. Such great bonding memories with some of those weird things that you do. This is a chaotic time, so give your kids something they feel in control of.

4:42And I also want you to know this. Your kids often feel overwhelmed during the school year. So if they just lay around and have downtime, that's an okay option too. Number three, plan for the meltdowns and change the environment. So I want you to wake up every morning and know that there is a very real possibility that you're going to experience chaos, squabbles, arguments, and kids complaining. You know those days when everyone and everything just feels off and your kids are kind of crabby? No one's fighting yet, but everybody's kind of getting on each other's nerves. I remember feeling this irritation kind of creeping up my body.

5:22But I had a very definite choice. I could have expended some emotional energy to change the dynamic. But I would often give in and kind of feed into that ick. And I chose to play, I chose to use it as an excuse to yell at Casey or rant about my resentments about all I do for the family. Think about this. Here's what was kind of happening. Because he was having a bad attitude, it allowed me to justify my own bad attitude inside. It was like I used his misbehavior as an immature excuse for my own misbehavior. I just want you to recognize when that dynamic is happening. So you've seen this at work.

6:09Your kids misbehave and they don't listen. Then they lie about it or they make excuses. and that triggers you because you saw them defy you with your own two eyes. And it feels like you're in some alternate universe and you find yourself interrogating a child and trying to extract a rational confession from them. But it just makes you more angry. So what do we all do out of frustration? Oh, we go right to consequences. You know what? I'm going to take away your favorite new toy you got for Christmas. That's always a stellar option. and then they still don't respond the way you were hoping with some humility.

6:45Maybe they're even, you know, little smart alecks like our son who would just say, I don't care. The gifts you got me were stupid anyway. And so here's your excuse, your justification. Fine. Guess what? You know what? I was just going to take it away for a couple of days, but let's just make it another month without your screens. And then you know what happens. That's escalation and tears and tension with your spouse, guilt inside, because you know that once again, you didn't handle that right. Maybe there's some shame because your spouse and kids are once again looking at you, kind of acting like a child.

7:21I was there all the time with that. So let's develop a go-to plan, an exit plan that you practice over and over again. Here's one. Just go to the bathroom. It usually guarantees you get a minute or two of privacy without looking at that child who you are allowing to infuriate you. Or just sit. It's helpful. Sitting is a powerful tool. I love it because it's hard to yell while you're sitting. But in more intense situations, it wasn't enough for me and I needed to do something physically. So I'd say, hey, Casey, I just remember I forgot something from the store. Or I'd say, you know, I'm really hungry.

7:59Watch what happens now. See, when you give yourself a different mission that doesn't involve, I need to correct this child and get him to behave better and to get him to calm down. Now I just gave myself a different mission. And so you're focused on that instead of just trying to control your child. So you begin moving physically with achievable goals, grabbing your coat, finding your keys. So your energy is temporarily focused on those missions. That can be really helpful. And then you went, hey, you want to go grab a couple tacos goes there a smoothie with me. Hey, could you help me at the store?

8:37Now, you can't always leave the house, and I've done this before in multiple podcasts, but you could give them something to do at home, and even with some self-deprecation, say, you know, I threw my back out getting out of bed this morning. Do you think you're strong enough to help me move the sofa in the basement or empty those bags of mulch in the garden? Why I like these options is you are inviting your child to be with you. That's important, because I don't want you getting in the habit of or continuing the habit of just leaving in order to calm down because then your spouse will feel betrayed in a sense, like, oh great, run out of the house when things get tough and leave me to clean up the mess with the upset child.

9:19And you're going to reasonably ask, well, aren't we just letting the child get away with things? No, you don't have to take care of every single issue in the next minute and a half. I know a lot of us as dads fall into that pattern because we're like, you know, I'm going to nip this in the bud right now. And we end up inciting a four-hour meltdown. And now there's tension with you and your spouse. No, I de-escalate first. And then I discipline once everyone is in a calm, rational state. Look, here's an easy one to reset. Do something weird. Like throw some mac and cheese or loose change in the backyard and see if your kids can find it with a treasure hunt.

10:00That movement and fresh air will help reset everyone. And you'll probably get the humility you wanted from your child by demonstrating it first. See, you lead them to humility with your own humility, not by demanding it. Now, what about when the siblings are fighting? How can we stop this? So this is usually the spot where two ads would be played from sponsors, but we decided to make this episode ad-free to end the year. And so many parents have said, hey, we love that your downloadable programs are ad-free. Can you provide an ad-free version of the podcast? So thanks to Casey, we did. And so now as busy parents, you can get all of our strategies and get quicker without the interruptions.

10:47corruptions. A mom emailed yesterday and said, I am binge listening to your past episodes and zipping through them. Because now you get access to our entire catalog. It's over 500 episodes, zero ads. And you just keep listening on whatever platform you're using now, Spotify, Apple, YouTube, whatever. It's easy. We're pricing it at five bucks a month or$50 per year. If you're interested, go to celebratecom.com to sign up. If you've got Spotify, you can click click the tab that says exclusive episodes for subscribers and we appreciate you doing that but no pressure at all okay number four change your kids by controlling yourself first I've done entire episodes on sibling fights look up episode 502 but let's do a quick one here because I want to reinforce how much power you have by controlling yourself and why we want to teach instead of just sending kids away from us.

11:46So let's say your kids are squabbling in the living room. Typically as parents we come in and we create our own drama. You know what? I bought you guys all these toys and screens and electronics for Christmas. You can't even play well together for 20 minutes. And then you separate your kids by sending them to their rooms. But that's not discipline because discipline means to teach. You're just separating them so they shut up. And I get that. But try this sometime instead. You walk into the living room and you just lie down on the floor. You start reading a book. Maybe you scroll through our Instagram page to help you calm down.

12:22And your kids will stop squabbling in that moment. They're going to look at you like, what are you doing? You're weird. And now watch, you have changed the entire dynamic of the situation without saying a word, without changing your children, because you just controlled your body posture. You didn't even say anything and that's often better. But now you can teach. So you look at your strong-willed child who's usually the provoking child and say, hey I know what's going on in here. You have this amazing brain that craves challenges and intensity but you hate boredom. So when you get bored you just pick on your brother because you know he's going to react to you and now you're kind of controlling your brother.

13:08I get that but that doesn't work out well for you because you just get in trouble for it. But here's what else I know about you. You love money because you're a born entrepreneur and you have a big heart. So if you want to come join me while I get started on dinner, I bet we could brainstorm three different ways to earn some money in the neighborhood and you could donate some of that money to help kids with cancer and I'll even match whatever you give away. See, that way your brain gets intensity in positive ways. See, instead of just reinforcing you're a bad kid who gets in trouble all the time, you're teaching your child how his or her brain works and how to meet those needs for intensity and brain stimulation in the future in positive ways.

13:51And then you can teach the child who reacts to the provoking child how to control themselves and stop giving their brother power over them. And we go through that in the Stop Sibling Fights program. So if you have our Calm Parenting Bundle, make your kids listen to that during this holiday break. Have them learn how to be responsible for themselves. Look, you guys are going to be siblings for the next 8 or 12, how many ever years, until you kids leave the house. Look, if you want to fight for the rest of your childhood and be miserable, fine. But I'm asking you to be more of a grown-up and figure out how to handle this yourself.

14:26The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. in this situation you just changed your body posture and then you taught them now here's the final one I want you to focus on for the rest of this week I want you to bond with your kids and give them proactively some emotional intensity if you're with extended family you're paying way more attention to the relatives that you haven't seen in a long time because you're a gracious wonderful person and you've kind of been distracted and the kids have been over there doing their thing. But even spending seven minutes on the floor, looking at what your child has built or what they've colored, asking them how they came up with that idea, what was the hardest part of that, and then affirming their creativity, it resets something inside your kids.

15:14Go take your teen or tween to get something to eat because they're always hungry anyway. It gives you time to connect with them. Act interested in their music, even if you hate it. Their teenage drama, their video games. Ask questions. Be curious. Hey, what does that do? Why do you like that so much? That will change their behavior more than anything else. Now, here's a bonus idea from a couple from Indianapolis. They said, we let our kids listen to your programs, and we ask them to come up with their own ideas is for how to begin the new year on a better note. Our 12-year-old is now getting up in the morning without any fights.

15:57He said, if you just will not talk to me and if I can listen to music while I get ready and eat my breakfast, I'll just do it and I'll do it without a fight. Our nine-year-old liked hearing Casey's idea of the code word when she's upset because she's got a little mouth on her. So she discovered a Scottish swear word from her grandfather that's kind of humorous, and it's helped de-escalate situations, so we're okay with that. Our six-year-old's ears perked up when he heard you talking about sleeping in a sleeping bag in a tent. So guess what? He's been sleeping much better not getting up in the middle of the night since we bought him a little tent for his bedroom.

16:48See, sometimes these weird ideas work. And when you give your kids some ownership and let them come up with their own solutions, then they own them. And it's not always coming from the outside, especially for our strong-willed kids and our kids with PDA. You give them ownership and you honor their creativity and you're flexible. So I encourage you, if you don't have them, get all 17 programs. Download it immediately, even before the new year starts. Share them with your child's teachers and that foul-mouthed Scottish grandparent you have. And you can find that. The new ad-free version of the podcast is at CelebrateCalm.com.

17:27Here's the thing. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, if you need help financially, email him. Okay, I want you to go hide in the closet. Throw some mac and cheese in the backyard, make yourself a priority. Make yourself a meal that you want this week. Lie down on the floor during the next sibling squabble and practice your new go-to calming routine. You've got this moms and dads. Love you all very much. Much respect for you for working so hard at this.