5 Exact Steps to De-Escalate A Nuclear Meltdown (Why "Calm" Parenting Fails Here) #592

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0:44Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. There are some days when Mrs. Calm and I just spent an entire 24-hour day enveloped in the heavenly softness of cozy earth bamboo, from her stylish dress to my comfy shorts and a jogger set we sometimes sleep in under our cooling cozy earth bamboo sheets. The jogger set is what we crave to throw on 24-7. I've got mine on now. With a tapered fit and relaxed waistband that's Stylish enough to wear while running errands with the kids, going to soccer games, or just hanging out with friends.

1:33Everything from Cozy Earth is lightweight, breathable, and soft as a cloud. Mrs. Calm says her Cozy Earth clogs make it feel like a comfy bed for her tired feet. Plus, you get a 100-night trial and a 10-year warranty. Cozy Earth goes where your day goes. Head to CozyEarth.com and use code CALM for 20 % off. Please mention you heard about Cozy Earth from the Calm Parenting Guy. That's CozyEarth.com, code calm for 20 % off. You're going to love this. So your strong-willed child wakes up with an agenda. She's pictured something in her brain and now she sets out with a single-minded objective to accomplish her mission.

2:15She's determined and focused and relentless. She resists help or defies you when you say no. She is undeterred by any threat of consequences or logical reasoning. When her plans inevitably go awry, she begins to melt down and lashes out at you, even blaming you for something you had nothing to do with. She's angry, frustrated, disappointed, and nothing you try is working. You kind of kindly warn her that she's stepping over the line. You try rational talk to convince her that everything's okay and she shouldn't be so upset. And this makes her even more upset. So she calls you stupid or something disrespectful.

3:00Perhaps even throws something and breaks it. Now she's gone over the line. So naturally you say, you know what? Now that you've crossed the line, young lady, which she has. Now that you have, because you lashed out and called us disrespectful names or broke that vase, you just lost your sleepover with your best friend or your car privileges for the next three days, and then your child really loses it. So how do you prevent this? How can we handle this situation differently? What is really happening underneath the surface that turns a minor disappointment into a major, massive blow-up? that is what we're going to discuss on this special edition of the calm parenting podcast so welcome this is kirk martin founder of celebrate calm you can find us and our mother's day sale at celebrate calm calm happy mother's day moms if your husband didn't get you what you wanted tell him what you really want now which is a changed home i want you calm i want you to learn how to de-escalate our kids because we have everything on sale so let's set the stage for this really important episode.

4:13Here is the child we are talking about. You have kids who are very particular. They know exactly what they want to accomplish, but they don't always have the tools to do it. They're intense. These are kids with busy brains, which makes it feel like everything is out of their control. And that's why they struggle with transitions, changes in plans, and little things going wrong. That's why they boss other people around. They control situations, change the rules of the game or quit, carry little acorns or stones in their pockets because that gives them at least the illusion of some control. And it's also why they can have extremely intense reactions.

4:51Some of us have really intense reactions as well. We get triggered by our kids getting triggered, right? So think about that. We get triggered by our kids getting triggered. No blame, no guilt. But you have to keep working on that or you will escalate these situations every single time. And when you do change, your kids will have seen and heard the most important lecture ever that my mom and dad changed right in front of me. So I was working with this family whose son, like many of your kids, would try to do something or ask for something. When met with resistance, their son's emotions would snowball very quickly.

5:32You've seen this in your kids. You can see their faces get red and rigid. They get demanding. And like most of us, these parents would stay calm at first and try to reason with him to calm him down. But then he'd get more upset and escalate by calling them names or throwing something. See, now your patience is gone. And you can't allow this child to say such things. So you deliver a consequence. You know what? I gave you a chance, but you crossed the line. no sleepover, no car keys, no fortnight, no new dress, no play date, no screens, whatever it is. And your child then goes scorched earth. And we're talking about a meltdown that may last 45 minutes or even hours and ruin the whole day or night.

6:20So how do we do this differently? So I'm going to go through some steps. Number one, proactively begin to observe your kids and know what is calming to them. See, I want to work with your child's nature. In this case, we discover this boy, their son, likes to occasionally lead little hiking expeditions around his neighborhood and in the woods. So he'll grab a backpack, he'll fill it with snacks, then he'll lead his family. Of course, he's the one leading because he likes to be in control. Because when you're in control, that gives you some measure of homeostasis. You're eliminating unknowns. And that eventually helps the dad in this story, as we'll see in a few minutes.

7:05Number two, control yourself. Before you discipline or give consequences, deal with your own triggers. Slow your inner world down purposefully. Before I learned how to do this, I would escalate almost every situation because I just couldn't control myself. I was so reactive. because when you control yourself, it allows you to get out of that reactive mode. Look, nothing good happens in the reactive mode. Some of you have a fight, flight, or freeze response due to past trauma. And so that makes it even more difficult. But when you slow yourself down, you can see the situation more clearly. Mom just emailed a couple minutes ago before I started recording and said, I am only a few hours into your programs and I can feel my attitude shift already.

7:55I am slowing my world down so I can see what is really happening. And now I can respond instead of react. Good job, mom. That's what we're after. Number three, this is a huge insight. What we are dealing with on a very deep level is shame and embarrassment. And that is the rocket fuel that causes your child to want to burn it to the ground after you give the consequence. So see if this makes sense. As a grown man, I have lost it before in front of my family, usually over something small going wrong. I overreacted to something. And what do I start seeing? I look up and I see these people, my family, that know me best.

8:44the people from whom I cannot hide a thing. They know all my quirks. They know the good parts of me, but they also see my flaws and my shortcomings. And these are the people in front of whom I am naked and vulnerable. And now they're watching me and I'm acting irrationally. I'm overreacting to some stupid thing. And I'm a grown adult. And so what's my first response as a grown man? I feel embarrassed. I'm ashamed of my behavior. And so in that moment, I've got a couple options. I can humble myself and say, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you guys in this position to see that and to experience that tension.

9:31I overreacted and I'm sorry. But that's really hard to do, right? Even if you're a grown man or woman. So imagine being a four-year-old or seven or nine or 11 or 14 or 17 years old. You're just a kid. That's hard. So your child looks up and sees one or both parents staring at him or her in the middle of their shame. And worse yet, maybe there's a sibling or two who never lose it like this. Now as the child, I feel even worse. My whole family is staring at me while I am completely lost in my emotions and acting irrationally. And it feels like my whole family is against me. I'm the bad kid who always does stupid things like this.

10:24And now I've lost my sleepover or my car keys or my play date or my screens, right? Or my phone if I'm older. now I can't see my girlfriend or hang out with my friends and I'll be the only one who isn't there this isn't fair and then they flip to blaming you why am I the only one to lose this it's your fault and you're mean and stupid see if you hear it correctly there's probably a little bit of self hatred in there there's a lot of shame and it's really hard to admit when you're a kid hey, I caused this, I overreacted. I think that's a lot to ask of a kid in the moment, isn't it? So they lose it, and now they go scorched earth.

11:14Why? If I lose it, maybe, just maybe, my dad or mom will lose it, and then I'm not the only one who's out of control. Because you know how lonely and terrifying it is to be the only one in the family who's always upset and in trouble? See, can you hear that in your child's voice? Can you hear them kind of crying out inside? It's not an excuse for them, but it's understanding what's really going on. This little kid or that teen or tween who may even be towering over you didn't wake up intending to be a jerk who makes your life difficult. And I want to turn these situations around so they don't keep escalating.

12:02So your child doesn't keep internalizing, I'm a bad kid. I'm a stupid kid. So here's how we do that. Point number four, use intense validation. You have intense kids. They like intensity. They crave intensity. And it's calming to them. So use positive intensity to validate what they are experiencing. Of course you're frustrated. You had an idea in that awesome brain of yours and it didn't work the way you wanted to. That's frustrating. Stop expecting intense kids to be someone other than who they are. Stop being afraid of their intensity or treating it as if it's something bad. Instead, use it to your advantage and stop talking to them in these calm, sweet tones and trying to reason with them.

12:55That makes them furious. I don't like it either. But that intense validation, yeah, I'd be really angry too, that can be settling in this moment. I've never said this before, but I kind of think it's true. When you are too sweet or calm in these moments, it's kind of mean. It says, I don't even understand you or your very nature or know what you want, So I'm going to try to pacify you by talking like this. It kind of feels like a wife being dismissed by her husband. Oh, honey, it's okay. It's no big deal. You're just overreacting. So stop with a sweet, quiet tone with these kids. It's infuriating.

13:39Learn to use that intense validation. Now, here is a really cool and important tool to use as well. So I bet your family is like ours during springtime. Life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. But thanks to Hungry Root, we shop on our own schedule and we make healthy home-cooked meals in about 15 minutes. Hungry Root eliminates the indecision. The last minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that even your picky kids will love. And it only takes minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids.

14:19Last night, we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir-fry veggies. Boom. Delicious meal, 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress-free family time. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. So go to HungryRoot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm. Code calm to get 40 % off your first box. That's hungerroot.com slash calm code calm. Number five, de-escalate by giving your child a way out. Give your child space in order to save face a little bit. It's a really effective tool to use.

15:05A really good way to do this is to give your child something he or she is in control of. So step with me back into this scene with this family. The dad in this situation told me he had just gotten home from work, so he was in that transition time between being hyper-focused on work at an office where things are orderly and largely in his control with mainly rational adults who are not throwing tantrums and screaming and calling you names. But now he walks right into what is essentially a combat zone. Tensions are high. It's a face-off between a child and two parents staring down at him. Everyone's emotions on high alert.

15:47And there's a sibling watching as well. Who's going to make the next move? Sometimes we are expecting our child to make the next move. Like, stand down, son, cut it out, or else. The dad said he was freaking out inside, wanting to take control and shut this down, and wrestling with the guilt of giving in and being pummeled by this thought. My dad would have never allowed this to happen. And so this dad is judging himself. So he said, I listened to your programs on my drive home, so these action steps are top of mind. I immediately went to wash my hands at the sink because that provided some movement for me and cut off the eye contact that usually inflames my son.

16:33I heard your voice say, give him something he's in control of. And on the way home, you had talked about allowing your child to teach you something. So dad grabs the hiking backpack that's hanging on the doorknob and opens the pantry and begins shoving some snacks into the backpack, then opens the fridge to get some drinks. And his son is watching this, his face still all red, his inner world in chaos, because he's just said all these disrespectful things and knows he's in trouble and the world's come crashing down around him. But he sees his dad doing this, and there's a momentary reprieve from all eyes being on him and his shame.

17:25And the dad isn't demanding that he calm down or apologize. He's filling a backpack with snacks. Well, that's usually this kid's job. So what happens? Dad, Dad, you're not doing it right. You're putting the wrong snacks in there. You can hear that, right? Our kids are particular. They have a specific way. They like to do things their way. Now, I'm a realist with our kids. I would not be surprised if your child said, Mom, Dad, you're not doing it right in a snotty tone. That's a distinct possibility. I'm asking you not to take that personally. It is a process. It's really hard to go from, I'm completely irrational and I've lost it and I'm burning this to the ground too.

18:15Mother, father, thank you for giving me space and ownership in this moment. But so instead you look at your child in these moments and say, that's my son, that's my daughter. This is who he or she is and we're going to play to my child's strengths. So the son has just said, dad, you're not putting the right snacks in. And so dad says in an even tone, well, why don't you be in charge of the backpack? Because you're really good at that. And maybe you could plan a little expedition for us. I could use some exercise. I'm going to go upstairs and change my clothes and get ready. So dad just gave the child ownership.

18:55Hey, why don't you be in charge of the backpack? Why don't you plan an expedition? I could use some exercise, right? So see how cool that is. I'm going to go upstairs and change my clothes and get ready. Now dad is giving his child, his son, space in that moment. Now two adults aren't staring at a kid in the midst of his shame. By the way, I don't know if I'm going to say this, so I'll just say it now. I would encourage you right now, even if you stop the podcast or right afterwards, write down two or three ideas for any time you get in these situations. what can you do to give your child space what's your out what's your go-to hey i need to go wash my hands i need to change clothes i need to go brush my teeth i need to go to the bathroom i need to get something to drink and what is what are two or three outs for your child that they can at any time be in charge of something they're good at doing make that list so in the moment you're like uh-oh what are we supposed to do so let's get back to our scene two adults are not staring at the kid in the midst of his shame, in the midst of him at his worst.

20:06And think how effective this is. You began, this dad did a nonverbal action, filling the backpack, knowing that your particular child would object and want to take over. You didn't have to tell him to calm down. You gave your child a natural mission that would naturally calm him. You didn't use eye contact because that makes it worse and you gave him space while you stepped away to gather yourself so you don't say something you regret and reignite this scene. And see, this gives your child time so he can gather himself while doing something that makes him feel in control, something he's good at doing.

20:54and this is an important insight when your child is filling that backpack fixing that broken broom whatever you decide he now feels like the competent one right now think about this the child just went from i'm totally out of control and i'm about to lose everything that i enjoy and i'm helpless to oh, I'm competent. I'm really good at this. See, I don't know how to calm down, but I do know how to get the backpack ready and plan a little hike for us. And so watch when you come back downstairs ready for the hike. Yeah, I know. Look, I know it's still a little bit awkward. It's not like it's all beautiful and easy.

21:40There's this kid who may have been screaming awful things at you moments before and he may even be being bossy right now like nothing happened and that's okay it's normal look he may even say something like dad you're not wearing the right shoes for this hike I get it but that's who your kid is and while you would be justified being angry and reacting and thinking or saying you know what you're lucky I'm even talking to you right now letting you go outside you should be upstairs in your room all afternoon and apologize for what you just said to your mother or your father. But you don't say that because you're the adult and you're teaching your child how to calm down.

22:21You're teaching your child how to reconcile and you're realizing relationships change behavior. See, this is a beautiful scene, right? Because watch what's happening here. I kind of feel it inside because I was the dad who almost destroyed my relationship with my son and I felt justified and from the outside I was because he did the same things that this kid did and called us and called us awful names and this story hits home for many reasons but for my birthday this year Casey surprised me with this he's taking time he's creating a two week father-son hiking trip so we can be together and hike and talk and eat just us and I nearly destroyed that when he was a kid these incidents can destroy families they can destroy relationships for a long time perhaps with my own dad my dad didn't know how to handle this stuff I never had a relationship with him.

23:31He died and I never had conversations with him that I'm able to have with Casey. But these situations can also be huge bonding opportunities. These scenes also separate spouses and that's why I think asking your spouse to listen to the programs as your Mother's Day gift is a great idea. Hey, it would mean a lot to me if you would just listen to this podcast. could we please get on the same page? Because it's not working right now. And if you do have, if you happen to be a wife whose husband isn't listening and on the same page, a couple weeks ago, I think it was on May 2nd, I recorded a podcast, How to Get Your Husband On Board.

24:17And it could be the opposite, right? It could be a dad listening who says, hey, I need to get my wife on board. Same principles apply. And so these incidents can also continue to reinforce destructive narratives in your kids' brains and hearts. I'm a bad kid. Nobody likes me. Everybody's against me. I'm stupid. I don't know how to calm down. I'm helpless. But instead, now watch what's happening. You're using motion changes emotion, right? That's our phrase, motion to go for a walk or hike. You're getting fresh air. You're moving your child to a different place emotionally and psychologically and physically.

24:55And while you're walking, there is no eye contact, which is really important right now. You're connecting and bonding in the moment of your child's worst moment. And you let this explosive child lead you on a hike. And I can promise you 100 % that sometime during that hike, you're going to hear an apology. Your child's going to say, dad, mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that. Why? Because you created an environment in which it made it easier for your child to humble himself because you first did that yourself. And if you could really see inside your child's heart, you'd hear this.

25:38You'd hear your child kind of struggling inside. Why do I do this? I'm ruining my own life. I'm always in trouble. It's my fault. And your kids feel just as helpless as you do to handle this. That's a really big insight. So you may utter, hey son, I apologize because I got upset myself and I escalated. I haven't always modeled how to handle disappointment. And now you're walking next to your child. You're coming alongside your child to teach them how to handle these situations differently. See, now you're disciplining. Discipline doesn't mean to punish or give consequences or send a child to his or her room.

26:23It means to actually teach and show and walk alongside and problem solve. So let's work on that this week. I know this was a little bit heavy in some ways, but these are make or break kinds of moments where your family starts to either fall apart or begins to heal. And so I would encourage you, listen to this again so you can hear what your child is feeling inside. So you can picture this in your own situation with your daughter or your son, whatever age. I would encourage you, let your child listen to this particular episode and ask them, is that what it feels like? What could we do differently?

27:06You want a cool question? Have your child say, hey, what could I begin doing in the moment when you're getting upset that would help you? Ask that. That's partly why I want your kids listening to our programs. I don't care if they're listening to the adult programs. There's nothing bad. There's no secrets in there. You're having a family conversation. You're being vulnerable. and then you can ask your child well what do you the next time you do get upset because it is a fact of life that you're going to get frustrated you're a really intense kid and i love your intensity it's going to lead you to do great things but it means you're going to have some intense reactions sometimes what can you begin doing differently see that is really cool and i encourage take advantage of the mother's day sale your spouse your parents and kids everybody gets access to the programs specific action steps i'll share it with your parents with teachers it's way cheaper in therapy but anyway thank you for listening please do share this podcast with other people i appreciate you doing this i think this one will help a lot of families thank you for breaking the generational patterns super proud of you respect you i'll love you talk to you next time bye