5 Options to Get Kids To Do What You Ask (Chores, S’Mores & More) #614

0:00So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and Spanish at IXL.com slash Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. iXL is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning.

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2:13I want to give you options so you don't have to choose between being a tyrant and a pushover in daily life. How can you use a more tough approach without feeling guilty? When do you give kids some leeway without creating an entitled child? How can you help a child not get taken advantage of by a sibling? How can you get kids to listen and do chores without endless consequences? I want to give you scripts and five options that work. And I want to share an amazing story about s'mores that will resonate with every parent who's ever been judged by family because you have a strong-willed child. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

2:56Welcome. This is Kurt Martin. I'm also host of the PDA Parent Podcast. You can find that at CelebrateCalm.com. So much good positive feedback from people who've taken advantage of the Christmas in July sale, so we're extending it. Plus, my mom absolutely loved Christmas, so I know she'd love this idea. So to demonstrate a variety of discipline approaches, I'm going to use chores as a backdrop for consistency. But even if you don't struggle with chores, I think you will find this helpful because we can apply these different strategies to all kinds of different situations. So I want to begin with a tough approach.

3:36Look, I like firm, no-nonsense approach because it's sometimes necessary and it's compassionate. I don't make things personal. I don't create drama. I don't talk a lot. So let's say kids are refusing to do chores. And I say, hey, every day I ask you to do three chores. In return, I run three services, a meal service, a taxi service, a laundry service, among 37 other things you do as parents. So here's how life is going to work in our home from now on. If you don't do your chores, my services begin to shut down. And your kids are going to say, seriously, you're not going to take me to my soccer game?

4:19And my response is short and sweet. Well, try me. This is just how it works from now on. You do your chores. I run my services. Well, but then I won't make it to my soccer game. And then my coach is going to be upset because I let my team down. Well, I know you will. And then you'll have to explain to your coach that you missed your game because you didn't do your chores at home. And please hear their tone. I'm not creating drama. I'm not being snotty or resentful or vindictive. You know what? After all I do for you, you can't even, you know, when I was a kid, we got up at 4 a.m. to milk the cows.

4:58None of that. And none of this. You know, kids, it's really important that children learn how to contribute to the family home. We all have our, no, no, none of that. Please stop with those annoying lectures. Your kids already know this. They just want to skate by doing as little as possible because that's human nature. Your job isn't to lecture or convince your kids. It's just to be decisive and to take action. I also, I just like the tone. Hey, this is just how, this is the way things roll in our home. It's kind of like with video games. Hey, this is how your video game works. Like if you lose, it starts over the game.

5:43It doesn't go on and on. This is just how I roll. Look, if you're doing too much for your kids, well, that's your issue. So apologize. And then reset expectations. But don't expect your kids to say, mother, father, we've determined that you do way too much for us and we don't want to be entitled children. So could you please give us more responsibilities? Look, that's not going to happen. And for many of us, this is a childhood pattern. Many of you were ultra responsible as kids because what did you learn? Well, when I'm really responsible, then my mom or my dad gives me extra attention and they accept me.

6:24And that served you really well in your professional life because you're very responsible and conscientious. And I know a lot of nurses and social workers have this kind of background. And you've held your family together this way. But now it sabotages your relationships and your own emotional health from carrying this burden. So be kind and generous to yourself now. Look, in some ways, doing too much for your kids can be a manipulative pattern. See if this makes sense? Because I do so much for you, you owe me. You owe me to do this in the house. You owe me to behave a certain way, to get good grades.

7:09See, that's not healthy. That's the flip side of what I learned, which is the my wear highway fear and intimidation approach. Both of those are manipulative. If you don't do what I tell you to do, I'm going to punish you or guilt trip you. You don't want either of those patterns in your life. So apologize to your kids for doing too much and begin actively turning over more responsibility to them. I know, and look, I do this a lot. If you have not listened to PDA Parent Podcast, man, in the PDA world, is all about. All it is kind of sometimes is like, well, just give kids accommodations, accommodations.

7:50It's like, no, I want to give kids tools because I believe they are capable of doing more. So look that up. It's really good. So I know we say this is kind of like the tough approach, but I see it as being very compassionate because you are being very clear, letting your kids know this is how the world works, which is based on reciprocity and being generous to others. That's a kind form of discipline because you're preparing them for the real world and you're not making it personal or being mean. But here's the big key to good discipline. Just do what you said you were going to do. If you listen to the updated Discipline That Works program, because in that Calm Parenting Bundle, I go through the programs on a regular basis and I update them with new ideas and they automatically go into the app.

8:42so they're automatically updated. Well, you'll hear some really good language because people say, usually they'll say, oh, you just need to enforce your consequences. But I prefer to say, no, I'm just keeping my promise to you. I promised you this would be the outcome if you made this choice. So I just keep my promises. It speaks of personal integrity so your kids can count on you. Hey, when I tell you something, I want you to trust that I simply do what I say without drama or lectures or guilt trips. Begin making that switch. By the way, I also like the word outcome. Hey, this is just the outcome.

9:21Here's what happens. I like that better than here's the consequence of your action. I kind of want to stop here because that's a great challenge for the next two weeks for you to implement. Here's one more example of taking a slightly tougher approach. Saturday morning comes and your kids are building with Legos or they're on their screens enjoying a carefree morning. and you say, hey guys, this week we asked you to do X and Y and that didn't get done. So no fun around here until those responsibilities are taken care of. I used to call it kind of like declaring martial law in my home. You're just being decisive and your kids will hem and haul and complain and negotiate and walk around with sagged shoulders as if life is so hard.

10:04Just smile. That's a normal dance of parenting. Hey guys, you can complain and be miserable for the next three or seven hours. I'm perfectly okay with that. Especially since I got those new noise-canceling headphones for Mother's Day or Father's Day. Leave that part out. But it's your choice. As soon as your chores are done, you can resume having fun. Short and sweet. Okay, now I really prefer this approach. But you have to use different approaches for different situations and different kids. If you're always doing the tough approach, then something's probably wrong. So mix it up. If you never use the tough approach, then you probably don't have a strong-willed child or you're afraid to be tough.

10:51So practice that. If your kids are a little older, give them ownership of their chore list. Get some poster board and order a couple pizzas for a work session. Hey guys, here's the list of everything that needs to be done in our home every week. You'll notice that your mom and dad do almost everything, but there are six or eight activities you need to be responsible for. We want to give you a chance to divvy up the chores yourselves and create your own plan for who does what. You could change it up every week or every month or rotate chores. So you guys come up with a plan. You're giving your kids some ownership.

11:31Now, if they can't come to an agreement, you can guide them and problem solve with them, or you could just assign the chores for them. Now, if you have a strong-willed child, this may happen, and I love it. That strong-willed child who is a little more bossy is probably going to do this. They're going to pay one of his siblings to do some of his chores and then manipulate, persuade, influence. the more compliant people please their sibling to do the other ones. And your response is going to be, well, that's not fair. You can't do that. Well, I disagree. This is perfect training for the real world.

12:09And this is the conversation I'd have with each of those kids, with a strong-willed child. Oh, man, look, I get it. You don't like doing boring chores, but you are good at earning money, and you used your strategic thinking skills to problem solve. And so you decided to pay your one sibling money to do your chores. That's called delegation. One day you are going to own your own business and delegate undesirable tasks because God knows you're not going to last long in a corporation because you don't like authority figures. Leave out that last part. But so you can leave. Look, you can always think the sarcasm.

12:47Just don't say it or email me with it. I love it. but you know they're probably going to own their own business one day. And so I also say to them, hey, because you are so good at reading people, by the way, that's why they're so good at pushing your buttons, you persuaded your other sibling to do your other chores for you. That's brilliant. Well, but what about that poor sweet child who gets taken advantage of, the people pleaser? I want to make sure This is what I would say to them I want to make sure that you're good with this deal If you want to do this For your brother Because you get satisfaction From completing tasks And you enjoy cleaning And you have a big heart Well then go for it But if you're afraid you're being mean Or think you're going to hurt your brother's feelings Or dread his reaction Well then let's practice how to say no because I don't want you walking through life getting controlled and manipulated by other people.

13:49And I don't want you feeling like you always have to tiptoe and manage everybody's emotions. Moms, how many of you can relate to that, right? So let's practice saying no and being assertive about what you want. And I would actually role play, physically practice saying no and stating exactly what they want. I want your more compliant kids to know they aren't being mean if they say no or establish a boundary. I want them to get comfortable being assertive about their own needs. Again, how many of you struggle with that and you're a grown adult? So I want them to be comfortable with being assertive about their own needs without being responsible for trying to keep the peace or manage everybody else's emotions.

14:34You know how debilitating this can be. And just be aware that if one parent can't control himself or herself or is overbearing, kids often lose their authenticity and their individuality just trying to get a parent's acceptance or just trying to avoid their wrath. So give your kids the words to say. So this is what the more compliant child could say. No, I'm not doing your two chores for free. I will do them for X amount of money or in exchange for you doing this for me. See, that's good practice and a healthy way to establish boundaries and state clearly what works for you. I like that a lot because you're actually teaching your kids life skills and you're practicing them.

15:22Okay, what about kids who really resist doing what you ask? Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I bet you've fallen into this trap. We've had the same knives for decades, and they aren't sharp. So every single day when I'm cutting up a salad, pineapple, or chicken, it's frustrating. So I finally, finally went to Wayfair.com. I read the reviews. I ordered two very sharp, everyday knives for less than$20. I know it sounds dumb, but those knives are providing so much joy on a daily basis. They slice through everything. And now I kid myself for not doing this years ago. Don't live with kitchen or home regrets.

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16:54Everyone is happy. We're not eating out as much. We're not stressed at mealtime. And my son is trying new things because he feels in control. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's hungaroot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. You're going to love Hungaroot. So let's make it a challenge. I love this. It's one of my favorite strategies for getting strong old kids to do anything. So make it harder.

17:35When we had all those kids at our camps in our home, they all had chores to do around our house. So I'd say, hey, bet you can't do that blindfolded or backwards. Some kids would put the broom behind their back and between their legs to sweep. It was annoying, but they did it. Not well, but they did it. I once challenged a girl named Morgan with this. I was like, look, the crumbs need to be off the floor in the next 12 minutes. I don't care if you slither like a snake and eat them off the floor or use a broom. Up to you. And of course, she chose to be the snake. It was gross. I know, but she wasn't my kid.

18:09The point is, make things a challenge because that stimulates their brains. Hey, here's a cool one. I bet you can't come up with some new way to do this that I've never thought of. Because now you're playing on those traits they have of being creative and using ingenuity and innovation. Or, hey, why don't you do this in the most irritating way you can? I don't care. Just get it done. Now, here's the one that I really, really like. It's a very realistic approach with a strong-willed child. You've heard me say that Casey was virtually useless as a kid in our home, but he always thrived more in the adult world, and chores were a constant battle.

18:52So we stepped back and asked, okay, what is our goal here? Well, we want to raise kids to be responsible in the real world, not to be kids for the next 60 years. we discovered that we were limiting this to some rigid list of chores inside the home so we expanded our boundaries and options for being responsible if you have a strong will child you're just going to have to do that so it's that balance between well do i just make them do it the way i want it done no well i guess he doesn't have to do anything or she doesn't have to we let them get away it's neither of those. I say, no, I'm going to give my child some ownership, but I'm just going to make my boundaries and options a little bit bigger.

19:41So quickly, from the age of 12, Casey worked outside the home. He began by officiating hockey games at the local rink. He had to get up early on weekends, show up on time, fill out his game card, work hard with parents yelling at him from the stands, which he was kind of used to because I used to yell at him. He had to be accountable to him communicate with a boss. He was extremely conscientious there in ways he never was in school or at home. And I remember telling him, hey, tell your boss, you will officiate any game that other people don't want to. And then that way you're going to earn more shifts in money.

20:18And he did. The money he earned and then invested in Apple stock back then actually became the down payment on his home 18 years later. And look, that was great discipline by him. Why? Because he was entrepreneurial. He was money motivated. So he had, you just have to watch this for your kids. In other areas of his life, picking up things, schoolwork, was he disciplined? No. But showing up for a real job, managing money, extremely disciplined. And that carries through till today. So Casey would go visit this elderly couple down the street He'd do chores for them They loved him He was being responsible and respectful and serving other people Those are great traits We would feed the homeless every Friday night in downtown Nashville So Casey would be responsible for lugging 24 packs of water Putting together little gift bags He learned how to cook for them And he was good at it So we said, hey, why don't you be responsible for cooking a meal one night a week for us?

21:20so instead of just doing regular chores we gave him other ways to be responsible and he's actually a fantastic cook to this day he was also a physical sensory kid so instead of doing indoor chores he would spread mulch and dig holes and mow the lawn not very well because he'd leave those little strips of grass like a mohawk on my lawn and of course at first i was like if you're going to do the lawn you've got to do it with excellence like i do and i was like okay i do it because i own the home and I'm 40. We're talking about a 12-year-old kid. So expand your boundaries with strong-willed kids.

21:54Look for other ways they can serve other people, because many of your kids, they have big hearts toward others, and be responsible. Otherwise, you'll simply fight and be irritated for 18 years. And it just isn't going to look like you always imagined it would, and that's okay. Keep the bigger picture in mind, not just trying to check off parenting boxes or do it the way your parents do it. Well, what about the other kids, right? You raise your kids according to their nature. Some people like checking off the boxes and doing chores. It gives them a sense of accomplishment, right? Well, your brother does, because they're going to ask, well, what about him?

22:34He doesn't do chores. I'm like, well, your brother does his chores for the old couple down the street. Do you want to do that? And then your other kids are gonna be like, no, because they kind of smell. they're old people. And I was like, good. Okay, then just do what works for your family. I want to share an amazing example of how life works with a strong willed child. Most people would not get this, but you will, because many of you have this child. So a couple from Minnesota emailed this story. They said, we were both raised to do as you were told by our parents. We're both very orderly, conscientious people.

23:07And so we thought we'd raise our kids like this and it would be a snap. And then along came our strong-willed son Upended our lives We tried the traditional approach And were at our wits end when we found your podcast It was like you were describing our daily life We've made some good changes And finally got the programs with the Christmas and July sale So we were immediately tested by this child So we just had a large family gathering At our very Nordic parents' lake house So when I read that I can think like very orderly, rigid kind of people and wonderful too. And so one night it was announced we were going to make s'mores.

23:47Well, our strong-willed ADD son didn't want to do them the normal way by the campfire. Everyone was trying to get him to participate and comply. And we saw where this was heading. In the past, it would have turned into a huge power struggle with tears and an outburst and us looking like the bad, weak parents in front of our entire family. And you know how that is. You go to your child and you're like, please, just please do what everybody else is doing. Could you please not make a big fuss tonight? That's not what happened this time. So my regimented, orderly, by-the-book accountant husband, I love that description, who listens to your programs daily for his own sanity, jumped into action.

24:35And he said, hey Noah, do you think you can use that creative and genius brain of yours to figure out a different way to do s'mores faster than everybody else? And the mom said, you should have seen our son's eyes light up. He and my husband ran into the house and my husband said it was amazing. Our son hollowed out a huge marshmallow with his thumb because he's a really sensory kid. And then he filled it with crushed graham cracker crumbs, again, very sensory, and chocolate chips. And then he microwaved it for 15 seconds and kind of created a s'mores bowl. He came running back to the campfire to show everyone what he'd done.

25:19And a couple of his cousins wanted him to show them how he did it. For the first time, he was like the cool, celebrated, mad scientist. So did he do s'mores the right way by the campfire? No. Did he end up feeling like a creative genius his cousins looked up to for once? Absolutely. That small little change from my husband correcting him or trying to convince him to do it like everyone else to giving him that challenge completely changed the entire night. And our son beamed that whole night instead of feeling left out. He told us afterward it was his favorite vacation ever. And he wants to begin learning more about science experiments.

26:12See, that is beautiful. And it took one little shift, not an easy shift, but one little shift from the dad in this situation to go from the whole night blowing up And once again, the child on his own, feeling like a loser, everybody picking on him, to him feeling confident and now saying, hey, I want to figure out some other science experiments. See, that one, those little switches make a big deal. So well done, regimented accountant dad, for having the courage to let your son do it a different way, even though you might get judged by your Nordic family. How cool is that? Look, if you have our programs, well, listen to them with your kids over the summer so you can make these changes now.

27:01If you don't, take advantage of the Christmas and July, you know what I'm saying, sale. If you need financial or other help, just email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecom.com. They'll help you. Okay, keep being awesome parents and enjoy your kids. Much respect to you all.