5 Quick Ways to Calm Big Emotions During Thanksgiving #539

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1:29On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, IXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So it is Thanksgiving here in America, and that means families are getting together.

2:14And that probably means big emotions for your kids and maybe for you and the rest of your family because you've got big families getting together and you're traveling. And so your schedule's off. The child's schedule's off. And these are kids who do really well when there's structure and routine, but now there's not. And it's chaotic and loud. And there's irritating family members. And their diet is off. And you're going to get judged by others. So you're probably at some point this weekend going to have a child who melts down, gets really upset, and has big emotions. So I wanted to go through five different steps very quickly to help you with this so you are prepared in that moment.

2:59That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find the Black Friday sale and all of our materials at CelebrateCalm.com. So here's where I want to start. Remember to be proactive with this as you get together with family. I go back and listen to the episode from November 19th, How to Avoid Public Meltdowns. I actually go through a Thanksgiving dinner scenario there. And then Sunday's podcast on November 23rd was 10 Tips to Help with Judgmental Parents. Remember, connect. Find one relative with whom your strong-willed child can connect really well.

3:38That becomes kind of like their safe person. Remember to create successes with your kids. And I'll go through that in just a minute. do what's right for your family. I mean, ignore the haters. Just ignore them. They're going to judge you anyway. You know what is best for your kids, for your family. Do that. I trust your instincts. I want you to trust your instincts, moms and dads. Look, bring your own food. Get a lot of exercise. Remember we talked about creating that report card for your child with life skills report card. Bring that along as well. So when your kids are getting upset, here are the five steps I want to go through.

4:21Number one, give them something they are in control of. Now, this is counterintuitive because when our kids or spouse starts getting upset, what do we say? Oh, honey, you need to calm down. And that usually makes people furious. So the reason kids, adults, the reason we all get upset is that usually it's because a perceived lack of control. Something's out of our control. So I encourage you to have a plan, almost like a fire drill that you have planned, not if, but when things go wrong this coming weekend. So have a job that they can do or mission something they're actually good at doing. It could be preparing food.

5:05Some of your kids are really good little cooks and they love doing that. It could be, hey, creating games for the younger kids who are here. Many of your kids are great with younger kids. Remember I talked about going to the thrift store and buying something that they can take apart? Because many of your kids are very, very good at tinkering with things, so I don't want it to be expensive. But go to the thrift store. Grab a couple things. They may be even open today if you haven't done that yet. Get a couple things for a few bucks that they can take apart and put back together. And maybe they can restore it.

5:40It's a really cool thing. probably most of you have someone in the extended family who's going to be there who is really handy. That's a great way to connect your child with someone who has a similar skill set and can teach them and mentor them a little bit and say, wow, you're really good at seeing how things work together. And then your strong willed child is like, yeah, I can see patterns. It's a superpower. That's why I'm good at arguing with my parents and chess and checkers, all those different things. Having them move something heavy outside. Hey, I just remembered, grandma, grandpa needed something heavy moved.

6:16I'm not sure if you're strong enough to do it, but if you want to help me or if you want to go outside, let them do it by themselves. It could be helping grandma or grandpa do something around the house because they like to be helpful for other people. And again, it gives them something they are in control of. I've used the example of a kid who's, you're going to be going fishing and to say, oh, just remember we're going fishing this weekend. Hey, could you go to the garage and organize the fishing lures? Organizing things is a great way to calm yourself down as well. Number two, control yourself.

6:53You're just going to have to work on this, about choosing not to be embarrassed. Or, look, be embarrassed in front of your family. Be embarrassed. But don't allow it to impact how you actually treat your child. Because if you react out of embarrassment and just start snapping at your kids, oh, that's going to escalate. And you're going to be even more embarrassed that, one, you couldn't control yourself, and, two, you escalated things in front of your whole family. Look, you're going to get judged at times. So take a moment. Slow your world down inside. and I'm going to plead with you with something.

7:28Please ditch the sweet tone with a strong-willed child, especially when they're upset. Well, honey, do you want to talk about your emotions and what you're feeling right now? Yeah, I'm feeling intense anger at you for talking to me like I'm three and even strong-willed three-year-olds don't want to be talked to like that. I don't know how to say it in any other way, but that really sweet tone sounds weak and it really, it just sounds condescending, Like you're not taking it seriously. And if you've heard us, we go very even matter of fact. And I'm going to go even one step further in the next point.

8:04But get rid of that really sweet tone. It doesn't work. Change your body posture. Kids are getting upset. Oftentimes, I would sit down. Why? It takes some of that reactivity out of this situation instead of me standing over them, puffing my chest out. well basically then you're just asking for it to escalate have an escape plan go to the grocery store you know what i just remember you know how aunt sally is just kind of particular about things and i do love doing that by the way identifying those things and having a little bit of fun with it i was going to mention this at the end but do something mischievous or something just that you and your strong-willed child know about kind of like a little secret something you can bond over you know how your strong-willed kids often make uh do like really good impressions of relatives and they kind of make fun of them it's inappropriate but it's really funny because they're spot on because they understand human nature and they see patterns which is a great quality by the way to have in life because seeing those patterns and understanding human nature is fantastic for being in sales.

9:18It's fantastic for communicating. But laugh with your kids. Hey, you know how Aunt Sally's a little particular? Well, we forgot one ingredient for her famous pie. So do you think you want to go to the grocery store with me? You're giving them an out, an escape plan, and it's giving you an escape plan. And by the way, we always talk about that with family get-togethers. Plan to go last minute, run somewhere, go to the park somewhere, get your kids exercise. Number three, intensity. This is really, really important. And this is what I meant about like, just don't use a sweet tone. I like to validate strong will kids with intensity because what it makes it sound like is, oh, you get it and you understand.

10:06And so you can say, oh yeah, Uncle Frank, really annoying. Now you don't have to like knock Uncle Frank, but he probably deserves it. But when you say like, oh man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. See, that feels validating. That is way better than, oh honey, it's not a big deal. He didn't mean it. It's okay. See, that's what I always did. And a lot of men do with our wives of like, Like, oh, honey, you're just overreacting. There's no need to be upset. And then your wife, if she's smart, will be like, oh, there's no need for you to sleep with me. So stop dismissing people. Because what we're really saying is I'm really uncomfortable with your emotions.

10:48So please stop being emotional. Instead, I validate. Oh, yeah, if that happened to me, oh, man, I'd be really frustrated. I'd be really anxious about that. So be decisive in how you handle these situations. That's what your kids are looking for is some confidence in how you handle these situations. And part of that is that intensity. Oh, super, super helpful. Okay, number four, one of my favorites. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, losing weight, or their personality just feels different. Something more serious may be going on.

11:31When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior isn't them. It's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best-in-class evidence-based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietitian, medical provider, and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser-known ones like ARFID.

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12:28Motion changes emotion. So movement is a way that you help kids process their emotions. And so think about this. Oftentimes, we just want to talk to our kids. How many of you have noticed when your child's really upset and you try to talk to them or use too many words, they get even more upset? Why? Because when you're upset, it's really difficult to process language. And you're kind of like inside, you're like wrapped in a pretzel and you're really frustrated. And so the idea of movement or motion is that it actually helps them process and work off some of the ick. So remember, I'd rather spend more energy giving kids something to do than telling them to stop doing something.

13:17Oh, you need to calm down right now. Stop throwing yourself on the floor. No. Oh, man, I could use that energy right now. Hey, do you think you could help me do X? Give them something to do. You know I love giving these kids an adult job. So when they're really upset, oh, do you think you could? Remember how you made coffee for me and you put some different things in it? Hey, do you think that you could make coffee? Because your Uncle Frank loves coffee. It'll get him even more riled up so he can be even more annoying. I'm just kidding with that. But doing an adult-type job can be really, really helpful.

13:53You know the example when Casey used to get really upset and he'd be in the kitchen yelling at my wife, and I'd come in and say, hey, I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, I'm going to dump the Legos out in the living room floor. If you want to come with me and build a spaceship, oh, that'd be really cool. Hey, I'm going to grab the football. I'm going to go outside when you're ready. If you want to come out and play catch, get them moving. With older kids, I love getting them in the car. Hey, you know what? I was going to sneak off because I don't always love Thanksgiving dinner, but I wanted to go get a smoothie.

14:26I wanted to go get a couple tacos. You want to run up and grab that with me? Doing that really helpful. Treasure hunts are awesome. Hey, I just had a thought. Why don't we do a treasure hunt in the backyard? In fact, after you do the treasure hunt, you could actually hide some stuff and then I have to find it. Little kids love that stuff. Create an obstacle course. Give your kids something very physical to do. When your kids are getting really, really upset, sometimes just sitting and coloring. And that's one of my favorite things too. And you can sit and color just about anywhere. So a child's getting upset.

15:02You sit down. You just start to draw a color. you hold up a crayon or a pencil and you're like, hey, you want to come help me with this? You want to draw a giraffe? You want to do this? That could be helpful, but sometimes your kids need something very physical. So where if you're at home or if you're going to a relative's house, scope out the backyard. See if you can put a couple bags of mulch out there. And I'm not being funny. A lot of our kids love spreading mulch. They love digging holes. They love raking leaves. You pay them a little bit of money to do that. I love some kind of obstacle course, things they have to crawl under, crawl over.

15:36It could be a swing out back, a tire swing, even crawling through the tire. Some of your kids are very, very physical, so get them being physical outside. That will help work off some of this ick. If your kids are into sports, go outside, play sports. You can go for a run if they're older and they like doing that. Going out in the woods is extremely helpful for upset kids because just one, just being outside the fresh air and the openness away from everybody. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's go. I hid something in the woods and maybe today just go to hide something in the woods or outside somewhere.

16:18And then if you don't have to use the treasure hunt thing over the weekend, great. You'll probably forget what you hid out there. Use it next year because you'll use it then. Proactively set some of these things up so you have an immediate like, oh, just remember I hid something back in the woods. Bet you can't find it. And come up with some of those very physical games for your kids to do. Number five. I'm actually going to do like seven of these. Giving kids space. You know I've done the example oftentimes of, oh, the kid with the airplane who flew the airplane, it didn't fly right. He's like, I hate this airplane.

16:56I'm stupid. You're stupid. And you're like, oh, dude, I'd be frustrated too. And then you remove yourself and you go to the bathroom or get something to drink. You give kids space to process their emotions without anyone standing over them and watching them. So giving your kids some space, letting them go to the attic. Look, it's good anyway, just to give them like downtime. In fact, you could make it like, hey, do me a favor I can tell after like four hours with everybody I'm gonna need a little downtime because I'm kind of quiet and sensitive like you and I like to so could you find someplace in the house or maybe it's in the car maybe it's in the backyard where we could escape to and just kind of do something quiet give them space nobody likes to be watched while they're struggling and remember no eye contact for the dads who are listening proud of you modern day dads man you're crushing it.

17:51You are way more involved with your kids and way more impatient or way more patient than my generation was. But a lot of dads get hung up on like, well, we're kids. I'm looking at a child. They need to look me in the eyes. No, they don't. No eye contact when they're upset. Because what's happening is they're usually beating themselves up because now they just blew up or said something inappropriate in front of the whole family. Now it's like, look at me. Look at me when I'm talking to you. I don't like giving kids eye contact when they are really upset. And here's a really cool phrase to use. When you're ready.

18:25So I walk in the room like, hey, I can tell you're frustrated something's going on. Hey, when you're ready, if you want to come in and help me with this, if you want to help me cook this, if you want to grab the ball, I'll meet you outside when you're ready. Here's what it does. You never use it like this, like, hey, when you're ready, get your shoes on. We need to go. Your kids will never get ready. But when you're ready, think about this. If you tell your strong-willed child, hey, you need to cut this out. You need to stop this right now. Oh, they will do the opposite of what you want. When I say, hey, when you're ready, I just gave them something they are in control of.

19:02It's some measure, small measure of autonomy. I'm inviting you. Remember our famous one of like chips and salsa. You know, I'm kind of hungry. Hey, if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll help you with whatever you struggle with. Hey, when you're ready, go grab that. When you're ready, gives them some autonomy to say, I'm ready to be calm because when they do come to you, they're going to be a little bit embarrassed that they just melted down or said something inappropriate. So be the no drama person this weekend that your child needs. In front of all these other people, I want you to be the no drama person.

19:44And I'm going to give you one more at the end, but let me recap this. So your child's getting upset. Let's give them something they are in control of. Number two, control yourself. Even matter of fact tone, if they're really upset, give them that intensity, but no more of that sweet tone stuff when they're upset. Number three, use the intensity to validate them. Number four, motion changes emotion, some kind of movement. It is extremely helpful. Oh, I forgot one here. Here's a great one of like, oh, you know what? Grandma really needed some help. Do you think you could move? Do you think you're strong enough to move that sofa in the basement from that one wall all the way to the other side so we can vacuum back there.

20:29Sometimes kids love doing something with heavy objects and that alone is very, very calming. And now your child's being helpful. And remember, give them space, no eye contact, and when you're ready. Now here's the other part of this. Probably this coming weekend on Sunday, your kids will have been out of school for four or five days. So expect that their stomach may get upset because they have anxiety about going back to school. They may be short with you, grumpy. They'll get a little bit of attitude. You know how that works. And so it's normal. And so my two steps for that are to normalize that.

21:10And even say like, ah, you know, it's really hard going back to work. I've been off for four days and now I have to go back to work. So yeah, my stomach gets a little upset. I get a little crabby. Our schedule's been off and tomorrow morning we have to get up early. You could even involve them and say, hey, what do you want to do tomorrow morning? Since you've got to go back to school, I've got to go back to work. What could we do differently tomorrow morning? And maybe you give them some kind of mission. You know, I love the treasure hunt in the morning, foraging for food. Hey, guess what? I hid your food in the backyard, but you can't find it.

21:44giving them an adult job of getting up in the morning and making breakfast. Or if you want, it's not going to hurt anybody, you get up a little bit early and say, hey, if you get up a little bit early, I'll drive you to school in the morning and we will stop at a fun place to get breakfast. And it could just be a drive-through breakfast that you get somewhere special. Why? It just makes it fun. It's a nice bonding thing of like, yep both going back have to work for the man in the morning right you've got to go to school I've got to go to my job it just helps with anxiety one of my favorite things is asking ahead of time this can be for the future a teacher to give your job a child a job to do of like hey I we're going to be out of school for quite a few days things are going to be chaotic here on Monday morning could you get into class could you come in maybe five minutes early and help me with a couple things because you're really good at doing X.

22:42That way your child has something to look forward to. And guess what? This special job is something your child feels control over. They get to use some movement and it creates a success. First thing on Monday morning and the teacher is like, man, I'm so glad you came early because you are so good. You are so helpful. Hey, could you do that for me every day? And that will help with anxiety quite a bit. At Thanksgiving dinner, when you're talking about everybody usually talks about what they're grateful for the one I pivoted to was I'm so thankful for being a parent because it has caused me to grow up and deal with some of my immaturity and that's true isn't it these kids are gifts to us in that way it's a really cool thing if your family says oh what do you want for Christmas you could say you know what we'd really like to change our family and we could use your help instead of your judgment we I think this is last week of the Black Friday sale.

23:35And the cool thing is, if you get our programs, 17 programs, we will share those, especially the relevant ones, with your child's teachers so they can actually listen and be on the same page. And you can share with your parents, your own parents, and say, hey, could you listen to these so you can come alongside and help us with your grandkids? Because this is the way we want to do it. We'd really love your help. It's really cool how that works. All right. Love you all. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. Appreciate how hard you guys are working on this. Much respect to you all. Bye-bye.