5 Ways We Misunderstand Our Intense, Deeply Feeling Kids & How to Change That #607

0:00I just changed this script because five minutes ago, Case and I were talking about how hard it is for ADD and neurodivergent people to be on time and organize. So this summer, let your kids experiment with managing the family schedule using Skylight Calendar. Our kids like to feel in control of things. Maybe they can be your personal assistant. Skylight has this tasks feature that helps kids build healthy routines and independence. And Skylight helps an ADD guy like me because I can manage events, tours, and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. Try it for four months. If you're not 100 % thrilled, you can return it for a full refund.

0:36No questions asked. Families are better when they're working together Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars By going to myskylight.com slash parenting Go to myskylight.com slash parenting For$30 off your 15 inch calendar That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash parenting I think your kids are going to like this So here's a killer idea to inspire curiosity and keep your kids' brains learning in a fun way this summer. I want you to sign up for a class at IXL.com slash Kirk and for your child to sign up for one. That way, you are learning great alongside your child.

1:19They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and even asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes learning a family adventure, not something you make them do. IXL is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk.

1:57So visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. you already know what i want for father's day cozy earth i sleep under my cozy earth bamboo sheets i live in my bamboo shorts and polo and pullovers but my latest obsession is the cozy earth everywhere pant now you can wear these insanely soft and breathable cozy earth everywhere pants to the office to the kids games to just lounge around in just look at the reviews at cozy earth dot com. Men rarely rave about clothes, but they rave about these everywhere pants and request several pairs. They're stylish. They've got a light stretch, barely any wrinkles.

2:41Cozy Earth is the can't miss gift for dads, stepdads, and grandpas who show up every day everywhere. Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets, everywhere pant, and everyday polo are designed to keep him cool, comfortable, and relaxed all summer. Go to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. That's code calm at cozy earth.com for 20 % off and let cozy earth know we sent you. I wonder if you can hear your strong willed child saying something like this. I'm so confused sometimes when I was a little kid, I would hear you telling your friends how you loved my curiosity that I love to explore and never stop talking and asking questions.

3:25Dad said that with all that energy. I would move mountains and he was constantly building things with me so I could use my hands and put things together and take things apart. But now I'm in school and I get in trouble for all of these same traits. I'm still the same kid doing the same things you loved when I was little, but now I'm the bad kid and it feels like everyone is trying to change who I am and I don't understand. This is how I was born. It's how I've always been. I thought it was good that I was good. And now I discover that people aren't happy with my energy and curiosity and fidgeting, asking questions.

4:07What happened? What did I do wrong? I want you to let that sink in. And I know the counter arguments. You can't always do certain things in different settings and you have to adapt. But really think about this from a kid's point of view, because their experience on earth is only three or five or eight or 13 years. They don't have the larger perspective. And this is how it often feels for them. And we need to understand that or it will absolutely crush their spirit and their confidence. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I wanted to give you insight into your strong will kids in their own words.

4:46So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We're also on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, at Calm Parenting Podcast. Look, we have tough kids to raise. Our son came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, ready to take on the world. These kids have their own ideas, want to do things their way. These are stove touchers who don't really care about consequences, and they want to learn the hard way. And the traditional parenting method simply will not work with these kids. It will backfire. And then you're going to get judged. And some of you had an easier, more compliant child first.

5:22And you thought, oh, I am such a good parent. This is easy. Just be clear, firm, and consistent. And then the strong-willed child came along and you're like, I don't know anything anymore. So I want to share some insight from your child's point of view that I think you will find very helpful as you navigate raising this child. And I did something similar to this last year, but I actually had kids email us with new perspective that I have incorporated into some new statements. And this is a podcast I strongly urge you to let your kids listen to because it may make them feel understood and prompt some really great conversations.

6:06Many of you are strong-willed adults now, and you were misunderstood as a kid, and even until today you are. And I hope that you find this to be healing for you, even if it came 10 or 20 or 30 years too late. Look, we all want to be understood, and strong-willed kids are among the most misunderstood people on the planet, and that causes anger, inner turmoil, confusion. They beat themselves up a lot inside. We don't want that. I've met far too many great kids in their 20s and even early 30s whose lives have been damaged. Not because of them, but because of how people viewed them and misunderstood them.

6:51And I don't want that to happen with our kids. Back in the day, we had 1 ,500 kids like this in our home over the course of a decade. We got to know them inside and out. Many of them over the course of years, so we saw them change and grow. We've stayed in touch with them as they've progressed through their lives. And sometimes these kids, they got crushed by a rigid school system or a rigid parent. So I hope you find this helpful. Caveat, this podcast will feel heavy for some of you. There's no blame or judgment or guilt intended. These kids are a mystery at times. There was no instruction manual given to you for these kids when you left the hospital or adopted them.

7:34So that's what we basically try to create with our downloadable programs. So I know you're doing your best. You're figuring it out as you go, all the while dealing with your own childhood trauma and reparenting yourself. It's hard. So as you listen, some of this may kind of pierce your heart a little bit. It's not intended to make you feel guilty, but it is insight that can lead to a changed perspective, a changed relationship, and a deeper understanding of your child. So here is what a strong-willed child kind of wants to say to an authoritarian parent. This one is very personal because this is what our son always wanted to say to me as his dad before I changed.

8:20Dad, you know what's funny? I said that just the way Casey says that to me when he's serious. It just kind of caught me a little bit because that's that tone. And it was always like, oh, it always like kind of pierced me a little bit, right? Like, oh, what am I doing wrong here? But it was, dad, your tough guy approach will not work with me. I will fight you and it will blow up our relationship. Then mom will be forced to come and be the referee between us. but she's almost always going to side with me because I'm her kid and it's going to create tension between you guys and between us or I will simply bury that anger until I'm as big as you and it will come out with a vengeance in my teen years but I don't want to fight you you have a lot of hard-fought wisdom you have gained in your life and I need that wisdom see I have a harder path in life I'm choosing that.

9:20I'm a stove toucher. I choose the harsher consequence, the harder path on purpose. I need your wisdom, but I need you to deal with your own father issues. That's not right to put that on me. I know I make you uncomfortable, and maybe that's because I'm a lot like you, and you know how much pain you've been through and you want me to avoid those same mistakes. Or maybe I'm just so different from you that you don't know what to do or how to connect with me. I get that. But you have to put down your pride and ego and do the hard work and enter into my world to understand me. Your constant criticism, you shaking your head in disapproval, doesn't motivate me.

10:11It drains life from me. It deflates me. It actually makes me want to stop trying. To give up in resignation, knowing I will never please the one person whose acceptance I need most. I need you to come alongside me instead of fighting and correcting me. To give me your wisdom so I know how to walk down this path successfully because no one else can show me. and your guidance will save me a lot of pain. But that's what a strong-willed child often wants to say to that more authoritarian, rigid parent, especially an old-school father like I was. Now, what about those parents who use that really sweet, accommodating tone with their kids?

11:01Here's what they want to say to you. Who do you think you're talking to? Why are you using that tone with me? Like you're talking to a baby. It sounds condescending and patronizing and weak, like you're asking my permission instead of being the confident leader I need. Why do you keep talking about my feelings all the time, as if I'm incapable of controlling myself? Yeah, I wake up with a vision of how I want things to be or what I want to create, but I'm just a kid so I don't have the grown-up skills or tools to accomplish what I've pictured in my head, and that leads me to get really frustrated.

11:37but then you come along talking gibberish like you don't know how to help me and that makes me feel even more helpless and misunderstood like you just don't get it. I've got some big plans for my life. I've got big emotions and a strong will. I need you to be a calm, confident leader who can guide me along this path and it's going to make you very uncomfortable. But please stop talking to me like a baby. You've already told your friends I'm 3 going on 33 or 12 going on 42. Well, start respecting me by talking to me more like a grown-up. I'll respond better to that. Otherwise, I'm in complete control of you, and that feels very unstable for me as a child.

12:23Now, this is a hard podcast to do because I think any one of these would be enough to kind of sit on, sit in and just kind of absorb that a little bit, right? Because that's hard, because if you were the kind of harsh authoritarian parent like me, well, that's really hard to hear. Now I had to change myself. And if you've done that really sweet, accommodating kind of thing that a lot of parents do now, that's hard to hear coming from your child. But it's important because now you have an opportunity to change that. Now, the following is how many of your kids feel as they go through their childhood.

13:03And this one is one where I heard from a lot of kids and I've incorporated their statements. And so this might be something you allow your strong-willed child to listen to. I love our kids listening to our programs in the car, in the background, because these are insightful kids and it can prompt really good conversations. So you can ask if they ever feel like this. Mom, Dad, I'm different than you, and I'm actually okay with not having a lot of friends. I prefer a couple close friends. It bothers you more than it bothers me. I like my alone time. I actually don't mind being different. It creates some space for me to be an individual, to be away from the pressure of conforming, because other kids don't ask me to do things that I actually don't want to do because I find the kid world kind of boring and stupid.

14:00Why is that such a bad thing that I'd rather talk about and do things adults do? Isn't that what you ultimately are raising me to do, be happy and successful in the adult world? But when you constantly pressure me to make friends, it makes me once again feel like a failure, like I should have all these friends when I really don't want to. Mom and dad, I don't need or want or value the same things as you. You want to see me walk across the stage to get my high school or college diploma. That literally holds zero interest for me. I don't want the college experience. I don't want people clapping for me being handed some diploma I resent having to get.

14:46Don't project what you want and value onto me. That's a very common sentiment from our kids because I've got to feel it myself. Well, what do you think your child feels about school? This is really insightful. So we like saving money and eating healthy. Plus, we like delicious meals and less stress. So I did a calculation with Hungry Root. Last week, we went to a local Thai place for dinner with friends. With tip and no drinks, our meal was over$50. It was good. But then I fixed General Tso's chicken with green beans and Thai coconut chicken with broccolini from Hungry Root at home. Seriously amazing flavors with just three ingredients in a saucepan.

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16:33Plus, we always get fast, free, reliable shipping with Wayfair. Let your kids go to Wayfair.com and pick out some fun yard games like Cornhole or Giant Jenga that will draw you outside together. Patio seasoning is here, so take advantage of special deals now. Head to Wayfair.com slash m slash outdoor right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. The people who seem to get more done than everyone else, they're not working longer hours or running on more caffeine. They've just stopped wasting time on the stuff that doesn't move work forward.

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17:50Go keeps up so you can move forward. And with Go working with you, you can show off what you do best. See what Superhuman Go can do at superhuman.com. That's superhuman.com. mom and dad there are all these things at school that are just arbitrary standards and they're things required for success and good grades that i think are boring and useless and i'm just not good at like sitting still memorizing information recalling that information for a time test paying attention to things that don't interest me writing essays getting along with kids my own age I'm supposed to be good at all of those things.

18:31My childhood is actually dependent on that, and yet I'm just not good at it. So I continually feel like a failure, and then I fail at home. After a while, I just can't take it inside, so I give up or lash out. Sometimes as a teen, I mess up or self-sabotage on purpose just to fulfill my parents' view of me. See? You were right. I'm a screw-up. I am at my best when I am problem-solving, helping other adults, tinkering with and figuring things out, coming up with different ways to do things, being creative. But at school, I never get to do these things, and no one ever notices my strengths. Instead, everybody's trying to fix me and try to fix all of my perceived weaknesses.

19:24I get graded on things I'm not good at, and that I'll probably never use in life. Why do these things even matter? I know you say I'm smart and an old soul, but that's not very comforting when you feel stuck in a child's body and childhood for 18 years feeling like a misfit. It feels like I am the one who's always being fixed or changed with endless tests and trips to these professionals who don't understand me either. And that just doesn't feel good inside. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I'm not motivated by the same things as you are, and I'm not good at the same things you are.

20:12But you keep insisting that I play on a field that is tilted against me, where I keep failing. And all you ever say is, well, if you would just apply yourself, or you call me lazy. It's not that I'm lazy. I simply don't care about the things you care about. And you've now spent over a decade trying to convince me and change me. And all it's done is make me feel less confident, more like a failure. And meanwhile, I never get to use my natural gifts and talents. What do you want from me? and you wonder why I am angry and withdraw into my screens in my own world, a world that at least I have some measure of control over and success in.

21:02I wish you would just try to understand me instead of trying to get me to understand what you want from me. I already know that. I'm not giving that to you because that's not me. Now, again, this is really hard to hear, and I don't want you to feel guilty for this. If you have erred in your perspective like I did, then we just have to change course. I don't want lengthy apologies. I am so sorry that that will make you sound—that's what they're talking about. Just talk to them like an adult and say, hey, I heard this, and I want to ask you, is this your experience? hey, I'm sorry, I have looked at this the wrong way.

21:47For the last how many ever years, I have tried to convince you to care about the things I care about, and that was my own anxiety, and I apologize for that. That's it. Even matter-of-factone, you apologize, and then you change. Don't apologize 15 times. Now, here's another one, and this is a new one based on what kids wrote in, which I love the fact that our kids are smart enough and have the initiative to email some guy that they don't know with their thoughts about this because a lot of our kids get confused. I get confused by the mixed messages. I always have heard, don't be a follower, be a leader.

22:25If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you? Be your own person. And then when I do act with independence, it makes you uncomfortable. And all of a sudden, you do want me to conform, to fit in, to not rock the boat, to follow directions and do arbitrary things that we both know are wrong or useless. It turns out I am the one who has the courage to push back and be independent, but then I get in trouble for that too. I am okay touching the hot stove and taking the harder path. I don't mind figuring it out by myself, even if it takes longer and is harder and I get burned a little bit.

23:07It's a challenge to me, and I don't want to do it the normal or easy way, the way everybody else does it. I am comfortable knowing my path will be harder. You're the one who's not comfortable with my path. What actually hurts me is not the hot stove. It's being misunderstood and judged. It's the negativity in comparison to you, to siblings, to peers, and society. It's the criticism that I can never do it right. That is what is hard. That is what hurts. Knowing you don't really like or accept or approve of the way I am doing it. I'm okay with struggling to do things a different way. I am not okay with being made to feel like something is wrong with me or that I won't succeed unless I basically disavow my individuality, my very nature, and become like everyone else.

24:04I know doing it the hard way makes you anxious about my future But it is not right or fair for you to dump your anxiety about my future on me That's stifling Now, the following is what we have heard from Strongwell Kids over the years And I think this will ring true I don't wake up every morning intending to get in trouble Or cause problems at home or school I don't like being the one always in trouble with everyone staring at me like the black sheep knowing I ruined that family outing. Sometimes I feel helpless to change. If I knew how, I would change. Do you know what it feels like to be the one different person everywhere I go?

24:46To hear you and grandparents and teachers talk in hushed tones and know they're talking about me? To feel utterly out of step with everyone and everything? To feel like a failure compared to classmates and my brother and sister? And the only thing I'm really good at, I don't get to do much It feels like I can never make anyone happy And I'm so sad sometimes I didn't choose this brain or temperament I was born this way And ever since I can remember in preschool People haven't liked me or been patient with me First it was teachers who put me on red on the behavior chart Because I couldn't sit still and then my parents got embarrassed and began to lecture and take things away.

25:31And all I know is that I've simply been being who I was born as. I didn't decide to not fit in with kids my own age. Who would choose to be ostracized or left out like that? I didn't choose to have all this energy or question things. I don't particularly enjoy being bored by school, getting looks from other adults, and being made fun of by kids in class. So from an early age, it seemed like people haven't really liked me or accepted me as I am. Even my own dad, who's supposed to love and protect and guide me, at times seems like he just doesn't like me or want to be with me. And that cuts deeply, but I can't always show that.

26:16So I make excuses and I blame others, because it's too painful to just admit that I'm helpless and feel stupid and like I'm bad. I build defensive walls around my heart to protect it from even more pain. You act like I just choose this all the time, like I can just turn on and off who I am. You lecture me about my choices, and yes, sometimes I intentionally choose something I know is wrong or that will bring a consequence. But sometimes I'm simply being who I have always been inside. So I'm basically getting in trouble for being myself or doing what comes naturally. It's not as black and white as you might think.

27:04Now, that's a lot. It was heavy even to say it. I can feel that. I would encourage you, listen to this again In the right moment, ask your kids if any of this rings true You might just want to pull two statements out Because there were a lot of them And say, hey, does any of this ring true? Listen to what your kids say It may lead to some meaningful conversations And a deeper understanding of these kids I appreciate you being willing to tackle different situations Change yourself, your whole perspective on this Be patient with your kids. Be patient with yourself. Because I do appreciate you being willing to work so hard at this.

27:50And I don't always like things to be so heavy. But this is critical. If we don't get this right, this leads to kids who in their 20s and 30s and probably all through their life will feel misunderstood. And there's anger and resentment. And they never achieve their potential. The way we view them and all of this is way more important than grades and anything else that happens. So thank you for enduring this as heavy as it kind of felt. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye. The most effective people at work aren't working harder than everyone else. They're working smarter inside better systems.

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29:06Really? Autotrader. Buy your car online. Really?