6 Easy Ways to Undo School Damage & Rebuild Your Child’s Confidence #595

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1:00Rules and restrictions may apply. So here's another awkward but fun moment hiking in Bryce Canyon. This nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the cozy earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the Calm Parenting Podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our cozy earth. And we did have on our cozy earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is once you feel the heavenly comfort of cozy earth bamboo draping you in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends.

1:37After the hike or a long day running your kids around, nothing feels more soothing than slipping into cozy earth joggers and clogs. It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy earth goes where your day goes. Head to CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. Please mention that you heard about CozyEarth from the CALM Parenting Guide. That's CozyEarth.com slash CALM or code CALM for 20 % off. So many of our neurodivergent ADHD and PDA kids struggle with school refusal this time of year because they're emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. So I encourage you to check out IXL as a positive alternative at IXL.com slash Kirk.

2:22IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. And IXL allows our kids to learn at their own pace and be independent. For kids like ours, the best learning is fun and interactive. We know so many kids who love IXL because their video tutorials and games just help kids feel smart and successful. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk.

3:02Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. so we are getting inundated with emails with questions on instagram help us survive the summer what would you focus on over the summer and my answer would come down to two things one i want to rebuild your family life and reconnect with your kids after a stressful school year and i also want to build your child's confidence most of you with strong-willed neurodivergent kids are in school for nine months out of the year and many of your kids they just aren't great at doing school and the school system tends to expose all of your kids weaknesses all the stuff they're not good at and they don't reward the things that your kids are good at well how do you build confidence in life confidence comes from competence being good at something so i want to share six ideas with you i know you're not going to like probably three of them and those are the ones i want you to focus on more.

4:03So number one. Oh, by the way, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I didn't do my regular thing and I'm not re-recording this because I've struggled with this one and I'm practicing imperfection. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and the big summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So number one, play. Get outside. Kids learn best through play. And what I really want to try to do is reestablish play and having fun going outside, exercising as part of your family routine.

4:41And I get it, moms and dads, you are so busy and you're both working so hard and you just don't have that energy. And in a school year, there's all these appointments and extracurriculars and there's homework and everything else. And so you kind of get into this pattern but I would like you encourage you let's create some new habits this summer that can carry over into the school year I'll give you one that we used to do we used to come up with a challenge and to be honest we still do it Casey's 32 but he and I are pretty competitive and so we have goals in the summer for how many miles we're going to hike but mainly it's how much elevation we're going to hike over the summer.

5:25And so have a challenge. Maybe it's with bike riding. Just come up with something like, hey, if once we get 100 miles of riding our bikes, we will do this special night out, special treat. Make it fun. It could be one where it's 200 miles and maybe by the end of the summer you have 300 miles. Whatever it is, whatever activity it is, make it a challenge because our kids like challenges it creates a theme that you can kind of uh that galvanizes your family and you can start talking about it make the reward something that's very very cool and different something not a lot of money you don't have to spend a lot of money on these kids but something where you're very connected and it's a celebration as a family we did something really hard i would encourage you rough house with your kids not talking about being violent.

6:19I'm talking about good old roughhousing is extremely important for the development of your kids' brains. And I'll just tell you this. When Casey was about 11 or 12, which is kind of old, he would have friends come over to our house. And we'd play sometimes. We'd play some video games. They'd do that. But you know what we did most of the time? We played outside. And we played a game where I was the old guy sitting in the house on Friday night and they would come up and do like a ding dong ditch kind of thing and I had to chase them down in the neighborhood and catch them and all I can tell you is they loved this game and these were old these weren't like seven year olds these were middle school kids and they liked that intense connection with an adult and they liked it even when I kind of threw them down on the ground and caught them they were all hockey player so they were used to it but there's something to that of an adult even out there playing with kids in the neighborhood and if it's safe and it's a good thing try it sometime do some old school stuff build forts in your backyard down by a in the woods and i know some of you live in a planned developments like we did for a while and the woods are like a strand of trees good use those woods and go in them and build stuff explore in that neighborhood we had drainage ditches and i called it the sewer because kids love nasty stuff and we would go down there and explore i actually used to do a homework down there with uh kids bike hike here's another one remember some of those games from childhood that we loved they're they're not obsolete playing flashlight tag is fun.

8:03Get out there. It just requires you to get out there and do it and to put up with the complaining. Because as soon as you bring these ideas to your kids, most of them are going to be like, I don't want to do that. That's boring. It's too hot out. You have to lead, lead, lead. We did this with 1 ,500 kids in our home and I had them outside all the time and they always would complain. it's too hot I'm tired my legs are gonna fall off do not turn around and try to convince them that it's wonderful and important to be out in the fresh air and in the sunshine and you need to get extra no no convincing no none of that you just lead and they will eventually follow you just have to put up with that initial resistance to it without getting frustrated.

8:52You can get frustrated if you want, but don't turn around. You lead them. And in doing so, here are some things that are going to happen. You are going to model for them that being outside can be fun. And you're going to be modeling that we're not on screens all the time. So I do want you to play a lot. Even play too much. Stay out too late some nights past their bedtime because you're having fun. Spray down the backyard. Look, if you don't have a slip and slide, which we didn't have as kids. When my dad went on business trips, we would wet down the backyard, hose it down, and play football back there because it's fun when you're a kid and you're sliding there.

9:30And we only did it when he was awake because we weren't dumb. He was a very rough man. And so, look, I also, side note, I don't want you to feel pressure to give your kids really expensive vacations. Look, I'm not trying to be the old guy, but parents today, you're stressed working and then you spend so much money for little kids to go do things. Don't do that unless you really want to and have the money. But I don't want you to be stressed and I also don't want you to get resentful. You know, we paid all this money to bring you here and then you complain. Because strong-willed kids, that's how they express themselves and they process disappointment is they will just complain about the vacation the whole time.

10:09So you don't have to do that, but play a lot this summer. And by the way, if your kids don't go out there and say you're married, you and your spouse go out. Play and have fun and laugh and let your kids look through the windows at some place they haven't been for a while outside. And you're laughing and you're having fun. And maybe you get a pizza and you eat pizza out on the lawn doing it. Then they'll come outside. Okay, number two, quick one, because I kind of covered this. Some of you have kids who are going away to camp and they're going to struggle with anxiety. It's a new experience. So remember, try to form a positive personal connection with the camp leader.

10:51If you can arrange that sometime, email them ahead of time. Get the camp counselor or leader to give your child a specific job to do. I just did a whole podcast on overcoming anxiety. So listen to that one. Because if your child shows up at camp and has a job to do, feeling helpful and needed, oh, that'll help a lot. If you know a friend of your child's who's going to the camp ride together, that familiarity is really, really helpful. Now, you can do camp at your own home because we did this every summer for a decade with whining, complaining, strong-willed kids. And so we had themes. It may have been like certain days or certain weeks were about Italian.

11:32Okay, we're going to study Italy, so we're going to have Italian food. We're going to learn some Italian swear words. I'm kidding. We're going to do all kinds on music, construction, because our kids like to build. You know what we would do? We would ride our bikes to a local construction site every day, and the kids would watch them build. And these kids are very good observers. And we would talk, and we would have snacks, and it was really cool. Your theme could be around sports. Service projects are really, really cool because your kids have big hearts. So is there a neighbor, an older couple, or someone who just had surgery, someone who has cancer, and your project could be you go down and you do some landscaping for them or you clean out their garage?

12:15That would be an awesome thing to do with your kids. I do recommend this. I know they're not asking me to do this. They're a sponsor of the podcast, but I believe in them a lot. Kiwico, K-I-W-I-C-O.com, slash calm. You'll get a discount. But they have a summer adventure series. your kids receive in the mail really cool projects in science and engineering and very creative things that they can build and put together. That would be awesome to do together. Okay, number three. You're not going to like this, which is why I want you to do it even more. Practice boredom. I want you to purposefully have some days or hours at least to start where your kids are bored and you don't fix it for them.

13:03And I'm not trying to sound like the old guy, like, oh, when we were kids, not at all. But it is a very important thing for your kids to learn how to solve their own boredom. Because what it does is it cultivates their ingenuity, their creativity, their imagination. And so I would purposefully do this. When we had those camps, there were some days where I just said, today, it's going to be camp boredom. And the kids would be like, what are we doing? Nothing. I have nothing planned. There's a cardboard box there. It has all kinds of miscellaneous junk in it. So you have two choices. You can be bored the rest of the day and I'm okay with you whining and complaining because I'm not responsible for your happiness.

13:39You are. Or you can dig into that box because you guys are really creative and I believe you're capable of overcoming this for yourself. And I want you to do it for your children because it is a lost skill. Look, remember when we were kids, like we didn't have Google Maps and Apple Maps. And so we had to get out maps. Remember like we would go places and like if your car broke down, you didn't have a phone. You had to wait for hours or if your parents were picking you up from someplace, you had to wait. And so in the course of waiting, you had to occupy yourself. You observed things. You ended up talking to people.

14:17It is really good. It is a lost skill and art for all of us. So it's good for your children. It is good for you to reinforce that you are not responsible for your child's happiness and their success in life. You're responsible for modeling things and teaching them. And I love that phrase. I believe you're capable. This will also help later on when or if you decide you want to reduce your child's dependence on screens, getting out and playing outside, making that a tradition, practicing boredom will help immensely with that. So I want you to do that. You can start small of like, hey, we're going to do three hours or one day, or maybe you do a whole weekend of that.

15:02Just know that your kids are going to get into things. They're probably going to make a mess in the house and there's going to be like forts all over. So you need to deal with your own triggers. Sit in that. Listen to that podcast we just did in mid-May, early May, on overcoming your triggers. Okay, practice boredom. It is an awesome, awesome thing to do. So how many of you are like us and you end up not using your outdoor space because the patio or porch is an eyesore, that old grill doesn't work? We have long winters here, so we have to maximize our outdoor time in the spring and summer. So here's what we did.

15:38We went to Wayfair.com. First, we got party lights to string outside. Why? Because it makes the space festive. It invites us outdoors more. And then we found this comfy bench with storage underneath. It's kind of the perfect mix of comfort and convenience. It's one reason we love Wayfair. We can find everything for outdoors and indoors in one place. Plus, we always get fast, free, reliable shipping with Wayfair. So, how can you transform your outdoor space within your budget? Get prepared for patio season for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

16:20Wayfair. Every style, every home. Okay, here's an easy, healthy habit that will make you and your entire family feel better. I like easy stuff. For the next couple weeks, mix Cure Hydrating Electrolyte Powder to your water to start the day, and then see how you and your kids feel. I am the Cure barista in our home. Mrs. Calm loves the peach mango, but my berry pomegranate, it feels like an explosion of flavor and energy without the crash. We love Cure because it's clean, natural hydration. No artificial ingredients, no added sugars, and it's built on the same formula used in IV hydration therapy.

17:03Cure makes water actually work. If you forget to hydrate, or if you want your kids drinking something that's good for them and tastes great, then make Cure part of your mornings and afternoons like we do. Go to CureHydration.com and use promo code CALM for 20 % off your first order. That's CureHydration.com, code CALM for 20 % off your first order. We know homework time can be incredibly stressful with our kids, So consider getting a tutor, an outside voice your kids will listen to with Wyzant. Wyzant is the nation's largest network of tutors, with more than 65 ,000 expert tutors across 350 subjects.

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18:27Visit wiseant.com and give your child the tools they need to thrive.

18:35Number four, and I really like this one too. Put your kids in situations in which they have to learn how to make decisions. Look, we have this thing of like, well, I want my kids to follow directions. You don't learn from following directions. You learn from making decisions. And I have two things here. One is have them start a little business. Let's just take an idea of like a little lemonade stand. Well, you have to really think through what kind of lemonade. Am I going to have some different flavors of lemonade? What is my sign going to say? What is the pricing of that lemonade? Where are we going to locate the stand so that we can get the most traffic?

19:15You have to make decisions when you do things like starting a business. And look, I stop at every single lemonade stand I've ever seen. I stop because I like encouraging young entrepreneurs, but I also often talk to the kids and I'm like, man, you got to up your game. This lemonade is not that great. What if you added oranges to it? And make your sign better. Your sign's in all yellow. I can't read it. So we'll talk about that, but teach them because you're learning how to make decisions. Now, here's a weird one, and it's be mischievous as much as you can. Now, things like ring doorbell have ruined childhood.

19:55When we were kids, we got away with a lot of stuff. But just think, when we were kids and we were being mischievous, and we were, just think all the thinking that went into it. Okay, we have to think this through. Strategic planning. What are we going to do? We had to use some imagination and creativity. We had to think about and weigh the risk. What if we get caught? What's going to happen to us? What is the likelihood we're going to get caught? And how do we get around getting caught? My brothers and I, we grew up in very much a very boy neighborhood. We were all athletes. We used to hit cars with snowballs.

20:34I know it was wrong. But my dad would ice down the backyard. So we knew if anybody got out of their car and chased us, we knew that there was ice under the snow and we could run appropriately. And so I'm not saying that was right. I'm saying that it was fun. but that we there's a lot of thinking that goes into running a business into doing some things that are a little bit mischievous with the camp kids that we had we occasionally did that stuff we would so we made made them yeah I made them so every day if they wanted to eat I was like hey in the morning first thing we did was exercise so we would walk up to the grocery store so they would have to carry the groceries back good for sensory needs and I was like if you want to eat you got to help me buy the groceries and we would also play games of here's the budget if you come in underneath the budget for today we'll put that money in a little pile and we'll do something really fun at the end of the week but one day I said hey let's race with the shopping carts back to our house we weren't going to steal them but on the way back a police officer actually with his lights on came and pulled us over on our little side street and he's like hey Safeway's concerned about people taking their carts and I said, I'm sorry, officer.

21:43And it was awesome because these kids got to have this conversation with this police officer. And one of the kids, when he first pulled up was like, everybody run. And I was like, dude, you're an idiot. So, but it was such a good life lesson. So do some of that stuff with your kids. Number five, I encourage you this summer is a good time to reset your family relationship because you've been so stressed and give kids ownership. So this idea actually came from a mom and dad. And this is what they did last summer. It was really cool. They said, hey, consequences are not working in our home. Our strong-willed child is in trouble all the time.

22:21So they actually took our programs and they let the kids listen. And they told, because they've got two kids, and they said, look, we want you to listen to this. And then you come up with, tell us three things you want to change in the home. Now, it's always subject to the parents, right? Kids don't run the home. But it was really interesting. One of the things that they came up with, because they listened to the Discipline That Works program, and on there is an idea of having a trigger board. And they said, Mom and Dad, let's get rid of the behavior chart. You know what was really sweet? The one kid said, Max, his brother, is always in trouble.

22:55This isn't working. Really insightful. So the whole idea is we're going to replace the behavior chart, which is just measuring outward behavior, and replace and have a trigger board. What triggers everyone in this family? And they started playing a game of guess each other's triggers. And they said the amazing thing was how insightful their kids were into their triggers. They knew that like if they left their bike on the lawn, dad would be really upset because when he was a kid, if you left your bike on the lawn, you lost it. Dishes in the sink, all those things. But you know what else they noticed?

23:31they noticed how they as a married couple triggered each other these are really observe observing kids but here's what this family did they normalized it hey everybody mom dad each of the two kids we all have our triggers and what that helped with is the strong-willed child didn't feel like the only one who's emotional and reactive right because we all do that and they said it changed our family and we came together closer because we were learning about each other and about ourselves and our kids now know what their triggers are and we problem solve with them different ways to handle it i love that idea so if you have our programs let your kids listen we do have one of the programs you get is casey's called straight talk for kids he teaches them how to control their impulses and emotions.

24:23And the ADHD University one would be fantastic to listen to before you go back to school. So number six, build your child's confidence. We talked about competence, being good at something. You don't get confident because everybody's like, oh, you're so good at things. It's because you do something, you know, inherently I did that well. And schools don't always reinforce that for our kids. So one of the things you'll hear in the programs is something called mission and mentor. I like kids getting them to do a mission with a mentor of some kind, another adult, because your kids listen to other adults better.

24:59So the process is I want to identify your kids' gifts, talents, and passions. What are they good at doing? Who do they connect well with? What do they love doing? And I'm not talking about playing video games all day. And then two, give them an opportunity. Use their gifts, talents, and passions outside the home and if you can, accountable to another adult because other adults can speak into your child's life and they can say, man, you're really good at that. And they can also say, hey, you need to step up and do that better and your kids will listen. So I'm just gonna run through some ideas. Look, your kids like adult jobs, get them doing the oil change, doing some landscaping at your house and maybe in the neighborhood.

25:34That's a great job. You know I love enlisting the help of neighbors, especially an older couple in your neighborhood who can say, hey, Jeremy, Sarah, I could really use your help. Could you come down to my house? Could you help me with some yard work? Could you help me change the light bulbs, the smoke alarms in the house, whatever it is? Older people are fantastic with our kids. Here's a really cool one. A mom just emailed and said there was someone in their neighborhood who needs cats to be a cat sitter, someone to cat sit while they're away. And they had advertised$125 for the week. Well, this mom's son said, Mom, let her know.

26:13I'll do it for$100. Really smart negotiating. He does it. And guess what? The mother, the other person who hired him tells his mother he is the most responsible young man. And the mom in Saad is like, wait, he won't do anything around the house and barely does schoolwork. But for other people and something they care about, and the other person who hired him said, he actually came up with an idea where I don't have to use as much cat litter and it will save me money. That is exactly what our kids do. It is awesome. Get them working with or spending time with an aunt or an uncle or grandparents.

26:51Some of your kids are really good with younger kids. So have them volunteer, get a little job at a local like VBS, Vacation Bible School thing going on. I love your kids starting the business, the lemonade, pet sitting, whatever it is, service projects. I think I mentioned that before. Your kids have big hearts. Get them feeding the homeless, volunteering at an animal shelter. It gets them outside of the house. It gets them doing something constructive. And for teens and tweens who have kind of shut down, I just want them doing one positive, constructive activity connected to another adult that is very motivating.

27:28It will get them out and off of those screens doing that. Let me share a couple quick ones, and then I've got to close up. But take them down to a vet's office to say, hey, my daughter loves animals. Can you give her a little internship? You don't have to pay her. Can she just help out around there? And you know what happens oftentimes? that veterinarian says, man, Sarah, you are amazing with animals. I think you could be a veterinarian one day. And this is a girl who doesn't really care about school. But now she starts to get a vision of like, yeah, I want to be a veterinarian. So now she has a reason to do school.

28:01My favorite story is a girl named Rebecca, who is really good with soccer and little kids. And so mom took her. I was like, take her in the neighborhood, find a coach who coaches little kids in soccer guess what happens she goes and volunteers and helps that coach and she ends up connecting with all these kids and she knows she's good at it and all the parents are like you're such a good helper and they hire her to tutor their kids even though she didn't really like doing schoolwork it's cool when you do this so get out play outside have camp at home if you want practice boredom really do that teach your kids to make decisions start that little business be mischievous reset your family work on what really matters get that connection back do like this family did let your kids listen to the programs and say hey you pick out two or three things you want mom and dad to change oh we'll work work on that and then you're leading and then you can give them things to work on and build their confidence gifts talents and passions that's what I want over the summer if we can help you in any way let us know enjoy your summer of partial boredom and playing and playing ding dong ditch or whatever you can you know what I was thinking if you play ding dong ditch your kids are going to have to figure out some way to disable the neighbor's ring doorbell and many of your kids will probably be able to do that okay I'm not recommending that but it's fun all right love you all bye 102 miles ago, the oil light came on.